Standalone/Wounded Healer/Various/ Dr Emerson Eggerich

[Music] [Music] my dad had died my mother was a widow she was probably 82 at the time and I remember saying mom I have this recollection of dad attempting to strangle you to death and she was in shock and she said there's no way you could remember that and I said well I do remember no they were too little we think that I was probably about 14 to 16 months old I was that just correspondent with my sister I have one sister no brothers and we think it would have been right about when I was 14 to 18 months old that night I said to mom he had you up against a refrigerator he had his hands around your neck you were turning red and and and I could tell this is vivid I can see it even now you couldn't breathe I could tell that this was something that was not right I went toward dad he kind of knocked me down the scene ends and then a few minutes later apparently you're out on the retainer wall we had these cascading concrete bricks and with all kinds of flour of different things but she was sitting you were sitting on this and you were crying and I had never seen you cry and the neighbor lady through the window saying JJ are you okay in the scene ends I said did that happen and she said you can't remember that I said I do remember that it happened that way she said it happened that way well then I do remember mom I had happen and that kind of experience wounds you it is something that's deep in your soul and I never surfaced that information and I'll explain why obviously until after mom and dad were no longer around because the exciting things that happen there's no point in shaming people on on situations but that's a very deep thing for a little one to go through that's why I have a special place in my heart for little kids who get exposure to different different things like that because I can kind of feel what they feel and children are aware we have a 19 month old grandson and he is smart and he is aware and they're they're collecting information but they they can't speak in complete sentences and he can't tie his shoes but he is aware it's amazing to see this little human being and and I Canada I was right about that that side cuz yeah I can see Jackson my little grandson would have taken that in and so these experiences wound us and you some of you here have had experiences that have wounded you that have left holes in your heart fast for a little bit I was eleven twelve my sister's five years older than me and I saw mom and my sister talking and they were in a hushed kind of conversation and so it got my attention otherwise I wouldn't have paid attention but I could tell and so you always catch that you know and and and I said what are you talking about and they both looked at me you know like they discovered something they they went cold faced and then mom said well your dad is committing adultery with another woman and the word defilement captures what I felt at that moment so it's just something like died and I just remember just something defiled me that kind of experience again is another wound and of course that manifested itself in and I threw and throwing temper tantrums and things that I would do not necessarily 11 but even earlier with those experiences I can remember just throwing myself down the floor and temper tantrums and anger and and I can remember right about that time maybe 11 ish or whatever I got a butcher knife and I told mom I'm gonna kill dad and of course I had no intentions of doing that I was who knows what was bothering me I can't even remember what it was but I had no intentions of doing that you kind of try to bring people into your pain when you're experiencing something well my mother was a very successful businesswoman she had she taught acrobatics tap dancing ballet she had the recitals very gifted woman funny entertaining and she's just you know cool calm collected but when I picked up that butcher knife and said what I was gonna do she freaked out I'd never see my mother freak out of course she should have freaked out but I knew I wasn't intending to do anything but she didn't know that and so you know that kind of emotion that you're setting on and one thing leads to another and it was kind of agreed that I ought to go to military school and people say was it was it by mutual agreement I said yeah both mom and dad agreed that I ought to go so from age 13 to 18 I was at Missouri Military Academy in Mexico Missouri and that's where I spent five years from 6:20 in the morning till 9:45 at night I could tell you what I did every five minutes and God wanted that for me now I was not a Christ follower my mother and dad didn't know Christ my sister didn't know so we were a family that we were Americans we believed in God but and it wasn't that we would say we were an anti-god Antichrist we just didn't know what we didn't know and so there wasn't any focus on God or anything so I then went to military school eighth grade and but my sophomore year some elder at a Presbyterian Church gave tickets to the cadets to go see a Billy Graham film called for pete's sake and I don't know why I was interested in going maybe because we could get off campus for a couple hours I don't know what was the driving factor but I wasn't I don't remember being spiritually hungry but there was definitely an interest in going to this and and when I was at this movie it was about a father and I and a mother had this young son but the mother had a brain hemorrhage and died at the counter the grocery store says