The Importance of Leaving and Cleaving - Ted Cunningham

if you have a tough day at work and you get in the car and your first person you're gonna call your mom not your wife that's a problem that's gonna prevent you from the second half of Genesis 2:24 the two becoming one welcome to the focus on the family broadcast helping families thrive here at focus on the family we love marriage and I hope people feel that and know it it's foundational to the family and it's a gift from God and we need to lift marriage up to its proper place and I think in many ways restore what God intended with marriage in fact it's the reason why we talk so much about it here on our program we like to equip you with those tools to help you live your marriage in such a way that others are going to see something wonderful and beautiful in your marriage it's it's a witness to the world today we're targeting newly married couples but this also applies to their parents that's the good news we're all gonna benefit from the discussion today we've got some solid trusted advice about the importance of God's design to leave behind your childhood family and cleave to your spouse so we're putting this in the family formation category and we have invited one of the best speakers and authors on the topic of marriage and that's pastor Ted Cunningham he's the founding pastor of Woodland Hills Family Church in Branson Missouri and Ted you've seen a few weddings I think does one stick out like oh oh I remember one when I was in a wedding and a guy passed out one of the groomsmen keeled over into the candelabra which almost caught the drapes on fire I've had them from they've they've been so out of control crying they can't say the words that's sweet that that is and and you have to pause you have to wait I've had I've never had a bride or groom pass out but I have had groomsmen yeah why is it always the groomsman what are we doing wrong they have one job I'm there in a tux that's it that's your only job you can't make that happen we pick the wrong guy now Ted you are a contributor to a compilation book that we worked on actually it's a series of things DVD curriculum and other things ready to Wed and I think Greg Smalley who kind of orchestrated that resource and the other attached resources saw that if a couple receives 10 hours of counseling or more their risk of divorce is significantly reduced your pastor your counseling couples are thinking of getting married do you see that play out in your own in your own church oh absolutely we it's a requirement for us if you are wanting to get married you know at our church or by someone from our church we we require a minimum of six hours believing 10 12 is better but our goal is that you don't just go through premarital you after you get married you plug in the biblical community through a small group we keep growing yeah yeah and continue to grow I can remember when gene and I did our premarital counseling in Southern California I remember there probably a dozen couples involved it was a all day Saturday for two or three Saturday's on the second or third Saturday that we were doing this I remember three couples got up and said we're not ready and we may not be right for each other which is a mark of success yeah absolutely and I think for for Amy and I we we went through a lot of skills-based premarital and what I loved about ready to Wed and it's Greg and Erin Smalley's heart and passion for marriage is more at the heart level we never really got into the heart conversations and the family of origin issues and the messages written on the heart we were dealing with budgeting and dealing with you know the first night of intimacy and anyway we were going through more of the skills and not so much the voices or the messages written on the heart which is what really crops up in the marriage pretty quickly you may not see it in that honeymoon period the first may be a year or two but those things will eventually begin to pop their heads up like Groundhog's right yeah and it's welcome oh it's that it's that moment you're trying to figure out why your your spouse says or does the things they do and then you're over at your in-laws house and your mother-in-law and your father-in-law says or does something and you had that moment where you're like just sod now I know where it comes from now being a guide the one thing not to say in that moment is honey you remind me of your mother it's not good advice what would Amy say your wife about good things a woman shouldn't say about her husband yeah Amy when she is she's seeing more and more of my dad coming out in me and there's a lot I get mine but the mom that comes out and me my mom gets excited very easy I get excited very easy when things are happening and and I love to tell you know my family to calm down hey hey everybody calm down calm down yeah cuz we're good and Amy reminds me we are calm we are all calm in this room Ted right now but you but we we see we see we love now seeing you know after being married for 20 years how much the family of origin still plays in isn't it yeah then the older you get the more obvious it gets well and the older you get the more I appreciate it yeah probably five five ten years ago even I'm seeing my mom and dad come out of me I'm like ah but now I'm as they're getting older even I'm saying those are the qualities I'm I'm wanting well and that was the section that you contributed in ready to Wed which was the leave and