Joan Rivers Hilarious Stand Up Comedy (2006)

and now ladies and gentlemen the best act in her price range miss joan rivers [Music] shut up [Applause] i'm so pissed off let's just start with the stool this it was kathy griffin this would have been moved from down here i'm just like all afternoon can't be this can't be that uh these are very filthy toilet anyhow uh this is this is the cheapest special ever made that's what this is and nothing but insults this is the stool age age appropriate look at the orchestra and we're going to start with the orchestra i am pain bravo is so goddamn chief i am paying for an orchestra first of all let's discuss it do i sing am i am i diana ross is that where are the gays cause they'll know what to say liza's single anyhow they're making me pay for an orchestra i did not want and in the contract in the contract it is the six-piece orchestra let's count them together one two three and a mirror a mirror this does not make me that's number one number two they think of 100 years old they put out like cue cards like no joe they think it's sinatra remember those days new [Applause] all right let's just start at the beginning okay first of all before we do anything else i want i don't like certain audiences i hate old people i if oh if you are old get up and get out of here right right now right now well your old miss rivers will i don't see me if you are old screw you you have to look not me i if you all start now by the time you get out you've heard two thirds of the apps it's good oh don't you know do you like old people and when they're proud proud i'm 97 years old and you smell i hate it and all people all people that buy at costco am i wrong why are you buying at costco why you're 93 years old why are you buying 18 large jars of mayonnaise where is your problem you're not even gonna make it to the goddamn checkout counter y'all and their bodies go it's so disgusting who's old here well uh you're not a pretty group it is and that's another thing i hate ugly people who get back to oh oh oh i hate i hate ugly people if you are ugly and you know who you are i i could start right now point it out just get up and get out because trust me at the end of the evening you're going to be just as ugly at least be home i don't you hate ugly people i did i i i jesus freak convention they are the ugliest people on i have an agent well this will be good joan and jesus freaks hey have you jesus loves me i think jesus hates you i want you to look in the mirror if jesus loved you so god damn much he'd give you a chin i want you i want you to look at that mirror and tells you how to judge jesus he hates your guts if sharon stone said jesus loves me i'd say oh give me some literature but i don't like i don't like ugly people i don't like all people i guess we're gonna because we're talking about young people i mean oh heaven paul and heather mccartney i called that a year ago oh he hasn't got a leg to stand on no prenup oh don't oh oh i was in top class with that don't talk to me [Applause] smartest white woman in america i know how to get paul mccartney stumps turn him on here he comes hello paul want to lick the stump [Applause] look what you're wearing oh and i am all for gays and gay marriage god bless you all oh yes oh yes i went i went to george michael's wedding it was so beautiful beautiful held it where they met in the men's room at hyde park [Applause] this is my dog spike by the way yes he was anorexic for those of you there he was like the olsen twin of yorkies he was i hate them let's get to that they hear little skinny does the tampon make me look fat i anyhow he's my little dog spike oh god he's dead and and he's real for anybody here from peeta want to see how he died i couldn't take him with me to england i couldn't leave him because i loved him so i went like that and that was and it was dead i had no idea i used to do that to my daughter all the time it was just yeah anybody here a vegan i hate vegans ugh i won't eat anything with eyes what about your husband it is just [Applause] who's this madonna it is oh the old madonna now she's so full full excuse me excuse me is she here oh no she's doing she's working oh she was my old she was my friend when she was an old was she fun yes or no oh the madonna of the 80s oh you wouldn't trust her with a plant i loved her so much her knees were in different time zones i just she had an iud with call waiting she was just and now it's so far from i was over in england and i call her i oh i can't reach her i just fell off the halls first time she was ever on top of a horse in her whole life oh grow up four four four four four four now she has those two children oh no cause she had them with two separate fathers wrong wrong if you're gonna have children you have to have it with the same father or at least the same economic level father am i wrong oh look how i'm asking gay men am i wrong one of them is rich what's his name little uh no little little not no little um a rocco rocco and yeah what's going to happen at christmas what's going to happen at christmas little rocco you're going to be going to spend christmas with prince charles and uncle elton john and you're going to be in a castle and you're going to have such fun you can have all the pizza you want want want want and little lord is little poor lourdes you're going to be delivering that pizza can you limp you'll get a bigger tip it is ask kevin mccartney it is just oh yes want to see he still does tricks by the way stay that's yeah he committed suicide we won't even go there my yeah i have filipinos for neighbors and uh uh all right let's not tell the truth okay yeah filipinos don't eat dog is that what