she dies and so this Pete who had his own gas station and so on so forth goes into depression and he's despondent he's ignoring the son and and one of his good buddies and african-american workers spoke into him about God loving him and that there's a deeper purpose here and that Christ and explains all of this and then Billy Graham comes out you know and they have the whole auditorium and and I'm hearing that God loves me that God is ABBA that he's our Father our Heavenly Father and years later when I was learned a little bit about ABBA some say it's the Aramaic and that it means that the the father would stand over the crib and say say the intimacy that we can have with God that he is our Abba that he loves us and as I was listening this message that God loved me that he was my father this just exploded in my soul and that though that and then that I was a sinner though that I had hurt Ava's heart and and I didn't I didn't argue with that I was in a military school my issues you know I wasn't one who resisted the idea that I was sinful I mean I knew that and so when it talks about the fact that I have a sin problem I didn't argue against it it just didn't bother me you know and that Christ though died for that sin that he he is what we call this substitutionary atonement and that he died in my place he went the electric chair so to speak for what I did wrong and and and I got it in my naivety there was enough and so then this invitation was given and this Liberty theatre was the name of it I always find that name so precious to me because that's where I was liberated that's where I found freedom Liberty theater Mexico Missouri and this invitation was given to come forward and I was kind of always a leader and there were these cadets in the row with me and when the invitation was give they asked everybody stand up and anybody want to come forward so I said let's go well they thought I meant out of the theater and I'm crying and I start to go down and one of the cadets I can still remember it in a high whisper saying where are you going at Grich and I kind of just you know I'm going to and he's you fool I remember thinking years later about that that you know because I can remember even before this episode setting out we taught swimming so we had a swimming pool in our home and you know on the diving board and looking out on this guy and thinking you know if if we're here by randomness if there is this you know it's just all by accident I was smart enough at that point to understand the implication of that and the despair that came over me with the realization that this is an empty universe without purpose and meaning in its deepest and ultimate sense that I'm here by accident and that there is no ultimate meaning and that when I look out into the sky there is just nothing you know it's just there is no meaning you know years ago there was a singer Peggy Lee and there was a song she sang is that all there is is that all there is break out the booze and keep dancing some philosophers who understand the implication of their philosophical worldview basically put it this way life is too bad to be true but we we go on living Francis Schaeffer's and others used to challenge people the implication what you're saying you ought to kill yourself what's the point of it just commit suicide and I do remember the story that he challenged people on that line philosophically and one person went out and did but I can feel that because I can remember sitting or thinking if there is this is this what it is is this what I got to go through is this is this what life is all about is this I mean talk about and the despair that would come over me at moments is its chilling and some of you process it that way you understand what I'm saying you can think it through many people who commit suicide understand the implication of things and so there is a despair there and so that day when I heard that God was there and that he loved me there was something that said I want to believe that the question was did I believe it because I wanted to believe it of course but there was also the sense is this true truth in my mind is also such that I want to make sure that you know and and I will go to that to that journey but I began to really you know assess some of this but I went forward that day and I and I can remember later thinking this person is you fool I thought to myself if Christ isn't there what difference does it make how foolish I am world's too bad to be true who cares what you think about me you're in the same state I am this is all just nothing my sister always said you know you life is hard life is hard but then you die it's like the moth in the cocoon you know is trying to get out in the minute it gets out something eats it but we need to stop and pause and really ask I mean we are thinking people in this culture the intellectual elites are challenging us on this point all the time we no longer live in the same culture that was around and you know that especially here in Portland so let's just be honest about this and so you know does make any difference what you believe okay if that's the case then you know is there any true truth and if there's no true truth I mean then what what is this are we gonna make God into our own image kind of a thing I mean and how do you know that's true if though the implication of some of this hardcore secularism which I was processing us than a sympathy so when I heard this that God loved me something happened that went forward and I was crying and that