Joe Lycett - Richard Herring's Leicester Square Theatre Podcast #195

hello and welcome so we chose this square theatre podcast we didn't so well I travel everywhere by mini train now we've Dave Gorman that's how it goes this one's Joel I sit though on the actual podcast I'm not talking to Dave it's just the constancies behind me if you like the hello super why not come and see some of them in 2019 now we've got more less Square Theatre from the 4th of February 1st of April every Monday and we're also turning the country to lots of places and anyway let's simply go to rich Chang calm / gigs and you can find out where we're coming there's Wolverhampton and Brighton and bar a lot of places as they've government hello Dave hello let's see you enjoyed the show bye [Music] ladies and gentlemen welcome to the Leicester Square theater please welcome Anne who today on Twitter has tweeted a picture of him holding a gigantic stone and looking delighted he's Richard hello and welcome to retains Leicester Square Theatre throguh my throat gonna I'm gonna what run through it and see if it goes away though I was talking to Neil Kinnock at the the Sheffield rally on the 1st of April 1992 and he calls it a Smurfs and he also said we're all right [Music] cool mainly remember that from that anyway yes I've been doing more of my stone clearing my you've been following this I'm probably and turn this into a separate podcast there's some people don't enjoy this material as much it's a running theme through this series I was a field near me where I live I walk my dog ran it's very stony I've started taking the stones off the field and creating works of ice a work of art really it's a sort transgressive odd thing I like to do I'm trying to build a wall around the edge of the fields of massive field I have to say and there there are a lot of stones I think I can do in the next 40 or 50 years it was for me and but this week well first of all but today I found like I found an iceberg stone I don't need to tell you what that is that is a stone that doesn't know that big when you go to get it but then you find it it's underneath the ground there's like it was as big as my baby's head and there's a photo we hunt Twitter looking insane holding it over because people take photos of themselves they go fishing don't they if they get a big fish so why shouldn't a man you collect stones Prairie Sheriff Oh what's the difference no difference is the difference but somebody in my village is taken against my stones I've made quite a lot of cans is quite a big there's a beginnings of a wall in one corner and someone Amit Lee is right outside their back gate that goes onto the field they've kicked it all over yeah well that's okay you know people I'm an artist and that aspect van Gogh when he was out in the sunflower fields people probably were throwing tomatoes at and when they don't [ __ ] off van Gogh what you doing leave those sunflowers alone spec told Michelangelo old Michael Angelo explain when he was carving David people were chipping bit so that often they it's just the one that's my favorite Michelangelo he's the best first things Michael secondly manager that is is also in the tales only so he said he had a very career all right we're all right we're all right so that's my that's my week oh it's because it's cold now it's winter after and any stone clears out they will know how did you get down and the stones are so cold in the ground it's unbeliev me and this is why it's a real life you have to get there when you feel those stones you know that one day you too will be under the ground and as cold as those stones but you're alive and you touch them you know your bones will one day but it's an amazing experience so do keep it go if you haven't I'm not crazy I'm not crazy so please welcome my guest this evening we've only got one guess there's only one podcast each week as we know everyone knows that he's probably best known according to Wikipedia I think he might put this on just before this morning knowing that I would see it and then introduce him as it and it isn't true it's probably best known as bungle in not what you're thinking is in two pints of lager and a pack of crisps 2002 could that be him for real let's find out ladies nobody's Joe license [Applause] sit down welcome back welcome back hello everyone I didn't put that on there that's not me is it is it true that you were it's absolutely 100% true is it I was bungle in two pints of lager and a packet of crisps but it got cut in the Edit and I was furious about it yeah but thank you for reminding me now I don't know who's done there Wikipedia's a weird thing isn't it cause people just decide what they want you to be on it and then I put it on there and nobody really checks yeah a citation needed a citation needed have you had any curious things oh yeah all sorts of things there was something on this this week about Stuart Lee saying I was shagger which is true I'm gonna be a nobody said it but we've had sex I've had I have shagged how was it telling me it was quite the first time not very good no and then that's the only time I've done it once it was Quinn Stuart Lee well I think I found the root of your problem I imagine Stuart to be a selfish and [ __ ] lover yes I imagine he intellectualize is it too much like all [ __ ] things and actually you just want a [ __ ] weirdly enough I tell you backstage I've never have a [ __ ] off a man didn't I do well that's one of our backstage to masturbate me with the hand of a hundred so I mean people in the room might not know that I am I am I would say I'm the number one fan of the Richard Herring Leicester Square Theatre there might be people in the room that disagree with that and that's probably cuz they've listened to all of them and paid to come and see something to come see them I won't do neither but I listen to your podcast a lot and I'm really thrilled to be on it again I know last time I was on a talked about how much I love the show and whatever but this year so I went to Italy for a while and I had a car and I drove around Italy for a little bit and listened to loads of the show and a very soothing while I was on the motorways of Italy that was before one of the bridges collapsed in Italy whether I would do it again I don't know but I love to think if you were on a collapsing bridge yes and laughing at least you as you went yeah Catherine Ryan delivering an anecdote like tower to my death yeah no I think it's a really fun podcast I'm really thrilled to be on it and I have thoughts oh good it's welcome it's lovely to have you back have to say and don't hear my thoughts straight into that yes government sometimes it becomes tired sometimes no I really enjoyed our silly then I felt really say no it's really good you really I mean what level of guest UK you've really learned stuff for all Joe lights it but I'm thrilled to be here you know it's been it's been lovely it's a very fun thing for me to do and nearly always it's nice nearly always good yeah how are you feeling that this one might well I've give this as a few of cracking I'm gonna play