Strip Club Stories w/ "Dr. Phil" | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

100% cheers all right guys here at two bears we are always we want to get better we want to learn we want to grow and we want to heal and we thought what better way to do all those things than to bring in an expert so sitting in with us today is the one and only Dr Phil appreciate it good to be here uh longtime fan first time uh caller nice to see you guys live in the flesh I've uh got some accidental dickpics from Bert uh through airdrop on an airplane uh which is how we met I don't know if you remember that I do remember that I was [ __ ] wasted yeah you were so was I I think that's I walk by and I'll go machine and they said sit down sir you're in coach and uh and then he was up in first and I sent a a vodka soda up there and you said I have my own now and I said okay humble BR have you had it I haven't and that's uh was my next question is uh I don't drink in the day a lot unless I'm going to eat my wife's [ __ ] but I would love have a taste sure of poor OS because I've heard nothing but good things how do you like it straight up or you want a mixer a little soda a little soda maybe a couple rocks can you pass me that glass sure if you lower your voice stop yelling at me Tom sorry it's okay now I know you guys have been friends for a long time but uh is there something you need to make a friend like do you need a connection do you need like a hobby that you both share you know I think so I think so too ber what's the first thing you uh if you could drop that louder time that'd be great B was there there a was there something you first saw in there we go y you're going to break the [ __ ] okay godamn it I'm having I'm having Fourth of July flashbacks when we have barbecues at the Phil House people get [ __ ] cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs I'm telling you oh yeah we got well first of all on my wife's side of the family there's always cousins that show up that I've never met they're looking to kind of you know squeak some some pennies out of the the Phil titty be tough you guys probably have they people climbing up the tree asking for cash oh Tom does Tom does Tom definitely does how do you deal with that because you don't want to be rude oh no Tom's rude yeah okay Tom's rude well share let me in on that because I'm too nice you know yeah you first of all you have a lot more money than we have so I think it's kind of a different how you tell from the way I walked in or was it the way that my zipper is is broken right now when I just peed in your bathroom I had to pull my penis over my pants true story I I don't lie both of those are dead giveaways of your network well so I I I I throw hundreds at the strip club people like to do ones and I'm not a big strip club guy per se but you know cuz I I talk to the girls cuz they're people you know they're lower bottom of the barrel people but but they're you know they're looking to most of them have kids you know whether they tell you they do or they don't they do you can look into their eyes and be like fifth grade and they go huh and you go that's how old you know Jacob is he's in the fifth grade he's like how'd you know I go well you got a tattoo of them on your [ __ ] and you know and my fingers is touching it so I don't want to say I'm a scientist I bet you'd be like [ __ ] you'd be like a wolf going into those strip clubs just going well my Heyday for sure one over there that's daddy issues yeah you can tell and look we've all got issues I talk about that in my book we've got issues okay so it's a perfect segue bro appr Jesus yeah well we've got Jesus we all know you can't read but that's that's not your problem it's our problem we got to figure that out together that's not soda water Tom it's okay that's all right it's the lemon lime that's the most popular one yeah and I'm a big Sprite guy okay good spider 7 Up sorry that's there's no story there let's go real quick spider 7 up would you like some or no [ __ ] I just spilled it on my pants sorry I got ner I am nervous I'm a big fan of you guys you know arguably the one of the best podcasts on the planet you guys uh I'm thankful that you guys joined forces cuz separately you're doing a lot of damage but together it's true all right well trying to pour you a compliment instead of just suck down your booze soft four heavy po heavy I'll tell you this B I'm a sprag guy over seven up but when Godfrey was a spokesperson for seven up that got me hard yeah cuz I love that cuz I love God fresa can uh can suck my ass that's fresa fresa is so [ __ ] good okay what about about delete my number what about Figo or would you call me I thought this was a children's show no Foo is not a drink but it is a choice of uh of living yeah do you like orange drink are you orange drink guy I love me orange crush yeah I'm like a soda for breakfast Guy soda for breakfast well you know I think that's what I said yeah I think well there's orange crush and then there's um sun-kissed yeah but you know there's been ties to skin cancer with sunkiss really well you can read about that in my book we've got issues chapter five soda and skin cancer they're connected uh in more ways than one but I think grape Sunkissed is I'll [ __ ] with that you know what would you do for a kond bar what wouldn't I do to a stranger for a grape sunkiss to start the day too yeah Frosted Flakes and a grape sunkiss holy [ __ ] try it out I know this [ __ ] will deepthoat some Kool-Aid but try try a purple Sun kiss I buddy I go I we had a we had a a take your time sound it out Jack in the Box there it is we had a Jack In The Box behind our house and I would go get 32 o diet grape fantas yep and I remember one time Isa said to me hey is [ __ ] green and I said yeah she goes it's the Fanta yeah Fanta yeah it it contributes to a a poor discoloration of your feal matter I'm going to take a sip real quick first hey cheers to you guys cheers to you hopefully new homies but I've been watching from afar and I dig it cheers you're going to have some too Tommy yep I love that here we go that's [ __ ] tasty where's my that's [ __ ] tasty cam right here I'm telling you this if you got a rainy day or even a sunny day and you're looking to take it from 5: to 10 maybe that fat chick's going to be a little late coming over to your house and you you got more time to fluff the pillows on the futon for her to sleep on so you want to you know fill up the downtime but fill up your heart and your soul we'll grab a nice cup of porosos you can mix it with just about anything except purple Sun kiss save that for the morning player Bottoms Up second time just as good it is the ninth at the end of the night's perfect too do you like shots of it better like if you're trying to tell the fans how to drink you know cuz they want to drink with you guys Tom do they do they want to drink with you more than they do with BP because they know you're probably not getting as [ __ ] up I think they think it's more of a rarity yeah so they get really excited when they to drink yeah like my fans will bring weed to the show do they yeah and uh I I don't you know I'm on a you know a decent amount of Edibles right now but I don't like to smoke in public because I got an image to uphold but I do like you know if Snoop Dog if Jo want to smoke you know I'd smoke with Joe Rogan I'd e you know I'd eat uh I'd eat just about anything with Joe Rogan you know oh he'll get you to eat anything yeah he does right I feel there's certain people that Co it Oprah when I first met Oprah what was that like bananas you know and don't cancel me I didn't say bananas cuz she's black but I but it was bananas is my new catchphrase when I get excited I go bananas Oprah yeah it's just it was B it's Bonkers is another one I go with that's another new one yep but Oprah is one of those people that doesn't feel real yeah you see her it's like when you met Brad Pit I'm sure it was similar yeah that was you can't believe you're actually you can't [ __ ] believe it is he as hot as they say dude he was [ __ ] perfect gor right and he 60 no he's not yeah he's 60 get the [ __ ] out of here I met him he was 58 it's it's who's more attractive Jason uh Aquaman or Brad Pit how you going to put me on also so many jasons isn't it funny that I went with mimoa cuz I could have said STM yeah or um Jason Patrick is an actor Jason Patrick gorgeous gorgeous gorgeous Jason baitman still B still got it yeah he still got it okay here's a fun game find a ugly Jason because so far we've said three hot Jason's Jason uh Jason the [ __ ] how I met your mom Jason um what about Jason who's that guy Jason the serial killer from the Friday the 13th still hot though Tom bad example oh [ __ ] Jason Jason bigs from American Pie he's good looking he's Gooding person he very good looking that pie no problem being penetrated by him no Jason what's the guy's name that showed his dick in uh Jason seag not more attractive now but not that attractive as a younger dude if you put him up against you know pit or or baitman now what did he say to you did he say something that like about you know your comedy that uh that you put in the spank bank the uh uh pit he um he said he was like there was a Laker game on in the green room and so we were just standing there there was music on and he was like so is this what you do and and I go what he goes like to get ready for your show I think you thought it was more like you're getting ready for like a play sure like are you I was like yeah dude we do like you going to rehearse your bitso this is show 175 of this yeah yeah we're good and he was like oh okay and then cool he introduced himself to everybody like you would I'm assuming you'd still say I'm filled everybody uh even though everybody knows who you are so he did that and everybody was everybody was geeked I mean it's was funny to be in a room with someone like that where you see everyone just kind of go like hi they're all so excited to so that was kind of fun and then I was pretending to not be I was like yeah cool man it's fun to but then I also you had asked me before who do you ever nerd out on I totally told him the story of uh