Jimmy Evans Reveals The BIGGEST Mistake In Marriage | Jimmy Evans

I'm gonna say something to you if you can't find an hour a day to talk you're too busy and you need to find another area to cut back in not your marriage say no to a friend say no to a yumba class is that what they call it was Zumba whatever it's called shouldn't even close [Music] in this first session we're going to talk about communication this is from industructural Marriage seminar it's called indestructible communication communication is the most important issue in marriage it's the most important thing that we do in marriage because it transcends everything we talk about money we talk about kids we talk about sex we know each other through talking we resolve conflict through talking talking is the most important 86 percent of people who divorce say they had deficient communication and so it probably should be a hundred percent but it virtually precedes almost every major uh marriage problem and Karen and I had tremendous problems uh with this issue early in our marriage so I love talking about this here's why we communicate let me let me talk about just six reasons why we communicate because it's not just monolithic that we talk about one particular thing first of all basic information like dinner's ready you know we we talked to to just inform each other of things the second is partnership because we're partners because we share needs we share children we we share responsibilities because you're my partner I need to talk to you about the things that we're partnering in the third is conflict resolution now you'll hear me say this again but it's no big deal if you fight the good marriages they're they fight okay so the goal of your marriage isn't to fight the goal of your marriage is to resolve conflict so you shouldn't you shouldn't be afraid of conflict now if you don't know how to communicate you probably are afraid of it and if you came out of a home or your parents divorced Children of Divorce fear conflict more because they fear it's going to end the marriage but it shouldn't good marriages have conflict but conflict resolution is one of the reasons that we communicate the next is connection and this is massive in good marriages it's easy to connect with each other connection happens by look it happens by smile it happens by physical affection it happens by words that we speak but in bad marriages they can't connect during the average meal like if you and your spouse went out to a restaurant research has proven during the average meal there will be a hundred points of connection between a couple a healthy couple during that meal so we we want to connect we want to connect with each other and it should be very easy to connect it shouldn't be difficult number five is personal information Revelation is I want to tell you about my my thoughts my feelings so on and so forth in the the last is intimate communication expressions of love affection you know so on and so forth like that and so when you have a healthy marriage you can do all six the five things that need to be present for you to be able to communicate on all six levels and the first is the right tone um uh everything that you say in marriage has to have the right tone so let me say the same thing three ways okay and just see if it means something different to you uh in the way that I'm saying it so I'm going to say okay I understand I'll do it okay so so Karen says something to me and I say okay I understand I'll do it Karen says something to me and I say okay I understand I'll do it Karen said something to me I say okay I understand I'll do it does that mean something different tone is everything in communication first of all tone tells you if I care or not let me tell you something it is impossible to communicate with a person who doesn't care have you ever been in a restaurant and you're being waited on by waiter or waitress and they don't want to do they don't want to wait on you and you're wanting some more ice here you're wanting something and they won't make eye contact and every time excuse me like that and they walk past like that that's what many marriages are like you just don't care if empathy is the feature of all new relationships when you fall in love empathy means putting yourself in another person's place an example Karen and I our first date was Two Three Dog Night in 19 in 1969 I think it was and I picked her up in my 1964 Dynamic 88 Oldsmobile blue uh one entire side of my car was wrecked my mother wrecked I have two older brothers Damien and Lucifer and and my mother wrecked cars for all three of us and on the day that I started driving I got her wrecked 19 what about 64. dynamicated Oldsmobile and I worked this scrub It Up Car Wash so I washed my car I cleaned up as good as I could clean up and I went to pick Karen up tried to impress her pulled up on the good side of the car it was years before she saw the bad side you know how that is and I I drove so carefully uh I mean I was because I I didn't want to bother her I didn't want her to be afraid or anything so I was so careful in the way that I drove and you fast forward three or four years later I drove like a wild man and she would say Jimmy slow down and I would say doctor nothing wrong with the way I'm driving you know the difference was I didn't care but when when you first start dating everything you say has a little poetry to it you don't say well let's go eat somewhere you say darling what about an evening under the golden arches Don Juan you're just you just care you just care well Karen and I were going on a trip one time the kids were little and we were going to swipe some place for the weekend and uh we were pulling out of the driveway and she said um now if you drive fast I'll be tense when we get there and I won't be in the mood it took us four hours to go 100 miles but boy it was a great night so when you're speaking to your spouse you know if they care or not you know if they care because the tongue you know you just tell so Karen I've been married 45 years we know each other's tongue and I watched my tongue I know good and well when I'm talking to Karen it's not just what I'm saying but the way I'm saying it communicates whether I care or not the other thing about tone is it's encrypted whether we realize it or not the number one need that a man has is respect number one that's our Mega need the number one need that women have is security so you have to understand when you're talking to a woman the tone of what you're saying has to communicate to her your first you're not you're not a burden to me if I need to say no to something else that's no problem to me but I won't say no to you I'll do anything to meet your needs and so just what what is it that you want rather than a tone that says what do you want I'm busy watching football what do you want and to let her know she's not on your heart that she is a distraction and that you're frustrated so every time you're communicating with a woman every it's