Joan Rivers Carson Tonight Show 14/5-1981

it's down they have a clinic which is great okay my first guest will be opening at the Sands Hotel this week for two fun-filled weeks as they say mm everything fun-filled weeks um what can I say about it there nail what her name thank you would you welcome it's so simple just say here's John rib here's Joan Rivers that's it very chic very chic thank will you try very chic I like that you want the little shaver mystery wait a minute we have a little uh yes electronic footstool oh there it is come track there is they can't put your little feetsies on there be real comfortable yeah cuz I never had to work that good I seen you for a long time yeah I know it's not bad a month and a half yeah I have been all over the world I'll tell you that the world well America coming put America to me is it's the world I would David Brenner on tour back in New York once you're back in New York broke every record it was wonderful for diamond Oh so the women find him the sexiest man except for you two but they finally you don't have it no well I do have to say that cuz I want to come back I'm good wait a minute show early for snow and I hit this dump button here I thought that was my dad that's a boy stop it can we stop but I just sing Christmas carols let's the stop where's the stuff right wait no I don't how do I stop it also my chair is moving forward show girls to come out now yes they have little gadgets here and I hit the edge of the thing yeah that's it that's very interesting I'd like at my own hands did you yeah special effects no cuz I like that kind of weather one of the reasons I like New York it's cuz New York is you know cold and changes you can see all the parties you know is not the I did joke years ago sit in the fall they take down the green plastic plants and put up the brown plastic plants object Mary oh and you can tell that we were into the fall of Springs Sandra with sweat stains the Red Nosed Reindeer hyperventilating I mean that's a that's no fun you're looking fiercely I'm feeling good well I have a groupie finally look I got a groupie after all these years isn't that one cuz I David had all these thousands of girls has been very depressed and I felt not too bright mousse molinsky an expert oh what a groupie now the way he took me to Baskin Robbins yeah they had 31 flavors he ordered a garlic combs I'm a you said to me how come my sister has two brothers I only have one but he's a groupie I think some say he's trying to get me is that nice why are you always concern now you mentioned David did the girls find him sexy why are you always were concerned about looks all the time I mean what cousin has to have good looks unless she's very rich if you're rich it doesn't matter christina onassis was a dear friend of mine yes she here closer she look for a woman eating cycle three here we go now is she pretty Oh grow up America I am so bored she's not she's not a beauty that's putting it nicely she has shoes that have holes for thumbs but she's rich but she's richer doesn't matter yeah first time I met her I thought she was wearing a fur coat she was in a strapless dress she is not so pretty yeah she raised her on was the Greek national flowers just not an attractive sight no I'm painting a nice picture there don't you sing you but you're saying a beauty is not gonna get your free pass out of life you never had a little more going for you here for me again if I was another one that's rich see cuz I think God divides I think if he is gonna make you rich I really mean this he's gonna make you a bat Wow I think he divides it equal Gloria Vanderbilt there's an O looks like she's not in a spike she does look in pain enough most of the time doesn't he Hale and Milla here knock her over it'll break is Jeff and axe dose a cuz I met her in New York oh oh I mean I mean look what has she got to be such a sport bag you know I'm gonna talk I mean promise 50 years old and the name is on everybody's rearrange ha ha ha ha the only one that I have ever met and I you know cuz I keep list I had time uh that is good-looking and rich is lady die Lady Diana lady doctor is Charles uh yeah fiance yeah uh I was there that's why I didn't want to say in the beginning when you said I've been out of the country I was trying to keep it quiet my best friend the world lady died we need to clean you know oh gosh I know she's with Christina neither one good make it tonight so if you talk to the Queen lay there well I went there for the engagement party which was oh and we're planning the wedding together but they asked my advice the engagement party was probably and like you've been to gorgeous Affairs you know I have been to swanky but I have never seen anything the most elegant Pharaoh's ever act until they ran out of hot dog rolls I am nervous and lady died cute as a button you know she's not there yeah all things considered what was the whistle glad he's getting married you know we were worried there for a