statement you fool and then then I thought years later - if Christ is there and this is true truth what difference does it make how foolish I am doesn't really make any difference if you think I'm a fool for this because I know my woundedness and I know my pain and that day when I asked Jesus Christ to come into my life something happened to me something happened to me and I had already I was planning on going to West Point that was my past bracing whether I would have been permitted or not but I met with my congressman I bet with the president the military school who can make recommendations and so I was kind of focused in on this and and then I come to Christ its sophomore year and I'm thinking whoa and then I find out Billy Graham with the Wheaton College and I thought Billy and I were the only two that kind of knew what was happening I did I remember thinking and I remember hearing about Moody Bible Institute and I and I was and he went to Wheaton and somebody said about Moody so I applied to Moody and I asked the different questions and I remember saying I think III believe that all religions are basically true well of course moody didn't accept me and so there but I didn't know the difference between the word religion and denomination historically a lot of times the word religion is used for denomination different religions within the context the crew but I'm but some people's who wydad weeks that's a good question but I don't think I had the same set of questions but I I did I did ball through my interview Whedon was going through a period of cynicism they'd had all these intellectuals come and they'd gotten top-heavy and they couldn't there was a cynicism to set in and so then in my interview I'm bawling like a baby and so there was a is this one person who had interviews so this was so refreshing and so it was a you know it was different I thought I'd died and gone to heaven when I'd gone to Wheaton and just the and that's when I remember Gordon fee this Bible teacher saying he's our and in that he talked about that Aramaic and I'm thinking whoa whoa then justice God really love me does he really care about me and the reason for that is because see we had these wounds we have these deep wounds the defilement and and and how do you deal with that and do you go through your whole life kind of with this undercurrent of anger and bitterness I can remember talking to one that one of the chaplains and he said you can confront your dad you can hurt your dad but you won't change your dad let it go but you have this undercurrent of anger I can remember the anger at military school and I scraped my shoe you know spit-shine shoe and and I went oh and I was just we're going through class to class and I was just in suddenly this hand came on my shoulder and I turn around its commandant just calm down mr. egg rich calm down just your shoe okay and I remember at military school you get your head really closely cut anywhere the hair cut but barber cut it even closer than he was supposed to and I remember coming back to my room mad I was live I can't believe what he did and my roommate I had these two guys with me they were neat guys I mean they were it was just a great thing and I remember him saying to me calm down it's gonna grow back you know you have those moments where you think yeah why am I freaking out by this what is going on what's wrong with me so you got this undercurrent of anger and then we kind of deny you know we live in this denial you know it kind of reminds me of the guy who said to his buddy oh man I made a huge Freudian slip last night when I was having dinner with my mother said really what'd you do while we were seated at the table and I meant to say mother please pass the butter well what was the Freudian slip what did you say well I said you which you've ruined my life I love that because you see that's not simple misspeak he's setting on such anger that he's living in denial of and he's reframing that the guy is living in denial of the hostility he has toward his mother and he simply referenced sin as misspeak know and all of us have to come to a point where we get in tune what is it that's going on in our soul did we see our dad attempt to strangle our mother did you hear of your father's adultery see many of us have had these experiences and we shake our fists toward heaven all of us come to a point where we're either going to be job or job's wife they both went through the same experience but she says to him curse God and die which is what she wanted to do in which she had done in Part C few of us today in this culture had the privilege of having a father like Phil or a brother like John mark or to see the father-son relationship and part of the reason that we're here is we think this is how it's supposed to be and because we haven't had that experience will we be shelved are we second-rate are we damaged goods and is the world against me is God against me you know there was that pier where I thought the world was against me then I had that moment of illumination when I realized billions of people didn't care one way or the other where's your experience so here we have these wounds and the question is how do we deal with this and that day when I asked Jesus Christ into my life something began to be healed but it wasn't a complete healing and I will tell you these things are deep you know a story comes back my sister had a good friend they were best friends during you know grade school high school this is like 10 years beyond this and suddenly