well that was a wonderful time thank you again I'm Emerson egg rich and so honored to be here pastor Greg had dinner with him and with the first lady Kelly it was a wonderful wonderful time meeting them and what a joy for me to be here again Sarah since her regrets we have been married since 1973 she's in Paris France with my daughter and her husband and our new granddaughter Millie that we affectionately referred to as the mill ster but thank you for the invitation to be here have you ever received a gift that you really wanted but you didn't know if you were gonna get it was a gift of great value to you and you were hoping you'd receive it but you were uncertain if in fact you would I mean think back you're ten years of age it's Christmas you've been asking for a bicycle and you didn't know if you're gonna get it or not but then you're in the second floor bedroom and Christmas morning and you wake up at 5:00 can't get up for school but we can get up you know we it's Christmas remember that jump out of bed run across the bedroom floor run down the hall down the steps into the living room of the Christmas tree is and there's the bike and go home remember when you see receive a gift of great value to you it's kind of like that moment at breathless moment maybe you think back when he proposed to you and he feigned you know this whole thing a little bit and how comes this box and opened up and there's this diamond sparkling when we first launched love and respect the chaplain of Yankees BJ Weber is a good buddy of mine from way back when when we were in seminary together and and so we were doing men's night out in New York that's going in and out of Manhattan and and I was with a group of men and I said hey did any of you receive a gift of great value to you recently that you know that you didn't expect and one guy in the back says yeah just this week I received an unexpected bonus check it check for $100,000 I said yeah that that gets it the idea I said as a pastor if the Deacons met to give me a gift of $100,000 kind of like Sanford and Son it'd be the big one you know actually it's kind of a great way to get rid of a pastor but I want you to hang on to that gift illustration I just gave I'm going to circle back around to it but my next point isn't going to have anything to do with it just hang on to the gift idea of great value have you ever had a conflict with your spouse when suddenly the issue didn't seem to be the issue and you see their spirit deflate and you go what what what did I say what what not Oh what my question is what is the issue when the issue isn't the issue because certainly whatever it is we're talking about as we say is real but it's not at that moment seemingly the route this seems like something else is bothering them I mean who could have been talking about money management and you know but at a certain point it seems like something deeper is going on and I'm gonna propose to you that it is in fact I'm gonna share with you I believe I know what the issue is when the issue isn't the issue in fact it's just one thing now of course that's a very simplistic statement so I'm not asking you to buy into it because obviously only a simpleton would make that kind of a propositional statement so push back if you want see if I can persuade you so I'm not asking you to buy into it but that's gonna be my motif I believe there's one thing going on in the spirit of your spouse but I need to qualify it right up front one thing in him and one thing in her and they're not the same and this is why we have a tendency to dismiss them as childish because the reason they deflate we tend not to deflate over that reason it just doesn't bother us therefore it shouldn't bother them but not only they deflating over it and upset with us as though somehow we're the cause of it they're actually offended by it and holding us responsible for this and it's in disbelief I mean we can't believe it we see childish they shouldn't be reacting this way but they hold us responsible for what we perceive to be their childish reaction we want to say grow up now apparently not too many of you have ever had that experience here but Sarah and I since 1973 have had these heated the fellowship moments quite often and it happens to all of us goodwill people not evil willed people good-hearted people because the the deal is the things that bothers Sarah it's just don't sometimes bother me sometimes we have cross over we're human beings and so there gonna be some real similarities but that's not where we get into difficulty because we tend to empathize with each other at that moment where it becomes interesting is when she deflates over things that I say all know now what did I say and she sees me deflate oh that profile and narcissism is fitting you pretty accurately at this point this is where it becomes interesting so the the question is what is that one thing in him and one thing in her well we'll come back to that in just a second but on the illustrative when Sarah now were first married back in 1973-74 we were in Chicago Illinois going to school and my parents lived in pure Illinois which is three and a half hour south we decided to visit it was during the summertime we go down there and at that time I wore contact lens and that night when I was gonna go to bed I realized I hadn't brought