Joan Rivers - (Still A)Live from the London Palladium (Allegedly!) - Full Special (2005)

[Music] ladies and gentlemen sunday night at the palladium please welcome the greatest comedian on the planet living or dead [Music] opposed [Music] [Applause] [Music] uh first of all you pay attention it's so not american if you go first of all to go all right first i'm so english first of all these sons of [ __ ] i am paying for this [ __ ] orchestra and i want you to know that i do not sing do i sing no am i diana ross did i walk out there and slap anybody in the face absolutely not my contract is i had to pay for the goddamn orchestra i where is margaret's thatcher well we know but the point is talking to charlton heston we'll get there later but the point is everything that can go wrong has gone wrong they made me pay for a 12 piece orchestra made me pay let's count them together shall we one two three four five six and a [ __ ] mirror there is a mirror how stupid do i look hello poor people you'll never see miller cover again and uh do you think what's his name the rich guy philip green you never heard of him he gave his wife a billion dollars and you never hurt you're a straight person aren't you then why are you in front wait let's just this all right first of all where are they gay oh shut up straight person well how many of you gonna get married and wear jordan's dress it is saw that little pink number i said december 1st they'll be lined up looking like little fairies all over like i said right out of wizard of oz i am so proud that you are getting allowed to get married in england why should only straight suffer divorce i am proud and i am thrilled and that's the last time i'm looking up you know it's stupid so this guy gave his wife one billion dollars you never heard about this oh my she must have a trick pelvis she must do things that even paris hilton doesn't know and that's a lucky little [ __ ] let's talk about paris oh oh look how they defend her well i think she's very attractive or a good actress what is your [ __ ] problem clara's her poor parents i know the mother and the father the shame the shame of the hilton family to have your daughter do a porno film in a marriott hotel it is and i'm glad to be are you happy get ready i may surprise you by the way before we get it up before we even go any further uh a lot of my friends are here in the audience i just want to introduce them uh madonna maybe are you here sweetie puss look for a woman in a kilt she's now very you know english the mcslutz it is ah i went to visit her in scotland full full full full what this is a woman i wouldn't have trusted with a plant six months ago i mean she said oh [ __ ] i hate when old fort allegedly allegedly i'm so scared to say anything this whole act should be called allegedly this by the way is my dog if anybody cares that yes yes anybody here upset anybody here from animal rights because this is [ __ ] fur okay everybody and he's dead because of you i hope you're happy about that because you don't let animals into england okay and this is my dog spike 17 years with me through my husband's suicide through everything and i couldn't leave him he was old so i killed him and now better than ever watch play dead [Applause] stay oh god actually i i did not kill him for those of you that get anybody a vegan here by the way i'm a vegan miss rivers and i can't eat anything with eyes what about your husband it is just he was a yorkie he was anorexic he was the kate moss of yorkies that was a surprise she's on drugs no [ __ ] kate moss i took her once to the beauty shop it was a white line she owed on dandruff she was just i hate those thin [ __ ] does the tampon make me look fat i just hate that and yeah and yeah this is my dog spike okay any peanut people here too late too late too late that's because i love that you're wearing for your [ __ ] right i'm wearing fur and let me tell you this fur is going in death places you'll never get to in life okay so just remember that who is this barbra streisand and it's just is she here oh no she wouldn't be here she had to pay to get in and [Applause] allegedly you want to see queen elizabeth wink asking for a five pound note and she's cheat and it's dna chief you know i mean her father walked home from world war ii so anyhow it is i thought that was a good joke it doesn't matter it they laughed at it in croydon they have very little to laugh at coins oh whoa it's so [ __ ] wonderful go there i love what people defend you know mystery like that [ __ ] on television i just worked a radio um uh dark as ass ass dark darkest yeah oh like like i'm a racist yeah right let me tell you i don't give a [ __ ] if you are white or black or yellow or green as long as you can do my hair it is yes that's what counts let's get it right right now so tired of this but anyhow this is my dog spike and he did not he was not murdered he committed suicide we're going to be serious here now palladium people we're going to be serious this dog committed suicide i have filipinos for neighbors and allegedly they eat dog look look for a filipino in the audience look around for a very short person with a bucket of paws it is just so anyhow anyhow so i have filipinos for neighbors and he put an apple in his mouth and he rolled in gravy and he went and he scratched on their door and i never saw him again and she stands there this [ __ ] i hate liars we'll get to this and say i hate liars and she says to me we don't need dog well she's very short we don't need dog we