ever desperately drinking wine - er drinking back to be fifty - Cheers if you want eight of these yourselves but home go to be fifty to calm stash really super there's all sorts of things just keep them around just in case things get boring emergency questions I can just all let's ask one let's go to the first one what is your favorite color 2:09 what a good question orange and that's why that books orange oh my god he knows his [ __ ] I like orange because I you say the reason I chose orange is my favorite color as a kid was because I liked sweets orange and I liked sweets my daughter's the same she loves sweets she's like three and a half and how's that going yes it's good it's good fun this morning she said she saw the Apple logo on the back of her phone and she was debating why there was a hole in the Apple and she decided it was cousin Hansard eaten the bit that's adorable sister if she asks why can't we live forever I don't think she's quite grass she's obsessed with death as I think kids are I was obsessed with death but any child of Richard Herring would know he could come at any moment I it's a shame you know it's a shame that you can't even once you've procreate especially you sort think it'd be nice to hang around to see how they got on and then they'll have more kids and then you you don't want to give up the story dear so it's a shame God's a [ __ ] idiot why would someone who was immortal create mortality that is my question to you that is the more interesting question so he was immortal God he'd always been he always will be no nothing lived or died he think I'm gonna make some stuff but it's not gonna be like me it's gonna die why would he do that joke I don't know this is lots of questions like that and baffle me all the time so I'm interested in the concept of nothingness at the minute so um I'm reading a book about Buddhism and one of the sort of big things in Buddhism is about accepting that you are the not-self basically that you don't exist in some ways in lots of ways the Buddhists actually not a good way to sell books is it's not but I'm really interested in the concept of nothingness because if nothingness is a thing then you still have it's still a concept it still exists in the in the concept of it doesn't there and so if you think of nothing this is an absence of matter and ideas and the laws of physics all of their it still exists within the framework of the idea of nothingness so nothingness can't possibly exist because it's an idea even though it in cases and something that is nothing it's not interesting and lovely for your podcasts yeah you know we've gotten quite serious quite quickly yeah I've been on the wine yeah but Nick is said true but it's if you went out clearing stones from fields you'd get an idea and it's once you've got your fingers in the ground the ground so cold Joe yeah and you don't realize how cold the universe is until you put your hand in a field in a way is the is the universe in a microcosm of the universe yes and you put your hand in you realize god that's it and that this field has been in these stones have been here for a long time and we work we're here for a fleeting second form in the life but will be dead soon for please by the rich energetic question this book with hard time buy the new one don't say the new one got you this old [ __ ] yes check that out god it's terrible paper quality actually I prefer the published by published by proper publishing yes Fiat you see you get a proper publisher and they go for shitty old paper with this this is obviously a lovely um uncoated stock that's what's okay known as this thing I used to be a graphic designer that's really lovely worried about that like you know they throw any old [ __ ] out like that when or they let me have a look at that this was a kickstart roared and Chris Evans not that one when he does the Kickstarter woods as you'll find if you've got your you're a friggin fifty stuff through is a beautiful bag saying a bag for life there's if you've done the Kickstarter for the really super there's an amazing Rubik's Cube there's much better quality than it needs to be I have to say the already here the on like the the finding on it is it isn't perfect okay that feels smells cheap yeah where is this beautiful very nice and that was go faster stripe and you know they're people that care about [ __ ] whereas who's this sphere whose the [ __ ] heard of sphere maybe you never know you know this will go out though into the world and they probably won't be they're happy they're an imprinted little brown book group yeah so I am trying to troll a book group urgently because so um there was a book that was released which is like a thousand jokes or something like that and all of the jokes in there from comedians who I know basically and none of them were credited and none of them were obviously being paid for the book the jokes that you know stolen from them essentially for that book so I pitched to that company my own joke book and they were obviously very interested because I'm Joel I set off to television lutely so I said oh I've got an idea for a book of loads of jokes and lovely great send us a pitch so I sent them a pitch and there's some sample chapters and in those sample chapters was literally a copy and paste of their book they may they'd already got published and they were like yeah we're really interested how much do you want and I went in really high like seven million or something stupid and they weren't old actually that's not for us which is annoying cuz I really wanted to get a essentially wanted to publish a book of third-hand jokes that they'd stolen from people like Gary Delaney and Tim Vine and all these brilliant comics and they just nobody can do anything cuz we're comics always if you feel the guards lenient invite people if you put out a book that was their of their joke I feel if I had explained the logic of why I had done it they would have been they would appreciate yes and I probably would have given them the money but likely more likely gone to the south of France had a lovely time fair enough well it's quite interesting because you do you have this skittish sort of playing with the world in fact we recognize you do the things that most comedians do as a way to procrastinate away from working which is going on Twitter and being naughty yeah and you've turned that into your main source of be very impressive it's really silly I don't know how I've managed it really but people seem to really engage with it and I'm glad because I've got nothing else what a comedian yeah there's lots of things comedians should be but it's one of the things that commit is good for a community to be is to be like a fly in the ointment yeah just doing things I mean it's not most of them are for no real reason it's not I mean I saw men one of your reviews were saying you know Mark Tom Thomas will do big stunts for big political reasons and not many of yours have real any real point to them beyond let's let's have a go at somebody's been a bit of a dick but thank you for your input is a compliment because this is it's you