my contact lens case and so oh brother good grief so I improvised that when the kitchen got to juice glasses came in the bathroom filled them with water and took the one contact out put in glass put the other one in the other glass and set him on the back of the toilet went to bed and then got up in the morning and you know poured out that one and put it in poured out the other and there's no contact it is gone I can't just nowhere I look everywhere I finally go out Sara's talking to my mom and dad and I said Sara did you did you use one of the juice glasses in the bathroom last night no yes now I remember I got up in the middle of night and took a pill she drank my contact and then my dad suggested how we could retrieve it well I couldn't do it I said I can't believe you drank my contact we started this heated fellowship starting to get triggered here I can't believe you drank up like juice Tyson well I can't believe that you'd you'd you'd put your contact in a juice glass on the back of a toilet as well I can't believe you'd drink out of a juice glass on the back of a toilet and at a certain point in this exchange Sara's spirit deflated I'm a newlywed and I could tell that the issue was no longer about the contact lenses as important as that was it was a real issue it was no longer the root issue we had two issues I knew enough at that point that something else was now really deeply troubling her far beyond the contact lens that she swallowed what is that issue when the issue isn't the issue she was processing it in a certain way on the basis of one word a fast-forward Christmas time and we again come from Chicago down to pure Illinois as Sarah was raised on the farm in Indiana her dad farmed 3,000 acres of corn huge operation she was part of that whole 4-h movement that whole farm culture she can do it all she was actually Miss Congeniality of Boone County and so she's just you know Kay well she made me a jean jacket for Christmas I didn't know what she'd done underfoot and so that moment came Christmas presents everything had been open other than that best present that you keep for last and she hands me the present and I opened it up jean jacket thank you and I put it on and she says you don't like it no I do like it she said you don't like it no I do I do like it you don't like it Sarah I like the jean jacket why are you saying I don't like it because in our family when we like something we go thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you in our family we say thank you we both remember my spirit deflated that point for the next couple hours I was moody bipolar of course mood swings or could it be if there was something else going on in my spirit as a male this Tara's not tracking with just not tracking where I mean what is the issue in Sara when we're addressing that issue of the contact lens she swallowed what was it going on inside of me when Sara said I wasn't thankful for you know the jean jacket or you know let's just take your relationship suppose your wife comes to you it's January 15th I can't believe it I put on 15 pounds from all the things giving meals all the Christmas parties the New Year celebrations I feel fat I feel ugly have nothing to wear he listens he goes to the Christian bookstore the next day and the lead book is dieting for today's Christian woman it's written by a woman what's your problem I mean he buys this book he brings it home he hands it to her and for a brief moment he thinks he's at Cape Canaveral she goes ballistic and on the way up she screams to her pink megaphone you men have two brains - brains once lost - the others out looking for it she calls him a brainless idiot why because at a certain point it wasn't about the diet book she's deflating because something else she hears a message in the diet book that she thinks he's sending to her and it's not about weight loss and what's intriguing here is if let's suppose he's got a 40 pound spread on the front 40 pounds spread on the back he's been eating you know like a football player for the last 20 years and he's been off the grid iron he's a big boy it's what she brings home a diet book for him what's his response hey thanks what's for dinner or her best girlfriend comes over with that diet book here I got you this diet book Oh oh you're so sweet hey should we do this again together I mean let's why did she go ballistic because she hears a message she thinks her husband's sending to her that she doesn't think her BFF is sending to her and I will say that body image issues are hugely different I mean they'll have a a woman who's a perfect model perfect 10 when she looks at herself in a four-link mirror she sees all of her flaws moves into self deprecation this is a proven entity the research on self-image issues body image issues this 40-pound spread front back guy he sees himself in a floor-length mirror what's he see atlas he can bring Atlas out anytime he wants he just doesn't want to right now okay he knows there's a six-pack in there it's true now are there men who primp and do that kind of stuff and are the women indifferent to appearance yes think bell curve my academic background there's exceptions to everything and some people will as I've said before they they work hard at being the exception they don't like generalizations because they've been conditioned