(APPLAUSE) Wow, thank you Kamau, not racist! (LAUGHTER) Woo, sorry I was a little late coming here I don't know if you know we got a flesh light in the bag. So..uh... (LAUGHTER) Whew, I have been busy! (LAUGHTER) Yeah, flew here from New York. Boy I hate flying, that's the worst part about this gig. I like a train, gimme an Amtrak any day. Trains have such low self esteem, ya know? No bag check, no security, it's almost like they want a terrorist. (LAUGHTER) I hate flying! Flying is like a high maintenance chick. Like: "You wanna get inside me? Get here an hour early, take your shoes off and do a body scan!" You're like "Jesus Christ!" Come on. A train's like a fat chick. Like "Get a beer, get in here!!" (LAUGHTER) (CLAPPING) No security what so ever! You can walk on a train with three suitcases full of cocaine, like "hey if you see something say something! Choo choo!" (LAUGHTER) This is how sad and lonely trains are: Trains don't ask to see your boarding pass until the train has left the station. (LAUGHTER) You're already moving and then they ask. How much could they really care? "Tickets please?" "I don't have one." "Well you gotta buy one now!" "I don't have any money!" "...We'll figure it out!" Alright!! (LAUGHTER) "Enjoy Dallas!" (LAUGHTER) I got here in the afternoon and everybody's already boozed up. This is a real boozy fest. (WOOO!) I like to drink, I gotta cut back. I was so hungover today. Isn't that amazing we still can't prevent a hangover? We have all this technology, I've tried the water, I've tried the pills, nothing works. We can prevent children, we can't prevent a hangover. (LAUGHTER) At least some people want kids. (LAUGHTER) I've never woken up like "Whew I am really hungover but you know what?" "I think I wanna keep it." (LAUGHTER) Runs in the family, my uncle's a mess. Yeah, my uncle's actually 30 years sober. Can you believe that? 30 years sober! (WOOOO!) The other day I was like "Man, I got so drunk I lost my phone." My uncle was like "Oh yeah, I did that once ." I was like "Wow, you know how drunk you have to be to lose your phone 30 YEARS AGO?" (LAUGHTER) Holy hell! (LAUGHTER) Are you telling me you got hammered and lost a landline? (LAUGHTER) I saw some fun gay guys out there. Any gay guys in here? (WOOING!) Alright, thanks for coming out.... (LAUGHTER) Love the gays, gay guys are the best. I don't get the whole homophobia thing. Any homophobes here? (LAUGHTER) I think homophobia can actually be kinda dangerous. You know, friend of mine, he's kind of a tough guy. He went skydiving recently. He's like "Yeah, I'm not strapping some guy to my back. That's super gay!" Yeah, haha. Now he's dead. (LAUGHTER) There ya go. It's just a weird thing to put your energy into. I saw a guy in Central Park once, he was ranting about gays adopting kids. What a weird thing to be angry about. I like seeing a gay couple with a kid. You see a gay couple with a kid, you know there's no way that kid was an accident. No gay couple could ever get that fucked up. Like "holy shit! What happened last night? Good lord!" (LAUGHTER) Did we rob an orphanage?! Holy moly!" (LAUGHTER) Yeah, give gay couples kids. You know who shouldn't have kids...? Poor people. Why is that allowed? That's a terrible idea. Right? Come on. My parents are poor and I'm a comedian. Red flag. (LAUGHTER) I don't know. Sometimes I wish I was gay. I got fired from my last job for "sexual harassment." I told a woman she had nice cleavage and they fired me. Which pissed me off because my gay friends at work would get away with murderrrrr! They'd be like "Hey Shelly, how are ya?" HONK HONK. It's like, why is that ok? "well, he's not attracted to women." So what? "I'm not attracted to kids, I can't go to a playground like "Hey Timmy!! Get over here! (LAUGHTER) I don't get stuff like that. I'm trying to learn. Like you're a women. Wouldn't you rather be complimented by a group that's into you? I don't care if a lesbian compliments me. Nothing against lesbians but that doesn't help my ego. If a lesbian's like "Hey Mark, I like your haircut." I'm like "I know, you have the same one!" (LAUGHTER) Racism, homophobia. How do you hate a whole group? That's what I don't get. A whole group of people? Jews, blacks, gays. How do you hate a whole group? I hate specifics about people. You know? Like people who drink Rockstar... Believe in ghosts... and say "it is what it is." That's who I hate. (LAUGHTER) A whole group? I don't get it. (LAUGHTER) Racism, it's alive and well man. I was just down in Knoxville, Tennessee. You guys ever been there? Woooo, what a shithole. (LAUGHTER) They are 30 years behind over there. You ever go to a town so small, they're still racist towards certain white people? (LAUGHTER) They're like "watch out over there, that's where the dirty Irish live." I was like "Jesus Christ (LAUGHTER) Wow, you guys haven't made it to black people yet?" (LAUGHTER) Oh my god you're far behind, Pick it up! I live in New York, we're passed arabs! Let's go!!! (LAUGHTER) Again, these are all jokes. Take it easy. I'm not racist. I look at racism the same way I look at Nickleback. (LAUGHTER) Yeah, you know... It's fun to joke about but you never wanna see it live. (LAUGHTER) (Laughter and applause) I grew up in Louisiana. (Wooooo!) Yeah, yeah. I grew up with this guy, hates