don't need dog there's a leash hanging out at her mouth they i went to their house for thanksgiving and the turkey had a frisbee in its mouth you know what it's like you're eating your turkey and it looks up and it licks you on the cheek it's oh i could barely have seconds it was so this is my dog spike and there's a lot of death surrounding me i don't want to go into it i i love england i really love i love england my husband was english and i and i have such respect for you especially where you're handling now we're being serious the way you handled seven seven because i was here for that what you i oh some difference from our set up from on 9 11. we're still looking you know uh you guys you went you found who blew up the subways that killed the people a couple extras but the point is well [Applause] if someone said stop i'm gonna shoot i would stop but that's just but seven seven seven i had such respect we're still looking we know the guy's name it's been four years we osama bin laden we know what he looks like it's a tall man in a sheet how hard is that six four and a [ __ ] sheet just stand in front of linen sails just stand that and he's in iraq on a dialysis machine they have one outlet have you ever been to iraq there's one outlet follow the plug go with the corn we gotcha how'd you find me i hate because i hate stupid people do you know that's why like liza when like no one knew he was gay what a surprise well you were shocked as i was who would have thought liza minnelli's husband was gay the man wore allegedly the man the man wore pumps tweezed his eyebrows collected shirley temple dolls that screams flight attendant to me that's like [Applause] that and again like charlton heston that we talked about when he came out and said i've got alzheimer's with were you surprised [Music] man was wearing his [ __ ] wig sideways for 19 years remember when he played moses he forgot six commandments that tells you something go back your [ __ ] you've only got four come in can you imagine what his toes look like up and down that mountain oh cause men should be groomed don't you think men cause they're always about women women's bodies women's buddies drugs women's bodies look so do which is true which is true women's bodies they drop okay okay they drop my breasts that right now they look good though this is a push-up shove over brasil 7.95 you push everything up up up up up my belly button is right here so confused because without a busier this is how i walk to the bathroom at night it is just [Applause] without a brazilian i use my left breast as a stopper in the tub yes i can nurse china from my bedroom and because women's bodies drop so do men's which we'll get to but women's bodies my vaginas yes can we talk here vaginas drop who's over 50. i'd like to show you a vagina that is just on its way down look how suddenly you get so english well i don't want to show you my my vagina i woke up three weeks ago i had no idea i had no idea my mother never said to me one day joan your vagina would just drop never told me that i woke up three weeks ago i looked down i said why am i wearing a bunny slipper it is and why is it grey it is just [Applause] it's awful and you know it suctions when you've had a couple of kids and ah which is a good thing if you're in a building with a fire get next to an old lady and she can just suction you down the side of the building let's go granny that and if you take your old bitty grandmother out shopping at the mall you'll never lose it just suction her in one place stay there i hate old people oh i oh yeah anyone old here right now get up take your [ __ ] walkers and crawl out of here i yes oh god why you like old people every one of us should be shot at 75 you'll get all these great flats it is enough and when they're proud to be old if you're gonna be old go sit quietly munch on your your gums and shut the [ __ ] up i'm 87 years old and you smell you smell that and old people that buy in bulk how stupid is that you're buying in bulk you're 96 years old and you're buying 18 jars of mayonnaise you're gonna be dead before you hit the checkout couch are you aware of that unless god likes sandwiches you are a [ __ ] [ __ ] i hate old people oh but you're all miss rivers well i don't see me i don't care oh i hate ob i hate hate hate old performers oh boom [Music] oh cher on that get well that goodbye tour she's been out since 1947. hannibal waved goodbye to her it's my final tour [Music] the the rolling stones it's like antique roadshow and as just tony bennett i left my heart and lung machine in san francisco i mean what's her name peggy lee remember poor old peggy lee i got fema she couldn't she couldn't snap her fingers that poor old [ __ ] she was too old just have three gay guys come on stage and snap him for her come on was on a what do you call a thing where you breathe what is that called rest ventilator thank you very much that a hard word thank you what's your name yeah no i'm looking at you but i really mean over there [Applause] last night in croydon we had a blind woman and i was talking to her i had no idea she had a dog next to me i thought she'd forgotten to shave her outside leg i'm talking to you [ __ ] and she wrote me a letter i'm gonna get you a sweater can't wait what an unusual choice of colors it is i don't like people i i yes yes i don't like old people i don't like confirmed people i don't i hate people that are in cults i just close i have an agent he doesn't give a [ __ ] he gets 10 percent he'll book he booked