Malik S. Half Hour Special

[Music] in a world of stand-up comedy the half hour special creates opportunities that a comic has long dreamed about it's the gateway to the next level all right loving the energy loving the energy welcome to the next level people I want you to say hello to tonight's comedian I'm talking about my guy Malik s who comes to us from Miami Florida come on man get a guy some love sometimes a female I like the outfit I'll talk about you teaching I heard that you yeah teacher man uh English teacher what grade is it Sixth and eighth grade sixth and eighth grade yeah yeah yeah man yeah successful teacher like you no not really substitute teacher no real teacher a real teacher yeah for a year well not a whole year we went to spring break you know to get that week off yeah I ain't go back you didn't go back after that okay oh God I didn't go back Public Schools [Laughter] [Music] the crazy thing is you know spring break is kind of like like April school ends in in like May June so I had enough sick time to take off for the rest of the year he said I'm not coming back so I really still had a job but I was just like I'm sick okay I I saw this picture and I just want to I want to ask the people they think I'm going to show you guys man what what Malik look like when when he was teaching this is this is [Music] this is Miami Florida though and this this 2003 to you gotta think like that was the look yeah but how did you go from here to there because because they kept backing up so it was like I was gonna have a convertible dress so I'll just say you know what cut them off all right now Malik look you've been touring comedy clubs all over the country man I think you're more than ready to go to the next level man so go out there and do what you do best go make these people laugh we were lucky to have you man let's do it thank you really bad ladies and gentlemen the next level presents Malik s [Music] that's my pastor favorite song right there well y'all go to church God is good and all the time look at the people that don't go to church they don't know what to say look at that how they know to say that together I ain't getting no pamphlet I know black people know God is good much as we pray all black people be praying I know Jesus be in heaven like these [ __ ] because black people we pray for stuff we can control how many times you do this let me don't let me be late to work [ __ ] get your ass up don't you hang out pray for that that man got big stuff to deal with people trying to fight cancer you try not to get written up get to the back of the line nobody gonna die so your ass can snooze it's a woman's world man the world is ran by women because women got coochie power cooch is powerful yeah look at her [Music] [Applause] yeah [Music] I don't know who did the promotion for coochie they did a good job we ever had dick they dropped the ball because coochie's like Versace Dick is like sketches don't nobody give a damn it's always on sale 75 off shut plans down dick don't shut plans down fellas you could have plans with your boys for three months you've been working your butt off you've been working 50 60 hours a week for months straight now it's time for you and your guys to have a night out your girl walk in the room and shut it down cause she got cooch power she walk in the room butt ass naked smelling good with the Victoria's Secret lotion on with some high heels on you sitting on the bed trying to put on your shoes to go out she come over and bend over and put that thing right in your face be like you sure you want to leave Big Daddy now you like you know what y'all go ahead man y'all FaceTiming FaceTime yeah I'm Gonna Miss This one dick don't do that your girl can't be about to go out you walk out with your dick hanging out she like move get your ass out the way you start getting dressed faster she like let me hurry up he's trying to get some ass I'm going to put my makeup on in the car I'm out of here you know she ain't gonna change her plans for your little ass dick she know that little dick gonna be there when she get back [Applause] it's a woman's world man and women love sex more than men it's a myth everybody you love sex no women love sex way more than men yeah who you think came with the theory of let's make love all night that was not a man out there you know how many minutes in all night your ass ain't gonna make it I can't make it through law order how I'm gonna make it through all night [Applause] you know why women can make love all night because their organs are not external women have a whole you can make deposit in the whole all damn day it's like going to the bank you could always make a deposit that demand you ain't never gonna go to the bed they'd be like oh we got too much money today we can't take your money but you can't always make a withdrawal after why they're gonna be like insufficient funds that's what we be ladies insufficient funds that's why Ladies If you bless to see your heart dick later on tonight say thank you I appreciate it because erections are dangerous ladies don't waste no erection that man risking his life you know when a man get erection ladies we gotta borrow blood from another body part to go to our dick to make it hard we gotta borrow blood ladies so when we making love to you it's a part of our body ain't got no blood in it we risking our lives so your ass can feel good yeah and you taking forever early yeah yeah wait a minute [ __ ] you better hurry up my food going no I'm on your ass up I ain't gonna lose no foot for you to bust a nut yeah I got my foot I need my foot I'm sorry can't go to work with one foot selfish ass women they don't give a damn about you love women man gotta