"If You Want To IMPROVE Your Sex Life WATCH THIS!" | Emily Morse & Lewis Howes

pleasure is your birthright and we all deserve to have pleasure and we we prioritize so many other things work family home and usually we put ourselves last i believe that when we heal ourselves sexually we will heal so many other parts of our life i think you gotta have a dream the school of greatness really yeah please welcome us what's the number one thing that ruins relationships from keeping a thriving desirable sex life what would you say the number one thing that keeps people from thriving in with their sexual relationship is communication i that is not if if couples do not talk about sex and they don't prioritize their sex life and they just assume it's always going to be how it was during the honeymoon phase which is not realistic it's going to fall apart what if it's uncomfortable to talk about well that's the point it's always uncomfortable see here's here's why i will always why i always have a job people always gonna listen to the podcast and call him with questions is because it's not comfortable for anyone to talk about sex because we we don't have role models of people talking about sex we had zero sex education most people i speak to after 15 years had and if they did it was inaccurate and we feel we somehow there's all these there's all these things that we've learned about sex that are untrue untrue and one of those is like if you have to talk about sex it means that there is a problem and that's when you should just call it quits because we get attached to those early phases of the relationship where it's just like this explosion and fire control fireworks it's never always fireworks that's so everything and if we if we don't talk about and so yes it's always uncomfortable but that's why i always talk about i mean a lot of what i do is teach communication around sex i mean yes i can give you all the tips and all the positions and all the things we could be here for 16 hours but at the end of the day how do you even have that conversation that's terrifying and hard and uncomfortable and how does a woman who's been married for five plus years to their husband have the conversation when the sex life is dying or about to be dead so how does the woman approach it yes okay so i'll tell you my three t's timing tone and turf tone is everything tone is everything for women for everyone because here's the thing let's start with tone you never initiate sex you never want to have sex with me how come you don't you know go down on me why don't you do all the and so the second anyone does that whether it's a business it's a business in the boardroom or the bedroom you're going to get a defensive reaction so your tone has to be curious and open and light and collaborative like you know so our tone is hey i realized we you know we haven't talked about our intimate life our sex life lately and i just i really never talked about it babe so let's just you know what are some things that have been working for you what not and so that's part of it i can circle back to the we can actually do a conversation so that's the tone the tone is never aggressive hostile blaming then you have the turf now this might surprise you because most people think that you should talk about it in your bedroom yeah you're like well i just had sex and we're already in the bedroom but the bedroom i i believe is sleeping and sex not to have deep conversations but we usually think well if sex is in my mind right now we should talk about it like wait till it's removed so then you can actually have a productive conversation because most people i talk to i say they call in my show and i've got this problem i'm like okay have you talked about it yeah i did i let her know that i wa where were you and it was after sex and they don't remember our minds are in an altered state no like because of the hormones and the chemicals that happen with arousal and orgasm so outside the bedroom in a place that here's some tips for this it's like you want to do it in a place where you are um maybe you're you know having dinner you're having a glass of wine you are you are going here's the other thing since it's so awkward do it when you're going for a walk because this way this is your girlfriend you're just staring at each other you're looking for eyes yeah you're not looking each other or in the car on a road trip i won't even make you look in your partner's eyes at this moment but then you can be like so babe i realize we haven't talked about our sex life right so that's timing tone turf that's what you got right did i hit them all timing is oh timing no i didn't i missed it i got excited timing is here's an easy way to remember don't do it when you're halt hungry angry lonely or tired you are chilling you're hanging out you're in a really good space that's why being outside in nature or you're going on a road trip you're in a good place you're having dinner you're having a meal the kids are sleeping and i also want to tell people it is not a one-time conversation you know another one of the myths around sex is like oh i had the i had the sex talk like it's oh no and now we all of a sudden understand we know nothing so that might be your first conversation is you know what i realize after these 10 years five years we've been together we haven't talked about it and and i it's so you know as you hope you can agree it's it's important and i realized lately i feel use the i feel that we haven't made a lot of time for it i'm not sure why you know i'm thinking you know i've been listening to i'll be like i'm like always like blame me say you were listening to this podcast you know i was listening to sex with emily and she said maybe we should schedule sex and i can get into that too but like we should or maybe we should just you know i don't want to be the only one driving this so tell me what could be a great solution or why do you think we're not having sex i think it's because i've been we've been real i've been really tired i'm overworked you know what what do you think it is and then you can problem solve what do you think we could do we could schedule sex we could plan things we could you know and then the challenge is a lot of things can come up from there well you haven't been listening to me you know so it's this is why it's not a one-time conversation yeah and then you say you go from there what is the main reason that men stop having sex with their partner after a long period of time and why is the main reason that women would want to stop having sex with their partner after a long period of time you know what's interesting louis is that we always want to split this by gender and it would be so much easier if we could men do it because