when I was in Middle School and we would go to the movies all the time as a family or you know and my sister picked the movie that week which was A River Runs Through It uh was it a river runs through it that's that's no yeah yeah no no no Legends of the Fall of the Fall with Cruz Kidman Legends of the not no that's no no that's uh that's vampire no and Kidman is uh is thunder thunder shut the [ __ ] up Jerry Maguire 4 no I know I was Tom for a second yeah I was saying another movie that's incorrect but those are movies they're both in no kid it's not Last Samurai Kidman's got long ha they're in the [ __ ] Wilderness they're Irish and they they get to this country she's a [ __ ] and he's a boxer he loves [ __ ] no he's a who he's a boxer he's a a fist fighter it's it's it rhymes with Legends of the Fall or it's like does not rhy leg Tom I'm going to [ __ ] pour Osos on your [ __ ] this show is sponsored by better help we all carry around different stressors big and small when we keep them bottled up it can start to affect us negatively therapy is a safe space to get things off your chest and figure out how to work through whatever is weighing you down I know for a fact I keep a list of the things that are weighing me down and I bring that list in therapy and often it's the smallest little thing I'll give you perfect example someone would drive uh we a one-way street that we lived on and people would drive the wrong way up it and it would make me crazy crazy I talked about in therapy my therapist said to me um hey can you stop them and I said no and he goes then you got to you got to let it go I was like yeah what am I going to do pull a paint gun out listen if you're thinking about starting therapy give better help a try it's entirely online designed to be convenient flexible and suited to your schedule just fill out a brief questionnaire to get match with the licensed therapist and switch therapists at any time for no additional charge get it off your chest with better help visit betterhelp.com Bears today to get 10% off your first month that's betterhelp hp.com Bears one in five Americans have learned a new language on their bucket list if that's you make 2024 the year you finally check it off the list with Babel be a better you this year with Babel a science-backed language learning app that actually works don't pay hundreds of dollars for private tutors or waste hours on apps that don't really help you speak the language Babel's quick 10-minute lessons are handcrafted by over 200 language experts to help you start speaking a new language in as little as 3 weeks Babel's tips and tools are approachable accessible rooted in real life situations and delivered with conversation-based teaching so you're ready to practice what you've learned in the real world yeah that's perfect Italian here's a special limited time deal for our listeners right now get up to 60% off your Babel subscription but only for our listeners at babel.com Bears get up to 60% off at babble.com Bears spelled b a bbel / Bears rules and restrictions May apply what is it can we google some I'll Google it I'll Google it Tom Cruz far in a away far in a [ __ ] way boom see okay no that's not what we were [ __ ] talking about so okay so you saw Legends of fall [ __ ] has nothing to do with what I'm saying so I tell him that we go to Legends of the Fall and I was like I don't want to see this [ __ ] right you know he was like the cute guy that all the chicks I was like I want to see your gay [ __ ] movie and that like whatever an hour into that movie my older sister Maria leans over to me and she goes are you crying and I was like no you [ __ ] [ __ ] like and I was totally cry yeah at his performance Y and so I told him that I think he was he was amused by it um but that was it I mean he was super he stay for the whole show which is Al also a thing cuz a lot of times celebrities like yourself they go they come to the show and then you go where are they and they go oh they said they had a great time and they oh yeah he stayed for the whole show came back after the show huge could you FaceTime him right now absolutely not do you have his number no you don't have his you do have his number because you didn't want to ask for it or because you just go this is cool I don't need to be friends that's kind of how I am now once you get into your 60s you know B you know this you know where it's like you're how old are you Bert 51 I just found out I was 51 he just found out just what do you mean by that found out thought was 52 how do you forget who you are this isn't the first time this has happened yeah I this this is how you forget by the way yeah yeah wait so what is there a difference between 51 and 52 oh 51 felt so much better right especially thinking you're 52 yeah people say and not to name drop but Oprah said 60s is the new 30 you know and then I think Jennifer andon even said 40 is the new 20 but then it's like you know it's not but you feel good but you know but this is why people are getting so many surgeries OIC I don't support it but I I'm on it you know but I don't need it but I abuse it you know I don't love it but I can't stop that we're on te testosterone oh me too yeah yeah yeah I'll get a I'll get an injection uh just cuz I'm bored too but now does that help for the muscles or is that just all bow Flex this is all bow Flex this is push-ups I do a lot of prison workouts I do prison burpees have you been to jail no never been Ed well I don't believe you I've been I don't believe me either yeah you feel like a guy actually you know what you feel like a guy that that can uh uh charismatically persuade a cop to to let you go that's a big compliment I I did before you were famous I bet I persuaded a cop one time I know you did that's why I [ __ ] just said that b but tell the story please uh cops pulled up pulled up to our college party at Indian village and and I blocked them in with my car I pulled my car up I was drunk I pulled my car up and I blocked him as a joke as a joke and then the cop said I'm going to need you to move your car and I said uh I've been drinking and he goes what I said I just got a drink and he goes actually I can test your blood right now and find out if you've been drinking before this how about this how about we take you to jail and we'll find out if you've been drinking and I went excuse me and he goes he goes no it's a funny thing let's let get cuffs out let's and I go hold on I don't want to go to jail and he said no I bet you don't no one does but you're going to jail tonight you're going to learn a very valuable lesson son and I went I'll move my car right now I'm so sorry and he went why don't you go do that and I got in the car with a drink in my hand and I backed it up and I went I'm never [ __ ] with the cops again holy [ __ ] so he let you go yeah we tued at his heartstrings that's a big deal do you guys find in your life and Tom you can answer me first on this that that you find like you're getting more sensitive as you get older do you cry if your kids do something right B your your kids are bit older but Tom like and both you can answer this like yes do you find like they do stuff and you go goddamn like I didn't expect to be so emotional over that moment like you just [ __ ] on the rug but I'm but I still love you first of all but you know I'm gonna rub your face in it to teach you lesson sure yes but also old school yeah and I'm still I'm not a big fan of spanking I'm more like shove your head into the door you know yeah because it doesn't hurt as much a spank can stay with you for days you get smacked into a [ __ ] you know that corner the doorstop part you just [ __ ] you know it's a a quick impact and then you're back to reality you check your email 12 minutes later I body check my kids a lot cuz feel like it's a way to get out question yeah and they're how old again five and eight yeah that's prime age to get [ __ ] you [ __ ] them [ __ ] laundry machine yeah I was in a bar in New York when I was young the story get better it does all right and we were on coke and there was a girl talking wild [ __ ] and a guy put her her over his KN spank her and the whole bar went crazy it was [ __ ] like 4 in the morning it's called Mary lose on 13th and he pull her over the spender and was like [ __ ] yeah oh my God yeah she'll never forget that oh Mary was that Mary L redens in New York remember G [ __ ] hero she was bar she did not did sorry that was my attempted stand up comedy but what uh F minutes on Mary lay she had a bar she had one here and then one here yeah and she's swinging between them that was my attemp that's good yeah stick to the stories yeah now there is something to be said about drinking during the day that's more fun aru than at night yeah you know why is that everything's better during the day sex during the day is always better than sex at night I'll agree with that [ __ ] during the day oh out shine's a [ __ ] how about this [ __ ] during the day while she's driving so it's roadhead from the person driving yeah it's more dangerous very dangerous oh yeah I'm and I'm into dangerous sex stuff you know are you I don't think people would know that well they do know if you read my book we've got issues chapter nine is you got to you know take yourself out of your comfort zone get a blow job while she's driving wow a chapter about that it's a long title but but but what I mean by that is you know when you're in your comfort zone for too long I mean you equate it to stand up you guys right you go oh this joke maybe feels a little edgy cancel culture is an issue but also I think you guys rise above it but um I guess a a road uh [ __ ] is uh and I don't like to get them every day but uh you know I usually call the shots on when it's happening you do you just tell well she wants that from me cuz I I started off being a little bit uh passive you know and she'd have to wake me up and you know little finger little finger action I never was a finger in the butt guy until uh and stop me if this is too personal by the way uh but they but I think that you know a thumb is the quickest way to get me to go uh oh I guess it's time to get up you know uh but but a couple