cleave now that almost sounds very Christian ease and it would be good for people that don't even understand what we're talking about what is leave and cleave yea Genesis 2:24 says for this reason a man will leave his father and mother be united to his wife and the two become one flesh most of the time we look at that versus a marriage verse but the first half of that verse is parenting for this reason a man will leave his father and mother in other words it's the job of a parent to make sure a child leaves home as an adult not on a journey to become one that's the most important thing biggest mistake I think we make as parents today as we treat our children like children right up until the very moment we expect them to be an adult Wow and so for for me it's not academics it's not athletics that raise our children into adults it's parents and it doesn't say for this reason a child leaves his mom and dad it doesn't say for this reason an adolescent leaves his mom and dad it says an adult I'll think about that my I'm supposed to send my children out of the home not on a journey to become an adult but as an adult prepared for the responsibilities of work and relationships and in the context of Genesis 2:24 cleaving I'm supposed to be preparing my son at 11 years old right now to be a husband and my daughter at 13 soon 14 to be a wife that's my responsibility and that's where we get into the whole leave and cleave I am preparing my children leave you asked my eleven-year-old what's your dad's definition of Genesis 2:24 he will look at you and go I will not be with mom and dad forever so plan accordingly that's right and I tell my kids all the time we love you you're a welcome addition to this home but your mom and I we got big plans after you leave it's not my job to send Corrine and Carson out of the home for 10 years of self-discovery and to figure out who they are I'm supposed to send them out prepared with the the milestones of adulthood ready to go for work and relationship what are some of those things you're doing both for your daughter and for your son so if the definition of prolonged adolescence is too much privilege not enough responsibility it's it's time as I move them into the teenage years to help them understand privilege is at the end of responsibility you have to start laying on more of the responsibility you have to start allowing them to make more decisions if it's true we treat our children like children right up until the very day we expect them to be adults this is why so many young people crash and burn their freshman year of college they're just not ready for the responsibility of all that freedom my mom and dad were on me some of them say they were on me all the way up until they dropped me off at college and then they weren't there to be on me and so I wasn't I wasn't prepared for it ideas were thrown at me and events were thrown at me and activities were thrown at me and I just said yes to all of them and so I think that starts way back earlier at that tween stage when individualization and separation kick in and your child according to the scripture is actually becoming a little adult that we we have to stop seeing the tween years as this pushback period of time where they're rebelling it's not it's not automatic rebelling it's they're becoming adults right and how to embrace that and encourage it but do it in a responsible way encourage or I even used the word celebrate it right promote it right yeah you're an adult so what that means is I don't tell you to brush your teeth anymore that's not my job right that's like responsibility number one I'm not gonna be telling a 13 year old it's time to take a shower okay and I know what do you do if they're not doing it they're gonna experience someone else is gonna tell them I'll say this someone else is gonna smell them yeah you need to take a shower and I'm just saying the loving thing to do as a parent is let me help my child understand that yeah and their need for it rather than them getting picked on in the world saying man what what's going on that's your responsibility you gotta you gotta get yourself up you gotta brush your own teeth you got to take a shower you got to get dressed I'm not laying out your clothes anymore you can't I'm getting pretty work pretty much I just have to see that life I'm in brushing your teeth and taking a shower if you're not doing those two things you're probably not gonna be married that's right exactly and that shouldn't start when they're they're 18 I just think my parents it would never be my alarm clock at 16 17 years old it just didn't happen I mean I just remember they're like you want to get to school get yourself up now my parents left for work before I went to school so it was a responsibility thrust on me it said you talk in the book about your favorite moment in the marriage ceremony and that's when dad gives away his little girl and why is that particular moment as a pastor so rewarding for you it's rewarding it's emotional you know the guy can be the dad can be 6-8 to 80 let's hope some linebacker when could I ask at the rehearsal hey tomorrow I want you to turn and face your daughter why after eyes ask who gives this woman to be married to this man we're not rushing through this I want this to be a moment and I don't don't work to make this some viral moment on YouTube this is you dad and daughter and I want you to speak a blessing over your daughter you won't have a clock so