of this and women do it because of this and what i found out is that there is there's you cannot divide this on gender lines same exact reasons yep so what are the what's the reason so the reasons are i mean i could tell you that there's some male skewing things for example you know something there is some truth to probably what you're thinking is that you know men want variety or that it just gets to be sort of stale and it's not exciting anymore but i hear that from women all the time um that they just sort of get bored with it but typically they they stop having sex because it gets boring and then resentment's build too so usually there's an underlying um resentment something's happened they've built up contempt once you get to contempt that's a really hard place to come back from but there's resentments it's um maybe it's you know they thought because one time they told their partner they wanted to initiate more and their partner didn't well then they hold that against him they use sex as a weapon they withhold it from their partner i'm not gonna you know we're not gonna have sex so there's the there's the resentments there's the just you get bored because you don't talk you don't mix it up and you don't do different things um it's also because some of the top reasons why they're not having sex is lower you know there's always a high desire partner in every relationship and a lower desired partner so someone who desires sex more there's always someone who wants more and someone who wants less and unfortunately those people never match up really mm-hmm so what do you mean i mean that's why it's so hard you can't just like say there's a lot of different because there's always it could be hormone here's the thing let me just say there's always someone who wants it more than someone else never at the same level no and that can switch you're like i really wanted it but then i got really stressed so another reason why we don't want sex typically doesn't even have to do with our partner it could be because we're really stressed out with work what i hear a lot from men is when men are really so like i'll give you some gender things here when men are really stressed about money or finances they're worried about you know work it's like they've been like castrated honestly because you think about the masculine in many cases i don't want to be they're like oh i have to make a living i have to be the man and then if you are you got laid off from work you're you don't know how you're going to pay the mortgage sex is the la you are shut down sex could be the last thing on your mind you don't feel sexually charged you don't desire yourself well a lot of it has to do with the reason why okay so another reason why we don't want sex is because we're not feeling good about ourselves so if you look at it holistically yeah it could be about an emotional reason a psychological it could be physiological biological your hormones you know for women our hormones change over time after childbirth um if you're on certain medications that could also be a reason why we don't want sex so it's it's whenever i dig deeper it's typically not even about your partner per se there's just always so many factors it's like saying you know when you why you know do you feel healthy right now i mean it's the same thing like oh well my exercise is great but my diet isn't or i'm really working out but i'm not lifting weights or you know so it's like sex it's like a it's a puzzle that you have to look at all the elements it's really hard how do we simplify ah how do we just relax and allow the desire to flow for the rest of our life i think that's a great question and i think how we simplify it is we we keep talking about it we keep checking up on it we keep saying so where are we at now and you set realistic expectations so i'll give you an example like when a woman gives let's talk i'm sure a lot of your listeners have you know children or they've gone through this or women in perimenopause or just hormonal things so let's say you wanted sex um all the time before you got pregnant you have a baby and for many women their desire doesn't come back now they go they go to the doctor they come home from the hospital and the doctor typically says oh you'll be fine you can have sex in six weeks so much of the medical system of how we treat women and women's health is so inaccurate you come in six weeks yeah maybe you'll feel a little bit better physically but your hormones are all over the place you're exhausted you just birthed a human out of your vagina and you're supposed to get all sexy and slinky and want sex it's just so that could be a thing so then even setting expectations so i think another important thing is you talk about it but you also set expectations like right now babe i am not i'm not feeling it let's just say that i'm not gonna it's not gonna be as frequent but also people the way we define sex is through intercourse like pv sex i'm talking about heterosexual couples penis goes into vagina but sometimes we just miss intimacy with our partner so sometimes it could be let's just you know let's cuddle like i'll give you a back rub for 20 minutes and you'll give me a back route for 20 minutes and then we'll see where it goes or we take sex off the table for a week and we're like we just sort of do it like we did in high school we kind of bring back that energy and that connection so um it doesn't always flow and i think the problem is it will never flow just like your health just like nutrition your spiritual practice your religious practice it is the same exact thing and so the the bill of goods that we are sold that this perfect sex life looks a certain way and it's you're always hot you're always turned on you always want to rip your partner's clothes off doesn't exist anywhere for anybody on the planet not even me and i've been studying this for 15 years and i started this because i was like i don't ever want to be in a relationship with a sex it just seems horrible to be with someone that you don't have sex with and i thought how do i impact how do i figure that out and so now i know what to do when i'm in a relationship but i still sometimes don't want it all the time so let's just knock down that and let's just say to think that it's always going to be in flow and you're always going to want to have sex with your partner at the same rate the same time the same positions your desires are going to be the same as your partner is just setting yourself up for failure never going to happen never so it's learning to be flexible understanding having greater communication with your partner not having this fixed mindset that it's got to be a certain way all the time right otherwise you're going to let yourself down