Lewis Howes REVEALS The One SKILL You Need to be SUCCESSFUL | Impact Theory

[Music] the thing that i've learned especially in this last relationship was probably my greatest teacher of all i loved this woman cared deeply about this person want the best for this person and what i have learned is love is not enough love is not enough for a long-term committed healthy relationship to fully work hey everyone this episode is brought to you by our sponsor betterhelp an online counseling company with the mission to make professional counseling accessible affordable and convenient i hope you enjoy hey everybody welcome to another episode of impact theory today i am here with the dean of the school of greatness lewis howes louis my man welcome back to the show dude good to see you brother dude it is so good to see you i really do enjoy our time together so i'm super stoked to have you yeah i want to ask you you have really created something pretty amazing for yourself what is the skill that you have that you think is most important in your success vision 100 to explain that from a young age i've been able to see things that i thought for myself that i wasn't able to explain i was able to see how to accomplish my goals athletically i was able to see how i needed to connect with a certain person i was able to see how to build an online business when i didn't have the skills or the know-how i was able to somehow figure out okay this is where i need to go and i could figure out the path through the clarity somehow and and i'm really good at seeing other people's path as well that's been something that i've developed the last 10 years so if you told me like my goal is x and you weren't sure how to make it happen you wouldn't say that because you know exactly what you need to do but most people they're like i'm not sure how to get there i would be able to just i don't know what it is there's something that i've been able to develop where i can see exactly the steps i need to take to make it happen so when you're thinking through it do you have a method or is it literally like it just appears to you there's no method it's like a picasso i don't know it's like like painting something like it just kind of all comes together and i don't know where that comes from do you have a um do you use meditation for this like what are it's like thinking about the person who wants to have the kind of success you've had and so is it just that you're born with it and move on to the next question or is there anything i think it's a unique uh experiences all the experiences that i've had that have allowed me to from my very young age i observed people i observed people constantly because i didn't have friends so i would sit and watch and observe and then when i was able to have the courage to speak to people i would ask questions just like we do on a daily daily show and everything and i would just notice people's energy i would notice their energy what they were saying what they weren't saying what was missing and i think this the pattern recognition over time from observing people asking questions but also applying these things in my visualization practice for sports sports was the greatest teacher for me growing up because every day i got to be in the arena i got to practice something that i wanted to accomplish i got to improve on a skill set whether it be in basketball it was a dribbling skill that i wanted to learn or a shooting drill or rebounding there was always a skill that i needed to improve upon football like in sports you never are you've never mastered really anything you can be great at something but there's always another level in sports to be better even the best basketball players they miss a lot of their shots it's like you can always improve somewhere some skill set so for me the application of seeing my own goals and seeing my own dreams and then taking daily actions to improve upon those and make those goals come to reality it was the full circle moments that i created consistently here's the dream 15 years later it happened seven years later it happened five years 20 years it was like seeing it come to fruition was a big it gave me the confidence those results gave me the confidence and then when i started coaching other people i don't know seven eight years ago in kind of the business world in the online marketing world or just like their life goals i just started seeing it be like okay yeah i see myself in you i see this problems that i had what was struggling for me and if you just eliminate this limiting belief if you take this action if you do this thing you should be there in six months not six years and then they would do it and i was just like awesome so then seeing those results in other people i was like okay maybe this is a skill i have for others not just accomplishing goals myself is there anything somewhat universal that you see people struggle with is it all mindset or is it like when i think about business business is complicated it's so complicated and so i do this thing now called business decision making where it's a course would literally just live fire get a group of entrepreneurs together and say what's the biggest problem you're facing and let me show you how to think through that to get to an answer right so that you can make it deployable for any business so in that to your point about pattern recognition you begin to realize okay this this seems super complicated on the outside but there's a foundational way to walk through those steps do you walk people through that like are there universal things in there that you can help people anchor on it's usually asking a few questions one is what's missing in their life or their business yeah what's missing like what's the thing that's holding you back and it's kind of just observing asking questions seeing what they're talking about what they're not talking about i'd like to ask what's missing um do people know well you get to find out you know like maybe they'll tell you they know exactly what's missing or maybe just by hearing them like okay is this it or is this it and just kind of feeling it out uh this the second thing is the self-belief they don't have the belief and so what is missing from their ability to believe in themselves in accomplishing this big goal that they've never accomplished because usually it's something we want we've never had and so we've never created it it's hard to believe in something we don't see fully on how to get there for most people right um unless you practice that i think actually visualizing the end result seeing the end result that practice but also the practice of just i've seen the goal i want and i've accomplished it that practice and in your fantasy in everything yes and a fantasy of like i want to accomplish this goal and you imagine yourself doing it holding the thing having whatever it is you want that is a part of it but actually in real life accomplishing it and then doing that but how do you do the first one right so taking your own story you go from the last kid picked in dodgeball to playing at the olympic level in handball being a professional football player like that's a pretty big chasm to cross yeah so when you go from even the girls were picked above you in a in a competition that involves strength right uh so there's nothing for you to anchor on