through academia and so but the point is if something is statistically significant then it becomes a pattern that's somewhat predictable to help us understand the human heart rather than pigeonhole in a stereotype of people but you have to decide how you're gonna do a statistically significant findings some people don't care about statistically significant findings one exception invalidates the rule to them that's the way they live so I'm not here for that person I'm here for the rest of us who want mutual understanding in our relationships why does your wife's deflate when you buy our diet book because she hears a message that you don't hear when she gives you a diet book and she hears a message that you're not intending to send you could be a health nut you're just into good health if you used you just shouldn't you're oblivious to this fast-forward six weeks she's now in that that Christian bookstore and the lead book is the key to marital bliss communication so she purchases this marriage book this is the third marriage book she's purchased for the two of you to read in the last 12 months and she comes home and she devours it from cover to cover so Wow he needs to read this but he's been he's got that second job he doesn't have time to read it from cover to cover so I'm gonna highlight in yellow some of the key sections for him to read and then she sets it on this stand next to his recliner when he's watching the SportsCenter and so he comes in no oh another marriage book offs oh I bet the first two marriage bucks we read together got a huge fight if I say anything about this marriage I get in trouble but I have this feeling that if I don't say anything I'm gonna get in less trouble my name say anything just I'm gonna ignore it just gonna ignore it I just no good grief I don't know why the publishers just don't publish these in yellow so what's going on he hears a message he hears the message it's not just about the marriage book it's deeper than that there's a message that he hears and what's interesting if he came home with a third marriage book and gave it to you that's bragging rights among your girlfriends he bought a marriage book third one I did not tell him - I didn't even hint why we're connecting soul mates see this this is your your this is a reason for envy this is fascinating stuff if you stop and think what's going on with this are there exceptions to it yes but usually the man who buys that third marriage book is because they were in crisis and she said I'm not I'm not all in on this relationship anymore and so that we have to be honest about what we're talking about here to Goodwill people who you know basically are devoted to each other but there is this tension suddenly the spirit of that person deflates it's like you're standing on their air hose and they can't breathe so what is the issue going on and Sarah what was the issue going on in me what was the issue going on with a dive book what was the issue going on with a third marriage book the University of Washington studied 2,000 couples for 20 years and they said we now know the two key ingredients for successful marriages in fact the book was written why marriages succeed or fail this was an in-depth evaluation they had linguist they had video taping they had clinical psychologists social workers I mean they had the works watching these couples in these little love laboratories they stay there and after a while people let down their hair even though they're being watched they had monitored four beats per minute of Hearts you know I mean it is it they were you know talk about you know in depth they wanted of know physiologically what the reactions were what's going on with the word choice what what's what are the patterns here you studied 2,000 couples for 20 years and that's why they said we now know why marriages succeed or fail and they said it's love and respect love and respect when those marriages that succeeded were observed their conversations were carried along with the tone of love and respect for to each other and when that tone of love and respect wasn't there when there was the sense of hostility or contempt that was the killer and what happens is people think if we didn't have the money problems the sex problems the in-law problems all these different issues we'd have a great marriage no it's the attitude that you bring to your spouse's spirit when you're addressing those stressors if you come across in such a way that feels hostile and contemptuous to the spirit of your spouse while you're addressing those issues you think they're not teachable when they're shutting down because there's something else that they're extremely vulnerable to just as you are it's not what is being said very rarely in among goodwill people is the what the problem it's the how we deliver the what that is the problem and we don't see it because we assume they know why we're bringing this up or they should or they should give us a lot of slack the reason I am the way I am is because of this issue the reason they are the way they are it's because they got a rotten disposition bias researchers pointed that out we favor ourselves again and again and again but what was fascinating is that there is a gender specificity to this women tended to lean toward the love side and men lean toward the respect side