yeah set yourself free do you think uh is sex yeah is sex more physical psychological or spiritual in your mind i think it's all of those and when we think it's only one thing that's another way we get into trouble because we don't i mean yes it's physical but for many people it's a spiritual experience it's all about connection and here's the other thing when we talk about communication i don't just mean like hey let's talk about sex why aren't we having it it's like what are your desires what turned you on what are you into what what's the most you know great place for couples to start is what's the most the three most memorable times we've had sex i'll write it down and then you write it down not with other people because that gets messy but in our relationship five years ago in that car with another girl is so hot that girl went down he was crazy oh my god you're like oh [ __ ] that wasn't you that's bad but once you start to kind of unpack okay maybe i see i had a woman call into my show a few weeks ago and she said to me it was very similar i was married for 15 years and we don't have sex we have kids i mean this is literally the question so i'm glad we're talking about this and she said i asked her i said well what's the most memorable time you had sex she said it was like in 2000 it was new year's eve and we were on the dance floor and we had we had sex on the dance floor and she was like are we i'm like that's hot i'm like okay wait with other people around yeah they're like pete was like you know new year's eve people couldn't see that's that's pretty it's hot you're probably not going to match that with three kids like living in ohio like that's not going to happen again however what i got from that and this is just a this is just scratching the surface was oh so you like the unexpected maybe you have a little bit of a um you know a a voyeur thing in you or you like people to watch you or you like to be watched or to not almost be caught yes to be caught the fear of being caught is a big one for people so even just those kernels of the three most memorable maybe zombie for a lot of people it's on vacation well it's not you know that's why we love vacation sex so our like sexual dna like all the different sex things that we've done like that that will tell us or just telling those sex sex is like the dna of your sex life it's like what's worked what hasn't and the pro the challenge is that it typically we don't often match with our partner and this is why i would love for people to have all of these conversations about sex before you commit or before you all before you commit would be ideal before you get married because you're like oh what i want penetration i want i want more i want kinkier i want you know so so the three things are you know some people want more romantic connected sex like my you know maybe your partner says the best sex we ever had was when we were staring into each other's eyes and we did that tantric breathing together and then you're like i liked it when i from behind when the lights were you know and and when we were watching porn together and neither there's no right answer here but then how do people with disparate sexual desires and needs come together it's so hard it's possible okay it's very possible it's very hard it's very hard it's almost like there's a lot of people that get into relationship through attraction and they have this instant connection and they realize after six months that they have different love languages yes the love languages are the thing you love to create maybe you like to share words of affirmation but your partner doesn't do that in return and you don't feel the love and return after a period of time when things kind of wear off the honeymoon phase you start to be like resentful or whatever it may be because they're not giving you what you want and it's not their come from it's not their normal way of being right so that's hard but then you're in a relationship and you love each other and you try to make it work it sounds like you got to understand each other's sex yes so let's talk about that for a minute so i think every couple a great thing is to do take the love language quiz first also i have something on my site called it's at sex with ebele.com it's the yes no maybe list this is a game changer so i think it's you take the love language quiz because usually we give love the way we want we we give love the way we want to receive it and then that can get messy it's a list that has literally like 80 sex sex options so it goes from kissing to cuddling to spanking to watching porn to mutual masturbate just everything that you've thought of sexually down this list and it's a game you each fill it out is it a yes for you is it a no or is it a maybe what a great conversation i always try to have hacks for people so they can sort of because the conversation's so awkward i always have all these exercises for a couple so just do this together and then you're like oh you want to be spanked i didn't know that i wanted that as well or you like to cuddle we haven't been cuddling you know what are your yeses let's start with all the yeses okay let's do more of the yeses you know what are your your maybes well let's just talk about the maybe here for a minute how why is it a maybe and it just gets the conversation going and then you have it all laid out and you see like where can we at least align and then where can we negotiate right what about the nose what if someone's yes's or someone else's nose that that's gonna take a lot of work it's like the love language it's some of them are easier than others but if your partner's like acts of service or time some things are just hard you're like oh god actually service can i just pay someone to do this my girl loves acts of service oh that's horrible i guess i'm speaking from so much time and energy to make you feel loved through an act when i normally would never do this myself for probably what do you do for myself exactly i don't even wash my car or whatever filled the tank with you but i learned the hack from like hiring people to do certain things but it's just and that works but it's still like man it's a full-time job he's a full-time job being there for someone's love language if it's not the same thing yeah it's hard well how great when you match up at least one of them because usually we have two yeah yeah we've won and then the primary one so hopefully there's one we have a lot of mutual things also but it's like if you have a your yeses or someone else's nose that's gonna be really hard yeah does everyone your listeners are you've talked about the love images before because it's such a it's right it's a great no it is it is it's great and that's a great starting