30 Minutes Of My Best Jokes | Sarah Millican

but I I turned 36 last year and for the first time ever and I have no idea why it's popped up now and hadn't popped up before now but for the first time ever I feel sexy I've never felt sexy before I think it's because I feel like I'm in control of things I feel quite confident uh figure wise I feel quite womanly I think I'm aware of my flaws and I've accepted them and anybody who doesn't can [ __ ] off so I had to come get my eyes tested um yeah to be quite attractive but I got these photos checked out I'll be wearing glasses for 30 years and the last time I had them checked she said um you need some new lenses and I thought I'll treat myself to some new frames I'll treat myself and I got these ones I don't know I see them at the back on upstairs I sort of a half frame and I got them primarily because they look a little bit headmistressy don't they and I thought wouldn't it be good to have glasses that you could wear in the bedroom in the bedroom you kind of see what you're talking kind of so I've been trying to think I've said headmistressy things that I could say that might help the mood you know and I've come up with two and I thought before I tried them out on my boyfriend maybe I could try them out on you a lot if that's all right so this is the first one see what you think of this I do like the idea that I can forewarn my boyfriend that I'm about to be sexy just by moving me glasses brace yourself pet so this is the first headmistress you think see what you think of this if you finish that book I'll give you a toffee penny okay there are pockets of people that like that one everybody does that's fine it's fine this is the other one too if you like this one go and get some sand Brian's being sick in the hall thank you now I seem to work good no thanks for your input I'll try that out on him tonight but I am getting much better at dirty talk I used to be rubbish at it um I've just had a bit more practice that's all it is I still mostly sick to the classics and I mean I mean I mean the things people always see I don't mean like Charles Dickens it was the best of times it was the worst of times foreign lately and I've come up with a new one and I sort of want to share it with you because you're such a nice crowd now I don't mind you using it that's why I'm telling you I could all do with an extra line in the bedroom couldn't work um fever like if you see me at an orgy just remember it's my [ __ ] Lane okay I don't know to be fair unlikely to ever see me at an orgy because I've only got a flat and I think you've got to have a house haven't you I'm not really very well equipped for having a lot of people around I've only got four mugs have to explain await and we landlord I don't know whose spunk that is in the carpet it's not mine somebody must have thrown it in so this is the line I feel quite nervous now because I have genuinely said this during sex I feel like I want to stand behind the curtain now I'm gonna say it but I need a sort of I kind of need to get myself in the moment you know just just bear with us a tick that's all it'll take oh oh oh [Applause] [Music] um [Music] that makes him look a lot taller than he actually I'm shaking his [ __ ] hand and the line is this get it in get it in I've shaved everything don't waste it foreign [Applause] it's another good one if they're trying to do four plea on you but you're gonna miss your train It's very effective very effective but I discovered something about myself recently that I did not know I discovered that I am a workaholic haven't always been a workaholic I think it's much easier to be a workaholic when you love your job which I do but before this when I had a proper job and I worked in an office Monday to Friday I was not a workaholic I was very happy at five o'clock to go bye I [ __ ] a lot of you but I read an article about Workaholics by a man called Oliver Berkman and he said people are Workaholics for one of two reasons either they're hiding away from something at home or they have nothing else going on in their lives and I realized quite sadly that I fell into the category I had my job I didn't really do or have anything else one of the remedies he suggested to fix this he said actively create meaning elsewhere and that's what I decided to do over the last 12 months and that is what my show is about the first thing I decided to do decide to buy a house I'd lived in the same rented City Center flat in Manchester for the last six years and I really wanted somewhere I wanted a house I wanted to settle down I wanted a house mostly because I'd lived in flats for 16 years and I really missed going upstairs to bed I threw the [ __ ] kitchen upstairs to bed now sitting only a few weeks ago quite smugly upstairs in bed thinking and this is the life I've arrived I'm upstairs in bed and then I thought [ __ ] now I've got to go downstairs for food but what I wanted was somewhere that makes me feel the same way my parents house makes me feel they've lived in the same house since they got married 47 years ago exactly and this is what I wanted some way that I could build memory after memory after memory now I was there sort of late summer last year with my sister the four of us just sitting around with cups to take around the kitchen table putting the world to rights it was lovely and at the exact same moment my sister and I both heard the ice cream man it's like no time had passed no words were exchanged between my sister and I she shot me a look that said do you want one and I shot back a look that said of