now it's very important that you hear me we all need love and respect equally it is a true need that we all need equally I want you to answer this yes or no we all need love and respect equally yes now but the felt need differs in fact as I pointed out today we've asked 7,000 people this question when you're in a conflict with your spouse do you feel unloved at that moment or disrespected 83% of the men say they feel disrespected very few men ever feel unloved isn't that fascinating now you could say that men are narcissistic because of that because that's how the pink culture interprets that women are telling us what men feel but I'm going to tell you what most men feel and it's not because of their ego it's because there is short of your love but they don't think you like who they are and they don't have a problem with you they think you have a problem with them they know you're a good loving nurturing caring individual so in conflict when you're coming at him he feels this is about you somehow pointing out to him that he's inadequate and you don't respect who he is as a human being that's how he's filtering it he's not egotistical he's fearful but men don't break down a crime they get angry they go quiet and that is interpreted as arrogant and controlling rather than as a vulnerability and so what we do is we don't correctly interpret what's going on and we need to reframe the deeper spirit of the person and will help us as we proceed tonight hopefully in being able to do that but the women lean toward the love side 72% of the women feel unloved and and so this is a huge huge difference in terms of how we filter it now on the outsides or men who feel unloved they're women who feel disrespected and what I always say is the best way to love a respect the woman has continued to meet her deepest need to be loved for who she is and as we've said no movie ends with a hero and bracing the damsel saying I want to respect you the rest of my life and that there's no card in the card industry from a husband on the 10th anniversary saying baby I really respect you so though women need rspec tea when it comes to intimacy and the relationship with this man though they want respect and will say they need respect at the end of the day it's love because if he keeps showing her disrespect she'll say how can you say you love me and treat me disrespectfully whereas most men are assured of a woman's love and so in the conflict you know he will say you're disrespecting me if you show him disrespect week after week nobody disrespects me like you everybody respects me but you but he never lands on the idea that you don't love me how can you say you love me and treat me that he did there's Menken and I know clearly you love me but you don't respect me and people who think that these are synonymous they're not you respect your boss you don't love your boss you love deeply your rebellious 16-year old boy but you're not feeling respect for him right now these are not synonymous and so the important thing is to understand that there is a difference which has to be understood in order for us to rightly interpret why is my spouse deflating right now well your spouse is deflating in most cases like your your wife she's feeling unloved at this moment we'll explain now give you that right up front that's what she's deflating but we're not trying to be unloving and we should we feel that she shouldn't feel unloved and he deflates because he's feeling disrespected but you're not trying to be disrespectful you may be reacting that way but it's because you want him to awaken to your deeper cry of your heart that you're feeling insecure and unloved at this moment and he should get it and also know that you really don't mean it because you don't so what happens though is he's filtering it's still through that grid because nobody talks to him this way so it's very difficult as a man I would die for you you know I I'm trying to give everything I and somehow it seems to me you're using this topic as another opportunity to send me a message that you can't stand Who I am that you have disdain in your heart for Who I am as a person particularly because women do create lists the negative list it moves from that positive looking up that glow to six things about him that you really don't like and I get thousands of emails and women always say these six things and she's trying to help me understand women are not mean-spirited they're really trying to work on the relationship she'll state the four to six things and said but I'm not perfect I have my issues I'm trying to and then she goes back but I don't so I'll say hey make a list of 15 things about him that are positive and send that to me and she'll write back that I've had to so many times now it's just I can be assured this is the way thank you for having me do that I fell in love with my husband all over again very fascinating to me just saw that again and again and again and again didn't mean that the six things that she didn't like changed but sometimes we lose perspective and your husband's picking up on that he feels it's unfair I know I got issues but I mean do we have to go global what how oh boy I am but see you're not trying to do that so he doesn't understand you you don't understand him and so you got to goodwill people who care deeply for each other