me with a group of jesus freaks perfect huh perfect minneapolis minnesota me and a lot of jesus freaks jesus loves me if you loved yourself [ __ ] much he'd give you a chin take a look in the mirror i want you to look in the mirror and tell me i think jesus hates your guts look at that [Applause] if sharon stone said jesus loves me i'd go give me some literature because you gotta look good it's all about looks am i right blondie is this a hard question for you uh she's probably scottish where are you from from liverpool and now where i know in england i figured that out let's say where in england say you you're at heathrow which way would you go to go home would you walk would you fly where where in england sort of it is that good i go right to the gay man that's all it's okay but not fabulous yeah okay so we'll be nice to her yeah you're married so that's good right you're not married ah so who is this next to you yep oh here we go here we go my partner are you sleeping together do you have a ring you have no ring then you'd never sleep with him again listen to me you dumb [ __ ] listen to me i can't take this women that sleep with men unless you are unless you are married you are a [ __ ] you are a [ __ ] you are a [ __ ] you are disgusting now if he gives you a ring you're in love it is a whole different thing you get a ring you're very pretty got nice breasts not like jordan but jordan she did my rate my television show with me and she's the only one you could ever slam on the door on her face you know like just pass that kid must be having some fun nursing it is so what do you do you're very good you're cooker get a ring i don't hear i have partners i hate that and the same with gay men you can get married get married and it's all about getting things it is not about love only i'm not in love i'm not going to get married what has love got to do with marriage i spit on that love has to do with getting a billion dollars from a big fat jew like that woman did so jealous i'm jewish you didn't come around to me green hello june whenever you got a baby boy oh it kills me it kills it it's all about looking good and feeling good and making the men think you're hot doesn't and how do you do this jacqueline o'nasa's smartest white woman can i say that darkest the smartest white woman in the face of the world she the men loved us she always and not that good looking remember her funny on like lizard eyes they worked independently always looking for a rich guy she's the only woman i know who could put her earrings on without looking in the mirror she was like just and she spoke softly that's why men don't like me what the [ __ ] is going on so jackie tongue was always out they love that so one time i wanted to leave i leaned in what is she saying to me because all the men would gather around she was going i've got to make a [ __ ] too late and the men loved her the me she married that little pig onassis the first husband screwed around john kennedy how many people in this room slept with john kennedy i'm just curious i want to show her hands here now what about the women and it's just oh they they turn the lights on like it's going to be real i love let's see now she's taking a survey let's get those lights [ __ ] up are you crazy jackie o'neil and then she married that little pig and did so well for herself because nobody in this room would have slept what's your name blondie you wouldn't have slept with onassis because you got a cute boyfriend he was short disgusting piggy buggies coming out of the nose like rain water he used to walk around the knuckles hit the ground that's how they got the pooper scooper law i mean the whole thing but when he dropped dead she got a hundred million dollars a hundred million dollars london i'd hit the sheets so goddamn fast for that oh please i'd even move i would yes i like to take turns during sex okay you're ready go all right i got to get up now it's very easy getting down at this age where getting up is just a [ __ ] could you help me i know you're all busy i don't don't bother [ __ ] okay here i'm just talk among yourselves and don't help me in the front row this is why i never made out with clinton it is [Applause] he would have been saying hurry up hillary's coming i'm trying i'm trying i would have been under the desk with buddy the dog oh god oh clinton i hated the i hate them all everyone now hates bush i hate bush i hate the clintons i hated the ones that didn't get it i hated i hated that ugly clinton daughter who's here now stunning what's her name celery i couldn't that's what's good she makes madonna's kids look pretty um remember when they fix her hair they straighten the hair i kept screaming what about the middle worry about the middle and then they got donatello versace to fix her up good choice and donatello versace is like something you hang on a door in africa i it's like she's got that skin you know it's like all that rough the work of that that sunburned skin you want to open them out throw your car keys in close a mouth up who you wearing i'm wearing manola blanik sandra rose and i'm carrying donatella versace oh god we've had such ugly people in the white house no wonder you hate us you've got those cutie pies uh harry and uh william yeah i can't wait to they're on stamps oh i can lick them and as just we've had uglies the carries that didn't get in two horses how many kids he got future president kerry how many girls he got that and his wife owned ketchup she couldn't even [ __ ] wave she would go like this