fingers lets me know that uh it's my birthday yeah how about toy you ever do toys up there yeah we've done toys wait sex toys yeah in your ass yeah no like slinkies do we ever play with a slinky down the stairs like in the late ' 80s did you ever do a a toy up the ass no I tried it's I tried with you you guys did some fun stuff we tried those butt plugs yeah a butt plug is kind of like it feels a little been there done that but also yeah I don't know like what you know it's not as good as the real thing you'd be shocked how how small a butt plug can't fit up your ass like we had tiny butt plugs and I and I it was honestly like trying to get into a club in New York in the [ __ ] ' 80s like it was it my [ __ ] was like no no no no no no no not with those shoes no and and I was and I was pushing and I thought he had already had it in his ass so I was like I know I can get St in my ass if he can get it in his ass and the point of a plug is well that makes yeah viated it vibrated to handle like a cork like a like a cork on the end so you could pull it out easy and didn't get lost in there yeah I don't the real problem with those they get lost you guys should know merch you guys obviously got the poror OS you got two bears one C merch is that do you ever think about do people hit you up with merch ideas like hey maybe make a bobblehead oh that's a good one yeah oh yeah the the the what are they called the keos fifos meos thinking all these funkos funkos fos fifos fifos imagine walking into a Funko store this guy you guys got any uh Vince McMahon fifo dolls now I did pull up some fun facts for you guys two be one cave is the name of the podcast and I wanted uh to see if you guys knew any uh thing about uh the name of your show the the creature that it's why did you name it that first of all uh I think we're two like pretty big hairy gay guys Bly men yeah we were fantasizing about what our life would be like if it was gay on on your separately in your mom's house like back when Red Band used to produce it yeah and we were talking about how fun it would be to be gay and we kind of lost Christina in the whole conversation and she was like then none of this sounds good Tom's like I'd come on all your food and i' be like I bet I'd like that yeah and then I was like I'd wrestle [ __ ] you and he' be like what I go I come him and I'd be like that does it got to the count of five closed my eyes and you had to hide then I'd find you and hold you down and [ __ ] you that feels like a lot of fun I think most guys fantasize about who their guy would be if they were gay right yeah yeah mine would be pit or Tony Robbins I want somebody bigger I think I'm definitely a bottom and Tony Robbins feels like you know huge yeah he he wakes you up he'll just mic tasting you bite your ear know your alarm clock those hands they're not even real oh and he puts his hand on the back of your head and he's [ __ ] you in the ass and pushes your face in the pillow and he's got that reach where he's still upright but his hands down holding your head shut the [ __ ] up yeah that's enough of that bird all right so there's there's a a couple uh so these are all true or false questions okay cool facts about bears true or false uh you guys both answer and at the end we'll see uh the winner will get a free copy of we've got issues available now uh where you know we've all got issues and I want to get into what you guys are dealing with uh later in the program uh Bears have thick layered coats true or false true true it's correct bears are big strong and can suck their own dicks it's true it's true correct you're okay two for two there are eight bear species in the world false false no it's true oh really yeah can you name them uh polar Polar black brown y Panda yep um barstein barstein Grizzly gum Chicago yeah gummy you get that's it I missed one I miss Leno Ryan oh Baron store there you go wow bears are allergic to Jews true or false that's very true you got it Bears can walk on their H legs true yep Bears have a high IQ false true false true true Tom did you answer I didn't answer go ahead true that's right bears are only gay on vacation not false it's true Tommy yeah you got it all right we're back on track tide score Bears can't laugh at racist jokes but they understand why they're funny true you got it um beloo from The Jungle Book uh mama bear from Goldilocks and uh uh uh dick butt kiss Mary [ __ ] kill those are three famous bears wow well what was the first one blo from The Jungle Book oh and the second one a mama bear uh from Goldilocks and the Three Bears you [ __ ] her I think so she's probably the most into it yeah I think you have to marry blue no you [ __ ] kill blue I think you kill blue because you married dick I think so he's got money and security be fun to listen to talk about football you he kills you though why because he's he's dick buckus yeah is he known for being an angry guy yeah he [ __ ] people up yeah of course I [ __ ] dick buckus yeah cuz I want to see him him rage what a great what a great name butt kid dick is your first name you hit the lottery as far as cuz and people can't tease you in school if well here's the thing they probably did they probably did tease you that's how you became that dick you want to kiss you on your on your butt dick he probably became who he was because of that name I think so yeah okay so a lot of rage teasing and then he enough is enough yeah I'm going to take this out on some uh on some running backs yeah there's some names that you see that like especially football players where you're like that must have been tough like there like anytime you see a guy named gay or doot [ __ ] yeah doot [ __ ] that one too yeah Florida State we had a girl in my high school named Michelle virgin and then we had a girl named Audrey citgard really K German yep aard K I didn't even know what a [ __ ] was but I was like this isn't fair g a r d and then we had a bch ho Vietnamese bet t c h hen ho o and everybody was like what up [ __ ] there your mom's a [ __ ] your daddy's a bit no your mom's a hoe your daddy's a hoe cuz that was her last name it was funny was 90 there so many college and pro athletes with the last name Gay and I always think that they're at that level because of their last name because there's no way you're escaping childhood no with the last name Gay and not having it fire you up in some way totally like there's countless ones I think so or the name IMA like any girl any girl named IMA oh [ __ ] yeah my wife's great grandmother no no my wife's grand grand a so her grandmother sister was named IMA and the and she came and sat had breakfast with me and the girls and they Isa sat down and they said have you met your aunt IMA and Isa said what's her last name and Georgia goes drag these nuts in your mouth I love your daughter that's so funny and you know yeah and that's part for the course if your name is set up for for punch lines you got to go with it you got to roll with the punches you got to go with the flow do you guys find as you're out there and you're uh dealing with the the do you enjoy the road life is it fun I love it I know yeah you guys do different things on the road right yeah oh very drastically different but I think that's let's let's play a game we'll say I'll say something one of us does on the road and you have to guess if it's Tom or Bert okay great okay sit in silence in a green room that's has a red light in it it feels like Peter your assistant no it's Tom okay he doesn't do anything in his green room he sits by himself with a red light on on like a sh light no no just like a red [ __ ] light laser no like we were in the hores houses in Amsterdam whoa whoa whoa whoa haven't been there Robin I can't Wink game time makes getting tickets for concerts and events faster and easier even if you don't buy tickets right away prices on the game time app actually go down the closer it gets to show start time with killer last minute deals Allin prices views from your seat and their lowest price guarantee game time takes the guesswork out of buying concert tickets it's kind of sweet where you can just pull up an event even last minute and you can find great seats just by using game time I've literally used this app and it's amazing save up to 60% off buying last minute for sports concerts comedy theater and more you can save money with exclusive inapp deals on select seats or save even more when you choose a section and let game time choose the seats 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cool calm l down Phil Collins blasting there were some double stuff Oreos not for him but I love treats and and so I get it it's a it's a it's a it's a preparation for the chaos you're about to jump into and then which of us you think has 70 people in their green room with full [ __ ] flood lights on which one you take shots with strangers cuz it's their birthday in six months probably this guy yeah I went into his green room before the show and I was like I mean I got so anxious I was like I got to get the [ __ ] out of here I walked into his room and I go get in the [ __ ] in my Green Room there's too many people in there sure my green room is [ __ ] sick yeah it's a lot of fun I've been there you guys up cheese you'd watch people go into Tom's GRE Jimmy Kimmel walked into Tom's Green Room was like oh I'm sorry no but they were like it's fun they're like I needed to get away sure and they just kind of sitting there quietly everyone smoking weed doing [ __ ] shotgunning [ __ ] seltzers do you have to get out of there if it's too uh like if Snoop Dogg walks in let's say Snoop Dogg Brad Pit and uh [ __ ] I don't know Cat Williams and um OJ pre pre pre pre- dead walks in yeah and you're like oh [ __ ] maybe I got to spark one up you know the same way that you're you know generously having a cocktail with me because it's my first time yeah do you do you give into peer pressure like that or you pretty pre show I wouldn't post show I would okay you don't like to be uh Buzz I don't like have any Buzz going before a do you want to be quick I just want I don't want to feel like I'm second guessing a thought I love that no I'll take one for the team yeah well