In Memory of...

[Music] [Music] every day uh my grandma would tell me your mom's not coming back she doesn't love you and when my dad would come home at dinner time I had to say that my mom didn't love me and she wasn't coming back and I refused to say it so I had to go to bed without dinner and I would get a spanking we did this for about 2 years uh not obviously not a good alliance to have she never did come back so I don't know what was worse like the the screaming for her in my head or the silence when I forgot she existed cuz Silence has a sound too and how old are you now uh 23 23 and you got a black eye yeah how'd you get the black eyy um a date um I asked him to go get some more crack and he just took off on me um I'm a clone so people control me um being sober and being in recovery are two different things I just want to put that out there and I'm in recovery I'm I'm here to make action and do the things that I can do to stay sober for the rest of my life when I when I decided to go ahead and do it it was more of a statement that I was making and that I needed to make at the time cuz I was trying to establish myself but my dad stopped raising me when I was um I was able to tell tell on on him you know for molesting me and um raping and molesting me from the age of uh 9 to 15 and I was finally able to tell somebody I I end up getting pregnant so oh with your dad yeah wow so I have a child by my father yeah I'm like miserable all the time and I'm trying to get myself to go back to rehab cuz my kids are getting older now the other two are 13 and 15 but I stand behind everything that I tell you I'm not a buster I'm not a m I'm not a [ __ ] I'm a soldier that stands on the front line of this [ __ ] and I like I said again ain't afraid of nothing you can send your best buddy at me he can be King Kong son I'll take his ass home and if he whoop me at least I know I took him home I've been living life the maximum uh bum status just not that I don't give a [ __ ] but I'm absolutely not wasting any effort on any anything until it's time in Memphis Tennessee old I was like I was one year old I was One S when he died right and my mother she died when I was like I was in the uh fifth grade I was going on I've been in the hospital and my cancers getting worse what kind of cancer do you have again stomach cancer and brain cancer I got a tumor in my brain and four in my stomach it gave me less than 6 months now it's been about four so I got four months left so I'm on one side of the street and I hear a voice yelling at me you're in my territory get out of here and I look across the street and I see a guy a little shorter than me so he starts walking towards me I walk towards him he says to me this is my territory you need to get out of here I'll bust your head and I look up at the street sign and I said I don't see your name what's your name and he says Splat TR I said I don't see your name in that street sign and I'll be back here tomorrow he said well when I come back tomorrow I'm busting your head I said I'll be back I made my own choices it's hard being out here they going in people's tent they molested 3 weeks ago they molested a 16-year-old little boy finally somebody called by the time the police got there when they bought that baby out of that ttin he was Bloody from head to toe they looked at that camera men so many guys went in that tent and molested this little boy and they call theyself gang members in stuff how' you get around you you guys had cars back then oh we had a horse uh we had a horse and Slayer and uh I travel through the mountain from boring Detroit down mider for through the mountain I just want to [ __ ] [ __ ] up you know I just want to get drunk and high and just [ __ ] [ __ ] up first time I went to jail was a robbery was gang bang at the time um young 15 years old R Jewish on the same night got a nice little of money back then $7,000 was a lot of money I know um not me man I'm more of a of a lover and a fighter but I I like to love man you know some people just some females don't know what that really means like or they did but then got so abused that it's like now it's like it's hard for them to trust and to love I'm hoping that I can switch all that around you know so I don't know because I don't I'm not one who makes a ho do anything she does it because she wants to you know I've had several plenty of hoes C me chosen I want to I want I want I want to be down with you you know [ __ ] it's a choosing feet that come with me you talking to me [ __ ] I don't see no bread in my hand I get over that recruiting officer and told him I was 17 years old how old were you actually he said huh how old were you actually 13 I was 13 but but you have to be 17 before you get in the United States Army and uh that recruiting offic said Mr Wilson you look very very young he said I don't believe you are 17 years old you know I said yes my mother do you stay in an RV uh no I actually uh uh um I uh I hold down a lodge u a dark Lodge I like to call it it's a sort of a um Masonic uh what do you call it unorthodox Masonic Innovation uh I keep an outside Lodge a Red Lodge I believe it's supporting The Establishment and keep it an eye on things from the outside you know what I mean and and making sure that you know like a you know I believe in our economy and in our establishment is this a tent that you're in uh yeah I stay in a tent or outside you know it's usually my and I was going to jail for like robbery grand theft and it was like I was going to spend my whole life like in jail if I kept going down