Leah Darrow - Made for More: A Prodigal's Journey - 2018 Defending the Faith

[Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] good morning ah it's beautiful at Sunday it's the Lord's Day what a great day to be alive have you thanked Jesus for your lives I hope you have I really hope you have if do you should get right now I love when I wake up each morning I've gotten in the habit of literally waking up and before my feet hit the floor I say thank you Lord for another chance to love you and to serve you it's such a beautiful honor to be his and to claim his name right as Savior so I am so happy to be with you this morning and to share with you a little bit about my life and how Christ has worked in it it's one of my favorite things to share not because it's about me which if you knew my old self you would think that but because it's about Christ and this is my first time here being here at this conference defending the faith and I was thinking about all of what you have been going through all weekend and the amazing talks the inspiration the adoration all of these things that are coming forming this apostle within you right and all the ways that we can learn our faith more defend our faith in the world as well and when I was thinking about that and thinking about this entire conference and your role in it my role and an our role in this bigger purpose of what God has in store which we may or may not ever know at this point I began thinking about the the power and the need of testimony because more than likely more than likely your biggest challenges in life your biggest challenges within the faith won't be centered around a facebook comment box about somebody on the internet who's wrong about the faith the biggest challenges sometimes in your faith won't come from a Thanksgiving dinner with family and friends who have fallen away from the faith or questioning what the Church teaches I believe that our biggest challenges in faith rely within our very selves that the apologetics that we learn and how to defend the faith how will they help you defend against the fear within your own heart the doubts that you have how to make sense of suffering that you've experienced you see the beauty of apologetics is it does help us understand and explain our faith which we need but it will mean nothing if you cannot use all that God's given you to answer within you within your conscience the fears you have the doubts you hold on to and that's the beauty of what apologetics should do it should do and my life I had a lot of fears and doubts there was a lot of suffering as well and reminds me of this moment that happened actually just about a year ago I'm at the circus with my firstborn Agnes and Agnes and I are there and we're going through this little circus that they have and outside of the tent there is the elephant who's getting some exercise you've probably seen it before right it's the big elephant he's got the chain around his leg and it goes chain carries it up to the center and the elephant walks round and round right round and round and we're just looking at it I don't even notice it don't make a mention of it and but but Agnes who is for it looks at it says mom why does it why doesn't he leave I thought it's a really good question why doesn't that elephant leave so we go over to the elephant and I notice that there's a trainer or so someone there and I asked him the question ok so missus silly I know my daughter's asking would you mind to help me understand he goes oh yeah it's no problem we get that question all the time so what happens is is that when the elephant is really young we take it away from its mama and then we put a chain on it and put the stake in the ground and obviously as you clearly know this guy doesn't have kids because I'm like holding my daughter's ears like this is gonna really break her heart pulled it away from its mom I guess is like holding on to my leg tighter and tighter and so he tells us and then we you know we get it to kind of go around in a circle so they can still get some exercise while it's outside and in the beginning the baby elephant pulls and tries to get that stake out of the ground and it it's it's useless it doesn't happen and so the elephant learns the baby elephant learns that it can't leave so it just resigns itself to walking in circles that's probably the best analogy from my life in the past I kept walking in circles I was walking and walking and walking but the funny part is I wasn't moving I wasn't going anywhere just because you're walking doesn't mean you're really progressing right and so that's that's how my life kind of began I just kept going and going and doing the things that people thought I should do or doing the things that I thought I should do but I wasn't even making any progress for me and my life and my faith this really began to take a turn when I was 15 when I was 15 things began to change things begin to change for me in a very very real way my family moved from Oklahoma where I was born and raised to st. Louis Missouri where would they still live today and when I moved from Oklahoma to st. Louis I got this new group of friends and by the time I was fifteen things began to change in my face and maybe you got kids just like me but for me it wasn't because I thought the church was wrong it wasn't because I thought you know oh this is like the worst ever praying the rosary every night I I didn't really mind it my parents still had to drag us in don't I'd let me make sure I'm very clear about that one but we were all there it was a very normal family you know my dad is leading the rosary my brothers are like picking their nose and putting boogers on people my mom's disciplining during the rosary and all my dad's doing just how he decides to handle it is just say the hell Mary louder and louder and louder so by the end of it it's like Hail Mary you are begging Mary to come down from heaven and like put people in corners you know so that's my family