Married Life And Raising Children | 2.Understanding Your Partner - Zac Poonen

we continue considering how God wants to build our marriages in everything in the Christian life you know in the New Testament we see the emphasis on the importance of faith and you have heard me use this definition of faith that God it is believing that God is more interested than we are in giving us that thing that is faith if you believe now I'm not talking about things which God is not promised a lot of people this is how it is in the health 12 gospel the false gospel they are trying to believe God for things God has never promised God is promised to meet our material necessities he's not promised to give us abundance Jesus did not teach us to pray give us this day our daily ice-cream but give us this odd day our daily bread it's a very simple thing so I'm not talking about that type of foolish prayer for earthly things but things that are clearly promised in the world those things we can have faith for and faith is to believe that God is more interested in giving those things to us then we are interested in asking for them and receiving them I know this is my problem for a long time myself because nobody gave me that definition of faith I thought I was very eager to get things from God and it seemed to be solved as if God was so reluctant to give something to me and that I had to pray and past and do all types of things that never got me anywhere there are people who say you got to fast more and somehow convince God because he's a very reluctant God is something like getting something from a politician what a wrong concept of God the devil has portrayed before most believers that even the things he has promised in Scripture we get the idea that we are more eager to get it than God is and that is an insult because then you're thinking that you're more spiritual than God and so the question is this does God want you to have a really happy marriage what is faith mean faith means to believe that God is more interested in it than you are even if you are not interested in it God is and he's God interested in building fellowship between you and your wife more interested than you are is God aware of the little little things that can cause problems in that relationship in fellowship he is more aware than you are so once you have get a proper concept about God that is a foundation for a good married life because that also you can see in Genesis chapter 3 that what the devil was trying to put into Eve's mind is here is something good this tree of knowledge look how beautiful it is how attractive it is makes your mouth water but God doesn't want you to have it so what is the implication something that's really good for you which you want God doesn't want you to have God's not a good God and once that got into her mind she lost faith on she loses faith then you disobey God that is if you understand that thing that the devil's aim is to get you to think God is not interested in your life God's not interested in your marriage if you really pray and cry out to him and past and do so many things he may give you a few drops of his blessing that is the idea that I had foolishly and my life was miserable those days as a believer and I think that is the idea a lot of you have that's why your life and your married life can be pretty miserable so one of the very important things that both of you as husband and wife need to know is to have a right concept about God if Adam and Eve have believed that God is perfect love that he loves more than we can think and he if he did if he tells us not to do something it's because it's bad for us and if he tells us to do something it is good for us that is to believe that God is a good God you know many problems are solved if he tells you to forgive immediately that is the best thing for us do you believe it do you forgive immediately the wrong that your partner has done or what you imagine that your partner has done God wants you to do it immediately because it's good for you well the devil says no you teach your partner a lesson by not forgiving immediately it's the devil's tactic and some married couples do that even when one partner says I'm sorry the other partner will be cool and not even talk if you want to destroy your marriage go that way and you want to destroy your children as well you go that way but if you're serious about building a good home remember whatever God says for you is for your good do it immediately see there are so many things you know marriage that can bring unrest in a home that we need to recognize that husband and wife are different in the way they look at things you see when you are single most of your you probably did not have much contact with men as a woman and as a man you didn't have much contact with women so men mostly fellowship with men and women mostly fellowship with women in our country and so our mindset is according to our sex and then we get married and we discover for example a man discovers that so many little little things in the house the wife has bothered about which don't even bother you and this can cause tensions and you wonder why is my wife bothered about these silly little things which don't bother me one bit once she bothered about that I lost 50 paisa in buying some vegetables or something it doesn't bother me one bit but she bothered about it I'll tell you why now you listen to the answer because she's a woman got it that's all why are you not bothered about it not because you're spiritual you think it is