that like type of path so I decided easier path with easier money and that's it they'll pop up in any vacant lot you see sure I'm sure I've seen any other that's a marshmallow so basically you just got a bag of lawn clippings all right and you know you somehow I broke myself free before they could stab me there's these concrete steps that go from the front door to this gravel driveway and I jumped and they were running right behind me and they jumped as well and the guy dropped the knife yes I was married four kids two boys two girls which I haven't unfortunately I haven't been in touched with in some years now they're grown all of them are grown I got uh three kids by my wife and one kid out of marriage you have running water yeah you do yeah I run it out the holler got a water fil it comes off of so you tap into that yeah yeah I can't drank it but I can bath in it and wash my clothes and dishes right my white meal friends I kind of like them more I think in the long run I think I might end up marrying a white man I'm not sure but I think that's what might happen find a sugar daddy and you're all yeah pretty much I'd actually bit one of these pedophiles on the side of the face while I was getting molested once and um I think my punishment for that is my dad um took one of these audio recordings of me getting raped and he sat me down and he had me listen to them when I was just four or five years old and you know I grew up hunting and stuff it sounded like someone was killing a rabbit over this audio recording just just gurgling screaming and I remember my dad looking at me and laughing and I brought him the recording and I said it on his desk you know I I was just a scared kid I don't know what was going on he looked at me and he kind of laughed and he says you don't like listening to that do you man the politicians by [ __ ] you see you see how how they bought the [ __ ] up with trumping them over there in Florida I mean wherever they got the they got the lady in prison right now because the other dude he died or something in prison he got killed or something right there yeah because every it's hey everybody name is in the black book so they don't want that black book coming out you know what I'm saying a [ __ ] a [ __ ] like me would have had that black book a [ __ ] would have been dropping boxes of money off that behind uh my mom I grew up with my mom very strong woman uh middle I was a middle child um she uh my older brother was the Golden Boy and my younger son was autistic so I bore the brunt of everything her mom did to her and uh she was an alcoholic as well and she would um she would beat me and um she would uh she'd sexually abuse me few years after I got into crystal meth and um yeah alcohol alcohol is my biggest problem is alcohol number one it's been my biggest downfall for my life it's hard man because you know I've been doing jail prison all my life man you mean and my dad did it my Grandpa did it mean my dad's still in prison right now he's 60 something years old he's still in prison you know and uh my uncle something like that I look at them I'm like [ __ ] I don't want to be 5 55 years old still going into violations you mean I'm 43 and I can't do it more I'm go in there now and I'm ready like I can't do this [ __ ] these people get on my nerves I can't I don't you know there's going to be a boy mhm so what happened there the miscarriage is my baby was already so big they had to um cut my baby up inside me and pull him out unfortunately when they cut him out um they accidentally cut a little bit of my uterus so I can never have kid skin and that broke my heart so where do you see your life going from here you're 16 I'm probably going to be dead how would you die most likely you think what's what's the most dangerous most likely way that you would die my hood just the gang violence and the guns and all that either my hood or my pimp you have a pimp something like that the reason to be mad at the world Excuse excuse to be mad the world and everything cuz this right here but I don't I can give up I'm not giving up I can't give up but won't let me I'm not a violent person but I had to defend myself it was a dude that got obsessed with me and stuff and he kept attacking me and the the police and stuff wouldn't do nothing about it because you know who I was and who he was his mom was an attorney so and I was just a working woman on the streets doing drugs so I didn't mean nothing I went to jail my first time you did yeah dead ass serious it was a cop he was undercover a while UNS supposed came natural you know I learned at a young age that uh when you sex a ho you and they world but when you get in their mind they in your world feel me yeah when you get in their mind they in your world but if you sex them you're in they world if you have sex with them then you and they were yeah so it's all about control all all about control you know not with just this head but with the other head too molestation go on till I was 14 from as young as I can remember Jesus so I did you say anything did I didn't say anything until I was 23 and when I it was already too late but I got shot the hell up I got shot all in my back and um in my back arm right here bullet you see Bullet Hole elbow elbow right here I got I've been shot nine times and uh and uh and one uh couple in the leg but um anyway peaches that was my little heart though at the time but I was married but so I had her and my first wife Anita uh uh that's start anyway anyway yeah where'd you go to school Manhattan Princeton for piano Yale for running