rosary just to make you feel better about your own life like there are crazies out there just like you right we're all in it together but but but my my drift from the faith wasn't really because of because of those things of course in fact those are the things that kind of grounded me later on I experienced though a little bit of the world might be I could I began to experience and a misunderstanding of what love was at 15 I lost my virginity it was an experience and a time of my life variety I thought that the world was came crashing down I made a freewill choice I made a free world choice at that point in time to do something that I obviously would regret immediately afterward because of that choice at 15 and because of my family and being raised Catholic I mean my family was the one who had like the reserved pew in church the front row like those are where the Darrow's said don't sit there you know my mom and dad were active in the church they were Eucharistic ministers they led wedding preparations for couples and I was the one that screwed up I'm the oldest of six kids so when this happened to me at fifteen when I made this choice it was really my fear that brought me away from my face I didn't think God would forgive me I thought I have been given so much so much I have parents that love each other that are still together I have parents that love the faith they talk about Jesus and I screwed up and that voice from the devil began to get louder and louder I can't believe that you did that you should know better Leah and I began to listen to that voice the voice of the world the microphone the devil uses to bring as many people in as he can I didn't think I could be forgiven I didn't think there was any hope for me and that's when things began to really fall apart when I began to lose hope I began to lose hope in my life as what I thought it could be with Christ and because I lost hope it was pretty easy to lose faith because I didn't think I belonged I'd look in church and I'd see all of you and I thought God will forgive you God loves you but not me not me there's no way I screwed up so big and I'm so young and I screwed up this big nobody will ever love me no man's gonna ever love me because he'll know my past God will look at me and be like you should know better I've given you so much and I listen to the devil call me up on my sins because that's what he does he calls us by our sins even though he knows our name but Christ calls us by our name I did not embrace that truth enough and I listened to those fears that were circling inside my head and that really honestly began the turning point for me believe it or not when people ask me well what happened and when you lost your faith for 10 years what do you think was the root of that and there's a lot of answers but this one experience and not and it granted it wasn't necessarily the sin itself it was me after that moment of not embracing Christ mercy of thinking that I was wasted talent wasted goods that I was unlovable by the world by maybe a future husband and even God himself I had those fears and I had that doubt and I couldn't even defend myself in that moment that allowed me to turn towards the world it's very easy to turn towards the world when you lose faith and you lose hope and the world ended up reconstructing maybe even what love was so then I had a disordered view of what love is I didn't see it as doing the very best for the beloved I saw that was doing the very best for me or it maybe put it this way I took Aquinas as understanding of love of willing what's best for the beloved and I was the beloved I will do whatever best for me and that was my definition of love and I look towards the world after that point and it became easier because I didn't think I belonged at church I didn't think I belonged at the Catholic Conference or anything like that no way not because I didn't want to I just didn't think I was they would take a sinner like me if they if if they really knew and I turned towards world with that and it made it really easy to look at the world and see what they were offering and the world told me as a woman that I am my exterior right how I look is the utmost importance and what I do with how I look will get me anywhere I want to go so I went into and I pursued a profession of fashion and modeling I made the big leap to audition for the TV show America's Next Top Model and I got on so I'm guilty of that has anybody here seen America's Next Top Model there's just a few hands it's awesome all right now put your hands down now raise your hands if you have not raised your hands if you have not congratulations congratulations you may have more brain cells the rest of us I don't know if science hasn't told us yet but I'm just saying reality TV nothing close to reality right I mean reality TV is where fake news started okay nothing real nothing real about it well nothing right I auditioned for cycle three of America's Next Top Model I got on that show I was there and I'm telling you something it even surprised me and I was on the show I mean I willingly went on nobody trusted my arm I knew I was going to be filmed I just didn't realize the extent of it and just really quickly so you understand how give you examples of how faked it is they film you 24 hours a day seven days a week no surprise it is a TV show however I didn't realize the like I said the extent of it I remember when we got into the suite in New York where we were staying the cameramen were all around they were hitting cameras and pillows and in rugs in your beds we found them when we walked in one of the things that I noticed and I was one of the older contestants the show I was 23 at the time of being on the show and I think every else is like 11 or something but like weren't you in school but maybe he's because I don't know it maybe was because I was older that I that I was aware of some of these things that the other girls just like completely were oblivious to but I walked and