because you're spiritual it's not at all because you're spiritual is because you're a man it's true of every non-christian atheist husband and wife also same thing God God has made woman different from man and a woman is worried about small small things in the house and small small expenditures which man's not much bothered about because a woman is wired to be a mother and needs that sensitive nature to be able to look after babies and that's why when a baby cries the father is absolutely clueless as to what is the reason and the mother knows almost immediately how is that is it because she's more intelligent no it's because she's got an inner sense which comes in the same package as being worried about little things in the house so if your wife was like you she'll be a useless mother so that's why you must remember that your wife is a woman and the same way a wife can have so many wrong ideas about a man why is he so crazy after sex he's because I'm spiritual not at all on spiritual you say why I'm not so crazy why is he so crazy after and I'll tell you why because you're a woman and she's a man has got nothing to do with spirituality if you don't understand that you will ruin your physical relationship in marriage this is the fundamental problem I have discovered with so many married couples the woman expects the man to be like a woman and the man expects the woman to be like a man you have endless problems if you have that type of approach if you can just humble yourself and say in some pew in the future anyway some of those things that you can't figure out in your husband or your wife just say that must be because he's not a woman oh that's must be because she's not a man that's why she can't think about those things that's why he can't think about those things so if you understand that and make allowance for it you can solve many problems in your life do not think that you are both the same not only physically different emotionally and so many other ways completely different and if you just make an allowance for that in your life you know it's just like supposing you were a PhD and you marry a uneducated woman now a lot of things mature your way of thinking is going to be very different from hers that you can understand but it's exactly the same between man and woman a woman may be highly educated but she's a woman and a man's a man whether he's educated or not so this simple principle and if you understand that it can save a lot of problems in your life you know because when we say I want to love my husband I want to love my wife but I really believe you're sincere but we need to have a little understanding about the differences within man and woman that's why the Peter says let the husband live in an understanding way with his wife knowing that she's a weaker vessel and give her honor and why is it that some wives want to be the boss in the house and to control their husbands it is because they are the biggest idiots in the world they don't understand that God has not created them for leadership any woman who tries to boss her husband I would openly say as an idiot because God has not made her it is like a man who deciding I am going to bear children in my stomach what do you think such a man is an idiot God is not made man to be able to produce children in our store in his stomach it's exactly the same just like only a woman can bear children only a man can be the leader in the house plane is like a beam Sein one two three do you understand that and you try to violate that you're causing problems he doesn't work and that is why the Bible says let a woman be submissive to her husband he may be less educated than you are but he's a man and God has given him the ability to be the leader so if we recognize these differences I believe many a problem is solved in this matter otherwise we can without recognize these difference we can try to love and try to be patient and we get worked up and sometime after some time our patience ends and we explode I'm trying to answer some of these questions here which have come okay and that's how we grow in being considerate how can I have a gentle and quiet spirit well I'll tell you the best way to transform our inner being is by looking at Jesus jesus said learn from me for I am gentle and humble and I feel even in CFC many of our brothers and sisters do not spend time reading the Gospels to see how Jesus conducted himself I'll tell you this my dear brothers and sisters much more important then your understanding all the complicated doctrines in Scripture even if you don't know whether Christ is going to come before the tribulation or after the tribulation if you don't know all the complicated things about church doctrine and all that learn one thing see that God has given you the scriptures to show you Jesus what Jesus is like for example that Jesus is not a legalist so many husbands and wives can be very legalistic towards each other some small little thing that's not the way it should be done and there's a conflict because the husband or wife have got a legalistic mindset they say scripture it says this don't try in quote verses to your husband or wife that's the way to destroy a marriage Jesus did not go around quoting verses to condemn people you know I've spoken a message once on legalism is worse than adultery I don't think many people believe that I say some strong statements sometimes like that to wake people up if you are a legalist it is worse than committing adultery and I'll prove it to you there was a time when