but get to this point where they're setting in different parts of the home totally confused but the University of Washington did interesting observations so first of all they noticed that these two thousand couples for 20 years that 85% of those during a marital conflict who eventually withdrew and Stonewall that's the way they title it withdraw and Stonewall withdrawal and Stonewall was the man eighty-five percent that's what we call statistically significant that's not chance not result of randomness if you could put your money in an account that was 85 percent assured of making money you're gonna do it and so the point is that is very significant now the question is how do you interpret that well why were these men withdrawing well because the rules go to circle because their own loving and that was the descriptor it was such a common response on the part of the female that they used the descriptor what do you as a wife feel when your husband withdraws and Stonewall's it feels like an act of hostility and so they actually created a descriptor act of hostility it's an act of hostility she could not imagine shutting down and withdrawing over what she perceived to be a minor criticism at best oh come on cuz the guy would deflate and withdraw and she passed judgment on he's hot styling Whitney with the way she then oddly he hates me cuz she could not imagine doing that to people who love each other don't do that so for him to do that he doesn't love me not at this point in time and I need to point that out to him it feels hateful you're not loving me and then you say it in a way that's disrespectful now you got an interesting dynamic going on here because he's not hearing the deeper cry of your heart he's taking up a fence over the delivery and then you talk about two people who think we made a mistake no we're actually kind of normal but the men why were these men withdrawing well members I said today they they were measuring the bpms that beats per minute of the heart and during this conflicted moments the men's heart beats got 299 beats per minute that's warrior mode so when a man is in that kind of state he has to calm down and he knows if he continues to have this face-to-face heated fellowship it's gonna escalate and he doesn't want to escalate because men know logically they can lose that so they have to withdraw because that's honorable among us as men the honor code dominates so when we're in heated moments with our best buddy we drop it forget it and we exit because the relationship exceeds this issue on the table you are more important to me than this topic and when we have that moment my best friend doesn't go Emerson you come back and talk to me he's not in my face because he's not insecure about this but when a woman is insecure and that disconnect happens it's threatening at the core of her being it's just like she is frightened she's three conversations away from her perception this thing of him walking out on her and so she's continually needing reassurance that they're connected everything's okay between him so she gets very aggressive in the home to connect so it raises the question when a man stone walls and withdraws is it an act of hostility or is it an act of Honor the answer is yes it just depends on with your videotape and blue or videotape and pink which is the word picture I use because it captures this point very well as we point out pink and blue together purple the color of royalty the colour of God Jesus said have you not read Hugh made them from beginning me that male and female I see her as pink and blue so to speak together they are purple they reflect the image of God guys in that pink not got blue in essence he's purple and we together reflect his image and so if you videotape this in blue it's an act of Honor if you videotape that episode and paint it's an act of hostility and what happens in relationship if I know I'm right then my spouse has to be rather than having this mature perspective neither one of us are wrong we're just different that this is not a moral issue that we're talking about these are what I call the pink and blue differences in the gray areas of life that must not be escalated to black and white matters it's just common issue there's not moral issues here if there are then I'm not honest my frame he's betraying you he's beating the kid we're not talking about that talk about these day in and day out tensions between people of goodwill and so here you have this moment where I know I'm right and therefore my spouse has to be wrong no my I didn't better their idea is less better the way in which they're dealing with this is less better in my opinion but that doesn't make it bad how can you say a man is hateful when he's trying to do the honorable thing this is why he doesn't apologize to you why should he say sorry for doing the honorable thing on the heels of what he perceives to be disrespect from you over something that he didn't feel was unloving and then we labeled him egotistical and arrogant cuz he never says he's sorry you don't say you're sorry in the man's world for doing the honorable thing when you want to just really go after your best buddy why would you apologize for that but the culture of intimacy is pink in this culture so it dominates and the females are telling us why men do what they do they're