Joyce Meyer - Marriage Sermon

[Music] enjoy your time with us we're going to be talking about marriage and relationships and basically the marriage relationship and you know some of you may not be married but to be honest even if you're not married sometimes the best time to get teaching on marriage is before you get married because a lot of times people don't think about that and then they have all these problems maybe could have been avoided if they would have done a little more studying before they got into the relationship and so I guess I'd like to just open with this statement relationships can be very challenging can anybody say Amen and especially the marriage relationship can be challenging because you're with that person all the time and going to lunch with a friend is quite different than being married to somebody for 50 years and Dave and I have been married 50 years and I can say that during that period of time God has changed me a lot and it's probably a good thing because if I wouldn't have let him do that I probably wouldn't still be married today and so I want to start out by talking to you about what are your expectations when you get married if you're not married yet what is it that you're expecting or if you are married what do you expect from the person that you're married to I think one of the things in our lives that gives us a lot of problems is just have an unrealistic expectations you know when you're expecting somebody to give you something they don't know how to give you are to maybe understand something about you that they could not possibly understand especially if you're expecting somebody to make you happy all the time and I do think a lot of people when they get married they get married with the idea that now you're going to make me happy all the time and first of all you know some of the things that you feel when you're dating somebody is totally different than the way you feel you know after you've been married for a while and so there's a lot of excitement and goosebumps and all those things you know it's it's it's almost like you know the chase is different than when you actually get what you want for example I didn't know when I married Dave that he played golf I didn't even know that and of course you've heard all my golf stories my funny stories I mean I didn't I didn't know that he was as crazy about sports as he is you know that those were not he wasn't focusing on that at that time he was focusing on me I was like the only the most important thing in his life however we'd been married about a week when he told me that he was going to go out and hit shag balls which that happens to be what guys that are serious about golf do to practice while his whole family was coming over to see our new little apartment and because of the way I was raised I wasn't really comfortable with the whole family situation anyway and so I couldn't believe that he was going to go out and hit check balls and leave me there to do all this work by myself thus we had our first argument over golf and it certainly was not the last but it was the first and I just think it's interesting as much as he loves all kinds of sports and especially golf that we got married and I didn't even know that he played golf so just trust me when I say you are gonna find out some things after you're married that you did not know before you got married and that doesn't mean they're all bad you'll find out a lot of good things too but do as much as you can to get to know as much as you possibly can about the person that you're going to marry before you get married so what are you expecting from your relationships this works also with friendship but we're going to talk mainly about marriage today what are you expecting are you expecting this other person to keep you happy all the time well you know it was a great day for me and I'm sure for Dave when God spoke to my heart and instructed me that I was to stop giving Dave the responsibility of keeping me happy he said your joy is your own responsible it's not somebody else's responsibility and I do think in relationships that we really think this other person is supposed to keep us happy all the time they're supposed to make us feel good about ourselves all the time but to be honest if you don't already have a sense of confidence if you don't already feel good about yourself then there's no human being in your life that is ever going to be successful at making you feel good about yourself all the time and I can tell you it wears people out being married to somebody that is extremely insecure can just absolutely wear people out because if you don't feel good about yourself if you don't have a sense of God's love and and who you are in him and if you don't know how to be an individual then you're constantly looking for somebody else to make you feel good to make you feel successful to make you feel confident to make you feel secure and it's like you're expecting something that they're not gonna give you because to be honest no matter who you marry now I know this is going to be shocking but I have to say this they are not going to be focused on you all the time isn't that surprising they they don't have you on their mind all the time they're not going to be focused on you all the time but when a person is really lacks confidence like for example if a woman is insecure and she makes a new meal if the man the kids whatever don't rave about how good it is she's gonna automatically assume that it's not good and they didn't like it you know were a person who has confidence they taste it and say this is really great and they don't they don't necessarily have to have somebody else confirming to them all the time that everything they do is good that doesn't mean that we shouldn't compliment each other but if you have to have that then it's kind of equivalent to a drug addict needing a fix it's like