Jesus was standing here the Pharisees were here and a woman caught in adultery was on the other side and here she was they were criticizing us wanting to stone her to death and Jesus said whoever was without sin cast the first stone and they all went away condemned Jesus said to this woman I do not condemn you the legalists were condemned the adulteress was not condemned legalism is worse than adultery if you understand that you will hate legalism more than you hate adultery I once said in CFC I would rather have all four of my sons become drug addicts rather than Pharisees any day because there's no hope for a Pharisee there is hope for drug addicts they may one day get converted I'm not saying this should be but if you give me a choice all right supposing your children are not godly but there's a possibility they may come drug addicts or Pharisees I choose drug addicts any day Pharisees will go to hell they will never escape drug addicts can get saved one so beware of legalism in your marriage being finicky about small small rules that you caught from Scripture to each other love one another and bare with one another the whorehouse is not to be a place where we judge each other by rules for example we preach in the church that we should not gossip and what if your wife one day begins to gossip to you is a husband you can quote a verse to her and say thou shall not gossip or something like that nor I don't want to listen to you go somewhere else don't talk to me or walk up walk away from there and you may think you're very spiritual in doing that because you're obeying what is taught in the church they are not you're being foolish I'll tell you what to do think of your wife gossiping like her vomiting okay she ate something which didn't suit her and she's vomiting if she does not vomit on your lap she'll go to some other sister's house and vomit on her lap tell me which is better it's far better she vomits on your lap and after she's finished you go to the bathroom and wash it away what are you lose by that that is the wise way to handle a partner who has not overcoming overcome gossiping instead of being like Jo you know what joke told his wife don't speak like a foolish woman please don't go to the Old Covenant for your examples to be radical in the New Testament he's not to speak like that be wise supposing she wants to get something off her chest or maybe the other way maybe you're the spiritual person the wife in the home and your husband is a gossip he wants to get something off his chest let him warm it onto your lap go and wash it out don't you don't participate in it you don't sin this is wisdom these and that's what I mean by don't be a legalist in the home but little little things and you can have a good relationship we know that merely saying sorry does not sometimes restore a relationship that's right so that also you can follow as a rule rule number something which says you must say you're sorry I think it's more like an attitude see sometimes the best thing to do is to keep quiet when wasn't one of the partners is angry upset don't judge him or her maybe they had a bad day with the children became too much for her or maybe he had a bad day at work got yelled at by everybody at work him when he came home he got yelled at by his wife and there's too much for him to take you know there are different things we must make allowance for it sometimes the best thing to do is to ignore it and not get upset and make an allowance they must be maybe she he or she had a bad day and I want to bear with it and I believe when it says the wife is the weaker vessel the husband must be the one who's strong enough if you want to be a leader in your home all husbands say I'm delighted when I hear that the wife must submit to her husband that's right but what does it mean for a husband to be a leader let me speak of it from the other side a leader like Jesus Christ means a leader like a shepherd who goes in front of his sheep you have seen in the roads of Bangalore the hireling who takes a whip and chases the sheep from the back don't be like that that's a hireling and many husbands I notice are hirelings they're not shepherds they are not leading from the front from the back they push their wife and say come on do this do that don't be like this don't like don't lose your temper don't get upset this is all the hireling whipping from the back and I think many husbands are hirelings even though they think they are very spiritual a shepherd is one who leads from the front he can say follow me he goes in front and shows by his example how he does not lose his temper or get upset or speak rude words or criticize or even under pressure he will not speak unkind words think of the unkind words even so many husbands and wives who think they are very spiritual speak to each other it's not when you're guarded in your guarded moments that you discover whether your spiritual or not you discover whether your spiritual or not in your unguarded moments you know it's like when Jesus said don't be a hypocrite he was saying don't be an actor an actor when he's on stage he's very guarded I mean he may be a drunkard and a divorced person but he's acting like John the Baptist in this movie so he has to act holy but then when he's off his god he's back to his drinking and womanizing etc so it's in our unguarded moments that we discover whether we are really spiritual it is when we are under pressure that we discover whether we are spiritual or not not on Sunday mornings in the church that is