Married But In Love With Someone Else - Pt. 2

a few weeks ago I did a video called married but in love with someone else it's gotten a bit of attention including some specific questions that I need to answer and we'll do my best to answer right now by the way if you haven't seen that video the way you can see it is to look at the link just below and it'll tell you how to find part one and you may really want to listen to part one before you listen to this part two quick summary is in part one I talked about four potential paths that you'll pursue if you are married but in love with someone else other than the one that you're married to and then two likely results that will come based on which of those paths that you choose I talked about a thing called 10 10 10 which means don't just think about how much it's going to affect you in 10 days if you make a decision either to stay in your marriage or to go with your lover but how is it going to affect you and others in 10 months and even in 10 years and I talked about that in terms of you I talked about it in terms of your lover in terms of your spouse your kids and many other things so if you get a chance go watch that video before you listen to this one but then comes the objection you see in that particular video I mentioned that I had been in a passionate deeply quote madly in love in quote relationship with another woman when I was married as a matter of fact I went so far as to divorce my life to be with the other woman I did not come back and ask my wife to take me back until three years later which there's another story for another time and we've been remarried now for quite a number of years but when I mentioned the fact that the lover my lover back in those days had left me then some people below the last video made comments ah the reason you think the way you do is because she left you if she had stayed with you and you guys had gotten married to each other and we're happy to this day you'd have a totally different view of this and you know what I think it's a reasonable question a reasonable objection to think about because you see back in those days when I was again quote madly in love in quote with the other woman and I never say her name because I don't want to bring any pain to her life now so I just call her Sally Sue's and so I've never met her Sally so if I were involved with Sally sue and remembering how in that emotion was like nobody had ever understood me like she did I had never had the degree of passion toward another person that I had toward her and it was reciprocal she felt the same way toward me the phrase I think people use now as mmm soulmate well we could discuss what a soulmate is but whatever that is that's what I thought I had and what she thought she had and people said see you left your wife for the person that you truly were in love with therefore unless she had left you you would still be with her to this day and be happy and I'm assuming and yes I understand that when you make an assumption you could be very wrong but I'm assuming that the people that were making that objection and or asking those kinds of questions are people who really are feeling that right now in other words I am Mary but I am madly in love with another person or maybe even the person who is the one madly in love with the married person saying no no no I understood what you talked about but you got it all wrong because it didn't work out for you and it will work out for us well what I didn't say in that video because I didn't have time and well I have to say very quickly here is this I didn't go back to my spouse when my lover left me she didn't leave immediately took a while to do so and then I was divorced for some period of time after that and eventually had a relationship with another woman and we had a very deep emotional connection it was actually my decision to leave that woman and then to ask my former wife if she would consider the possibility of taking me back so it wasn't like I was rebounding like wow I don't have any other options therefore I better go back to what I have it goes I don't have anything else that wasn't it at all and so you say well why why then do you think that in most cases leaving your spouse for the person that you're madly in love with is going to work out to be a bad situation well first of all we have been working with marriages since 1994 it's a pretty long period of time which means that we worked with thousands upon thousands upon thousands of marriages and we have worked with many of those marriages where either the husband or the wife was quote madly in love in quote with someone else to the point that I don't want to be with my spouse anymore I want to divorce him or her and I'm gonna go be my my lover and it's gonna be happy ever after and I can only think of one that got even close to that out of all the thousands that we dealt with now realize even when I say that that I can only think of one if you're in this situation you might be thinking well we'll be the next one there for everything you have said or about to say well not apply to us because we're gonna be the exception to the rule it's going to be amazing for us and that's exactly how I felt and what I would have thought oh this happened but well you listen just a minute or two while I try to answer the question about well if that first one had worked out would you have ever gone back to your wife or would you be now very happily married with her okay the first thing I know from my own experience but also from the experience of thousands and thousands of people that we worked with is that the relationship with this person that you're now madly in love with will change no matter what you do if you decide to go back to your spouse is obviously going to change although those feelings will not immediately go away if you decide to divorce your spouse and go be with that person it's still going to change and you say why well because of the fact that all relationships do you see there's that early stage sometimes referred to as infatuation where you have these intense emotions toward each other and you go through all kinds of things I'll describe in a couple of minutes but with all relations that have to do with romance about two people like a man and a woman falling in love with each other they all go through these stages and they all at some