Nate Diz came backstage and we and I don't normally drink before I go on stage he was like we do a shot I was like yeah and I didn't even think about it and I was like [ __ ] yeah let's do a shot [ __ ] love yeah you have to it's [ __ ] Nate Diaz Nate Diaz if somebody actually asks that pre-show I would probably give in too like depending on who it is yeah I would probably give in yeah there's there's times in my life uh definitely my kids as they got older and that's probably another thing right like as soon as you're two boys yeah soon as they're able to that's what we know so far right there could be he we've all had a past right sure my daughter's transition now I'd be so [ __ ] angry like I wanted boys but I don't want them now I wanted them when you were younger [ __ ] play baseball [ __ ] throw the football and yeah I was in Billings Montana once and uh I got a call from a girl that said it's me Denise it's yours and then her and her friend started giggling they hung up but she had my number so I knew that there was a chance it could be mine but I just started using condoms you know recently oh yeah I know it's better safe than sorry and all that [ __ ] but you know I think you know menopause is look you can when we do it on if you have a period and you can [ __ ] who you guys voting for I got another game I want to play wait who's running uh two of the same you know who it is they're not going to they're going to go with Biden I think it's going to be those guys again which is weird because you know I saw him eating an ice cream cone a video of it and he was blowing on like was blowing on his iam he doesn't know how ice cream works like it's too hot try to cool it down I was like this guy can't make choices he like you know and then then he fell off a bike America's funnyest own video style that sucked he just went happy Halloween and he parkour into the bushes but but then Trump you know selling shoes that are more expensive than Jordans yeah you got a lot of balls you got balls they're like $6,000 yeah not even Steve CER or Sasha vit would make shoes even vlah devot had some Yugoslavian cigarette sandals and they were like 15 bucks what a great poll that is Vlad deok was Yugoslavian yep but he's I have a you don't think I have a glow bird I got money too [ __ ] now I want to play a game called bird and Tom where basically I just see if you guys uh know this about each other okay because uh I like best friends I'm a big fan of that and it's cool to see people that know each other for so long that keep it crunk but uh but keep it but keep it doub in but keep it challenged right you guys it's tough to keep a working relationship and friend going this long you guys have done it by the way I know uh your intern Tanner said your shirt was too tight but uh I'm getting a half chub just staring at your left bicep BT the left one's my bat arm too is it weird to see him with M wh that poor Roo barcalona no but I'm [ __ ] up but but Tom what is h what is it about Bert's muscles that's new but exciting uh I mean all of it it is new and exciting I mean you know CU you had muscles when you were bigger right yeah but they were I was I was Stronger when I was fatter yeah Mass moves Mass baby Mass moves Mass I learned that through Tommy who is it Mass moves Mass you know so muscle all those big uh like the powerlifter guys they they all weigh like 300 plus pounds right because you got to be huge to push that amount of weight so he was he's a strong dude but um now that we can see the muscles it's very exciting your fans like it too it's also cool to wear shirts that fit yeah I don't wear shirts that's oh that's right my thing was that a uh now that's a confident move the fans go nuts for it do you think they go more nuts for that or your material hold that thought we'll be right back we'll keep it right here B I think I think I don't I honestly don't think I'd do very well with the shirt on that's true if I left my shirt on they'd go like this the whole time a come on they judge what you're doing I think that I think I I I know that one time I walked out forgetting to put a shirt on like I was just shirtless backstage and I started walking out on stage it was like two shows and I walked out shirtless and they went ohz they wanted to see they wanted to see it come off yeah yeah it's a cool move Tom is there did you ever think like as you're coming up you go maybe I need something like that I thought pants down was a thing for a while hold on Tommy had hold on there was a there was a Tom phase not everyone knows about where he was working on catchphrases oh my God I'm a big catchphrase guy so let's do this what was the catchphrase I forget it was like powpow or something pow pow yeah you deliver you don't remember that we were at the bray improv you're like I'm working on catchphrases what the [ __ ] joke precedes a pow He Man okay I'll do a talk okay here we go there's a guy I'll be a guy in the crowd ready I just uh read an article about a guy who has a tiger in his apartment in Brooklyn how do you get a tiger in Brooklyn pow pow hey there's still time to bring it back do the J you know the joke do the joke [ __ ] something about a tiger and pow po there was a guy with a tiger how do you get po pow is yeah still funny it's still good yeah I don't remember how it goes yeah it's almost like a Bart Simpson iara or OJ how long did I work on those for it was a while I I I love them in the back they just go like this yeah pow pow pow pow bang bang bang bang bang bang maybe that was it bangang that was it yeah that came off the tongue real smooth it did right Bang Bang yeah now would you do a little little you know Patrick sedy finger gun I mean I definitely feel like finger guns are the way to go on that remember remember the first guy that did that there was a time I think 80s Beach cops which I'm a big 80s Beach cop Guy this is great this is great keep going I love the I love the beach and I love the80s combine them oh man I'll suck your dick right here you know but the guys that walk around going like this there just was a level of confidence and Swagger that you can't fake cuz that's on paper a pretty [ __ ] silly move right it is anyone walks into a party going hey Skyler It Feels So natural coming from you like a Dr Phil just being like bang bang sure feels like if you don't mind if I can add that to the repertoire little bang bang little bang Bang Yeah I'll maybe yeah I'll plug Twitter when I when you're doing a threesome just little bang Bang Yeah little bang bang man who was the first guy that came up with finger guns when you think about it it had to be post guns obviously so when guns were cool and it must have been [ __ ] hilarious the first time he did it sure we like they're in a saloon in the wild west and he's like I'll see you guys later and they're like okay I it yeah you can't you can't do this I think even in a school it' be tough to do finger guns yeah you couldn't we there were like as a PE teacher wow you feeling it yeah that's that's the poor oo was talking I also had some mac and cheese in the car but there's there's a you can get the little craft Mac and the portable ones the the the on the- go craft mac and cheese it's a small you know how Campbell Soup used to do the drinkable soups yeah yeah all soups are drinkable technically you don't have to lie do you not remember when Campbell Soup was it was in a cup isn't it always in a cup I talk to you for a second Tom it was in a drinkable it was in a drinkable cup they're all drinkable oh yeah yeah I swear to god2 the soup was in a like a like a not a cup a um a beverage uh you container what do you usually eat soup with Tom a spoon very good so imagine not doing that and drinking it okay so that's what Campbell Soup used to do okay it was good remember that catchr Charlie Yeah Bang bangang Yeah chicken noodle soup bang bang so I would drink the soup and eat so it was that it was that but it was for the mac and cheese I'm a drinkable mac and cheese well not with that attitude say it was be right super it was really run down it was run down yeah but I'm not do you like runny mac and cheese uh I don't mind it it's like burnt toast I'll still eat it it's not my favorite oh I like burnt toast better yeah how burnt uh I like when it's a little burnt I don't know it's the same thing as like having like when your wife comes in and she doesn't look that great she goes do I look good and you go you look beautiful in your head you go you have looked better sure but you go this is my burnt toast moment of having sex with her and so I like burnt toast that way what yeah that's probably we could edit this out but yeah I think that there is a I want another drink I'm having a really good time yeah me too wait what are other things what are other things you could do that are like guns but in different parts of the culture you think there's like a knife equivalent or a bomb equivalent something about guns yeah a bomb well there was the yeah there was the well there's the mic drop but that's I do that sometimes if you're dropping a truth bomb right I used to do that on my show O let's do that like we had a young girl on the show and she was smoking a lot of pot MH and she said it was cuz her mom was doing drugs and I said and her mom goes well I don't think she sees me doing it and I go look at me [ __ ] I didn't drive 98% of the way to get 2% of the information and that's and then I took a commercial break cuz that's good TV yeah but I didn't want her to be feeding me [ __ ] when I ordered a salad does that make sense makes total [ __ ] sense I just came up with that you can laugh Tom it's all right there drive 98% of the way to get 2% of the information use it on your kids [ __ ] uh but but I I think that you know as as you as you get in someone's uh rearview mirror who's that for obviously that was a trick question I think he used his Bat arm on that for how's your arm doing Tom it's doing great it's doing great it is it's really doing well yes that's an an insane thing to come back from you guys have both had injuries right I got mine on a set of a movie major motion picture on the what movie there's a machine streamed on number