- My mom had to raise us on her own. She did that shit on her own. Tough as shit. (audience cheering) Sometimes a little too tough. Like it was borderline illegal-- (audience laughing) (laughing) It sucked! She never took us to the doctor. My mom never took us to the doc. My mom raised us like we were
still in the Philippines. (audience laughing) She tried to cure everything at home. (audience laughing) Like a real Filipino woman. (audience cheering) You had to die to go to the hospital. (audience laughing) Shit. My mom cured everything
with Vicks Vapor Rub. (audience cheering) Vicks Vapor Rub! I should have died nine
times when I was a kid. (audience laughing) That's abuse! There's one time I
thought I had pneumonia. I go, "Mom, I think I have pneumonia." And she goes, "I'll put extra
Vicks on your body, Joseph. "Just rub it everywhere Joseph. "Rub it on the bottom of the foot, "and then put a sock on the foot, and then the pneumonia will
come out of the foot Joseph." (audience laughing) I'm just smothered in fucking Vicks. (audience laughing) I should've called the cops. (audience laughing) My mom never hit us. She just scared us a lot. (audience laughing) She loved to curse and she
used to flex like that, and she used to do that shit! She brought that to America! (audience laughing) Anyone one that does this shit, ay, my mom started that shit! She did it to all of us. You know how embarrassing that is? To get pumped by a four
foot eight Asian woman? At the fucking mall. "Get out of the god damn Pootlocker. "Get out of the Pootlocker!" "I'm not even in the Footlocker!" (audience cheering) I used to cry. I used to cry and tell my mom, I go, "Mom, when I have kids, I'm never gonna do "what you do to me, to my kids." (audience laughing) And my mom looked at me, I swear to God, she put her hand on my
shoulder, and she goes, "Joseph, promise me, okay? "Never have kids." (audience laughing) (laughing) Shit on my dream. Yo, I'm telling you this. I became a comedian which
is totally against the grain when you have a Filipino mom. (audience laughing) If you have a Filipino mom, that is not the career choice
you're supposed to have. (audience laughing) Filipino moms predetermine what their kids are supposed
to be when they grow up. And you know I'm not making this shit up. There's a lot of Filipinos
in here right now that are nurses. (audience laughing) (laughing) Today is a good day to
get injured at a show. (audience laughing) 'Cause there will be a nurse in here like, "Oh my god, put a cold
compress on the head." (audience laughing) "Elebate the peet, elebate,
elebate the peet, elebate!" What the fuck is elebate? "Just lift!" (audience laughing) "Lift the pucking peet, are you stupid?" (audience laughing) And I'm not, hey, I'm not even... I'm not shitting on you for being a nurse. That's a great job, great
benefits, good money. I'm just sayin', it wasn't your dream. (audience laughing) That was your Filipino mom's dream. (audience laughing) A lot of, my mom wanted me to be a nurse! Are you fucking kidding me? (audience laughing) Filipino moms shit on their kids' dreams. And you know I'm not lying. You know I'm not lying. (mumbles) You can't have a dream. "What are you talking about, dream?" (audience laughing) I told my mom I wanted to be a comedian. She cried, "Why? "Why do you want to be
a comedian, Joseph?" (audience laughing) "All your aunties are nurses." (audience laughing) "Your cousins are nurses. "Do you see any clowns in this family?" (audience laughing) "Do you?" (audience cheering) Shit on my dream right there. Just looked at me, went like this, "Joseph, who told you you were punny?" (audience laughing) "It wasn't me!" (audience laughing) (smooth music)
Ppl hating in this thread already... bums me out! Jo Koy’s funny, he makes mad people laugh. Can’t you just leave it there? Like if he doesn’t make you laugh that’s totally cool! That said, you’re kinda subtracting joy from an already pretty fucked up world by taking the time to write a post that does nothing but piss on other people’s parades. You’re performing the opposite of comedy and it sucks to witness
I can’t believe he’s made a career out of talking about his son and mom. I feel bad talking shit because he makes people happy but holy shit, my salty eyes are rolling so far behind my head
as food