course I [ __ ] do run out of the house house when she came back in she told me there'd be no children anywhere near the ice cream man just a 44 year old woman running towards it started to pull away she had to flag him down and I should flagged him down he shouted out of the window come on Mrs you can do it she came back in with three ice creams one for me one for her and one for me dad because my mom doesn't really like sweet things instead where's Dad gone because my dad was no longer in the room I said he's gone to the toilet now I don't know what your dads are like but my dad can lose a good 20 minutes half an hour in there so she started to sort of lick her ice cream and kind of Tidy his do you know what I mean and hers normally but then spinning this one round she was like a [ __ ] machine like an intelligent looking and hiding this one started to get quite small and I said oh that's not fair on Dad and she said well what do you want me to do about it I said I think you should take a tomb while he's on the toilet and she said well if I'm going you're coming with us upstairs together Mom and Dad's toilet is separate from their bathroom and I said to my sister before you go any further you must promised me one thing she said what's that I said you must promise me that when you open that door you keep your eyes tight shut because you will never be able to unsee what you are about to say she promised she knocked on the door my dad said come in like it was an office foreign [Applause] but my parents have always lived near a park and I'd always been able to see a tree out of my bedroom window so that became another priority I wanted to see a tree out of my bedroom window didn't give a [ __ ] it was on a [ __ ] roundabout just a tree but it became very clear early on that I'm not massively suited to Country live and haven't lived in the city center for so long I drove along a lovely Country Lane lovely Country Lane and I saw white Marquee tent and instead of thinking oh somebody's having a lovely summer party I just thought oh someone's been murdered one of the houses I looked at was owned by a couple who are getting divorced it's very sad and it was the husband who was showing me around and I'd realize what was going on straight away and it decided just to go through it very quickly because it was clearly painful for both of them now I don't know if you've ever been shown around the house or have shown somebody around your house but there's a degree of state and the obvious involved isn't there when they say things like this is the kitchen I know I mean I call it the biscuit room but whatever this is the living room yeah it's another biscuit room he took me upstairs to a closed on he said this is the master bedroom I said great he said I'd love to show you in there but I can't I said oh why not he said I can't show you in there because there's a lady crying in there which is sad but also quite an unusual way of describing his wife when potentially Haze the reason she's crying in the [ __ ] first place I said to him look I'm divorced myself I understand what you're going through I know that this is horrible for both of you and you just want to get it over and done with so you can both move on with your lives independently I understand you have my total sympathy I really do but I also know that it can cry in the bathroom so [ __ ] mover now the house I looked at was owned by a really Posh lady so I already hated her that's terrible isn't it I'm not supposed to hate anybody I only hate Posh [ __ ] it's fine I've forgotten him but I've just remembered where I am yeah you're all clap and there'll be a couple of people at the back from Jasmine going actually there are Posh people in tonight foreign was very dramatic in all of her gestures she said to me there is underfloor heating throughout so that doesn't impress my love I've got slippers and that is if to hammer at home she said there isn't a single Radiator in the whole building and I because sometimes my mouth kicks in before me brains had a chance just said well how'd you dry your knickers then and the friend that I was with said just shook him on the floor but I found the house that I liked and I got a survey done and the survey came back and it meant nothing to me at all but luckily I've got a friend who's a builder and he said let me have a look at it and I'll put it into layman's terms fight I said smashing now give us a cheer if you own your own home a chair if you rent stay up until this point I'd only ever rented and I think there are phrases that mean nothing to those of us who rent that the rest of you understand because my friend the Builder said there is one thing you will need I said oh yeah what's up you said you'll need a dump proof course and I genuinely said I haven't got time to go to college but the house that I bought had a log burner I've never had a log burner before I got quite excited about the log burner not as excited as my fella did he just went oh my God will be able to get a toast and fork things and I thought he does know I've got a toaster doesn't he but I went straight out he went to work I went straight out and bought a toast and fork and I came back and I grabbed a loaf of bread and I thought I'm just going to sit and work my way through our [ __ ] love toast I couldn't get it to work and I rang him and I said I can't get it to work he said how can it not work it's fire and bread I told him what I've been doing turns out I should have had the little door open [Applause] I might as well have been lion slices of bread on top of me