one on Netflix almost a month yeah great movie there was a Allowed by critics so many things that were by critics is that what the right word allowed Led Led Led and louded the loud ones were the bad ones you've got an ability to say words that aren't real that sound like they could be okay yeah I can do that that's a great skill marence I uh that nobody knows that one that's not real indifference or deference like you know you defer oh yeah defer inder okay that's when you walk around with deference as your mode yep oper Andi yep I'm walking around with inder what's the biggest word you know Tom that I know yep that you use cuz I don't I'm not a big fan of people using big words just to sound smart yeah you know it's like just [ __ ] you know like bewildered you know I got a buddy that's always like I'm so bewildered right now go okay no you're not Tom chery what does that mean I like to get a little chicanery what does that mean little trickery okay little that's fun k kff oh that's when everything's got [ __ ] up right yeah it's like a it's like an insane like let's say Brad Pit comes in and he goes Tom I [ __ ] hated your [ __ ] set wow and you go Jesus Christ Brad Pit you're [ __ ] not like you are in the movies I remember when I watched far and away and cried and here I am or no what was it of the away that came to your quick this time I remember when I cried at your films and now I'm crying at the way you're treating me yeah yeah that's we're about to get in a Kur fuffle Oh I thought I thought it's like a scuffle but with Steve I guess I use incredulous I use incredulous I think you're wrong about what I think Kur fuffle isn't a isn't a scuffle well let's look it up fellas Kur fuffle is when you get confused and you don't know what to do and all chaos has ensued well that's kind of me right now there it is look at that a commotion or fuss especially one caused by conflicting views there was a kafuffle over the chairmanship right so so you and you and pit get into it right you get into the cockpit right try to sort things out that's a Kur fuffle you use Kur fuffle I try to but it's one of those words that again causes confusion like we're doing right now there's a bit of a Kur fuffle happening because of it I think so yeah I'm also uh trying to coin uh new uh new word have you ever submitted a new word to the to Websters never no but let's come up with new words right now it's a fun it's a fun time well I I like to come up with new like racist uh slang wow oh wait racist slang or okay yep okay I'm into it this feels like a bad game no no start okay we'll start with someone innocuous like innocuous like that's a great word yeah that that makes me think of um binoculars and then Oculus which I'm a big 3D guy you are you yeah I love I'll love nothing more than to smoke a blunt lie in bed ignore my wife put on goggles and go to the Prehistoric Age and fight crime that's oh you can you can select you can unlock players like you can in NBA 2k so I'll bring vlah devouts in with me and we'll go find some [ __ ] T-Rex you know yeah and just have ourselves a good time he smokes like a chimney oh he is the most Yugoslavian guy there like Bobby Lee you're like he's a k guy he's really Serbian who is VL oh Vlad Devo VL deok is is a Serb nationalist yep he a big fan of uh of Gab gabri Gabrielle PRP yep Gabriel Gabriel PRP yep you know who that is oh he changed the world he changed the [ __ ] world he that guy changed 19 years old and he changed the world as we know it he is the reason that our grandfathers died he is the reason the Holocaust happened he is the reason there is he is that guy changed the [ __ ] world [ __ ] you guys seen Oppenheimer yeah yeah yeah I just found out that was a true story Oppenheimer yeah I thought we were still talking about Far and Away did you like Oppenheimer I did I'm a big uh Killian Murphy fan yeah he just scares me right he does he just every time he's acting he's just like looks like he just uh you know just found out that you know Dolly Parton lip syncs or something or remember how Michelle Tanner was played by two people on Dolly part lip Sy oop we'll be right back honest bomb see that's what I would do on the show I go honest bomb that's what I was trying to tell you the mom goes I don't have a weed problem and I go you do this is what your daughter's picking up on are you are you picking up on what I'm putting down and then I go I think you need to uh put down the joint and pick up the responsibility and then I went honest bomb wow and we had a sound effect you know who doing honest bomb to me Bert yeah so uh I've seen on your tour bus there's a lot of uh alcohol but there's also a lot of fun yeah and they can go hand in hand and sometimes someone will be telling a story and you'll be locked in but then your eyes will just Dro right down to Facebook honest bomb honest bomb wow what is it about Facebook that sucks you in but also look Devil's Advocate maybe sometimes the person telling that story sucks at stories yeah so I'm going to go ahead and make it half and half as far as who is doing the the heavy lifting if you if you hear if you're on the receiving end of a bad story there ain't nothing worse Tom yeah thanks Tom Bert I I agree 100% what's the last shitty story you've heard where you're like I don't think I don't think I want to be friends with this person anymore I got one I got a good one we were at Korean barbecue and this guy was telling a story where clearly he grew up with more money than anyone we've ever met but he was trying to pretend that he hadn't so he could be relatable oh I love this guy already he goes I'll tell you his name he's [ __ ] awesome but he goes uh when we were growing up we had this uh person who you know lived with us and and worked in conjunction with us and was like and I said hold on did you have a maid and he goes no no no I go what color was she he goes she was black and I went you had a [ __ ] maid and he goes no well she like she was more than that and I go hold on how much money did you have and he's like this isn't the story and I wouldn't let him tell the story cuz I was like you're trying to paint around the fact that you had Maids growing up and then his wife's like he grew up with horses and I went what the [ __ ] and then I ruined his story it was a great story we never even heard the story I just was like I love that he was dancing around the fact that he had money growing up and then he thought that would bother us I was like [ __ ] tell me you're rich I don't give a [ __ ] I love rich people's stories rich people stories they're so much more fun they're so much more you ever heard George Clooney tell a poor story like when I was Kentucky when I was struggling in Kentucky the gra anomy or [ __ ] I don't know he was on Facts of Life he was on fact life and he was beautiful he he's always been beautiful he has always been beautiful when he got on ER that's that for me that that you know I was like er you mean erect you know penis you remember St Elmo was it St Elmo was the one Mark Harman was on who's Mark Haron the actor just kidding okay so a game I like to play called what if I didn't know who that was uh Mark that's a great game you know I used to do used to do in high school is I'd say like if I said a joke that bombed in front of uh there's a girl in my class named Siobhan right white girl but but always had a little like she did something when she started to develop boobs breast titties whatever you call them she uh she would wear a we knew what they were the first time breast titties Hawkers Hooters you're going make my mustache Fallout BT she would put a strap of the bra down her uh her titties and we would call it split in the difference but it was she had just starting to get boobs and it was a it was a tactical move some girls knew what they were doing she was like that strap would just go right down the middle and it would just highlight them even more so anyway sioban I'm painting a picture sioban I'd say something funny like or I'd say a joke if somebody was like you know oh I didn't uh I was late to class and I was like yeah cuz was that cuz you were you know trying to suck somebody's foot or you know I don't know bang bang you know and then uh and then nobody would laugh and then I'd go oh you haven't seen that and they go what I go it's an alpachino movie and they go oh and I go you got to get out more Siobhan so I basically act like it was a line and then make them look like a [ __ ] bril you can have it can I try it can I try it okay [Applause] uh hey uh I can't think yeah I know it's tough it's tough yeah well I mean I was so many bits going through my head right now but you're okay but they're funny bits it's got to be a not funny bit you know saying who's funny these days Dr Phil oh boy well you two are at the top of the game I'll be honest oh that's so nice of you I appreciate the uh the consideration of of even being here but who else do I like um katop is still pretty funny to me great but I've seen him for a while so it's like again you you're sticking with it cuz people have told him hey stop [ __ ] around with you know wind meals you know stop [ __ ] with your props yeah you're already named after a [ __ ] vegetable you know yeah you know di buiss over here so you know wait who's that dick buttkiss yeah yeah oh is it I'm doing your bit back like a B I like to do every now I love this game my buzs just kicked in keep going this is good yeah well um care more more comedians oh more comedians who else do I like um I'll say a comedian you tell me just let's just word association okay just one word I'll say the name of the comedian you say the first word that pops to your mind I love this we got some theme music for it perfect go ahead uh Jeff Ross uh bald Okay Kevin Hart uh enormous Talent yeah uh Sebastian what that was great that was really good uh uh uh relatable give me another one uh John mamy oh uh uh addict yeah yeah yeah but but but but but knew how to spin it into something positive really he took you know he did all the things that you you normally get in trouble for and turn it into a career totally I mean it's funny so he likable that's my word B yep