the last place to assess our spirituality in our unguarded moments but we are under pressure there we discover whether it be a spiritual or not and the only way is to look at Jesus and say law and to meditate not at that moment but before that moment comes it's an old story that in 1962 when the Chinese came into northeast India and captured huge segments segments of our country and we haven't got it back and we'll never get it back the Indian Army suddenly began to look for warm clothing and weapons and all that they were not prepared to fight the enemy and that's why we lost so much territory which we'll never get back from that we learn a lesson that the time to get ready for battle is before the battle there's a saying we were taught in the military the more you sweat in peace the less you will bleed in war the more you sweat in peace the less you bleed in war so when things are peaceful that's the time to meditate on Jesus and see how he was and then you're equipped when the battle rages in the home you can be an overcomer and you can be an example you can be a shepherd so never stop meditating on Jesus he says learn from me I'm gentle I'm humble how did I react in provocation and the more you meditate on Jesus himself make that your life's pursuit and if some of you have a problem with that I would recommend that you spend six months reading nothing but the Gospels or a whole year meditating only on the Gospels and saying Lord show me how you lived on this earth I want to be like you it from my earliest Christian life that has been the thing which has really challenged me to the way Jesus lived on earth and that is why I got frustrated with what I heard from most of Christendom and because I did not hear people who would guide me along that way I got discouraged and back slid for a long time till God met with me and restored me and filled me with his spirit so I want to encourage you because that is the whole secret of the Christian life and I'll tell you another added advantage that comes from that and that is the more you see what Jesus was like the more you'll be gripped with the things that are wrong in your life and not in your partners see a lot of our problem in married life is we see so many faults in our marriage partner like I've often said to people keep both eyes wide open before you get married and one eye shut thereafter that means don't see those weaknesses so much now I'll give you an example from the Old Testament in Isaiah chapter 5 I've quoted this before but think of this in a husband-wife relationship think of Isaiah like one partner husband or wife whichever you are and the nation of Israel like the other partner sometimes the prophet and the nation were like that and here was the profit looking at the nation of Israel and saying in Isaiah chapter 5 and what he was saying was absolutely correct it's like a partner one person looking at his wife or a husband and seeing things that are wrong not imagining but really seeing things wrong in your partner so Isaiah sees things wrong in Israel and says in Isaiah 5 and verse 8 woe unto those who add house to house and joint appeal to appeal people who buy up all the property and make the poor people suffer and woe unto those verse 11 who rise early in the morning to pursue up a strong drink now these are not the faults in your partner I'm just saying that his attitude of finding genuine faults in Israel he was right and woe unto those who royal rise early in the morning verse 11 and further down verse 18 woe unto those who drag iniquity with telling lies verse third 20 those who call warrant those who call evil good good evil 21 woe unto those who are wise in their own eyes clever in their sight 20 to warn to those who are heroes and drinking you see there it was a number of faults he was finding in Israel and was all correct think of that as you looking at your partner and finding one two three these are all the faults in I in my partner and I find that they're all correct you know if I were to ask you any of all of you can you quickly write down three wrong things that you see in your partner I think you could write it down immediately all right now I tell you can you tell me three good things you see in your partner you may take a little more time to write that that is our mindset because we are so concentrating on the wrong things that it's immediately we can write ah I'll tell you immediately where I want my wife to change or my husband to change can you tell me three good things that he does for you or she does for you you will say it but it'll take a little more effort because that is not uppermost in our mind that's what I'm trying to show you and by the smile on your faces I know I'm hitting home okay so I saw I was like that this this this this and then one day Isaiah chapter six he says I saw the Lord verse one and then I saw his standard and the angels worshiping him then he said in verse 5 woe is me see something changed the one who is saying woe is this world this world is with his all correct suddenly he saw himself that is the other advantage of meditating on the life of Jesus you begin to see yourself Isaiah could see the glory of the Lord only once I praise the Lord I can see the glory of Lord every day I can see his glory and I as I see it imagine every day seeing the glory of Jesus in the scriptures that's why I said study the Gospels and seeing their something in your life which is unlike the atmosphere of heaven there you need to change then the Lord said now verse 8 as i68 