so how do you begin to imagine having it or back then maybe that wasn't the thing that got you moving i used to watch a lot of sports movies back then and so i would pick up things from the movies and just like okay maybe i'll try this that they had to work hard things like that yeah whatever or just like because i didn't actually understand that as a kid i actually thought you were either gifted or you weren't i think i was that's funny i was having this conversation with a friend yesterday that most of my childhood i would get in trouble and i would say i wish i were dead i would get sent to the principal's office and i would say i wish i were dead i don't know why i'm here i would say this but then something inside of me was like calling me it was like pulling me forward it's really hard to explain it was kind of like in the middle of my not the stomach not high in the chest but kind of in the middle is like pulling me forward of like no don't end it like there's got to be a reason there's going to be something you're meant to do and i never understood what it was why do you think it came from your we'll call it the diaphragm yeah i don't know this i was literally having this conversation yesterday because i feel crazy when i talk about this i sound like a crazy person you know that there i forget what uh warrior culture said this but there is a warrior culture maybe the samurai god please doctor in case that's wrong but that'll get you the right idea where they said that the the diaphragm is the seed of the soul interesting yes very interesting to me that you felt that even as a kid i felt it um when i was five because i remember and then i felt it consistently throughout every day i still feel today and i don't know what the reason is but i feel like there's something pulling me in every experience and every breakdown and mistake i've made is teaching me something to improve myself to prepare myself for something greater i don't sounds crazy it doesn't sound crazy i want to understand so your story is a transition from sort of dark aggression um getting angry right we covered that in in our previous interview but you've turned that now into something that's light and expansive and and so what i'm curious about is we go from we have the sense of why am i here i just want to die but ah there's something pulling me from my abdomen and like it's this very physical experience when do you begin to give it a meaning that isn't sort of dark and eight years ago eight years ago i feel like i had the perfect storm of breakdowns in my life i moved to la for a girl we tried to make it work but it was up and down it was just like breakdown city um i was in a business partnership with a company i had at that time it was in constant breakdown arguments fight conflict it was just not good and i started to you know friendships weren't breakdown everything was in breakdown and i got i think i talked about the last time but i got into a basketball fight where i was in a pretty bad fight in a basketball game and i just had all this anger and aggression that was constantly coming out whenever i felt triggered i remember one time this is gonna sound crazy one time i was driving in west hollywood and i stopped at a stop sign there was a runner coming behind me and he punched the side of my car as it went around me this is how crazy it was i literally drove the down the person i drove and chased this runner down parked in the middle of melrose avenue in the middle got out and started chasing at this guy and then i stopped like what am i doing like what am i doing so i had these all these moments where i was like something is not right and i remember after this fight that i got into on the basketball court in a simple pickup game a fun game i was like what is going on my best friend was like i don't want to hang out with you if you continue to act this way and that was a wake-up call i was like okay if my best friend doesn't want to hang out with me because i can't manage whatever is going on inside in the external world i'm reactive to everything let me do some work on this and that was the process when i started going to every therapist i could think of every workshop anything i was like i will try anything because on the outside life looked good i was you know making money i was building a business i had a personal brand i was like things looked good on the outside but on the inside i was suffering and i didn't know what it was i didn't know how to get out of it i just thought well this is my personality don't try to change me this is who i am and i got to a place where i just wasn't enjoying who i was anymore i didn't enjoy my own company because it was just so much suffering inside i just didn't understand it and everyone might look at me and say well you shouldn't be complaining about something like you're live in america and you had this and you got a business you had money like you have nothing to complain about but i think we underestimate what people might be going through inside even if they look like they have it all figured out on the outside so i have a lot of compassion for people now because i understand like man it doesn't matter what you look like how beautiful you are how much money you have how much success people if you don't know how to manage the beast inside you could be really be struggling and all that could be a mask so i was wearing a mask and that's the moment when i started to say i want to discover everything within me why did i do everything from my past how did all my past affect me today what is it and these things i was afraid to look at for 25 years which was the first thing being sexually abused at five years old then there's parent stuff just like fights and arguments and just all these other things my brother going to prison for a number of years when i was a kid and not having friends during that time because i was you know looked at as like the bad kids younger brother and so i must be bad it was just like series of events that for me caused me to react with a lot of triggers and anger and when i finally recognized it and was willing to look myself in the mirror and be honest with myself that's when i was available for healing that's why i was available for that talk to me about the healing process is it is it about changing the meaning that those events have where it's like it happened to me versus it happened for me like what are you doing that was definitely part of it i think a lot of it was um not being afraid to speak about it i think for myself i never told anyone i was sexually abused and i never told people certain things that i was ashamed of and so that shame just built with this like ball of anger inside of me and whenever i felt under attack or whenever i felt like someone was trying to abuse me or someone was trying to do something to me unfairly if i was giving a lot and someone was taking advantage of it it was almost like i just yeah i felt under attack and i wanted to fight i wanted to defend myself and so being able to speak about it and share the shame allowed me to start the healing process i think i wasn't even able to talk about it sharing it was huge i started writing letters to everyone that i was angry with i started writing these letters i didn't send them i just did it for myself to really process analytically to