know it's just it's that fine you even think it's just being a spanner in the works yeah [ __ ] around for the fun of it yeah I don't I don't go heavy like Marc Thomas's and I think Mark Thomas is absolutely amazing ordinary and and and rightly very political and I don't consider myself to be a political comedian because I don't really know who's right so I don't want it I don't want to put my sort of like opinion into the ring because I don't I don't know but again I think that's something the comedian possibly should be as well I mean again there's no definitions or comedians have to be yeah but the communal be taking the piss out of everything and everyone yeah and so the minute you've now two covers to a mast on a subject then it's quite difficult to do that it is absolutely so I still like well like nail my colours to the mast on certain things so in my current show I have a whole thing about trying to destroy the career of Tom Daley because he was sponsored by Barclays to go to gay pride last year and had loads of Barclays like branding all over him whatever and I felt like cool go to pride and publicize that as much as possible but to be sponsored by them and to be paid to go to a political event which pride is the first one was a riot to me is the equivalent of going black lives matter with Tesco like it doesn't it doesn't it's not you're not really on board with the idea I don't think if you're being sponsored by them so I have a whole thing in that so that is like a big idea that I am challenging I also just like slag off my friends kids as well which is not you know they're they have no political beliefs well I feel they're brexit ears but I mean they have no real you know there's no real reason to slag them off other than that I find works and I'm difficult with children and you know getting in touch I mean I used to do this when I was a student where you'd find out you could get some vouchers off companies if you can put my spurious complaints about stuff yeah then you do sort of funny stupid complaints and I mean I spent so much time I was what then if I talk to you about this I was think I've mentioned before like there was I spent like a long time writing this very long letter from a mad old person about how I think it was Golden Wonder said they were Britain's noisiest crisps and then he was debating how they'd worked that out yes so and so I wrote along and like I said I was gonna send that life which dates it and you say Golden Wonder of Britain's noisiest crisps sir but I've heard loud noisy a whispers it was that kind of terrible tortoise really long long poem and got two pounds of free crisps pouches understood was delighted yeah you know if I just gone and done a job that day I could have probably made 200 quid yeah that is very much my vibe like any any claims like that I'm happy to sort of pick up our and I do also somebody since I get quite a lot these days of messages on Instagram from people sort of claiming I mean their fake accounts essentially just all girls in bikinis being like hey and then you look and they've got two followers and they've been on Instagram for a day and I will often reply to that I like to convince them that I'm trapped in a well that's that's my new thing so I'll be like very light chill and a bit flirty and then when they get really down to the nitty-gritty of like hey why don't you click on this link I'll be like I can't because I'm trapped down where well you collected these in in this fabulous books been out for a little while a few years but I got it for Christmas a couple of years ago from my wife who's a big fan of yours okay today's a great oh did you call a Katie Haring now I know I call a Katie walkins I always don't let her get too settled in the role okay oh so she sort of reluctantly took my name so I don't want to but I don't want to labor the point too much so let on all the documents yeah it's Katie Harry yeah yeah but you know working life which got lots of she's a children's author she's called Kathryn Wilkins there when she says call Katie Wilkins right that sort of is a trick to stop people realizing that's the same person yes Republic Leon your body no one could see through that disguise but yes as I've been rereading it it's there's lots of great fun stuff in it I love the did you really I never believe anything you say why not cuz I just don't trust you alright cuz they're all the things I love you Richard oh he's this that's why that's why you love me so much I don't trust something you can't look me in the eye because you know it's true I love you too you're wonderful you were to an Aztek mini-golf input like in place yes true that is true why was the Aztec mini go [ __ ] knows it was in I can tell he's still there Star City Birmingham yeah I think it's called Adventure Island mini girl Star City okay and I worked there I don't know on and off for about a year and I would basically give the golf clubs out and the balls and work on the tiki hut where they would do little cocktails and beers that's nice actually pop round but mini golf though I mean isn't it for kids mini go yeah but the parents want to get pissed yes I would so like I mean I would provide that service with cocktails while their kids are playing mini golf they're getting pissed I mean it's a good idea gonna go there well there's a new one in Birmingham which called ghetto golf and you can just take beers around with you like it's encouraged like it's totally shit-faced so that's the new thing but that was back in the day when I was working the mini adventure on a mini golf Star City and yes the it was perfectly fine little job I enjoyed it I quite like this little job so how did that and I worked in a theater I worked in a couple of theaters selling ice creams and working on the bar yeah I liked all those jobs in the mini golf the manager there was a little bit nervous about for some reason about um terrorism yeah and thought that there might be a terrorist attack so we had to do occasional sort of what you call it drills thank you so much voicing the darkness and we had to do drills and you normally say in like any of these establishments like want to worked in the theater if there's a fire I'm sure it's the same in the Leicester Square Theatre rather than say over the radio there's a fire on [ __ ] stage or whatever you say mr. sands is on stage or something of that ilk but the people who worked in minigolf didn't really understand metaphors or similes and so we had to say mr. bomb is on hole number four so we had a few drills where we had to do that and then the people in mini-golf in Birmingham so you know that's a lot Missha to bombs y'all know you get that and you go and check number four and then you go false alarm and then that was it yeah it's weird that with that mr. sands because like so well I mean I note from the theater and but it's kind of you hear it in other places you go yeah well I'm wonder whether they've changed it now whether that site but I think still be lovely mr. Baum mr. huge fire mr. yeah no one would suspect that no they wouldn't mr. Richard Herring is