I COMMEND YOU FOR BEING HERE BECAUSE A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T SHOW UP THE MONDAY AFTER SUPER BOWL. THIS IS ONE OF THE BIGGEST DAYS OF THE YEAR TO SKIP WORK. THEY CALL IT FOOTBALL HANGOVER DAY. MORE THAN 17 MILLION AMERICANS WERE EXPECTED TO CALL IN SICK TO WORK TODAY. WHICH I GET IT. I OVERDID IT TOO. I HAD SO MUCH TO EAT AND DRINK YESTERDAY, I STARTED TO HALLUCINATE. I WOKE UP ON MY COUCH, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TIME IT WAS, BUT I WOKE UP AND I IMAGINED I SAW LIL' WAYNE DRESSED AS A ROBOT. WEIRD, RIGHT? ANYWAY. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] I WILL SAY THIS. THE BEST PART OF THE SUPER BOWL FOR ME THIS YEAR WAS KNOWING THAT MATT DAMON SPENT THE DAY SOBBING INTO HIS TOM BRADY -- [ LAUGHTER ] IT WAS A GOOD GAME, A FUN GAME TO WATCH. THE KANSAS CITY CHIEFS AS YOU KNOW CAME BACK FROM A TEN-POINT DEFICIT IN THE FOURTH QUARTER TO BEAT THE 49ers AND WIN THEIR FIRST TITLE IN 50 YEARS, WHICH TO PUT THAT IN PERSPECTIVE THE LAST TIME THE CHIEFS WON THE SUPER BOWL THE JACKSON 5 HAD THEIR FIRST NUMBER ONE HIT. TRUE. MARCUS WE WLBY WAS THE MOST POPULAR SHOW ON TV. AND BERNIE SANDERS HAD JUST HAD HIS FIRST GREAT GREAT-GRANDCHILD. [ LAUGHTER ] IT'S EXCITING. BECAUSE HE'S OLD, GUILLERMO. >> Guillermo: I KNOW. >> Jimmy: RUNNING BACK DAMIEN WILLIAMS IS HERE TONIGHT FROM THE CHIEFS. [ APPLAUSE ] HE BROUGHT A FRIEND WITH HIM AS WELL. OR MAYBE VICE VERSA. DAMIEN SCORED TWO TOUCHDOWNS IN THE FOURTH QUARTER. SO HE'S A HAPPY GUY. J. LO AND SHAKIRA DID THE HALFTIME SHOW. MOST EVERYONE SEEMED TO LIKE THAT. INCLUDING FORMER FLORIDA GOVERNOR JEB BUSH, WHO WROTE "BEST SUPER BOWL HALFTIME SHOW EVER." [ LAUGHTER ] PERIOD. NO EXCLAMATION POINT. LOW ENERGY. LOW ENERGY. [ APPLAUSE ] THAT'S JUST JEBBY FROM THE BLOCK. YOU KNOW, ACCORDING TO "USA TODAY" THE MOST POPULAR SUPER BOWL COMMERCIAL WAS THE JEEP AD WHERE BILL MURRAY RODE AROUND WITH A GROUNDHOG. AND THE LEAST LIKED COMMERCIAL, COMING IN AT NUMBER 62 OF 62, WAS FOR DONALD TRUMP'S RE-ELECTION CAMPAIGN. THAT'S TRUE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] NOT A JOKE. RATED LAST. DONALD TRUMP IS LESS POPULAR THAN SCIENTOLOGY AND A HUMMUS. [ LAUGHTER ] TRUMP DID WEIGH IN AFTER THE GAME WITH WELL WISHES FOR THE WINNERS. HE WROTE "CONGRATULATIONS TO THE KANSAS CITY CHIEFS ON A GREAT GAME AND A FANTASTIC COMEBACK UNDER IMMENSE PRESSURE. YOU REPRESENTED THE GREAT STATE OF KANSAS AND IN FACT THE ENTIRE USA." UNFORTUNATELY FOR THE PRESIDENT, THE CHIEFS ARE NOT IN KANSAS. THEY'RE IN MISSOURI. KANSAS CITY, MISSOURI. SO TRUMP HAD TO DELETE AND CORRECT THE TWEET. I WONDER WHO THE LUCKY STAFFER WHO HAD TO TELL HIM THAT. I THINK THAT'S WHEN THEY SEND IN IVANKA IN THOSE SITUATIONS. [ LAUGHTER ] IT'S DUMB OF COURSE BECAUSE HE'S DUMB. BUT SOMETIMES I THINK -- SOMETIMES I THINK TRUMP MIGHT BE DOING THIS ON PURPOSE TO FIND OUT WHICH OF HIS BACK SLAPPERS GO DEEPEST UP HIS BUTT. FOR INSTANCE, THERE'S A GUY NAMED MATT SCHLAPP WHO RUNS THE CONSERVATIVE POLITICAL ACTION CONFERENCE. HE LEAPT TO THE PRESIDENT'S