Laughing and Joking (2013) FULL SHOW | Jimmy Carr

well let's crack on shall we good evening you well fantastic might be described as the hardest working man in comedy not that impressive is it the hardest working man in comedy that's like being the best looking guy in the burns unit no offence twenty burns victims were going are there only in if there's one that'd be fucking loads they tend to stick together and we're off someone came up to me outside of when I thought you'd be younger I said it was I'm 40 years of age but girls still checked me out I wouldn't mind but they're so bloody obvious about it pointing and whispering stranger danger every night after the show I have attractive women banging on my dressing room door and sometimes I let them out I don't need comedy groupies in here this evening any gag hangs any chuckle fuckers the only reason I ask is if any girls came up to me after the show looking for sex I'm gonna have to disappoint you I move we can AB set X just it will be quite disappointing I wouldn't lie to you if you like to earn a sausage up an alleyway for information that some of you wanted okay I'm a stand-up comedian a TV host and actor and a writer people ask me what's your secret I'm the m4 rapist it's a joke I've never been wrongly accused of rape we all like a large yes that's the one thing we've all got in common in this room we all like a laugh it's a very British thing I think to come out of an evening with the express intention of just having a laugh here's a great fact about this country the average person in Great Britain laughs out loud ten times a day not everyone obviously if you work in a hospice or with learning disabled adults it could be ten times that the limit yeah that's my laugh which is somebody someone said my life was weird my life isn't weird it's wrong cuz you're meant to laugh on an outbreak thought you meant to laugh on a ha ha ha ha ha ha I laugh on a Nimbus sounds like a goose being interfered with so allows me the other day is it's fake why would you fake that they say that laughter is the best medicine so maybe just maybe if we all keep laughing at people in wheelchairs I was did a show recently I don't know if anyone's had this experience I was at a show watching a band and standing just under the fire escape while watching a band play point on with a mate relaxing and a lady from the venue came up to us in the little waistcoat and the little name badge came up with excuse me gonna have to move because if there's a fire you're blocking the exit I said I'll tell you what love if there's a fire I'll move did you think I was gonna do in the event of a fire just stand there go in nobody move why is everything gone orangie and hot I don't like it Oh mobile phones off I should have said that at the top of the show mobile phones officer courtesy to the other patrons in the auditorium I say mobile phones what I mean there is phones no one's brought landline are they let's face facts the landline is dead when the landline goes in our house there's panic shit the bed who the fuck is that we're both here a lot of people text whilst driving I'm not excusing it but we've all done things we regret when we're drunk I saw a thing on the news it said that bad drivers are going to get on the spot hundred pound fines I thought it's a bit sexist did you understand that yes you did suji's Texas how could it be so my best friend's a slacks Oh if this sexist you could be the judge on this sorry for being rude but do you think chat up lines are sexist no they're not they're fun right then I know they're cheesy but they're meant to be cheesy that is their charm what's that one I like that one get your coat it's cold in the boot of my car I don't know if this ever happened to any of you I was checking into a hotel recently it's about one o'clock in the morning after a gig up in Manchester walked into the reception area and the guy recognized me what no mr. car we put you in a disabled room in a normal room and a disabled room and he said the disabled rooms got a walk-in shower I've got a question for your ladies gentlemen does anyone in this room believe in the supernatural ghosts and spirits and the like what allowed you it's actually easy to tell if your house is haunted it isn't [Music] but there's me being cynical but that's this job being a stand-up comedian I think makes you a bit of a cynic has anyone in here actually seen a ghost well cool what did you see madam tell us a story what did you see I'm not I make you nervous you've seen the undead [Music] doesn't really show me in a good line does it gone where were you when you saw the apparition you were in a friend's house right her stepfather was muttering I think I may have cracked this case already there's a stepfather involved was there ectoplasm girl what were you upstairs were you you ate his son's bedroom course you were loved he had died you should have mentioned that sooner and then you started seeing weird shit I'm loving this there's a special name for people that have seen ghosts schizophrenic all the best with your future quite an in-depth story I'll leave it at that stepfather did something terrible and you've recoded that memory and of course not all fat people are jolly some of them are women shouldn t mean fat girls got feelings mainly they're hungry Sonia joke is it's only a bit of fun I told it the other night of Gaga can walk down while waddled out I presume offended possibly just peckish whenever I'm in the changing rooms at the gym I'm always embarrassed by the fact my penis is so much bigger than everyone else's but then in fairness is erect Islamic fundamentalist sex dolls they blow themselves up in Palestinian passports under occupation do they just put Israel he's only there to test where the Guardian readers are sitting no further questions back to the knob gags I'd you talk about sex a lot in my show talk about sex all the time on Sage and a friend called me on it recently came to see the gay Kenny when you talk about sex all the time are you obsessed I said well I'm not obsessed but sex is the great Universal topic for comedy it's still quite taboo to talk about it openly in public everyone's interested everyone cranes forward and there's a lot of tension around sex and where you find that kind of tension that's also a great place to find laughter so sex is a great topic for comedy but it's difficult to stand in front of you good people and talk about sex without sounding crude so to try and mitigate that to try and alleviate that this evening if I refer to a vagina at any point I'll be calling it a twinkle cave so Dara was licking our twinkle cave while she deep-throated my tummy banana it's nice to be nice isn't it I saw a woman wearing a top it said super dry on the front I said if you thought about lubricants or HRT maybe a little bit of Ozzy charm are you familiar with the term Ozzy charm just means [Applause] Australian charm you're welcome very pleasing look from the ladies of London as if to say well I didn't know that had a name but yes there does happen my girlfriend bought t-shirt for 80 pounds that's a ridiculous amount to spend on a t-shirt all right it's a D and G on the front I suppose fair enough one of the tits is bigger than the other oh I thought my girlfriend was a slag when she told me I was a thirty-second lover and then I realized she was talking about time there is a minimum comprehension level you may be asked to leave my ideal woman would be a single mum once I'd finish with her the joke I pay for the abortion got you again a fucking wooden let's talk about something a little bit more seriously Carl I'll be slapstick abortion stuff I'm my first wife was from Thailand word don't cuz you'll feel bad so she quite a sad story my first wife was from Thailand and she died of testicular cancer probably the best way to describe is a twinkle cave was in our tea I saw a transvestite in a miniskirt I thought our shows a lot of balls let's hear from all the heterosexual men in the room can Gerald ad for sexual men I'm guessing from that expression come on which one heterosexual is I'm not taking the chance maybe this is how they recruit them the most annoying thing my sister does is that show chatty man that's the most annoying heckled I get gigs unlike you more people join in I like a bit of a heckle a bit of fun but the most annoying one I get is one I've set up a joke just about through the punch line and someone goes it's all invariably it's the same thing so it's worse erlan where's Olin it's not my