Hunter for Science and I saw Einstein and I was reading a book and it took me a long time to get a brain that would stay captive I was in love with Indian lore that's all I had I had been a young girl and I was very uh petite in the muscle area that gets stretched so I didn't know it but they signed me up for Olympic Training so I get to prison and uh I'm one of those kids that that wants to like wants to participate you know I believe I believe inas in our in in our in our the thing we have established in prison right uh our Southern Hispanics and uh so you know I start doing I start you know doing stuff in prison um little stabbings here little stabbings there I'm just like my dad rest in peace he knows it and I apologize before he died we talked it out he understood why I did that never was really interested in anything that was successful ever you know I always had an interest and it always looked good to me but I think somehow there was something on the inside of me that felt that maybe I didn't deserve success you know so I've always self- sabotaged always my whole entire life including now um excuse me I have to take a shot like I'm so sorry alcoholism is very ugly but it's real I was full Flav with business back then we had zip guns 22s 25s I'm pretty two years old wow all the D is I go with dead or got life but I was the one that was voted to get life cuz I was wild and you have sex with the girls for surely I have sex with the girls who else I'm going to have sex with I'm not going to go trick my dick out with a [ __ ] or a square ho that ain't doing nothing for me if I'm having sex with any girl it's going to be the girl that's in my stable that's in my life that's making sure daddy got everything well when I was nine my dad was in prison and I he told my grandma to let me use his phone for my birthday so um I was going through his pictures and I found a video and it was him raping me when I was four and then when he got out I confronted him about it and it started happening again so in prison probably 40 I'm 53 so probably 40 40 years out of those 53 I spent in prison oh wow I'd be out I mean I'd be out for about a week or so and I wind up you know doing something you know doing somebody a favor putting in work and go right back you it really didn't matter to me back then you know my mom was mentally [ __ ] she got hit by a truck on her fifth birthday in the jam was R so she had a mind like a kid you know so but I don't know why or understand why she beat me all the time and not them and I don't know if it's a trip I guess cuz I look like my father I guess I don't know yeah and U I got taken away I was like it was whole another story so the sex addiction bloomed when I was sober because it was hidden and it was with random people and then bloomed again when I was on drugs because it wasn't hidden and it was with random people and now that I'm a totaltime fentanyl user um I am asexual and have no sex at all so uh it's an odd place to be in I never thought I'm going to be racist when I started I thought my life is going to be over in very quickly you don't think the preaches dick gets hard when sister Robins walks by with her fat ass in that tight shirt he thinking the same thing you thinking when you look at her with that fat ass in that tight skirt he not thinking about how Pious she is or how good of a parishioner she is or how holy she is he thinking about what he could do with her if he had her alone in the room naked cuz he's a man it's our natural it's our natural instinct to do that it's it's our basic human need to gratify ourselves Memphis a [ __ ] man you know what I'm saying like it's e to get at out here you know what I'm saying so one thing I had a natural inclination to was like I caught on quick you feel me like I was observed I ask a lot of question what that for why you [ __ ] the gun like that why you load the bullet like that why you cut it like that when you put heat on it what why you put bacon soda with like I always ask a thousand questions you know what I'm saying to the point where I have to [ __ ] up sometime you know what I'm saying you can't be in the cop asking question man you know I'm saying you around ganger killer pimp Rob murderers you carry G yeah always always where she it's close is such thing now is loyalty over love I rather you be loyal to me than just come the screen you love me cuz long as you loyal to me you going to do all the things that love makes you do you see what I'm saying so loyalty is the a word I use not love I am I met my mother uh when I was 15 in the penitentary for murder um and I stayed with the original Foster family from 6 months until I was 13 um I was basically their slave um my foster brother sexually molested me a few blocks it's not no it's like a huge part of the city yeah every and the cops you know like they control it they're the ones who are letting the [ __ ] in they're the ones who control everything and they act like you know spread out for miles in every direction yeah and I mean like you're going to sit here and tell me that you're doing everything you can for this city when you're the ones making the bus you're the ones making it possible for these things to be on the street you're the ones letting these people go you're the ones taking them in I told my girl there something in me man I can't help it please forgive me if you think that I'm a cheater and now it's just I can't help it I love [ __ ] I like the ass you know what I'm saying and I tear it up you have a hard time being a one woman man yes yes it's hard