now you can go as my representative and now you can go and speak to my people go and tell these people verse 9 then you are ready to go and speak to your partner to your husband or your wife because you've got the right attitude because you've seen the glory of Jesus and seen your own need and then you speak whereas formerly what you said was right but you hadn't seen the glory of the Lord and seen your own need yourself so that's just an example and I believe that that is something we must bear in mind and also as I said one of you one of you is particularly upset and lost that temper or something like that it's important that at least the other person remains cool and sometimes I want to tell you you need wisdom here as I said I'm not making laws we are to be led by the Holy Spirit in the New Testament and not by some rule you hear here but there is a verse in Proverbs which says proverbs 15 verse 1 a gentle answer can turn away anger but a harsh word can stir up anger just remember that verse all your life a gentle answer can turn away anger so we may have thought that when your partner is angry the best thing to do is to keep quiet I'll tell you it is easy to keep quiet it is difficult to give a gentle answer and a gentle answer is better than keeping quiet because keeping quiet can probably mean that you're suppressing your anger or you don't care for what the other person is saying but a gentle answer means you're listening to what you're angry partner is saying silence may mean I couldn't care less what you're saying a gentle answer means honey I listen to you I'm sorry I want to learn something there let me try and do it better a gentle answer remember also dear brothers and sisters that none of us are perfect none of us are perfect so there may be some truth in what your partner tells you about yourself and if you listen to it you'll be a better person but if you're the type of person husband or wife who was so frightened your partner that he or she never corrects you why he or she never corrects you because from past experience your partner is discovered it always leads to an explosion so he says it's no use correcting because it'll be another explosion let me avoid it you're really a very blessed person if you have given a correct he given an impression to your partner that I'm not offended when I'm corrected but please don't correct me when I'm angry and please don't correct me when I'm tired that's not the best time we don't sow seeds a farmer does not Co seeds when there's a storm because the storm will blow away this easier wait till the climate is Pleasant there's a thing called sowing time seed sowing time every farmer knows that and every husband and wife must know when is a good time to share something that'll be of a corrective nature and always ask yourself do you think your partner is ready to accept it maybe they're not then just keep quiet let them discover it themselves but I would say the best husband and wife are those who are both equally open to receive correction there was a question here saying can a wife give suggestions to her husband of course not only suggestions but correction if there is a black mark on your husband's face when he's going to work will you tell him I hope you will what if there's a black mark on his soul which is worse than on his face maybe you don't tell him because he may get offended then of course he's better to keep quiet each person must decide for him so we can't make a standard rule because each husband and wife are different but I believe that God appointed a woman to be a helper to her husband let he made Eve to be a helper a helper is one who helps with making her husband a better man and in the same way as I said the husband must be the shepherd going ahead and showing by example how he can lead so those are some little bits of advice on [Music] relationships in another question is about improving communication here again like I said there's a difference between husband and wife one is a man one is a woman we must also recognize that among human beings there are different temperaments and that doesn't depend on whether you're a man or a woman basically to summarize it there's the outgoing temperament and the inward-looking temperament I mean there are more subdivisions on that but I'll just leave it at these two for the time being there are some people who are very outgoing they are the type of people whom the Lord calls to be evangelists because they can easily make friends they easily go up and talk to strangers and they don't find any difficulty and then there are others who are more inward looking and that's not a defect it is just another temperament those are the ones whom God calls maybe to be teachers or who are called to that type of ministry but one is not better than the other I used to think you know when I grew up I was basically an inward-looking person and I used to envy the outgoing type of chap would go and slap a fellow on the back and say hi man good to see you or go and talk to a total stranger I just wasn't that type and I thought boy I wish I were like that I could be a better Christian that way but I read a little book which really helped me those days it is called spirit controlled temperament by Tim LaHaye and the original version of that book was very good later on you know they expand it and I don't know how it is today but what I learned from that book was one important lesson that every temperament comes with good points and bad points that's what helped me I thought the