Joey Diaz Dosed Himself to Help Bert Kreischer Through Ari Shaffir Dosing

I see him with a [ __ ] bikini on Ari's got one with that body is and they're dancing everybody was having a good time I'm like oh [ __ ] tickets are on sale for KFC radio live click the link in the bio get yours come out and hang with the boys and I came up yesterday and I left my house it was like an hour five dude let me tell you something if we ever do this again and you're stuck in like three hours of traffic turn around cancel we'll just do it another day holy [ __ ] 8 40. it's every day yeah I know you know what's weird it started when I I drove in and out there in the pandemic and it and it was easy yeah and then it started to get bad but I've noticed like Monday and Friday Nobody's around Wednesday yeah it's a [ __ ] walk like nothing nothing because I think people just are working not home more and [ __ ] not Tuesday Wednesdays like the one couple days a week you can't get away with it so working from home so [ __ ] Jam holy [ __ ] it took me I got first I ordered you and I saw the Uber was like 60 70 bucks I'm like what's going on here this is a hop skipping a [ __ ] jump Joey we're selling books baby we don't gotta worry about sixty dollars no no no no no but I'm looking at it going yeah yeah yeah holy [ __ ] yeah yeah something's going on yeah because and then I hit it and he canceled with two minutes that's the difference because they see where you're going yeah 450 feet and all of a sudden they've got up to 10 minutes oh my God I just jumped in the cab and it was 26 bucks so it's really bad that's what it is Uber raises this guy he hates Uber he's been trying to get off Uber forever yeah I'm an old school cab guy too but man sometimes Uber gets you the [ __ ] out of here quick yeah yeah well you know you just get it right away you get it right the days of standing on the corners [ __ ] trying to oh yeah but nobody picks you up that's a [ __ ] nightmare yeah but I still I lived here in 93 for a while the 93 I used to live in Secaucus and I lived I leave my house at quarter to eight and I'd be in the city at eight to do a spot parked and ready to go was it just there was just less people and less [ __ ] I don't know what the [ __ ] it was but you come to the city now at 8 15 it's like what the [ __ ] are they giving away out there yeah what the [ __ ] are they giving away see this is why I love you I think that's why people like you too because it's just like you're living still a very normal life you know you're worried about [ __ ] traffic and then out of the city I don't give a [ __ ] I love I can take the ferry yeah the ferry is very expensive dog but at 18 in and out yeah yeah yeah you know you sit there you get a little [ __ ] Sun except today you stop at Edgewater you go to one on the way home I either stop in Union City and get some steaks on a stick yeah that guy's been on the corner there for 80 [ __ ] years on the way home yeah well on the way home I go to Cliffside and go to Rudy's and get some [ __ ] fried Calamine [ __ ] [Laughter] [ __ ] you 16 and heated a drink they were there for me you know what I'm saying on Monday Night Football have you always been here did you move out I mean you bounced around right I left here in 83 83 and I came back for a while like a year later that was a big [ __ ] mistake was 83 to Colorado 84 was here oh here here and then I went back to Colorado it was just on well we we read the book yeah tremendous the stories bad [ __ ] and they cut chapters out I was wondering if [ __ ] in the holster maybe for another book or another time or if the editors were like you know we can't tell some of these stories like well they they fought me for names at first they were like you can't use those names so I had to go back and go listen this guy's dead yeah yeah who gives a [ __ ] his family is dead that was and then there was one chap they took out that I kind of got upset about because it was crucial it showed me coming back [ __ ] broken in 93. and in nine months because I always tell people if you're [ __ ] going through [ __ ] move home move home take a walk to your grammar school yeah walk those steps walk to the high school walk those gym [ __ ] Hills and something gets back to you and that's what I did from there I left and that's when I went after comedy like a [ __ ] Savage and they wait they cut that out well there's more to that okay it sounded really nice yeah that was dressing up like a d age and taking people down in Harlem in 80 on 181st Street we just [ __ ] follow people and [ __ ] take this [ __ ] it was not good okay so wait what you can tell this story on a podcast like like it's not like you're hiding the story I guess no no I don't want to be on the hook for some sort of legal [ __ ] yeah I don't know what the [ __ ] no I'll talk you know it was interesting because my I came back and I had this crazy buddy and I got back and he was crazier than ever but he was my number one comedy supporter like it was hard to believe that this guy broke legs in the daytime right and then he makes sure you have material for tonight you got to be going there and kill him I'll tell you how funny the guy was we did Caroline's one night and he waited till midnight to do a contest and he [ __ ] won the contest wow because he was just a funny guy but he was out of his bird well that's the thing about comedy is there's really very funny people probably funnier than some of the best professionals absolutely but they don't have the discipline or the ability or the time or the the resources whatever you know but there are some people out there that are definitely funnier than you know the all-time greats they just don't do it there's a dude in Chicago white dude I saw this dude I almost died and I went up to him later and I go why are you not and he goes I got six kids right my wife's a school teacher I'm happy in Chicago and then I heard a story about he was in town one night and he was headlining when Kennison came to that town he was a younger comic and the deal was that they tell you but when Kennison comes in from doing his Arena get the [ __ ] off the stage yeah Tennyson doesn't want to deal with it just say good night we'll still pay you for yourself Kennison got that and they're like you want us to get us off and he's like [ __ ] no this kid's killing me and he was clean uh this guy's spotless [ __ ] clean yeah forget what his name is but I went to Chicago like three years ago and he's a radio host now so yeah he may you know stand up he's like a city guy but he I always thought that dude was [ __ ] hilarious and you know he just there's different circumstances for people yeah yeah sure I always think for some reason I don't know why it isn't me I always think clean comics like because it's it's like I think everything it's always something it's always it's also it's not like me and I just like yeah my favorite comic is best comic working is John [ __ ] malays hands down yeah and now these I'm telling people he snorts Coke and he loves people in the ass I mean I'm more than [ __ ] crazy Irish because you comes out with a [ __ ] suit when I heard he was he's a little [ __ ] looking sometimes you know you don't know where he's coming from but bro that white boy that Irishman is [ __ ] dangerous yeah he's a killer dude can you imagine doing all your comedy and and obviously having a great career and killing but knowing that you got all that other [ __ ] in the in the holster if you wanted to tell those jokes right just not choosing not to all the stories you could tell but you're like nah I can just talk about you know it's about bitten binder for like three hours listen guys let me tell you what comedy is this is I simplify it for people comedy should feel like Katt Williams first special when he does the Michael Jackson sniffing kids [ __ ] a bit yeah and the crowd was unsure it was a black audience yeah you'd be talking about Michael Jackson That's comedy yeah you heard ooze and you heard a ton of laughter and people who wanted to say it he caught him yeah yeah you know how the [ __ ] did [ __ ] when was the last time you saw Michael Jackson with a woman come on come on I got time nothing you know and pour into it and that's what comedy should be like like that special like that bit when you watch it you're blown the [ __ ] away right he hits a chord with you and that's what John Mulaney does I like John yeah I've never met him I'm his biggest [ __ ] thing surprised you haven't met him yet I've tried to I tried to [ __ ] imitate him imitate him but like try to work a little cleaner yeah oh Joe listen there are certain guys like I think that ship sailed for people like us I don't know yeah but sometimes you're like that's a goal yeah no it's just right everything else I've done a book did that now what do you want let me do a 30 minute set clean I you know when I started I used to wear a suit guys and that sucked