defining who men are and a lot of that can be very accurate but we got to be very guarded if you don't have men in there also saying let me tell you what's really going on just as what would you think if all of us men were telling you women what you feel and why you feel it and we've got to be gracious and merciful here but the point is neither one of you wrong now it's important that you not use this you go so here's the deal it's and I don't justify you gentlemen now just walking or doing the honorable thing I'm not gonna talk to you no no it's not the application here I need 15 minutes to calm down my heartbeats are 99 beats and I need to get him down around around 65 and then in 15 minutes I'll come back don't chase me and then you as a man of integrity a man of honor come back for 15 minutes and talk about her 15 minutes but you don't not 15 hours lady keep it on one point he's gonna stay in place you stay on one point and in my book I talk about rules of engagement so get the book love and respect because I don't have time to get into that but here's the point you don't use this information to club your spouse you don't say you're not an honorable man it is hostile women rule women are right no I'm telling you if your sweet daughter law does that toward your precious baby boy hmm he's a good kid but he's gonna shut down because physiologically is a male this was gonna happen she's gonna say he's hateful maybe he's honorable now it doesn't justify staying away the point is as an honorable man you come back but if we both label the other you're wrong for feeling well you're right here you're gonna just be you're not gonna get anywhere with this information what you both have to say now that one of us are wrong we're just different and I'm trying to do the honorable thing but I can I can understand why that feel hateful to you I don't hate you I kind of think you don't like me I'm trying to just you know I was we need to somehow figure this out well I'm not trying to dishonor you in this I'm feeling insecure and I need reassurance that you love me because I need your strength that it's actually a compliment not a complaint I hope you understand that it's not easy that's the way you would have done it when you're first meeting courtship you know how to do these things you have the skill and knowledge but we get to a point where we get annoyed with each other it keeps happening weirdest all come on oh oh here we go again oh we didn't do that in courtship because we didn't think this would continue to have is that we were it but the researchers also studied the women on the other side of the equation and the other side of the equation is that they were criticizing complaining criticizing complain and criticize and complain and criticize and complain and criticize Elena knew wasn't politically correct but that's the linguist that's what it is criticism complaint criticism so the men were asked what do you feel when she criticized the plane it feels like an act of contempt feels like she's using this topic send me a message you can't stand Who I am as a person but we know from all the research I have my doctorate and Family Studies all the scales on nurturing caregiving women are off the charts you talk about the virtue of love and care I know why she's moving toward him because she cares she criticizes because she cares she criticizes it's not because she's trying to control but because she cares so raises the question is it an act of contempt or an act of care yes it just depends on with your videotape and pink or blue well I saw a pink and blue verse in Ephesians 5:33 that's very important because I I find it fascinating that not only did the researchers find that love and respect are the two key ingredients but it's gender specific she leans toward the love side he leans toward the respect side Ephesians 5:33 2,000 years ago the Lord said the same thing each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself and the wife must respect her husband hmm now today I talked a little bit about respect and the push back on that our time is elapsing right now so I don't have time to unpack what I said this morning because it'd be redundant this is a second message some of it's contingent on what I said this morning so those of you here for the first time tonight I apologize but there's real pushback on the respect side I don't feeling respect for him he's not superior to me I'm not inferior to him you know I'm not gonna give him license to do what he wants to do I think this is a return to male patriarchy there's a mantra that I go through that explains how women react is what I call the land mines and I've stood on every one of them it explodes in your face because men serve and die for honor but when women here respect toward a man gag me but the point is your husband is extremely vulnerable to what he perceives to be your contempt or disdain or disgust or disrespect toward his spirit we're not talking about respecting bad behavior in our world as men who have the honor code we never honor or respect bad behavior we honor the man who has acted dishonorably we always like Jesus your spirits willing but your flesh is weak we never show contempt toward the spirit if you show contempt toward the spirit you got an enemy we're very guarded we believe in the man well