pen and paper and to look at the words of like how did it make me feel were they aggressive you letters or yes and thank you letters so it was the full range that's emotional so is that when you because really what i'm trying to figure out is how to transform it into yeah because look one of the things you talked about during the book tour was a lot of people worry that by giving up that mask they let go of their edge the aggression the very thing that's made them successful and to be honest i'm empathetic to that i i actually think that finding a way to channel that masculine energy is smart and i chip on the shoulder yeah i love it dude it's it's gotten me where i am absolutely but being able to balance like the i only let myself lean into the darkness until i know that now it's in danger of being corrosive and so then i don't do that right so it's like i always call it the 2080 principle so 20 of the time i'm down be in the dark side love it absolutely literally just like darth vader it's sexy yeah it is right it's really powerful driven but if you spend more than 20 of your time there it will tear you apart so you've got to balance it with 80 in the light side so i'm curious like when you begin like maybe it's those letters but at some point it's like you know the intoxication of writing the you letter and being like no it wasn't like f you later it was like i want to destroy you physically it's like i want to go and put your face in the ground and smash it as hard as i can yes that's the the darkness love it it's like how do i do that with with still being alive and not going to jail it's like that's the darkness that was in my mind and i could easily go back to that place and that's the scary thing is i know what's inside of me okay now we're let's go to some real here at lewis house for people that have never stood next to you you're a big dude yes strong yes and i was watching one of your instagram stories and you were beating the life out of your poor trainer and i was like for sake even though he has that yeah yeah but like you were hitting him so hard and here's what i think is awesome so one of the the idea that jordan peterson had that really rocked me is this idea of the meek shall inherit the earth now hearing that in a biblical context i never understood it did not make sense because i interpreted meek to be weak yes and i was like why would a we and look i'm a guy that grew up weak like my whole journey in life has been learning about toughening up so all the empathy in the universe for people that feel weak so i just couldn't understand it i was like i've really tried to get away from this and so much of the good in my life is from getting tough absolutely and so he was like well if you go back and look at the actual ancient word that this is interpreted from meek may be better translated as somebody who has the beast inside but can keep it controlled absolutely somebody that has a sword and knows how to use it but keeps it sheathed yes and i was like oh my god like that now makes sense to me where you have the power you can punch like an ox well i think uh i i can't remember who said it but someone said it on a podcast somewhere and i i think it's like a chinese proverb or something where it's like it's better to be a a warrior in a garden than a gardener in a war yes and every day i want to train myself to be prepared for a war whatever that war is whether that's externally internal and i truly believe for me my body is very physical i need to move and it gives me so much confidence it gives me joy it gives me happiness to be able to train whether it be in boxing or lifting or any type of physical activity where i feel like i am strong and i can take care of myself if i need to i hope i never have to use that strength to defend myself i hope i never do but to just know if someone wanted to do something i would be able to take care of myself that gives me inner peace that eliminates anxiety that makes me be able to walk in a room and see the room and scan the room and say i got this i don't need to feel afraid for myself and um the discipline you talk about it's a lot the discipline of doing something painful every day i think is one of the most important disciplines that any human being can have whatever that pain looks like for you i believe we must lean in the pain every day otherwise pain pain is going to lean into us but if we're leaning into it first when when stuff happens it's like yeah i got this because i do this every day i'm not saying we should be any pain 80 of our day but maybe an hour 30 minutes you should do something that makes you want to puke or makes you want to stop or makes you want to relax because then when stuff really happens you'll be relaxed and that's key for me so there is definitely i feel such a sense of peace in my life right now and um it's because i train hard what are what are some of the things you do that make you want to stop making more stop what so you said you should do something every day that makes you want to puke you want to stop this morning i was yeah doing an 8 a.m session and i hired the best trainer in the world for for boxing a former olympian tony jeffries he's amazing and i'm just like know how far to push me like he knows how far to push me where even today i go i started bending over at one point because i thought i was gonna puke in the ring he goes what's wrong and i go i just need to breathe and he goes let's go step in and i was just like mother after i was like okay and i stopped because i haven't trained in like a week with him because i was traveling and so and then i sat down in between rounds because we'll do like two minute rounds where it's intense and then i'll stop for 60 seconds and sit and just breathe and meditate and at one point i go i might need another 60 seconds he goes like make this your recovery round like lean into the pain and recover at the same time so i'm learning lessons every time i'm doing this whether i'm lifting with my lifting coach or or boxing with him it's i just feel so at peace afterwards i'm like man i know i can do this and every day i push myself a little bit harder it's like you just feel like you can conquer anything i don't want to be tested in the real world i'm like someone brings a knife to me i'm going to run away you know i mean it's like i don't want to be i hope i don't have to but it's just the confidence of the daily practice so um but i mean the the working out alone is not enough i have been doing years of the inner work the inner workout and it's all about the inner game as you know the meditation practices the visualization the therapies the workshops the just whatever it is listening to shows like yours reading books whatever it is constantly trying to improve my mind and heal the soul and i think by integrating the daily pain of the physical body and by integrating constant healing and it's like things happen every day to us where we can be triggered so we're going to be constantly like letting it go and forgiving and moving beyond it and the more i do that the better i feel and when i when i stop those practices that's when i feel like something's off my life yeah one thing i'm really trying to get people to understand is that your mind and your body are not separate and it is one thing 85 of the impulses that travel along the