you is that what tonight is going to be about filipinos eat dogs do i give a damn do you give a sh they eat and they all we don't need to my neighbor meets me in the elevator i don't need to talk i don't need talk and there's a leash hanging out at her mouth i went to their house for thanksgiving and the turkey had a frisbee in its mouth just get in the oven you know how to do it come on you're a jew just move it let's get it oh oh oh miss rivers i hate old people i say i hate hate oh the bodies the bodies i didn't enjoy your bodies now oh out of brazil this is how i go to the bathroom i mean it is just i use my left boob now as a stomper in the tub i mean yes i mean it's just awful the only good thing is like take lemons make lemonade the only good thing is i can now get a pedicure and a mammogram at the same time but it's not enough vaginas vaginas drop you know this oh look at this drop how old are you 43. 43. so you start to see a little change don't pick on you you're sitting in the front row don't pick on you you chose the seat i did not would you show us your vagina vaginas vaginas drop no one tells you this vagina's dry i woke up three weeks ago this is a sad story i woke up three weeks ago and i went why am i wearing a bunny slipper and why is it gray it is i have this friend this poor old she's like losing her eyesight and nobody talked about the vagina and she was in her kitchen and she's walking around she sees this thing on the ground and she goes she loves her mouse [Applause] i had to take her to lennox hill hospital go explain that well what's the matter she stepped in her vagina excuse me oh so here we are and you're single yeah you're all single here the whole all every girl on this front row is single yes yeah i can tell the way you sit yeah no no no no no no you sit very cutesy rootsy married women i i who's married like uh put your hands up like saying find your you with the blue yeah you're married look at the difference look at the difference she sits relaxed single girl said perky boobies up smile song tongue is always out hello hello [Applause] oh waiter i'd like a cup of coffee minutes you're married the tongue goes back in the mouth the knees spread a shopping bed goes plunk i'm married so you've never been married no your mother must be dying what religion presbyterian presbyterian well they don't give a either way yes no italians care you know italians care jews care episcopalians get raised vegetarians well she'll get married eventually did you go to college yes that's why too smart they like them stupid let me tell you something they like them stupid with breasts that's what they like and they like them when they fake orgasm do you fake yeah oh you do could you make the sound for [Music] that's us what about you married woman let me hear you fake where is your husband all right so what's your name chris come here into the microphone yeah that's very good see gay men don't understand that just a fake orgasm all they have to do is spit in the guys back it's a whole different to farm go to farm this rivers oh that's what you think it is no all you have to do is go it is common courtesy and he's doing most of the work you've got to encourage him you're the best [Applause] oh it broke maybe if jennifer aniston had been faked a little more miss boohoo oh and now he's married to that i was on the plane with her angelina joe with the big fat lips she was at first and we were in business we was like pelican lips we were throwing fish go oh tom and what's her name katie had the baby yeah well he was there for the he was there for the birth very nice no jokes he was there for the birth it would be nice he was there for the conception but the was point very important i happened to be a grandmother i was there for my child's birth the grant i was after my child's birth too but i couldn't find a college kid to carry it was just oh oh when you go in now and they have the birth and you're there and they bring you in like it's an honor to cut the cord and they give me the scissors and i go like that and the blinds come down and it's just off and the nurse he looks just like you miss rivers she wants a tip he's got your nose you're a liar i never had that nose i was 38 years old don't you tell me that my way was much better i had a delivery they knocked me out with the first pain they woke me up and the hairdresser showed i knew nothing nothing mr rivers you've had a baby oh good good is it healthy yes good is it white yes good the marriage will continue because it's oh it's all about making sure you run the roost when you are in the relationship that's why every single woman in this room and the three of you in front learn learn what it's about you marry for money you're looking for love stupid stupid stupid i spit on love oh what about well i'll have an orgasm you want an orgasm you're gonna be in love with the guy you make him you find her old pig you make him take you to a furrier and you say shall i get the saber of the mink and he'll say take both you'll have an orgasm like you never had was that's what about and if you do get married you marry a man and you're a second wife second wives are where it's all at and you know it and i know it first wives are stupid show me a ring i'll tell you the first way for a second one first wife first wife pathetic this poor did you have to get married are you a bride from like some foreign country this was your ticket would you be an illegal alien that doesn't use condoms would that be it's like i you must be a second wife because first wives they do they they're in love stupid stupid stupid thank you thank you for the shitty ring thank you for the cloth coat that's a first