Inside the Mind of the Emotional Abuser

hi everybody Dr glassmoyer um one of the questions that I received this week has to came from a woman who's really struggling for whether to stay in her marriage or whether to leave and the question that keeps coming up for her over and over and over again is does he know he's doing this I mean what what's going on why would he hurt me this way so today we're going to delve a little bit into the inner world of the toxic person the high conflict person perhaps the narcissistic person but the the partner in the toxic relationship who has no intention engaging in any behaviors that are going to make this better so for this guy the world is his oyster life is a power game every single interaction is about winning or losing manipulating other people to get what he needs and wants and he does this in a variety of ways usually outside the home he comes across as gregarious kind of this great guy very successful inside the home he drops that and you've you've experienced that whole side of it I'm quite sure if you're taking the time to watch this video so for him anything that is negative at all about him he has blind spots about he doesn't want to look at it he doesn't want to hear it he almost really can't hear it and so anything that is going on with him he projects onto you if he has been unfaithful either physically or emotionally hours and hours on the phone with other women he'll accuse you of being unfaithful to him he'll raise all sorts of crazy accusations and leave your head spinning You're simply trying to figure it out and work on the relationship and this guy's chatting it up on the phone and accusing you of doing the same thing one woman even told me one morning um her alarm went off in the morning as it always does really early about six on her iPhone and she reached over and shut it off got up went about her day the end of a very long work day when she came home she was home just a couple minutes and her husband is asking her who's Adam she's like who's Adam I don't know Adam yes you know Adam Adam called you this morning and you know you flipped that phone over so fast and you thought I didn't see he went on and on and on this went on between this couple for an hour and a half she pulled up phone records she reminded him that if if there was an Adam that she knew she didn't that it would certainly show up in her contacts in order for the name to appear on the screen he accused her of deleting it all things that he had done over and over throughout the course of the relationship she had not so she engaged in what she thought was going to be a productive conversation about the fact that she had nothing to hide more than willing to show him phone records to listen to his concerns but it wasn't about that this guy didn't want to see the phone records he didn't want her to be able to have a reasonable conversation about this and it was all about his power over her and the conversation ended much to her dismay with we'll take a look at this later we'll talk about this later a tactic that's commonly used by this type of guy so remember problems don't get resolved and this is what beats you down over time you are still the mutual kind of person the person who wants the give and take in the relationship the one who's willing to take a look at herself and so constantly you're doing that in an environment that is increasingly more and more toxic so for him the world is black and white There's No Gray in every human interaction there's a winner and a loser so guess what he will do anything and everything in his power to make sure that he went he'll lie he'll divert change the subject put up a wall give you the silent treatment storm out of the room flip it over on you and say you think this is normal to question me like this how dare you do this so again this toxicity that is just like this rolling snowball going down the the side of the Hill getting bigger and bigger and bigger and you're trying harder and harder and harder to fix what cannot be fixed so more about him does he does he know he's doing it yeah and he Prides himself on being able to manipulate people he brags about how many times he's been pulled over by police oftentimes under the influence and never gotten a ticket because he's the schmoozer and if you think back to the beginning of your relationship likely this guy courted you like no other that courting was more about him than you if you were to prey he was going to catch you and keep you and once he's got you the environment in the home changes changes really fast a lot of women report that even though living with a guy for a long time seemingly pretty healthy relationship the day they got married it all changed well the day that they got married she became a part of him he no longer had any reason to try to schmooze her he had her okay so oftentimes you see these types of guys just sort of dismissing the woman that they worked so hard to win over in the beginning and suddenly the attention the affection the admiration that he receives from her isn't enough no matter ladies no matter how much you give how much you love him how much you sacrifice friends family career time energy no matter how much it will never be enough this guy has an insatiable need for admiration affection attention and he goes through life doing whatever he can to get that now a lot of times women will say well why would he want to keep me around you are his stability you are his strength he was attracted to you because you are kind and loving and caring and you fed that part of him that is so empty feeding it in hopes that whatever hurts were there that you could heal that you could have him know that when you married him you married him for life you were committed to him but guess what it's not about you and it's not how much you try and it's not um how even well you do it that it's about an insatiable pathological need that this type of guy has so if you get inside his head inside his heart it's not a happy place and he convinces the world that it is and he convinces the world that he's so successful and so amazing and I've heard this guy this type of guy before talk about how Invincible he is and believe it so whether in any given interaction he was aware how much he was hurting you if he was aware at all it was on the head level not the Heart level this type of guy is all about himself and has an inability to put himself in someone else's shoes not and I'm not talking intellectually put himself in somebody's shoes I'm talking emotionally allowing himself to really feel what the other person feels he can't do this so the the closest he's going to come to actually feeling something is when there's a threat that he's going to lose you oftentimes you'll see these guys just go to pieces crying shaking begging pleading I'll do anything to keep you and then give it a week and he's right back to his old ways this is not always the case there are a group of guys with this personality Dynamic who just leave women just boom no warning never look back so whether you are victimized in that way or you are victimized by a guy who is schmoozing you over and over and over and drawing you back into this very toxic relationship that quite frankly will be your undoing either way this guy has no ability to empathize with how it is for you and when you try to explain to him how much you're hurting you probably heard him say you know I don't need to listen to this why are you attacking me like this as though sharing your feelings I feel sad is an attack on another person everything is perceived that way by him so don't spend too much time wondering you know what's going on inside him the fact of the matter is that the dynamic of this relationship has hurt you and is continuing to hurt you and even if you have left it is likely hurting you for a time while you heal from it so have compassion for yourself have compassion for the other people in your life who love you and probably miss you very much because this man has taken more of you your time your emotions every aspect of you than he was ever entitled to take so ladies it's time to shift the compassion to you it's time to start taking care of you step back get a plan reach out for support and people from people who know from people who can help you oftentimes women in these situations are so beat down that they talk about the problem over and over and over to the point that friends are just like good God enough is enough why don't you just leave well we know why because he has beat you down to the point that your self-esteem is suffering that you are confused that you don't know if it's him or you all of this is true so you absolutely positively need to get support so I hope that helps with that question of does he know does he know he's hurting me um what's his perspective on all this hope it helps remember I'm here to help I've been where you are and I know what you're going through so have a great Saturday and I'll look forward to seeing you next week

Channel: Dr. Denise Dart

Views: 230,020

Keywords: narcissistic, Emotional abuse, Toxic relationship, recnepsnedwob, Does he know he's hurting me?, leahcim, drdenisedart, drglassmoyer, emotional manipulation, emotional abuse, Am I with a narcissist, psychological manipulation, narcissistic abuse, verbal abuse, narcissistic abuse recovery, narcissistic abuse cycle, verbal abuse in marriage, narcissistic personality disorder

Id: dtUym9YUpU0

Length: 11min 51sec (711 seconds)

Published: Sun Jun 12 2016