on stage yeah and you are on fire tonight oh that would clear that would that would clear at the theater next question I might go to remotes question in a second emergency question I love this podcast I think you'll be able to answer this question I've got fed up with the Daily Express who asked women questions they wouldn't ask men so I started to ask oh yeah and the dead presence also will take like a tiny little nugget of something it's happened on television and turn it into a full ask yes well I'm I hosted Sunday brunch once and I did some little cursory joke about Simon Rimmer being dead or something like I can t remember he was and they turn into his bigger comedian slam Simon Rimmer says he's dead or whatever the Yahoo was and it's just some prick who's got nothing going on in their lives he's been paid a tenner to write an article for the Express yeah well there happens a lot with the chase with sure we all talked to Jenny Ryan about that exact thing I think of the next book cause because they were obsessed with it and that'll show next week yeah next week though we're gonna talk about that and have expressive just obsessed returning fairly trivial incident yeah into massive our Bradley was when insane I mean is the press but when you sort of in and you've done the show and you go like oh it's just a tiny little joke you kind of realize you got a [ __ ] like there are people watching everything you do is the little bit and it's interesting when they go back through things I've been obsessed with the whole Seann Walsh on Strictly thing and they go back through all of his material of stuff that he's done like years ago he joked about shagging like ten years ago and they use that and go well obviously they find it fascinating is you've got to create so much stuff that it's too much work for them to go through yeah that's what I've done they find a [ __ ] of a lot of stuff but who could be bothered who could be bothered well this is a question of dates press asked women and I'm gonna ask it to you and yes it but I it feels quite apt for you what's your beauty secret all women get asked that question regardless of whether they're interested in beauty or that's what is your beauty secret would you say Joel I see I would say very expensive creams really only because I was gifted some because I'm in show business what was I doing the great which is sewing pain oh yes and I was because it was a full series whatever we Cicely am I allowed to say that sounds like I'm endorsing them we can say anything you like no I don't want to endorse a brand okay Cicely a wankers and the kill kids there you go it's like now it's half way yeah it's half way it might come back from there cream yes maybe that's why my skin is so wonderful because it's used from the dead children that they've murdered to put into their cream which they definitely do and I will agree to it in court [ __ ] Daily Express has got a new article certainly have comedian kills kids by accident by wearing Sicily cream and I've started using Sicily cream I turned 30 this year and this cream like I don't buy anything like that normally but the makeup girl put it on me and I think my skin is a lot better so yeah I went through a period of putting those anti-aging things on in my 30s your skin is very good is good they're only eight year old man I love you Richard I love you too okay this is how this is all right this is athis we're gonna be a weird one but this isn't weird nothing's weird between what is them why are you top off what is my D you'd be good in this actually you don't do that much acting but you could be no never I am an audition for men in black 3 [ __ ] if I'm allowed to say that okay I didn't get it okay and they kill kids you could being I've got an idea for a sitcom called horny time traveler in which just a man or a woman goes back in time and just just [ __ ] famous people from the past and fails that's the comedy element otherwise it'll be a drama I might pitch both but this comes out of that what is the lamest modern-day item that you tip you took it back in time to say the Middle Ages would lead you to be ruler of the world what was the worst thing could take from the modern day back to the Middle Ages that would impress the middle aged people so much that they would decide you the king because I often think about like my late grandmother you know if I went back in time and I showed to the iPhone and all the things you could do on that how amazing that would be and how in all she would be of that she would um whether she'd be so adjusted by though I mean everyone would be not just you I think she'd be more like she was always confused by any technology so she'd be like you know and then die as she did and iPhone will be quite a lame thing to take back because you wouldn't be able to charge it and you won't be able to use it so it would just be a brick that lit up for a bit and then stop lighting I think you've nailed it you you take like a USB charger this is very powerful because we all need one yeah at all times essentially yeah I don't know actually the Nintendo switch I think they'd find a bit interesting one I mean that's good though so I think they'll be impressed by like a coke something I always thank you think you can take a co hang about go look at that the guy how do you make fashion this oh how far back are we going my middle ages middle ages back then well not a lot yeah just a mud mainly City bottled water you could take bottled water back they think that's silly with that they would love that why they drink beer because the water was so bad the drink that's why everyone was drunk the Middle Ages it was the best time I feel like I've really failed you on this question it's a difficult question I mean in a way it's a stupid question no never on this show oh you did and don't you ever think that and if you ever think that call me immediately we can I just come like when you interview anyone can I just come and sauce it sort of just off yeah and just sort of stroke you and every like I feel that it's going badly because there at times like I was driving around Italy I thought Richard struggling a little cuddle would help some time but to be honest some of them just a little sleep yeah you know beautiful yeah yeah you could just sit there and just could take it but it was more when my son just been born here that's it was all right with my daughters but when they were two of them I was very tired through the second one of some of those I mean like I don't even know I talked to you off the time are there any that you could say now that you really didn't enjoy there are a couple go on then usually when the guest is drinking I didn't enjoy the second Stewart Lee episode very much nobody enjoys to it I'll ask University question hell it's a good question this is for this is for a date this is a good question for you but you've never been asked this yes do you have a favorite joke oh [ __ ] I was asked this question well in a way I'm not sure I'm allowed to talk about this they well I'll have to use an alias use an alias for yourself no not for