like bete noire it's just a bit annoying where's Alan who's in your house fucking your dad [Applause] I think we all knew including him I think we all knew that was a trap I could feel you as one going hold oh and then one brave soul over there said no now I'm taking one for the team rather your daddy's of course not all gay people are happy camp and fun some of them are lesbians if you're a lesbian and you didn't find that funny you're surprising no one I've already lesbians in know my gaydar is pretty much honed in on this this pair down the hello how are you - you're right are you guide for a couple your marriage congratulations fabula town will you be married since October my god it's new and fresh have you even finished consummating the relationship you don't know when you finished do you that's one of the problems with your lifestyle choice well just put that on hold we'll be back in a minute what so you're married you're committed to each other well it's maybe a crazy question to ask you because you're in this long-term relationship and you love each other but what would it take to get you back on solids she's a definite no in your a maybe okay I love my job I take what I'm gonna do a test and see whether we've got any other sisters in the in the rooms if there's any other lesbian sisters like I'm a lesbian I've got the haircut come on I look like KD Lang I could go over there the only tests the heterosexuality of the other ladies in the room just a simple question to test this ladies have you read Fifty Shades of Grey you've all read that but you love that book I would describe Fifty Shades of Grey is the ultimate flick book it was the best-selling book last year what's the world coming to it was the best-selling book last year I can prove it last year wettest on record I think it's a very interesting book because although it's not a great piece of literature it's more gusset typing it's interesting because it's pornography for ladies that's what it is right I am in that book is in our houses isn't it Fifty Shades of Grey is in our house we've not even picked it up we're not looking at your pornography ladies we're not interested in your kind of pornography we're very happy with the service broadband is provided ladies consume pornography in a very different way to manner the genders are very different in our consumption probably here's a fact gentleman that will blow your minds about women's consumption of pornography women watch porn films to the end you know why to see if they get married well it's probably a good a time is any talk about how political correctness works in stand-up comedy because some people think it's a free-for-all you can say whatever you want on stage because of freedom of speech but it's not the case there are rules and regulations that govern what I do basically how political correctness works in stand-up comedy is if you're directly affected by something or involved in something you get a free pass you're allowed to joke about that thing so for example homosexual people can joke about being gay disabled people could joke about disability black or Asian people can joke about race those are the rules so these two pedophiles walk into a park child abuse there's a touchy subject I saw a headline in the paper it said please smash pedophile ring I thought good let's hear they fucking like it the only teachers in this evening is to show any teachers allowed to teaches in you were bloody hard on your teachers half the year five hours a day I'm not locking it I could never do what you people do for a living not because it's difficult I wouldn't pass the CRB check I've actually got a bit of a soft spot for teachers I used to go out with the teacher and she was lovely but if everyone wanted sex she always insisted to put my hand up first that is ruder than it first appears you're welcome have you got any special needs teachers in you teach especially oh there was a Wu over there what's your name Daniel very nice to have you in all I was gonna say about special needs teachers is you are the best and the brightest in my humble opinion the best and the brightest teachers good I can prove it we all know teachers socially yes have on those teachers and that teachers are always moaning on about Oh got homework to mark this evening not you hey Danielle you're not grading potato paintings are you fuck your evenings are your own Fair Play yeah he see the other teachers looking on fucking no I didn't think of her what sorry you used to teach at my school at Bernal grammar did you not when I was there surely know unless you moisturize Allah are you where are you from your from your from Belfast right Iran today I'll just say what you said to me back home your teaching over here then you in the witness relocation scheme on the fucker fucking grass watching what do you teach what subject what sorry English you could barely talk you pronounce I did countdown recently the TV show not directly the special needs brother Anika asked when I did countdown when did he count down a cast but by every man that I know everyone asked me how fit is that Rachel Riley off of countdown how attractive is she when you meet her and it wasn't like a rhetorical question they wanted me to answer and I thought well I should be able to say how attractive a work colleague and a friend is without sounding misogynistic without being sexist should not let me you be the judge Rachel Riley let me put it this way I would crawl over broken glass to suck the cock of the last man that fucked up I don't think that overstating it I like to fuck your brains out take ages now I should warn you there will be some audience participation this evening apologies and the only reason I mention a explicitly is because sometimes one hour someone a direct question they get a bit flustered I think it's because they used to see me on TV so then when I ask them a direct question they gave it the fuck is going on I didn't press the red bonus we're all fuckin interactive I got a guy wonderfully flushed to the other day front and center while you're sitting there and I've nowhere I went you married you're single you in single on the girl next to mine isn't how could you fuck there's a lovely little pause anyone I think I might be single now who see me live before gives a shout well you'll know every year my friend Chris does illustrations for me but jokes I write I think are a bit east to tarik they require a visual element to be fully enjoyed would you like to see them well good otherwise he'd be fucking gutted will be having some quiet time which would be shit well I'll show you some obviously what we'll kick off with some thoughts and ideas that I've had recently right so if you like looking at flowers but you can't be asked with gardening simply run down a kid outside your house come on believe you didn't think give it on bonfire night I hope our neighbors keep their pets locked up because there's something about fireworks that makes me really horny you don't get many homeless gay men which is a shame because they'd be fucking bums outside a nightclub recently and I discovered that women can be bouncers if you're traveling fast enough when you mount the pavement the thing I worry about when I hear kids in the third world are working 18 hours a day to make my trainers is when are they gonna get a chance to finish my fucking laptop I was in a hotel having breakfast and the waiter said to me he said you want white or brown toast I said Otto sues Brown your thing in a bread at any one time a bowl of nuts on a bar will have 17 different types of urine on them and that's why they're called peanuts Wayne Rooney where's the number 10 shirt or as he calls it the stick and the circle all the celebrities get plastic surgery these days Killeen Rooney's just had some work done on her asshole he's a tear transplant my friend reckons football violence and aggressive behavior are triggered by primitive tribal rivalries which are projected onto opposing teams and then expressed through exaggerated displays of loyalty but he's aligned goona twat so we can suck my fucking cock all that groaning and grunting in women's tennis it reminds me of sex in that I'm watching happen on screen mas masturbating to explain spot-fixing in cricket its what happens when something I don't understand is done by someone who never heard of in the middle of something I couldn't give a fuck about [Applause] spiders used to give me nightmares anyone else yeah so I've done is I've stopped eating them just before better