I realized into the bedroom there's no door there's no door it was taken off of hinges and then I walk a little bit further into the bedroom and I see the bathroom there's no door to the bathroom you walk into the bathroom walk even further to the shower and you see that there's no shower curtain let me just remind you all the cameramen or cameramen not women they feel me about an arm's length distance away the entire time we had to hold up towels over our self as we use the restroom for privacy other girls would we would team up and be like okay who wants to take a shower first who's in line okay and then we would hold a towel up while the cameraman is back filming the entire thing what do you think that they do with that footage I don't know your guess is as good as mine the reality is that in reality TV what it is based on how it gets ratings is two words based on two words human brokenness reality TV is one of those things that reminds me I was just in Rome a week ago and I'm sitting there looking at the Colosseum I'm looking at this Colosseum and I'm thinking about all of all of the people of the Christians that were murdered martyred right there in the center of that Colosseum and then I think about everybody who was in the stands everybody was sitting watching cheering jeering over who they wanted to win who they wanted to die who they wanted to survive and I'm thinking today today's Colosseum how different is it we're all sitting there in front of our TVs we're watching certain shows we're watching reality TV and we're watching human brokenness and we're voting of who we like better who we want to win who who we want to make it to this way see the problem with reality TV one of the many problems and the problem with most of social media today is that we are entertained by human brokenness and that my friends is wrong it is evil it is pure evil to be entertained and to be okay and to consume human brokenness so that we can be entertained by it my brokenness should not entertain you your brokenness should not be entertaining me see back then I didn't understand all these things and what was going on I just saw it once again because of my bad definition of love that I'm gonna do whatever I'm gonna do for me to get myself moving forward in the world because I had lost faith hope and love really within my self around 15 I turned towards the world and the world said hey listen you're fine it's no problem just try harder right keep going hustle hustle hustle so I went towards that on America's Next Top Model after I was eliminated on this show I decided to live in New York and continue my modeling career there which I did professionally for a few years I was working for a major fashion lit labels did the New York you know runway shows all of it my paycheck had a comma in it and I was very excited as a college grad like there's a comma you know is so happy never happened to me before so things were moving I was making more money than I could spend I was making more money that I could even possibly even attempt to be happy with my bank account was full I had zero real friends and I was miserable but my picture was in Times Square my picture is on the set of taxicabs on the side of subways and for some crazy reason I thought that mattered I began to have my identity and my worth wrapped up in it and I forgot who I was I was made to be and so I took this version that the world offered they said I should be of what I should look like what I should wear how much I should weigh what color my hair should be even all of it all the exterior things what type of career I should have how I should act the types of people that I should look forward in my little squad all of it and I took their advice the world's advice and it was clearly leading me down a path that I didn't want to be I was incredibly unhappy I'll admit it to you completely I was miserable but I had to pretend that I'm tough I did pretend no I'm fine I'm fine I remember walking down I've been working on one of the streets in New York one of the most intense moments for me and I and I firmly believe God placed this man in my life and he has no idea the impact of what he did at this one moment but I'm walking down New York and I'm it was a long you know sidewalk and it was early in the morning there wasn't a lot of people out yet and I was using the sidewalk to practice my runway walk I know I'm that vain okay it's disgusting but at least I'm honest about it you know like I said god help me so I'm walking down the sidewalk and of course as you probably are aware of models who are on the runway they walk with that face that's so Stern it looks like we're so hungry you know like feed me now that angry look it's true I mean we are totally hungry so I'm walking down I've got the look down and everything and I see this businessman in a suit normal walking towards me walking on the sidewalk as well he's on my left I'll keep walking he just keeps making eye contact with me I'm trying not to make eye contact with him I'm like listen we live in New York we don't do eye contact it's just like yeah I see another human being there and moving up you know but he keeps looking at me he keeps looking at me and I'm kind of slowly looking at him and then looking down again and trying to like avoid it it gets to be awkward as he gets closer to me this small smile creeps on his face and he gets a little bit closer to me as he's walking towards me and I'm trying to like move over to the sidewalk like to get away and he gets up close and he has his hand out and he reaches and as he as I walk by him he grabs my arm gently and he looks at me he goes smile it's not that bad it's as simple its phrase and it still tears me up to to to share it I remember looking at him and being so mad like get off me and I remember just like being and he you know he was so polite and he just kept walking that was it that was the interaction I started crying immediately just crying I'm walking down Fifth Avenue