DEFENSE. HE WROTE "DEAR EAST COAST ESTABLISHMENT, KANSAS CITY, KANSAS IS IN KANSAS." RIGHT. THERE IS ONE. BUT THAT'S NOT THE KANSAS CITY WHERE THE CHIEFS PLAY. WHICH IS CLEARLY WHAT TRUMP WAS REFERRING TO. AND I GUESS THAT'S THE KIND OF PERSON YOU GROW UP TO BE WHEN YOUR NAME IS MATT SCHLAPP. [ LAUGHTER ] THAT GUY'S A REAL MATT SCHLAPP. [ APPLAUSE ] I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. TRUMP MUST HAVE WORKED OUT QUITE A SWEAT GORGING ON CHICKEN WINGS LAST NIGHT BECAUSE THIS WAS HIS OFFICIAL SCHEDULE TODAY AS RELEASED BY THE WHITE HOUSE. FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS OF THE DAY, 12:30 P.M. TUNA SALAD SANDWICH WITH MIKE PENCE. AND THEN THAT'S IT. [ LAUGHTER ] WHO DO YOU THINK DREADS THAT LUNCH MORE, TRUMP OR PENCE? I THINK IT'S A TOSSUP. I REALLY DO. TRUMP DID TAKE TIME YESTERDAY TO SPOON WITH HIS PAL SEAN HANNITY ON THE SUPER BOWL PREGAME SHOW. THESE GUYS ARE VERY TIGHT. BUT IF YOU WERE EXPECTING A LINE OF SOFTBALL QUESTIONS FROM SEAN, WELL, YEAH, THAT'S COMPACTLY WHAT HAPPENED. >> WHAT DO YOU LOVE ABOUT SPORTS? >> WELL, IT'S SORT OF A LITTLE BASTE MICROCOSM OF LIFE. YOU KNOW, YOU HAVE WINNERS, YOU HAVE CHAMPIONS, YOU HAVE PEOPLE THAT YOU EXPECT TO SEE THAT FINAL PLAY. YOU HAVE GREAT COACHES LIKE BELICHICK. YOU HAVE PEOPLE THAT YOU EXPECT MORE OUT OF AND OFTENTIMES THEY PRODUCE. THEN YOU HAVE PEOPLE THAT YOU JUST DON'T EXPECT ARE GOING TO DO IT AND OFTENTIMES THEY DON'T. IT'S A MICROCOSM OF LIFE. [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: YEAH. OKAY. SAME QUESTION. THIS TIME ANSWER IN ENGLISH, PLEASE, SO WE CAN UNDERSTAND IT. THIS WAS QUITE AN INTERVIEW. YOU KNOW WHEN OBAMA -- OBAMA DID HIS FIRST SUPER BOWL INTERVIEW ON FOX WITH BILL O'REILLY. IT WAS A BIG DEAL. BUT THEY TALKED ABOUT A LOT OF ISSUES INCLUDING HEALTH CARE. PRESIDENT TRUMP USED HIS TIME TO ROAST BATTLE HIS RIVALS. >> I JUST THINK OF SLEEPY. I JUST WATCH HIM. HE'S SLEEPY. SLEEPY JOE. I THINK HE'S A COMMUNIST. I THINK OF COMMUNISM WHEN I THINK OF BERNIE. YOU COULD SAY SOCIALIST. BUT DIDN'T HE GET MARRIED IN MOSCOW? THAT'S HOW POCAHONTAS GOT STARTED. EVERYTHING'S A FAIRY TALE. THIS WOMAN CAN'T TELL THE TRUTH. YOU KNOW, NOW HE WANTS A BOX FOR THE DEBATES TO STAND ON. OKAY. IT'S OKAY. THERE'S NOTHING WRONG. YOU CAN BE SHORT. WHY SHOULD HE GET A BOX TO STAND ON? OKAY? HE WANTS A BOX FOR THE DEBATES. WHY SHOULD HE BE ENTITLED TO THAT? REALLY. DOES THAT MEAN EVERYONE ELSE GETS A BOX? >> Jimmy: THIS BOX THING WAS DIRECTED AT FORMER MAYOR MICHAEL BLOOMBERG, WHO TRUMP CLAIMS, WITHOUT ANY EVIDENCE, THAT -- I DON'T KNOW. THIS SEEMS TO BE SOMETHING HE MADE UP. THAT BLOOMBERG HAS ASKED TO STAND ON A BOX FOR THE NEXT DEBATE. BECAUSE HE'S SHORT. TRUMP CALLS BLOOMBERG MINI MIKE. AGAIN, BECAUSE HE'S SHORT. WHILE BLOOMBERG HIMSELF TOOK THE HIGH ROAD. ONE OF HIS SENIOR ADVISERS, A GUY NAMED TIM O'BRIEN, DID NOT. >> I'VE BEEN ASKED A LOT LATELY BECAUSE TRUMP HAS BEEN COMING AFTER MIKE SO MUCH, YOU KNOW, WHAT'S IT LIKE TO BE IN DONALD TRUMP'S HEAD SO MUCH. AND WHAT I'VE SAID TO PEOPLE IS WHEN