of course the worst thing about being bitten by a poisonous spider is that you're probably Australian are there any Australians in welcome back I don't like Sue's I prefer to see lions tigers elephants and bears in their natural environment the circus it's anyone here afraid of clowns your fairy clan sir there's actually a special name for people that are afraid of clowns mummies little Bender's this may interest you though clowns have to register their facial design to make sure that other sex offenders don't use it dwarfs often get overlooked I can say that and look up to me and treat ourselves to another dwarf joke don't you wanna know about dwarves very low he's a random fact it's random but it's true one in 10 British kids is now conceived in an Ikea bed truth how it works is their parents into a flat pain to stop B and then screw until the nuts tighten in 2009 Nadya Suleman of California gave birth to octuplets two daughters and six sons earning her the nickname Octomom although she's also known as giganto snatch those babies will walk in before she falls I think the men in the room will be able to relate to this my girlfriend always wants sustain and watch Downton Abbey but I wanna go out and get a new girlfriend I thought it'd be okay for me to have sex with other women because my girlfriend and I were on a break but apparently I ruined that weekend at centre parks I was gonna tell you a story about the Pasha's place I have ever been I got invited last year to Clarence House where Charles are Camilla live in central London I've gone by two that I'm involved in this hospice Tara T because I'm such a fucking terrific guy not because that was press-ganged into it no no no maybe a little anyway I'm involved in this thing so Camilla is the patron of this great charity so she organized like drinks and a concert and dinner in her home to you know thank their corporate sponsors and to get more people to donate money raise a bit of money raise awareness that sort of thing in her home though she put on this event so we're all in her front room literally Charles Camilla's front room it's the most ornate Lahaie beautiful sort of ceilings and and they've got telly in accounting the corner like normal people might have but every square inch of mantelpiece and sharp and sideboard has got a beautiful object on it that they've been given by visiting dignitaries or they've picked up on their extensive travels of the world it's a very intimidating space to be in so we're all standing there having a drink and she's coming around saying hello to everyone and she gets to me and because I'm a dick as I feel we've established she gets to me and go so how are you involved and I went never mind about that have you seen cash in the Attic on a goldmine here and to her credit it's absolutely true she went yes winked and fucked off I did another weird royal thing last year I did that do bleed anyone see the Jubilee I did a lot of thing where I had to introduce Grace Jones in a who Loeb nice work if you can get it in order to do there I had to get past security at Buckingham Palace here's what it consisted of so I met an armed police officer he's only job is to guard our Queen to make sure that no one steals our Queen and uses her head to photocopy and make their own money and stamps on it so walked up to his armed police officer outside Buckingham Palace I said security he went yeah here's his question he said are you an al-qaeda I went no as you were I thought this guy seems fun so I asked him I said does anything funny ever happen when you're rolling with the Queen he said yeah I'll tell you this story has to be in confidence though I said you can trust me he is not a good judge of character I'm also a narc I don't know not be so sir so he told me the story he said the Queen and a whole entourage she travels with about 15 people they went up to Glasgow last year she was opening a drop-in center for homeless alcoholics of course in Glasgow where else would you fucking put it sorry much ground zero for homeless alcoholics it's their biggest export so the Queen's there and she's cutting through the ribbon like a fucking ninja and all the usual sighs there's the mayor there's the local dignitaries there's the chairman of the charity the people that work in the local office and they got a couple of the homeless guys the alcoholic homeless guys from Glasgow that the charity has helped in other locations suited and booted washed and brushed there to meet the Queen so that she could see the people that benefited from her kind works lovely so the Queen as we all know has only got one bit of schtick which is the question what do you do that's her only question she doesn't point like that that'd be mental but that's the only question what do you do that's it all she asks she said to a Scottish alcoholic homeless man what do you do and he came back rather epically only feel with same as you nothing apparently she was fucking terrified a friend of mine quite recently a couple of months ago got proper old school flashed dye in a Mac at dusk in a park one of those so how did that I don't you would though wouldn't you give it their cock slap you'd probably tree it to the windmill when you who yeah anyways you've got proper old school flashed and she shouted rape I thought don't give you my dears workshop are you fucking lunatic that's anyone in here being flashed door what what happened madam tell you have funny story or is it distressing in a club in a club that someone flashed you in the club are you sure you didn't Dolf with a man in the club I was kissing him I don't under he's if and then he flashed me dawn what happened tell me tell me the story middle of the dance floor and he was throwing some shapes and one of these was so to get rid of the guy your friend told him you were lesbians that's how these two snide but then they liked it so they stuck with it I did that I did that work she said we don't like cock so so it so someone flat someone got he's caca in the middle of the dolls for on a club and you had no no sorry we're lesbians you could've just told him to fuck off you're incredibly polite I'll make up an excuse so he doesn't feel bad I don't want the flasher to feel rejected all night see you then he has anyone else been flashed you got arrested for flashing well don't take it out on me what you mean you got arrested for flashing you go prepare this you have like bullshit to me get set the scene for us I've never met anyone that's flashed gone it's go for piss in a primary school in a car park okay in a car park outside you go for a piss court shorts late at night fine okay you went up against a tree turned out wasn't true was a fat girl go on so you walked up to a tree to take a pee in a carpet this doesn't sound terrible so far I'm on this guy side go on there was a woman in the trees so that you've broken dogging etiquette by pissing on someone so you want him to take a piss on a tree and there was a woman in the tree she's walking okay and it was outside a police station kind of a fucking idiot are you you he went for a piss in the police station car park why don't you just turn yourself in that's a cry for help if ever I heard one locked me up before I hurt someone and what did she scream did she come out what happened they came out and arrested you for indecent is it because you're a bit ginger do you think they would have let you off if you hadn't been quire's I'm sorry about these lights as well we could well be giving you skin cancer okay I think I'm on your side there if you're taking a piss that's not indecent exposure is it what do you think we're on this guy's side there's no stop pissing outside you crazy fool but because there was a woman in the other night with a story she said I got flashed and then she told me the story and I wasn't sure she said got four I said there's a new one big flash she went yeah I got flashed in Disneyland I said I'm all ears she said it was in Disneyland Florida I was walking in past the hotels in Disneyland and into the park and I looked up at one of the hotels and the car I was opening his bedroom curtains flashed me I said no he didn't you are a peeping tom my girlfriend wants a diamond ring and any reason I know that is it's pretty much all she fucking talks about let's face facts anyway my girlfriend's getting a diamond ring as if the vagazzler slips I don't really understand the vajazzle I mean I know what agile is I know I know it is they would point all the hair from your fufu and then they diamante it I