biggest nerve in your body the vagus nerve are going from the body to the brain not the brain to the body and so you've got lisa feldman barrett wrote this book called how emotions are made it's all about how your body will feel some kind of way and your brain tries to attach meaning to it and explain what's going on but it doesn't start with a thinking connected exactly yeah yeah and so that idea of strength and power and being able to generate force it's like that's a real thing and for me i remember when i had first met my partners back at quest they said dude when we first met you we couldn't understand how you held your head up your neck was so small and they they were just like yeah because they were like they were like these bodybuilders and they're looking at me like they were calling me pencil neck and and you know it really like i had lifted a little bit before then but never really taken it seriously but then suddenly being around guys that were very physical and i started lifting and i was like oh my god it's like a whole thing when you came like a super power once you start lifting at the height of my deadlifting when i was really serious about getting weights up i could bend over and pick up almost 400 pounds and i remember just like i'd walk around and say to my wife i can bend over and pick up almost crazy and like it's a thing you know what i mean like it it feels some kind of way and getting people like focused on because as much you say and i think it's so so true that the working out physically isn't enough but doing the mental work isn't enough like you really have to do it man you have to do it all i think and it's it's the emotional work too it's like have you healed the past have you forgiven are you still holding on to resentment if so something is going to be off in your life it's the mental growth like improving the mindset on a daily basis improving the physical body and then are you releasing the emotions are you processing are you integrating the lessons you've learned from the previous breakup into this relationship or are you carrying things from the past and it's kind of that those three things really connecting and then if you have a spiritual you know practice as well i think really integrating that is something important but and part of my life was all physical and i got physical results and was suffering emotionally then i started to heal the emotional side and feel peace and sleep at night for the first time which i was like oh my god i can sleep it's because i let go of something i was holding on to emotionally then i was like okay i don't feel like i'm that smart so let me learn let me improve my mindset let me get new skills now i feel more confident i'm increasing the mental capacity and i just feel so much better every day knowing that i've done that work and it's not enough to do the work in the past it's a continual process in the present about you and the podcasting game and all this stuff that's like come to fruition in the last you know whatever 10 11 years is we've gotten to watch you evolve as a human in real time and go through breakups and like new relationships i'm not as good as you just being married for 20 years you know it's like i gotta i gotta learn the hard way so so did i so i have a few years on you which may be the thing that speaks to that but talk to me about going from you know the last two relationships where i knew of you in the beginning and actually really knew you it was um two relationships that didn't end great yes but you really like we're so intentional about the next person these are going to be the things i mean going back to your idea of vision like mapping out this is what it's going to be right and what have you learned about relationships that have made this one more successful well the current relationship is no longer really and so i walked me through i've spoken to you and i haven't talked about this publicly but i'm sharing it with you for the first time um that's why i'm you know just sitting here like okay do i want to share this right now i should have i should have asked you before is there anything off limits you always ask that other people i'm terrible i know but it's all good um also speaking of this what i've learned from the previous three relationships all amazing women all great people sweet human beings with their own set of skills and i want the best for them that's true which by the way you were like that off camera as well yes i always i always want the best for them um and everything is 100 my responsibility and my fault for choosing relationships for staying in relationships for all these things and the thing that i've learned especially in this last relationship was probably my greatest teacher of all i loved this woman cared deeply about this person want the best for this person have something super we had an amazing connection and what i have learned is love is not enough love is not enough for a long-term committed healthy relationship to fully work facts my my personal experience one human being love is not enough and i think we've been told our whole life love is all you need and it's just for me not true what else do you need values vision and lifestyle personally from my experience you know a wise ancient philosopher once said a relationship without trust is like a relationship without gas in a car i've heard that somewhere you can stay in the car but it'll go nowhere right and that person was you posting this this morning and i really liked that i was like wow and the values trust goes into with the values and if values don't line up like every relationship i've ever had up until this moment has been a sexual attraction first a sexual a chemistry a feeling yeah that is like this feels good let's hang out again this feels great let's hang out again and then it's like a falling into pattern of spending more time great sexual connection lots of shared interests fun joy passion and then but never talking about the values of the vision and finding out later the hard way oh do our values line up to our vision lineup not making them wrong or me wrong we just never really talked about those things and that causes a lot more from my personal experience pain and frustration and let down and unmet expectations that were never communicated from both people and for the relationship from my experience and really just being like wow okay one of all these lessons taught me and why is it taking me this long to learn all these things in each relationship i learned something new that i'm like okay i'm gonna take this in the next relationship but what this last the slash relationship with an incredible woman beautiful sweet kind caring human being who gave who showed me what more love than i've ever felt in my life that we yeah just the values weren't aligned not that they were right or wrong just they weren't aligned the shared vision of our life as a relationship was not alliance and certain lifestyle or cultural things weren't aligned which caused more friction which the lifestyle stuff is is probably like the least important of those over the values in the vision um but i think that adds to the the flow of the relationship is having like cultural or lifestyle or at least being accepting of the other person's lifestyle or culture and so that's what i've learned values