point begin to diminish and change into a different kind of love that does not have the ecstasy you see here's the thing if you're madly in love with another person is an amazing sensation like as I said earlier nobody understands how I feel except that person nobody's even ever felt what I'm feeling except that other person I can't even explain it to anybody else I know it's your Florrick but you see that's what you feel today now we could point out the research and the research is ample about how long this is going to last now we can't take it to the moment we can tell you to the even the day the month of the year but we will tell you that it definitely will change as a matter of fact if you look at it from an anthropological standpoint even a biological standpoint which I know has no interest to you at all it has to change because people in that state of intense relationship with each other that intense set of emotions that becomes overpowering it's affected your productivity I'll almost guarantee you that's right this affected your productivity and you definitely a lot of daydreaming about the other person about what the future is gonna be like and you imagine it's going to be this and imagine it's going to be that to the point that you're thinking can even be obsessive that's not for everybody but for many and those daydreams those expectations of what you think's going to be there gonna happen because you see you're working off of what you're feeling today and if you decide to give up your marriage give me the relationship with your children if you have them to end the things with your spouse because of what you feel today think about well what are you gonna feel tomorrow you see the emotions are going to subside I'm not saying they're going to immediately and automatically go away but they will subside even in the relationship you have now if you felt this kind of ecstasy or anything even close to it when you were dating each other and then you finally got married you've been married for a while and those emotions did subside now to a different kind of love maybe but they definitely did subside and the sexual relationships I mean if you're having sex for the lover you probably are thinking it's amazing it's phenomenal and it's good to be like this tomorrow and the day after that and the year after that and the decade after that it's gonna be the most amazing sex for the rest of my life and that's just not the case we know there's a thing called sexual habituation which means in any couple no matter how intense their emotions are for each other after a couple of years the level of intensity and the sex life begins to change think about your own marriage it definitely did did it not after a period of time and the sexual habituation meaning you've become so used to each other what's gonna happen next who's gonna do what who's gonna say you what all those kinds of things and you're thinking oh no no no no that might happen to other people but it's not going to happen to us we're different well in one sense we all are different we all are unique there's no doubt about that but one thing about statistics and I know that you're not a statistic is that statistics give us insight under human behavior and I'm not a gambling man but if I were I put some big money on the fact that whatever you're feeling for each other today is not how you're gonna be feeling about each other in five years as a matter of fact based on how long you've already been together it may not even be another year it's going to change so the first thing that changed with Sally su and me and not yes so the point where she left me I know that and you think okay it's bitter sour grapes because of the fact that you were abandoned but remember I had to develop relationship with another person Allison were divorced for three years and had a very intense and wonderful relationship in that sense where the other person and still made the decision to leave her but more towards what I'm about to talk about it's because you begin to think about how what you do affects other people and that should matter to you unless you think you're the only person in the world who matters and surely that can't be you for example think about what you do to your spouse if you leave him or her for another person he or she will be hurt unless I already checked out and gone off and left you they're gonna be hurt because of the fact that you rejected they all still love you that can come a time when that Levins I understand that but they'll be deeply hurt they'll feel rejected they'll go through their issues of self-esteem like how can I not compare to her why she's so much better than I or what is the offer that I can't offer you and they'll start questioning themselves and their future is going to be affected by your abandoning them no matter what you said she'll be happy he'll be happy they'll find somebody else they'll get married they'll be wonderful maybe maybe they will get married again it's not a guarantee that they'll get married again but there's a possibility that my being married again but because of the fact that we deal with marriages every day every day of all sorts people in their first marriages second marriages third marriages even today talking to somebody in a fifth marriage understand that the hurt that you carry from whatever previous relationship definitely affects how you operate in this relationship and so while you might think well it doesn't matter and my spouse can go ahead and live as he or she wants to I don't need to stop and think about her he's not right problem she's not my problem I'm assuming that at one time you cared about what she felt about what he felt and if you're intense emotional connection to this new person is so powerful that you don't care what your spouse feels now what would that possibly say about the way you're thinking hello I know I know you may be doing what I did I vilified Alice what I mean by that is I turned her into the villain talked about how evil she was all the terrible things she did how she was getting what she deserved and fully believed all of those things when I was saying them but deep down into myself I knew she's actually a good woman she doesn't deserve what I'm doing to her I didn't want to feel guilt about the pain that was causing her just like you may not want to feel guilt about