you constantly expect somebody else to fix you to keep you fixed all the time and it just wears them absolutely out so are you expecting the person that you're married to to always be there for you when you're hurting to always understand what you're going through let me tell you something there's only one person that can ever understand any of us and that's Jesus and I am grateful that the Bible says that we have a high priest who understands it goes on to talk about our weaknesses and our infirmities but he understands each of us in our own little brand of weirdness and trust me we all have a certain amount of that and so I guess one of the things that Dave and I had a number of arguments over over the years was I wanted no matter what I told him I was going through I wanted him to sit and listen to every single solitary word and I wanted him to understand but he didn't and most of us know very few men understand women anyway I mean women don't even understand themselves and so you know but you can at least go to another woman and say my hormones are all off today and and they get it it's like oh man I know how you feel what you tell a man that and he just thinks you you're what what what is that you know and so I I've told Dave and over the years it's become a joke I said I even if you don't understand please tell me that you do because it's going to make the rest of the day go good and so now it's like a joke no matter what I tell him he'll say I understand and I'm like no you don't but it sounds good anyway and so I mean don't you think that a lot of times that's we want to be understood we want to feel like that people really understand what we're going through but to be honest I mean I was even talking to somebody this morning I'm like you know I never ever ever would was bothered with seasonal allergies until about three years ago well when people tell me they were suffering with allergies it just went right over my head you know but now I get it because I have it and so you really can't totally understand what anybody else is going through if it's not what you go through amen so the next thing I want to say is always interrelationships at every relationship with the idea of giving rather than getting and the thing is is our mindset the direction we set our mind in has so much to do with the way things turn out in our life I'll give you an example I said to Dave I know your two ago I said cuz I know how much you know he enjoys playing golf and you know Dave is very healthy and so but that's all good but I said how do you think you would be if if you ever for some reason got to the point where you couldn't play golf and I thought the answer he gave me really describes my husband very well he said well I've actually already thought about that and I've set my mind that even if that happens I can still be just as happy as I am right now and see we all need to have this mind set that my joy is not dependent on how you act because if it is now I'm codependent on your behavior and so we're we're easily controlled by whatever's going on around us because to be honest we have no control over how somebody else is going to act all the time I can't control how I mean I thankfully Dave is very stable and so that's been an extreme blessing to me in my life because I grew up around people that weren't stable but if I was married to somebody that maybe had more ups and downs you know then I would have to make my mind up first of all it's not my fault because a lot of times if people around you aren't happy then you take the responsibility of fixing them and boy that's another whole nightmare all on its own and so I just had to learn that I can't give somebody else the responsibility for my joy and we need to always make sure that we know who we are enough that we're not going to be codependent on somebody else and take responsibility for what we need to do can anybody say Amen or old me here so always interrelationships with the thought of giving rather than taking and basically to tell you the truth every single day of your life every day I did it just this morning you know because we all have a tendency to be focused on us what can you do for me how can you make me happy how can I get you to do what I want you to do can we eat where I want to eat you know on and on and on and so I make that a habit I don't say that I do it every day but I spent time this morning and not just because I was coming in here to teach on marriage but I I purposely set my mind to be focused on what can I do for other people they because I've learned that if I'm focused on me I'm not happy and so the way we set our mind the direction we set our mind in is very important so when you get married if your mind is set and made up that this person's supposed to keep you happy all the time well you've just already signed up for a disaster but if you set your mind I want to give you know I want to make this other person happy what can I do for them that will make them happy and if you do that then the very act of giving gives joy in your life where if we go at a relationship with what can I get what can I get then every time we don't get something we're unhappy and so you know Dave is not a man that requires a lot he's a very stable man he's very happy but I don't care who you are you like it when people give you what you want and so it's important to learn the person that you're in relationship with and what what actually are are they motivated by what blesses them my husband loves peace if you keep it peaceful Dave is happy he doesn't like arguing he doesn't like complicated discussions he doesn't care about getting real deep into every little feeling that somebody has and what's going on now I could sit and talk about that stuff all day but that's not him Dave wants peace so I purpose to try to give him peace and I know that Dave's love language is time so if