take your time you want to have a microphone we don't need to hear it we don't need to get it all recorded let this be your moment where I can't think of anything that's more literal for Genesis 2 speaking life into your daughter yeah this is I am literally giving you away right now to be another man's wife and dad at the rehearsal usually shrugs me off like yeah no problem I'll do that pastor and you have no idea yeah let me ask you why you know I think today I don't know if it's technology and entertainment and everything else we we kind of shrugged through this amazing moment of responsibility and we under play it in so many ways when this is an astonishing moment and and for me I think big picture with weddings I'm super sad that everybody wants them short today is what I'm seeing in the church there and and I will have the bride tell me keep it short and I used to sit down with couples and be like okay let's my part let me tell you what the elements that I'm over and then you let me know the special music if any families reading Scripture and there are no special elements there's no actual you just get right to it let's get this going let's get the party and I'm going this is a lot of money to invest in 15 minutes right but why do you think that is why do you think people aren't cherishing this moment and how does that play downstream with their commitment yeah that's a great example and I know we say invest more in the marriage than you do in the wedding but I think when we say that we're not meaning you know don't don't view this as special don't view this as an opportunity or just a formality and so you know when that dad on the wedding day after the Herstal walks his daughter down the aisle and he turns to face his daughter there's not a dry eye in the place and you know he don't have a microphone so all we hear is I mean just this little whimpering coming out but we all have to take a moment to gather ourselves and then he turns and faces him and I've told my daughter this is the story I use in the book the princess and the Queen you know when she was five she was kind of taken over the home and I sat her down and said there's only one Queen in this house and you ain't her and she looked at me with those eyes that said we'll see oh man she's five and she's five she told Amy the next day there's room enough in this house for two Queens and I sat her down I said listen one day a little boy's gonna say the words to you I love you and and I want you to know he's of his father the devil and a child of darkness I want you to stay with no I did not like sir every listener knows I did not say that to her what did you say I said one day I'm gonna stand at the back of a church with you looking down the aisle and I want you to understand something at that moment I want you to remember what I'm saying do you know what I'm gonna say to you as you're growing up your mom is my queen you will never be my queen but you're my princess and so one day I'm gonna walk you down the aisle to become another man's Queen and I said between this day and that day I'm gonna do the best I can to the best of my ability I want to show you every day how a queen should be treated that is beautiful yeah I mean I hope every father is hearing what you're saying right now and to cherish that moment to wherever you're at what if your little daughter's 15 now or five pick up that purpose today yeah it's in on a first date yeah share that story thing this is my princess you're taken out right now you had a story in this chapter in ready to Wed which is a great curriculum by the way and this is aimed at churches primarily but couples can do it on their own but we would love for churches to pick this up and and again to help those couples in your congregation have the best chance at having a lifelong commitment to their marriage this kind of premarital counseling is what it's all about but you had a story in there about a dad who was at the moment and decided he didn't want to give his little girl away well he wouldn't answer me I mean that what happened yeah he goes I go who gives this woman to be married to this man it's what almost every pastor says with some variation and he was silent and I thought I tapped on the - is it rehearsal yeah this is the wedding day and what's funny is we practice it the day before so I don't know what happened I asked the second time and he just stared at me and I thought okay he's for klimt he's he's caught up in the moment let's give him a moment because I think one of the worst things a pastor can do is step on moments like just let those moments go and but the third time I asked him he said I go who gives this woman to be married to this man he responded with I will not give her and I went a little chilly he said but I will share her oh man and I looked over at the groom and I said I'm sorry but the wedding is over and you know he's got this look in his eyes like what what is going on how are we gonna manage that I just paused from him and you know me my big thing is I step on everything with humor so I tried to make a joke out of it but I mean the implication a statement for the next 10 to 20 years is what I wanted to address I I had to here you know that moment when you're sitting in the exit row and are you willing and able to perform the duties of the exit row you can't not write a verse they require that you say out loud and audible yes right and I have to hear that from the dad I go because