through the point of being in a job like comedy is that you don't have to wear a suit I like Lenny Clark Lenny Clark Special when Rodney Dangerfield he wore a badass Armani suit and I'm like I gotta get a suit so I started wearing a suit for two years I bumped really but took the suit off you were good you know you learned these little things they just don't buy you in a [ __ ] suit Joey but you want to wear a shirt you in a suit you're like what the [ __ ] what was the other one was it was it Missy told you to do it in a diaper [Laughter] she made me a regular that sat me next to her and she's like I really like Cubans I think you should dress up I Fidel and go on stage and I'm like oh God that's when at the end when she was kind of losing it and she would say that to you to see if you would do it and if you would do it she wouldn't give you spots no more because you're a [ __ ] yeah you know you're a [ __ ] because you actually did what I told you right right so yeah because I know [ __ ] I would do it in a heartbeat so many people are like I'll just do whatever it takes and it's like no no it's not the right answer listen I don't even like [ __ ] Halloween yeah yeah like I stopped after like 10 you just put a towel around your neck and you're Superman yeah yeah that's it I don't like any of that [ __ ] dressing up dude I'm with you man um so I mean this is something I would imagine people have been telling you for years you gotta write a book your life is so crazy you need to write a book I mean I feel like your whole I know what you do with sickler where you're just kind of telling your life story and it feels like a [ __ ] movie in its own right yeah and I know you've been in movies and [ __ ] but you basically are a walking movie so um was there a reason why like now like did you feel like you're at a point where it was like time to do it it had been knocking on my door for like 10 years that's all these agents torture me about books and [ __ ] and I tried and I couldn't put it together and I started it was okay I got one on a roll and I outlined it and I would write little chapters but I just couldn't do the hump you know when I got here I had a new Snee I knew I was going to get a new knee I'm gonna be down for 90 [ __ ] days in the winter there you go I might as well get this going I went to a barbecue I met Erica Florentine with Jimmy florentine's Niece and we started talking on the phone every day that's what it was it was a process on the phone sometimes we'd meet and we just do it on the phone and then she'd call me back and we'd go over the whole chapter and that's why I wanted I wanted people listen for me I wanted people to I'm so sick of people who are [ __ ] lost you know I really am I was lost but like I got sick and tired of people like if I could kill somebody for sure it would be my guidance counselor because those pops up has never told you nothing they never told me that I could come over the city and take acting classes yeah I didn't know you heard that you had a bartend and somebody would come in and made Bruce Willis a bartender and [ __ ] but the point of this book was to let people know no matter I was in a [ __ ] rocket ship sleeping every night in a park okay and I think about that every [ __ ] day every day before I eat a [ __ ] sandwich I think about that and it keeps me grounded like it's really kept me grounded but I wanted people to know that it's [ __ ] what they sell you would they sell you as a kid is [ __ ] you could do whatever the [ __ ] you want you know and I'm living [ __ ] proof for real you know how many times I was on a movie set going [Laughter] yes would you like some water oh my God I have no idea I would have robbed them two years ago well you were you were on [ __ ] so it's tremendous life of Comedy Savage can go by go read it's unbelievable and there's so many times through reading it where I was like I always uh talk about watching the movie Flight with Denzel because I watched the great movie I watched it hung over on a Sunday and the anxiety I was getting was like just stop just stop doing drinking right and when you were on basketball and you were still stealing all the roadways oh my god dude you don't need to do this anymore you're on the movie stop [ __ ] being a girl and they kept saying what's going on with the road and listen any New Yorker you know what I'm saying like any Brooklyn guy Bronx guy Queen's guy anybody from New York it would have taken two weeks I mean it's in our blood I'm saying like you could only look at a [ __ ] trailer fill the roller skates and they're not moving nobody's using them and I'm like so one day I just wanted to Play It Again Sports like how much for these skates you're like we'll give you a buck 40. I'll be back tomorrow every [ __ ] day I was in there Buck 40 plus tax they even gave me the tax back no receipt it was [ __ ] priceless by the time like three weeks in I went and looked at the truck there was nothing left it was like size four and size 18 like [ __ ] what's his name [ __ ] uh the guy from Philly the Santa was going to be in them with these big ass roller skates I cleaned everything out in fact the day I shot I'm not on [ __ ] roller skates there was no size 11 roller skates you understand me I cleaned them all out 9 10 11 12 13 and then the guy started timing yeah you have any connections for rollerblade because I it was rollerblade in my life because you got to bring me some rollerblades next movie next movie oh dude that is the best I mean stories like that are just so Priceless and then the whole thing like I was into it right like oh my god this is my first chance I'm gonna be a good guy three weeks of going in there you're not shooting today so we just sit in the trailer [ __ ] eight hours losing it Idle Hands man you get into finally I would look and see Jenny McCarthy boxing she had like a little bag with a little trainer and she'd wear these tight things and a [ __ ] would sweat and I would [ __ ] lose my mind I'd be out there going I wonder what her little [ __ ] smells like right now after that little kickboxing workout because that's the monkey in full effect right there and then finally one night I went out and I got [ __ ] up cold foods whatever the [ __ ] we were doing and I went home and just closed my eyes next to my girlfriend she goes you want to ride for the movie and we're shooting at the LA Coliseum and I get there as soon as I get there like you're shooting today I'm like what do you mean I was coming into sleep yeah you [ __ ] first stop and I was like oh I didn't know anything how did you get like like how do you break into movies when you're you know I mean a regular guy you're kind of a hustler like how do you get your first look from a I was I moved to LA and I never saw that like acting to me was so far away especially after prison and [ __ ] and it takes so much like schmoozing and you gotta like you know suck this guy's dick and shake this guy's hand and it doesn't seem like you're that kind of guy no but I went I got an audition for NYPD Blue and I had to go to a Bosco building and it's like the Eight Mile [ __ ] walk you know and on the way back I'm furious and I just happened to stop at a water fountain and some lady comes out and she goes hey are you here for the audition I guess now I am and she goes know these lines read them in five minutes because it was it a guy who looked like you and talked like you had no [ __ ] idea you didn't even know I walked into NYPD Blue and sucked a bag of dicks I didn't know what I was doing guys I had never acted there was a 10-page audition you know so I walked out of there like I'm not gonna get that and also when I'm walking through the building lady comes out and she goes you want to read for this yeah whatever and I went and I played it was a ref and I read the two lines at the time guys I was living in a flop House in La those places were like Rocky yeah and those uh they have a phone in the hallway and you pay like 40 hours a day and [ __ ] all night long people knocking on your door runaways and [ __ ] like what the [ __ ] is this I was staying there that's a position I was in guys and all of a sudden somebody goes Joey Diaz do you have a phone call I'm like what the [ __ ] who's calling me on a payphone it's my manager he goes you got basketball they're going to pay 5 500 a week and I'm like oh [ __ ] what are you talking about that's like you hit the [ __ ] yeah but I didn't even have the 1200 for sag and they wouldn't pay it so I had like a week to come up with twelve hundred dollars so I gotta mug somebody I don't I think you can figure that out I called Doug Stan hopes agent and he got them to wave the sack yeah and I got into it and like I said I never went out there with the intention of doing anything guys I could tell you that I was just happy not to be a criminal yeah yeah that way I'm like you know what I'm here and the only times I pulled up