my so a garrison I saved the people to see through oh joy I did a show with a octogenarian okay chef okay female okay Harry Jerry might have a name right might like rhyme with that it's not gonna happen yet I don't know whether they put it out after what happened we were cooking a chicken pie and we were making pastry and there was self-raising flour involved in the pastry and there's a book that joke in the book about self raising flour I said oh that reminds me of a joke that I wrote which is some self raising flour I blame the parents this is stupid Lil's whatever joke and she went oh you're a comedian you must write a lot of jokes I said yes oh yeah I do yeah she said Oh what sort of jokes and I thought there's none that I can tell if they're appropriate and she said oh no I love jokes tell us a joke and I like was racking my brains because I don't really write jokes also storytelling and what you've said like kind of like trolling people and whatever the only joke that came to mind because I was making a chicken pie was um misunderstood the meaning of jerk chicken and now I'm not allowed within 5 miles of any foul and and she laughed yeah so I was buoyed by the Hat she said oh I like that what does it mean and I said it's about wanking off a chicken because I was confident from the fact that she laughs and the silence and she just went with the pace and at the end of the shoot the director said anyone for jerk chicken and that was with Mary berry I was trying to work it out thought it could be Fanny Cradock she she was still alive here's a good question for you have you ever caught a falling nun no I have that's why it's good question for me and I came up with that because I have caught a falling nun it's nitch but if you have you've got a story telling you that's the thing but if you haven't you can move on to the next one how many do you how many people do you think of like people who are alive today have let's do a sample how many people shout out as 220 people in here tonight shower if you've ever caught a falling nun poor people so like one in 50 times you're gonna get like an amazing story about not falling over jumping in catching it before defining falling nuns and also where an under is falling or one that's falling from a high heavy any of those says that's why it's such a good question because there's all those scenarios if the trip he wants that's falling but I just came out and I'm not really because the lights are so bright I'm not seeing the audience yeah are we in a nunnery it's that how this is a Kurt no I was in habitat in Hammersmith it's not there anymore don't go looking for it and and none I just added that to my to-do list and none tripped on the stairs if I jumped in underneath her she felt she was falling as I jumped him I love you so much thank you she was very grateful give me some more I think we should do the whole book to try that on one occasion um and this is that occasion let's do Christmas Christmas has just happened as you know it was a wonderful time of year if you could spend Christmas with any celebrity who would it be and how would you explain to them that why you were in their house Eamonn Holmes and I would explain to him clearly it was because I was there to glass him with a bottle of Chateau nothing if not honest just kids okay here's an emergency question but I don't think I've asked anyone this question yeah some of these questions I don't remember writing and I've never been said out loud knees and elbows seem flawed I think we can all agree about that what do you find most annoying about them and how would you improve them right gosh there's a lot to take in there I mean I don't know why then I don't know why they personally wrote that question things that knees and elbows are flawed I think they're pretty good I guess because they can break easily and you can hurt them quite easily yeah my elbow broke my left elbow I was doing a photo shoot but I mean you can see now it's fully recovered it's a little weaker than the right arm but that's fine but apparently the bone itself is a lot stronger because when they real or whatever they kind of get stronger I did that I was doing a photo shoot and I kicked one leg into the air because I was showing off and then whilst that leg was in the air I then kicked the other leg into the air and then gravity did it's old [ __ ] thing and I landed on concrete and landed on the elbow and all the people in the photo shoot made the noise that some of your audience members of may versus going on and I because he then going to shock I said yeah fine totally fine and carried on with the photo shoot for half an hour and literally every photograph in the rest of that photo shoot is hilarious because it's just me being like yeah I can't extend it at all that totally in distress like close to vomit I've gone like gray pink like yellow whatever color like really [ __ ] up so that elbow has betrayed me all at one occasion now I betrayed the elbow and I'm sorry about that Martin knees also get problems with my left knee yeah less so these days cause I'm started doing yoga um and that seems to have strengthened it out but yet they the right knee is fine but yeah the left knee does seem to so give me some chip you young still and I am a young man and when you're 50 like me everyone I am now yeah you're gonna be an awful pain no but yeah I will be no I definitely will if you were to live that long yes I know I think it's unlikely yeah do you think it's unlikely um but so I do you think yeah the knees elbows are sort of less I'm less worried about but the knees will go and if you remember in Baz Luhrmann's sunscreen which I like all all that advice from yes it's good am one of the lines in that is be kind to your knees you miss them when they're gone so have you been kind to yours well I'm not really no hey I've got quite fats which puts a bit of pressure on them and I'd do quite a lot of running when I'm not fat I do a lot running here's another line from Basler okay you are not as fat as you imagine okay well I imagine the other day I was doing I got recorded last minute to do this celebrity House of something Games Hollywood quiz thing on channel 5 I get all the big gigs of the last minute yeah and there was a bit where they had to do an action replay something and then they swung the TV round for us to look at it and they could see was on TV and again is that really fat bloke on acting here's another Smith yeah don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85 fair enough that's true do you know the whole song yeah do let's let's do the whole thing I'll try my best okay it's really [ __ ] long yeah ladies and gentlemen I'm not gonna do the whole song I'm a lovely bits in that though like I'm I do like I listen to it sort of every sort of three years and go like how actually it's all there isn't it things like don't waste your time on jealousy sometimes you're ahead sometimes you're behind the race is long but in the end it's only with your that is true Stuart Lee tell me about it yeah it's true I buy I subscribe to that you can only compete with