vision and lifestyle and really not leaning into the sexual connection with the chemistry first with the values and the vision first and delaying sexual like how long um you know i believe i believe time is a weird thing like i grew up i grew up with my father and the religion i was raised in saying that time is infinite you know i never celebrated my birthday because my dad didn't want me to put emphasis on my age and limit me from accomplishing my dreams i think i'm too young for something or too old for something he always said time is infinite there is no beginning there is no end so don't emphasize your age to limit you right expand it so i think that you can create uh you can make a day feel like a year with someone sometimes okay i'm trying to get i want to know how long how long should we be waiting to have sex yes exactly as long as you can wait really the more that i've learned uh-huh as long as you can wait to figure out if the values and vision are aligned it's very interesting so now you asked me this couple years ago i'd be like i don't know like a few weeks you know it's like a month here's you know so there's something interesting here and i want to get your take on this so with my wife i was just trying to get laid yes that's it hot chick here we go let's go all good yes 100 and in fairness quite frankly she was also just looking she calls it a fling and it's interesting that she uses that word because she wanted the emotional like flare-up of like this hot american guy and like that's her words by the way not mine and you know i'm gonna have this story to tell that's what it was all about for her and so she was about to just have fun yeah and so that's that was the initial gravitational center that we went around and so that gave us the time to get to know each other and all of that now her dad when i went to ask for his blessing to marry his daughter he was like don't do it you guys don't have shared values did you have a share of values we did and he he could only see cultural values and from that perspective it was very much night and day yes yes but lisa and i so we do a show called relationship theory together which is amazing people need to subscribe and watch if you're watching that is extraordinarily kind and one thing we talk about there is collision of values is the most dangerous thing between a couple not having shared values eh not realizing that you have a collision of values because once you know what it is you can negotiate but if you can't say this is what i think this is what you think so steal man each other's argument in the most generous way possible and then it's like okay i really do understand you i still think you're crazy but i do understand you right so now we know we have a collision of values and so it's like what do you do to navigate that so is your strategy now just look for people where there's enough alignment or do you think that there's a way to negotiate around values i'm in a couple months uh not in relationships giving you some time so i'm uh but what i'm feeling in this time is that uh and the reason i said as long as you can wait that that might be like a couple weeks it might be a month it might be two months it doesn't have to be like you have to wait till you're married or something so uh you know especially if you're a sexually different person uh like we are you know it's it may not be that fun to wait that long but i always believe that delayed gratification is the best and that that chemistry will actually be stronger but the more you wait the longer you wait even if it's a few days you know if you wait a little bit longer it's like the anticipation um but it's really trying to listen to the values you can even i i can ask you know in the future i could be asking directly or indirectly just to like see okay what are their values and is this a sexual chemistry connection i have this person or is there also like some shared values it's got to be some and some shared vision and can what is the vision like what what kind of vision the vision for the relationship the vision for that like what is our life going to look like in the future i'm a big vision guy like roles or what are we trying to do what is our mission as a relationship a shared shared vision when would you bust that out because like early in the day earlier you probably wouldn't do it early um but i would just be asking indirect questions like you know are you looking to have kids are you interested what's your interest for the future what's your what's your own career path what's your own dream that you have just like seeing where they want to go okay could we share this together as something in the future i think once you got more intimate then you could talk about like hey let's create like a share let's write like a mission statement for our relationship or a shared vision statement and is it a line is it even the same thing if not then what are we held by sexual chemistry which i think is easy for a lot of people to like lean the sexual chemistry at least speak for myself that's been my life and it's been not looking at everything else and again not making them right or wrong just like are we alliance and alignment for me is everything moving forward now that may make that mean that i'm making mistakes and then you know have a relationship that doesn't work out but it's like am i coming from a place of alignment and maybe just didn't work out and we weren't the right fit but we were at least in alignment so yeah values vision lifestyle is what i'm thinking about right now you know if you're in hookup and sex mode and just like fling mode then cool have sex like but know that might be some consequences on untangling emotionally with that person and like if you're doing it with five people at the same time you know what does that do for you and is it really meaningful and fulfilling and so it's figuring out what you want as well yeah 100 do you want kids it's funny i had this conversation maybe a week ago someone asked me this and i said you know i've all i've never could see myself without kids but i've never felt peace in the relationships i've been in until i felt like i would be trapped if i had kids with that person but then i would stay in the relationship to try to create peace and make it work so you know that was my defect yeah interesting i think it might be hard what do you mean that i would always try to make it work i would always try to make something like make it work shape shift change who i am to make them happy i was a people pleaser you know if they weren't happy with me or they're angry with me okay what can i do to change to make them happy and what i've learned is you can't buy peace you can't just change or do something for someone to be happy like it might work for a moment but it's not gonna be sustainable and um and another thing i really look for is is like how can i be a hundred percent authentic who i am to who i am from the beginning how can i be silly goofy weird say stupid stuff like i don't know just do things over the top of who i am not hide anything to be a hundred percent honest about all my stuff from the past all my shame all my doubts everything and if you are cool with that i'm down to hang out again if you're not then i'm not going to change who i am anymore in the fact of change to just make