to The Comedy Store and there'd be 10 cases of Jack Daniels like oh back in the day I couldn't I couldn't [ __ ] there and I kept saying and my plan was simple if I fail in La I'm gonna go back and kill my ex-wife and a husband and go to Jersey and let the cops come get me in Jersey I don't give a [ __ ] go to jail at home that is a simple plan if I would have been what else was I going to do I wasn't going to go into Plumbing it was too late to go into masonry you know what was I going to do I was already failing I couldn't even get an acupuncturist license what was I going to do so after if I didn't do anything with comedy I'm just gonna go kill my ex-wife and then move to Jersey and sell Coke and that was the plan and then when I got to say that you need to you need to cut the safety net and you have no safety yeah yeah so wait uh at this point for basketball that's after you know all the kidnapping and the crazy [ __ ] all oh yeah yeah yeah and the kidnapping was 86. baseball was like 98. so by that point like did that not that wasn't a problem for you did people like look up your history that's a problem they don't look up [ __ ] you think you're walking on eggshells the whole time going and we speak to you for a second yeah that's what I've had people tap me on the shoulder before yeah hey man we did a background check we got a problem right right I was wondering that while reading the book because they were like like how do you think you'd fare as a as a criminal in modern times because there were so many times we were like and then I just moved yeah yeah and it changed towns and you're and you start over is it still like that like you can just be like I mean granted you went you know across the country I mean there were times in Colorado where you went from Snowmass to Aspen yeah but now like the phone and the technology at all you know you can't get away with [ __ ] everything everybody you know everywhere you go you're still I don't know what I do like a credit card I don't know I'm sure it's a different [ __ ] world that's the thing though I'm sure you just would you would have just applied what you knew to modern day [ __ ] you would have figured it out you would have been scamming in a way on the internet instead of you know running numbers uh you know what I mean it's just a different time I don't know what I'd do you know I really last three years I've been sitting here going what the [ __ ] will I do right now in my life can I get a job at Costco you know what can I do I mean I'm not I'm not qualified to do [ __ ] except so we got we got asked this question yesterday like what would you do tomorrow if all this went away and I was like oh I'd sell cars maybe I'm 65. I mean you can yeah so that's what we could do but anything else what could I do I have no wait luckily you don't have to worry about that bro yeah but I mean you still got you got it all now but you still go Jesus Christ what if like I can't believe I'm this worthless because you're so far from that but I see guys changing tires okay like I'm working I think about that all the time like yeah like I can't do anything with my hands I can't fix a car you imagine if we had to do construction right now get up at six and carry back in Wood hey you know pick up garbage and you're like what the [ __ ] I had a guy come to my apartment the other day asking where the radiator was and I know what a radiator is but I was like I those same guys would be like I could never get on stage in front of us that's true people and make them yeah so somebody's got what they're good at you know it's a win-win win loss whatever the [ __ ] you want to call it um when you when you were like uh getting out of prison right what was like your first I've always been so curious about like when you are out and it's just like day one go like what do you do like literally they want it's scary yeah because he was saying you know he he he's always said like I think I would do okay in prison hanging out with the boys and it's on you're on a schedule and everything's kind of taken care of but the first person you were in in Colorado were you like is in the mountains there's like 12 guys we'd tell this the guards we have to get us for dinner oh my God I was like that sounds awesome that sounds like my college dorm freshman year hanging out with the boys Summit County Jail yeah and if you were there 30 days or longer in the winter [Laughter] the reason why I wanted to go to rifle as a camp was because they took your skin and in the summer you were a lifeguard at the pool in town you're watching kids Camp George West they let you out for 20 minutes a day to go to the 7-Eleven and go shopping so you had to make and it was golden so you're close to course yeah so you can't really drink or nothing but I'd rather take the 20 minutes out and just walk out of there yeah and then I got them I used to drive them crazy because I figured out you called the Chinese place and tell them to have your order ready and I walked back in the prison with a spare rib what the [ __ ] are you doing what the [ __ ] are you doing you know and the camp like where I went there was some [ __ ] sick people at this Camp because they were finishing their long sentences and you had a lot of federal people in there but I met one gangster and that's all I needed from the Bronx one [ __ ] guy yeah he was a big fat guy Italian guy and he cooked he made his living in there by cooking nachos and just sandwiches everything he and then when he found out that I could bring him [ __ ] I would bring him Haagen-Dazs ice cream and he would make [ __ ] cannolis and like yeah jailhouse cannolis [ __ ] crazy it was insane and at that time AIDS was new so they had built a new AIDS Wing that was [ __ ] state of the art there was 10 beds but only three guys in there and they had like a big screen TV a refrigerator their own kitchen we'd go in there and [ __ ] party with the AIDS guy [ __ ] it where's those three AIDS [ __ ] let's watch some sports here today Jack and we would have fun and then we'd watch America's Most Wanted that was our [ __ ] on Saturday Sunday night's Peg Bundy and then America's Most Wanted we went off on America's Most Wanted we I saw a tweet there that sounds so awesome dude every time I talked to someone who was in person love person Ally we had a wallow and Gilly from Philly and while I was like I was like the one thing I didn't want to be I don't want to be a white supremacist and he's like he's like you'd be fine they don't make you be white supremacists that's just in the movies and to be honest I I got around perfect than that I was good friends with the Crips I was good friends with the Bloods because they both worked in the kitchen you know everybody loves food man I would torture them in the kitchen so I had that like I could get away with that the bikers were okay the white supremacists were okay uh the bikers they were a little stupid there was one guy had a [ __ ] bang his head off a wall one day that's the kid I talked about in the book I took a [ __ ] in the Box an american cheese box and I put it in his drawer with a little American flag and he would call people in because we all worked in the kitchen and he I hated this guy got a long hair one day he found the box of [ __ ] I took like an 18 inch inch by the time he found it it looked like a little Chihuahua [ __ ] and he's like I'm gonna figure out who [ __ ] [ __ ] my thing [Laughter] he saw a little answer he didn't come from Joey yeah you immediately had an Alabama oh my God that can't beat me have you had you changed names and details a little bit but has anybody hit you up and been like oh that was you or like oh that story was was us or whatever nobody's hit me [ __ ] up like that I was really surprised at that because I get a lot of people in that my address yeah except the mailman who threatened me he was like if you're not into comedy by the time I get out of here I'm gonna come out and kill you I don't know where the [ __ ] that [ __ ] ended up Buffalo I was happy about it man but it really it slowed me down it was completely opposite of what I thought but to get back to your question like the first few days when you get out you're happy but then your mind plays tricks on you because you start thinking when you go to a supermarket all these people know I just got out of prison all these people know I got out of a camp or all these people read the newspaper article so you start getting this little and then that goes away but I hit the floor running yeah I got to the halfway house on the Tuesday by Wednesday I had my first eight ball I was back in business chat you know all that Bible reading and counseling that that Bible goes out the [ __ ] window get the [ __ ] out of here every time I see those Bible beaters in prison I'm like on the way out you'll see the Bible go up again yeah so [Laughter] this this era you know it's we've talked about it with