he's trying to tell me something and talk to me about something even if it doesn't interest me I'm still learning and I'll say still learning because it's not my number one gift I'm still learning to really listen and pay attention where I love it when he does things for me like he does the dishes almost every night and I love that so you have to kind of stop trying to give people what you want and what you like and just be in the relationship for what I can get but actually the whole act of love which we are commanded as Christians to do is to think about what can I give you not what can you give me and so then the selfish nature says well then what's going to happen to me well then God takes care of us so let me just say now after 50 years of marriage I can tell you and I I feel very strongly about this I don't think the way the world is today there's much hope of anybody getting married and staying married very long if you're not going to be committed to doing things the way that God would want you to do them and sadly a lot of Christians aren't you know just because we go to church doesn't mean that we're saying yes to God on a regular basis and so anybody who will commit to doing their part to do what's right before God God will reward you and there's a much greater chance that he will make the changes in the other person that needs to be made if you just do what's right before him and stop trying to make the other person give you what you want so interrelationships with the thought of giving not getting make sure you have your mind set in the right direction you know as well just set your mind and say you know I'm not going to get my way every day and I can be happy anyway instead of thinking well if I don't get my way then I can't be happy Dave and I are going out to eat today after we're done here and and where I wanted to go he didn't want to go and where he wanted to go I didn't want to go and I can remember when that would have ruined my day and just you know I mean that wouldn't have ruined my day I would have ruined my day because it's my decision whether I want to get unhappy or not and so you know we just picked a place that we could both put up with it's probably not my favorite but you know what I have learned there's nothing worth losing your peace over there's nothing worth losing your peace over and I guess if I would say anything if I could come up with just a couple of things that have really helped me personally over the fifty years Dave and I've been married it's being committed to peace and not making a big issue out of little things that really don't make that much difference I mean it's one lunch it's one meal I mean if I don't get to go where I want to go it's not really worth being upset over and not only that most of the time they will take me wherever I want to go but today where I wanted to go is just not a restaurant that he really cares for well you know the natural well I don't know it I mean the food is good they they have he's like I don't like it and so then where he wanted to go he said well it's a great restaurant how can you not like it I said I don't like it we just finally picked a place that we could both decide to do right next big mistake you can make is planning to try to change the person especially like if you notice some things before you get married and you're thinking I can change that well I'll work on that well let me tell you something I tried every way that I could try to get Dave not to like sports no reason other than selfishness I didn't care about him I didn't grow up getting to do any of that my father never liked any kind of sports we didn't have them on television we didn't go to bummy none of that was part of our life and so it's just not anything that I really I'm going to put my time into so I didn't want him to like it but I can tell you the truth the more you try to get somebody not to do something the more they're going to want to do it I mean that whole principle is found in the Bible about the law that's why the law caused people to send more not less and God did that on purpose to show people that they needed a savior so the more you try to make somebody not do something the more they're probably going to want to do it and actually today Dave loves all kinds of sports that he didn't even like when we got married I mean he's added things that he doesn't even play like now he watches tennis all the time he doesn't play tennis you know he'll watch a bowling tournament on TV and I you know that has nothing to do with anything but you know what now I'm just has nothing to do with anyway what I'd like him to be interested in but I you know Dave is not he's not a real aggressive man his personality is not real aggressive he always said you're always ahead of God and I said yeah and you're 10 miles behind him and so here we have these two people that are married and I'm just real aggressive and he's not as aggressive and so I tried to get him to be more aggressive and I would I would say to him you know you need to be more of this and you need to be more of that and you know how awful it is how it makes a person feel if you're constantly giving them messages that they're less than what you want them to be you need to be this you need to do that especially if it's not something they even know how to do and I'll never forget the day he said to me he said you better thank God that I am the way I am because if I wasn't you sure wouldn't be doing what you're doing and so I just want to remind you today that there's a really good possibility no matter what you think that the person that you married is really perfect for you I didn't expect anybody to clap but that's you you can't pressure somebody to be something that they're not now you know what we focus on is what develops more and more in our life so if I focus on what I don't like about somebody then pretty soon that's