just crying being like why am i crying what was it about that another human being looked at me in the eyes and smiled at me and told me to smile that made it so difficult for me to believe that it's not that bad and it was a realization that I looked at my life and I thought you know what it feels that bad though it feels that bad in my in my life I'm supposed to be at this place where everybody thinks that you know I should be happy but I'm not I've hit success points but I don't feel successful I feel lost I feel forsaken that man in his words was one of the best things that could have ever happened to me cuz it awakened in me this desire of like of truth of I'm not happy why am I not happy well Lea that's a long story and I had to go back and begin to uncover all the things that maybe I was doing in my life that I was choosing that we're making me unhappy I was living a very unhealthy lifestyle to say the least and this isn't to make the story sound better anything but I was within inches of my life multiple times due to my own choosing my parents were absolutely scared to death when they would see a New York number come up on the caller ID this is before like names were attached to it and everything else and he would just say in New York number and they were scared because they were scared it was gonna be a police officer an ER doctor somebody to say that they've found me overdosed or a million other varieties of way that I could die back then and they were right to be scared they had every right to be afraid of that New York number on their caller ID because my life was not definitely wasn't pointing due north I was trying to fill all of the emptiness with anything I could with men with relationships with drinking with alcohol with drugs you name it anything and when you try to cover Vice with Vice it doesn't get you any closer to virtue I kept in that lifestyle for a while and at one point I thought things might be changing I got a phone call from an international magazine and they said hey listen we saw you on Top Model we think you're great you're really cute and of course right then and there I'm listening because they're flattering me tell me more tell me more and they're like well we think you've got more to offer so why don't you come with us and do this shoot we're an international magazine it's gonna go all over the world it'll be great and I ate it up there one thing that hooked me I said yes even before they finish the sentence was we think you have more to offer what like yes yes yes that is exactly what I want to hear and I believe it too and I knew it I knew I had something more to offer I had no clue what it was but it was something and I wanted to do that and that's actually what I see today and in every single young adult that I meet in my work they are thirsty starving to be told you have more to offer you have more to offer than this they want someone to believe in them they want someone to say you can do this it is hard but you can do this I wanted that same thing too so I listened and I said yes to their entire proposal which was okay so you have this great girl next door look very very nice but we think you've got more to offer we think you can be sexy and sultry so we're gonna do this great photo shoot you know makeup outfit everything so we can achieve this look and it's gonna be wonderful you're gonna go all over the world with our magazine cos international and it's gonna bump up your career and I'm like yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes I said yes to this without even thinking even if I thought I probably would still said yes kept with it now when I look back on that conversation I think that I hear something different it's kind of like learning to have the ears of heaven in our life right you have to have ears of heaven because everything that you get offered in the world everything that you hear isn't always for your benefit right and the reality is is because they don't love you they don't love me the world doesn't wasn't meant to it's not like it's a surprise Jesus said that very clear clearly did not mince any words oh yeah by the way world's gonna hate you oh okay Jesus but now when I think back at that conversation I think the translation in terms of what heaven heard was more like this hey Lia we think you've got something more to offer we have this extra ticket to hell do you want to come I'm like what what thank you me let's go you know I mean I think in reality that's really the conversation that heaven was hearing and you have to realize that there are there are very clear decisions some lead to the path of righteousness and some don't they they don't and we shouldn't be scared to say that or to mince any words so what was my decision oh yeah I was like yes well I'll take that ticket round-trip here we go or maybe there's one way I took I took the job I got into hair and makeup at on the day of the shoot everything seemed to be pretty normal they're fixing me up it's all great than they will in this racket clothes they will in this racket clothes and I was very uncomfortable with this with the choices that they had there for me and I find that interesting because my life that I was the life that I was leading was very immodest it was very in modest all of it all together the beautiful virtue of modesty is not just about clothes it's your whole life that you're thinking it's what you hear it's everything that you take in and then how you portray it outward as well and yet the clothing options that were given to me matched my lifestyle but I did not want to put them on I felt uncomfortable because clothing is an interesting little thing fashion is interesting our clothing our fashions they speak they communicate they communicate to the world something about us I know when I see a woman and a beautiful ensemble beautiful black dress that happens to have a veil with it as well may there's a little white you know peeking out I know something about her I