death but the cancer culture and PC culture and all that [ __ ] and a lot of people will get you know [ __ ] over lose deals lose careers whatever for something as simple as a tweet just words you say right and and then there's someone like you who like you you know admittedly committed crime you did some bad [ __ ] and I guess you think that is just that you you owned up to it you did your time and now you uh you know you own it and you're different that people don't seem to care people like you you ever see Mike Tyson in person Mike Tyson in person in a public event they forgot about the rape yeah women are hugging them kids are kissing them yeah he's in the movies white people are hugging them or [ __ ] yeah yeah I mean yeah America's got two they got two types of people they got this new world culture who they want to pick on you for you calling the teacher a fat [ __ ] in the eighth grade 30 years ago it's got nothing to do with them and then you have the culture of people like myself that I don't care what you do to me if you come up to me like a man and apologize from your heart you're done we're good yeah so we're good and there's some people refuse to have that so as a human being I was not uh uh a productive member of society although 20 years ago I became that you know so I tell you what whatever you think whatever you want to do last I checked you ain't God and you ain't no [ __ ] judge [ __ ] when you go to law school come out do your attorney [ __ ] and become a judge for 20 years the Supreme Court then you could decide what happens to me until then you're not gonna [ __ ] decide you're not going to decide you have to fight these guys a lot of these guys got canceled and they've given up yeah I I think and they gave up you only get you only get as canceled as you walk into they came for you when you were telling a story on Rogan's podcast and like did they it like how long did that even last like did they just give up when like you just didn't allow it to happen four days yeah and the best is I'm not gonna drop no names it's the people who started that the two female comedians called Bill Burr and asked him you could ask Bill Burr next time you see him tell Joey the war's over we can't take this no more because the church people were [ __ ] crazy and they went at those [ __ ] yeah yeah they kept going at those [ __ ] bigger than your mom so yes and you know these Gentile mobs that these girls showed up with everything's cute yeah that don't work in the real world that works for a little while and people let it work four days you'll follow me for [ __ ] day until I sent them the video of [ __ ] the three-legged woman the two-legged woman yeah you didn't like that story take this [ __ ] you ain't canceling me I did my time right you're not answering like like I did my time yeah you have no danger you're in no danger canceling me right not you the people who have never gone through something as serious as that get afraid and nervous you're gonna I'm gonna lose my followers I'm gonna lose my my spot at the club whatever I've been through a lot more than that sort of you're not gonna lose nothing if you stick up for yourself the last thing I heard growing up was you gotta stick up for yourself that's it that that's we're New Yorkers I'm a New Yorker you stick up for yourself you talk for yourself you have God gave you a mouth you tell these [ __ ] listen I did it whatever she was kind of cute we some girl came at me from 20 years ago oh we were doing no that's what she said she goes what about the time we were in the bathroom together and she put it on Twitter like and I just hit it with yeah the time you pulled me in to snort my Coke yeah that was the end of that they were all you know the pandemic made them go oh my God in 1982 Kevin called me a speaker come on come on you're [ __ ] killing me so you can't allow that we can't allow that I do think you're right when you say too like you know you're a New Yorker or you're upbringing like when well [ __ ] New Yorkers bro like is it different when your mom is sacrificing animals for Mets games and [ __ ] a New York when you're beating up nuns and she comes down and Stomps throughout the night with you I don't think a lot of people understand that sort of I was weak just yesterday called my mom on the phone because my producer heard a story about how we're from City Island in the Bronx and how she she punched some dude in the face over the Mets at a City Island Bar and I said if you ever wonder why I am the way I am like here you [ __ ] go and the cops wouldn't come and when they did come they go really yeah that's why we're here put away the beer and knock it the [ __ ] off you know and that's what happened that's what happened over the years we made little things over nothing you know how many [ __ ] and that's what the problem with people are today and they feed into this they really do feed into this [ __ ] so you just gotta tell them go [ __ ] yourself and if you don't like it I'll perform for one person and start all over it right I'm gonna say Something Something Like You It's gotta be like there's nothing even bother I slept on a plate what are you gonna do nothing you can do want you to send me some sweets yeah there was so many [ __ ] things and you want to come at me because in 1997 you suck dick to get spots at The Comedy Store and everybody knew it I got to feel bad for you one I'll [ __ ] take a survey give me a hundred guys in the room who will turn down a [ __ ] [ __ ] nobody okay in front of people and your mother I don't I don't like blood jobs I'm a [ __ ] whatever the [ __ ] you are it's not gonna fly we all love [ __ ] okay we all love our dick suck that's what it means to be a [ __ ] man so if somebody comes up to you and goes hey I want a job at Barstool as a janitor if I suck your dick you know it's it's you're trying to [ __ ] rewrite something that you know I moved out of la for the simple reason I have a 10 year old daughter and I saw those women out there and I saw the Bikram Yoga documentary on Netflix and I saw all those things and I was seeing how the women I were dealing with and I'm like this is not happening this is not happening my daughter is not growing up here I don't care we moved to hella to Jersey and she becomes a [ __ ] stripper it's better than this [ __ ] last night I watched the first episode of Jesse Smollett documentary and you look at that and you go what possesses somebody to do that that town um yeah I mean I still can't imagine [ __ ] time yeah you're gonna fake a hate crime so you don't get fired or so you continue your little charade in Hollywood oh you know how much time did you spend out there 23 [ __ ] years so you guys got to remember the kind of guy I am and to be out there it got old man yeah we've spent like a week at a time every other year there and I'm like and the anxiety I was getting from listening to those [ __ ] jerk off [ __ ] I come from a no Chit Chat Society yeah yeah yeah yeah we don't chit chat too much you know we don't chit chat too much these [ __ ] and the phoniness you know if we're not friends we don't have to pretend like my phone rings eight times a day now and I'm the happiest I've ever been because I eliminated 200 calls that meant nothing I was gonna say eight sounds like a lot to me man that's that's all I can handle three of them is my wife yeah that's that's what I I can't handle I couldn't handle that stupidity anymore I got rid of my agent when I got here that [ __ ] douchebag yeah I got rid of all those [ __ ] and started from scratch I don't need this [ __ ] you know I wanted my daughter to have I wanted her to be a Jersey girl the East Coast girl to learn how to stick up for herself to learn how to tell a [ __ ] are you [ __ ] [ __ ] get the [ __ ] out of here with your script or your [ __ ] yoga the [ __ ] did you see that documentary watch that documentary I was tasting dick some hummus dick upstairs with a little cup with a [ __ ] ponytail 300 women doing yoga and he's like [ __ ] call them fat and suck his dick and they're like oh he touches me inside are you [ __ ] [ __ ] somebody hit you with the head are you are you [ __ ] serious are you putting me the [ __ ] on to make me shoot myself in the head that [ __ ] yoga break them with that hummus foot and that [ __ ] smell [Laughter] you um I'm glad I was gonna approach the topic eventually I'm glad you did well you said dick um you talk about how you used to hide uh like like uh chlorine and [ __ ] oh my dick yeah when I was in the halfway house [ __ ] yeah I had to try go I couldn't beat the drug test everybody kept saying you drink Certo you drink this other [ __ ] cranberry juice I tried everything and it kept coming apart so I said [ __ ] I've got to take Extreme Measures so I started drinking white vinegar with a bottle of [ __ ] Gatorade every Monday that didn't work so I finally said [ __ ] this [ __ ] and I'm uncircumcised so