practice safe sex though man a lot of STDs out there fellas I know everybody want to feel the natural but it's dangerous out here now man they got a lot of STDs someone ain't got no cure I just read about one earlier called child support I was like ooh who's killing brothers about a thousands [Applause] that's why don't let no woman fool me they'll be like oh you don't need no condom cause I'm on the field I'm like well give me one too yours might not dissolve on time you take one I'll take one I use anything for a rubber Eminem bag Dorito bag I don't give a damn cause a lot of fellas don't know this child support can last longer than the age of 18 if your child go to college yeah look at all the women yeah I love my kids but College ain't for everybody y'all ain't no wrong being a Janna that's a good ass job you gonna open up a lot of doors you got all the keys that's why I tell every man in the audience do 10 of these every morning just when you get up loosen up your hip do 10 of these every morning practice your pulling out this could change your life this little emotion could change your life this apartment this house this is a Corolla there's an Escalade I don't want no more damn kids I already got two kids I'm done with kids they overrated I mean I love my kids but if I ain't have them I wasn't gonna be mad [Applause] I got a son and a daughter and I love my daughter way more than my son as a good father should can't love your son and daughter equally your bad parent I love my daughter way more because she's a princess she's a woman I want her to feel what unconditional love from a man feel like you know what I'm saying yeah yeah cause I don't want my baby to get tricked like her mama did you know what I'm saying I fooled her ass my son's 16 he been taking karate since he was five that's 11 years of karate he ain't never ever fight we don't know if this [ __ ] is working out it could be a killer he could be a [ __ ] we don't know he'd be in school get into arguments with the other little boys he'll be trying to talk it out like no [ __ ] him up finish him [Applause] 16 years old all he was Michael Jordan's shoes but he a virgin I'm like that's a waste of Jordans and his mama don't believe you a virgin like how you know how you know I know universities how you know he ever I said because he still call you Mommy that's how I know you're a virgin cause I ain't no dude out here getting ass calling a mom mommy I said today he called me like hey what you cook mom be like ah That's my boy I'm so proud I'm so proud of you [Applause] I let my kids curse my daughter ate I let her curse yep I let her get one off and what you think though only when she get good grades first time we did it totally forgot about it you know it'll take nine weeks for a report card to come so I agree to it but I moved on with my life out of nowhere my daughter called she was like Daddy look at this [ __ ] [ __ ] hello girl you lost your mind she's like uh [ __ ] straight ass oh my God all right go ahead go ahead go ahead I love my kids I love them you know out here trying to date I like older women that's my area I don't like no woman my age group because they still not ready women my age group still got hopes and dreams I don't want to date nobody with hopes and dreams I want somebody that's content where their life is at I like grown ass women AARP Member that's my area yeah I want somebody with that blue sticker we could park in the front like grown out I'm looking in the audience look at all these growing women in the audience that's what I'm talking about you know how much medicine in his audience right now as soon as you say you got a headache I got something to leave right here baby I like grown ass women I don't like no little young girl little young girls mine ain't ready yet cause they still got unrealistic expectations of a man little young girl still looking for a man with big dick good credit faithful and handsome like [ __ ] that's not a real person you better go to build a bear and make this [ __ ] okay see older women already know that older women are they don't want months they just want you to drop some dick off and change the battery and they smoke detector that's all they want they just tired of hearing b-ball goddamn night that's why when I see men Target younger girls because they ain't ready yet for the older women because you can't impress a older woman with the same thing you do a little young girl I'm seeing a little young girl right they look a little cute little 24 year old get life ain't together yet you get her purse she lose her damn mind oh my God he brought me a purse a [ __ ] got a bag that don't work on grown women behind them you want to impress growing them you gotta use other stuff like Furniture that's how you impress a grown ass woman is that a lot of sex what's she gonna do with the sectional ain't gonna fit in her room my dog came close [Applause] I like grown ass women only woman my age group I'm infatuated with is Beyonce Beyonce is amazing Beyonce gets a pass Beyonce is Flawless you know she's beautiful she's sexy she's rich like Beyonce is amazing like Beyonce could be coming out the age Clinic crying I still have sex with her raw no condom people like you got A's I'm like let me tell you how I got it though I ain't got regular eggs [Applause] just that lemonade [Applause] gotta get it together man see all the couples I could tell that dude married right they got a sweater vest on that's married right now any dude wear a sweater vest is married as hell God he don't make no decision in his household look at him you don't know nothing about his life you don't even know he got a doctor's appointment next week and she ain't tell him