this girlfriend of my sister's calls me out of blue I haven't talked to her in 10 years she identifies immediately all hi you know and then her first question to me is it wrong to love a man I've not talked to her in 10 years and her first question to me just BAM is it wrong to love a man and I'm kind of thinking whoa well obviously there's something else to this question because you don't just you know so I said why are you asking me this question I mean there's more to this because it face-value the answer to that is no but that's not your nature there's something else you're asking I said what so what what what why are you asking this she said well he's married hmm and then I had that moment where the Lord and his kindness gave me an insight I said does he have children she said yes I so go ask each of the children and why did that question come to me because I understood you can argue all day long about family structures you can argue all day long about soulmates you can do but it takes a mommy and a daddy to produce a child and within the heart of every child by nature which will not be changed I have a mommy and I have a daddy who are you where are you and I will tell you this it was meant for you to be together but as a culture we're gonna change that structure but you're not going to change the soul of a child and every child has a recognition that mommy and daddy are to be together and if somebody comes in between that there is a defilement that can happen now I will tell you that you don't stay in harm's way because when my dad attempted to strangle my mother to death and if my sister and I've been trying to pull all this back together mom immediately left and went to an estate an apartment she said in Bartonville we were in Puri Illinois where mom was there and then they divorced so when I was around that one to two years they divorced but they're divorced for a year and then they reconciled but then there were rage issues again with my dad and so mom and dad separated for like four or five years and we lived at 10:13 North Orange as a single parenthood family mom taught acrobatics and tap dancing and I'd fall asleep on the dance floor and you know as a little kid and and that was our life but what was interesting is that when I came to Christ things began to happen and mom began to watch me so I was a freshman at Wheaton and she's she's she sees things going on and and so she joins this Bible studying one thing leads to another and she hears that God loves her that Christ died for her and now she's begin to understand what had happened to me and and and she prays to receive Christ and she comes to me afterwards and she opens up the Bible and she's got she's 53 and tears rolling down her cheeks she said all my life it was right here and no one ever told me about it having a personal relationship with God that God would forgive her and she changed it was just amazing and she's got a good mind she started memorizing Scripture she memorized Romans and she'd get up in front of the Bible class and just you know she just she just was an interesting person funny but she was burdened for my sister so then she leads my sister to Christ and then my brother-in-law's a professor and and and he comes to Christ and then my dad comes to Christ this all happened my freshman year at Wheaton my whole family receives Jesus Christ and my mother was instrumental in my dad coming to Christ because my mother did not reduce my dad to a one sentence descriptor he's a no-good bum she never did that and I appreciate that about my mom in fact I was the one that was upset with him and she said but he doesn't know how to be a daddy because he didn't have a daddy during the flu epidemic in South Dakota and across this country in 1918 the flu epidemic hit this country in hundreds of thousands of people died my grandfather died my dad was three months old when his dad died of the flu so mom always said he didn't have a dad II don't know how to be a daddy he never came to a game he never did any but he worked nights and it wasn't ill willed man he was an insecure man at certain moments when he perceived certain things coming at him and and and he didn't know how to deal with that but what's interesting is that my mother never allowed me to you know she never badmouth my dad it wasn't well it just she's an amazing woman she was not a milquetoast she's a strong dynamic woman and and I am very grateful for that but because of that and this is what's so powerful about it she wouldn't have put it in this this way but we have to make sure that we understand the difference between a Judas and a Peter and what do I mean by that we know in the scripture that Judas betrayed Jesus the Judas betrayal but there was a moment when Peter denied Jesus and and during the Last Supper you know the story most of us where Jesus said one of you will betray me as they're all they don't know who it is he lets all of that's what communion weird examine our hearts and Paul takes that teaching in the Corinthians passage because that's exactly what Jesus intended the disciples to examine the hearts are they potentially a betrayer are they really truly faithful so weird examine ourselves and to ask the same question they ask that night but then subsequent without ours Peters denied knowing him and there's this moment where I believe that Peter does not not know that he's not the betrayer and when Jesus and he make eye contact Jesus and he look at each other and Peter goes out in and says he weeps bitterly he wept