say they I imagine you get some pretty sick and glitter and ever crack yourself have a sparkly crack yourself you're welcome I'm I just don't know who that's for I've never met a man who said to me off I love vaginas I worship it laws usually do sparkles when go miss I want a glamour puss a showbiz entrance has anyone had a vajazzle she had what do you want to you what motif did you go for madam you had a heart because you're embarrassed to ask for you were embarrassed to ask for something spectacular with someone putting glitter on your Fanny but you aim for anything embarrassing how adorable and was it for a special occasion or was it just you thought why not portfolio fucking reasons basic hygiene your boyfriend could chip a tooth but it was definitely a proper of the chancel not a Liverpool vajazzle which is just a euphemism for herpes there's anyone else come across the vajazzle he has no herds I hope I'm good what what what do they have you call a little bit it was you it was your stag do oh you can't remember anything sounds like a Liverpool for jazz ultimate no no what happened it is really itchy obviously I could never get jazzer because I don't have a vajayjay I would consider glitter balls you know for a special occasion oh speaking of special occasions there was a couple in a couple of weeks ago one of my gigs 35 years Mary's I got chatting to them Saul quite an incredible thing in this day and age got chatting to them I said what do you get her for the anniversary and he said deep fat fryer I said well what does she get you any went chips and they seemed thrilled with that arrangement Nogami chained to people about what is the worst gift you've ever got birthday anniversary Christmas Valentine's what is the worst piece of shit you ever got what war was that so a little bit louder no like what's fine a chair wouldn't what's your name what what sorry Toby Toby do you mind me sharing with the group thank you very much indeed Toby that makes it much easier cuz there's a heckler a good heckle funny heckle but we have to do a heck we'll put down now god I would love if I could just let it go but I can't rules but you don't mind me sharing with the groups that makes it much easier we can go old school what re stop stalling don't panic sir I've got this I'll have to put you on asshole waiter [Applause] Toby's mom is so fat she's a fucking disgrace Toby your mom is such a chunky monkey Bobble slob sati boom bah t blubber naught she's so fucking fat when she fell down the stairs I thought EastEnders had finished true story you sir what did you say what was it stop stalling yeah what what's your name are you trying to say Gary watch me Gary yeah yeah yeah the fuck is that well Gary if you want my come back you'll have to scrape it off your mum's teeth [Applause] worst gifts wasn't what's the worst gift what sorry you got a bread maker I your husband bought you a bread maker what a fucking asshole I just hate the whole concept cuz bread makers hello mayor berry spent like two hundred quid on a bread maker that's convenient isn't it cuz you don't live near shops and bread isn't fuckin cheap I'll just make my own that's fine because the ingredients cost more than a loaf of bread but don't worry about it so what did you get him instead of an engagement ring you you've got a bread maker instead of an engagement ring you broke up with him Ryan you've just divorced him [Applause] why did you go through with marrying him I mean that must have been fucking awkward in the office well this was a nice one sparkly hey you poor thing any other bad gifts you got won't bore water a dog pooper-scooper the air the dark at the time yes the fuck have you done with your dog dude why haven't you know you don't have him anymore Oh Toby's mum at him the fat bitch haha sorry dude any other bad gifts what what you get nothing Jesus listen to the bitterness there I think there are worse gifts than nothing so I'd like this at like women get bought Hoover's by their other half and it's not just it's not just a shit gift it's a bit of a dig at least something in the house has got some fucking suction well you said you wanted a bag in about that's got both your welcome there was a girl in the other day for a 21st birthday from her Nana noun as a mental anyway by her Nana bought her gift wrapped beautifully gift-wrapped an Argus catalogue with two pound coins sellotape to the front what the worst one I think a lot of people had learnt Secret Santa do you do Secret Santa at your work tonight nerves need to get something good for under a 510 I went out and bought a broad mustache trimmer she was livid no pleasing some people not like she didn't need it and be the best gift is obviously anal sex not for a secret santa thing that's a fucking disaster but no it is is they better to give them to receive and anal sex is the gift that keeps on giving unless it stops giving and which isit tears to much the worst one I think a lot of people bought gift vouchers who hears bought gift vouchers what what were you thinking you walked into a shop when excuse me I want to could you help me I've got some money here this is accepted everywhere could you fix it for me so it just works in this one shop for a limited time period I should explain it's a gift and I must fucking idiot it's a great feeling when you get a woman you've been chasing for miles I've known thousands of women in the biblical sense and by biblical sense I mean made-up women that don't really exist a lot of people just drift into relationships without really thinking about it we call those people men a lot of men say when they first get together with a woman they can't initially tell if it's the real thing but I can because I've got a special little indicator that sticks up come on in sit down what's your name Adam I like to sir what is it some sort of cystitis what's the matter what you do for living Alexa you do lots of things because I think I've seen a card advertising your services are you new in town good sir don't let me guess you're an aspiring presenter whoa well I'll say to you when I say to all aspiring presenters that I mean I'll have an Americano please [Applause] fucking love my job gentlemen do you remember what you were doing the first time you told a woman that you loved her I do I was lying so give you that look it worked I fucked her we went out for a drink the other night me my girlfriend we were chatting about what people actually think about when they're having sex no conversation I would recommend she said to me she said what kind of a man fantasized about his partners friends whilst he's actually having sex with his partner and I said promise you won't get mad what you think is the most important thing in a relationship gives a shout says how long have you been together with you want four years and sex is still the most important thing well you sir are a liar after two years I would give you after two years is fine but sex is the most important thing you're ripping each others clothes off it's fantastic after two years one star coming up on the inside coming up pretty fast Sky+ and any other thoughts most important thing in a relationship trust a lot of ladies saying trust any other crickets cooking cooking is the most important thing a you to tie from quantum leap if you just got here from 1970 cooking's the most important thing in a relationship have you ever become engaged by awarding someone a bread maker by any chance right they're not the weirdest answer the wittiest answer I had recently it was the most important thing in a relationship and of though when consent there was he coming up in Edinburgh I said most important thing in relation you prevent me terrified looking woman extreme gun any other thoughts lubricant well if you run out any other watery a puncture repair kit funny I like that deserve more come on any other what sorry love grow up who are you in a relationship with your my little pony heat and the other thoughts burst your bond thing laughter well I don't know about that I do think a sense of humor is what I look for in a woman because if a woman can see the funny side of life she's much less likely to press charges fee ry t know as you might think trust for me I think Trust is the most important thing in a relationship because if you're with a woman and you don't a hundred percent trust her how do you know she's not gonna tell your wife I do love it when a woman says those magic words that mean she's definitely up for sex that night this drink tastes funny I'm joking you