YOU GET INSIDE DONALD TRUMP'S HEAD ALL YOU'RE GOING TO DISCOVER THAT YOU FIND THERE IS A PUTTER, A CHEESEBURGER, A PORN VIDEO, AND SOMEBODY ELSE'S CREDIT CARD. [ APPLAUSE ] >> Jimmy: HE FORGOT THE BRONZING BUTTER. THAT WOULD MAKE FOR QUITE A BUMPER STICKER. THE IMPEACHMENT TRIAL IS STILL GOING ON. IT'S NOT OVER. IT'S LIKE A FOOTBALL GAME WITH A 30-POINT LEAD RUNNING OUT THE CLOCK. TODAY THEY HAD CLOSING ARGUMENTS WHICH WERE VERY MUCH LIKE THE OPENING ARGUMENTS YOU BUT WITHOUT ANY WITNESSES OR EVIDENCE IN BETWEEN. BUT YOU HAVE TO HAND IT TO MITCH McCONNELL FOR CUTTING OUT THE MIDDLE MAN GETTING RIDE TO THE VERTICAL BEING INNOCENT. AS YOU KNOW, REPUBLICANS IN THE SENATE ON FRIDAY VOTED TO NOT HEAR FROM WINTSZS IN THIS TRIAL. WITH THE EXCEPTION OF MITT ROMNEY OF UTAH AND SUSAN COLLINS OF MAINE. SUSAN COLLINS VOTED FOR WITNESSES BUT ONLY AFTER WAITING TO MAKE SURE HER VOTE WOULDN'T MATTER AT ALL. KENNETH STARR TODAY, TRUMP'S ATTORNEY, REFERENCED DR. MARTIN LUTHER KING JR. WHEN HE WAS DEFENDING TRUMP. SO HAPPY BLACK HISTORY MONTH, EVERYBODY. AT LEAST IRONY AND DEMOCRACY DIED TOGETHER. THE PRESIDENT TOOK A VICTORY LAP ON THE LINKS THIS WEEKEND. ON SATURDAY HE TWEETED "GETTING A LITTLE EXERCISE THIS MORNING." WHICH FOR THE RECORD IF THE ACTIVITY YOU'RE DOING INVOLVES YOU GETTING DRIVEN AROUND IN A PAIR OF DOCKERS WITH A 52-INCH WAIST THAT'S NOT EXERCISE. THAT'S GOLF. [ APPLAUSE ] SOME POLITICAL ANALYSTS ARE SAYING -- ARE WORRIED THAT ONCE HE IS ACQUITTED BY THE SENATE TRUMP WILL BE EVEN MORE RECKLESS THAN HE'S BEEN SO FAR, NOW THAT HE KNOWS THERE'S NO PENALTY FOR ABUSE OF OFFICE HE WILL BE DRUNK WITH POWER IS THE CONCERN. THE PRESIDENT WAS IN IOWA AHEAD OF THE CAUCUS THERE, WHERE WE SLOWED THAT DRUNKEN POWER DOWN TO HALF SPEED FOR TONIGHT'S VILLAGE PEOPLE EDITION OF "DRUNK DONALD TRUMP." ♪ [ MUSIC SLOWING DOWN ] [ VOICE SLOWED DOWN ] >> THE SONG, I JUST WALKED IN AND THEY'RE PLAYING THE SONG. "YMCA." SO WHEN YOU'RE HAVING A HARD TIME -- JUST THINK OF THE SONG. ♪ YMCA AND YOU'RE -- ♪ >> Jimmy: IT'S CALLED A MORONIC DEVICE. THE IOWA CAUCUS WAS THE BIG DEAL OF THE DAY FOR DEMOCRATS TODAY. WHY, I STILL DON'T KNOW. THE IOWA CAUCUS IS A LOT LIKE POLAROID CAMERAS IN THAT NO ONE UNDERSTANDS HOW THEY WORK. IOWA GETS TO GO FIRST BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW, I GUESS THEY HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO LOOK FORWARD TO. BUT YOU LIVE IN IOWA, YOU DON'T ACTUALLY HAVE TO BE IN IOWA TO CAST YOUR VOTE. THIS IS FROM WHAT THEY CALL A SATELLITE CAUCUS IN PORT CHARLOTTE, FLORIDA. THIS IS WHERE THE SNOWBIRDS FROM IOWA GO. AND THIS JUST TELLS YOU CAUCUSWISE ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THIS PROCESS, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU THROW A LITTLE FLORIDA IN THE MIX. >> SANDERS WONE. STEYER 2. WARREN 12. YANG 1. AND I DON'T HAVE UNCOMMITTED YET. >> IS THERE ANY UNCOMMITTEDS? IN THE HOLE. OKAY. WERE YOU UNCOMMITTED BACK THERE? >> Jimmy: WHAT ABOUT DECEASED? IS ANYONE DECEASED? [ LAUGHTER ] NO? OKAY. GOOD LUCK HACKING THAT, PUTIN.