yourself it's the whole ethos of me one versus meeting that was hurtful to say this shortly thinking I take it back otherwise I'd rather be me than him well this is it I get very jealous of Jack Whitehall do you because I used to support did you support this to support him and I also went to university at the same time and he like he was the first person I met that we've got really famous and it is really hard when you're sort of worked with somebody and you've been around somebody who gets like wildly famous you get really like oh that would be fun wouldn't it on really laser respect and all of that and then the relationship gets really sort of weird and sort of yeah and I've never told Jack about that but I do like occasionally just get up I'd like to do that most things that he's done because he's done everything easily but he mainly had sex with Jimmy Chen that's the main thing as the main villain yes I met Gemma Chen couple of times she's very nice yes never had sex with a day when I was furious I just want have sex with a robot I want to make very clear for my if my wife's list hello Casey yeah so um you know I'm pologize for being hurtful I just said it in the moment I mean also I've worked with Steve Coogan who's done a lot better than Stewart Lee so I was gonna be jealous of anyone I think you know there's people I look at who are doing more what I would like to be doing I think if I but I'm still not I think I think as you get older I think it is once you're past 40 linking and heading down the hill to death you sort of realize what's what you know I used to obsess about things like that yeah and be and be jealous of people and be what I'm worried about what happens were going and trying to work out why because it's so confusing life and this is why people get starting to believe that outside forces are responsible for their lives not being that great or think someone they're trying to blame anyone but themselves a most of the things that going wrong for you or not working for you will be because of you for some reason and B there are Moya there are more important things then than you know being the first openly gay character in a Disney film like Jack White was doing there's me yeah Jack white or what he's about to do it yeah he's about to do he's filmed it already yeah um ya know that yeah you're absolutely right and let's think most the time I don't feel no chasm I feel really thrilled for him because he's so talented and he works [ __ ] hard but then there just occasionally times where I go that that's normal and Afghan I think it's as you're younger I think it's more really still comes to everyone but this I think as you get older if you if you allow those things to ferment then they ya you turn into a horrible bitter technology as it's happening I go that's interesting that thought and it's not just Jack like all sorts of other comics and different people working lotzie kind of gala who or whatever and I know that people will do it about me for stuff that I've had and whatever like that is the night some people look at my career and envy that so imagine how I do magic mostly this is an end we've all gig like this is really fun and like people will envy me and quite rightly that I'm a guest on this show had a lovely time on it always okay yeah um so I wish Jack the best of luck but is interesting thing to talk about because I think it and I think comedians especially especially stand-up comedians and solo comedians you know you're working you know you're you're you'd the product and you're fighting for position and there's a lot of competitions yeah also you're you know you are you feel like a Blazek [ __ ] when you do if you've succeeded to the level you have that sort of also incredible so it's just it's a flipping your mindset over yeah oh yeah the other day I was sitting with my kids what today watching Noddy toy Detective together and my dog was resting its face on my shoulder and I thought this is pretty this is pretty good yeah you know that's so that you you sort of you know your priorities change a little bit and you and then once you're happy then it doesn't really matter about any of that stuff yeah and a lot of things that the really successful comedians do are really [ __ ] yeah that's the layout that you saw get into this position and you end up doing horrible stuff well you know things aren't aren't as creatively interesting as yeah say someone like Simon money who's never really had anything success he deserves I was doing my comedy then then someone you know who might be the same of no Stewart Lee so it's so you know it's it's all about getting in perspective but yes and it is it's it's normal I love you Richard thank you and you should very wise and also you did about a hundred amazing things at the moment in new things you're doing the sewing be that and so your heckler in the audience this woman here is the judge on the same big good actually done quite well she's been very good this is s my young who is like an extraordinary session electorate fashion thing fashion central Sint Maartens she's had an incredible life and she's a judge on the great where she's sewing be she's also bloody piss head-on and we went on the pits today we had asked we had a press day for it very good and I brought it on myself now by acknowledging that she's here about 10-15 minutes ago so you know you can yeah and we've got a lovely day haven't we have a lovely day yes you've been out getting drunk we've connecting train with the judge of the sewing bee yeah this is the daily the Daily Express are gonna be all over this he's a very good guy I like hanging out with us mate but there's a time and a place so yes I'm now hosting that show Claudia Winkleman did it but um decided not to for whatever reason oh so now I'm doing it and very grateful for that because it's been really fun we filmed it in the summer and it's a really lovely show it's made by the same people that make Bake Off and it's got all that like lovely fluffiness about it and yeah are you are you into sewing no way no I don't know anything about sewing yeah so good job in yes because you know otherwise you'd just be a drunk woman say man it's all right I wouldn't do that this will go out when like just after Christmas that's exactly when they want the press to be German has made trashed on I feel like you're a bad influence Joe on the people that you hang around without you you wouldn't have got drunk like this on their own without it without Joe no that's true she's teetotal come on so yeah exactly no she's she's honestly their life it yeah and she's 17 next year and that's what happens honestly it's a really fun lovely show and I'm not sure either me or Esme will be back on it we have a nice time yeah and then and then the thing I'm really excited about which will probably be starting if this goes out after Christmas Merry Christmas everyone and he had a lovely time Happy New Year it's a Channel 4 show that is a consumer show is sort of kind of like watchdog yeah but with jokes yes so like my take on because watchdog is great show and I approve of it