wife second wife what the hell is this this is a joke you give this piece of to your mother and her weird swimming face down that's why every first wife in this room think like a second wife for god's sakes grab and take grab and take grab and take and when you die whatever you got out of him you have buried on you if the next wants it make her dig for i have made a blade and the third wives are always chinese i don't know why he's 95 the balls are on the ground like quasimodo she's 19. i love you baby you give me credit card i heard because women must take care of themselves i've learned these lessons these are life lessons and men like them with big breasts and no brains that's a you went to college no man ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card i am telling you i i just flew in from england i'm not making a joke i flew in from england i stopped in new york i cremated my mother-in-law and then i came out here and i am feeling very depressed very depressed my do have you ever cremated anybody you know what that's like and i was flying from new york to l.a and i thought i should have waited she was dead it was just but she always wanted to be cremated you know she was one of those women joan i want to be cremated jonah want to be creamer so i had a four hour layover and this is perfect and it's on bravo this couldn't be better come on betty get in the oven and right away all about her i'm not dead yet always about her i'm not [Applause] just get in the oven you know how to do it come on you're a jew just move in just get in oh oh oh miss rivers oh that's two miss rivers wait till you hear three i hated her in death and i hated her i hate her in life just because you die doesn't make you good she was always a whiner always a complainer joan you're standing in my windpipe always about her i don't want the radio in the pub with me oh i'm going to be cremated what are you going to be yeah probably but what if they lose our ashes i watch six feet under what if they lose our ashes what if i end up being snorted by whitney houston what yes yes i can end up in bobby brown's ass i yes that would be sun mother's day for melissa mr brown may i kiss your ass sure baby she loves me so much my daughter she's trying to fix me just let me be lonely isn't that nice you know she's trying to fix me up now with robert blake i think it is so sweet mother i want you to have him take you to a nice italian restaurant you stay in the car roll the window down oh god she and my little grandson the only thing i don't make jokes are truly only they don't make jokes is my grandson i love him so much little copper cooper i oh [Music] i hate kids i hate oh they they don't do a goddamn thing give me give me give me take me here take you if you can cry your little son of a you can dust you tie a rare to the leg and you throw a fig newton across the room hear your little go get it and i use them for my jewelry business god bless kathy lee gifford god oh she opened the door for all of us oh because they are so wonderful anybody here ever you should only hire children joan rivers jewelry 29 well you think you're gonna get this on qvc for 29 bucks made by union are you crazy little fingers can set little stones okay little imelda what would you rather be an eight-year-old prostitute in brazil or come work for aunt joni in her nice air-conditioned basement and it's christmas look you can touch the dog that's it back to her and i also hire old people so ha ha you probably throw grandma away not this chicken uh-uh if grandma's sitting there shaking i put a piece of silver in this hand and a rag in this hand i take her right off her medication she can go for hours like that all people are great you don't have to pick employee of the month they'll be dead and just have a had lunch yes three weeks ago because i work i'm i'm a woman that works i you look at me and i know you think a great star you look at me and yes it's true it's true yes sables and fur coats and limousines and stuff but i'm lonely sometimes i say staff i'm lonely who's going to me tonight when she was 16 i should have said melissa come in the library get your knees bring a banana mama wants to talk to you oh i'm so old and i'm dating at this age these old guys one guy gave me a hickey left his teeth in my neck another guy said i want you to meet my family he took me to the cemetery it's like [Applause] oh they're so awful and when they meet you in a bar they try to pick you up they die hi do i come here often i they're ju one guy took me out to dinner and died died and i had to put my hand in his pocket to get the american express card but i'm not gonna pay there's no future here oh all this stupid secure security and noisy because i came through i had to go london new york new york as i said la and all the time every place i stopped they they they put me through security again two people should not be stopped in security two people gay men and jewish women gay men i'm telling you there is no way in hell a gay man can ever get a bomb in his luggage there is no room should i put the bomb in there or should i take an extra sweater just to keep sending me some and a jewish woman no jewish woman is going to ever put a bomb in a gucci bag are you crazy excuse me you want me you had a burnsie to put a bomb in my gucci bag do you know how many people had to to get that gucci bag and what if the bag blows up and i don't i'm without a gucci bag oh god oh my christmas oh and now osama bin laden and we can't catch him you know how stupid this country is we can't catch the english people they blew up the subways i was over there when it happened in three days they found the guys who did it they