I when a mom comes up to me a wedding and says I don't feel like I'm losing a daughter today I feel like I'm gaining a son I tell her the same thing every time nope you're losing a daughter it's time for you to back away well that that's the leaving lark about it that's completely right and logical but you also understand the heart of the mom was gonna be writing in but I can't leave everybody hanging how did you arrest that with that dad I just I did make a joke made light out of it but then I said I've got to get the audible I have got to hear right there right there yeah you finally say it he said her mother and I yeah he doesn't mother and I but I wanted to go on to a long did you follow up later like after the ceremony and say let me talk you through a little bit of what was going on well this may shock you but it found its way into the message of the ceremony oh the difference between giving and sharing I had to be I just like listen you know for you to to become one because I I'm this specific with guys yeah listen if you've called your mom everyday to share the highs and lows of your day for the last two or three years after work listen you you can't do that anymore part of leaving is this is now the new lady you come home to and share the highs and lows of weird days with I had a mom come up to me through premarital counseling him through what's in this book and all the examples of the leaving part we haven't even really talked about cleaning the leaving part and a mom came up to me at a wedding and said how dare you tell a son not to love his mother and I went well first of all would you ever hear that I don't care what pass you would never hear that out of a pastor's mouth I said I never told your son that here's part of the problem you weren't in that premarital session I told your son don't call you every day he couldn't do that anymore but she interpreted that as he's disconnected from me he doesn't love me and then you have to walk through all of that with no this is actually love this isn't hate but I need to press you on behalf of those moms that aren't they're not seeing it that way tell me why spiritually tell me why I shouldn't expect the same relationship with my son even if he has married or my daughter if she's married why can't I still have the same relationship so here's what I tell couples you need to separate physically so you need to move out if you're living with your mom and dad if you if you're still in the basement with starwars bed sheets we need you out of there okay it's time to get married you need to separate financially I hear couples all the time I want my parents to take our relationship seriously and not treat us like children well one way you can do that is don't call home for money anymore get a second job before you ask your parents to bail you out so you're separating physically financially you're separating emotionally the problem if if you have a tough day at work and you get in the car and your first person you're gonna call your mom not your wife that's a problem that's gonna prevent you from the second half of Genesis 2:24 the two becoming one yes listen the the the very definition of Genesis 2:24 the picture we have is the bond between a husband and a wife is to be stronger than the bond between a parent and a child period it has to be separate then you're separating emotionally you're separating relationally and and I tell couples if those don't work if you can't separate physically and financially and emotionally you and this one really gets me in trouble you may need to separate geographically yeah that'll help accomplish the other it will you may not be able to live two mile from your parents if they're stopping by all the time if they're wanting to catch up on your life you know daily these are the these are the boundaries that need to go in place if you're gonna truly leave because we're talking about leaving we're not talking about just moving we're talking about leaving that relationship to start a brand new relationship which is the cleaving part you're listening to Focus on the Family today our guest is pastor Ted Cunningham and we're talking about his contribution to the ready to Wed curriculum and book produced by Focus on the Family under Greg and Erin Smalley they head up our marriage effort here at Focus and they're doing a great job Ted let me ask you this some parents and they probably would be called those old fashioned they think having the family around them is a good thing sharing and having that high interaction is a good thing intergenerational living is something that more and more people are doing yeah is that healthy or unhealthy I mean in some ways are you describing a cultural norm of today that you leave and cleave and you separate in every way whereas man the in the old and new Testament families typically live together in the same community and shared duties and responsibilities there was a big difference though between yeah what we've experienced historically and biblically and traditionally and what we're experiencing now then you left your mom and dad's home and you went right into your new home yeah there's built during the pre wedding time and and so mom and dad would carve out an acre on the far end of their property and that's where you started your family well now you're leaving mom and dad and maybe spending five ten and in some cases fifteen years on your own right before you enter into a new home so that