don't even know her name but I know who she believes in I know how she spends her day probably now and if this wasn't Halloween I think more than likely I would be right correct see our fashion speak to the world they say something about us they may immediately say I followed Jesus but there are definitely some outfits out there that we couldn't put on that say we don't even if it's incorrect the fashion speaks something else and I was concerned about these pieces of fashion that I was putting on I'm like no if I put that on it'll be obvious that no I don't align myself to Christian morals and I was uncomfortable this stylist could sense my hesitation and she's like are you all right and I'm like you know what could you just bring out some more clothing options for me and she's like oh yeah yeah of course if you don't want to wear these things um you don't have to I'm like great and she's like yeah but you got to go like what she was yes you have to leave we're here to feature this designer you're just the hanger mmm it's true I talk about this a lot in my book I'm just the hanger that profession in and of itself does nothing to help humanity I don't care how you spin it we're looked at as hangers I realized then I don't like what you said but you're right you're right I'm the puppet you're pulling the strings of course for me at that point I wasn't brave I didn't have courage like you have so I put on an outfit oh no it's fine it's fine it's fine I didn't want to make waves and we kept going I began to models and we got into the shoot picture after picture was taken and I we can that that's that uncomfortableness that hesitation reminded me of that moment when that guy was approaching me saying it's not that bad all of it was started to be welling up within me I kept literally like shaking it like shaking it out of my head like thinking if I just shook my head enough like all these ideas would just get away from me and I remember the surfing are you okay and I'm like yeah no I'm fine I'm fine I got into another position they took a Polaroid of me to test the lighting of where I was which is pretty typical they showed me the Polaroid picture of my stuff so I could see what my pose was if I needed to adapt anything or change I said it was good I gave it back to them we got going I remember this this one last moment I'm in my pose I'm ready I'm looking at the photographer straight ahead I hit my pose and I made the rookie move I look straight into the flash flash hit and I was like ah so I have to hold up my finger like this so I can regain my focus they give me some time I'm blinking really quickly I'm getting very nervous trying to like not waste their time trying to get my focus back and inside my head though I see something inside my head I see like this little movie is playing and I see myself where in the outfit that I was modeling didn't alarm me at all because I just saw the Polaroid of myself no big deal but I notice that I had my hands cupped together my waist like this and then I raised them all the way up and then I saw out and up above me just the profile of a man's face just a profile a shadowy profile of a man's face nothing more I raised my hands up to him to give him what was in them and then I saw his head just bow and hang in disappointment I pulled my hands right back down to see what was inside of them what was so disappointing I look down and I look into them and I see it I saw nothing there's nothing at that moment I heard five words on my heart five words that changed my life then it still do to this day I heard five words slow and strong I made you for more oh but I kept blinking a little bit more thinking what's what's going on I heard it again I made you for more wanted I wanted to deny it I heard it again I made you for more at that point the photographer's snapping his fingers léa léa focus come on get back into it and I couldn't I couldn't to be honest with you I really had no idea what was going on it was very it was a very real possibility I thought that I was actually mentally losing it I thought that I maybe I mean maybe I need to go see somebody I'm hearing voices I just saw something like what but there was also this sense of deep peace and then with that came some supernatural courage that I know is not from me I stood up and I looked at photography and I said I have to go he said what I said nope I have to go I have to leave he began to nicely beg me to stay I went straight into the dressing room took off their clothes put on mine grabbed my bags and I began walking this long distance to the door I walked all the way and the voices that I heard from everybody there in the beginning sounded like it's no problem listen everybody feels this way in the beginning you're gonna be okay it's great you're beautiful come on let's keep going when they realized that I was not changed my mind and that I was walking out of the photo shoot mid shoot their voices began to change and the things that I heard began to be those ugly terrible things you would never want to read in the comments section on Facebook I began to hear things like you're pathetic we're doing Tyra Banks a favor to have you on the shoot you're ugly you're not thin enough you have cellulite a million different things they attacked me in every possible way I heard everything that you would not want to hear I heard it all and I remember just at that time it was like a wall normally that would penetrate and just pierced me it was a wall and everything was bouncing off of it I get to the door I have my hand on the door and I remember hearing this like screeching voice from the photographer saying Lia if you leave if you leave right now you're gonna be a nobody you're gonna be a nobody do you hear me you'll be a nobody I'll make sure of it I turned and I looked at him and I just said do you promise do you promise help you nobody to you thank you there comes a time there comes a time in all of our lives well we'll have to answer that