all I see amen but if I focus on what I do like most of the time you'll find out no matter how bad you think your relation is most of the time you will find out if you focus on what you do like there's probably a lot more that you like than what you don't like I love the fact that Davis peaceful I love the fact that he's easy to get along with I love the fact that he just lets me be me if I went to Dave and said what which I've done like what would you like to change about me you know if I if I could change something what would you like me to change so you could be happier he said nothing I like you just the way you are and so if you would ask me that question thirty years ago I probably had a written list already I mean cuz I can remember times when I sat down and made a list of everything that I thought Dave needed to change for me to be happy well I know that there are things I mean Dave couldn't possibly like everything about me I know that because I already know what my weaknesses are and some of the things that nobody would want to put up with if that was all they focused on and I know that there are things about Dave that I probably don't care for but to be honest if you ask me that now I would have to think a really long time to come up with it you know why not because it's not there but I don't focus on it and so if you think about like a say a Polaroid camera I could take a picture of anything in here today that I wanted to depending on where I focused the camera and then whatever I focused on would develop in my life and I'm telling you the truth I've been thinking about this a lot lately what you focus on you focus on your problems pretty soon you're gonna think that you've got the worst life in the whole world because all you're gonna see is your problems but if you focus on your blessings that gives God an opportunity then to work on the problems and so if you're in a relationship with somebody and they do a lot of things that you don't like pray for them pray about those things and make sure when you pray that you do it with an attitude of humility I never go and say god this needs to change in Dave I'll pray more like this now god I would like this to change but maybe it's not even the problem I think it is it may just be my attitude and so first of all I want you to change anything in me that needs to be changed and if this is something that needs to change in Dave then I'm asking you to change it and to help me focus on all the good things not on the things they're an issue and so if I would tell you two things that I think has probably helped me in my marriage with Dave more than anything it's number one to focus on the good things and not focus on everything that I think is wrong to accept him the way he is and believe that God has given me the right man for me and I I know that now I didn't know that in the very beginning and then the other thing that that helps me oh this helps me so much is I am committed to peace I mean I'm really committed to peace now I'm not going to just let somebody walk all over me to have peace I'm not going to not confront things that I feel need to be confronted but I'd like to leave you with this thought this came to me this morning the next time that you think you want to talk to somebody about something that you think is wrong with them before you do it pray and ask God if it's something that he really wants you to talk to them about most of the time he's going to tell you to deal with your own self and leave them alone now there are times that we need to communicate with people about things that they're doing or not doing that you know maybe need to change just out of respect for proper kind of relationship but even then I don't think you ever should just go talk to somebody because you want to talk to him are that you should just don't we're gonna talk about this right now right you know doesn't matter to me if you just got home from work and you're sweaty and tired and had a rough day I've been in traffic for three hours we're going to talk about this right now well you're not going to get a good answer so if you do need to talk about something the best thing to do is to pray about the right timing pray if it's something you really should talk about and if it is then do it with an attitude of humility and then God can get involved and do what needs to be done here's the bottom line what sense does it make to be in relationships up with somebody that you have a sour attitude about that you have all these negative thoughts about that you're miserable with there's no point in spending day after day after day like that and there's ways that we can change it let me just say this I believe that because of our relationship with God we're powerful people we're not powerless people we are powerful people and a powerful person doesn't give somebody else the responsibility for making them feel secure and making them happy all the time you can receive the power of Jesus into your life at any given time to do what he's asking you to do and not have to just do what you feel like doing so let's be committed to having good marriages don't ever have this attitude well if if this continues I'm out of here because you've already got your mind set in the wrong direction and you're waiting for this person to do one more thing that aggravates you so you can then have any excuse to leave what you need to say is I'm committed to this there's no way that I would leave unless God Himself told me to leave I'm going to do what I believe God wants me to do because when our time here on earth is over I'm only going to answer to God and I'm only going to answer for me [Music]

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Views: 39,246

Rating: 4.9162478 out of 5

Keywords: #marriage, #Joyce, #Meyer, #relationship

Id: 0wHq9BCvqsU

Length: 26min 53sec (1613 seconds)

Published: Wed Nov 20 2019