yet he gonna wake up you gotta go to the doctor on feel good I thought I felt good goddamn husband yo sorry for husband y'all just look like husband look it's just sad look at him look at her look at that look at that look at that jacket come on man he gave up look at him Just Married as hell just oh man how long y'all been together I know y'all been together orange how long y'all been together how many y'all been 20 years yeah that's a long time notice I asked the man I would never ask a man in front of this woman how long they been together I ain't gonna hate on him like that I know he don't know you never asked a man in front of this woman how long they've been together because he got a use what's important to him to figure it out I'd be like hey bro I don't even miss a girl he'd be like [ __ ] I got my truck in 99 [Music] [Applause] look this boy think he next he like oh wait a minute that's that marriage married long time married yeah happy y'all don't look happy all right I think we happy that's what she said I'm just kidding man I like this audience man it's beautiful right here man we all mixed up in here look at his audience yeah I came out man you got black people white people Spanish people here it's beautiful man we all in here together man glad my Spanish people came out you know thank y'all yeah not letting Trump let y'all scared leader house appreciate y'all risking y'all freedom to come get these jokes that's all right that's that's pretty because I want to came if I was y'all but I mess with Spanish people yeah yeah Mexican people man that's the best mechanic you could get right there man the old Mexican man well poppy put a whole Transmission in your car with a toothbrush Bobby how you do that probably don't give a man probably like I do it your payment I said I don't want no problem because this mean I don't give a damn in Spanish I got an accident with an old Mexican man he was madder than me he hit me in the back I say poppy you hit my common cold police popping okay probably was like you call police alcoholics you can't call your own police Papi I like making everybody laugh that's why I'm glad this audience missed because black people make me laugh I think all black people are comedians some of us just got the courage to get up here because black people we funny as hell black people don't give a damn we we move on quick as hell stuff don't bother black people alone that's why we don't go to therapy by the time we try to therapy we get there we forgot what he's mad about like I don't even know what I'm here I feel like black people we move on man we a funny group of people man we the only people that will use the word two time to put more emphasis on the word we ain't gonna say a better word we're gonna say the word twice after a whole another level and we understand the difference in the world how many times do this you're hungry I'm hungry but they ain't like I'm hungry hungry [Applause] that mean I could eat later I'm cool right now it's cold outside it's cold but ain't like Coco you don't need no jacket or none but fellas you got to be careful cause women do it too they be like girl he's DB is big but ain't like baby [Applause] you better give me my other big I ain't no one big [Applause] funny man I'm originally from Miami I live here in L.A now I Love L.A man beautiful weather yeah I Love L.A I had to learn La though I I didn't know I knew it was gay but I know it was like this gay like I had to learn like gay people were like powerful out here and I'm not homophobic if you gay do your thing I don't give a damn my brother gay you know matter of fact when I moved out here I called my brother I was like bro you need to move out of his dick anywhere yeah and I'm for real my brother really gay he's a flight attendant so you know I ain't lying you know what I'm saying he's just walking around all day peanuts breakfast is is this My name got them got them s's in pretzels [Applause] but I love my brother that's my big brother I'll never call him the f word or nothing like that he's a man and I treat him as such he's supposed to be tonight he ain't make it I'm glad he ain't come because I'm like hang with my brother not cause he ain't gonna try to sleep with me we family you know I mean but it's just that my brother's so good looking he cop blocked me without even trying it's hard trying to pick up a chick when we're together because if I try to pick up a chick they dissed me to get to him I'm like hey baby how you doing she's like whatever what's up with your brother I'm like shoot what's up with your brother that's what he gonna ask your ass [Applause] she messed me up though she was like damn that's too bad he gay cause I was gonna sleep with both of y'all I was like I mean he gay but he ain't like gay guy y'all all right man y'all all right with me man all right that's it yep I'm finished yeah appreciate it thank you thank you oh yeah I know like I just ended it like that like you you come to comedy shows usually the comedian in on a big show you're like thank you good night I don't really do that whatever joke you like best just go back to that one that's how I roll yeah cause I'm I know we ain't having a good time and I'm technically I'm still at work you know and I treat my job like you treat your job matter of fact I'm supposed to do five more minutes but I'm leaving early like y'all last do yeah because whatever you do for eight hours a day you don't start doing the extra good right before you clock out do you just clock out right [Applause] [Music]

Channel: MalikSComedy

Views: 4,373

Keywords: Malik S, ThisMalikS, Funny Malik, Comeidan

Id: qJWCDjLbTjk

Length: 20min 31sec (1231 seconds)

Published: Thu May 11 2023