Joan Rivers Live At The Apollo Part 1

a hundred and sixty-five pounds so I got to show it you otherwise it doesn't go off my income tax hello hello hello hello and there are lots of celebrities theoretically in the audience there's one man that I was on the breakfast show of him Eamonn Holmes where are you my oh my John where is the way your husband loves you very very much and every time he's making out with other women when he climaxes he says your name that will is go go go go one room how are you fabulous man you look gorgeous oh yeah I look gorgeous well it's yours it is just we did a show together and we said let's go into business together and I said let's do lollipops because we can call the [ __ ] and I think we didn't do it but it's lovely to see you yeah who else is here who else we got Andrea Corr where are you oh there you are oh so great and your beautiful singer because I'm not a good singers I'm always I'm always very in awe of people at saying I sang once for Barbra Streisand this is a true story and her eyes crossed the other way it was just hey who else did a lot of people here took James Nesbitt where are you a lot of Irish people are the Brys close it is just creig Revel Horwood nice to see you and you and I which many people do not know we were in tap-dancing class together and Heather McCartney was in the class with us a great little tapper but just you know like one way it was she kept falling down on the hokey-cokey it was too and by the way you the audience over here if you want to text in a question to me we will answer them at the end of the show okay good now I'm thrilled to be here and this is my second time on this stage and I'm here and I have to say this before we even start the show I have to thank his had a very bad cold I flew over and I want to thank dr. Bernard Schwartz from Harley Street because he got me well this morning I came in as I can't get to the show and he said coffee enemas and Starbucks but the point is I came over to do this show and I'm also here for charity because at this age you like to give back was he close to the guard yet I I did the osteoporosis benefit this afternoon and got a stupid ovation I was very proud he would've told you here crack Eddie Angelina Jolie is a friend of mine who's very charitable and lucky she here with bid the men love that like Pelican lips I have never seen very nice about it you know she's standing one into the room I'll be the other and you'll throw sardines catch dark the darling girls anyone know her all she wants to do is do good for people and she was saying to me if I can just make one person happy Joan I'll die satisfied I said easy just give Jennifer Anderson back her husband but she keeps adapting these little ugly children every time these kids who by the way you never seen them when they grow up they're going to a basement so so so but excuse me Angie's kids but if you yep and I think it's very nice you want to go to Africa you want to adopt a kid but what about home first what about [ __ ] home first you want a thin starving black child don't go to [ __ ] Africa how about Nicole Richie right here in our town sick of that and take once the doctor them they had this theoretically Tom in case look what I'm asking again the stray car who is de here that can help me oh you again this is it you're gay are you a lesbian you look really butch Tom and Katie Holmes I also had that little Chinese baby the pretending is theirs it is just Oh grow up she is so unhappy she never talks and you ever watch them she but watch her eyes she blinks SOS SOS she's very thin is anyone ever met her like skin like toothpick legs yeah Katie get me an olive here catch it is which I shouldn't laugh at because I've always been I was my own buddy at camp I was such a kid my mother used to fight bathing suits with blow holes in them but I think I don't wanna go into my childhood here because it's wrong my parents hated me okay we're all going to hear the story aren't me when my parents handed me to my parent all I ever heard all I ever heard growing up is why can't you be like a cousin Sheila why can't you be like your cousin Sheila she'll have died of birth they just whenever we go like in front of a street they take each parent would take my hand hold our hand we're crossing the street and then they swing me into the traffic they used to say take candy from strangers and ask the funny man in the raincoat does he own a van it is I I had a very bad child and that's because and I'm sure none of you give a damn but I was the only Jewish kid this is the absolute truth growing up and in all Catholic neighborhood you know that the Irish people only Jewish kid in a Catholic neighbor Joe that's like you were all doing Hail Marys I was doing Hail Marys I mean it was just no Christmas tree no Christmas tree do you know what that's like when you're the only kid without Christmas everybody has Christmas trees and nowadays it's like what we do it for all foods it's such [ __ ] yeah we walk into it into a an office building and there's a Christmas tree and there's a rinoa [ __ ] that Christmas tree goes up my brother is like a little shitty menorah with two orange lights and some angry Puerto Ricans lit backwards yes you let those lights backward [ __ ] you you killed our Lord so I'm at the age where I figure screwed I'm going to have a Christmas tree I got the biggest Christmas tree in I got a two-story high Christmas tree I put everything you could think of on that up-up-up-up-up gorgeous gorgeous gorgeous on the bottom I got the the manger I got the whole goddamn thing going there the wise man that sheep the only thing is I had the baby but I'm Jewish I got him a nanny it was just honest and I read rest Mary she didn't look good that stupid thing over her head come on I put her in a Chanel suit Manolo Blahniks and a Louis Vuitton pocketbook you're the mother of God look it's just if she looked like that should have gotten into the in yes the point is it's about looks Mary she looked good she would have done that mother Teresa her oh don't give me all mother Teresa if she had looked better she'd be a saint by now Lucia well yes it did she need electrolysis let's talk to each other he even lepers were throwing their fingers out here because it is all about looks this is my message Great Britain this is my best looks count education looks cash I have no sex appeal and it is screwed me up for life peeping toms look at my window pull down the shade you have no idea my gynecologist examines me by telephone it is you know what it changes for a woman when you no longer have your period every woman in this room enjoy your period I only have got cramps you are just a minute you have no period men couldn't give a [ __ ] I'm telling you the I to this day I carry because no man will look at you if they think you're over I'm telling I still carry tampons in my purse look at me I opened my person a tampon drops out I can just die

Channel: ArseRaptor

Views: 2,243,552

Keywords: alex, aeolus, arse, s1a3b6u9, comedy, hammersmith, stand, maher, the, of, yt:stretch=16:9, up, comedians & company

Id: YNUkLzi46OI

Length: 9min 57sec (597 seconds)

Published: Fri Aug 28 2009