but it's a bit dry as there and so we're going to sort of do left-field approaches to things so we did a pilot and we actually did a really fun thing with I can't say the name of the company can i it's it's sort of like it's sort of lie a bed-and-breakfast but it exists not in the water or on the land you got it I think I've got it yeah we discovered that allegedly God like I have to be so careful and this might have to get cut before like I'll tell you in the room we discovered that they were listing allowing people to list stuff on their platform that they didn't know buddy that the owners didn't approve of so we found things like Ellie Goulding's house was listed on this platform and she didn't approve of that like they've just taken the pictures off an estate agents and they were saying that whatever and they their public statement was like oh we've got an algorithm and it's fine like you know people we can't stop it entirely but we stopped most of it but there's loads of properties on that platform that are being advertised to people and they're paying on so that the rule is that they say if you pay on our platform you're fine but if you get sort of directed often they don't have anything to do with it happens so often you get directed off and you pay with Western Union or PayPal or whatever and then they just disappear and so they were allowing that happen loads and so they didn't stop it we went to them we said this is you've got to find some way of stopping this and they just were like no whatever we this is our policy so what we did is we listed their office on their platform and we sent him people there for a sex party there for like people there for a like a a satanic ritual and we claimed they had a cat in a box they were gonna sacrifice I went in doorstep to them and like they didn't let me into the office I was like would you like a glass of mint that was my like commit and we gots loads of money back for one of the cases so if we get it right it could be [ __ ] brilliant but it's one of those tricky things cuz legally like I have to be so careful I say even just now like you have to be really careful what you say about stuff because they'll try and see you and ruin your life but um my whole vibe is like let's [ __ ] these pricks up that's what you do well you won't have a job next year that's what you're doing the button that's you know it is taking that thing and that's what's interesting I think about social media is that you're able to you know whoever you are that you're able to if you if you critical of a firm they're very there because they know ever you I could be straight onto it and that goes it gets disseminated and then they're in they're in trouble you know so it's it's great that you think of those manage of ways of showing up the kind of hypocrisy in things we just have you been doing in the book and yeah well it's a series of that basic yeah and I'm really want to get sued cuz I think it'd be really good publicity and I don't even mind if I go to jail cuz they'd be really like great I think fun what kind of a sexy chair where I get [ __ ] all night love it I don't yeah or the sex jail crosswords and dick so today oh that's good to know good choice I think the thing we're being sued is you just lose all your money and possessions really Robin game which is probably not as much fun I don't never like a family or anything like know I haven't been sued no I can't believe it and I'm really rude about everyone you're a [ __ ] [ __ ] as we first thought [Laughter] the thing is when you watch showing me it's such a lovely show and Ezra is such a lot lovely like warm lovely but she's just trashed tonight it's a trillion we might get sued by the BBC I'm not sure whether we're like in breach of contract by just being out on the lash together and like we should say it wins the show [ __ ] it we know don't we know you might get sued by cotton oh yeah cotton itself may repel against you I could ask the other merci question I asked you one has been as well we'll see Oh your shirt yeah can we yeah I mean I don't I'm I'm literally happy to stay show you the rest of my life okay but I just wanted need a wee I wonder [ __ ] wires [Laughter] Joe have you ever sucked on a Fisherman's Friend lower-case same question to do with me now that's interesting isn't it so it's the subtext of that have I ever sucked the [ __ ] of a fisherman friend of a fisherman but like sucked his penis or just anything you can take it however you want well I don't know actually I don't know because right so I am I define myself as pansexual yes which is a form of bisexuality which is basically bisexuality but like gender is part of why I think I'm attracted to people but there's all sorts of other reasons I won't go into it into too much detail but I'm a sexually attracted to both men and women but also sort of gender is like a fluid thing so um but I actually sexually don't really engage that much with men and so I've only such a few cars and so I'm not sure I've not gone through the list of friends of the people whose [ __ ] I've sucked it's quite a lot of people and even if it's only a few people the Friends of those no I normally go for people without friends just sort of lower the lower the chances of it getting back to me so inevitably I probably have sucked at the admins friend so let's say yes okay good oh no SB you performed you performed on stage sure in the in the early 80s I understand yes good what do you do ask me with Glen Matlock from the Sex Pistols 1982 I was dead I wasn't around I was I was here I mean I wasn't here I was in cheddar but that was filmed for arena wasn't it so it's like it's available in the archives so somebody can find that can't they buy it sounds cool yeah yeah do tune in and trust the opinion of s may they great with your sewing big we'll try and find it SP online we will I'm just telling them what you're saying cuz they can't all here so I'm just stabbed as they come repeat I'd be amazed if any of this makes it into the no this is it I'm fabulous I'll be amazed many of our interview makes it pretend because that is slightly unusual where the guest was singing of milk dark in the audience she's a mic maybe we should do that for all of them she wasn't meant to come along tonight and we just you know we had to interview and whatever earlier we were hang in and then she said I'm gonna come to you for this thing and whatever and then I thought she might sit at the back and then she said that's best at the front right here we um I'll ask you robot I don't have cuz the last time you're on it was still in a while ago wasn't it was I talking about robots yes yeah that's the thing I get confused because I listen to the pocket that to you when you listen if you pause it and pretend you're answering the questions all the time I don't think asking this question if they're ever sex robots as any right-thinking person hopes would they be self-cleaning or would there be another small robot that would clean the sex over or would there be a person whose job was to clean out the sex robot before the next person used