can't taste it I'm not approved you'd agree with that wouldn't you I'm not prudish here's the thing I don't like swearing during sex who wants to hear that kind of language especially from a child all the look you gave me there you prefer a sweary kid fair enough I have thing happened to me recently a little embarrassing I've got caught I didn't think this could happen when you're a grown-up I got caught masturbating by my girlfriend what do you say sorry I woke you you've got sleep in your eye I dunno about you by done like celebrities better only famous because of who their parents are like Calum best and peaches geldof and Jesus I heard a reporter on Sky News say at least one person killed in suicide bomb attack obviously is the bare minimum you need to qualify it was something about burning a copy of the Koran in Afghanistan I was watching it thinking I would never burn a copy of the Koran because I've got Kindle just delete it don't fuck about I'm not worried about Islamic suicide bombers they can only do it once so Hindus suicide bomber that is more of a threat because of the reincarnation you're wrong I was gonna talk to you about terrorist threat levels in this country because our government have picked the weirdest words for our terrorist threat levels you know sometimes they announce them at the end of the news the weather the pollen count and then the terrorist threat level for no reason at all and it's words that I don't understand so at the moment the terrorist threat level in this country is substantial I asked a police officer what am I meant to do with substantial he said watch yourself I said well I'm not involved John the highest terrorist threat level is how's this for a creepy word imminent the fuck am I meant to do with imminent I imagine clenched never been near a bomb when it's gone off by imagine now take the edge off wouldn't it and we all know that isn't in the highest terrorist threat level the highest terrorist threat level as we all know is I don't care if this does look racist I'm getting off the bus a massive rucksack and he doesn't need to be saying these prayers and I'm fuckin doing one where middle-class guilt is overtaken by fear you know you're in trouble of course with these jokes I can face the wrath of Islam which I've always thought sounds like a shit pub where we go in Wrath of Islam ah for fuck's sake there's no booze there's no fruit machine there's no pork scratchings yeah but women can get stoned sometimes doing this job you feel very exposed not what I'm doing jokes but when I'm doing an observational bit of comedy you feel like if no one can relate to this I'm gonna feel a fool so do you share with me if you've had a similar experience it's always embarrassing when you get an erection during a prostate exam and they realize hang on you're not a real doctor joke's on her she doesn't even got a prostate hope I got any teenage girls in gives charity no chance but I realize that is a critic uestion the teenage girl the reason asked I already think recently it said that 90% of teenage girls are sexually active bullshit a lot of them just lie there you know my real dad I have to get asked by young guys young men after the show often ask me can you laugh a woman in Tibet the short answer yes obviously she's too young for you if you happen to say peekaboo but yeah laugh alone in Tibet the tough bit comes 20 minutes later when you're trying to laugh her into a taxi home I don't know make a big deal of this but I recently adopted a newborn African child he was just seven pounds plus posted your packing they put holes in that box and that is the joke interestingly that Richard Curtis said was a bit much for the comic relief have you all been on that first foreign holiday abroad let the first foreign holiday you went on without your parents everyone being on that holiday they've not been on that holiday yet oh my a few of you you've got a lot to look forward to it's an amazing trip tends to be all the guys go away together all the girls go away together somewhere hot in Europe that's cheap that year we went away five of us that went all the way through school together we just got a raid level results run away for two weeks in fowler aki it was awesome Sun C sexist and that's what we're looking for that's what we found it was an amazing life-affirming wonderful holiday we're in those two weeks I had sex with 12 different people I'm not bragging I was gang-raped still it didn't let us form a trip if there's a fight I let my fists do the talking please don't hurt me I went to a fairly posh single sex school by never really fitted in I think it's partly because I'm male partly because of a 35 when they caught me my granddad always used to insist on standing up whenever a woman entered the room which is ultimately what led to him losing his disability living allowance I was up in North London I saw a guy in the high street with a guide dog and a white stick and went up to him I went you must be blind he said tell me something I don't know I said there's a tree over there don't be a dick about it you never forget you first especially if they're gone unusual name our Kayla there's something I don't understand about a woman's g-spot I can't quite put my finger on it I can drive a woman father let's hit home there's touched a nerve so to speak no very apt and I can drive a woman wild with my tongue would you would you like me to demonstrate ok pay attention on the actually is happening here young men drive a woman wild with your tongue have you palm wait anal sex is overrated it's fucking shit that's like buggery I tried it with my girlfriend she was bored to tears zip it on the scanner get it got it let's move along we've been together now for 12 years me and my girlfriend so to keep things fresh in the bedroom we do a little bit of roleplay she pretends to be a nurse and I pretend I'm still attracted to her that's divided the rumors it those people thought that was funny and then there are unattractive women some girls might have the lights off for sex to happen they're like all the lights to be out before they have sex and they've got a name they're called fugly munters I've never complained about that joke I've never had a woman come up to me after the show don't excuse me I'm a fugly Munter you think I feel hungry now that couples think of his show I've got a theory about sex in long-term relationships so the received wisdom is it's men that instigate sex within a long-term relationship it's the man that says should we go upstairs for a bit slap and tickle better how's your father bit of sticky belly whatever you call it in your houses the man that asks I think that is misogynistic bullshit that's like saying the man's got no sex drive and the woman is just passive I reckon it's about 50/50 in most relationships the reason you don't notice while moving ours for sex is because when women ask for sex it happens we've got the expression getting lucky because we're rolling the dice ladies if your woman says to you joining up says oh fuck yep it doesn't matter what else is going on you could be full of flu you could have just received devastating news you could have just been shot in the leg by her job just fuck yes I do but sometimes gentlemen you'll know this sometimes in a long-term relation you'll you'll suggest becoming amorous with your partner you'll suggest having sex and she'll say no and then she will give you some kind of mercurial strange reason as to why sex could not occur at that moment in time and you would like to respond you'd like to argue back but you can't think of anything because you can't think at all because all the blood is somewhere else so I thought well why don't we take advantage of the situation we find ourselves in why don't we workshop it what reasons have you heard gentlemen not to have sex and we'll come up with a response what have you heard headache tired okay let's deal with those in order headache easy if all this is not I've got a headache just say I'm gonna be right at the other end I could not be further away problem also I'm gonna fuck you we're not doing Sudoku you're not gonna need your wits about tired tired is tired is like the modern equivalent of headache and I think genuinely if a woman says you know I kind of says I'm tired what you've got to do you got to listen obviously you've got to acknowledge it's not enough just to listen she's got to know that you've heard and then make a suggestion that's my advice anyway don't demand anything for a woman make a