I would crush pool cleaner and put it on my [ __ ] dick and then I would put like a rubber band at the end and [ __ ] come on dog you don't know my man for the rubber band that [ __ ] and as soon as I went in I pulled the skin back the chlorine fell on the cup and it would start rattling one time I put Drano in that [ __ ] I still got drain those cars on my dick you said that you look like it's still I still got drain all stars on my dick but at that point it became a game for me to [ __ ] with them yeah because they couldn't figure out that's how we came to the one-legged story she was a probation officer they finally said you got to go on that with him and I would whack off in the car a little bit and get my dick half hard and then sprinkle it and then cover it and then go in I show them my dick what are you thinking about this cannon I don't even want to look Joey they had a mirror in front of me they couldn't figure it out and a guy before me had the whole Contraption the hot water bottle yeah it was down here too and the hot water bottle broke while he was testing the [ __ ] lid fell off [Laughter] so I wasn't doing the hot water trip because they were going to throw me back in jail if I came up with a hop yeah so I'm like I'm not [ __ ] around with you [ __ ] so I put chlorine drain on my dick I did everything that probation officer came to my house maybe 12 times that year how many times I opened the door he would call the sheriff's office we're waiting out here for you two hours after two hours they would leave I come down off the coke and look outside it was and then I didn't see her they kicked me off right I was working at a car wash and I met a D.A and I told him you got to get me off probation he goes send me a motion so I didn't see her anymore and two years not three years later I'm into comedy and I'm delivering Chinese food selling Coke at the same time I'm delivering Chinese selling Coke you know I would get so many calls at the restaurant that they would go how come everybody call for you nobody called delivery though so I called everybody you gotta order something guys you can't just call them they're getting balls all night right please come on don't spare ribs no spare ribs for Joey so I went to deliver her food she opened I didn't even know it was hard to be honest she knocked the door I knocked the door she opened and I'm like who the [ __ ] is this and she was like oh my God it's so great to see you and she was always hot but she had a bum leg like her leg was she had like a little Jiggly leg nobody [ __ ] hit on it because of the jiggly leg but while I'm there she's looking at me and I'm talking to him we always kind of like messed around I showed him my dick like 10 times you know I heard already I had a already in a psychological effect nobody would give a dick so we're there we started swapping spit I'm feeling a [ __ ] and it felt like a [ __ ] oven and I finally pulled the pants off but I didn't want to pull the pants off with the bum legs you left it out because I didn't want to know but she got shot in Vietnam or not so I just want to eat a monkey in peace [Laughter] I'm gonna take a piss is it okay yeah yeah I didn't even [ __ ] know I thought we'd been hanging out here talking [ __ ] 45 minutes Joey [Laughter] that that pretty much sums you up right there I feel like what's that like you just I don't even think it's uh of course you know you you it's work and you're trying and but it just comes naturally to you this whole comedy and shooting the [ __ ] and talking is just like who you are I love it yeah I mean podcasting must have been a great [ __ ] Revolution Revelation for you because I mean you're born for that sort of [ __ ] believe it or not I was waiting for podcasting I didn't know how it was going to show its ugly head because I was what made it my life without my comedy career without telling these stories made me a mediocre comic I always knew I would watch HBO Boxing how many times do you watch a box and you're like look at this [ __ ] dude I don't like this [ __ ] but then he's married he's got three kids you see his mother lives with him you know he's a [ __ ] and now you get to learn more about the guy and you're like wow maybe I'll watch him now yeah I always knew if I could tell my story that that would be it yep dude that's also the problem with the new world like nobody takes a second to learn anything about anybody other than read like one tweet or hear one story because like everybody's got their [ __ ] that they're dealing with or a reason why something went wrong or the reason why they did something bad or whatever but nobody takes the time or cares once you learn like you can learn one thing like I don't like them it's not a second thing no matter what it is like oh they're human yeah right yeah a lot easier and they said [ __ ] now I know why they said that [ __ ] now I know what they were protecting now I know why they do what they do well I know what you do it makes a lot easier if I told you a story about kidnapping we would laugh and then you'd walk out and go if I told you any of these stories individually on the first or second meeting you would leave and go I know about that [ __ ] guy but if you read that beginning right you've never read that beginning your father and your mother and all that [ __ ] you know I was like a confused kid then I went up to 148th Street those Irish [ __ ] were not confused those Puerto Rican and Irish kids and black kids were not confused on 148 their parents were poor but they didn't cry they were out there hustling every day shoveling snow breaking Windows because they were they were shaking down they were eight nine I was surprised to read that you you said you were like growing up you were very sickly and like you know exactly after my father died at 20 my neighbor uh Joey little kid he's seven and he came to the game Saturday and his mother said he had strep throat and his temperature and and she goes we just had this prom three weeks ago and I'm like man that sounds like me because I would have thought from The Jump Street you were like the tough kid on the Block no man after my dad died that took a lot that takes a lot yeah yeah you also you gloss over on page one you said you and your mom made it out of Cuba but your sister didn't my sister didn't that was just like a sentence myself right there is is gonna give you know you went through a lot of [ __ ] your sister died a year ago in Cuba [ __ ] I got the call while I was doing a podcast that she had died I got the call like two weeks earlier if she was sick and that they didn't think she was going to make it but they called and she died I never saw her again at the cube in 1966. and that's my mother's backstory that's what killed her yeah she was Miss [ __ ] met every day smoking dope and drinking at the bar but two in the morning it came back to your daughter when you're out yeah and your party and you forget about your kids and all your problems it's when you walk in that door at midnight and you're like So eventually it just got to her and got to her she lost the bar you know and I saw somebody die right in front of my eyes but it wasn't immediately looking back it's a small process it was a process like I saw it so now if I catch that again I'll intervene now it's every like I just saw her spirit break you know and uh so I got to learn a lot from that so even that that'll my mother's story when you read about it or you're like this [ __ ] caused a lot of problems but she also put two kids through college her grandsons I mean with the hand that she and I didn't go to [ __ ] College on my mother's nickel with her goddaughter both her God daughters went to college my mom did a lot of good things yeah and she raised me the best that she could considering she lived with nine brothers and sisters in a [ __ ] Hut in Cuba and at night they would get attacked by sakalia bugs they couldn't sleep with the lights I mean it was just horrible and then my mother's sister got raped and she [ __ ] stabbed the guy he [ __ ] killed this and killed them so she had to come here so all those little stories got to me and at one point in all my drug addictness and all my stupidity I'm like you know man my mother didn't come here for me to be a [ __ ] jerk off this has to stop this had this Behavior has to stop you know my mother's plans for me were to pay back the United States for accepting us yeah it meant me my mother was like you're going to the Army and then you're going to law school and then you're going back into the army and you're gonna stay there for 20 years I would sit there and listen to her for the plan I'm alone I don't know what the [ __ ] she's thinking army shooting people Vietnam that ain't for me but in her heart she was like this is what we do they opened up a life to me with no questions and she came here and prospered with those [ __ ] bars so she's gonna sacrifice me to the