someone happy like you've got to come from a place of like authentic power who i am and accept me i'm willing to grow and improve but i'm not going to just do something to create peace so you either accept me where i'm at and i accept you we're at and we create a standard for we want to create together and see if we can meet that shared standard otherwise like let's move on dude i am really sad that you have to go through any difficult time but your ability to package things up for people with like this is what i learned and take responsibility be able to articulate like what you're learning play powerful man yeah well that's entry is extremely powerful go on what makes therapy so powerful so i wonder how much i should get into this um as much as i want to respect my previous partner there so i want to be uh intentional about what i say here we were having some challenges in the relationship um but also some great moments so it was like it wasn't like it was all bad was like great weeks and then the challenging week and we weren't able to resolve things to where we both felt like okay let's improve upon this and move forward and it got to the point where i was like i really feel like we need therapy like i love therapy it's great where we have a mediator who can understand both parties and help us come with a resolution because we weren't able to resolve things there's a cultural differences you know that that she had that was like you know well this is how we do it in my culture and so this is what i expect and i'm like well okay but it's not what i want to do and right can we figure out somewhere in the middle or whatever i couldn't figure i said let's do therapy i think it'd be great we eventually get to the point where we're either going to break up or therapy because there was some resistance in therapy for many many months and i said listen this is like we're not improving we don't have the skills to do this on our own so we either need to end it or try something else because we've been trying this for months it's not working get into it and um it's never about the other person for me when you get to therapy it's never about this is what this person is doing it's always about why is this triggering me and wire has been the pattern my entire life this has been a trigger and how can i show up differently how can i heal this thing that is triggering me the other person just happens to be triggering me how can i heal it how can i take responsibility and that coming from a place of a healed place now i can make a conscious decision do i want to stay in this relationship or is this not part of my values and my vision for the future but i was never able to come from a conscious place because there's always some pain from the past in every relationship it was a different pain that i just hadn't healed and therapy was really helpful for and i'm continuing to do it so i can integrate the lessons and apply it in every area of my life and just having a guide to give you exercises give you stuff where you sit across from each other and really share things in a dyad have you guys go to a sacred place and write things out and talk about things like just having someone facilitate and say what did you learn and how can we apply this to relationship is powerful a mediator you both can trust and respect and i think it's something that if you're unable to figure that i mean a lot of people that can do it on their own in relationships i have not been able to do that so just like everything else i've ever done if i want to become better at something i find great coaches my boxing coach my lifting trainer spanish teacher you know coaches and sports i try to find the best say i'm a student i'm a humble student i have a beginner's mind let me learn humble me i'll try something i'm gonna fail okay i'll listen to you and i think that approach for me has been a superpower that i've never felt like i'm smart enough or good enough or talented enough or big enough to take coaching from experts who could guide me to improve and i think you asked me the question like what's the skill that's secret i think that is also one of them the ability to have a clear vision and see the steps and the ability to have a beginner's minds and find and surround myself by great coaches and be unapologetic and asking for feedback feedback has been a huge indicator of my success i will ask friends hey what do you think is like the one thing that you notice from afar do you think i could be doing better what's the thing you think like oh if if i didn't do that like everything would improve what's the thing where i'm lacking what's the thing i ask everyone give me feedback how do you deal with the emotional sting though i have learned uh through the process i wasn't good at feedback until eight years ago because i was living with a wound of abuse of triggers of anger or frustration and i went through a workshop that literally for days had us i kid you not hours and hours and days had us sit there and take feedback from everyone in the room about how we showed up in that workshop and the mirror that we are for that person and what we what it was just like as exercises whether it was true or not you just had to sit there and look strangers in an eye where they tell you you look this you're this you're this and just be like huh and notice how it makes you feel and literally this exercise over and over for days got me to realize that just because someone's giving you feedback doesn't mean it's true about you so don't take it personally and see where is the truth in there and how can you apply it i was unable to take feedback until 80 years ago unable i couldn't do it i was like don't tell me what to do don't try to change me screw you i'm better than you at this you don't know what you're talking about it was like a very active let me fight you're trying to tell me where i'm wrong well here's where you're wrong here's where you suck you need to improve this it was a very aggressive and now i think it's everything's in practice it's like okay at first i didn't like it and now oh i got this one little piece of feedback and i started applying it and look how it improved my life so i can see the meaning of feedback and the value of it you know we get feedback every minute on youtube or on instagram it's like we get comments on the daily you and i every minute some things are really nice and some things are really nasty yep and i'm sure this video we're gonna see lots of comments on youtube leave a comment for your feedback i'd love to see i interrupted the top tom interrupted wait we're swearing like all these things where to get this whole time and we just get to take it in okay is this feedback that is useful for us and can we improve or do we just need to say thank you and let it go and that has been a practice that i think is a skill now that i feel like it's a superpower because i am beneath i'm not above anyone like i will take feedback from any human being give me a five-year-old kid give me some feedback you're observing something about me i'll listen you know kids will give it to you raw real you suck okay okay thank you you know it's like so that's uh that's something i try to do take the feedback so interesting i mean i guess it goes back to the you've got a vision for your life yes you know you've got the