John Pinette - I'm Starving - Food

one trainer put me on the no carb the atkins oh i they said after a week you won't have any carb cravings i felt lied to i had cravings when you drive by a bakery and you jump out of a moving vehicle that's a craving i had hallucinations i thought dr phil was on my front lawn john come out here and exercise you can't be big if your lifestyle won't allow it get off my lawn unless you have doughnuts every time the doorbell rang i thought it was i thought it was pizza come to save me oh i was not good on the no carb and i'm i'm big into bread and pasta and i eat way too much of it so when they had the low carb pasta and bread i was all happy the low carb bread have you tasted it it looks like bread but it has no other properties of bread i went to taste it my brain sent a signal to my mouth get it out get it out it tasted like the wrapper was still on it and i said you know what i'll put butter on it but it wouldn't go on i would put the pad on and it would fall off jam and jelly would beat up and fall off did they scotch guard this at the factory i tried to toast it it wouldn't toast i'm out in the garage with a blow torch it's absorbing the heat like a space shuttle tile how does this break down in my system if it doesn't toast they're gonna dig me up and five thousand years ago he was on the no carbs see that disc and then when you go off the no carb diet you lose your mind i went off one no carb diet a girl scout came to the door she had cookies i said oh i think you're going to win the trip to washington this year this will be fine for now go back and get the rest of the troop i went to one nutritionist that was uh just all raw food it's a great way of eating it it doesn't reflect my reality but this lady very nice she was in her 50s she looked 30 but it was too extreme for me she said first of all i want you to juice i said okay juice is not a verb i don't know what you're talking about she said no for the first month i want you to cleanse your system so i want you to drink just juice i didn't do well with that she sold me a juice a third day i juiced a ham she called me up how you doing i'm juicing let me get this krispy kreme in here we'll be good to go [Applause] if you're drinking ham juice and your arm goes numb wait an hour i'm not a nutritionist but that's just how i i think you should do it she said to me are you a vegetarian you're not in the strictest definition like i don't eat veal but he grows up he's got to go and i don't need bison i was in colorado i was served bison bison is buffalo it was endangered i don't want to eat that because it's not endangered anymore but i don't trust it i'll finish the bison and somebody will walk up to me that was the last one they gave it to me [Applause] and i used to love lamb chops lamb chops heroes my friend owns a farm he gave me a baby lamb to hold it was adorable it fell asleep in my arms he said the lamb fell asleep it trusts you it has very poor judgment and i bit it on the ass no i didn't i'm holding this lamb knowing i'm never going to have lamb again and i never have and he said would you like to see the cows cal no so this very nice juice lady the raw food she said to me you have a block colon do i have that look about me how do you then i'm thinking how we gonna unblock this bad boy attach this to your garden hose lady i have neighbors i'll get a letter from the homeowner's association please do not clean your colon on front lawn signed all of us she said no it's very easy to cleanse your system she said you're juicing right and i was juicing and i still juice i like juicing i just can't do juice alone but i hate salad and salad has essential vitamins and minerals so i just drink it and it's done so i was juicing she said to me put these herbs in your juice three times a day after a month your colon will be clean i don't know what was in the herbs but i called her about 45 minutes later from the bathroom hey crazy lady i'm sending back the rest of the herbs mission accomplished my colon's clean i swallowed a quarter when i was seven fifty dollars came out my ass hit the jackpot i just want to know am i gonna live

Channel: Comedy Station

Views: 729,388

Rating: 4.8901453 out of 5

Keywords: John Pinette, Pinette, John, Im Starvin, Im starving, the gym, getting in shape, comedy, funny, stand up, stand-up, Stand, up, Stand-up, Standup, Comedy, Station, Comedy Station, Comedystation, Comedian, Cabaret, Theatre, funnier, fun, jokes, joke, joker, laugh, laughing, laughter, smile, smiling, youtube.

Id: TUBjvlUwALI

Length: 6min 1sec (361 seconds)

Published: Tue Nov 25 2014

Reddit Comments

[u/mkmcde]

By far one of my favorite specials ever. My go to recommendation for a "clean" comic. Shame he passed.