same thing the world will say if you don't do it my way you'll be a nobody I know Christ gave me a supernatural courage to even respond that way and he'll give it to you as well to be able to say yep I'll take it do you promise I walked out of that photo shoot walk down Fifth Avenue crying like crazy mascara all dripping down my face I look like a crazy New Yorker or maybe normal New Yorker depends on your definition of New York lovely people a little wild and loud but lovely I walked all the way down Fifth Avenue and I went back to my apartment I got into my apartment and oh I did the only thing a girl could do I called my dad I called home my dad answered and at first I couldn't even speak and he says a second time hello and I was able to slowly utter out of my mouth very shaky crying I just said dad dad if you don't come and get me I'm gonna lose my soul and there was this very long pause and I just waited I waited and then dad finally spoke and he said okay baby I'm coming to get you my dad hacked up and drove 2,000 miles to come get me 2,000 miles to come pick up his selfish vain prideful messed up little girl oh I remember waiting for that time it just felt like eternity my mom tells me later that when my dad got the phone call and he hung up my mom rushed up the stairs because she saw the New York number and she was so scared and she said Patrick Patrick what is it is Lia okay is Lia okay and my dad said on the edge of the bed with the tear coming down his face and he just said we got her back we got her back I don't think I realized I know I didn't realize as a child how much I could affect my parents we're pretty selfish like that as kids I didn't realize it my mom tells me what my mom tells me that after he said that he just got up and immediately went to the bed went underneath the bed and pulled out a duffel bag and he began just packing and stuffing socks and underwear socks and underwear into the bag just packing up he would mom mom said he was just going so fast so fast like he was emptying the drawer for this trip and my mom is screaming from across the bed Patrick packed pants packed pants you know guys are funny it's like the bare necessities like you know keep your feet clean and keep your drawers clean and then you're good you know it's anything else it's just whatever my dad packs of that bag he gets in the car and he drives 2,000 miles to New York City to come pick me up 2,000 miles I now know as a new parent it the number does not matter the miles don't matter we will go to the links of the universe for our children if we would travel the globe if we would somehow raise money to get a rocket to the moon if that's where our kid was what do you think god the father will do for you if we would just go to the moon just one planet away God is the creator of the universe what will he do for you I'll give you the answer Jesus Jesus is the answer the one word that contains all is Jesus that is what happens my dad gets to the door of my apartment and he knocks I know it's my dad I don't even have to look out the window to see if it's my dad because my dad's got the knuckles of a grizzly bear and when he knocks on a door you know Patrick Darrow's knocking on your door you know there ain't nobody else has got a knock off my dad I go to the door I'm a mess I am a hot mess crying snot it just everything is just birth and I'm also prepared to handle what he's gonna dish out to me I was 25 years old at this point it had been 10 years I've been away from the church for 10 years I wouldn't even pray because I didn't think that I should I didn't receive the sacraments 10 years and I was waiting for my dad to tell me anything and it would have been just it would have been just you've been a bad example to your five younger bows and sisters you've wasted opportunity talents money bubble ball all that I was like okay fine you know what I'm I deserve it I'm gonna take it so I opened up the door in that space I opened up the door and this is what I see I see my father he's a pretty big dude he's tall and wide he's got one foot in front of the oven his knees are bent his arms are out like this I open up the door to this I open up the door and then he he he lunges at me and he says I am so happy to see you right good for dad of course you know as a as a selfish shot I'm like you know like why would you answer the door like that I've got neighbors I live in New York someone's gonna hurt you if you answer the door like that and I'm like hi oh and I'm thinking you've had way too much coffee you should not be happy to see me I'm the worst of the worst the worst kid on the planet and you know that I remember hearing at Thanksgiving dinners with extended family that Leah was the black sheep that Leah would never come back to the face she is so lost she is so into herself did you see what she does you see I heard those things I heard him and I began to believe him and own him and just keep that little chip on my shoulder fine fine then I'll just be that girl some thinking how how could you possibly be happy to see me but dad doesn't even give me time to think he just keeps talking you wonder where I get it from right dad says he's happy to see me and he's like hey listen listen I've never been to New York so before we leave I wanted to see Central Park and I wanna I want to go to Carnegie Deli need this big Reuben sandwich I saw on the Food Network cuz I gotta have it you know that's my dad my dad actually has a list and he keeps by his lazy boy of all the places he must eat before he dies it's true it's true some people want to travel the world my dad wants to eat the world so I'm just thinking uh you want to go to the park and you want to go to crank it and he's he's have all these different places I'm thinking I'm only at the point of spiritual despair but you had the park and food sound like a good idea let's make sure you get that sandwich dad and frankly I am even care I found I found that late which you already know that