while he was gonna be the Prince of France Shepherd's table 34 yeah yeah and and they had to and the reason she's so young I didn't know this cuz the Queen told me I should why that's how he's not here yeah she's over there busy writing an invitation I have to be a virgin that's why I thought you know I didn't know a qualification for royalty yeah so who knows you know it's 1981 so we just hope the wedding night he'll buy the horse back riding story oh they're second just plain royalty yeah she can get away with it she's an excellent first woman I understand sure they can't wait for her to you know they keep saying how she ever gonna act has become a queen I said Sandra December's fan has a Hitler do you commercial hey tell us when we get back we'll work on this let's see we got we can write it the back with that without dealing with the cleaner so you've been talking to the Queen did you hear it you know he's falling off the horse now three times and about inside about five weeks and they were telling him you know stop this off you're gonna get married didn't do it especially you know yes that is my own thing that happened your wedding night huh huh huh yeah well those jokes too right you know but it it's very hard it's very I mean she's a young girl 19 she peed yeah how how is she gonna learn to become Queen you know so I said just send it to San Francisco let her hang out I guess really though seriously they have to she's in for a thorough training and yeah all of these uh-oh come on I would like well they keep saying poor thing wouldn't you love to be Queen I'm animating you yeah okay tree will be fat is that lifestyle great outfits come on a lot of houses and servants yeah I would love Melissa to marry something you really would like you don't know come on oh just have people not that equipment clean yes sir I hate to cook and clean I would marry anything if I had a crown and had a couple of bucks my house is so dirty people wipe their feet when they leave I hate house he wants to hunt me what married 14 years it's all over yeah what do you get all over now well in the begins to cook and clean and carry on now 14 years he wants a hot meal let him sleep with Julia Child there is no that's I serve ketchup for a vegetable there is nothing Sebastian well that's it tomato puree and that's why we live in California I'm thrilled because we have earthquakes which I got to do with it oh great come on Inka comes home why this pigsty didn't you feel the tremor thank God you kissed about a three point four and they're richer than this damn right need out cuz I don't like anything to house well now you used to when you first got married but I suppose that's required and why don't you want a Realty don't do a lot of things when you first get married yeah that he's not doing anymore with me I don't want to get too personal but that I changed please last I said I have a headache you know here and I found the aspirin and hit it I mean it I thought I may be wrong from the books I read and I don't read a lot of the sex manuals and that this is too personal forgive me they say a woman as she gets older becomes more responsive and a man's according to some Kinsey those people sexual peak is like when he's 19 yes 2:45 in the afternoon I think Freddie Freddie uh and then as a woman gets older so what can you do look for a great-looking delivery boy I mean it just like anything - hi Jose bring the cokes in here I mean it I've reached a point in life now you know I'm saying that's it you just you sublimate a lot yeah and it's a well I work a lot because that means well I'm not the only one I mean again all my friends were working more at this like Elizabeth Taylor I was my I was gonna say you I haven't talked about her but she she open no she's not here either well she's on Broadway I do I went for the I went for the album she opening the little Lillian Hellman's play the little foxes on Broadway and I you have to admit you've talked about her before and not in the greatest of terms you said she's a little chunky Oh a little junk junk Johnny she was wearing Orson Welles designer jeans if she and sadly you would have to talk to her on the couch well she was but hasn't she looked good thank God yes that's why I went for the I mean she was fat night who's gonna tell you if not your good friend when I woke up she had her ears pierced gravy came out I mean I took her to a bakery she took all the numbers this was he was run through everything she had a bumper sticker eat the whales she always wearing perfume Eau de Bologna I didn't know that I had to call her who else is gonna tell you that you know of course when you're close yeah she was gonna sue me what Sherman yeah cuz I said right on this show that her thighs were going condo and I had to say publicly that so she was renting she was gonna sue me for five million dollars or one year's grocery bills doesn't she love spec monolith that's why just let's take the other side gorgeous you look