bitterly how would you feel if suddenly you thought maybe you were the one some ways even though he knew you no Jude I mean they were confused there's to all but nonetheless they both denied Jesus Christ but the deal is this there's a difference between the spirit of a Peter and the spirit of a Judas and my mother never concluded that my father had the spirit of a Judas so she wouldn't have described it that way she saw my dad's goodwill she knew that dad would die for us for instance and here's the deal when my dad opened up his life to Jesus Christ he broke and blubbered like a baby and isn't it sad that we would view my dad as a Judas when Jesus Christ sees him as a Peter be a dwelling Christ came to him and took up residence within him because he saw him as a Judas no he understood my dad see many of us are bitter toward our our parents or our fathers and so on so forth and I had this image once where this father and son are on this cliff looking out over the beautiful ocean and they're having a great day when suddenly the son the dad pushes him off the cliff and the son falls 30 feet onto rocks and is unconscious and when it comes to in the hospital he can't believe it his dad pushed him off the cliff and he he no longer has his dad is no longer around there's I can't believe that my dad would damage me like this pushed me off trying to kill me wounding me in such a way years go by this man's bitter toward his dad and he's telling the story that his dad pushed him off a cliff and the guy he's telling says when did that happen he tells him you know I was a reporter and we were in a helicopter and we've got that scene on video we were over that cliff when that happened you want to see it yeah and what happens is that in the shadows about 30 yards away is his grandfather standing in the woods with a gun a rifle and puts a bullet in the back of his dad who then falls forward and knocks his son off the cliff in the image read that came to me is that our fathers are wounded and their woundedness is now wounded us and we're bitter toward them but we've got to remember that somebody wounded them and part of empathy is the key to forgiveness and we come to a point where we realize they are not the enemy they're the victim of the enemy and you let go of it because you suddenly realize that the deepest recesses of their heart they - or once boys and you let God do something in your own heart and you begin to say you know Lord is there a way that you can take these wounds or am i damaged am i shelved is there something that you can do here and I began to realize that God does in fact want to bring healing Psalm 147 3 says that he heals the brokenhearted and he binds up their wounds and was so powerful first Peter 2:24 says that Jesus Christ we are healed by his wounds his wounds healed us he was nailed true for our transgressions he was pierced through for our iniquities and and Peter said he who knew no sin became sin that there was something redemptive about the cross something happened there but he is the ultimate wounded healer by his wounds we are healed and then Peter says we are to follow in his steps and it hit me one day that I'm a little little bitty bitty bitty bitty but nonetheless a wounded healer and will I let these wounds cause me to become bitter and shake my fist toward heaven and curse God and die or will I let go that and begin to say Lord is there a way that you can take these wounds if I don't have a father like Phil that you can actually use me as a wounded healer and at the very thing that I thought damaged me is the very thing that you're going to use because the people who have influenced your life are people who teared up when they heard your story and they teared up because they too went through what you went through and you will have the same effect that what you went through is not wasted everything matters unless you become a bitter person and you shake your fist at heaven because of the impropriety of what happened to you and you will be correct it was unfair and so you can put out your lower spiritual lip and you can pout toward heaven because you were treated unjustly and I will say you were but you will not motivate God to somehow explain to you all of us have a box with a question mark in it and even Jesus on the cross said my God my God why hast thou forsaken me and as I have pointed out to many people over the years there's an unanswered why and he won't answer he'll work all around the box in ways that just blow us away and it's like he shows up with such power and such wisdom and gives us such insight on so many things but there are some things he chooses not to answer there's so much mystery but ultimately we have to trust his sovereignty in that you have unjust treatment in your past that does not mean that you are damaged good you can now become a wounded healer I think of the the medical doctor who had to amputate both legs of a soldier and when the soldier awakened the medical doctor was there and as the man now realizes both legs are amputated he curses and screams at the doctor for what he did and the doctor just absorbs it and then since then I understand and the guy is insulted by that you don't understand dassit 'yes you say that to me and the doctor said son I want you to see something and he raises both of his legs and he has artificial lips to be a wounded healer is a great privilege but it's gonna cost you something it's gonna cost you coming to a point where you let go of your resentments and allowing God to use you in