Translator: Haeyoung Na
Reviewer: Robert Tucker Hi, so our world today is a far more
sexually permissive place than it used to be 50 years ago. These days, for most people,
premarital sex is okay, oral sex is okay. In this post-"50 Shades of Grey" era,
even kinky sex is okay. But we're still very conflicted
as a society and as individuals over whether it's acceptable
and healthy to have casual sex; sex outside the confines
of long-term, romantic relationships. We are constantly surrounded by it, yet we are often told it's bad for us,
we shouldn't be doing it. By the time we are 25, 70% of us
will have hooked up at least once, and yet most of us will worry
we shouldn't really be doing it. But there's something
that doesn't make sense here to me about this love-hate relationship
we have with casual sex. We all seem to agree
that sex with a romantic partner has all these amazing benefits, from longer and healthier lives, to better relationships
and greater happiness. So, how come that same sexual activity has the exact opposite effect if our partner is a stranger or a friend? Is sex somehow good for us only because of the love and commitment
we feel for our partners? And without that love and commitment, it automatically turns
into a destructive force? Isn't there something good
in just, you know, sex? When I started my PhD
in Developmental Psychology, I decided to get to the bottom of this. Is casual sex objectively bad for us? Or is this just another grossly
over-exaggerated moral sex panic that the US has had no shortage of? In the 10 years since,
we've learned a great deal about casual sex
from social science research - my own and that of other scholars - but virtually 90% of that knowledge
is based on US undergrads. And trust me, you are not
the only people hooking up. (Laughter) So to supplement our knowledge
and understanding of this phenomenon, I started this website,
called "The Casual Sex Project." It's an online space for people
of all demographic backgrounds to share their true stories of hook ups. My hope was to give people
a chance to tell their stories, make sense of their experiences
through this process of storytelling, but also, to paint
a more diverse, richer picture of what casual sex really looks like; what it means to people, what it
feels like, what its aftermath may be. In the 10 months
since the website's been up, it's been viewed over six million times. Over 1200 stories have been shared
by people from all over the world, and it's been written about
on six continents. So what have all these stories and studies
taught us about casual sex and well-being? Well, here are a few things
that you may not have been aware of. First of all, casual sex
has many potential benefits. Perhaps the most obvious one
is sexual pleasure. Orgasms, hedonic ecstasy, if you will. Then there are things
like learning new sexual skills, making new friends, (Laughter) it's a good one. An increased sense of self-confidence, accomplishment, desirability, empowerment, freedom. Then there are collecting
fun stories and memories to tell your friends at the
senior citizens' home, many years later, or share on the casual sex project. There's even experiencing
that deep, emotional, spiritual, intellectual connection
with another human being that sometimes happens even though
no romantic feelings are involved. But casual sex has yet another
powerful pull on us. As Esther Perel so eloquently puts it, humans have this fundamental
need for adventure, novelty, mystery, risk, danger, the unknown, the unexpected. Some more than others,
but it's there in our DNA. And that is a need that casual sex
satisfies effortlessly by its very nature, and it's a need that's much
more difficult, if not impossible, to meet in the long-term part
of long-term relationships. Now, there are of course risks: unsatisfying sex, broken hearts, ruined friendships, regret, coercion, confusion, awkwardness, STI's and unwanted pregnancies, social stigma, disrespectful partners. Now, people fear that most of the time
these cons outweigh the pros. But that is simply not true. Study after study finds this pattern for how people feel
following their hook ups. For both men and women alike,
positive post-hook-up reactions - happy, pleased, excited - are much stronger than
negative hook up reactions; used, empty, disappointed. Other studies show that casual sex
has little to no impact on longer-term psychological well-being. Things like self-esteem,
life satisfaction, depression, anxiety. Now, of course, this doesn't mean
that all hook ups follow this pattern, or that this pattern is typical
of everybody who hooks up, and that no one's well-being
is ever affected. No, these are just averages. When you look more closely
at the people and the experiences making up these averages, you find that some hook ups
do indeed have the potential to harm or benefit well-being. And some people are more
susceptible to that potential. So whether casual sex
is good for you or not depends on who you are and how you do it. There are many factors
this relationship can depend on, and I couldn't possibly cover
all of them in one 18 minute talk. But one critical one is "authenticity." Doing only the kinds of things
that are fully in line with who you are; your beliefs, your values,
your desires, your needs. Casual sex is not for everyone. Nothing sexual ever is, really. Due to differences in nature,
nurture, and life circumstances, some of us have a much stronger
general need for sexual novelty, and much greater comfort having sex
with people we don't know very well. So figure out where you are
on this spectrum. Is hooking up with people
you're not dating something that sounds enjoyable, exciting, an important experience to have? Morally acceptable to you? Would you be hooking up with this person even if you are never
going to see them afterwards? If the answer to most of these is "no,"
you shouldn't really be doing it. Now, there's a bit
of an elephant in the room when we talk about pleasure
in heterosexual casual sex: the orgasm gap between men and women. In a study of over 20,000 undergrads, 80% of men had an orgasm
during their most recent hook up. (Laughter) This was true of only 40% of women. Now, there's an orgasm gap
