Jim Gaffigan: “You Can Look But No Touchy” – Stand-Up Compilation

I got to do some International shows this year I performed in Japan for the first time which was amazing I mean I wasn't in Japan just for standup I was also modeling I wish that wasn't that funny but Japan the Japanese are just they're they're better at being human can we admit that they're you know they're more polite they're better at design the Japanese toilet are you familiar with the Japanese toilet the Japanese took the most disgusting experience of human existence and fixed it the Japanese toilet washes you dries you does your taxes and that is in a Tokyo Airport bathroom you leave a Japanese public restroom cleaner than when you walked in you leave an American public restroom with PTSD it is good to be here in New York I love love this city I uh it's a great City I have lived here 10 years I am originally from Indiana and uh I know what most of you are thinking Indiana Mafia but the fact of the matter is where I grew up there was something very similar to the mafia 4H you didn't mess there's different kind of Pride where I'm from you know it's not like we're from New York we're tough or we're from Texas we like things big it's more like we're from Indiana and we're going to move getting out of here it's been a crazy year for me crazy year I don't know if you know in April it was discovered my wife had a brain tumor I'm not even making this up it was removed she's great everything's good thank you thank I didn't remove it I I was in the other room soiling myself but the tumor is gone along with my ability to ever win another argument it's not like I was winning a lot before but now I'm retired and luckily my wife's not the type to bring it up well once she did she was like you know I did have brain surgery and I couldn't be like yeah that was like a month ago it's time to move on you know what about my seasonal allergies we all have our cross to bear it was crazy you know the surgeon told me the tumor was the size of a pear which is scary but also confusing I was like did he go to med school or a farmers market but tumors are often compared to fruit a pear a lemon a grapefruit interesting fact worst tumor grapefruit worst fruit grapefruit when you think think about it grapefruit looks more like a tumor than a fruit I almost feel sorry for grapefruit yeah we can't win yeah we're already the worst fruit now we're compared to the worst tumor well at least we help old people poop that is the worst impression of a grapefruit ever people with glasses here I trust people with glasses don't you it's like well ask Kim he's got glasses but if you're wearing your glasses like this get away from them did you ever take directions from some that looks like this where you got to go uh 44 Street well why don't we take my spaceship yeah I have to pick up Santa Claus anyway the only advantage of wearing glasses is you can do that dramatic removal you ever see that my God holy mother of God I can't see a thing I am absolutely blind without these it's probably why I wear them you ever notice when people are thinking in movies they're always chewing on the end of their glasses if we give the alien a cold you know what they're really thinking this tastes like Wax I mean sharing a meal with someone that's intimacy that's why it was called The Last Supper and not the last meeting you know Jesus was trying to get 12 other guys together you know there had to be food there you know like you know Jesus like tomorrow night I want to get everyone together you know there was one Apostle like is there going to be food there yes there'll be food are we talking appetizers or Onre it'll be a supper so casual I could wear a robe are you going to wear a robe I'll wear a robe if you wear a robe Jesus he was in good shape right Jesus was in amazing shape especially considering he could multiply bread whenever he wanted just like boom pretzel bread you know the Bible doesn't really specify what type of bread it was imagine it was pretzel bread right like boom pretzel bread boom garlic knots like if right now I'm multiply garlic knots up here you guys will be like maybe he is God I know religion jokes make some people uncomfortable especially the ones going to hell you ever get a phone call that's annoying right you better you better be calling to tell me your hands are chopped off it's like I just wanted to hear your voice Daddy buy my CD right I'm mostly healthy I uh worked out today I know I don't need to uh when I'm home in New York City I work out at the Chinatown YMCA and I realize when people hear the Chinatown YMCA they think oh that's not like a serious place to work out and it's not it's not at all it's mostly little kids learning how to swim and really old Chinese people with their parents I didn't even know you could live to that age but I tell you watching a 90-year-old on an elliptical really inspires me to die in my 70s it looks like a machine is eating someone's Grandma but I love my why you know it's it's different from a normal Health Club there's never moments when you think oh my gosh look at how much weight that guy's lifting it's more like oh my gosh that guy's smoking on a treadmill