inward looking person was full of bad points and the outgoing person is full of good points and I think a lot of people you think like that oh I'm so reserved and quiet and I can't get up and speak in the church that's all bad point look at this other person so outgoing an extrovert make friends easily I wish I were like that then I diss what I discovered there was that an outgoing type of person may have disability to reach out and do so many things like that reaching out to people making friends but if you give him a job to do he may not do it properly or he may dilly-dally on it for a long long time is not meticulous and faithful about doing a particular job you give him he may completely ignore it or forget about it but it's the inward-looking person he may not make friends easily but he give him a job he'll do it meticulously and give it back to you on time so which is better that is also a Christian virtue that if somebody gives you a job to do you do it meticulously care of it carefully and give it back on time so you see both temperaments have got good points and weak points so has husband and wife you may find that your wife is of a different temperament maybe she's an outgoing person and you're an inward-looking person or the other way around maybe your husband is an outgoing person inward-looking person no an outgoing person and I'll tell you how this relates to marriage the outgoing type of person is very communicative they can speak a lot they can sit and talk and talk and talk and talk they're like that and the inward type of person may not be unspiritual but doesn't talk so much like I gave you an example of a very godly home I visited once I mentioned this many times where I visited it for one hour the wife spoke for 54 minutes I spoke for four minutes and the husband spoke for two minutes this is absolute truth and she did not gossip he did not speak anything evil only speaking scripture but she was talking and talking and talking and talking I call that verbal diarrhea it's not a good thing you got to be cured of it but that is how outgoing people are and so you may find that you don't speak so much and your partner's speak so much and you say and your or the other way around you speak you like to speak and speak in your husband now your partner is so quiet music hey come on say something man are you going to change the temperament you can do it and don't think your simplement is so spiritual also because you can be pretty slipshod in your ways even though you're so outgoing and communicated whereas your partner is so meticulous and careful that is the difference so what I'm trying to say is don't try to change your partner to be like yourself that's what I'm coming to because you know when people are getting engaged to be married come to me I've said this before also I draw a picture of an eggshell so on a paper I draw an egg I say now I'm gonna break this egg crack it with my hands not neatly cut it with a knife but bang it on a table and break it and when you break it like that it doesn't come meat halves it comes with jagged edges this set is full of jagged edges and this set is full of jagged edges and I draw that at the bottom of that paper and I say this is how both of you are both of you have got a lot of jagged edges not one person the other person you see the other person's jagged edges but you don't see your own but you have them too and the interesting thing is that wherever this half of the egg has got a jagged edge this half has got a depression because it broke out from there right and wherever that half of the egg is got a jagged edge this half has got a depression what do we learn from that that you must leave your husband strong points and weak points as they are because you complement them complement that means you got the reverse of them and if you work together you know I take both these two halves and put them together there's no gap none at all it fits in perfectly that's a little illustration no illustration is perfect but that's a little illustration to help us to understand and to accept a partner who is fundamentally different from you not unspiritual but different in temperament and communicating ability or being outgoing or inward-looking there is no advantage in either you know there are many things we were born with don't try and change that for example we were born with the color of our skin do any of you try to change the color of your partner's skin now I mean you can put powder and odd and all that type of stuff and what's the other yellow stuff some people put anyway but you can't really change the color of the skin you cannot change a person's intelligence too much you can make them study hard but there's basic intelligence we are born with color of skin we are born with and I also want to say temperament you are born with we never try to change the color of skin why do you try to change that person's temperament we need to help one another overcome the weak points of that temperament that I agree and that's the thing that I got helped in that book that when you are filled with the holy spirit the holy spirit knows what are the weak points in your temperament maybe the Holy Spirit sees that you're a very outgoing talkative type of person which is very good to be an evangelist but the Holy Spirit shows you that I have to control your talkativeness a little bit and I have to control your slipshod ways carelessness a little bit I want to teach you to be more careful in when a job is committed to you to it or tell