government like she was a Kennedy fan she refused to go to a Met game if she couldn't go and hear the national anthem people don't even give a [ __ ] about the vagina my mom beat me if I spoke Spanish on the street because we were in America we were in [ __ ] America now you walk on Broadway people speaking languages from all over the world they don't even give a [ __ ] about your feelings or who the [ __ ] you are when I was growing up one time a [ __ ] teacher at my grandma's School threw two kids off for talking Spanish on the bus and we all were gonna [ __ ] kill him and [ __ ] when I got home I told my mom my mom's like no you're not he was right this is America they gave us the opportunity to come here the least you could do is learn the [ __ ] language you know this morning I was gonna put a I saw a sweatshirt I was going to wear Roberto Clemente yeah and I will look at that guy and I'm a big fan of his because that guy was super Puerto Rican but in 1960 he already knew how to speak watch his videos watch when he went in front of cameras and they always with a suit on a [ __ ] tie Roberto Clemente was a Savage and my mother loved him I still remember when that mother I still remember when that plane went down crazy that was the worst year of my life that was Clemente Bruce Lee think of all the people that [ __ ] went that year so what year was that 73. 70. and Clemente died on New Year's so you woke up New Year's Day like you're a baseball fan you just saw this [ __ ] at Shea Stadium hit break 300 hits off [ __ ] John matlack or one of those humps except my Tom Seaver don't be Batman my [ __ ] Time season that guy he was unbelievable so it was a different world it was a different set of priorities and that came back to me that started coming back to me when I got locked up because it was the first time I had peace since my mother died it was the first time I wasn't involved in craziness I had to sit in a room for six or seven hours and I started thinking about all that [ __ ] and that's when listen when I got the comedy it wasn't to be a star look at my face I'm in no danger oh you're crazy but you're crazy but I just didn't want to be a criminal no more yeah I just got sick and tired of doing that and then I got caught up with the drugs because you have this pain that you have to [ __ ] deal with and that's the only it's no excuse I did drugs I was a piece of [ __ ] I shouldn't have had the pain I should have got it taken care of but you go through all these things and I had to deal with them by the way listen I know you say it's not an excuse but like again like the first page is the your aunt being raped and your mom killing the guy with the bottle and your sister being left behind and your father dying like it's not an excuse but there's reasons why people fall into the you know into the holes they're in you had a decent uh amount of [ __ ] go on that like you can understand why somebody ends up addicted or you know committed crimes or whatever it is you know I've done I've lurked into this because this is all my behavior really bothered me for a long time it really did you know I had the thing that saved me is I had A1 people in my corner you don't come out like this unless you got A1 [ __ ] around you in your ear and after what they did for me as a child growing up the people from North Bergen I felt like I owed it to them like I did a documentary when we started the church and I went to my teacher's house Mr Barone this motherfucker's in the Hall of Fame for basketball still from 1960 he shot the most free throws in a row in college at Holy Cross or something this guy really inspired me like nobody ever did you know what we talking about was that was that was Mr Brown the teacher who who got you clean that was Mr terranova you know Mr Barone was just a teacher that I went to war with I stole his keys the first day of school and threw them in the garbage and we hated each other and then I found out he was a tremendous basketball player so I just started so I wanted to do good for him I wanted to do good for these people that always had my back no matter what when I came to do a documentary I heard Mr barongo he did what he did but he ain't done yet and I was like that's crazy because I was done yeah I'm like I'm ready to come home with podcasts yeah let's go kill myself one last thing so you know it's just weird where your mind goes but I looked into this and it's the truth and you can look it up when you a child suffer is a traumatic uh something a traumatic experience they regress they don't grow until it all comes to them you know they set back I was never a thief growing up yeah we robbed a piece of gum from the supermarket you shoplifted a comic book something like that but thieves you know that that was against everything I [ __ ] believed and here I was here I was walking past houses thinking there was a [ __ ] kilo of coconut because I saw the old lady with a bag what the [ __ ] you know so I went through all that [ __ ] and uh yeah did you like therapy and [ __ ] or had used it on you no you kind of you just work through it yourself I tell you what man when you're done with drugs you're done with drugs you can go to 18 [ __ ] rehabs yeah you gotta hit something that just and it's gonna be the weirdest thing that's gonna make you flip the weirdest thing something for me it was my girlfriend now she's my wife but at the time she's from Tennessee she's sweet I made a smoke hash at the wedding beside that she don't do any of that [ __ ] she doesn't even know my world but guess what she accepted it she knows that's what makes me thick I didn't want to find her on the food I didn't want her to find me on the floor there was a couple reasons I didn't want to go out with Coke I didn't want her finding me on the floor and I didn't want people going back to Joe Rogan going we told you yeah we told you so right with that belief that he had in me I couldn't I couldn't I had all these people that trusted me and here I am [ __ ] around and [ __ ] so and Joe you just met through the comedy for comment yeah and then told him I want to go to news radio yeah and all that yeah yeah that [ __ ] you just wolfing down don't you shrimp they were scared of me who's that guy with the leather jacket I'm not I'm talking about those big [ __ ] big boys [Laughter] eating salads and [ __ ] you know you're in a classic joint when you go I'm from New York City you got salad and a shrimp what are we doing we're gonna pick that shrimp and put it in our pocket take it home for our uncle [ __ ] when I did Spider-Man too I tell people a story all the time on Fridays they would have lobster tails right by my [ __ ] door and I would sit there and how would he like the rollerblades I would eat like three lobster tails and after a while it'd be 20 on there and these [ __ ] Gentiles are eating we love the tofu salad I'm like I'm from [ __ ] Jersey salad Lobster we're going with the [ __ ] up I don't even need butter I'll eat the salad we'll eat the [ __ ] shout man was was Spider-Man the movie where they had the meeting beforehand where they were like Joe we know you like have a good time and you're like I thought no one knew no no that was a movie called boilermaker well okay that I did the table read for with the father from The Fighter he lived in my neighborhood that crazy [ __ ] Jack and he said you want to do this table read I did it and then a year later they contacted me like we got the movie but it's low budget I'm calling them they go we come in to go over the script and that's when they said that to me and you thought you were like keeping it a good secret I knew people knew but I didn't know that it was becoming a problem right yeah and uh I just was like okay I'm gonna do it the movie I'll do the three weeks clean because it was 21 day shoot in a row no days off so they're like if you and it was a room like this and we're all the AAA meeting so if you miss it's not like they shoot the other side of the room the camera was there so they're like you got to show up every day and at the same time like my cat got sick when my cats died and there was another cat in the house that my mom my wife brought up to help him live and she was going to put him back in the yard because it was like a 2 000 [ __ ] kittens back there and I didn't like this particular cat that she brought up super bad I named him super bad in the yard I'm like this [ __ ] I'm gonna kill this [ __ ] Superbad because I had a Siamese already picked out like a gangster like uh with the [ __ ] eyes and [ __ ] and that's who my wife brought up that night she brought up the cat that I really loved I was going to bring up he had anemia and Superbad their legs had swollen they were ready to [ __ ] die and I kept going to bathroom to pee and do a bump of coke and I was watching both of them dying in front of my eyes and I got on my hands and knees I pet them you know I didn't like super bad so