to the crowd and the bush girls little drunks daddy's in the white house their designated driver is teddy kennedy it is just [Applause] i hated the bushes i hated barbara bush the old lady who thought she was hot was it me when oh that um george the pearls are off no wonder he threw up in japan i mean they'd just cause it's all about looks that's why every person in this room work on yourselves work on yourselves work on yourselves i spit on education no man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card it is stupid stupid that one we'll have a good housewife not one of you was made left because you did the linoleum the floor's immaculate lie down you hot [ __ ] it doesn't happen you're married for money well i won't have an orgasm you want an orgasm you want a hug as um you marry an old disgusting man have him take you to a fur shop and you say shall i get the sable or the mink and he'll say take both you'll have an orgasm like you never is that what it's all about and you know who knows their second wives second wives first wives know nothing i laugh at first wives ha ha ha because you're stupid thank you first of all i say thank you very british thank you for the shitty ring thank you for the cloth coat i'm so glad your mother's going to live with us it's all about second wise what the [ __ ] is this you give this piece a [ __ ] to your mother let her wear it swimming face down that's why every woman in this room tonight think like a second wife you grab and you take you grab and you take and when you die whatever you got out of him you have buried on you if the next [ __ ] wants it make her dig for it and yes yes make her jig and third wives are always chinese i don't know why it's just a man hits 85. oh she the balls are on the ground she loves me she's 19. i really love you all wrong you give me cleticon i love you more you don't i walk on your back and i break it because it's all about getting things getting i've learned this lesson well i've had i've had tragedy yes i've had tragedy in my life yes yes yes even this trip even this trip i had to cremate my mother along the way over i yes that amuses you cold cold my mother-in-law because my husband was english and my mother-in-law lived in london and i flew in a day early and i went from new york to london and i cremated my mother-in-law and then we went to croydon and so it was like two deaths and it was just when you laugh alone and 2500 people go huh eddie my mother-in-law i cremated her and i was on my way to york yesterday i thought i should have waited so she was dead it was stupid but you know she always wanted to be cremated and i had the time and i'm into time management and you'd think her last words would have been thank you joan how kind of you her last words were it's hot it's a [ __ ] like i had nothing better to do than stand like this for two hours against an oven door she was always a whiner i never liked her i never always it's always about her you're standing on my windpipe i don't want the toaster in the tub with me oh god now she's dead and she wants me to bury her and throw her in the atlantic sprinkler i guess is the nicer term she so i are we near the atlantic here well i flushed her down the toilet i figured sooner or later what about you gay guy cremated what are you gonna be buried cremated buried take your time cremated yeah me but what if they lose the ashes yes yes i watch six feet under do you get that here what if they lose the ashes what if i end up being sniffed by whitney houston what yes i can end up in bobby brown's ass i can yes that would be something so my my daughter had go visit me on mother's day may i hang a wreath on your butt i mean my daughter melissa loves me loves me loves me a lot of you have trouble with your daughters not me we speak to each other every single day and every single day she says the same thing how'd you get this number it is worried that i'm lonely trying to fix me up with o.j such a dear and she's very serious you know only time i ever saw her laugh is when i was choking on a piece of me oh mother do that again oh god i love my my daughter i love my daughter i love my grandson oh god that's the one thing i don't make jokes about my grandson i love him little kappa cooper i love him loves me so much calls me not a new face it is just never see me without a bandage never never because i go to california and i'm into time management i told you that so i go there i get a little something done i visit the kid so last night they melissa called me they were watching the return of the mummy he got so excited he ran to the set grandma grandma it was because it's no it's nice to be a grandma i tell you that i was there at the birth [Laughter] they take you into the delivery room now in the united states and they give you that's like an honor they give you the scissors and you're allowed to cut the cord first of all i get in the delivery room and there is an operating table and nobody is on it i go right for it okay let's get something going here right now and then they give you the court and they say cut the court it's an honor so i go like this and the blinds come down it is and the [ __ ] nurse he looks just like you he's got your nose you're a [ __ ] liar i didn't have this nose i was 28 years old don't you tell me that see my way was better when i had melissa i had a jewish delivery they knocked out the first pain they wake you up on the hairdresser shows you know absolutely nothing miss rivers you've had a baby oh fabulous what i