the other person I can't do it but don't leave the other person in suspense that after three weeks he said have you done it you say I haven't even started on it when do you tell him at the beginning can't do it that's okay we can't do everything in the world the Holy Spirit says I'll change your slipshod ways and I'll change your pocket eveness then what happens this outgoing person who's very talkative becomes a little more subdued a little more christ-like and he becomes more meticulous the Holy Spirit's helped him to overcome the weaknesses of his temperament now you take the other persons whose temperament is inward looking and very meticulous about little things but can't make friends and doesn't not outgoing and sits at home always as if a funeral is going on and the Holy Spirit says I'll change you I'll make you a little more cheerful I'll make you a little more outgoing not looking inward all the time I'm getting depressed and the Holy Spirit helps you to change your temperament and I can certainly say the Holy Spirit's helped me in that I can see that that I am not the same person I was I was 30 years and 40 years ago I mean I'm not come to where I should be but I see so many things the Holy Spirit changed in me you know little things when I passed the keys to my wife I throw a catch because that's the way we did it in the military and he's not very good at catching sometimes but she realizes my husband as a military man had to take a little time for him to get over that I'm saying little things like this sometimes we have to allow for the fact that some people take a long time to change we must be patient for example when I the old days when I used to drive a car those who were here those days knows how I used to drive well I learned to drive in the military I was driving military jeeps and things like that and then all of a sudden I became a civilian and I used to drive my car like I drove a military Jeep and but amazingly God I never had an accident in 46 years so God took care of that but the point is that so many people would tell me resdac you've got to be careful this is not the show love run racetrack we've got to be careful when you drive and I would say yes I'm gonna drive slowly but it wouldn't last long if I saw a little gap between two cars I would just go ahead of there just a but I found that I had to work on it and I suppose people who looked at me would have probably said this chap doesn't even listen to us I did listen and I was trying to change but it wasn't easy so I learned something from that in my own experience that there's certain things it takes a long while to change if you have gone along that way for many years if you've gone along a certain way for many years it takes time to change make that allowance in your partner don't say well I told you yesterday to change and you still haven't changed or I've been telling you the whole of last week to change and you still haven't changed I'm not saying that is an excuse for not changing all I'm saying is remember it takes time and those of you who are trying to change and not change yet don't get discouraged and give up work at it work at it and it'll come slowly but it will come work at your relationship so these are some principles that we need to bear in mind and if we can I want to say one more thing and that is a very important thing also from Genesis which is very important in our Indian context you know after Adam and Eve were married God gave a law for married life that did not apply to Adam and Eve but applied to all future generations in Genesis 2 as soon as he brought Eve to the man there's something here it says the man God made a woman from the rib verse 22 brought him to the man and the man said this is now I like the Living Bible paraphrase of it you know Adam it says looked at all the animals in verse 19 and all the animals were brought to Adam verse 20 and he gave names just as Genesis 2 20 t Cave names to all the cattle Birds sky but but what but none of them was suited to be a wife for Adam have you thought of that verse not the lioness and not the female elephant and not the female dog Adam looked at all these partners going one by ye the dog with a female dog and the elephant with the female elephant and the lion and the lioness the tiger and the tigress and all going together none of the but Adam was the only one left out he said hey I'm the only one without a partner and then God brought a woman to man and the Living Bible says in verse 23 when Adam saw Evie said ah this is it and I've often said that's what we should say about the person we marry this is it this is the person God's chosen for me and if you keep that attitude you'll never go to internet pornography if you have that attitude this is it and you'll never lose the wonder of the fact that out of all the world your partner chose you when he or she could have chosen somebody else this is it at last this is it that's the first thing I want you to see and then he said this is now bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh that me this is a part of me it's not a separate person this is a part of me always remember that your partner once you're married he's a part of you as much as my leg is a part of me my hand is a part of me my wife is a part of me it's not something you can afford too many people think of divorce I said you ever think of cutting off your arm I mean does the thought even occur to your mind never even if there's infection you don't say it's infected let me cut it off no you