athletics of knowing that you can train and push yourself unfortunately i came very late to that lesson yep i know that i can withstand pain i know it because i've done it for so long in sports i mean football camp is like one of the greatest humblers just like three a days in the heat in ohio is just like miserable it's just so hard and you just you just feel like you're in a military boot camp or something it's it's so demanding mentally physically emotionally people screaming at you swearing at you slamming to the ground the social pressure of all the other kids laughing at you if you mess up break you know spraining an ankle being in pain it's just like all the psychological stuff that happens there you just have to and then be able to get through it it's like i can do anything you know you have this feeling that's why i'm a big fan of just sports for kids in general is like the confidence builder going through daily pain learning how to find great coaches you know the greatest athletes that you've interviewed they had great coaches how do you find good coaches what's the old saying when the student is ready the teacher will appear exactly and i think i've all like when i i never thought about doing boxing until january this year and it's because like i was having a couple weeks in my relationship where we weren't speaking we were taking some space and i was like and i i was almost 250 pounds i'm now 230 pounds whoa and um i was just like man i feel and i'd been running for the whole year for kobe because the gyms were closed and that's just like i just feel like i need something different i need a challenge i need to push myself physically in a way that i've never done it with a new skill i need to be like competing i need to do something than just running i was getting bored and that moment with like having some space in the relationship and just being like i have no idea where this is going to go the uncertainty of the future i was just like i need to put myself through pain in a controlled safe way and i need to find the coach that'll scare me and i remember seeing i'd met tony eight years previously and heard that he's like this olympic medalist and former pros undefeated and i kept seeing his stuff pop up on instagram and i just messed him and said hey can i come to a private class with you and one lesson's been i don't know six months twice a week and and uh he was there i was ready and he appeared you know i needed a therapist i was ready she appeared i needed a lifting coach i was ready and literally i was thinking about it and having a conversation and he messaged me that day and i was like oh yeah this is the guy i need it's just i feel like when you're ready things will open up and you've got to be seeking coaches like you got to say who knows someone who like put it out there by doing that you'll find the right person it's really interesting what makes for a good do you have great coaches i feel like you've always been like this lone wolf like you don't have someone that you pay to coach you do you in sport and fitness therapy relationships spiritually business like you've always been like i'm going to figure this out myself and just master like everything interesting so yes and no so i have learned everything the hard way yes so i don't think of myself as like some savant that can just figure things out but because i take so well to books and youtube like i just went on a tweet storm yesterday or the day before i was just freaked out i was learning something on youtube and i'm like this stuff you can find on youtube is crazy it's free it is the best of the best of the best like giving you their best information for free i was just like this is crazy and you just have to put in the time and the energy so i would 1 000 pursue coaches if i felt like i wasn't getting results from the things that i was learning from books and stuff it's like for each person there's like a different lane where you can really learn and for me for whatever reason like honestly i spend way more time on youtube so call it youtube stroke podcast to me it's the same learning yes with somebody talking i can take to that really quick you can apply it yeah 100 and i force myself to apply it so if i learn something today i'm going to use it today so i'm not the one thing that could be an opportunity please maybe coaching wouldn't be the best thing for you like now that i know this maybe it wouldn't accelerate your learning or your success because you apply it so fast and you find the right information you see and you're like i'm gonna go apply this and you take action you're you're unapologetic and your ability to apply what you've learned to get results whether you fail you figure it out and all that stuff there's one thing that coaches will always give me that i can't i can't get from watching a video or learning or listening or reading a book can you guess what that one thing is one word criticism blind spots and you might be able to see your blind spots your wife might be able to see your blind spots but there's something when a master is working with you that maybe you are maybe you are even aware of it but there's going to be something that you're not aware of or maybe i think that's powerful applying it as fast as you should be and every time i work with tony uh my boxing trainer i say tony like what's the thing i need to work on for next time that you saw today maybe i was aware of it and i'm he's confirming something i'm aware of but it's usually not because i'm so in focus in the zone and practicing when i'm practicing that i'm not thinking about like you know what your back foot was never turned when you came through on on that punch or your hips were slightly this way it's like always the little details and i'm like okay i'm gonna store that and apply that next time and the stacking of those blind spots and just those little details over time he's like dude i don't know how you're improving so fast over six months i was watching video of me six months ago to now and it's like a completely different person it's because i'm consistent it's because i'm taking feedback it's because i have a great coach and he's telling me my blind spots are and i'm applying it you know if i was just watching videos i may not know that i'm doing those things personally so that's my one one thought for you it might be might be a cool experiment for you to find some master to work with i've had coaches so i've done like i've taken guitar lessons i took greek lessons there was something else as you were saying it that i thought of yes so i think it's it's um unarguable that that is all true that i would get feedback i would see more quickly things that i might not otherwise so and i don't even have like i don't have pushback against the coach in fact when you were when i was researching you again it's not that i don't know you but obviously i always do before an interview and had heard you were taking spanish lessons i thought damn it i really cause i took greek lessons for a while and it was really hardcore about it and i got thrown off by um that people are working on little translator devices that would just go in your ear so i was like god if that's really going to be a thing like do i can i put this energy because we didn't have kids when i thought we were gonna have kids i was like