you nailed it it's also very seldomly do you go to finish a [ __ ] s Jesus [ __ ] Christ we know you're Buzz kicked in but your attention span is decreasing by the minute truth bomb and we're back yeah it's fun to do isn't it pow pow pow pow bang bangang I do think that when people you don't expect to have drug problems have problems it makes you feel a little bit better about your life yeah it's almost like when you saw the Johnny Deb Amber herd trial you go holy [ __ ] yeah when he was like you know and he was so [ __ ] cool they were she was like he threw a bottle of Pino at my head and Johnny was like it was a point [ __ ] you know yeah and I was such a fan of the way he conducted himself great he didn't he knew he he's an actor but be he he was you know uh secure in the way that he was not going to be taken down and you know unfortunately she's a bad actress and couldn't pull through but Johnny also you know yeah we all have issues again you know and chapter 25 is about Johnny Depp really not about his issues about the second Pirates movie and the plot holes I found but but uh but I do think that there's uh I think there's something about you know reality TV you ever watch love is blind or love is deaf or down syndrome buck naked love or too hot to handle or just a tip or don't tell my parents or I thought you were wearing a condom or anal island or [ __ ] boat or fist or foot which is a fun one or my giant tumor on TLC ever seen that that's great great quick way to go [ __ ] at least I'm not that guy you know at least I don't have a tumor on my [ __ ] yeah I might have missed a Cable payment but I'm doing just fine what was the question Love Is Love is Blind no no what's the autistic One Love on the Spectrum love on the spectrum that [ __ ] shows so my heartstrings oh makes me think I should have dated more autistic women you should have they're [ __ ] so honest and up front I don't want to kiss you and I be like God we got that out of the way I'll just drop you off is that bad no that's perfect no it's honest and it's and and Truth is funny you guys know that B I saw you recently uh and you you told a story about uh uh your dog passion and it was it I I'm sorry to to bring it up but it's one of the best stories I've ever heard in my entire life and you said you're debating about putting it into something special but uh I just want to give my full endorsement that you should one of the best stories how do you craft a story both you guys you how do you keep an audience engaged usually Tom will come up with a story and then he'll run it by me I'll punch it up for him and then he'll tell it on stage what a great benefit yeah yeah it's really good how it works Tom will put a couple Jews in there yep sure oh yeah I love how do you write a bit Tom how do I write a bit yeah do you write on stage he drops bits that he's he's not telling bits in this special the one who's getting ready for that are my favorite things he's ever said and I go take it out the podcast it's so good leave it put it in and he's not telling those cool Oh that's oh that's great yeah you find moments on the show I'm sure podcast isn't that good because if we say something really funny we take it out and we use it we sell it to Netflix that's smart but that's a benefit no offense that's why you guys like other podcast they put all their bits in the podcast way way if it's good we take it out that's true look know you guys got the best art though you know yeah it's good set it's a great set it matters wait now tell me this though do you write I know some comments stage stage yeah do you go in with a little nugget yes yeah so you're like okay so like here's an idea yeah uh and I I start with like if I like I tell a story I like to tell the exact story what really happened you know you you do little exaggerations then you find what really connects and you you know you work on the and then you try to trim the fat so I always overt tell a story sure so it's too long there's too much information and you work on trimming it down Ron sigler's a good Storyteller too you guys all are in the same boat can I share my favorite bits both yours uh uh Tom you did a bit uh I think it's on the the album where you're doing you're dressed like Michael Jackson yeah pre uh pre Abus thrilled yeah yeah uh and it was such a great uh album and uh and you told a bit about I think it's a cousin who always has invention ideas yeah brilliant because that's based on it's a real story I know it is yeah yeah so you could tell yeah he was he was always saying [ __ ] like what if like you are driving and you could just like think a thought and then your radio would just put that on I was the [ __ ] are you talking about he was like you know you could really make that I'm like yeah if you were a [ __ ] NASA engineer dude like he always would just throw out these things so I just you know I mean you punch up the story it's really based on him that's so but and it's so relatable because everyone's got a million-dollar idea everyone's got that Shark Tank people see Shark Tank and they see the someone come in go hi sharks you know tired of being cold at night introducing the blanket and then they're like okay you [ __ ] my favorite is when those guys come in to the Shark Tank and they they tell them their idea and they're like and I'm offering you know 2% of the company for like $5 million and they're like so your company's already worth fcking 500 million what are you talking yeah they you haven't seen any little people on Shark Tank yet no that bums me out I'm starting to wonder why you know because they usually you think they don't have inventions well not where I was head it at all but yeah they might be tinier you think they IDE a world like this everything seems like a big idea to you like remember the first time you went to Toys R Us as an adult and you realize how small it was that's probably being a dwarf all the time yeah your perception's off yeah it is but a dwarf invention would be what they go in and go you know stairs and they're like who's saying that oh and then they look down and then they go hi sharks uh you know tired of not being able to reach the top shelf to get your Cinnamon Toast Crunch and introducing the uh you know the step the step stool but it's shaped like a pot of golden AR it has to be yeah so they can climb up leprechaun leprechaun's Oompa looma uh dwarfs who's the most famous uh half size oh leprechaun I think so Oompa loomas though got probably the most credibility but they're also like slaves in a way right they put in the hard work they did they they are they're the unspoken Heroes why didn't they ever kill Wonka there was like 95 of them cuz the real Wonka was actually they loved him right they revered him like he was like they looked up to him yeah I think they really did he gave them a place to make candy or whatever yeah but do they really love it cuz everyone goes like Brad Williams first time I met Brad Williams I go where the Skittles and that was disrespectful but cuz I didn't even introduce myself first yeah I just said where's the candy you tiny little [ __ ] you know thimble we laughed later but over text but he's over but he's a you know I just I assumed candy was a part of his world but he's like no it's just a movie you know mgu is not really Spider-Man kicking him in the ass waiting for candy to come out of his nose you must have watched the [ __ ] ring cam yeah I tried to but he's not a Pata as much as he dresses like one they got to be so pissed about like just elf calls oh we got to have Brad Pit run the 5K or Brad Brad Williams do the 5K either one it'll take him a day and a half boy that's a show pit vers what's 5K to Brad Williams it's got to be like it's got to be like a half marathon yep pretty much I've seen Brad run I played uh basketball with Brad Williams once how was that [ __ ] up his [ __ ] it was great he's yeah he's I mean he's got he can move around watching Brad run I once saw him on a um do you do a respect thing where you don't go for every block like do you kind of no I no I dominate really yeah oh I used to go to elementary schools just for a little mood boost yeah and just do full-on hat Billy Madison remember that scene where he's just swatting the [ __ ] out of those fat gingers you know yeah yeah yeah oh yeah who was a kid remember he grabbed his cheeks and he goes you know you don't ever say that again the kid was like I want to stay in school forever remember yeah yeah yeah yeah can't believe Bob Barker's dead yeah you know they just sold his house onay it's why right by no I'm thinking of Pat sjck he's not dead he's not dead he's dead no he's not tbec is dead Alex tbec yeah that his house is right by F the base of Fryman Canyon was it nice yeah what is no [ __ ] [ __ ] gorgeous it was [ __ ] gorgeous B just going to skip over my Jeopardy joke what is no I didn't I didn't know that's the show he hosted yeah you didn't know tbec hosted Jeopardy I don't they TC let me tell you one thing if I ever get cancer tbec is my you know knock on you know knock on uh for verica is that what this is sturdy table did Joe Rogan's guy make this yeah I think he did actually every time I listen to a Joe Rogan podcast he's got another friend making a table for him or a knife or a knife or a or a steak or a pipe or a pipe I want friends like that that just go hey you want a just Eli he would have been Joe Rogan's it's his his fans would have held up the wall in Game of Thrones I think so like they're all like know how to make things that look like that would be on the on the watch yep so Alex tbec hosted Jeopardy and when he got cancer towards the end of his life it was sad who that mac and cheese Oso combo is it's it's strong yeah it's strong like you remember when um when fzy bear first did stand up on The Muppet Show yeah and he crushed that's kind of how uh the same feeling of the oso the buzz I'm getting yeah yeah we'll keep it in but uh but what tbec did what impress me you know shanan Twain's always singing about that don't impress me much you know so you got a car who gives a [ __ ] you know it's like all right what was got a car a 2008 Ford Escape you [ __ ] [ __ ] still