minorities. Every type, hates them all. Which is weird to me because he just had a baby. I find that strange. Cuz when you think about it, babies and minorities have all the same negative stereotypes. If you hate minorities, you should hate babies too. Think about it. Babies are loud in movie theaters. (LAUGHTER) They can't swim, they all l look alike. (Laughter) They're lazy, they don't work. (LAUGHTER) They can't drive. Terrible tippers. Yeah, they come to this country not knowing the language!! (LAUGHTER) But everybody loves a baby. (LAUGHTER) I don't get it. But ya know, you can't be racist in public these days. That's for sure. It's very risky, lose your job, get ostracized from society. That's why if anyone's ever racist around you now in public you know they trust you. Kinda this weird bittersweet moment. You're on a smoke break with some guy, he's like "Man, I can't stand Mexicans." Like "Holy shit, you're full of hate but I didn't know we were so close." (LAUGHTER) Oh my god! (LAUGHTER) We should move in together. I mean, I don't know who's gonna clean the place but we'll figure it out. (LAUGHTER) Don't clam up on me now south by! These are all jokes, jokes, jokes. We gotta joke about this stuff. I don't know. Hating a whole group of people. I saw a thing. Any jews here? (WOOOING) Alright, too many!! (LAUGHTER) I saw a thing on the news the other day about Neo Nazis. You heard of these guys? Neo Nazi. What a crazy concept. Neo Nazi? DO you really need the Neo? You got 'nazi' in there, I think you're cool. (LAUGHTER) Is that name changing anyone's mind? "Neo nazi? I'm listening!" (LAUGHTER) Come on, you're a hate group. Do you really need a new hip name? Other hate groups don't do that. "Hey we're not the KKK anymore, we're K cubed!" (CLICKS TEETH) "Things are changing around here baby, new sheets, higher thread count." (LAUGHTER) Oh yeah I started dating a Jewish gal. I just found out she wants to get breast implants. That blew my mind. I use the term breast implants because I don't like the term 'fake breasts.' It doesn't make sense to me. Because the breasts are real, it's just the shit inside that's fake. The actual breasts are still real. It's kinda like the bible. The bok is real, it's just the shit inside that's fake. (LAUGHTER) The book is real, it's leather. (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER) But I gotta figure something out. I'm getting older. About a year ago I started getting paranoid about losing my hair. I started taking Propecia. Could Not get an erection. Yeah, you remember. (LAUGHTER) This girl I was dating at the time was like "Hey you gotta get off those pills. I'd rather you have a boner than hair." Which is nice but that only makes sense when you're dating somebody. That doesn't work in the beginning. Like if I was a bald guy that hit on her at a bar and was like 'Hey can I buy you a drink?" She's like "I'm good." I'm like "Uh, I have a boner!" (LAUGHTER) "I know you prefer that to hair." (LAUGHTER) But hey, maybe I'll meet a nice gal at this festival. I can pretend to have tattoos. Yeah, yeah. (LAUGHTER) Newly single guy, back on the scene. Went on a date with a girl recently. Went pretty well. Went back to her place. I take out a condom and she goes "Whoa, where'd you get that thing?" I was like "well they were free at the bar." She was like "Ew, that's gross." I was like "well, there where I got you." (LAUGHTER) Dates are tough now cuz we want everything so quick. Everything quick. Tinder, fast food, high speed internet. Everything quick. The only thing we don't want quick is sex. When's that gonna catch up? I was with a girl the other night. I finished kinda early. She's like "Hey, what's going on here?" I was like "well, these are the times we're living in..." (LAUGHTER) Come on! I don't have time for your vagina to be buffering. Let's go!! You're an analog girl living in a digital world sister. Pick it up! (LAUGHTER) I went on a date with a girl recently, she said she likes a strong silent type. Wow, that's mildly offensive. Imagine if a guy said that. "What do you look for in a woman?" "...Silence" (LAUGHTER) Yeah, I like a woman who's tough and shuts the fuck up. That's what I'm into. (LAUGHTER) Yeah, you gals can say a lotta stuff. My last gal dumped me cuz she said I wasn't manly enough for her. Not a manly guy. That one hurt. I didn't know women were allowed to say stuff like that. I'm all abut equality but how come a woman can say stuff like "Yeah, I like a guy who's good with his hands." "He can fix stuff around the house." But if I say "I like a woman who can cook." People go "Whoa, whoa, it's not the 50's." How come her job for me's ok but my job for her is not ok? Also, who doesn't like somebody that can fix stuff around the house? I'd love to come home, my girlfriend's like "I built us a deck." Hey alright! Fucking right. Yeah!! Awesome, I'll do laundry! Women, you guys are so smart because you guys made your gender roles offensive. (LAUGHTER) That was very clever. (LAUGHTER) Well played ladies, well played. (LAUGHTER) Guys how great would that be if we could get offended? She wakes you up at 4 am. "I heard glass shattering. There's someone breaking in!" "well, it's not the 50's, go check it out!' (LAUGHTER) Alright, thanks a lot. I'm Kevin Hart!! Thank you!
