Britney Spears Book, Jiujitsu, Black Ventriloquist, Josh Johnson - Comedy Cellar - Standup Comedy

[Applause] cool how y'all doing everybody good all right sweet sweet um I I am not I I've been freaked out about getting older cuz sometimes you haven't changed you know you're the same as you've always been but it's your friends around you it's like your peers doing grown [ __ ] that makes you realize you're getting older like my buddy bought a house and I had to be like hey hey hey we don't do that all right my friends had a baby they were so excited they were the first in the friend group to have a baby but they were so excited that they sent me a picture of them in the delivery room with the dad cutting the core and I was immediately upset like in my head I was like why do we even let him do that think about it this dude is cutting the Finish Line tape on a race he didn't run this is why mil for all the labor he was just standing there then the last second he's like I helped it's like it's not the same at all she's been screaming for hours the very end he's like me too girl [ __ ] we did it all right no I'm terrified of having kids cuz kids are creepy you know you know kids creepy nobody teach them how to be creepy and they're still creepy which means it's an a you know anybody here who's met baby sat a five or six-year-old had that kid under the right lighting look at you but do this like who is this for who taught them this they'll just stay at the end of a hallway and taught you like the shine be like hi kids whisper at night have you heard you can't get a kid to whisper during the day and then at night they're like I had a bad dream get out of my face get out of my face get out of my face right now don't touch me all right it's creepy as hell I'm terrified to be a dad cuz I'm a dad I'll be tired being a dad makes you tired I'll be Dad if I tuck my child in I go to my room to rest my head on the pillow to get some Christian sleep I going to be woken up in the middle of the night there's a monster under I'm hitting them I'm hitting them immediately all right I'm waking up swinging this is the only situation where I feel like you got to hit your kids cuz it's self-defense okay you're not going to roll up on me in my sleeve Doing Hard Ence like that you know just in my face in the middle of the night I couldn't sleep you about sleep forever I promise you get away from me don't touch me terrified I've been very excited very very excited for October 24th just not able to wait sleepless nights getting ready for October 24th if you don't know October 24th is when when Britney Spears book comes [Applause] out my man like this this is the thing this is the thing I I'm fascinated I wasn't even like a big free Britney person I'm not into pop stars that much or anything but Britney Spears is one of the most mistreated celebrities that we have in modern times all right and there's a lot of people if you do them wrong they try to get back at you immediately right you do them wrong they key a car they go on Instagram live talking about oh you know she didn't do that she said you know what I'm a wait I'm a wait like two decades and then one random day in October I'mma dance with knives I'm going to write a book and wow yeah amazing apparently like so there's there's a lot of Revelations in the book but one of them that that really shook me was that she had uh a wild fling with Colin phell right and it was after her adjustin broke up and everything and I can't I can't remember exactly how she described it but the words used in the book was like the the fling was nothing less than just a sexual brawl that those were her words I've never had had sex so good somebody wrote about it you know I mean that's and the fact that she was like it was just we were just at each other all the time it was just the passion was like a street fight I was like God damn got to step my game up I I love doing comedy cuz I I love making people laugh when you laugh you you're letting yourself be yourself you know when you're genuinely laughing you're not thinking about anything not feeling pain you're just enjoying yourself you know and I was also love doing comedy because I'll say the thing that we all think but you're not supposed to say you know what I mean like y'all won't say it cuz y'all are good people in fact after I'm done you might leave and be like I would have never said that and you're right that's why I say it it's like my job to say it I'll give you an example right now I hope everybody that I love dies in the order I love them that would be that would be incredible that would truly be fired don't act like y'all have rankings don't do that there's a couple you know I got a family member she love to call me to tell me who died that's all she she call me and she doesn't care as soon as she knows I know she'll call me in the middle of my work day it'll be19 on a Wednesday can't wait calls me up are you sitting down are you sitting down always means dead by the way that's not you're not being mysterious I'm not like well what like it's no it always means dead no one's ever like are you sitting down cuz you just won the lottery it's not happening no are you sitting down and so I'm like just tell me who who it is and she's like your cousin Willie and she doesn't