I didn't [ __ ] with super bad I'm like die [ __ ] you could die I went to bed and my wife woke me up in the middle of night she goes DJ died and I said just close the door you know I was coming down off Coke it was just another miserable [ __ ] night in my world but something went off and I go you know what this cat's not dying in my house this super bad is not dying in my house when I got up my wife was doing something in the kitchen at the time she was my girlfriend and I got on my hands and knees and I go God I [ __ ] I know you don't want to hear from me I know it's been a while but uh if you save this [ __ ] I'll never do Coke again and I could feel my Pinocchio nose I'm like oh my God this is such a [ __ ] [ __ ] but I started petting him you know and I he was parent I brought him oatmeal cookies and he was powering and purring and something like I just can't do Coke and it was three days Six Days Seven Days but I got on that set and it was 12 hour days so honest to God when I got home at night I was tired and some nights I would take a sleeping pill just so I'd have to deal with the the anxiety from not doing coke because quarter to eight every night no matter what I was doing a quarter to eight I would get those cramps in my stomach and I would black out on the way the ATM machine like I would cut people off yeah I wouldn't give a [ __ ] until I had that coke in my hand I was a mess once I had that coke in my hand I didn't do it right away I put it in my cocaine pocket yeah and then I did my comedy my comedy store as long as I knew I had it I'm good and once I do my last set then I could snort some [ __ ] Coke so when that [ __ ] cat lived like I stopped doing coke and I'm like so like it was that was it that was no relapses no relapse nothing that's crazy four days later I went and I bought a gram of coke and I went up to the comedy store because a friend of mine died and there was a wake for her like a gathering not awake and I had some incident happening up there and I got so hot that I gave the coke away and I just went home and I'm like wow for me to give Coke away [ __ ] Joey Diaz did not give him no like I was at home going I don't know if I should have gave it away and then it just turned into 30 days and I'm like why go back and then it was 60 days it was 90 days I didn't tell nobody I didn't tell Rogan I didn't tell anybody I didn't tell anybody for about six months did they was this what were you doing heroin at the time I had done some heroin that some just little Lines no shooting was that was that a joke or or did you write an address or was it a serious article a letter you sent to 60 minutes where you're like hey I was that close to writing the 60 That's My Show by the way I was that close to writing 60 Minutes a letter informing them that I had found the Cure on how to get off cocaine it was by doing heroin once a week everyone on Monday morning you're good you won't touch cocaine dude I was I was driving I was like I can't tell this is a joke because also it makes sense right guys when you're out there you're out there okay at least I caught it now I'm a big man who admit it now most people would say well we won't put that in the book but I was to that point in my life and I was like I'm on to something I can I can see the logic because I I quit dip I quit chewing tobacco because I was I like had like one month where I was partying hard and everyone hungover and I was like ah my mouth's too dry and after a full month I was like I guess I don't want to dip anymore so the cure to drink dip is to just drink every day all day when I would get you there whatever am I logical or does this make a lot of [ __ ] sense Whatever Gets you that you know will that would get you there well I mean I'm happy it all worked out because now I feel like you've probably done more good for people who are I think it's is I think it's important for people to hear advice or stories from someone who is real you know what I mean you can go to therapy you can talk to doctors and Specialists and experts and I'm sure they know their [ __ ] and they have good advice and they might even be telling you the right thing but when it's coming from someone who it's like you know what do you know about this you know you didn't live inside of the playground you didn't you know you didn't go to jail for this and that you didn't you weren't you know all that [ __ ] so when and then you see like you can because I'm sure the hardest thing for people is like I cannot imagine me getting off this drug or getting this job or getting out of this hole and being anything let alone being now a [ __ ] Superstar comedian and a published author and a podcast almost uh actor and all this [ __ ] like he went from you did both extremes brother both you know I want people to listen you could tell your son or your daughter not to do this and that we lose all the time we're going to lose to the influencers and Snoop Dogg and whatever the [ __ ] else you know and you can't blame them they're young they're naive they're stupid and then they they catch on you know they catch on and then you move on you know that's what you pray for you move on with me it was like yeah I lived in a house where I saw drugs so I had already a premonition that I'm a smoke pot yeah that's already established I don't like booze right even though my mom had a bar [ __ ] hate food you don't drink at all I hate what people look like when they drink it drives me [ __ ] crazy and then uh Coke I thought I'd never do but my first three years of smoking pot nobody knew I was that much of a Catholic nerd that nobody knew I advising cologne I would make sure my mom wasn't going to be around for 10 hours because I did not want to get confronted by her for rifa and I knew she smoked but something about it just I couldn't have my mom know I smoke you know and she didn't know when she died she didn't know I didn't want people I didn't want to [ __ ] do Coke the first time I put a line in my nose I was done yeah and it was a week before my mother died week before mother that we played hooky we robbed a beer truck we got a case of the courts you know the little Biz you could freeze but courts you got to put them in a tub with ice and we were making uh like vodka and peppermint schnapps and we're sprinkling the coke on top again who does this [ __ ] stupid people do this and I garnish the rim cocaine in 1979 we're already making and we put them in the freezer like idiots guys come on that does nothing to you you know what I'm saying but there we are drinking and then finally we go we gotta do a line and I did a line I think I didn't [ __ ] say anything for a year like I was like uh I crossed the [ __ ] personal line I think the Artie Lang says that too the first time he did heroin where he like he's like alone in the hotel room this is gonna be a problem across a personal line now you know now you're in now you're in it man yeah you chase your whole life trying to get back but for me it was listen I saw all these people going to rehab I tell you what really got me going when I saw the movie Ray at the end they were like he got off of heroin at like 60. I'm like I'm 44. I can't keep doing this so I'm 60 to finally one day yeah I got sick of it I got sick of that lifestyle I had so many people in my corner that wanted the best for me like I said I did not want my wife to pick me up and when I quit Coke I was getting to the point already where I was getting electric shocks in my neck at night like whenever I would get coked up I would just thought my neck would start buckling so I was right there yeah yeah yeah and I was laughing I got to tell you this story I used to go to acupuncture I still do 17 years late I still go to acupuncture I go for just General Health now but when I first started going it was for my weight and my addiction and she would put two things in my ears to go and they would help my addiction and she'd say whenever you feel like snort and rub them let me tell you something I would rub them and then at night I would I would snort coke just to blow them out of my ears like I couldn't wait so every Tuesday I went to acupuncture but I always got a gram of coke that night the test the acupuncture needles in my ears so I would snort till they popped out like even the muscle would go enough so it was just time listen you can't put it was just time to stop yeah but it was everything telling me like it's time to stop and now uh you now have your own like uh strain of weed and all that yeah that's I mean you you still find a hook yourself with something yeah yeah oh [ __ ] that yo your weed is too strong yeah I brought you something you guys smoke too bro I mean yeah this is dude it is thank you it is man I like this this is a little bit let's check this out this is when you really want to lose your mind dear you [ __ ] take this out right you put these little glasses on to remind you it's a lot of fun