the pain you're causing your spouse but if he or she carries anything about you at all then you do know that by leaving him or her for another person you are hurting that person if you're thinking well that's not really what matters what matters is how I feel not what he feels not what she feels have you ever heard that old thing about what goes around comes around but some of these to religion people will call karma or if you're an American Christian you'd read and look of Galatians about whatever you sow you're going to reap don't think that anything you do in life stands in and of itself by itself because everything we do has an effect not just on others but it tends to come back to us I wish you weren't always that way but that's pretty well is the way it is and not just your spouse but your kids people often say well I don't I don't owe my kids well I don't know quite how your thing but I'm assuming if you have children you have some love for those children as a matter of fact you may love your children deeply alter the stuff and I did I never quit loving my children deeply but you know I never stopped to think to myself they didn't ask to be born I was part of the process that brought them in to this life into this world onto this planet therefore they don't owe me because they didn't ask me to do it I owed them because I brought them here and there's certain obligations as their father that I have toward these kids just like if you're the mother there's certain obligations you have though these kids because you brought them into existence and unless you have because you couldn't care for them or you couldn't those thing do those things you you gave him or hope for adoption so that other good people could take care of them and if you did that I actually admire people if they know they can't take care of their kids that they do make sure that good families can get them to take care of them so I'm not I'm not damming people for that but if you are the one then what responsibility do you have now think about this even if things had worked out with Sally sue the person I talked about in the first video would that then mean that I had no more obligation to my children and everything well the kids are resilient they're fine kids are resilient and I'm not saying it would have destroyed their lives but it definitely will affect them even though Alice nine eventually got back together and remarried and and my children and I have wonderful relationships to this day I can see the effect as a matter of fact sometimes we talk about the effect on one daughter in particularly I'm thinking about right now who still has fears and worries about abandonment from her husband but not because of anything that he did or has done or is doing but because of what I did all those years ago so yeah mmm they can are bazillion and they can go on with life and they can have good lives but if you pretend to yourself it's not going to affect them you know better than that in a workshop we do for marriages in crisis sometimes on Saturday afternoon people will tell stories about their childhood and inevitably one or two of them will mention how their parents divorce affected them to this day and then interestingly just a little while later somebody who was sitting there watching them heard that pain heard that agony this so bothers them to this day we'll say divorce doesn't affect kids at all and I'm going did you not hear what he just said or she just said and then I realized no they didn't they were so focused on their lover so focused on what they were feeling at the moment that that they didn't allow themselves to hear the responsibilities that parents have the kids and how that if parents divorced it affects kids I know or at least I'm assuming if we put your lover right here and your kids right there and said you've got to make a choice between the two of them that some of you would say I choose my children but what if you were to say well if I had to choose between my kids and my lover I pick my lover if that's how you feel that's how you feel I'm not even trying to beat you up for it I'm just saying but what might that tell you about you and particularly about your kids how they feel about themselves about how level though they are their self-esteem the way they're going to view future relationships and the fears they're gonna carry in their lives about the people that love them like a husband or wife that may come along later yeah you see it wasn't just about me being happy with Sally sue it was about everybody else and our world was affected including the people I brought onto the planet well you see but even your lover in the midst of passion you're having what's called a halo effect what that means is you don't tend to see his or her flaws that's what happens when people feel these amazing powerful emotions toward another we just don't seek the flaws in the other person or if we see the flaws we minimize them yeah I see that but okay guess what's gonna happen over time when the intensity of this passion eventually begins to subside and even though you're claiming that won't happen for you who will it happened for me it happened for Sally sue if we were the only two then that doesn't mean anything and then I could understand your thing of sour grapes but I've worked with thousands and thousands and thousands of couples and thousands of these people have been through this and it happens it does finally begin to subside and then that halo effect goes away and finally you can begin to see the flaws and the other person because everybody is imperfect including you which means they're also gonna see her flaws you know what I wasn't thinking about was what it was costing Sally sue to be with me what was she losing how did it affect her other relationships her reputation her own self-concept so many other things I wasn't thinking about anything but one thing and that's the two of us being together for the rest of our lives and how happy we were gonna be and finally when those emotions begin to subside she began to say everything she'd given up to be with me and she became very upset they didn't happen like that it wasn't overnight it gradually occurred but when it did who do you think she was angry with it wasn't anger at herself because of the decisions that she had made he was anger with me no that's not an anomaly