suggestion so force a lot of can't have sex I'm tired I'd say of course you're tired I hear you you've got the kids you've got the house you've got work you must be exhausted so why don't you and it's just a suggestion but Wally don't you do you normally do and just fucking lider you lazy fucking cow any other excuses for not pregnant she's too young it's a long-term relationship you're in right a lot really kind of says I'm too young yeah and yet then what was that one pregnant are you trying to nudge it towards a three-way that clearly yes I don't alarm anyone but we've got a pirate in the house hoist the mainsail she's dead she's dead and yet you're still hearing a boy saying no that isn't her that your conscience you monster don't have any other any other excuses for 90 cent your cocks too big try fucking a grown up [Applause] any other sorry could you just repeat what you said that she's on the blog how nicely put sir I think I think a lesser man might have said menstruation or her time of the month or maybe period even Arsenal are playing at home or the red devil in her belly a hon bricks for you one with the much more genteel on the blob some aplomb and chain I think in all seriousness if a woman says like I can't have sex I've got my period I would say well your asses and bleeding is it yet [Applause] give me a moment to work my magic diverse womanhood recently someone that someone's headed for you nice gig in Cambridge I said many reasons for not having sex with in a long-term relationship that you've heard from woman and a woman one morning Fanny should morning Fanny when I heard Georgia I don't know what that is it's morning Fanny and she said you know morning breath it's downstairs Oh water funny you know [Laughter] I'm telling these rather bawdy jokes but actually quite a sensitive kind of guy quite metrosexual remember the first time I got together with my girlfriend 12 years ago now first time we had sex first time we hooked up I cried I don't know whether it was the physical act or the emotion of it or the pepper spray but I teared up people do weird shit sexually shall we should we talk about some of the way shit people do Toronto files if you're not familiar with the term Toronto files are people that find the very elderly sexually attractive and I've ever mouthful isn't it your auntie ball I prefer to call them OAP DOS granny Fannie where's the harm 50 shades of gray very different thing for them years ago this woman introduced handcuffs into a sexual relationship when she called the police I said I'll come quietly if you strangle yourself during sex it's called auto-erotic asphyxiation if you do it to someone else it's called a serious sexual assault a fluffy Genaro fluffy is a fluffy is when you're having sex with a woman and sorry scratch that and when you're having sex with a woman when you're making love to a lady and as you make love to that beautiful lady a fluffy is when she farts on your balls chocolate things couple of quick things firstly really that's happening enough that we needed a special term for that and secondly how do you ask for that not that I would want that to happen but when you find out that's your thing how do you ask for attack because presumably no one asked for that the first time it happened that was a happy accident he was working away and one slip down and he thought that's not an unpleasant sensation but then it's very difficult to ask for that to happen again howdy 34 to come across is mr. Darcy the king of romance when saying to the woman in life would you mind later on wouldn't we make love farting on my balls be much easier take her out for Indian food and hope for the best has anyone in here ever walked in on people having sex what did you walk in on sir your parents what kind of walk on a special hug was mummy doing my daddy what did you actually see when you walked in what what was you dad up to and I mean he's balls presumably back did you did you get an eyeful so obviously know about happy offer you'd have to think that was premeditated if you walked in Lee was ha this is gonna be brilliant you saw your parents because I presume you followed the class I get to get up walk in on people having sex which you walk in I see oh you okay straight to therapy is anyone else walking on people having sex Go what you walking on sir I don't know why that's back that so much works cuz if it was your son I think we would all go get go on son call my son but with your daughter you can't walk in a gone laughs oh you fucking loving that that's my little girl I mean hopefully it was a guy you were proved to have was he a guy you approved off he say next year I hope you were baby etiquette you walk in your walk out straight away there's certain things that people do sexually though that could not be a response are we all familiar with the rusty trombone so sexual practice whereby a lady is kissing a guy's ass I don't mean that metaphorically I mean that in a far more literal and rimy type sense and as that's going on she's also administering a handjob so there's this movement and the pursed lips when you can see how they got a rusty trombone I've got no problem with the name per se my question is if you walked in on people doing that what would your response be you sure got a question for the ladies all women I know I've got a very clear line on one side of the line things they're happy confident comfortable and enjoy doing sexually with a loving partner on the other side of the line things they've been asked to do that they've said no what would like to know ladies is what have you been asked to do that you've said no I don't mean like reverse Park or wash up what where do you draw the line is really why I'm asking what have you been asked to do that you said no you look confused did you not realize you could turn shit down you're just hearing him how thick you draw the line at anal what sorry yeah totally but but on his birthday yeah man up lady that's where you draw the line okay any advance on that any other weirder things a threesome what kind of threesome was it madam was it was it two guys and you or a proper one what kind of threesome order to two women I think see I think now on the surface that sounds misogynistic doesn't it sound he's gone only two women to satisfy me because I'm such a man I don't think that's what it's about I think he was thinking to you he didn't think it wouldn't be lovely if after lovemaking she had someone to talk to bikini you not sure I know any others any advance on this egging what sorry I'm not sure if I'm this hearing or you can't talk it's tough what are you saying Peggy Peggy the fuck is Peggy isn't I just running what's pegging [Applause] chiming foreplay and she and she wouldn't do that so what approved plunky what up water Blum key [Applause] [Music] phone numbers taken she just said it's when you give a guy a blowjob while he's having a shit and sorry madam a guy asked you to do that you know what though I admire that guy because that's what made this country great that's what made civilization great daring to dream there's an optimistic man Oh mother shit I've had loads of shits pretty boring it what about this whole area is free at what point in the relationship did he ask for that the AIDS [Applause] [Music] not a bad way to end a relationship things aren't going well you're not going on I'll see if she was sucking me off while I'm having a shit did you see if she says yes I think she loves you any any other any other weirdness the reason I've asked that question a few times now is because it's my favorite better show because I know that there are women out there who are currently having pressure applied to their legs by the men in their lives they remain oh they're going I just wanted to fucking try it shut up the weirdest one I heard about recently from an audience member was a Simba you heard of a Simba you know a Simba Simba is from The Lion King I believe it's when you're with a beautiful lady you're making sweet love to her and you finish on her chest fine not be disrespectful some might think but fine and you take Simba bringing a little disney magic to the bedroom I'm not sure my girlfriend would appreciate a sim but I think I think I could just do it on my own I think the next time I think the next time I'm at home and I've got broadband in a bit of time to myself I think I might try and finish there Simba I've got a tip for the ladies or if you like I could put the whole thing in there's a sure one to unload the secret to the perfect handjob