making payments on it right but don't impress me at one point she says so your Brad Pit that don't impress me much and I was like [ __ ] you'd [ __ ] Steve pit if he took it to the AL guard but my digress tbec when he got cancer he was always always shooting from the hip okay talk about a finger gun guy probably a finger guy too TC stri me is a guy that like he was like you know I'll take you on a Metro Bus we'll go to Santa Monica then Culver City on the same bus different route same finger inside you yeah remember getting fingered on the bus in middle school doing it I guess don't canc me roller skating ranks y are you finger why you're skating all right aollo Ono yeah really well no no that's impossible Bert no no I wanted to I watched couples hinger each other while they were skating while a couple skating and he'd have his hand in her pants and [ __ ] blasting her and I was like their parents aren't here no yeah no the parents yeah were favored on a roller skting rank you don't know your you don't have parents yeah and I'll talk about that in chapter 29 damn where are your parents you're probably getting fingered next to the uh skating rank but uh tbec uh I'll get this story in stay with me yeah the contestants were always so nervous around tbec because he had a lot of he's been on the show for 59 years yeah and so uh when they would do the personal information portion of the show uh where you're from and then the girl would go well I'm from a a Tacoma Washington and you go loser or something you know towards the end he was like cool [ __ ] story bro and then I remember one girl her name was like Mary and he goes Mary it says here you know he's reading his [ __ ] card he got a couple bullet points you know he didn't give a [ __ ] though cuz he's about to die and also he's been doing Jeopardy for 59 years you know the Daily Double I mean if he had to I I guarantee you TRC was like if I have to say congrats you found the Daily Double one more time I'm going to buy someone of the neck Chewbacca style so this girl she goes we just got married he goes it says here you just got married and she goes yeah we had a Star Wars wedding and she goes we had Stormtroopers dressed up uh people all our groomsmen and and and dressed up as Storm Troopers and the the girls the Bridesmaids dressed up as Princess Leia and tbec verbatim goes nerd alert and then moved on to the next guy and they kept the camera on the girl and she goes you know it just was like didn't know how to react and tbec cuz getting made fun of someone on their show sucks but especially he was a couple weeks away from dying spent a few of his last words to be like you [ __ ] nerd can you imagine dying having to hear about people's nervous stories on [ __ ] television yeah oh and she can't get you know she can't you can't say anything back to TRC cuz it'll scort you off the the Sony lot but but you know she was driving home being like I'll [ __ ] drive over there right now and give him a daily double I wonder how much they've paid for that house I want to see how much that house costs he's really into the cost of things well well when you look at some of those houses in California it's too much it's [ __ ] if he gives you his address right now do you look it up yeah of course yeah yeah you know I'll tell you story you got to edit his name out you got to edit his name out expensive house he G we were going to a a b football game and I said so do you want to pick me up he goes just come to my house I'll drive I went cool so I got his address and I first thing I did is Zillow it and it was $4 million and I went so I casually remember him saying he paid 8 million for this house but that's fine if you want to pump that's fine so I go to the house I knock on the door and from a house across the street two doors up here over here [ __ ] I go what are you doing he goes I'm not giving you my [ __ ] address you'll Zillow how much I paid for it I had already done it I had already done it already did it he s you another house he sent me to a different [ __ ] house that's psycho that's psycho and then he met you at that house no he just was waiting for me at is he was sitting on his front door waiting for me to go knock on their door holy [ __ ] I got a I got another game I'd love to play with you guys how how we doing on time by the way we're good we're good okay good what do you guys usually do here about an hour yeah about an hour a little more okay well let me get this game real quick this is called Tom and Bert do you know each other okay um favorite color Bert blue Tom what's your favorite color blue did you guys know that I did not know you I know you have blue blue eyes uh uh I didn't know that that was his favorite color it's my power color navy blue is probably my favorite color my toenails are painted blue when did you start paying your toenails uh well I started a long time ago but um I started doing it a lot more when I had girls yep yeah cuz it's uh yeah we'll come back to that favorite actor God I can't say Brad Pit you can so hacky no but it's it's up there I'll start it off I got it I got it go ahead wait let me guess you're never going to and I will give you I will actually give you $10,000 right now in real life if you guess if you guess and I I'll whisper it to Tom okay I have a joke answer and I have a real answer okay my joke answer is Rita rudner by the way you're close what's your real answer well now you're making me think it's Rita Wilson Tom Han's wife also that was a second joke man I'll give you H it's a man I knew that it's not Leo deare Rio uh-uh it's not Tom Hanks uh-uh it's not Denzil no could be Ben Kingsley no but it could be hold hold on hold on did you put it up somewhere hold on hold on hang on keep going that was a but it could be well I want this bad you know how many craft mac and cheese Portables I could buy please get this right God [ __ ] damn it I think I'm I'm now now my mind's all over the place you ever watch the Postmates driver try to find your house late night when you ordered a Slurpee because you had had too many Edibles if get and then he cancels and leaves a slurpie outside your house with a picture of it spilled on the curb you're so close you're so it's not Ben verine no [ __ ] I said Ben Kingsley and then you got all weird [ __ ] who else has Ben b b his name's not Ben I'll give you a hint his name's not Ben but you're so close who rhymes with Ben Kingsley you're so close you're so close you're so close we're playing wle yeah if it's not Ben Kingsley but you're so close how the [ __ ] is it not Ben or sound like Kingsley but it I keep Ben King cuz we were can I just give him a hint Martin Luther King no I'll give you the hint okay it's that they've worked together and so that's why he was thinking like as soon as he been Kingsley I yeah yeah oh [ __ ] well but that could be anybody yeah he's been a lot of stuff kingsley's been I mean calling fth is what I think but it's not that guy no uh [ __ ] um it's definitely not call [ __ ] Shakira leave here with $10,000 come on man this I know Tom I'm doing my best oh [ __ ] it wasn't P Diddy uh it could have been he worked with a lot of people that's okay all right final answer the [ __ ] I wish I could phone a friend remember Who Wants To Be A Millionaire where you could phone a friend that was always my biggest gauge of like that's how I know I still trust you and want you in my life CU sometimes you'd hear reg just being like all right we've got uh David on the phone he's going to call Sam in uh bourban California and then he called the guy and then the was like all right Dave uh what's the capital of Florida and the guy on the other line always like dude I don't [ __ ] know and you're like well you just wasted your [ __ ] life and your chance at 5 mil so I wish I could do that right now but I can't so if I can't say Ben Kingsley and I won't say Colin furth and I want to say Judith Latt but I think she went downhill after who's the boss [ __ ] not David hod Pierce not David Allen Greer not Tommy Lee Jones he's great though he is great I'm trying to name every actor Harrison Ford Josh hartnet 40 days and 40 nights of no [ __ ] and no strawberries they bought uh his house uh what's his name Alex tck's house for $8.3 million get the [ __ ] out of here on the corner of Fryman Canyon so every day everyone walks by your house cuz they go for a hike $8.3 million million how much did the Brady Bunch house go for oh that went for a lot somebody bought that I think like Lance bass bought it or something he did actually buy that y weird isn't it weird how how many Lance Bass facts you you figure did you have just roaming around he go to space I don't [ __ ] know don't look at me like that you think I just go to Lance bass.com every morning while I'm drinking my purple Sunkissed [ __ ] pervert all right I'm going to get an answer going here and I want to get it right Ben Kingsley we're in the vicinity we're rounding Kingsley Boulevard taking a ride down better [ __ ] be this street naked a sexy answer it's not P say pit I know I know you're a [ __ ] beast do it I'm gonna give you I'm going to give you a really I'm going to give you a really big hint I'm give I'll tell you the one I want to say he can still get 10 grand I'll give you I'll give you a really big hint I 100 bucks for hund for $1,000 that's cool oh [ __ ] for $1,000 a really big hint okay hold on we talked about TC Tom crew but I I want to take that off the table because I think it can't be something we've talked about you ready yep you're going to have to edit this but it's [Music] perfect Tom sell no [ __ ] he doesn't know I don't know I I I don't recognize part of me thought that was the Family Ties theme song it's my favorite it's my favorite picture which I've tried to crate 100 times okay how about this take it off the table I I want to get it though but take it off the table and how about just a nice dinner with you and one of Joe Rogan security guards I'm done okay best this is I will be using this in some sort of branding somewhere Ray Winston that's your favorite actor [ __ ] love that guy cool he's in the is he the voice of Arby's he's in the new gentleman he's in sexy