radiators oh you're right that's probably too much yeast altogether isn't it but when I moved from the flat to the house I had bits and Bobs of furniture not much but I had some stuff and I was trying to work out what would best go away and I said to me Phil I gotta wish I had a tape measure he said what do you need a tape measure for I said I just want to know if that unit will fit in that Alcove and he said I like and sort that out for you I said I don't want you to move it he said no I I can work it out for you and I said have you got a tape measure he said no but I've just got like an instinct about these things and I thought ah [ __ ] Instinct let's have a look at your instinct pet and I said cool and then so this is genuinely what you did he went like this yeah that was fit I said is that it you could at least got your [ __ ] out and done six inches six inches six inches [Music] let me ask you guys a question shout out anybody in the room who's ever broken anything during sex takes a bit of settling what what did yep you broke something where were you a lamp or a lamb where are you live are you where are you they are hello love it was a lamp what kind of lamp oh ceramic base oh and did it just was it like movement and it just toppled off or pretty much did anybody get hurt or was it all right it was all right so we've got a lamp stroke lamp from the lady over there lamp is a good answer thank you very much what else we got a bed where are you love hello flower up there uh and you broke the bed was it fixable or did you have to buy a new one you got a new one okay there's lots of giggling going on there uh is it is it the partner that you're with sorry but if you I'm gonna make a magazines about your flower uh so it's this lady here the one that's looking desperately like she wishes she wasn't here so did you win new bed was it a chance to get a new bed it was at Uni and it the landlord said you had to buy a new bed to take come in and inspect it did you lose your bond that's what happens isn't it when you [ __ ] a bed to death somebody's gonna have to go was anybody hurt it was it all right it was fine so we've got a bed thank you very much couple who love sitting next to each other so much so we've got a bed and uh and we've got a lamp what else we got the dinner table who said a dinner table a bird table we use the boat on the table what did you say shout louder a dessert table all of my tables are dessert tables I'm just guessing but are you quite posh well this is for the bruschetta uh then we move over here and we've got you know sausage and mashed you know I can't even think of a poshmoon course [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Applause] do you really have a table just for desserts yes oh you worked in a restaurant so you're really not Posh no and it was it did it have I like that there's at least 60 of the room gone my sex life is rubbish so was the restaurant still open under the dessert table don't I feel like a proper tit now see if it was me I'd probably I'd want to be in like writhing and amongst it and then I just thought you know what fella I don't really need you um oh [Applause] creme brulee see I thought of a push pudding yes did you get caught no well now everybody knows because it's on a DVD isn't it it's still working non doors with her dessert table is a good answer thank you very much love uh what else we got it was a what a rear view mirror okay there's lots of questions here um hello by the way uh was the car moving okay that's that's Safety First gotta get that out the way was it knocked off with an ass by any chance you think so did you not notice till you were trying to drive away all right no it's not this not the spunking me here it's uh stays uh say behind me you've still got it in the cleft of your ass love did it share off or just unclip because they can you can slot them back in can't you apparently sure did it it was quite an old car and it's oh yeah classy aren't you having sex in an old car well done was it through the day no no no you're like what do you think I am some kind of monster I don't anybody else you know how everybody talks about dogging and everything and I I don't know anybody who does it maybe I do but every time I see two cars together I just go dogging exactly one of them sometimes is an RAC one no they're not so a rear view mirror is a very good answer thank you flower we got anybody else blood vessels we've gone all the way from lump to blood vessels um oh where were the blood vessels you thought he was dribbling on you [Applause] we need to know the rest of the ones I'm not asleep just put your fingers in your ears if you're already feeling a bit sick what did you just say me too much dribble to Telltale sign pet like a butcher's slab you look like a purchase lab he was champion thank you he was ready for the next School so yes it would be a passion killer the passion killer there's something wrong with you so you didn't actually work out where the blood came from it was oh it was his nose but it could have been a lot worse because probably the most painful one I've had so far a man said he'd broken his banned your string so you should like this one snapping them in that no if you don't know what a banjo string is uh it should just Google it when you get in shouldn't be a mom that ever tells you that you need to know what could snap on a [ __ ] [Applause] [Music] I love that noise when you say banjo string though and a lot of the people in the room know what it is not that people are going why was he playing a banjo I don't get