time they like I don't feel in love that quick but this what she got me I love getting I love getting high I do I love it it helps me bury my feelings it helps me it helps me none of my feelings I don't like feeling and you can't have feelings and emotions on the streets anyways feelings emotions cuz you [ __ ] up and killed so Amber your what your childhood how would you describe it how would you describe your childhood um my childhood it was okay it was good my parents was good Christian people so growing up all the way until 23 it was pretty good and then what happened at 23 uh I started started smoking and doing drugs okay on comfortable weirdness um and then he he raped me um at the church I remember parts of it um and I remember him um sorry dropping me back at my house and um me going up to my bathroom and just undressing and looking at myself and just seeing bruises and I had no one to talk to I didn't tell anyone um I couldn't even tell my parents or my siblings and I had no friends um to tell so I started using pills I got to the point to where I had a problem with with authority you know what I mean I had a record like this thick uh being kicked out of schools and always getting into fights you know I figured if my own mom didn't love me enough to you know to to to to have a normal life and have a childhood you know I didn't want to hear what anybody else had to say you know I like I was when I was 5 years old I was molested when I was five you were at a family reunion so that plays a part too you know cuz it was like a family member and it was like I didn't understand at that age you know what was going on but when As I Grew Older it was like who like that's what you were doing and then and then that person has kids now so it's like how could you you know but that plays a big part too my brother at the same time but was my best friend uh I don't talk to no mother my of my family so my brother was there for we're there for each other um he lost his mind someone smoked him out was a PCP and he lost his mind right so my mom gave up on him he was in a psych Bo for two years years he he he didn't know who was who you know what I'm saying um and pretty much I I threw everything down the drain from for that my mom's death and my brother I couldn't take it so I started went back to my gang and doing things that I thought I knew would make me feel better which were drugs and all that you know what I'm saying and um since then I've pretty much lost everything what aspect of all this life gets you down the most the fact that all three of my children are not with me anymore like those were my Shadows I couldn't even go to the bathroom without them so to look back and not hear mom at least a million times in one sentence it really tears me up because like they are my everything you know even in junior high in high school I sold crack cocaine it went from marijuana to crack the heroin and then when I found found fany I mastered the game because I did it when I was young I just used all my elements from then until now and I just applied all my you know all my rules to the same thing and it it worked out just like that but eventually you're going to get you can't get away with it all good this comes to an end everyone gets caught right everyone nobody gets away drugs a part of your life uh marijuana is mainly I like XX um I have tried the Crystal but you don't know when people be putting fit and all up in that stuff and giving it to you I I don't trust that stuff no more just uh just Xanax and marijuana yeah and some alcohol what what does Xanax do for you Xanax call me down yeah but Xanax and alcohol is dangerous right yeah but it calms me down cuz that's all I've been having is uppers I didn't I didn't know anything about ski Road and I was like alone but I fell in with the wrong Crow and I was manipulated and G basically just sucking dick for for hips and stuff like that and I wasn't making no money at it but I just wanted to smoke and you're pregnant now huh you're pregnant now um no no you're not pregnant probably like bloated or something yeah yeah so you don't think you're pregnant I no I think just bloed so yeah is is your attitude that uh regardless of what kind of relationship it is you're all still you're still paying for it I'm still paying for it I hear that a lot still paying for it but you know man I'll tell you this I'm tired of it and I really am because it's so so much drama and so much trickeration and so much [ __ ] that it just put you in a situation where aren't you tired of being sick and tired yeah yeah I'm tired he paid me and when he was done I just felt something weird so when I looked at him he had a knife to my throat give me back the money [ __ ] and I was like oh hell no after everything I went through he wants his money back it's not going to work out so I grabbed the knife and I pulled it down and I remember him hitting me which look I don't feel nothing you know so I'm like try to again and his eyes were like oh hell go you got the wrong [ __ ] I was in high school and we were looking at a film and they were looking at the the degradation of homelessness and disparity and I said wow man those people are really [ __ ] up I'll never end up like that and about two years ago I was on one of the back streets here in on skid roll and um it dawned on me what I said and I said I'll be down I became one of those people

Channel: Soft White Underbelly

Views: 3,656,455

Keywords: soft white underbelly, swu

Id: xGIFgS1XV1Y

Length: 30min 38sec (1838 seconds)

Published: Thu Nov 23 2023