know on the other end of the phone like oh thank goodness okay cuz she know Willie not even in the top 30 all right like Willie can go okay this could have been a text message if I'm being honest with [Laughter] you hey you know what that that's other thing too Willie wasn't even dead right I know for nothing Willie Willie wasn't even dead basically Willie was at her house and he he ate a bunch of the grown man by the way ate a bunch of the Melatonin gummies thinking they were regular gummies so he snacking on these gummies while he watching NBA draft and put himself 86 gummies deep into a coma this man was jumping and jumping and then had the nap of a lifetime that's why I don't like to begin with he's a knucklehead you know what I mean like he's one of the dumbest people I ever met I I uh I had never wanted to necessarily get into martial arts when I was a little kid I was hoping I would grow enough to be a big enough man that nobody would mess with me you mean like when I was little I was like there's still time I'm going eat my greens and I'm I'm going keep going work some pop P will work for me you know and then at 19 I was like yep I am done cooking I need to come up with a plan or something because right now I'm very movable okay this is unacceptable and so I started doing jiujitsu um and if you don't know what Jiu-Jitsu is is a martial art and it's also the only time straight men are allowed to hug uh and I started doing Jiu-Jitsu and there was a kid okay so I'm a white belt right after two years I'm still white belt so I'm not good I'm I'm actually pretty bad and then they always have me roll roll is a sparring they always have me roll with this kid and he he 15 but he and he weirdly strong I don't like it it's like cuz he cuz you could he look 15 but then he get a hold of you like oh my God like it's terrifying he's strong as hell and he's a blue belt and they should he should be higher that's unaccepted like they I feel like they gaslighting me keeping him blue because he doing he doing high level stuff stuff to me it does feel right you know what I mean like like it's there's a very thin line in Jiu-Jitsu from getting submitted and getting [ __ ] like it's it's really bad and so I had to quit doing jiujitsu because last time okay so this is the last lesson that I did right uh so they had us they were teaching us a drill and then they had us just roll with each other right and he got a hold of me quick cuz like I said he's strong so he grabbed me I was like ah you know and then he had put me so imagine that the wall is the ground okay so he's on top of me and then he he had moved me he he like I'm not a flexible person but he had pushed me to where I'm like it's so this this is the base of what's happening and he's on top of me and so now I'm trying to push him off but like this is not a great position to be in so then I'm over here just like I'm not getting any track like I can't get him off cuz he's strong and and then finally there was this moment and ever we've all had this moment where it's loud somewhere and then it gets quiet just in time for you to get embarrassed you know what I'm talking about you ever been at a club and then it's just in between songs is quiet for a second and everybody hears you go my tampon like that's that's basically what happened so I'm over here fighting for my life right I'm just like over non stop and then out of nowhere I'm like and like and it should have been quiet everybody was making noise a second before that and then it get quiet and then he stop and he get up and then everybody's looking at me like I brown beled myself and and he's like are are you you uh you good uh I'm like yeah yeah I'm good let let's roll and he's like nah I'm all right I had to leave class I was so embarrassed I left early and I just decided all right I'm done with you Jitsu I'm just going to I'm just going to buy a [Music] [Applause] gun anybody want to press with me they catch this land [Applause] yeah we uh we have it happening again you know I've been dreading this towards the end of the year next year in 2024 we unfortunately have another presidential election why are we still doing this we've proven the president can basically be dead and we will still function like normal I don't know why we're still putting up this charade I don't know about him like what are you doing I was talking to my friend about it because I've been dreading it so much and um my friend said something interesting he said said you can tell who's going to win by who has the most mockable voice right so like Barack Obama had a more mockable voice than John McCain Trump had a more mockable voice than Hillary but then it falls apart cuz I don't think Biden has a more mockable voice than Trump Trump's like an actual character I have a different metric I [Laughter] think I think whoever's the freakiest win do you I mean like Barack and Michelle were laying it down way harder than John McCain and his wife that was when Barack still had the good hips and everything you and we know about all these these porn stars that Trump has tried to smash that he has smashed you know bigger freak than Hillary and I'm not I'm going to go out on limb and say it I think Biden is a bigger freak than Trump I do remember when he started running and was