the lives of other people when the people who were supposed to be used in your life earlier on weren't I remember who eaten a professor I could tell he was a new professor and he the whole issue of student popularity and he wasn't quite as popular and and and and I was meeting with him because I was hoping he'd speak into my life and somehow this conversation wasn't going where I was one he wasn't asking me questions about my dreams as a 19 year old 20 year old and the Lord spoke to me you encouraged him I said that's not the way it's supposed to be he's supposed to be he's supposed to be speaking you encouraged but Lord hey I got I got some needs isn't anybody ever gonna speak into my life you encouraged him so I did and he never said hey that's great talk to me more about what you know and I got out of the car and I'm thinking why does this keep happening to me there comes a moment when we just make a decision but I will tell you that God begins to honor that as I then went into the ministry you know you begin to meet with people and their pain and and then you see the Spirit of God using you in somebody because you can identify with what their sad soul is describing and then they there's something that happens to them and suddenly they begin to be healed as you commiserate about the things but you begin to process it in a way that turns our hearts toward God and and and then I can remember having the privilege of studying the Bible 30 hours a week for nearly 20 years in this ministry and one day I was on this Ephesians passage on marriage and I'm I'm looking for some reverse of Ephesians 5 Ephesians 5 is the greatest treatise New Testament marriage and verse 33 is the summary to the greatest treatment as though Abba has said listen to me church this is my last word to you not in terms of in terms of progressive revelation not in terms of chronology but this is I last word to you and I'm meditating on this where it says the husband must love his wife and a wife must respect her husband and because of my experience because of my woundedness because the way I process things I'm beginning to think you know Mom and Dad and and I think you know you know what I think I'm seeing some things here that God commands a husband to a Goffe love his wife and commands the wife to put on respect toward her husband and I got thinking you know what what happens when a wife feels unloved she tends to negatively react and that illuminating moment she reacts in ways that feels disrespectful to her husband that must be why God commands her of putting respect because it's very natural for her to be disrespectful when she feels unloved and God commands the husband put on love because when he feels disrespected it's very natural for him to react in ways that feels unloving to her and I could see that my dad reacted the way was because of his insecurities in a way misinterpreted mom's messages he thought she was sending messages of disrespect he didn't doubt our love he thought she didn't like him and that in his insecurity and his miss Reid in situations his rage would surface and then of course his harshness and anger and everything just devastated mom and she closed off but as I got into this I began to realize this this is there's a connection here without love she reacts without respect without respect he reacts without love without love she reacts without respect without respect he reacts without love whoa and then I began to realize without love she's wrecked and because she's insecure so without love defensively which is what happened to my mom she reacted offensively without respect she wouldn't try to be offensive she was actually saying to my dad I have a need that only you can meet and I'm reacting this way because I expect you to know that but my dad not being able to discern that he reacts when he feels disrespected well why did he react because he's insecure and he got defensive so without respect defensively he reacts offensively without and it's extreme he puts her up against the refrigerator tries to choke her out in a completely foolish moment absurd six foot three football player man's man wonderful that just wonderful they were on what I call the crazy cycle and as I got into this thing I began to realize that that that's true for all of us and but I saw something there because of my own woundedness then I begin to realize Sara and I you know what we then I started pulling things back when we were first married you know we went home to Peoria to see my mom and dad and I was wearing contacts at the time and so but I forgot my contact lens case and so I improvised I got two little juice glasses and I fill them with water and I put both contacts in the little juice glasses and put the juice glasses on the back of the toilet and so then in the morning I got up and I came in and put the one in and I put it in and then I poured the water and there was no contact so I said to Sara Sara did did did you do anything with that juice glass on the on the back of the toilet she said no I oh I got up in the middle of night and and took a pill and I used that juice glass she drank my contact and then my dad made a suggestion as to how we could get it back thanks dad appreciate the information and which I said I can't believe you drank out of that juice glass well I can't believe that anybody would put their contact in a juice glass on the back of the toilet well I can't believe that anybody would drink out of a juice glass on the back of a toilet in my moment of anger a certain point