beast I haven't seen either one of those [ __ ] should make it a sex answer and you Beast he said you Beast [ __ ] yeah I'm not Ben Kingsley you haven't seen Ben Kingsley and sexy beast when he go when he goes up to the [ __ ] the guy the TSA guy and he goes all right don't want to make an issue with this but uh I don't think all you guys are like this all you Spaniard but he touched me touched me in my front bottoms made me nervous so I sat down I L my cigarette I don't think you guys are all you're [ __ ] the best goddamn movie it's a [ __ ] great say yes Val say yes yes gal yes gal Val Kilmer's in it gal is his name's gal it's such a great movie and they just did a TV show out of it yeah and uh I'm obsessed I'm a big movie guy I just saw Shanghai Nights for the third time I just spit bodka all over my only jeans that's okay is that the brand name no yeah it's only Vans jeans only van jeans I bought them from an only fans girl only fans now that's something you want to talk about like I just chip my tooth no way no I didn't all right hey um hey let's go back to strip club what's it like to be you can we go to a strip club right now after this I'd love to oh dress like this can we all go to strip club I mean we'd have to leave immediately dude let's go to strip club you want to go strip club well what's more important this or that strip wait oh well this is yeah how about this TBD you're going to be in Los Angeles ISR is Christina cool with you going to strip clubs I don't know I haven't asked yeah I I don't really tellam strip call Club protocol cuz here's the thing I don't want I wouldn't go for the dance I go for the camaraderie yeah fun that's South Florida Florida is Florida is strip club energy lean understands that she goes no I get it you go you have fun with your boys you get a lap dance whatever it's fine yeah the lap dance Too is like can get aggressive it can get aggressive I remember I was in Alaska once quick uh Alaska strip club story yeah so I'm in Alaska I'm doing a conference go ahead Great American Bush Company no well maybe actually that's the name of it it was in uh uh was it Anchorage it's Anchorage there was a place called Coots it was a bar chilu Charlie Chu charlies's and I was doing a some sort of a conference there they took you to the strip CL I know the strip club oh my God this rules okay I knew we were esimo brothers and so they were legitly yeah we both [ __ ] in esimo so uh I went left chil Char is a famous bar look it up if you're around there go they've got like 19 bars one of them is called the bird room because it's where they like killed an ostrich in front of his family or something Tom will never go there in his entire life he will never step foot in no to Cho Charlie he will never go to CH Charlie it is not your Vibe yeah it's it's weird it's like a it's like a strip mall with a bunch of bars in it but it's got like a a fish stand the food's good there's just a bunch of bars one of them is like an earthquake hit the bar so the room is like upside down like peewee's Playhouse right minus the puppets from the bar they took you to the strip club from there yeah so pull pull up a video a picture of it Great Alaskan Bush Company I follow them on Instagram keep going so so I go get a fish sandwich they've got like a drive- through window in the bar Tommy and I go let me get a fish sandwich to go and I go put ketchup on it cuz I'm a [ __ ] freak and I'm eating the sandwich on the way over and I spill ketchup on my pants classic Phill okay ketchup drips right out of the sandwich I'm a little messy I got condiments on my pants that's what she said and there's ketchup all over my knees at the same time I go in the strip club gal uh we got about 10 minutes before shop closes up semi Semisonic is already in the [ __ ] playlist Closing Time some [ __ ] poor guys in the corner going hor and and I got this girl dancing on me and she's dancing she's doing a good job she know there's about s minutes left it's go time it's Kobe in the fourth quarter and she's going hard in the paint like Cedric sabalos in 1996 versus the Pistons and so I go okay let's do this she's backing it up fingering all sorts of weird buttons and then all a sudden she stands up and goes are you bleeding or she goes do you know you're bleeding and I go you know you're dancing right still I guess blood doesn't stop your [ __ ] you know agenda so then she keeps dancing over the bloody knees and then gets off and says you know that'll be you know two fish or however whatever their currency is in Alaska I paid her in [ __ ] you know cookies or something and uh she was big and so I gave her some treats I got up I gave her cash you know but it was dipped in Cool Whip cuz she was big and so I got into the cab and the cab driver swear to god Tommy goes I was a STP Club I don't know where he was from but I don't do accents either could have been Italian Japanese Jamaican and uh Rabbi so he goes where how's the CL and I go it was great classic case of the ketchup pants trying to make small talk he goes I've been there what what do you mean you've been there this is the first time occurrence but I guess ketchup pants dancing over bloody knees is a real thing at the Alaskan yeah full nude I I brought a whole bunch of people there on a work trip thinking it was just casual strip club where like topless and you could drink at the bar yep and the girl sitting next to me edit her name out was like uh this is full [ __ ] nude I was like what she goes I'm looking through this woman and the girls on all fours with their [ __ ] and I'm going like ah this was awkward I thought this was oh you got to edit this out too so in real this's real talk so we bring how much are we leaving in I'll keep it in we so we bring oh he looks like he's the son of a strip club you got to clean this up who's on the board on the Spectrum yeah and he goes they've offered me a dance I said I said you should got get a la dance he comes back he's like this sits down next to me I girl how you feeling he goes I'm so stimulated right now oh my God I'm so stimulated sounds like it worked I was like I was like yeah they stimulate you I guess you didn't come did you he goes no but I this we should leave those strip clubs could to be [ __ ] wild you can spend a lot of money in there I used to see in Los Angeles uh not Dallas Reigns who was the black guy with the fro Dallas Reigns remember there was a weather guy no Sports guy yeah for K kcal9 black guy with a fro you know that guy yeah I know that guy oh man I it was one of the first celebs I met in La when I when I went to a a setup shop there and uh it was at the Rhino downtown you know where that is the Rhino SP Rhino one of the better strip clubs in Los Angeles and he was sitting in the corner in like the VIP Booth the Champagne Room and I walked by and I gave him there he is Jim Hill slippery son of a [ __ ] [ __ ] yes he's the sports guy yeah oh he's the sports guy he knows how many rebounds Tom Chambers got and how many kids Denise has so I'm just saying he knows stats on strippers and athletes so he's in the corner shooting me finger guns and I'm just avoiding eye contact because I don't want him to see me there cuz it help you know how do I know he's not going to talk about me on the 10:00 news yeah yeah yeah in other news Dr Phil's you know getting a hand job from a you know two-legged cinnamon twist some of the strippers are crippled in real life you can edit this out forgot it was Dr Phil he said Dr Phil I go what the [ __ ] and I go oh yeah oh [ __ ] I [ __ ] wasted we should go to a strip club let's wrap it up let's go to strip club how do we end how do we end strong uh I mean we did the game I mean um we I mean we could take a shot um let's do a shot we could do a couple more questions but um no it's it's hard to top that I think that's great this been a great episode yeah how does this rank for you guys oh man pretty fun this is so [ __ ] fun come back any time uh I do want to say uh uh Bert you're going to uh be a guest on the doctor for live show in Los Angeles with The Comedy Store Netflix Netflix is a joke and we're going to live stream it tiet to drfi live.tv Dr Phil live is uh at The Comedy Store is streaming tonight tonight yes go by tickets drfi live.tv and all the episodes are on YouTube uh wait is Dr pimple bobber going to be there pimple bobber's going to be there and the goooo dolls Johnny resic is going to be there are you being serious yep I know you know her I love her me too uh she will be cutting she will be cutting off skin tags on me live I can't wait tell her to bring her tools I cannot wait she's already bringing them she told me I'm bringing my tools and I said I'm bringing my toys so let's have a sword fight aw bang bang uh Winnie cummies Nikki Glazer done it Matt R Santino Bobby Tommy I think think we're we're you know we're talking about a day coming up with you with you as well and uh it's a lot of fun they're all on YouTube check them out no it was a joy to have you here thank you for coming it was appreciate I think we learned something we had a lot of laughs and I got to be honest I don't want to just throw a [ __ ] in your Happy Meal but uh this is just sorry I'm trying to you ever just try to coin phrases that aren't phrases yet people know I'm not down with that you know but it's you know I don't want to I don't want to put another Jew on the fire but yeah yeah well mine was a little safer but but this is H the best vodka I've ever had I appreciate yeah hey pour me and Os that's what she said we'll be right back thank you guys Tom and B one goes top while the other wears a shirt Tom tells stories and Bs the machine there's not a chance in hell but they'll keep it clean here's what we call two bears one cave

Channel: YMH Studios

Views: 797,189

Keywords: ymh, your mom's house, your moms house, tom segura, christina pazsitzky, christina p, mommies, jeans, up, high and tight, what's with the jeans, denim on denim, podcast, Dr. Drew, Pinsky, After Dark, DDAD, DrDAD, Dr. Drew After Dark, 2 Bears 1 Cave, 2B1C, Bert Kreischer, Danny Brown, Danny Brown Show

Id: ABY4g74X4ac

Length: 83min 24sec (5004 seconds)

Published: Mon May 06 2024