not what you're saying it's the way you're saying it it has to be encrypted with security or it's going to make her feel upset and insecure not not because she's an insecure person but because she looks to you as a source of security in her life now this is also true of daughters well little girls when you're talking to a little girl you have to talk to her the same way for men the honor is our number one need so when you're talking to your husband the tone of what you're saying to him has to say I respect you and I believe in you I believe that you're a good man and I trust you and it's not what you're saying it's the way you're saying it to a man the way you say it is as important as what you say and so this is also true of little boys little boys are just little you know little men and when you're talking to a little boy or son if you humiliate him or talk down to him it it upsets him it's going to be hard to communicate so when we're when we're communicating the number one thing the number one thing when you're communicating is watching your tongue and making sure of two things you know I care and I'm encrypting this in your language you don't need what I need I don't need what you need but I'm making sure that I'm talking to you in your language I'm saying just that point right there will help you to communicate number two uh element in good communication is enough time is it this is a huge thing obviously is enough time and I'm going to be very specific about this I want to talk about three different types of communication in the time that goes with it the first is proactive communication time okay in three to five days a year proactively communicating proactive means in advance rather than being reactive many people many couples just react in life having a budget means we're going to make financial decisions proactively and what it does is it means we're not just going to react to money problems all the time we're not going to react we're going to be proactive about it tremendously helps in the relationship but we learned about 30 years ago how to do Vision Retreats a friend of mine taught me how to do Vision Retreats so Karen and I for many years have done Vision Retreats and that is we go away uh three or four or five days uh to in in the mornings we wake up and we pray and talk the mornings are all about praying and talking we submit every area of our marriage to God the the vision Retreat begins because it can't be a head-betting session it's not a time where we're trying to win or persuade it's a time that we're praying and talking about every area of our marriage and we know that we have God's Vision when we agree that's how we know and so there's a openness of sharing you're not going to pay a price for disagreeing with me you're not going to pay a price for sharing your opinion or how you feel but Karen and I when we did our first Vision Retreat is 30 years ago or so and um we we had a good marriage but we fought the most about my schedule because I was very busy and Karen didn't feel like a partner in my schedule and she wouldn't we fought about kids our kids were teenagers and we fought about money those were the three areas of tension so we we came together and by the way the the the pastor who taught me how to do Vision Retreats had five children and they every year they prayed individually for every child individually when the Bible says train up a child the way he should go and when he gets old he won't depart from it that means two things train them up in the ways of God and that means train them to be who they are not who their brother is if you've got a mathematician on your hands and you're treating him like he's a quarterback you're going to have problems and so what is it why did God create that child and the vision Retreat when Karen and I went on it we prayed for Julian Brent individually we prayed for every area of our marriage and we went to another level three to five days a year let me say this would you would you rather take then don't take your kids do not take your children into your tree you you talk and pray until noon you write down whatever you believe that God is saying the rest of the day is about having fun and if you're fighting just say okay we're hey let's come back to the fight tomorrow morning and we're gonna go have fun the rest of the day okay just put your fight on hold you actually can do that and how do I know I don't know someone told me but so well let me ask questions would you like to take three or four or five days a year and have peace for the rest of the year where I'd rather save those days in fact the rest of the year Vision Retreat will transform your marriage proactive communication time the next is personal communication time an hour a day this takes an hour to in personal communication time is we're just we're talking we're catching up I'm telling you about my day you're telling me about your day kids whatever it is now let me say something about this technology free technology is a wonderful servant it's a terrible master if you can't turn your phone off and your computer off it's controlling you it'll ruin your marriage you know there was a time when Karen and I started dating you could actually be alone with a person and that a foreign concept that you could actually be alone today we have billions of people with us wherever we go we're too connected we're too connected and our children are too connected and what you have to do when you're communicating is turn your phone off or don't answer it just just put it away turn your computer off don't be on the computer now you can talk sometimes when you have your phone around stuff I'm talking about face-to-face quality time an hour a day when you're going to talk now Karen and I uh when the weather's good we'll sit on our back porch we love to sit on the back porch and talk and I know Karen's finished talking because she gets up and leaves and I've learned what that means but and my commitment is to talk to her as long as she needs to talk but walking in the mornings just make it a habit walking in the mornings um you know just finding a time in the evenings when the kids are in bed whatever your best time is well I'm gonna say something to you if you can't find an hour a day to talk you're too busy and you need to find another area to cut back in not your marriage

Channel: XO Marriage

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Keywords: Jimmy Evans Reveals The BIGGEST Mistake In Marriage, MarriageToday, Jimmy Evans, Dave and Ashley Willis, XO, XO Conference, XO Podcast, Marriage, Marriage Help, Counseling, Divorce, Should I get a divorce, God, Jesus, Spirit-filled, The Bible, Church, dating, weddings, wedding planning, pre-marital counseling, love, sex, communication, jimmy evans reveals teh biggest mistake in marriage, jimmy evans reveals the biggest mistake in mariage, jimmy evans reveals teh biggest mistake in mariage

Id: yBWCbQ0Fjbo

Length: 14min 31sec (871 seconds)

Published: Mon Apr 10 2023