Sara's spirit deflated have you ever had a conflict with somebody when suddenly the issue doesn't seem to be the issue and their spirit deflates it's no longer the issue it was no longer about the contact at that point Sara was feeling unloved fast forward we were at Christmas and Sara's a farm girl from Indiana she was Miss Congeniality of Boone County and she she she made me a jean jacket for Christmas and it was a special last gift and so she gives me the last gift the jean jacket that she's made from scratch by hand the whole thing and I opened it up I put it on I said thank you she said you don't like it I said I do like it she said you don't like I said Sara I like this Jean check you don't like it I do like it why are you saying I don't like it because in our family if we like something we go thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you we say thank you they continue yes in our family we say thank you but at a certain point my spirit deflated why because it was at its birth at a certain point that was no longer about the jean jacket the issue wasn't the issue is I'm feeling disrespected she's calling questioned my integrity about my gratefulness and we got on the crazy cycle before I was able to put full definition of this so without love she reacted without her spend without us but he reacts with love now what's interesting is that all of us need love and respect equally but the University of Washington studied 2,000 couples for 20 years and they said we now know the two key ingredients for successful marriages love and respect Abba Father said that 2,000 years ago but they also get gender specific eighty-five percent of those who stone wall during marital conflict are men this shut down why because they discover that men's physiology is such when they're feeling provoked if their heartbeats get 299 beats per minute they're in warrior mode so in order for this thing not to get out of control or escalate beyond what's honorable they withdraw to calm down and we'll say you're picking a fight quit provoked Minh which is not what she's trying to do but it's how the blue mind interprets the world so he seeks to do the respectful honorable thing only to be labeled unloving because no woman would ever walk away at those moments women feel very comfortable what they call the ocean of emotion but what they also found out is that the vast majority of women will move toward this was their words to criticize and complain during conflict she will criticize complain but she says she's actually in I understand that she's trying to do the loving thing she's trying to resolve this she's trying to reconcile she's moving toward if he'll just understand and and what happens though she tries to do the loving thing and she's interpret as disrespectful because ongoing criticism is heard by him his contempt for who he is as a human being and they said that this becomes a feeling and a man as belligerence and contempt which is the opposite of respect and when men continually withdraw in Stonewall it's described as an act of hostility the opposite of love very gender specific we do a lot of research we've surveyed 25,000 people so far we've asked 7,000 people this question when you're in a conflict with your spouse or significant other do you feel unloved at that moment or disrespected 83% of the men say they feel disrespected 72% of the women say they feel unloved that's as different as night is from day you start at zero and go out the statistical significance of this is mind boggling we've we've reviewed the predictability the reliability that question it's off the chart we all need love and respect equally do we all need love respect equally yes but the fealty during conflict is different but what happens during those moments it's so easy to dismiss the other person because the thing that deflates them doesn't bother us you see what bothers the male is viewed see women say disrespect and you got to be out of your mind you know I I'm not going to show him respect because I don't feel it and be hypocritical I'm not gonna be hypocritical he hasn't earned the respect he doesn't deserve the respect he's not superior to me I'm not inferior to him I really think this is your attempt to return to patriarchy so that will feel fear of male dominance I'm not going to be treated like a doorman and walk on eggshells I'm certainly not going to feed his narcissism his ego I'm not gonna lose a sense of my self-identity or subject myself to emotional abuse but other than these things I'm really open to hearing what you had to say about this how many of you have sons that's gonna be the attitude your sweet daughter-in-law toward your precious baby boy and she's not mean-spirited you're not mean-spirited women are loving see God commands the husband to agape loving only in the domestic portions he does not command the wife to agape love remember praying Lord why have you not commanded women to copula because I put it within the nature of a woman to nurture women love till love at the level of intimacy you have to wound a woman like your mother was wounded to get her to stop loving at the level of intimacy I'm not gonna command her to do what I created her to do because I'm not into redundancy you women listen to how you love just comes out when you say goodbye to your girlfriends your mother your sister your chilled of you love you bye love you love you love you bye call me love you love you love you love you love you love love love love love love exercise love love parts fluff fluff