MAD TV - vol 18

wdg have supported Mitch Ruffin here on the streets of Detroit talking to people about what stories mattered to them the movies excuse me ma'am do you care to comment about the upcoming Oscar race oh well yes I do I mean I'll tell you who shouldn't win it's that Philip Seymour Hoffman I just did not enjoy Capote at all oh okay did you think oh da da no I mean I just I simply didn't enjoy it well I disagree I have to go to get my own personal disagreements on that one in this particular matter you again ya know me personally I got to tell you for me I love Capote a component was a good ass movie to meet me I thought it was good so I personally would say that Capote was let's see dare I say what are the words that I'm looking for [Applause] [Music] thank you thank you for coming and thank you and thank you for your comment thank you so do you care to comment about the Oscars this year any any of your picks for Oscars a cinema theatre was the remake of King Kong [Music] [Laughter] thank you so much for everything anyways look into humpback Valley right what I would tell you what happened I hate going into the Cineplex myself right cuz I was gonna walk up in there and see cheeping riding a dozen hot dogs you know cuz I was born about five or six of them kids was gonna walk up in that movie but then I heard the sound of two dudes kissing right and now sat down in the seat y'all I was not prepared for what I was about to win this y'all okay but I'm starting that seat now watch that movie because because I love you [Music] [Music] and we're crazy but crack will be obvious [Music] anyways this is Mitch Ruffin four seriously say another word I'm gonna punch your lights out I'm sick of you ruining my important news stories not one word this is Mitch reppin 4wd [Applause] [Music] don't do that this is where I live these guys are taking away my home why is it dirty well of course it is I do everything in here that's no reason to take away mine huh oh here comes Gordon he'll stop them hey kids Bert what is going on these guys are taking away my home oh don't feel bad about it bird everybody has to move off a Sesame Street why because I sold it the real estate market is through the roof I didn't even realize that you owned Sesame Street Gordon sure my Grandpop bought up all of Sesame Street back when it was coloreds only so ray do you have to pack up your bags [Music] we'll be living in a car remove it and you is for you whole look out kids here comes a wrecking ball oh hey Bert looks like we gotta find a new place to live wait what do you mean we I'm moving into Grover's place in Chelsea Oh room for one meal no it's a studio we're going to be on top of each other as it is with it we will uni together we were out of convenience you have the sweet rent control brownstone well now it's gone and so and I see we don't forget your papers little urchin [Music] oh my head is killing me don't worry old friend we'll get you some aspirin I've got some vicodin [Music] [Music] [Music] sorry about your Fred here he didn't Ross hey kids this is my new friend Donald Trump he's the real estate developer that's tearing down your homes I'm gonna build the most magnificent opulent luxurious lavish extravagance Starbucks ever known a man and you're already a millionaire billionaire bird [Music] I love cash and I don't care if somebody falls victim if someone's in the gutter Oh kicked up just to get their cash take it hair [Music] I'm on it like shardana pretzel yes [Music] boy oh boy what can't he do oh I almost forgot I'll have to give this eviction notice to Lewis and his mail it's shot crazy Sesame Street is brought to you by registered letter hey I was looking at you frankly my dear I don't in a Bobby and it is the day before the Oscars and Bobby and I are gonna go see all five of the movies they're nominated for Best Picture I have not seen any of you seen any the movies the only movie I saw is a movie called Mario polish in cou about two Japanese boy who shoot gold coins out other fingers okay so well we're gonna see all in one fell swoop but we can't take my car cuz it's out of gas I don't know where - okay excuse me sir hey man what's up bro hey this car is this oh there's beautiful Toyota Yaris right here ever this is a Pacino's al pacino what's he doing on this lot oh he's doing a guest set on that So Raven that makes sense we were told to take mr. Pacino's car and get it washed and oh you're kidding me oh that's gonna save me a lot of time get a sandwich or school and I love that so raven man see a movie at the cinema dome no there's too many white people the dome they're Grauman's Chinese baby too many Asian people [Music] all right it's couple day I'm sorry you guys are gonna have to put your yards in a lot a lot some chicken McNuggets oh it's ourselves that's never ever happened before I know