have little girl fabulous white yes good good [Applause] the marriage continues oh oh i was thrilled to get married i was the last girl in larchmont new york to get married my mother had to sign up last girl before freeway it was just ugliest child ever born in larchmont new york which is a little city tiny little city we have a mirror at one end just a little tiny city last girl to get married it was just awful toward the end it was desperate time i well i was very ugly when i was born the doctor looked at me look to the after birth when twins it was just and all i ever heard is why can't you be like your cousin sheila why can't you be like your cousin sheila sheila had died at birth they just hated me then i got older nobody wanted to take me to my prom and my cousin had to take me to my prom and she didn't want to take me it was just and then i got married and i was happy i wasn't happy happy is in the beginning am i right you married a couple years i was married 21 years you're happy in the beginning you play games you play you play cash free cash streak catch you catch you get your catcher i was married 21 years you play cash recapture but you walk it's a different attitude catch me catch can i catch you tomorrow sure catch him i'll know in advance i'll take a bear the change also i didn't know i didn't know about faking orgasm which is change society don't you think look at this group no one here fakes orgasm is that what you're telling me is that what you're telling me for gay men you know how [ __ ] easy it is you have to spit in the guy's back i it is and for women not one person here has ever gone except me is that what you're telling me not one person here has ever gone it is common courtesy he's doing most the work you've got to encourage him [Music] [Music] you're the best you're the best yeah the earth moved for me too whatever because that's how you get the men because it's hot and you got to get them while you're young cause we all get old none of you want to hear that we all get old at 40 you start to lose your eyesight i don't care who you are you open up your birthday cards you go i can't see that at 50 you start to forget let's go see the movie with oh you know oh um you know the blonde the blonde the one at 60 you start to fart and you don't lose your sense of smell to your 70. so those 10 years are lonely years let me tell you oh god i fought so god damn much my daughter will not get in a car with me unless she puts a canary in first and yes if i did not put weights on my dress i would look like marilyn monroe in the seven year rich and don't you hate forrest can we talk farts here don't you hate farts noisy farts noisy surprise farts when you don't you're in the middle of a conversation here who did that see i don't mind a noisy fart if you feel it coming because no then you can cover it did i ever show you how i tap dance tap dance or when you sit on when you sit on a on a leather chair and the chair goes removes joan it's not me it's the chair look and then you do it for the next hour and a half and nothing happens oh i love silent farts silent farts is that god saying have a good time if you could keep a street straight face you can eat any goddamn thing you want then you just walk fast you make a little breeze behind you just pretend you're talking to a short person hello elaine page it is just the only time i don't like a silent fire is if you're wearing pantyhose because then the ankles will blow up but otherwise oh i hate pantyhose anyhow what do you call them tights what do you call stockings yeah i see you you talk differently than i do it's a english people are just so much more reserved americans you're very you know i mean like you say to america and your mother died and she hated the old [ __ ] you say to an english woman your mother died who got her shoes i mean it's just that and they talk four four four four i don't know what the [ __ ] you're talking about they introduce you to princess michael kent joan this is princess michael how do you do four four four four four four four four four four four four four four i said she's putting me on fall far far so i went to her well far far far she invited me for the weekend she was just so elegant but sat like this legs apart ankles crossed and no one had the guts princess michael to say your highness you think the husband would say sweetheart hit the cymbals you would think because that's what husbands are there for that's what men are there because men think they're so superior but you know what you get old just like the women the balls as i said hit the ground a man hits 50 he's like quasimodo he's just walking around oh and men's balls drop like that they hit 50 they can play golf and yes you take a man over 50 you sit him on the toilet it looks like he's making a cup of tea it is and it doesn't matter i'm dating now can you imagine at this age that's why you get married you stupid [ __ ] don't end up like me i'm going out with these old guys one guy gave me a hickey like this teeth in my neck it is just another man we were having a perfectly lovely dinner he looked up at me and went you're not my wife another guy died died during dinner i had to go in his pocket to get the american express card [Applause] then you wonder what would he tip i mean it's struck another guy said i want you to meet my family took me to the cemetery and it's like and young men are even worse i will like demi moore i won't go out with a young man oh god oh they think that's so terrific hey if you're alive