it can you think of a worse job than being um OS may let's ask us may that's true you might be very human which you are well as a man it's not like wildly difficult is it because you just give it a rinse but as a woman I'm not really sure what happens then you have to look like wait a bit and things like if you've not used a condom things that so fall out and oh actually no cuz I'm I'm a top not a bottom when I've ever have done gay stuff so actually it might have to like poo out some Cheers mind you God got you only thinking about it's awful being case they should be stopped perhaps stoned today that might be an appropriate response um I think that they I think they probably should be self I think there should be something right they managed to make a robot this but that human looking that people would want to have sex with it yeah they probably worked out the self clean the ass yeah I think all you need is are some sort of like some jet pump in the abdomen of a sex robot that just sort of like like sprays water into whatever cavity you've like [ __ ] and then that's what it pushes out the the jism and any kind of hot water as well because passing that like soap in there how sexy you're right very sexy is that's half as dense how sexy would it would have a sex work very sexy well that's me I have to agree we'll have to agree to differ on this we'll see there's some when it wasn't [ __ ] Jimmy Carr well but some people Richard Herring can't do that he says he has a wife I've not heard from Katie since he got married all right I'll ask you this and then maybe we'll good s men are going to say okay now are you gonna go I think we might have sex who knows no I shouldn't have said that wait a second wait till after the series is finished wait to make sure do tune in to see if there's a sexual tension there you go you have a tenth sexiest man in the world according yes accordingly yeah you've done your research you know you're not the said sexiest man they're called a shoot he is okay right are you the sexiest one well you know beauty is in the eye of the beholder we were talking about this there before like I think you know a is as may say you seventy now or 69 see you succeed like so 17 February which is not it Oh next month I see you actually that's impressive she knows that this is going out with a smile like this things going on you wouldn't think it but like I say to like you know people desexualize older people you know Esme is a sexy person she wants to go about you know having a nice life oh yeah and there's nothing wrong with that and it's sort of seen as that a little bit weird or whatever but you know when we get older do you think so my friend Tommy Korn has asked me this do you think when you're old you'll find old people sexy it's whether you feel sexy I think that's the thing as you get older maybe doing back that can so some people do as wait and when I'm 70 I'm gonna have a nice fresh yeah I think it's already started to be fair cuz it's a lot of effort isn't it yeah thirty forty years well they'll be sex robots by the time you're seven today you go and hopefully self cleaning I'll ask this people we better go we've had lots of Leno we'll stay okay oh we could disco dance know what we're going to do is I'm going to put you in an uber a little disco dancer that toyota yaris [Laughter] I'll ask you a Human Centipede question which has not come out very much in this series so far would you may be aware of as a fan of the show but is if you had to be in the human centipede but they gave you the choice if I got the oh yes that keyword I couldn't the human caterpillar the other day because as a father you gather get confused weathers I've been reading The Very Hungry Caterpillar and then I called it the human caterpillar and that's a different that's a different story the herring said to me you're in the middle you get to choose the mad scientist allows you to choose whose affront and who's behind so you uh-oh what answer the middle isn't obviously your that you're in the middle you somewhere is you choose who's in front of you and who's behind you whose anus is stitch to your mouth and whose mouth is stitched your anus is the essential question but you know it's more charmingly put than that usually well based on this evening Esme is going at the back isn't she and then because I love you so much yeah you don't want me at the front honestly actually not today well you had I had cauliflower soup for lunch I reckoned I'd get some sustenance from that so ya know I'd have you again as May young Thank You judge on the great but you're sowing being which starts on bbc2 in a family-friendly [ __ ] slop unfortunately it's been canceled Jason I love that we've done press today for that show and it's been with like love sewing magazine all that we've all been like now we've got pissed and come here and be like I'm gonna shove as me up my [ __ ] well if the sewing magazine asked that question well look I don't know if you're still on tour by the time this goes out no no the DVD and also it's on downloads yes you released the DVD because we pitched it to Netflix and they said I didn't have enough of an international reach because most of my show is about Paul chuckle we're not sure Paul chuckle is and I tried to explain that he's one of a pair of famous delivery man that didn't help him say yes I've released it on a digital disc and it'll also be on iTunes of sky and Porsche came to the show the other day he did he's a really integral part of it and it's a real kind of love letter to him cuz I love Paul chuckle and his wife Sue is a really lovely lady as well they're just really lovely couple and been really supportive and he's also piss funny because he's a comedian he's really funny so um yeah a lot of the shows about him some of it's about slacking off Tom Daly some of them about how much trouble I'm in with a Royal Bank of Scotland okay and that one is the I'm about to lose control and I think Joel I see is that the name of this scenario they're very very good titles for the shows I don't care what happens in the shows as long as you can keep coming up with titles yes with Joel ice in wave not give any so that I wait for the DVD I said I watch them a home in Hartford sure when I'm not clearing up snow you're allowed so let's in gentlemen please join Isis [Applause] [Music] hello that's another hello it's another realist appear in the bag my fan friends do you remember to go to b-52 comm slash rehearse tapper and claim your free beers this is a lovely Pale Ale called mrs. mcklusky on it's called club mexicana and you can buy my DVD a friggin 15-4 dis set and you can get that on the download and of course you can buy my emergency questions book which I haven't got with me at the moment thanks for watching and listening at or both and I will see you next week on rich telling the scripted podcast [Music] as like them sky potato you

Channel: Richard Herring

Views: 112,676

Rating: 4.857595 out of 5

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Id: v2Td4hjslvY

Length: 65min 37sec (3937 seconds)

Published: Wed Jan 02 2019