i need to be fluent right in greek um but now at this point but now that the translator devices are taking a lot longer than anybody would have expected and i really enjoy it and for that i would definitely get a coach yes here's the thing i've learned about for 20 years i've wanted to learn spanish it's been like something one of these things that's been like polar mate right and every year at the end of the year i analyze like or assess the year and say what am i proud of and what's the thing that i didn't do that i wanted to do the last 20 years has been spanish and i'm always like well they can get a translator you can do this and now it's like the apps and you take a photo and it translates it for all this stuff but i'm like yeah but it doesn't mean i'm i'm not proud of myself and i'm not building a new skill for myself like i'm taking the easy way out not just bad or wrong but i know and this thing still is pulling me to like learn this thing and that's why last year i was just like you know what i need to find a coach that i can pay in advance that i show up for i scheduled in my calendar for the next six months next year and this becomes part of my daily practice you do it in person or over zoom zoom yeah i mean i started doing the pandemic and she was in peru but you know i think in person is always the best there is a name for a certain type of learning that somebody will drop into the youtube comments i forget what it's called but it's where they do stuff like so this should all be in spanish remember louis to smile and to shake hands and and they do the thing and there's like there there is a name for that type of language kind of aesthetic yeah something like that i cannot find anybody that does it in greek there for a while i was going really hard because i was like oh my god if i could find something cause the the guy does an example in german and i was like i speak exactly zero words of german and you feel like you understand him when he's talking because he's moving so much and when he says pencil he holds up a pencil and wow all the stuff and i was like oh my god this is so weird you realize how much of the communication is the the tactile stuff the way that we move our hands and look at each other i thought oh man i would kill right about now for that but i can't find somebody in greek someone needs to put it in the comments below but for me it's like this might take five or ten years for me to be fluent it's gonna be probably one of like the longest things i've wanted to learn like it's been 20 years and i every year i try to like do a lesson and i get the apps and i download the book and all these things and it just and i stop because it gets really hard and other things become more important or there's whatever business it's like your health relationship and i was like if i die in 20 years and i'm not fluent in spanish would i be proud of myself and i was just like no so i'm like what am i doing i love that intro of this i won't be proud of myself so talk to me because i i feel in our industry whatever that is there is this notion of just tell yourself that you love yourself and you'll love yourself and i think you actually have to do things to earn your respect 100 you got to do things every day i mean you got to do hard things every day to earn your respect i can't just show up on a couch and do nothing and be like happy with myself i got to contribute to society in some way i'm going to contribute to family friends that's what makes it meaningful and you're never inspired by the person who said oh he sat on this couch all day and did nothing but he lived a comfortable life so we should respect that for me okay it's respectable you're alive you're existed but what did you contribute how did you multiply your talents to serve something something greater than you or someone greater than you or something and so for me i don't want i want to be proud of myself i want to be proud of the things i say and following through on those things and being integral with myself i want to be proud of the work that i create the creativity i express how i treat and take care of my body how i take care and treat other people i want to be proud of those things at the end of the day because i don't know that's just what's like meaningful to me it's fulfilling and i know spanish learning spanish will not only make me proud just to have this skill but i'll be able to relate to 500 million more people so say especially in la man and i'm like what could i do how many more people could i help by having that skill one i'll be proud of myself but also better contribute to more people and i'll be able to understand more people i won't need a translator i won't need an app i'll be able to just instantly understand and relate better not perfectly but better and i feel like man i'll be so proud of myself to just be able to have a conversation with someone understand them and then be able to help them in some way that would be worth it for me like the years of practice and work and effort just to know i was able to develop a skill that was hard that took me 20 years to get started and finally commit i could die like a happy person knowing if i did that with every part of my life i love that yeah i want to end with asking you again your question i think i've asked every time that we've been together what is your definition of greatness i feel like i got to get it more succinct every time i love that you think through it yeah um it's discovering your unique talents and gifts to pursue your dreams and in that pursuit making the maximum impact on the people around you that's greatness that's pretty dope my man louis appreciate you so much for being here it was wonderful guys i have to assume at this point that you are already following lewis and everything that he does but if you're not please do the man has written multiple best-selling books he's got an incredible podcast youtube channel instagram all of the above it's absolutely amazing he is a wonderful human being on and off camera i can attest that behind the scenes he is actually living the way that he presents himself which is wonderful uh yeah you won't regret any time that you spend with him and speaking of things he won't regret if you haven't already be sure to subscribe and until next time my friends be legendary take care whether we go after big dreams or do nothing we're going to be judged either way if we sit on a couch all day our parents and our friends are going to be you're lazy do something with your life if we go chase after the most audacious dreams we have a lot of people are gonna attack us and try to bring us down so we might as well go do something with our lives and say thank you for the feedback and move on

Channel: Tom Bilyeu

Views: 202,314

Keywords: Tom Bilyeu, Impact Theory, ImpactTheory, TomBilyeu, Inside Quest, InsideQuest, Tom Bilyou, Theory Impact, motivation, inspiration, talk show, interview, motivational speech, Lewis Howes, the School of Greatness, impacttheory, interview show, pattern recognition, visualization, dark aggression, anger problems, wanting to give up, pain, suffering through pain, emotional pain, healing emotional trauma, how to heal, how to find coaches, being coached, using the dark side

Id: hk-1lkVQiXc

Length: 57min 25sec (3445 seconds)

Published: Tue Jul 20 2021