killed them they killed some extras it was over well if you're that stupid they go stop oh shoot they don't really mean it yes we did and with us osama bin laden how can we not find this son of a he is a six feet four he's wearing a turban and he's in a sheet how hot is this he's in a sheet hang out at a white sale at bloomingdale's you will find this man that and he's on dialysis there is one socket in all of afghanistan one socket see they they may need more jews and to tell them what to do it's also why i hate grasses oh i hate you know why because i have no it's all inside i like ethnics you know what i'm telling you ethnic people get excited you tell an italian your mother died and he hated her you say to a wasp your mother died who got her shoes it's just biggest wasp and smart jacqueline rasas oh she fabulous is she here i don't read the papers that much not that good there's somebody the three of you single girls watch her not that good looking but the men loved her because she talked very quietly tongue was always they shot jack actually those funny lizard eyes like like they worked independently she was always looking around the clouds she was the only woman i ever met who could put her earrings on without looking in the mirror and wasn't she smart when she married onassis something you wouldn't do the three of you in the front we're looking for love she was so smart the first husband he screwed around she married him he left her for other women she was finding pants in the white house second one oh nasus he was this big disgusting did you ever see him buggies coming out of the nose like rainwater used to walk around the knuckles hit the ground that's how they got the pooper scuba law i mean just but when he died he left her 158 million dollars 158 million i'd hit the sheets so god damn fast for that oh please i'd even move i would do it oh this isn't so bad you can still watch tv if you're really engaged oh that's good a little more to the right honey perfect oh god ah so now i got to get up it's very it's very easy getting down but at this age it's a little harder getting up okay i know you're busy could one of you help me without ruining your musician's fingers sons of okay all right now i feel like doctor ruth okay it's just what's it scratch it okay talk among yourselves this is why i never made out with clinton it is just [Applause] it would have been easy getting down very hard getting now hurry up hillary's coming i'm trying god i hated clinton oh god oh i hate them all i hate the bushes i hate them all oh god i hate them all cause they're all on the track the bush girl's a little drunks daddy's in the right hand oh god their designated driver is teddy kennedy jr i just hate them i hated the clintons that ugly daughter celery i hate oh do you do you remember when they tried to fix her up do you remember that chelsea clinton and they got donatello versace good choice donatella versace it's like something you hang on a door in africa it's like so ugly we have had such ugly people in the white house that's why in england they're going to live forever because they have those two cute boys uh harry and uh william oh i can't wait till they they grow their own stamps we can just lick them i hope you're taking notes i hope you're gonna walk out of here you know who your role model should be monica lewinsky oh yes look how quiet the room got go google her go google monica lewinsky 17 million dollars she owns a pocketbook factory yeah exactly wow you think it would be like a vacuum cleaner factory but no it's a pack looker 17 million dollars for going down on the president of the united states 17 million dollars does my daughter melissa have 70 million dollars no no no and it's my fault it's my fault and you want to know why because i told her be good believe in god don't screw around don't sleep with people you don't want to sleep with stupid stupid stupid when she was 16 i should have said melissa come in the library get your knees bring a banana mama wants to talk to you that's what i should have said i was stupid she turned down playboy magazine do you exactly exactly yes write a gulp 200 000 naked to the waist on the cover turned it down turned itch down do you understand and calls me up and says what do you think mom because they always want the mother too you know agree what do you think and you got to be and you're a mother whatever you think melissa i'm behind you 100 what do i think what do i think you stupid what do i think what do i think take off your pants show them your get another 200 000 72 years old i'm playing to gays and old people i'm on the goddamn red carpet at two o'clock in the afternoon in the sun like a hooker in miami what do i think saying things like who you wearing you got a lucky charm who the are you [Applause] i stand by my friends michael jackson oh sure [Applause] and at this age it's so hard oh and there's so little work that's why i'm here for no money oh my god no we're all do we're all now into commercials commercials that's where it's at for all women commercials and i lost that on a shake and bake to catherine hepburn i will never forgive oh yes shake and bake it was four hundred thousand dollars and catherine hepburn got it oh oh oh i hate herself because she never told the shed parkinson's never never she she made us think she always said no not me she made us think it was our fault i threw out two perfectly good tv sets i thought they were shaking you want to see kathryn hepburn during an earthquake and we're doing the shake and bait commercial and i'm there with stocker channing and gwyneth paltrow's mother um uh blight down up like that all three of us four hundred thousand