at 6 00 p.m how about dinner that or i've got something here i know you want her that's where you keep a plastic surgeon it is just which brings us to plastic surgery let me tell you something every woman and man in this room you want to look good you do something you go through life once it's all about looking good and what would you rather have an old face coming out of a new car or a new face coming out of an old car put your money where you think about it everybody's done something that's why i came out all these actresses i've done nothing i've done nothing sophia lorne allegedly i was at dinner with sophia lawrence he's sitting there i have done nothing the woman shits through her ears i it's like [Applause] this is due to spaghetti spaghetti dr spaghetti i mean we went to the ladies room she said i got to make a boomi here hold my earrings i guess they all get their faces done and they all have it pulled and sniffed and pulled and sniffed and they take all the extra skin they make another little woman walks right beside they're never lonely that and they have botox there's a doctor in new york yeah well cher's another is share here is she in front of the toilet too much botox don't you think share your mother died you [ __ ] aren't you sad yeah i'm crying i'm crying wipe my part it is no too much botox is tough but there's a doctor in new york named doctor pat wexler and she does everybody's botox everybody's botox and you go to her she had a 50th birthday party and they invited me and bette was standing there and everybody is walking it and i can't say who's walking in but let me just tell you a lot of everybody's if you don't you name them and through they come through they come through they come through they go and as each one goes past betting me they say i am not a patient i am a friend of the doctors and we're going this is some group here look now they bring out the birthday cake and the doctor says everybody help me blow out the candles they couldn't everybody sing happy birthday because all that counts is looks that's why you must work on yourselves and i take all at men too i watch men look so i live in new york on fifth avenue where all the parades come and you can see the men that look good and work out you can see the men that don't because every goddamn parade oh you have nothing like that here do you one street every parade in new york every weekend there's another place and they're all true to type the irish drunk they don't give a [ __ ] they're walking they're drinking we're having a good time the italians pinch everything alive italian men god bless them god they go for women they just love women tony i got a girl for you she's ugly she's disgusting she stinks she has bad breath she's got boogies coming out of her nose stop stop you're turning me on they just they love women and the germans oh i don't know how they lost world war ii they march they're tall they're thin they're blonde they're in leather they don't look right they don't look left they march up the avenue oh my god leather and blonde hair i am jewish you give me a guy leather and blonde hair i forgive them i uh oh and frank would have said i'm in the attic are they uh yes [Applause] there was a whiner anne frank oh i want to dance i want to dance i can't keep still i got a cramp oh please and if you dance if you dance you dumb [ __ ] they'll find us i can't i must stand so if she had fixed her nose she really would have been good-looking it is just am i wrong people that look good if anne frank which would you rather buy my story anne frank or my story and frank come on it's all about it's all about looking good that's why i'm glad we fixed up all our president's daughters we are starting to get better looking now in the white house because you got the ugliest we ever had ugliest oh what's your name who got married with glasses i have never gotten over this um nobody knows what i'm talking about amy amy carter amy carter is an american in the audience thank god amy carter the ugliest daughter of a president we ever had decided to make a statement i'm a woman and i'm getting married and i'm gonna wear my glasses you are a bride look beautiful you stupid [ __ ] you are a bride take off the [ __ ] glasses where the hell are you walking it is a straight god damn line you dumb [ __ ] hold on to your father when you hit the altar stop even helen keller took her glasses off it's like there was a liner did any of you know helen keller i had her for a house guest i can't find the car keys i can't climb the car all weekend long where are the car keys where are the car keys and you can't even tell her to shut up she can't hear you if you want to tell helen keller to shop you got to hit shut up helen or i'll rearrange the furniture in your room when you're asleep oh god my daughter eliza was so i love my daughter i wish she was rich though that's why i was talking about what's the name of the store she turned down playboy magazine can you imagine that my my daughter turned down playboy magazine 400 hundred 000 dollar pounds they wanted to be naked to the waist turned it down turned it down i shouldn't want to do it and calls me up calls me up as a mother any of you that are mothers you gotta say whatever you want sweetheart i'm on your side whatever you want i'm behind your 100 mom i'm gonna turn it down what do you think i'm behind you 100 what do i think what do i [ __ ] think you stupid [ __ ] what do i think take off your pants get another hundred thousand that's what i think