put medicine and cure it how many of you got an injury in your arm and thought of cutting off your arm not even once but so many husbands get so upset when they have a little fine a little defect in their wife or vice versa my wife in the husband and say well I wonder why I married this person so this is bone of my bone flesh of my flesh always think of your husband or wife like that we are one from now till Jesus comes till we die one of us dies we are one and whatever injury there is in my partner or weakness supposing if you're one left arm say is a little weak what do you do you don't say this is weak let's cut it off no it's weak okay you do some exercise and make it a little stronger what do you what do people do when they get a stroke no doctor says ok this part is all paralyzed now cut it off no we'll do some physiotherapy and get it working again so think of your wife like that when you see certain defects and weaknesses and some things in you you think she's not so spiritual as you are or your husband is not as spiritual as you wanted to be okay but it's still bone of your bone and flesh of your flesh think of it as a paralyzed part of your body something that's got to be worked and improved to become better and healthy and then the other thing I want to say is the next sentence therefore because this is now we are one all others must not come between us particularly father and mother very important the most disobeyed command in Christian marriages in India is hear a man leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife and that equally applies to the wife because she has become bone a bone and flesh of flesh with her husband she must leave her father and mother and cleave to her husband that means not that you neglect your father and mother but you don't let them run your life when you take a decision its husband and wife who take that decision you know when we got married my wife and I got married our situation was not ideal we were so poor that I could not afford house rent what do you do then we couldn't sleep on the streets so my dad allowed us to have one room in his house it's not ideal I would not recommend it to anybody but what do you do when you are serving the Lord and you don't have money so my wife endured much more than I did those first couple of years and we lived in that small room but I had left my father and mother and I was more obedient to this verse living in my father's house than many other married people who are living separately but who are still listening to their parents so this is not a physical separation I learned that from my own experience and I believe the Lord took us through that time because I did not know it then it was to train me because God was leading me to work in the villages the poor villages of India where we planted our churches where many people through poverty have to live with their parents and if I had not gone through that experience I could not be a forerunner for them now you may not be called to that ministry maybe you're called to work in the cities god bless you then you probably don't have to do that but I was called to work in the villages so God trained me for that by putting me three years with my parents but I learned something from that that you can live with your parents and still be inwardly run your own life as husband and wife so that is the advice I can give even to poor couples in the villages in South India but you can be still away that verse even if you are not you can't afford to live separately so this is an emotional detachment don't think that because you're living in a separate house you have obeyed this command I've seen so many husbands and wives when they take a decision it's all right to consult any Tom Dick or Harry in the world but when you take a decision it must be between husband and wife that's the way you build a relationship you decide where you're going to live you decide what you're going to go ahead it doesn't mean you shouldn't care for your parents Jesus cared for his mother even Annie was hanging on the cross even if you're hanging on a cross you must care for your mother and your father both husband and wife that is to follow Jesus what an example that he forgot all about his suffering and thought about my mother needs a home somebody must take care of her even though he had four younger brothers and two sisters who were born to Mary why did he do it he said I am the eldest son and the eldest son has got a responsibility to take care of my mother so I'll make some provision for her she's a believer my brothers and sisters are not believers so I think that she will feel more comfortable with John so John was his cousin mother's sister's son so he told John please look after my mother she's your mother from today I see that concern but yet in the marriage of Cana he told his mother woman what do I got to do with you I'm not gonna listen to you that is the balance to say woman what have I got to do with you and to say mother this is your son behold your son so if you can find that balance you're a true Christian and may God help us to build such homes that we glorify God which are based on Scripture let us pray Heavenly Father as we bow before you we pray that you'll help us to build godly homes in our land and in Banglore and in our church that we can glorify you you pray in Jesus name

Channel: CFC India

Views: 73,397

Rating: 4.8333335 out of 5

Keywords: zac poonen, cfc

Id: 1S1ic80a7Ic

Length: 57min 45sec (3465 seconds)

Published: Thu Jun 13 2013