dollars and in works catherine hepburn and stalker said it oh she's a natural let's go i lost that but i am now doing and uh it's coming out um two months exactly from now i'm doing preparation h it is so exciting oh it's so great preparation nation i stand and i go hi i'm joan rivers i used to have hemorrhoids the size of golf balls i had to put sunblock on them but now thanks to preparation h i'm clean as a whistle come look i can sit very comfortably no pain the only thing is i get the preparation h all mixed up with my crest because well well they're all like you've never done that they're on the the the sink right next to each other and this i was trying to get here fast and i brushed my teeth for preparation age and it was just the worst oh god so my mouth excuse me because i never drink during the show but uh my mouth is all sticky and disgusting but my ass is minty fresh like anybody cares even my gynecologist examines me by phone and it's oh oh at this age i'm sorry yeah the sex is gone a guy flashed me three weeks ago i thought he was giving me directions it's like it oh it's it's so awful women it's just it's because a man no matter how old you are you're still a cat you know that we have an extra man bring him along he's 98 bring him bring him he's dead bring him we'll prob them what a nice audience you i'm talking to you so much oh god uh um i should give you something you well first of all uh wifey over here here you want something here here what do you want yeah take it what do you want take what you want this will kill me bravo there goes the budget good girl and what about you two what do you want purple something purple okay here here how about my legs there we go you get it in the middle you son of a i'm giving it to the two women here this is for you my jolly and what would you like sweetie puss succulent the succulent [Applause] you want the ugly one you are a presbyterian there's no question that's very american i'll just take a simple plant and make it grow that's very nice and you want a tree take a tree take a tree could you help me i know you're busy i know you're getting ready for the major finale could you help me please son's a bitch's jumper don't bother [Applause] you take it home with you all right take it home okay what a nice audience you are thank god oh you don't know so nervous no because you're coming you're coming from england and burying my mother-in-law and the whole thing has been just such a nightmare and and now i'm going and while i'm out here i'm going to get a little you know face stuff and well i always do my oh why not this is the capital of plastic surgery i god bless plastic surgery i love the ones that say they don't have it don't oh the law i everyone let me just tell you something every woman in our business has had something done sooner or later cher who's my very good friend is she here oh no she's still in that farewell to her cannibal waved her goodbye she's my very she's my very good friend i am blessed i am she's my very good friend julie andrews oh i love her so much yeah we're friends for years julian i was there after that whole terrible throat thing you know that where they cut the yeah can't sing calls me every day every [Applause] day hi julie how's your nose me [Applause] tell me the truth they say i shouldn't sing anymore what do you think let me hear honey jimmy and my best best friend in the whole world and you're not gonna like this but i stand by my friends not like you not like you i stand by my friends michael jackson oh sure boo boo i am so tired of this first of all all those boys got 30 million dollars each 30 million dollars i was there when he signed the checks 30 million dollars i only wish i had a son uh yes [Applause] yes branson guess what we found harry you gotta give the money back oh god thank god you left oh oh no no i've been so depressed we've all been through so much you know oh god i mean i'll never get i was in new york i'll never get over 7 11. it is just mark me for life and 9 11 2. but at 7 11. some son of a cut ahead of me and got the slurpee it was ch now 9 11 was terrible i was there oh god we ended up with 2 500 widows competition for me it was oh terrible and each one got six million dollars let's talk about this for a second here out of five out of 2500 women they got to be five that are not so unhappy no you know what i doing jenna bernstein harry's dead getting that kind of money and i want to find those women i'm going to ring their doorbells yeti bernstein guess what we found harry you gotta give the money back get out of my penthouse what is it baby shut up lance go back to bed i'll handle this and it's just i'm going to leave you up seriously my daughter-in-law melissa always says don't do this um uh i want to end with something nice good you're you're a lovely audience thank god thank god i'm so jet-lagged from going back and forth and sprinkling those damn ashes the whole thing so i want you to look at the person you're with because we are lucky we're americans and we are so lucky and we never appreciate it so i want you to look at the person you came with and the three of you all of you look at each other take hands and say i'm so glad i'm so glad look at each other who you came with i'm so ok all right now i want to hear only gay men i now own people women who still have their periods women with hot flashes now all together i'm so glad i'm not you thank you a pleasure working for you [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] foreign

Channel: girlboss videos

Views: 466,713

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Id: -ebA4Xj_pjQ

Length: 44min 9sec (2649 seconds)

Published: Thu Nov 11 2021