sin is exhausting it's exhausting and it's even more exhausting when you carry it sin after sin after sin you're exhausted you're exhausted by your past it's like that chain with the elephant let me keep walking round and round and round you keep walking but you you're you ain't going anywhere I was exhausted so I'm like you know what I don't even care you ain't gonna park you and get sandwich dad that's fine I grabbed my keys my dad is not moved from the doorframe of my apartment he's never entered in he's just standing right there I grabbed my keys and I'm like okay okay do you want to go let's get that sandwich dad and he just doesn't move and he gets real serious and he looks at me directly in my eyes and he looks at me and he says yes but first first we go to confession and I have got the deer in headlights look and I'm like oh you said confession I think I'll take the Reuben over confession and he doesn't hesitate Leah you called and you said you wanted to come home I'm here to take you home and Jesus is home the Catholic Church is home amen amen my dad was right you all know it I found out late my dad was right Jesus is home the church is home I am so thankful but I had someone in my life who is brave brave enough to speak truth to me brave enough to tell me where to go when I needed help and we all have that opportunity I can imagine there's someone in your life who needs truth I imagine there's someone in your life who is suffering who is hurting who is broken are you brave enough to tell them that you know a man who can help are you brave enough to do that I pray to God that you are because people are counting on it people are counting on it it was hard to hear it was hard to do but I know that my dad was right he was giving me a kick in the pants that I needed dad saw me broken he saw me suffering and he's like I know who can help you and it's not me and it's not a different zip code it's not moving home or a different job the problem is is that you have got broken pieces in your heart and the only one who can put it back together is the one who made it go back to him my dad was right and right then and there we got in the car and we circled around and we found a church we I don't know why that was hard it is New York there's one on almost every single corner that I avoided you know for years but I found one I walked in no phone call no appointment this wasn't a Saturday at 4 o'clock okay this is like a Tuesday at 2:00 all right I walk into this church and I'm you know of course but I'm gonna be honest with you I walk in all the lights are off I'm like perfect I'll just do it once over I'll walk through the church you know cuz my dad told me that I should do and then I'll come back like dad you know nobody there so let's just go back to st. Louis and I'll just I'll go to confession in st. Louis and I'll take the time during the drive to think about things yeah right I was just trying to postpone you know the inevitable so I walk in that the lights are off but I'm so excited like okay this is good this is good so I walk around and I'm walking towards the back of the church and I'm like looking at the church - cuz I've been you know almost a decade since I've been in one and I realize nothing has changed that 2,000 years got the church still the same walk through no walk I walk towards the back almost to the exit and I walk by this door that slightly open I honestly didn't notice it that much but I walk by it and as I'm walking by it I hear a voice of a man and all he says is are you there and I if I wasn't in heels I would I would demonstrate for you I literally fell down to my knees screaming no this guttural no right I can imagine what this priest was thinking are you there no you have been like oh my gosh where's my Exorcist look like the devil is here you know oh man I couldn't believe it and I turn around and I obviously see that was a confessional and I'm like you've got to be kidding me oh and I remember just being like oh my gosh I'm so I mean I I just walked in you know it's like being in college and you walk to the test that you didn't study for and you know you're gonna flunk it but some for some reason on freewill you still walk to the test to take the test you're gonna flunk that's not you that was just me okay well that was me I'm walking into the confessional being like this is gonna be bad I'm walking in I know it's gonna happen you know I walk in there's the beautiful screen you know and I kneel down in front of the screen I know some of you love the chair and you go to the chair the face to face let me tell you something good for you you're my heroes I love you now me I like my screen if the screens not there I'm holding up the purse father can you hear me through the leather scared to death that I'll be recognized you know or that he might recognize like you know whatever it is how I look or even my shoes I'm so scared to you like even recognizes my shoes all I go up to communion right after the confession and then I'll go up and he'll be like body oh you're that sinner get back in line you haven't done that been in jet I know that's crazy like that's not at all what happens but my mind is a little here you know my imagination is a little too wild and so I'm so scared so the point is I love my screen all right I love my screen I'm in front of the screen and I tell the priest okay father it's been about 10 years and he is so patient with me alright I tell him how scared I am I start breaking down I'm crying I'm like I don't even know what to say the things that I've done have been so dark and twisted I'm embarrassed to admit them out loud and he says you know what why don't we do this why don't you say the worst thing you got first maybe get that one out of the way I thought okay okay sure sure sure sounds like a great idea so I'm thinking I'm thinking I'm thinking I take some time I guess I took a little bit too much time because the priest leans into the screen he's like are you still