you're dumb [ __ ] i'm 72 [ __ ] years old i'm playing at drunks and gays what do i think what do i pick i'm standing on the red carpet going who you wearing have you got a lucky charm who the [ __ ] are you what do i think she's divorced four years i'm still paying for the goddamn wedding that's what i think and it's my fault she could have been monica lewinsky monica lewinsky went down on the president of the united states ended up with 18 million dollars look her up on google 18 million dollars she has a hat factory i thought it would be like a vacuum queen of action but she had a hat factory so she went down on the president united states my daughter melissa does she have 18 million dollars no and you know why my fault my fault my full palladium is my fault because i taught her be good believe in god don't sleep with people you don't want to sleep with have respect for your self and respect for your body stupid stupid stupid when she was 16 i should have said melissa come in here get your knees bring a banana mama wants to talk to you that's what i should have said because i learned the hard way i knew nothing my mother sent me into the marriage i never seen a naked man before i hung my blouse on him i knew nothing and he wasn't to make love with the light song i said shut that car door i was shocked if you don't the bus driver will it is [Laughter] i wanted to blow my ear i said get a kleenex it was just because it's hard to be a woman i'm not a complainer but it's hard to be a woman it's oh god you know the hardest part is going to the gynecologist men don't have a clue in hell for every woman in this room is that the worst the gynecologist the white dress of the slit the table the paper and you put one foot into one stirrup and the other foot to the other stirrup and the first words you hear slide down slide down slide down i can't i'm stuck to the paper if it's so important let them slide up slide up slide up that and when he's examining you he does jokes dr schwartz at your cervix i don't need that in the gynecologist say ah there are my car keys and there is no way to get back to that son of a [ __ ] unless you learned to throw your voice high doc he dropped dead would that be great that oh while he's examining you get him in a headlight grip gotcha now you son of a [ __ ] got you now you want to take a look take a gun see can we talk here that's what makes me proud proud to be a woman that we could go to the gynecologist knowing we're going to be insulted and still we go am i right we have spent the whole morning i don't care who you are american or english we have spent the whole morning before the gynecologist shaving our legs am i correct and not to the knee the big shave all the way up a good douche vinegar and perrier and that that son of a [ __ ] doctor has the nerve to put on a rubber glove who is he like to see his kitchen boy i'll tell you that oh that and going to the bathroom is a woman men can stand up you know how lucky you are tonight at least every woman once will have to go to a public bathroom and at least once we'll have to pay for a seat because our mothers told us don't sit down am i lying every woman in this room when you go into a public bathroom don't sit down paper paper paper i have spent one third of my adult life in some stupid bathroom going paper paper paper paper paper then you turn around fast all the paper paper paper blows and you get a piece on your heel you're looking like an [ __ ] you're walking or sometimes you're squat it's so disgusting i gotta squat i'm gonna squat this is so horrible so here i go dress up slip up tights down panties down okay here i go of a person in the mouth so it won't get stolen head against the door so no one could come in and suddenly your foot touches the foot of the woman in the next booth and it's turned that way oh god see men don't know oh they're just so lucky and they still standing up they still they still wet the toilet seat how could that be how can a man with a pointer in a fully lit room miss do you know what i'm talking about women if you had a penis i'd understand because we were looking around oh i'd redecorate this room oh i put curtains there yeah yeah but a man that looks like the pope bless the toilet seat and that's how you can tell the kind of a lover a man is going to be because of a man in a fully lit room cannot hit a hole this big around that joke was told to me but is that my joke is that a funny joke that was telling me uh my one mommy and my very good friend julian was she she was going to come tonight all right yeah i have very good friends everyone gets so well yes i have a very very good julianne is very good and she because the throat she doesn't go out too much she calls me every single day every day has the cell phone you know how about you hi julie how'd you know it was me tell me the truth blank my husband says i shouldn't sing anymore what do you think it's up to you sweetheart okay listen to this champion [Applause] she's my very close friend the other one michael jackson proud to say it yes yes and i'm sick of this attitude because i say take children let them face reality and i love children all my jewelry children is jewelry all done by children and yes yes you think you're gonna get these earrings on qvc for 29 pounds with adults making them are you [ __ ] crazy little fingers could set little stones absolutely what would you rather be little imelda a prostitute at eight years old in brazil or come work for aunt joni in a nice air-conditioned basement