I'm sad believing you more and you believe in yourself Harry I think I've always admired you mourn you and by yourself you got a real problem with your self-image right now that behavior there is out is unbecoming of Who I see you to be dog gone it I mean he's gonna be drinking that in he's not gonna like it but you talk about honoring a man while you're slapping his rear in I mean it's it's just the way we approach great male leaders do this they never show contempt toward the spirit of the man any more than you can show hate toward the spirit of your wife you cannot come across in this harsh hey angry way though she's not teachable about money well you know you're killing her with your spirit toward her spirit and what happens it gives birth to what I call the crazy cycle without love this is the problem she reacts though without respect because she's threatened she trying to be disrespectful and without respect he ends up reacting in a way that feels unloving to her and this gets crazy without love she reacts without respect without respect he reacts without love and in the book love and respect I unpack the crazy cycle and how we get off the crazy cycle but I shared with the group that there's something that Sarah and I we get on the crazy cycle every week a couple times every month it's not a big thing but we know how to jump off but how do we jump off and I want to conclude with this as you get into this Ephesians passages was first written on parchment we put chapter and verse later so the Christian community could quickly reference but Paul's writing on parchment and there's this theme chapters 1 2 3 is doctrine that we've now made chapters 4 5 & 6 is application and he swings from doctrine to application on the husband wife relationship father-child relationship master slave and then he does the same thing in Colossians 1 and 2 doctrine 3 and for his application he swings from father excuse me husband wife a father child and master slave and you'll see another pistol sometimes they'll throw in a fourth Authority and citizen why those four areas that's where the large watching has nothing to do with talent has nothing to do with symmetry has nothing to a celebrity has nothing to a spiritual giftedness is everything to do with trust in Christ love for Christ trust and obedience toward Christ and Paul goes on in that Ephesians 6 saying he keeps using this refrain as to the Lord as to the Lord as to the Lord you husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church you wives who Poteau so toward your husband as to the Lord he's not the Lord your doing as the Lord why because jesus said as you've done it to the least of these you've done it to me and he hits this theme again and again in both Colossians as well as in Ephesians asked to the Lord he goes from the vertical or the horizontal to the vertical he just goes into the heavenlies and then he says that the in that intersection whatever good thing each one does this he'll receive back from the Lord in turn entrances will be rewarded now those of us in Christ in Christ in us salvation is a free gift Jesus Christ paid the penalty I wasn't raised in a Christian home and once I realized that he's the substitutionary atonement for all my sin this is a gift that he gives to you can't buy the gift you can't earn the gift salvation and heaven is a free gift but it's like the Lord is saying there's an add-on once you're in heaven is a free gift that I paid for but you could be there I want to respond to people who trusted and obeyed me I want to respond to the people who loved and reverence me I want to be able to say had a boy had a girl why do Sara and I try to get off the crazy cycle because at the end of the day the Lord says Emerson I want you to love Sara because I'm standing beyond her shoulder you love me Emerson Emerson Emerson I see her she's got your book up and you're her face your face again I see it I see oh no I oh wow I heard what she said Emerson don't walk away Emerson no she's not she's insecure right now Emerson under me attaboy yes Oh wonderful you said you're sorry it's been a long time wonderful oh you even asked her to forgive you Wow unto Christ Sara Sara unto me no I see Emerson ignoring you no I know he's using the excuse that he's tired no I see beautiful move hand over your mouse there a beautiful move Oh to a tool for two hands Oh but what I want you to envision is you've got to see Jesus Christ beyond the shoulder of your thought Sam Moser who is up in Nickelodeon's said to me my marriage is about Christ in me I never even thought about that before I never connected my marriage to Christ is anybody reading Ephesians and Colossians it's all about that your spouse affords you the opportunity to hear well done from Jesus Christ in fact you can do marriage God's Way even for your spouse bails on you you can be a loving man in the face of a woman who's disrespectful and not lovable and you are touching the heart of Christ the question is do you believe this I don't think we have a crisis of marriage in the church I think we have a crisis of faith I don't think we really believe it's going down the way I'm saying my question to you is can you put on love toward Christ who stands beyond the shoulder of your spouse ultimately I'm called upon to love Jesus Christ and Sarah walks in between