buddy this is great Bobby what are you doing I'll tell you [Music] this movie is so boring I thought was about Chicago gangster no that's Caponi this is a couple morning Bobby afternoon would you cannot smoke here that's funny as in there smoking on screen yeah the rule is have one person smokes you can't smoke make us live chopstick I will make shop stick what was less slide don't do this what is that what do you I can't tonight George Clooney as cute in his lavage you're racist you're racist no man you're [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] I'm gonna break your face you gotta break my bag my bag a little fable about a man who didn't know when this is a public place you have to show some respect for the other patrons I respect your time sweat I'm a sweater you buddy get you city [Music] [Applause] my story like mine has never been told [Music] another movie about a poor but beautiful girl turned into a hooker by looking for the most beautiful girl in all of Japan you you are the most beautiful [Music] a true geisha and stop a man with one lakh [Music] sorry must try again so strike two you already the object is to be every man's fantasy you must learn music putting on your beautiful geisha [Music] and the art of conversation I can put cyst in my mouth the us they all knives 4050 firm I can shut ping-pong balls sword [Music] I feel like Cinderella you are a Cinderella now spread them - version of the same old crap [Music] hello everybody welcome to blind date watch every night we set up to total strangers send them out for a night on the town and then examine what went right and what went wrong let's meet our first couple Marnie is a 19-8 thinks the world would be a better place if we all got along people get so wrapped up in money and gadgets but hugs are free smile is like a rainbow you had a little trouble with our predate interview meet Gary I've been married 34 years up in a perfect man I've made my share of mistakes that respect for my family and a specific request from the levy family I think it's best I don't go into any details what your favorite color is we'll find out if Marny and Gary are a match made in heaven in a date we call vanished without a trace it's nice to meet you you too you know I usually like to start these dates by comparing driver's license photos oh okay what a pretty picture oh you lost my ID no one would ever know who I was or that I was ever with you huh imagine that [Applause] this is a nice car it's got a big trunk too so Gary where are we going well I thought we could start by checking out that new Italian restaurant on 4th then maybe go back to my apartment then maybe meet up with my ex-con brother and drive down to Petersburg Virginia and check out that new parking garage is under construction [Music] I don't really want to go to a parking garage so you work for the government that must be very exciting here's a tip don't ask me somebody question oh don't order that that they tie those poor helpless creatures to a tiny cage so that they can't escape until finally they are anally electrocuted looks like little Gary just got his wake-up call found another one no no Barney this is my aunt oh shut up I'm his wife I'm leaving wait I'll Drive you wow that was some date in our post date interview gary told our producers he doesn't expect to see Marny again I'm gonna miss Marny and so will my aunt but once again I've been married 34 years I have not been a perfect man I've made my share of mistakes but at respect for my family and a specific request from the levy family unfortunately Marnie wasn't available for a post-dated to conduct office called to confirm that he doesn't know anyone named Marnie please join us tomorrow night on blind date when we'll set up the real-life beretta in a date we call when I pretended to go back into the Italian restaurant I actually shot my wife gangland style [Music] have a seat please all right first I'd like to welcome you to speed dates where you just might find true love in two minutes okay remember it's just like musical chairs okay when I ring the bell you'll start your day you'll have two minutes for the first date okay when the time is up I'll ring the bell again okay the gentlemen will get up and move clockwise to the next table okay and people if you find someone you like get their number okay [Music] [Applause] okay any questions I do what if everyone likes everyone trust me that's not gonna happen okay Ready Set date hi I'm Gil and you are a very pretty lady oh thanks you know the last time somebody told me I was pretty they were reading a Braille menu at a McDonald's well anyway I'm a mechanical engineer and I live by the lake I love country music and water skiing and I am divorced but we're still good friends whoo my name is Trina and I'm currently on disability due to an inflamed fast on my pelvis