your choice honey and christmas look you can touch the dog that's it back to work a little [ __ ] and i also hire old people a lot of you don't do you you're sitting here so smug how many of you hire old people you take grandma cause she's shaking a little bit and you throw her away not this chicken not this chicken just because she's shaking i put a piece of silver in this hand i put a rag in this hand and i let the old bitty go i put on world war one songs over there i love old people they're wonderful to work with first of all you never have to pick employee of the month because they won't be there and it's just and they forget have i had lunch yes once what a nice glorious one i should give you i should give you something i talked to you sweepers i took you my gay friend what do you want yeah would you like would you like that would you like some plants would you like a plant yeah and this is clay i saw on stage that's it's avian flu shoe polly got the cracker for me and we're all gonna [ __ ] die who cares better than chicken flu oh god i'm so jealous once told me chickens are lucky because they can lose weight it doesn't show in their faces it is it would you like here would you like would you like a plant could you help me please i know you're busy waiting for the big [ __ ] finale don't bother here take this home i talked to you and the straight man straight man will give him a plant that'll make your neighbors suspicious here where's the straight man who didn't know yeah here you want my drawing that's for you and where is my friend over here my pleasure and my my my girlfriend who's going to get a big ring i hope would you like a would you like oh oh oh a fern a fern here you go my jolly there yeah i just did a a commercial so i get these cheaply i just did i did a commercial for a florist you're going to see i did a commercial for uh which i love um for preparation ages coming on here in january i stand i go hi i'm joan rivers i used to have hemorrhoids the size of golf balls i had to put sunblock on them but now thanks to preparation h i'm clean as a whistle come look and then close up and look i can sit without any pain the only trouble is i get my my preparation h mixed up when i was in my crest and it's like can i get some water no don't don't bother i could get it myself mozart was dead at your age thank you very much i'll put this in the piano that's i i mix up my preparation age i mix up my preparation age with my crest today so yeah god so my mouth is all sticky and puny and disgusting and my ass is minty fresh and it's just but i lost that on so many commercials i lost out to catherine hepburn a mean old lady shake and bake she oh yes two years ago it was me and gwyneth paltrow's mother um flight dana and stalker channing and judy dench were all up for shake and bake and in works catherine hepper and you're uh judy dench said she's a natural she's a natural and she she i i hated her because she never told the shed parkinson's here we go back to truth again if she had said i have parkinson's like my friend michael j fox you go out you do benefits catherine hebert made us think it was our fault she never came out and said chad parker says i threw out two perfectly good tv sets i thought they were shaking god damn sony you want to see katherine hepburn during an earthquake and then i lost which broke my heart i lost uh the adult commerce adult diaper commercial to a woman named june allison who has been a great star in the united states in the 40s and the 50s and then she's doing depends commercials and these terrible adult diapers and it broke that broke my heart because you get older that's why it really hurts you you know you don't think it's sad that a great beauty ends up doing an adult adult diaper commercials doesn't that break your heart i'm drew nelson while i'm talking to you i'm taking a dump that doesn't bother me and then i found out she got 150 000 pounds for it so i called him up i said i'll do it for half and i'll give you sound effects i yes hi i'm joe ruiz on those days after too much wine and cheese hung up on me and i did a brilliant brilliant brilliant brilliant audition i just stood there and defecated it was simple oh thank god what a nice audience you are thank god you're laughing and you know they've changed 9 11 9 11 people started laughing i know it sounds terrible because we all went through so much and you know it's all so tentative and that's a go and i was there in new york as i told i was here for seven seven and i was there in new york for nine eleven which is just oh god we had we ended up with 2400 widows 2400 winners each who finally this year finally ended up with a check for five million dollars each and uh i was thinking any of you that have a partner for over six years think about it for a second what would you rather have someone who farts and strolls in their sleep whose mother is living with you or a nice check at least there got to be three women out there that were going harry's dead and i'm gonna find those three women and i'm gonna ring their doorbells jenna bernstein it's joan rivers get one guess what we found harry you have to return the five million dollars good night a pleasure working for all of you just a pleasure [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] so you

Channel: extra quality

Views: 356,714

Keywords: joan rivers, joan rivers special, joan rivers comedy show, joan rivers comedy special

Id: zLtZuUdC3s0

Length: 62min 11sec (3731 seconds)

Published: Wed Mar 24 2021