Better Intimacy For Her, Better Sex For Him & Vice Versa | Amy Color | TEDxStanleyPark

[Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] when it comes to intimacy issues we all need support I'm here to help like the first time I talked to Kevin and Jackie and I asked how often are you guys connecting Kevin said hardly ever only Saturdays Jackie said Oh constantly every Saturday it may look like they're issues about sex but it's actually about intimacy lack of intimacy is the most common reason for relationship breakdown it's the loss of intimacy that has partners become like roommates and as that distance grows they might look for connection elsewhere shut down altogether or take up late-night rendezvous with Ben and Jerry [Music] relationship and sexual dissatisfaction can show up as destructive behaviors in people's lives rage depression over shopping it doesn't matter whether you're doing it once a week once a year or once a day without intimacy people feel lonely isolated in shame like they're in a sexless relationship even when they are getting some because sex and intimacy are not the same thing in to me see is when you feel safe to open up and show yourself fully is what makes you feel the love connection even when you're not physically together it's the heart and home the foundation of your relationship Kevin and Jackie used to look forward to making love but life happened and now instead of making love they make excuses they've got a 3-step sex strategy get in get off get out it's a chore because something's missing intimacy and the thought of talking about us feels like it's gonna bring up more issues so they're walking on eggshells and they argue about can you please take out the trash instead she's exhausted he's taken up watching porn so how do you increase intimacy and have more relationship and sexual satisfaction good communication is important therapy is great but just talking doesn't really address your sex life you need to bypass the trash argument triggers drop resentment and get back into a physical connection where you can lean into each other knowing everything's gonna be okay Jackie's an elegant executive with a to-do list and legs a mile long the thought of sitting in an office with a therapist and just talking saying I don't like the way he touches me we drive her nuts hurt his feelings and certainly not help them and a big guy like Kevin he doesn't want to talk about feelings at all he talks business emotional language is not for him he wants to fix it and get back in the game [Music] intimacy connection and sex can't just be talked about they need to be experienced I'm going to share some tools that foster intimacy without using the f-word feelings you know how when you're about to eat a delicious chocolate you slow down and mmm-hmm the sound and your salivary glands cue your whole body for memorable delicious pleasure sounds good before you even taste it I've discovered that that simple sensual sound mm-hmm can also dramatically increase intimacy connection and delicious sexual pleasure when you make this sound together your breathing brainwaves and heart beats synchronize by matching frequencies you've tuned in and turned on the mmm station it's that oh yes sound vibrating through your nervous system up your spine to your brain creating a physical state change which is the definition of the word mood do you want to get in the mood [Applause] for something even better than chocolate mm-hmm is the sound of intimacy let's get in the mood together shall we yeah I invite you to put your palm on your chest and you'll feel your chest vibrate as we inhale and exhale mm-hmm three times are you ready inhale again [Music] could you feel it so Kajaki who was happy to make this sound women usually are Kevin on the other hand couldn't feel it much at first but he understood change her mind and her body will follow so when she's wound up he takes her in a hero hold by merely wrapping her in his arms and doing nothing else he's her Superman she feels safe to drop her defenses her lists and unwinds his touch just the way she likes it present firm keeping his hands still they and they sway kevin is beaming they're in their own little world in a matter of a few breaths this quick simple hero hold can lead to a delicious kiss replacing their former greeting one calling it a hero hold instead of a hug eliminates emotional triggers and gives clear instructions knowing that they both weren't talking makes them feel safe and builds their bodies communication trust and bond which are the very foundation of physical and emotional intimacy Jackie also understood the Kevin like many people responds to a sense of purpose so will you please take out the trash became will you please take out the trash for me and she responds to feeling loved so he says I love it when you smile and make lasagna she used to complain that a hug from him meant that he was gonna start grinding on her and say wanna do it [Applause] for her the grind meant its penis time and it wasn't about them it also triggered memories of unwanted sexual advances from her past and Kevin complains that she never initiated so now they set out an empty candy dish and when one of them wants a little sugar they put a candy in the dish when the other agrees they put in a candy two chocolates mean one of them mmm-hmm jellybeans let's do that thing she can have a lollipop if I get licorice yeah that's right you know who's initiating now right this allows them to wordlessly negotiate their intimate gameplay and it makes their foreplay last all day and so you know anticipation is the best aphrodisiac she's ready for more but Kevin's having a hard time staying in the game this is a common side effect of over-pouring the difference between porn and reality is porn is fantasy entertainment that you watch and masturbate to with a hand and reality is a full-body contact sport multi-sensory contact you got to get your head in the game imagine you've been watching football on TV at home alone in the dark a lot and and suddenly tried playing on a field with a team right yeah might not go as expected either and it makes sense that he got used to watching as his way of finishing and that's why sometimes he'd check out and go searching his brain for the scenario that would take him over the edge instead of staying with the delicious pleasure softness of skin on skin and dimples and jiggles people enjoy it all feels good and if he checks out she lovingly put the hand on his chest and mmhmm wordlessly brings him back to connection without shame or breaking the mood too often varieties only thought of as multiple partners allow variety to include all of your tools imagination tongues fingers and toys stay curious about what gives you pleasure and you'll never get bored let's rename sex pleasure because too often people equate sex with penetration and orgasm is the goal orgasm is a climax of what your sexual pleasure and believe it or not it doesn't require an erection some of the best sex a woman's ever going to have has nothing to do with a hard-on and I can prove it in one word lesbians [Applause] a rectal challenges affect 40% of men in their 40s 50% of men in their 50s and the height report on female sexuality found that hardly any women orgasm from penetration anyways so men please stop being so hard on yourselves [Applause] if that's the only tool you've got in your toolbox you're already going into the job half-cocked [Applause] I want every man and woman to know that even with an unpredictable tool you've got everything you need to get the job done well be an amazing lover and have a delicious intimate sex life can I get mm-hmm that's right I want Kevin and Jackie and all of you to feel sexually confident are you ready what makes a great lover is your ability to read your partner's pleasure and what makes a great partner is your ability to express your pleasure to your lover when you begin your intimate encounter with the sound mm-hmm you're leveling the playing field by speaking the same language finally as Kevin says we're good I know when she's happy we argue less it's easier to get over things when you're in a winning streak he feels supported grounded and apparently he's a much nicer husband father boss and friend they're happy with their connection they do that here Oh hold every day twice on Saturday and because she feels so safe with him she's been able to release her trauma her lists they're having fun they're candies getting eaten their toolbox is filled with curiosity rechargeable tools a Superman cape and a Wonder Woman last sue for whatever's right for them because when you feel this secure and your intimate connection you can ago she ate anything as partners in pleasure or partners in crime it created the home base the connection that they were both longing for and the world's a nicer place when you're satisfied better intimacy for her better sex for him and vice versa care for yourselves in each other explore pleasure in whatever way is right for you bring it on like chocolate and make your world a more delicious place can I get it [Music] [Applause]

Channel: TEDx Talks

Views: 762,153

Rating: 4.8581929 out of 5

Keywords: TEDxTalks, English, Social Science, Communication, Connection, Love, Men, Passion, Psychology, Relationships, Self-help, Sex, Sound

Id: UkQ6FBltdYU

Length: 17min 40sec (1060 seconds)

Published: Thu Apr 05 2018