use your mouth I [Applause] left my last girlfriend cuz she got really fat I'm pregnant there's always an excuse breastfeeding in public does that annoy anyone else annoys me the baby's head gets in the way cause he a fucking Kenya now no one likes having their parenting technique criticized but would you agree with me that seven is too old to be in a pram would you agree with that yeah would you have said anything because I said as much it's a wheelchair is it who's got kids give a shout who hasn't got kids when Sarafian which is weird because we're not trying to get anyone to join our gang people with kids never stop going on about it especially when you're my age people kids join us you look tired who's gonna take care of you medical professionals I've got to go now I've got to have 12 hours sleep [Music] of course the pill revolutionized the way that women control their bodies before it's invention up or Nana's had to take it up the wrong or face falling down the stairs in a hot bath drunk on June with the coat hanger chasing my best friend's wife is is having a baby and I asked him I said what you want a boy or a girl they thought about it he said I wanted a blowjob really more than four I like in a blow job off the missus I don't know if you get this I don't know if you get a blowjob off my missus but the thing I like about oral sex on my part I think the thing most men enjoy about oral sex from our partners not anything sexual ladies it's the peace and quiet ladies if you've ever been going down on a guy and he's gone ah that's not your technique that's not the sound of his sexual ecstasy that is the sound of a man not being asked to question I would think about adoption I don't have kids but if I had kids I think I would have them adopted people criticized Madonna but the kid she adopted fairtrade are we gonna dieting did we share all the dads did you cry the birth of your first child all very few of you omitting it what the guys are embarrassed by the fact they cry to the birth of their first child I think is because they don't quite know why they cried there's different theories some people think is the biological bond with the child that you meet for the first time but I can't be it you only mean it for the first time it's not like the mother that's been carrying inside and that's more of a biological thing with the guy no some people think men cry at the birth their first child because the gift that's been bestowed on them by the woman in their life that would make them tear up no I think the real reason most men cry at the birth of their first child is because they see what the logits done to the missus no she's got a Janus [Applause] if my grandmother knew how much I spent on her funeral she would be spinning in her ditch when I was a kid I didn't want to imagine my parents having sex so I'd watch them from the wardrobe concludes it gay Agra phobics ever come out how can you possibly explain the concept of death to a young child well you need a hammer and a hamster he's not going to live on a farm as he's all over the fucking shop it always feels so much better when you have a wank with a dead arm but apparently I ruin that funeral [Applause] I remember in the playground my dad's harder than your dad it's not really the issue the issue is both our dads have erections in a playground researchers have created a contraceptive pill that deactivates sperm before it reaches the womb my girlfriend's got something similar called stomach acid 10% of women have cried in a shop changing room I guess they weren't expecting to see me there here's an interesting fact the reason Morris Dancers we're pals is so blind people know they're cunts too they say a problem shared is a problem halved didn't really work with AIDS did it [Music] you know you can get aids from a toilet seat bone if you sit down before the last guys go up my girlfriend asked me recently she said what's happened to your sex drive I said I burned her and smashed it with a hammer I was worried the police were getting a hold of it humans and dolphins are the only mammals that have sex for pleasure but dog will do it for a biscuit [Applause] [Music] if you suffocate in a bag for life you'd be fucking livid wouldn't you the irony did kill you um I've recently read great expectations and it wasn't as good as I thought was gonna be I can do a brilliant Michael Jackson impersonation would you would you like to see it I just need a young volunteer that can keep a secret you know those human statues you get in the middle of town you know the ones painted silver and gold stone Stockstill and then if you give them like 50 people you walk past they move their hand like a fraction actually works out cheaper if you're gonna go past them every day just to buy a Taser I had a thing happen in the high street the other day you know the charity muggers you know the ones with the clipboard and the optimism in the in the high street I dodged to the cunts and the third one got me with what I consider to be an unfair tactic the backwoods Walken talks I hadn't stopped I hadn't made eye contact and she told me her sad story she trotted along backwards and the wording was just perfect for me she said you know how often people die from AIDS I said I'm not an expert but I'm guessing just the once I saw an extraordinary anti-aids thing recently I was in Johannesburg last year doing some gigs and I saw in China's burg this charity had printed a leaflet with everything you need to know about HIV and AIDS because there's a lot of myths about AIDS in South Africa so it print up this leaflet and because they raised more money than they needed they decided to attach a condom to every leaflet good idea so they stapled a condom genuinely true the Everest of aqua tree-sweet the 930 South Africans in well there's quite a few whites weird the linguistic differences you notice when you travel like like in this country when you say I'm not racist what you tend to mean is I'm not a racist in South Africa means they're about to say something fucking racist is this racist to Chinese people have guess who I tried that joke for the first time in a tiny little 50 seater theater above a pub and there was a Chinese lady front and center and she laughed enough that she's not bent forward and it looked like I'd gone no genuinely where's my life did the gun I like to think of myself as an equal opportunity offender I like to think I offend everyone and therefore no one because it's kind of a blanket bombing approach to offense it's like I'm not picking on any group and also I'm not really making any points am i I'm just trying to make you laugh for a couple of hours that's my only job in this world I'm not trying to make any points or change anyone's mind about anything and the best defense of a joke is always it's just a joke there's only joking relax we're just trying to make you giggle when you try and say something that's true earnestly from the heart that's when it can fuck up much more spectacularly in your face I've got a story about this you wanna hear about PC blowing up in a friend's face so this mate of mine it's quite a long story which is unusual for me but it's a doozy you'll enjoy this mate of mine runs a comedy club okay at a university he's in his mid 60's now he's been running it since the early 80s it's a legendary Club anyway runs this thing he's quite a writer on kinda guy if there's a petition to sign he's signing it and forwarding the email to me if there's a March to go on he's on the March very right on political involved kind of guy anyway he runs this comedy club this incident happened about 12 years ago he decided to put on a night of American stand-up comedy to happen to be three American stand-ups in London the same weekend ok so he decided well instead they're just booking one of them are booked all three of them will make it like a themed evening like the fourth of July will get hot dogs and Budweiser and what-have-you would be fun so everyone comes to the evening there's like 300 people in the club and he's all excited about it the first that goes up on stage he's a black American stand-up out of New York City and he does what I would refer to as an Uncle Tom routine if you're not familiar with the terminology that means he did a racist routine all his jokes were based on negative racist stereotypes he got away with it he was a very charismatic performer he was very handsome but the material was it was terrible means like at best it was a white guys Drive like there's some black guys drive