fluff love love you can't not do that but guess who's less loving when you get married and so you then begin to judge him when he deflates because you can't believe this but he's deflating because you're in essence saying why don't you just be a little bit more loving you know I have to be honest with you I don't really respect you because of that so now he feels responsible both for the love and the respect and the relationship and he deflates over things that you think are narcissistic no he's just different and she will deflate over things that you think oh good we grow up see if ever gets you a diet book again and so what happens is that we get on this crazy cycle without love she reacts without respect without respect he reacts without love because what she's saying is I have a need that only you can meet and I'm reacting this way because I'm vulnerable to certain things you just did and he can either trust her heart or and was so sad as he takes up a fence over what he thinks is a disrespectful negativity sick and pop or you can begin to decode that she's a good willed woman who isn't trying to be disrespectful but is crying out for your love because she has a vulnerability in areas that you don't even process in the same way so you can either be dismissive of her as immature or he can trust her heart that she's made female and Jesus had heavy not ready you made them from the beginning made them male and female Matthew 19 or when a husband feels disrespected he'll shut down and withdraw and you can dismiss him as egotistical because he's shutting down over issues that you would never shut down over you by him the third marriage book to read this year and he says I'm not gonna read it anymore if he bought you a third marriage book you'd be excited about this that we're connecting we're soul mates you brag about it he's done why cuz he hears a message through his blue hearing aids that he thinks you're sending through your pink megaphone and that is I don't accept you I don't approve you and I don't I don't respect who you are unless you change right now buster and become more loving like me and if you did we'd be happy and we can dismiss him as ridiculous for interpreting that way or we can trust he said I have a need that only you can meet and I'm reacting this way because I'm vulnerable to you at the level of intimacy in steen that's where my mom and dad got derailed and I've made it my mission to try to serve people like my mom and dad to say you don't need to be on the crazy cycle and why is it that this has now become the life message because there was a moment when I made a decision that I said to the Lord and I didn't anticipate serving marriages I mean talk Sarah and I but one time I was asked to go do a marriage where she and said I don't want to do anything because it just remind but when this revelation came when the illumination came when I began to realize I could answer some things that would serve people see I cried myself to sleep a lot as a little boy but if I have a chance to prevent the little ones from crying themselves to sleep by serving but here's the broader message in the message my woundedness has been used by God to serve other people because I chose not to be bitter or to shake my fist at the unanswered question see we have that box and all of us gonna have to make a decision well I trust God based on what I do know about him in the face of what I don't understand or while I choose not to trust him in the face of what I do know about him in the face of what I don't understand each of us comes to a point where we got to make a decision to let go of the fact that he's not gonna answer why that injustice came to us why we suffered why evil came to us but evil can come to your external person you women have been sexually abused it can come to you but it doesn't defile your interpersonal s you let it in and all you have to do is see this as the sufferings of Christ evil came to him I don't know why it happened it is evil there is no other way but if you think that you are damaged goods you are missing what you now can become is the wounded healer but he will not answer why he allowed that to happen and you're gonna either have to worship and give him thanks for that in the face of what you don't understand or you can be jobs wife and say curse them and deprive yourself of a future moment when you're meditating on Scripture when God comes over you and said here's a piece of the puzzle that will now enable you to sit next to someone who's had their legs amputated and pull up your legs and your pant legs so to speak and say to them I understand and watch what happens inside their soul and when you leave their presence you will be so elated at the fact that God is using you to touch other people's lives who are changing forever because of you the wounded healer but you won't be a wounded healer unless you allow God to heal that wound and part of it is letting go of your demand to know why it happened in the first place have you done that

Channel: Brian

Views: 15,467

Rating: 4.835391 out of 5

Keywords: Solid Rock, Solid Rock A Jesus Church, The Bridge, A Jesus Church, westside a jesus church, Church, Gospel, John Mark Comer, Portland, Portland Oregon, Sermon, Pastor, Calling, identity, jesus, transformation, sermon, bible, kingdom of god, kingdom, dominic done, book of ephesians, ephesians, phil comer, Dr Emerson Eggerich, love and respect, love and respect book

Id: jQ3SrMw_XqA

Length: 48min 7sec (2887 seconds)

Published: Tue Aug 28 2018