Jesus and me and my love for Christ should spill over onto Sarah's love for her so if I'm not loving Sarah it means I'm not loving Christ Christ call Sarah to reverence him and periodically I walk in between Jesus and Sarah and her reverence for Christ should spill over unto me his respect for me and so if she's not respecting me is she reverence in Christ if I'm not loving Sarah my loving Christ from a biblical standpoint the answer to that is no and there's coming a moment when I stand before the Lord I died and I sent Emerson did you love Sara Lord you do you realize the family of origin do you realize the issue Emerson yes sir did you do this out of trust and obedience toward me did you do this out of love and reverence for me this is my command to you Sara is irrelevant here she has nothing to do with this Sara did you respect the Lord since I've died he's now making a poster of himself as the love and respect poster child Sara ever since they're relevant in more ways than one I can't believe he's done that Michael deal with Emerson down here but Sara did you do this out of love and reverence toward me out of trust and obedience toward me has nothing to do with Emerson that's what this text these are imperatives they have nothing to do this is God calls me to be loving Sara's irrelevant what's the incentive why would I get off the crazy cycle when we start spending them without love she react but why would I jump off of this thing because at the end of the day Christ is present do I fail all the time proverbs 20 49 24 16 says a righteous man falls seven times but arises again you've got to get up he can't be defeated by defeat you got to get back up and here's one of the reasons why Sadducees you know and the Pharisees were two groups the Sadducees did not believe in the resurrection of the Dead and they gave this story about the seven sons all of them died and then she died and then the resurrection whose wife will she be what was a trick question because they didn't believe in the resurrection of the Dead but Jesus said you neither know the Scriptures nor the power of God you're not married in heaven nor would be given in marriage in heaven but you'll be like angels what's Jesus saying you're not going to be married to this person in heaven so what is marriage all about it is a tool in a test to deepen and demonstrate our love and her reverence for Jesus Christ and your spouse afford you that opportunity the question is this have you gotten this or are you spinning on the crazy cycle incessantly because you're blaming them for your unloving I'm not obeying you Jesus Christ because this woman is dissing me and I can't obey there needs to be a footnote I'm an exception and the Greek I think it's their parchment pray Harry in 2020 is an exception you ain't gonna find it but here's what I believe it's coming this moment you stand before the Lord and he says well done you did this you got it well done good and faithful servant you're faithful and a few things I'm gonna put you in charge of many things enter the joy of your master really Lord yes I call it the unending first moment and that will go on forever and ever and ever and even that pales in comparison to what we're going to experience because I has not seen here's not hurt is not enter the heart of man what he's prepared for those who love him he will do exceedingly abundantly beyond all that we can think or ask Paul said in Ephesians 3 some of you have no idea what's coming because the Lord does not want you to know and it all hangs on where he's watching first and foremost when he swings from doctrine to application the husband-wife relationship that's what he's watching because that's what's important to him and what is foolish in the world is the wisdom of God and the wisdom of God is the foolishness the world the world said it's foolish to put on love toward a disrespectful woman it's foolish to put on respect toward an unloving man not talking about being in harm's way you get out of harm's way got about to good-willed people who don't like each other because they've been spending on the crazy cycle and the world would say if you do that you're a fool and God says you are the epitome of wisdom to me and I'm going to reward you throughout eternity let's pray together Lord you know our hearts you know that we are inadequate and that we fall short but we caught a bigger vision that marriage is a tool in a test to deepen demonstrate our love and reverence for you and maybe there is someone here tonight who is a husband and wife or who wants just prayer because they want to come forward not because there's something wrong but because your spirit is calling them to a deeper deeper commitment to you and they're coming forward as a declaration we want to do it even better we want to do it right and Lord we are honored by their willingness to make that decision tonight thank you for their example to us but again we want to be those who trust your word follow your word and how to jump off the crazy cycle because at the end of the day it's not about the person standing in front of me it's about Jesus Christ beyond the shoulder of my spouse who one day will say well done [Music] hey thanks for watching to find out more about houston's 1st you can subscribe to our channel or you can go to Houston's first org you