like this nonsense ill observed nonsense at worst it was stuff that would make your skin crawl okay he totally got away with it that night he got a big round of applause at the end of about half an hour set and he walked back to the green room at the club and my mate went in after him and he went up to him and he said I want a word you'll get paid for tonight's gig there's no problem with that but you would not be welcome back at my club telling those kind of jokes I think it's racist I think it's wrong I don't think it's okay for you to tell racist jokes just cuz you're a black guy I think if anything you should know better I think it denigrates the struggle of the African American people and you can never say that no one's told you so because I'm telling you so right now it's racist and it's wrong and the comedian when I agree when you're right you're right but I'm the other black comic I haven't been on yet sorry Jimmy company what you did you come out [Applause] and couple of quick things sometimes if I buy a girl a drink after the show she gets the wrong idea she thinks I'm just a nice guy behind her drink no no no who's going out after this who's going out tonight loads of you well I've got nothing but admiration I mean well done but I can't wait to get home to bed I've had a lovely night I've really enjoyed talking to you but I want to get to sleep now I'll I've got to an age where I talk about sleep like I used to talk about sex you should have seen me last night I was activate Elvis eiderdown sheets blackout blinds the fucking lot but small in the snooze button did not know what fucking hit it well let's break out some rough stuff it's that time of the evening tell you a couple of jokes that Channel four told me were not acceptable okay it's the week of the tsunami remember the tsunami all I wanted to say was the tsunami was terrible Tokyo was covered in raw fish and seaweed a situation the mayor described as delicious could be more secure I said Duras I didn't because that would have been raising laces I had a similar thing with hurricane sandy you remember hurricane sandy that devastated the eastern seaboard of America all I wanted to say was it was the worst thing to hit New York since those two planes possibly they got it right on that one trouble with the papers for a joke once a year obviously last year I went rogue by Tennant get trouble for a joke with a journalist once a year last year the joke that got me into trouble with the journalist was this one you probably remember it from the last show why they called sunshine variety coaches we'll all the kids on board look the same varieties doing a lot of the heavy lifting in that joke right there's not that bad the journalists in question said you can't say that about retarded children time out cuz variety the children's charity they do great work they do last up with mentally disadvantaged children but I also do a lot of stuff with physically disadvantaged children and socially disadvantaged children you can't lump all those kids together a go bunch of retarded kids you can't call anyone retarded kids you're a journalist you should know better and also being offended on behalf of someone else in my mind is that dree Farkle that's just you taking the high moral ground for you to be offended I think minimum you have to be the one that's offended so if you're genuinely offended by that last joke you're retarded [Applause] while we're talking about charitable stuff as you leave this evening there's going to be a bucket collection there's people with buckets and tins and I'll just briefly tell you what it's about we're collecting money this evening for abused children and if we raise between us just 500 pounds we can buy their silence that's clearly a joke right the reason I say that's clearly a joke is because I did a gig in Croydon a couple of months ago and a woman genuinely came up to me onto the show and went where are those collection tents just don't pick that for a second so no only did she not realize that was a joke she wanted to help is anyone totally unoffending by anything I've said you told me on offended by anything what what's your name sir Hamdi it's not news your name you don't hear that every day I imagine you do it you fucking name me what you do hand me your shooting what're you studying economics whereabouts Royal Holloway well maybe if it worked a little bit harder for your a-levels just say it Royal Holloway is not I mean come on there are universities that have always been universities they were universities that used to be polytechnics that then became universities and then there's Royal Holloway which I think used to be a 24-hour Garage fucking work with it got love yeah right let me try an Avenger all right when I was at school mate in mind got caught wanking in the showers nothing well it ruined the school trip to Auschwitz it's not gonna get any more offenses than that dude to talk about the worst thing that has ever happened I can tell you're more offensive joke than that but I can't tell you a story about me that will change your mind about me and then change it right back George on hear it well it concerns it's it's basically telling you about what it's like being famous what it's like is people ask you to do things and it's nice to say yes cuz normally it's fun stuff you want to be on top gear yes I do you want to do it you believe yes I do you want to come and visit a hospice it's palliative care for teenagers yes I do I got that call about six years ago I said yeah I'll go I didn't know what some of those words men sounds alright teenagers I imagine that would be fun now it transpires palliative translates to dying and I found myself in a situation where I went well I've got a girl said I'll go and thinking this is gonna be shit this is gonna be fucking shit if I said oh go so go so I went there with very low expectations I thought I'm gonna I'll be lucky to get through this without tearing up I went there he's genuinely I'm gonna come believe what a fucking asshole I am because it was genuinely inspirational it was brilliant to go if you get a chance to visit a hospice go to a hospice they're amazing cuz I don't know what inspires you but I like that idea of carpe diem living in the moment now being where happiness is and if you meet life limited teenagers they're having that because they're aware of how precious time is and I think we often forget in our day-to-day lives so it was amazing to go and to be around to be back many times since and I'd recommend it as the thing to do it's really fun they don't worry shut away there will no apart society the thing that blew me away when I went there was an incident so if I go out to get coffee before the show if I go to Starbucks obviously my coffee shop of choice [Music] but if I go out to get coffee before the show right there's a group of fifteen-year-old girls in the coffee shop they'll be really flirty with me not because I'm some super attractive dude but because I'm a celebrity and there's a cachet to celebrity in our society for better for worse there just is it's a fact so I'm used to that kind of flirting in that context I wasn't expecting it within the context of palliative care for teenagers in a hospice there's a girl in there she just turned 15 pretty little thing and she's a massive comedy fan and yet all the DVDs seen everything on YouTube like really into her and she was really flirty and really tactile and I thought what all she wanted was a kiss and I thought well where's the harm she's gonna be dead before she can testify I can see you think that's bad I can make that worse we're just two words it's true story is the true story just happens to be about a different Jimmy [Applause] thank you so much for coming out as we say five right final thought if only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of AIDS

Channel: Jimmy Carr

Views: 2,683,439

Rating: 4.7972016 out of 5

Keywords: jimmy carr, jimmy carr stand up, jimmy carr insults, jimmy carr heckle, jimmy carr funniest moments, jimmy carr comedy, jimmy car comedy special, your face or mine, jimmy carr laugh, 8 out of 10 cats, jimmy carr full show, jimmy carr full stand up, jimmy carr netflix special, jimmy carr netflix, jimmy carr dvd, jimmy carr comedy special, jimmy carr laughing and joking, jimmy carr standup

Id: 4pCGLT65uMU

Length: 90min 26sec (5426 seconds)

Published: Tue Jun 18 2019

Reddit Comments

[u/Paper_Kosmonaut]

thanks!

[u/rabidnz]

Who did the disappointing sex bit first? Jimmy or Gary Delaney?