it doesn't sound very sexy to me it's not a sexy instrument thank you very much for that flower God I hope everybody's all right now Jesus Christ uh there was a man actually I did a Sean a man shouted out that he'd broken his foot during sex and I said did he carry on or did you stop and he said carried on and I recognize his accent he was a Geordie and I thought he probably didn't even put his [ __ ] pie down I know it's a very fun question and I'm grateful to those of you who did join in thank you very much people go I'm not going to tell him from all those people but I'll send her an email when I get in [Laughter] a man who sought to my website out so he actually filled us my emails mainly because I'm not very technical but also because for a while I was getting loads of pictures of men's Cox just said to me and now he can print them off so I put them on the wall just as a border it's not too much would you like to sleep in the cook room this evening for probably my the probably the best one that I've ever had by email a lady said she'd broken a man's pelvis yeah it was a one night stand she was on top he was screaming she thought he was having a marvelous time my favorite one in in a show lady said she'd broken a man's spirit [Applause] we've all done that from time to time I brought my vibrate at once that counts right um and normally when I break things I give them to me dad to fix so just watch it doesn't say cabinet it's not really a joke about one it's just a tip for the ladies now I've got a friend who's a doctor she's a brilliant woman and we were having one of those lovely catch-up chats you know we haven't seen a friend in ages and you've got the Cutlass constantly on and you're putting the world to right it was one of those and it was lovely and we ended up talking I don't know how we got onto this subject we ended up talking about how much toilet roll we use I think I'd been bragging my boyfriend's Roundup mine we can rattle through a nine pack in a week when she said to me you're using too much what is it like a shortage which I know about your using too much and then she went dry wet dry said what dry wet dry dry use a bit of toilet roll wet one of those moist toilet tissues I don't know what that might miss clearly doing somebody else's arms aren't they foreign [Laughter] [Applause] and I said you know what I'm 36 I've been doing this a long time how about I just stick to my usual way and she said and I hope this is how she talks to her patients she said your [ __ ] will fall off but you know there are those times when you run out of toilet roll and obviously the worst time to run out of toilet was when you really [ __ ] need some toilet roll use something else because you had to quite a lot of you what kind of things have you shout out suck who said that give us a wave where you live there you are happiest bloody Larry they aren't you okay so you used a sock um did you did you do it like that put it on your hand oh look the saddest ever glow of puppet I don't want to I don't want to I'm so well done pet what else have you shout out [Applause] what was what was that a shower head oh my God did you have to like oh did you have did you have to buy your cheeks was it in your own shower oh that's all right then good I didn't oh no it was just at my friend he's always here so we've got a suck on his shower head what are there spit spare pants somebody who said spare pants somebody here that's a good answer it's another good reason to carry spare pants what was the filler over here sandpaper do we believe him no is it what was that love you are on the beach and then what and that's where I know that's where sand comes from but there are many DIY places on the beach oh you know that [ __ ] that's got all those B and q's any other things we've used your hand what was that your boss's performance review [Applause] excellent work and I use the term lady as Loosely as it's possible to use it said that she had used a sandwich no tell her anymore you told me you always are telling mine when it happened to me I was in my flat and I thought I'll sort of thinking about the other rooms visualizing the other rooms thinking what on Earth could I use never been Posh enough a kitchen roll but I've always had tissues in but I had run out of tissues at the same time and it was like in sod's law what on Earth can I use and then I remembered that I recently treated myself to some flash wipes yes it was very lemony it was also the cleanest I've ever felt and to be fair the advert does say that therefore stubborn rings so I did a show in Belfast and a fellow shadowed at an answer but I couldn't quite he sort of it was just a noise because he had such a strong accent I could just make out a noise I just heard where War that's all I heard and I said what you wiped your ass on a werewolf did you look I don't know what he actually used was wire wool I'd rather take me Chances with a [ __ ] werewolf my brand new show Bobby dazzler is out now and available exclusively on my website Sarah millican.co.uk put the kettle on and settle in

Channel: Sarah Millican

Views: 198,408

Keywords: SARAH MILLICAN, SARAH MILLICAN OUTSIDER, SARAH MILLICAN CHATTERBOX, SARAH MILLICAN CONTROL ENTHUSIAST, SARAH MILLICAN BOBBY DAZZLER, SARAH MILLICAN THOROUGHLY MODERN MILLICAN, comedy 2023, comedy video 2023, funny video 2023, 30 minutes, best jokes, best of, compilation, #standup, stand up, stand up comedy, sarah millican stand up, sarah millican bobby dazzler tour

Id: Dr93_dbWGt8

Length: 30min 15sec (1815 seconds)

Published: Tue May 23 2023