to just be a [ __ ] loser just having some time and you [ __ ] open this up and here you are the power of Christ you're Irish right that's my boy you know what my favorite I don't like how you didn't ask me I think that means the nose bro let me tell you out of all your stories you know the craziest ones and the wildest ones my favorite story about you is when um when Ari dosed Bert Kreischer oh my God oh my God and he called you up and was like I've never done this before I'm afraid I don't know what to do and you just showed up you took some Molly with him and you were like we're gonna ride this out together that is the best [ __ ] friend I've ever what are you gonna do you know and he accused him of go swim and [ __ ] yeah that's that's just [ __ ] like that's boys right there like and I guess it's not the worst thing in the world hey I got nothing to do this afternoon no I was at my daughter's kickboxing and when they called me and they said you gotta go baby no I took a home a mile ago I'll be right back and then I go I gotta go check on Bert something's going on over there I got there and they're [ __ ] I walk and I see Mrs Chrysler outside watering the [ __ ] flowers hi Joey what are you doing here they're in the back they called they needed some help with the podcast she goes go right in help yourself get a soda as I'm walking in I see him with a [ __ ] bikini on and Ari's got one with that [ __ ] body is and they're dancing everybody was having a good time I'm like oh [ __ ] all right and then the person can you believe me [ __ ] dosed me I'm like relax give me one pop [ __ ] it no big deal then they ended up at the comedy store drinking it was you know and that's what I said great but one thing before I get out of it I gotta tell you to Irish something only women that ever dated me were Irish can you please tell me why my wife is Irish the girl before that was Irish in grammar school McNeil [ __ ] Mains I dated nothing but Irish people I want to try their father crazy Dayton again no I don't know no because they're on the side I've never had racism I've never really dealt with a lot of people saying if if racism is not you calling me a speckle you can be calling you a mick yeah that's not what it says guys we're friends we're down hey spit come over my dad's looking for you yeah with the mashed potatoes on top Italian all your bus balls and you talk [ __ ] but there's never any like hate behind me I tell you what I found out I found out the reason why Cuban and Irish are [ __ ] tight is because Battle of the Boeing 1600 1680 or something like that the Irish that didn't want to fight went to Cuba because it was a Catholic country so when I was growing up I grew up with a kid that had an O'Sullivan was half Cuban I was like yeah half Cuban and I went to his house one time I grew up with a couple of Solomons but this old Sullivan was from Union City when I was younger and his parents had the Saints and the [ __ ] you know the fried bananas but the father was Irish and he's right there you know I'm playing The Bongo I'm like whoa what's going on it's like a fun version of the German Argentinian yeah yeah but it's like and then I thought about it every Irish girl I've ever dated the dad's around their [ __ ] mind yeah like Irish dads around their [ __ ] minds and their daughters love it the daughters love that [ __ ] you know my male girl is Irish as can be and I give us things from time to time like I'll give her a half a number I'll give her some mushroom bars yeah yeah and she's like not 60 like me she's like 40 maybe 38 good looking woman and I went to the gym a couple weeks ago and the guy at the Gym's like there's a guy who comes in here he's like his wife is your male girl because I ask like whenever you want to come over and blow a bone you're more than welcome my wife won't say nothing my daughter's upstairs we can do a bong hit watch a game so she went home and told the husband I'm going over to Joey's to get high you ain't coming your husband's losing his mind yo I I love you Joey I don't want my wife coming home and saying that no but he's mad Joey Diaz's house to do drugs and hang out he's mad cause she won't take it for him yeah I'm not bringing you yeah because you're gonna ask him for a picture or something I'm not bringing you I was like holy [ __ ] the um we're gonna let you go I know you but uh I gotta tell you my one of my favorite stories in the book is one of the very simple and but just the image of it to me just kills me when you guys got all dressed up to watch uh Puerto Rican Nelson [ __ ] and you had on your little suits all of us we were all such [ __ ] Catholic nerds we were all such Catholic nerds Jesus Christ you know the church just turned you into a [ __ ] nerd because I was a wild man for a while Harlem 88th Street but Church you know I had a great priest growing up and then Sacred Heart School for boys I had a good guy but they geek you they they just I don't know they brainwash you man yeah for a couple years I still brainwash I still [ __ ] pray to God that he forgives me for in that none yeah you know I don't want no problems with that mother what if we die and there ain't dick you know so I just wanna when you turn 50 and you're still alive a guy like me you start to tend back to the church a little bit Yeah you start going in there you know what I'm saying I really do I can't lie to you after I became 50. I started talking about God again God is the savior very last thing we we have when we have guests on um we like to talk about like we're not talking about asking what their favorite fun fact is do you have like you got a fun fact for us like we had on the guy who told us where what the origin of it's raining cats and dogs or uh you know what that means raining cats and dogs no it was uh like back around like the Industrial Revolution when you had a farm and and you worked your family like your your pets would actually work with you right and the cats and dogs would be out like in the in the Barns and the farms and they would hang out on top of the roof and the roof was like a straw roof so if it rained a lot it would break and the [ __ ] cats and dogs would fall on so that was if it rained enough it was raining cats and dogs so he taught us that you got it it doesn't have to be something like that but any any words of wisdom any fun facts from Joey Diaz speaking of Catholics [ __ ] Saint Francis of Assisi wasn't he gonna get he was going to go to jail for murder or something and a note came through the [ __ ] ceiling from God and so he was in this island well look it up [Laughter] murderer I don't know if that's the same priesthood I'm fat for me one of the things I get off on the most I don't know oh there was more Cadillacs in Cuba in 1955 than they were in the United States of America that's a great one I mean it's crazy Cuba's just [ __ ] big and that's why when you watch Scarface he keeps talking about catalog remember it's a Cadillac yeah holy [ __ ] [ __ ] Cubans love cats you've got to understand this [ __ ] we're [ __ ] America lovers that has to be every single person in Cuba has a Cadillac to outweigh a [ __ ] America that's insane it's a Cadillac that's a great one that's a fun fact great little [ __ ] crazy [ __ ] that you learned is they call it useless information yeah yeah it becomes useful when you can put together a book and put together all your stories and stuff so this is uh it's a great read I also I I recommend usually I like to read a book but I recommend the audiobook because you yourself do it and I feel like it's one of those things when you're reading it you're like oh I could hear Joey saying this and it's like you can just pop it in and actually hear you yeah you know with your voice and and your style so you can either listen to it or read it quick easy fun and I mean one of a kind truly wonderful let me tell you something guys I'm gonna show you my seat okay those are some Irish Catholic legs [Laughter] [Applause] [Laughter] so my father gave me that before he punched the tickets so that's my story brother thank you guys this was fun anytime just give me a call I'll shoot over here I got everything all right big thanks for watching if you made it through this whole episode that means you should be subscribed to so many of you out there who are watching don't subscribe so make sure you are a KFC radio subscriber make sure you get all the content when it drops click that button now I have nine fingers I'm still subscribed that easy

Channel: KFC Radio

Views: 284,290

Keywords: kfc radio, kfc voicemail, barstool sports, barstool podcast, kfc barstool, voicemail, barstool voicemail, feitelberg, feits barstool, barstool sports podcast, kfc, radio, kevin clancy, comedy, joey diaz, joey diaz barstool sports, joey diaz kfc radio, joey diaz joe rogan, joey diaz bert kreischer ari shaffir

Id: Yc0HM75GDKw

Length: 75min 40sec (4540 seconds)

Published: Thu May 11 2023