smelling the back of everybody's necks remember that we had to beg him to stop we were like Joe Nobody Does this this is insane y'all remember what I'm talking about he would just be up on somebody [Music] like doing that weird ass whisper just [Music] like that's some good neck me you got I used to be one of these dudes that was like I'm never getting married never like when I was 20 I was like I'm never getting married I can't even imagine it why would anybody do that whatever right and then I I worked at a bar when I was 20 and so a lot of the people that came to the bar and a lot of people that I work with were older than me but now that I'm older they're middle-aged right so I see what happens when you keep that attitude like I'm just never getting married no not me Bachelor for life I've seen it now and it's not good it's actually pretty bad you know we need to work on interpersonal skills love each other find somebody and make it work cuz this is this is rough out here they're not doing well cuz here's the thing no matter who you are when you get married marriage is you having a life partner you know what I mean it's it's you having someone that can look at you as you get older and be like hey that's weird don't do that outside the house don't embarrass me in front of other people cuz they know we're together all right but if you don't have that if you're not married and you don't have that you just keep going through life and you get weirder and you think it's normal cuz you with you all day so you were like I think it's a good idea let's do it and before you know you that weird dude it's very upsetting right and this is the thing this this is the main way that that I've watched it manifest is that how do I put this okay when you get older and you take all that unmarried energy and you put it into something most dudes put it into a passion or a hobby right now if your passion or hobby is useful to the world then it's not a big deal you know if you do science and you're like I'm never going to get married no never then you just pour that into doing extra science and then you discover something people be like wow what a brilliant man thank goodness he dedicated his life to science that's almost never happening usually you put into a weird ass hobby I got I got a friend he put it all in all that unmarried energy in the scams that's all he does is scams that and he telling me about the scam okay for for all the fellas in here do you know when you get the DM from the Instagram model with no followers and she needs money that's him that's that's him every time he hitting everybody up he got me that just it's everybody he's hitting them up and I was like who falls for this and he's like honestly people that look like me like it's pretty wild reminds me of that dude do y'all see that dude that dude that they caught he had been faking heart attacks at all the restaurants okay if you didn't see the story basically this dude who looks like a walking heart attack was going to restaurants and faking heart attacks to get out of paying the bill and he got off at like 19 different restaurants they were just so thankful he didn't die in their booth that they were like I guess you can just go just please leave don't die here right and then he finally got caught and I feel like he got caught because that 20th restaurant was probably a Waffle House probably probably his servant be like uhuh you ain't dying without tipping me get your ass up get your ass up or even worse they tried to help him some big cook comes out of the kitchen like let me give him mouth to mouth he gets up he's like actually no I'm sorry this's a scam please send me to jail I'm I apologize but that's what happens you put all that energy into something that's not productive it makes you weirder taking all that unmarried energy you know like I got a buddy he he the only black ventriloquist I've ever met in my life and it is so upsetting this is an Abomination all right this is so creepy it's so and he's not good he not good at all we can all see him talking we all see it and then he making the doll move but he can't stop looking at the doll too so he's like what's up my boy it's jarring and honestly also real quick I do owe white people an apology because I had always made fun of my white friends who were scared of dolls and thought they were too creepy and freaking everything and I get now that there's one that looks like me I get it that's that this thing is disgusting it's so it's so freaky is it looking his eyes and everything I'm sorry I Judge Too harshly it's very creepy but it's not just the dudes lot of them lot of the women that I know middleaged you know I ain't never get married and now they all do one thing they have different lives different passions careers but they all do one thing they be hugging me way too long they they be doing these long ass hugs and they moan the whole hug it's y'all ever had one of those Church hugs you know what I'm talking about like sugar how you been how you been baby how you been I even call one of them she was like how you been y'all been great thank you so much

Channel: Josh Johnson

Views: 454,405

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Id: 6u52mjQvaNI

Length: 19min 10sec (1150 seconds)

Published: Wed Nov 15 2023