in romantic encounters too, but it's twice as large in hook ups. This doesn't mean that women
aren't enjoying it necessarily. In this same study, 90% of the women
said they enjoyed their hook up very much, or at least somewhat. Most of them enjoyed it
very much, about 70+%. But we can all do better. (Laughter) I mean, this gap needs closing. Women need to learn to be more selfish,
demand their sexual pleasure. And men need to learn to be more giving,
try harder to please their partners, even in the briefest of one night stands. You know, casual sex doesn't have
to be devoid of all intimacy and passion. It's not like you're doing laundry
or picking up your mail. Try to give and get as much
sexual pleasure out of every hook up. That's the whole point. One major factor that keeps people
from engaging in casual sex to begin with is the social stigma attached to it. This dreaded reputation is unfortunately much more constraining
of women's behavior than it is of men's. But here's an interesting thing. People do indeed say they don't want to be friends or spouses
with promiscuous others. But more promiscuous college students
of both sexes actually report having more friends
and feeling less lonely than their less promiscuous peers. So, if casual sex is going to be
a part of your life, yes, there will be people
who will judge you. But you can surround yourself
with people who won't. Now, an unfortunate reality of hook ups,
especially college hook ups, is how often they are driven by alcohol. When researchers asked freshmen women to track all their sexual encounters
over one academic year, this is what they found. The less known the partner was,
the more likely alcohol was involved. You can't see it unfortunately
at the end over there, but when it was a stranger,
90% of all hook ups involved drinking. 63% involved heavy drinking,
four or more drinks. Then you may look at this
and be like, "Yeah, so what?" But it's not, "So what." This is really unfortunate. Because judgment impaired
due to alcohol or drugs is the number one reason
for unwanted hook ups, hook ups you regret the next day. A couple of drinks to set the mood
or for liquid courage is one thing, But getting smashed? That makes you do things
you didn't want to do with people you didn't
want to do them with, it diminishes your physiological ability
to enjoy sex or perform sexually, it inhibits your psychological ability
to set boundaries and express desires, it weakens your determination
to use condoms, it makes you more sexually aggressive
or more vulnerable to sexual aggression, and it also just blurs your memories, and I mean, don't you want to remember it? If you need to be drunk to be hooking up,
you should not be hooking up at all. Now, sexual desire and romantic love are two distinct psychological
and physiological systems that evolved for two different
evolutionary purposes: making babies versus staying together
long enough for those babies to survive. But the two systems are not independent. Sex can set in motion a cascade
of neurochemical processes in the brain that lead to love. Neurotransmitters released during sex - oxytocin, vasopressin, dopamine - they make you bond to your partner
even if you didn't want that to happen. And the more you have
sex with that person, the stronger that bond grows. Then, when those bonds get broken,
as they often do in casual relationships, it hurts. Now, some people are luckier; their brains are wired in a way
that they don't get attached very easily. But you can also fight
this involuntary infatuation with reason. Not every person who gives you great
orgasms and treats you well afterwards would make a great long-term partner. You know, go down
your relationship checklist and find all those red flags
of incompatibility. Then, resist the urge
to text them 20 times a day, (Laughter) or start naming your kids
and planning your life together as soon as they leave your house. Keep yourself busy. Have a rotation of partners, perhaps. Works for you all. (Laughter) Finally, casual sex
is not just for single people. Remember that novelty and adventure thing
I talked about in the beginning? Well, many people in long-term
relationships also crave novelty, sometimes much more so than single people. Some try to suppress those needs
and hope they go away; others cheat and hope
their partners don't find out. But an increasing number of people,
about 4-5% at our current best estimate, are starting to incorporate casual sex into their long-term, loving,
committed relationships in an open and honest way, in a consensually, non-monogamous way. If this is something
that might interest you, there is a growing movement of ethical
or responsible non-monogamy out there that you might want to explore, starting with this awesome book
called "The Ethical Slut." All said and done, there's nothing inherently wrong
or inherently unhealthy about wanting casual sex
or having it often. Casual sex can be a source
of mental and physical suffering. But it can also be an amazing experience that enriches your life
and brings great happiness. Now, unlike with romantic encounters, with hook ups you are taking a risk. And sometimes you get rewarded,
and sometimes you don't. There's no way you can
control all the factors, but there is a lot you can do to maximize your chances
of getting rewarded. Take responsibility for your experience. You know, communicate clearly your likes,
dislikes, limitations, expectations. Give an enthusiastic "yes"
to the things you want, and a firm "no"
to the things you don't want. This kind of sexual
assertiveness is important no matter the partner type. But it's absolutely paramount
with casual partners because they're definitely not psychic, they probably don't
know you well, or at all, and sometimes they don't care much
about your safety or pleasure. So you need to help your partners
treat you the way you want to be treated. And whatever you do, please
use condoms, and do not get wasted. Of course, mistakes happen. Learn from them, and move on. You know, remember the old saying:
"Practice makes perfect." Studies actually show that the older
you get, and the more you do it, the more skilled you become at navigating
these challenges of casual sex. So, it gets better. And not just for the gay kids. Thank you. (Applause)