and dress pants it's very business casual sure my why doesn't have some of the amenities but it also doesn't have the normal Health Club distractions I don't have to deal with loud music or people that are in shape I walk around my why and I'm like you know what I'm doing okay maybe I should teach a class hi welcome to Advanced elliptical doesn't matter if we don't have workout clothes on we're not going to be raising our heart rate so let's step on pick a show and think about what we're going to eat okay who's having a burger huh let's practice eating fries I'm ignored at my why I'm ignored at all health clubs like when I walk into a fitness area even in a hotel people always look at me like I didn't know they serve food here the only people that approach me are are personal trainers they're like you looking for a personal trainer uh no you should be so I've gotten to the point if I'm approached by a personal trainer I just act like they're hitting on me they're like hey how you doing I'm married I don't think you understand I understand perfectly you want to get with me but I'm taken so you can look but no touching I love watching movies I uh you ever Ren a movie that was released a while go and you enjoy it but there's kind of that awkwardness cuz you can't talk about it with anyone like hey I just saw heat heat I saw that six years ago H I want to talk about it now no loser you ever talk about a movie with someone that read the book they're always so condesending ah the book was much better than the movie oh really what I enjoyed about the movie No reading it only took two hours and then I could take a nap I'm too lazy you ever read an article and at the bottom it says continued on page six I'm like not for me I'm done you why don't you stop bossing me around then I finally get to page six I can't even remember what I was reading you ever read the ending to a different article Al Gore is running from a waterfall you ever read a book that changed your life me neither I don't have the attentions but every now and then I'll read a book I'll be so proud of myself I'll try and squeeze it into conversation people hey Jim how you doing I read a book 250 Pages that's great what was it about no idea took me 2 years you ever buy a book and not read it you feel almost guilty having it on a bookshelf don't people were like hey how is that book I haven't read it did you just buy it I've had it since high school well can I borrow it no I do enjoy traveling to other countries seeing how different but essentially similar we all are like like the UK is not that different from the US you know if anything you go over there and it seems like British people are trying to be different from Americans they're like oh you drive on the right side of the road then then we're going to drive on the left side of the road oh you call your mother mom then we're going to call ours mom oh you call that a cookie then we're not going to the dentist I know that's [Applause] cheap I did notice something when I was over there you know British people they don't say the before Hospital you ever notice that they're like hospital I was feeling knocked so I went to hospital whenever they would do that I'd say stop that that's wrong and weird are you trying to sound like a polite caveman and I had a friend from London he was like what makes you think you're doing it properly and I go cuz I'm American and we invented the English language it was a pet peeve of mine so I did some research you know why British people don't say the before hospital cuz they're dicks yeah I know that sounds harsh but admit it British people always talk to Americans like we just walked into their jewelry store with two full bags of garbage may I help you are you lost obviously I love the Breads and I would never do those jokes there I have been lucky enough to perform in the UK a couple times and one time I was walking through Picadilly circus which for the record is a horrible circus there's no animals no I was walking through padil circus and I saw they had an &m store and I looked at that Eminem store and I just made me think of all the things the British have given the Americans like our language Shakespeare the Magna Carta and I looked at the Eminem store and I thought now we're even when I looked at the M&M store I wasn't even embarrassed to be American I was ashamed to be human cuz has anyone at any point in their life thought when are they going to open an M&M store sure I can buy M&Ms absolutely anywhere but I like to buy in bulk in a proin [Music] environment [Music] he

Channel: Comedy Central Stand-Up

Views: 154,083

Keywords: stand up, comedy central stand up featuring, stand up comedy, comedy central stand up, comedy, comedians, funny, funny video, comedy videos, jokes, funny jokes, funny clips, laugh, humor, best comedy, best stand up, compilation, jim Gaffigan, Japan, toilets, tumors, cancer, doctors, grapefruit, gyms, YMCA, glasses, Jesus, the last supper, Indiana, movies, british, england, jim gaffigan stand up, jim gaffigan hot pockets, jim gaffigan dark pale, jim gaffigan mcdonalds, jim gaffigan camping

Id: xVCa4M1DrpU

Length: 13min 4sec (784 seconds)

Published: Sun Oct 08 2023