pretty I saw pictures up front Broadway she look that's why I'm proud of her because it takes a lot to die so you don't die it's in not yeah yeah I diet and again I eat things like cottage cheese it looks like an albino threw up I mean it's awful it's all but to get into today's fashions a so Jeff do you know I should go on the new revised Scarsdale Diet how about that yeah you start to eat Hannah strange lady comes in and shoot you I mean breathe cuts down on the calories real quick now what do you really had trouble heavy yeah but I am even now I'm getting Nana Baraka I pantyhose I could never get the right size why silk I thought those were read one size fits all oh please do I know what size you buy I think the crunch is always right down here you want to get it to pitch at the jump on a horse I have a friend I mean little she dropped a baby did not know for 10 days I didn't know they were that low-slung she kept saying I hear crying mother your mother oh no Daniel ten days because certain thing just don't fit woman's yeah I'm all about that I think I don't know about a lot of things like what fit like don't fit Chris my parents never really use you were sheltered ah shell filter no night night Melissa's not what twelve going to be thirteen god bless ya girls now do you tell her things that you didn't know I mean how liberal oh I tell everything I try to tell everything because my parents told me nothing yeah I know and that's you know cuz I figured I was such a dog I wouldn't need to know anything yeah Johnny they once took me to the greyhound races somebody bid on me I wasn't not in motion my mother was two months gone she had a doctor cut the cord Johnny Santa I had to order out the seven months hey hey hey I think they try to kick ro it's a program to talk I really try to murder me okay yes no please fog yes they told the police they're just trying to keep me fresh in the plastic bag as a hard story to buy you got a point there they used to say to me talk to strangers I mean it was when my goldfish died you know how they told me about it they slapped it on my dinner plate I hate it and when you're not wanted boy it reflects in everything ah how's Melissa now she's well this is wonderful cuz she's wanted and I try to bring her up and teach her things you know yeah um Beverly Hills it's very hard to bring him up course the drugs you know there's Willis everyplace now but obviously I guess in Beverly Hills Beverly Hills I'm if it's white and it's on the table they're gonna sniff it it is just oh I have a friend who OD in the beauty shop on dandruff I don't know Bambi Feinberg they just found a line there and be fine soon humans one was dead it was Terrell I have a friend who had a kid born with a silver spoon in its nose I mean it is not good not oh it's the work well California's trendy and now I think they get into the health trend see which is good well they go through fast this is a big fat estate in the world you start here before they get to New York it's crazy great I mean country-western look what's walking around country West in this town yeah I mean people that never left us sitting there and Jewish people why did you come eat talk I'm sure what did use know that country-western yeah we don't ride horses we sell you the equipment if a Jews that I ride a country-western song will be I stand by my accountant I don't know from country Dolly Parton knows him she's good friend is he another dear friend is she here no none of it maybe knows she's a healthy healthy young girl ninety eight fourteen sixteen that's the whole body boy cuz nothing grows in the shade it is the most incredible Oh mushrooms and ignore mushrooms mushrooms in hiding and a men lover boy now is Melissa the stage where she's I forgot what age girls start to really have that transformation is you just Dottie yeah and that's getting very difficult a shelf got your time oh very self-conscious doesn't know what to say you know and it's it it still I'm crazy about my daughter it's very hard yeah you know cuz what do you say to her yeah and you have to talk about certain things that we don't talk about you know you know Cathy Rigby can you believe those commercials I hope she has somebody at home very ill she needs the money for looks like a monkey here on the parallel bars I said to Edgar that's tough oh oh you're hot tonight get is there anybody you haven't killed tonight we'll make a list they're all my friends honestly yeah always can make jokes about the people you love you know that's right I Queen Elizabeth with theater I get invited to no parties anymore that's when they're selling Tupperware I don't know okay or do you think commercial will come back we're interesting gentleman from Belleville Illinois I believe way to me so stay where you

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Views: 826,395

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Id: ufINzlJrLTM

Length: 17min 1sec (1021 seconds)

Published: Sun Sep 25 2016