there I leaned into the screen and I'm like patience is still virtue right I I really said that this is a true story this is my life Kenya matches like you know it's bad you know it's bad when you're sitting in the confessional you've reached a new low people welcome to my life so I'm there of course I'm sure he's backing away thinking I am so sorry I was just making sure you're still there so I get everything right nothing ok father thing I'm ready and boom I give Christ the worse than I I thought I had he peacefully just says okay you're talking to Jesus give him the next one boom it gave him the next one the priest leans in one more time he's like okay so so maybe you should have said the second one first it's a true story and I was like oh okay okay and then the next thing is you it forget the list just just just just say whatever comes to mind I think the breeze is like I don't even know what I'm working with here you know I have found that God works in my life a lot of times through humor and it did actually relieve me a little bit in that moment be like oh okay sorry but the point is the point is I give everything to Christ I gave him everything I didn't pretend to be a better person a better Catholic try to impress the priest what does it matter I said you know what here's the truth I am broken and I'm hurting and I don't want to hurt anymore and I want to be put back together and I only Christ can do that for me so you know what Christ I'm gonna show all my cards this is all I got this is all I got and I gave Christ everything I admitted every single sin I could that I could possibly remember I gave everything to him and that one confessional as a priest absolve me for my sins he asked if he could come around and shake my hand I was nervous and scared because I liked that screen you know I said okay he walked around he shook my hand and I just started crying and then he just put his arms around me and he just let me cry Thank You priest for me such a good Father's [Applause] it was a beautiful a beautiful and a very healing moment for me I've never I never got his name I don't need to but I'm so thankful for the priesthood and forefathers who are real fathers you take care of their flock I walked out of that confessional as you can imagine with a piece that I had not experienced in a long time and with a commitment to not laws not points that I can defend my faith I had a commitment to a person to Jesus and I knew at that point it would take a while but I wanted everything to kind of fall back into place so that my life could be an authentic expression of Jesus Christ as best as I could because the reality is and it still was then it is today that I am broken but I am redeemed we are broken but we are redeemed you see testimonies witness stories they're not just good stories your story my story is not just some good story to tell on a dais you get inspired no this is the living person of Jesus Christ working through another living person you see the reality is is that you may be the only copy of the gospel people will read your life your testimony of Christ is like a walking living gospel in the world what will we share who what will we do with our life are we open to surrendering our whole life to Christ and not just that part that's convenient but we'll used to render the pain will you surrender your doubt and your fear to Christ so he can make you new one of my favorite passages in the Gospel of Matthew is Matthew 11:12 it fires me up every single time I read it and it says in there from the days of John the Baptist until now the Kingdom of Heaven has suffered violence and men of violence take it by force what does that mean it means that heaven is not full of couch potatoes it means that heaven is not full of people who just happened upon heaven well this is a nice place I think I'll stay here do their place was very hot know what Christ is telling us is that there is a certain type of violence we must do of rooting out sin of asking Christ to come in and redeem us in those ways that transformative power that he has because we hit to fight for it you fight for what you believe and we love a challenge we don't want things that are easy it's in our nature to be Saints Christ has called us to that he has made us for more but do you believe it do you own a do you accept it and will you live it out in the world that those are the questions that you must answer and you can only answer them for yourself no one else will do it for you as John Paul the second said you are unique and you are unrepeatable your life is a unique unrepeatable expression of the gospel of Jesus Christ your life is a unique and unrepeatable expression of Jesus Christ there is nothing else that matters than that nothing you can learn as much as you want aye-aye-aye last year I graduated with my master's in theology I studied they read amazing books and wonderful things but at the end of the day at the end of it I remember one of my professors saying it does not matter unless you know him do you know him do you accept him do you love him do you experience that because it means nothing unless you know the person you preach about it means nothing if you don't love the person you preach about you see witness is so important your testimony is so important in the world because jesus's jesus is the very first witness he is the testimony of God's love for us Jesus is our witness jesus is our testimony and is called upon us as duties as as a duty as a follower of Christ to accept him into our life as that powerful witness and let him work in us in our hands and our feet and in our hearts to share his love and His mercy to all amen and then God love you thank you so much [Applause]

Channel: Steubenville Conferences

Views: 14,943

Rating: 4.9164181 out of 5

Keywords: Steubenville Conferences, Catholic, Franciscan University, Catholic Ministry, New Evangelization, Youth

Id: -VPcdnMO43o

Length: 58min 48sec (3528 seconds)

Published: Tue Sep 18 2018