that's not unusual we see that again and again and again that when that intense emotions begin to fade if the other person had to give up something for you reputation relationships religion occupation family whatever it might be when the emotions begin to fade they get really upset with you and and if you're being honest with yourself was it really fair to ask him or to give up everything for you and even yourself even if you wind up together you understand it's not going to be like it is now and the odds of you winding up together actually extremely slim most people who leave their spouse for another person never married that person those emotions fade before it ever gets that far and so they don't want a big married to each other and the ones that do marry each other they have an exceptionally high divorce rate hey you said wait a minute but some of them do make it yeah some of them do the ones I know that have made it still have regrets about what they did and they have regrets about the pain that caused other people and the pain they caused themselves you see your actions determine your future so I guess what you need to be asking yourself what's the most important thing for you well have a straight and trying to answer the question would I be all for these things if I had wound up marrying Sally sue and we lived quote happily ever after in quote I know enough about my heart now that but I was so focused on her at that point I want to be where the her life will not be worth living if I'm not with her she's the most amazing thing that ever happened to me and she was feeling the same kind of things about me that that's all I was focused on at the time but with time those focuses begin to change those emotions begin to modify and were there come a time when I would have looked at the pain my children were going through and asked myself did I do that because of my own selfish desires would there be times I would look at Alice and whatever happened to her in her future and felt some twinge of you know a lot of it has to do with what I did to her when I left her yeah and would it also be about me you see the reason I finally left this second one and went back and asked Alice if she would consider taking me back was because I realized by following these actions I became a different person my my own values had changed my my beliefs had changed which meant that I had changed and now when they realized I want to be me again I want to be that guy again only better than he was before look I'm not the only person that's built this I'm not the only person that's been through this again we've dealt with thousands but let me refer to a song and I'll wrap this up it's Bob Bob Seger the songs call against the wind they understand for copyright reasons I can't put all lyrics up here but I'm sure you can find many web pages that do well remember when he sang about it man and Seger obviously understood this he talked about this woman named Janie who was the queen of his night he said and he talked about how they shared their secrets with each other and that their love was like a wildfire there was out of control remember that song and he talked about that she held him oh so tight when she promised that it never would end remember that other line I wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then what's that bond it ends and what does that do to you you begin to have regrets you begin to be adrift as a matter of fact he phrase it like that from that point on in the song he phrased it that he sought shelter again and again you see in the psychology world is called a focusing illusion it means you think when I had this one thing I'm going to be happy I focus can't illusion be like if I win the lottery I'll be happy but when you're madly in love with another person thinking I'm gonna give up my spouse if I have children give them up as well I'll see them every other weekend or whatever it might be I can be a good parent and and in that marriage and all those kinds of things that a person thinks and that a person does if you make those decisions based on what you feel now it doesn't really reflect what you're gonna feel in the future maybe a year from now maybe two maybe three and then maybe you'll be singing I wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then and that's the consequence this is how these things wind up because you see ultimately every decision we make has a consequence so would I if I have been with Sally sue be happy now and encouraging other people leave your spouse go marry whoever you want to you'll have a great life with that person don't worry about the consequences no I wouldn't be saying that even if I'd wound up with her I'd be talking about these decisions are made have consequences not just to me but the people around me even if you end up with Sally sue I would still be seeing that now but I wouldn't have seen it then because all I could think about was how I felt is it really all about me is it really all about you oh I want you to be happy I really do but not based on something that you think's from the last forever that definitely has a shelf life an end date if you're going to make your decisions make your decisions thinking what's the long-term what's the right thing to do it's always your choice hey down below you can see how to subscribe to our channel and get all of our videos we'd love to have you do that and if you want to talk to us about hey how can I end this or how could I possibly be putting my marriage back together how could I ever be in love with my spouse again after thinking what I felt for this man or this one if you want to look into that we can help you with just call the number you see on your screen we'll be glad to talk to you we'll help anywhere we can hey I'm all for love love that lasts what about you [Music]

Channel: Marriage Helper

Views: 200,888

Rating: 4.8472185 out of 5

Keywords: married but in love with someone else, how to save your marriage, limerence affair, marriage helper, joe beam, dr joe beam, my wife hates me, falling in love with a married man, married and in love with someone else, i love you but i'm not in love with you, how to love your husband, marriage separation, marriage helper pies, in love with someone else, marriage helper limerence

Id: uXC7RxHkbc0

Length: 24min 53sec (1493 seconds)

Published: Thu Nov 29 2018