I live in a single about the popeyes chicken dried flower EES popcorn flavored jelly bellys and Cathy cartoons [Music] and I was recently dumped by a man with MS shape and genitalia [Music] sir what its genitalia was pointed in the wrong direction hello I'm Larry and I'm just gonna lay down the line for a gal is not ashamed to stay at home and pop out babies sorry but my ovaries are there on permanent vacation I guess we can go ahead and cancel that newspaper subscription because there's no reason for delivery here nobody here either are you doing I'm uh I'm shocked ah I said I uh I like a woman who uh you know knows how to cook a good meal can you cook Trina ah do I shine you know make her real mean pot roast that is until the grease fire back in 97 you see Shawn I was basting it and the fire burned my entire scalp you know it's just lucky for me that I got a skin graft from a cadaver [Music] the poor woman she was mmm she was hit by a UPS truck that was delivering her Christmas presents but that's okay cuz you know what she's with me now you know what when I part my hair you can see her nipple [Music] or missus Mitnick is cold she's still very sensitive to [Applause] the Bell yeah I did hello Trina what are you doing here Jim I followed your scent you're the only woman I know who wears Aqua Velva the only straight woman [Music] thanks for not calling after you slept with me and that's for leaving without saying goodbye [Applause] that's for getting your facts mixed up lady I didn't leave you at least not intentionally you see I was so embarrassed about having a backwards pointing penis that I I went in for corrective surgery and I had to go all the way to Thailand that's very far it's only a 10-minute operation but there's a is a five-month recovery period that I've fixed sort of they had to insert something to make you go the right way so they put in something kind of like it's kind of like a pipe cleaner but without the fuzz oshi out you know if I has a lousy bad news is I can't go near microwaves or magnets but the good news is that I can pick locks [Music] and they can bend it into all sorts of shapes and sizes you might say that I have a heart oh there's one more thing Trina will you marry me [Applause] I'll take that as a yes [Applause] [Music] Alex bursting and we're from the rock star [Music] Alex bursting and Wilson from the rock star veneer how is it that you um and I pretty much look the same age and yet I grew up listening to your music because rock and roll is eternal baby anything nothing nothing yet nothing at all I don't feel anything where'd you get this stuff I said guy that guy right there if you were to rap like wherever you go wherever you are just be yourself be a rock star yo yo yo si well you said she wasn't talented never said that MADtv rocks [Music] we got our own Rockstar t-shirts ours are bootleg the stomach on my tickets who's got tickets nothing Britney or Christina Christina things better Britney looks Christine looks good - that's hard Britney's dirty hold on I'm about to do a bit here I'm out here I'm thinking that makes you a Fred Durst is making this damn affair yeah you got boys Barbie is selling something or something else brothers for life all right man you take it easy found me on the show come on you're on the show right now clown you all right yo yo yo one love dog like yo I need some money dirty to me I think we could I can write a song at least about it [Applause] brain Oh feeling it anything now I'm not feeling anything you look a little Pekin Jennifer Aniston to MADtv do you think you're prettier than me that's ours you were Brad Pitt well you know it depends on if when you see us in the morning or mid-afternoon he panda wins later in the day I could win I would have to say this evening you take the cake you are so Rudy's right here behind her [Music] madtv rocks thank you thanks a lot [Applause] [Music] I can't believe Jennifer hasn't looked stood next to me and looked so much fatter than me yeah I am of me Al me not you kind of funny you know I would have never watched the show but an ex-girlfriend of mine kept me in one night and I actually became a big fan there's a little awkward but could you take your hand off of my ass I don't have one but let's see I've been doing this all night MTV video are you and will you will you um give a shout-out to my peeps no if I had 200 Britney I know cuz she's a little filthy she's a dirty dog dramatic I am I was gonna cry but I'm gonna save it for a bigger Network are you feeling it well are you feeling anything now Oh [Music] baby stuff I'm trippin out help I feel a burn orgy it's been a wonderful night here it's Alex Borstein two wheels hassle signing off from rock star [Applause] [Music] your family ready for action playing against the family let's play [Music] here's the tomorrow family feud [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] dear Lord if you have any mercy in your heart please just kill me like no do it big dad alright I guess he's busy wait a few days [Music] how you doing Robert Maya good luck to you Darren cragger thanks a lot all right it's the makers versus the crackers what I should Louie listen it's uh it's my Gert not bigger bro hey cut me a break bro I haven't seen my penis in the years I a few top lashes on the border you guys do the thing everyone seen her as a stupid crap here we go name an african-american magazine jet yeah they got great chicken recipes show me hey here's a chance for the crackers to steal from the makers for a change well I'm not going to offend anyone here but I think there's a magazine called chocolate you dare mark fuhrman you know what I'm not even gonna look at the board you get back to the podium take the ball boys you take Sarah trying to play a friendly game and give them [ __ ] deploy Jared all there we go hey Robert Miller what do you think of that director calling you like chocolate bunny over there no no no I didn't call him a chocolate bunny you just call me a chocolate bunny one more time I'm gonna take these 400 out of Gators and stick them up your lily-white Casper ass you know can we play the game excuse me for a second family hey Sharon how are you doing how'd you become a mega I married one [Music] my husband look sweetheart I love you but you ain't above getting your face slammed here I like taste I'll play on player okay we got oh yes oh this is my Uncle Tom too easy boo queen shabbu queen [ __ ] i love the way that rolls off my tongue okay typically top four answers on the board name something terrible the white people have done the black people something terrible oh that's easy i'm slavery slavery let's face it some of us miss it show me there we go okay don't worry happens all the time don't worry about all right dirty talking what you got for me it's Gertie not dirty I am a fat depressed effeminate something horrible the way people have done the black people I don't know that's one sweet piece of ass show me [Applause] we're just getting but going ahead a leg of lamb and a diet coke I'd be having right now all right a microwave backstage let's get there at this crappy show we've all seen it fast-forward which one of you makers wants to play the lightning round Louise one more thing after the show i'ma bust yo ass get a ninth fare upon give me 30 seconds on the clock here we go name a racer drinks more Ninian's the Irish good answer okay who's dumber a rock or darn cracker Oh Darren cracker who would you rather do dirty cracker or Patrick Ewing Patrick Ewing but they're both ugly seaman family Medina [Applause] [Music] all right the concession stand is open just in time for the world premiere of our wedding video no time they got it to us I can't wait to see this I know me too it's just it's like any proof that it actually happened you know I just sit over by so fast it was like a dream no I know everybody tells you it's such a beautiful wedding but when you're right in the middle of it you can't tell [Music] well this is it you're seeing Doug's last moments as a bachelor you ready I'm so ready I've never been more sure about anything in my life I can't wait to see Liz it's just gonna be beautiful I know [Music] you look beautiful you're just nervous yeah yeah bad I can't [Music] it's just everybody gets him [Music] [Music] my bags were shoes seem a little nervous there oh honey no I just had the wedding jitters everybody gets those you're starting back up if you love him so much then how come you don't marry him Liss I had no idea that kind of stuff was going on before wedding you beat the crap out of my mom I saw you earlier you were shaking like a leaf no no actually I was not because we were getting married we're supposed to be nervous it's okay I was a little bit nervous - let's just say this forward past all this pre-wedding stuff and get to the good part [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Music] you know what Liz if you didn't want to marry me you should have just said so that looks bad but you have to understand something Doug I don't photograph very well very well either are you talking about you tried to kill me please listen listen I love you I was scared I was just you tried to kill yourself just for a minute and I was thinking about something else all right honey I that was just one really nerve-racking day one day but I plan to spend the rest of my life with you and I love you and these past few weeks of being your wife have been the best days of my life I really do believe me I do please now kiss the bride [Applause]

Channel: Classic MADtv

Views: 275,913

Keywords: Madtv, Mad TV, Classic Madtv

Id: rxqCXQkGIdQ

Length: 47min 2sec (2822 seconds)

Published: Tue May 19 2020