part is very different and you now have you built a relationship with your parent as an adult that didn't happen for most history and biblically speaking so now you have a husband and wife who have adult relationships with mom and dad and mom and dad were the go-to you know if you need something fixed at your apartment when you were 28 you called that well let me tell you well now you got a new guy whether he's handy or not dad's not the first go-to phone call again if you the goal is oneness and not in mesh mitten and having a family that's so tied together that's the common theme that's what you're really saying to becoming one flesh you have to cleave to each other let's move into that the cleaving portion the biblical definition of compatibility is specifically to becoming one and it's the last half of the verse because you can't have it without the leaving part if you don't leave well you can't cleave well if you if you aren't in a have healthy boundaries with your parents emotionally relationally financially it's gonna be very difficult to figure out how we're gonna do this together just the two of us isn't it interesting that the scripture of course written by the hand of God when you think about it the wisdom that is there that there's nothing new Under the Sun and that God Himself would say leave and cleave he would use those very words and in Hebrew to describe what a man and a woman need to do to become that one flesh to me that's fascinating well nothing new Under the Sun and if we're sticking you know if we don't like the word leave and I'm a mom or dad can think we're being too harsh with it it actually the word actually means to forsake hmm that's I think that's even stronger than leave you know moving out is one thing packing up my stuff and going into another home down the street or in a neighboring city is another thing but boy to actually say this relationship is completely changed now we're set the other side of that boundary when a parent maybe an elderly parent let's say the couple's in their 40s or 50s that Sandwich Generation yeah and mom's now living with you in the little apartment basement or whatever it might be how can you manage that moment in a healthy biblical way yeah I still think the priority of your marriage is what leads to that honor to know hey mom we're glad you here you're welcome to addition to our home we're still a united front you know though and I you know what I tell parents and grandparents again this idea of advocating for your child's marriage means you advocate for their marriage not just your child I think that's an important piece there sometimes we we pick our child or we pick one spouse advocate for both understand the marriage is important and it's the the cornerstone in that family and that home support that and I think it's one of the on the topic of leaving and cleaving and again going back to this idea that every marriage is a duet and need of great backup singers one of the best ways for a parent to be a backup singer to their adult child's marriage just to advocate for the marriage not just the child and I know the tendency when that child calls wanting to go at the husband or call go at the wife and and begins making all the statements the faster you can shut that down the better because you need to say I'm here for both of you not just one of you those who are absent are protected here on this phone call and in this room this has been really good and I want to thank you for sharing your great wisdom with us I mean I think pastors like physicians you have amazing insights because you're working with people and you're seeing them at both their strong moments and their weakest moments and we all can learn from those examples and the stories that you've shared today touch me in a way that it really invigorates me to continue to fight for marriage in a positive way let me ask you one more question encourage that young couple who are preparing for marriage they may even be a little scared yeah because they don't know that they're gonna be able to do it well and make it to the end why should they step away from their families and learn to rely on each other it's a scary moment the safety that's gone yeah too often in marriage ministry and preparing you for marriage we talk about skills but don't forget about voices and you need to you need to have voices in speaking into your marriage that you need to turn way up because you know you have plenty of voices that you need to turn down or mute all together that are that are not encouraging this and they're saying why you want to do this why do you want it why are you married to him I used by him why start now go live your life don't this is just gonna weigh you down you need to find voices and I obviously the pastor I'm going to tell you it's in the church fine community that you can have people regularly speaking into your marriage saying you got this said it's been great having you here thank you hey I'm John fuller and thanks for watching get more info about focus over here and more from our guests over there and be sure to subscribe to our channel as well

Channel: Focus on the Family

Views: 21,998

Rating: 4.8774776 out of 5

Keywords: focus, on, the, family, focus on the family, marriage, newly weds, advice, help, advice for newlyweds, parents, leaving your parents, leaving and cleaving, husbands, wives, spouses

Id: xF3s0h_ZIWA

Length: 26min 58sec (1618 seconds)

Published: Thu May 23 2019