point for couples too because for couples who have never like let me tell you something louis the majority of couples that i hear from and even individuals they've never talked about their sex life not only that but they've never even thought about love languages they're at a they're at a standstill they've never had therapy and so i think taking a love language quiz figuring that out can be a great place to just to start peel back a layer and be like oh what compliments okay what's the conversation starter that any person should have with their partner within the first couple months about sex okay maybe you've had sex a few times already maybe you're about to have sex in order to see if this is actually going to work to give you a chance of being great god in my world what's the conversation that's uncomfortable but needed um well you should always talk about protection and if you're safe and you've been tested you should do that before you have sex just have that conversation and right now with like covet it's like we're all talking about tested why don't you just talk about have you gotten invented have you been oh great you don't have covet and how about stds so that's one thing and then i think it's just about how important is that here's a great question how important is sex to you i'm someone who really wants to prioritize pleasure it's really important to me to stay connected to my partner i love touch my my love language is is touch me too how are you yeah and that's a hard one if your partner's isn't touched that's another one that's super challenging because i'm like if you were not touching often and all the time you're gonna be resentful it's not gonna work yeah they could be buying me gifts and they could be doing actual services i don't give a [ __ ] but touch me all day so that's hard but just to say they're like oh no i don't really like so if they say oh i you know sex is yeah pleasure what do you mean by that or god and they get really uncomfortable or maybe they shame you for talking about or they make you feel bad or like what do you mean i i believe that if if you have to talk about sex the relationship's not gonna work and i'm not saying you run away from that person because let me just i can't say this enough lewis that most people haven't even talked about it or thought about it a lot of times it's because the people don't have a lot of education or they haven't done research so maybe their partner says well i've heard if we have to talk about it there's a problem lots of people think that it's just simply not true so if you're somebody who's with someone you really like them but that then you could say okay well i listen a lot of people listen to my show together they'll list my podcast or give him some literature however they learn and say the truth is couples who communicate about sex are actually a lot more satisfied and when most couples who don't the sex is going to go down the tubes really if they don't talk about it yeah so the more frequent the more comfortable you are talking the more comfortable you are listen the couples who are not having a problem with sex they're doing great but when it becomes a problem which it will if you never talk about it it takes over the entire relationship it's kind of like the 80 20 rule for sex like if it's a problem it takes over i don't know is that sort of you know or like it's like the elephant in the room that was talking about and it's why isn't our connection good and intimacy is not good but no one's willing to talk about it now and julian talk about it because they don't know where to start they don't actually know the problem and a lot of us and i actually do hear this from vulva owners or women more often is that when there's a problem with sex we blame ourselves so we think he hasn't initiated sex lately um oh i gained weight he saw my stretch marks i'm not sexy he's with somebody else there's something wrong with me and so therefore i need to fix it when if she did when if i just said you know to the partner someone said their partner so what lately i feel like we haven't been having sex as much is there anything going on because i still does oh babe i'm glad you brought it up i'm so stressed with work i mean like let's just solve it that way but we don't we're so afraid of talking about it that we're going to be confirmed what we believe is true that we are not lovable which is ultimately the greatest fear on earth is that we will not be loved and abandoned so we don't bring it up and then we also have shame like i should always have be having sex all the time and something's wrong with me and then we also don't have a model of people talking about it so we don't know what to do yeah it's not really talked about that much at all except for you except for few people a few people who i hope more people are i know who who cheats more in relationships men are women honestly it's i used to think men all the things but it's very it's fairly close right now i think that they're like neck and neck said that just as many women yes she's hearing and hurt her are cheating on their husbands as much as men are yeah and in my unscientific opinion they just don't get caught it's fluent how is that because we're just better at it how do you sleep hold back the lie the guilty how do you not um i just think that women are i don't know what is that that is a great question it's almost like women can always tell when they're man's not always we have that women's intuition but then better maybe sloppier i don't know this is like this is just my i don't know how and women i don't know if they get away with it but women they kind of do we just cover our tracks i don't know but i often i know a lot of women this is again just friends or listeners um but it is 50 50 and i can't answer why men get caught more than women this is again i'd love to see a study on this but this is my hunch that men maybe it's always about the phone these days although i was watching um uh what's it called the show that was in the 50s about advertising oh my god mad men and i remember there was a scene where he was cheating and she got the phone bill like back in the 50s and it was like all these numbers she didn't know so it's always been the phone but now the phone can pop up on the ipad and the messages and all the things i don't maybe the man is not checking the woman's phone as much as the woman's checking the man phone yeah i'm trying to think of what i honestly think that women okay again there are men like this too all genders but women were really good at like reading like we we can read your facial expressions or we're intuitive or what do you mean you didn't come up or what oh you're i don't know we're like we're like the scientists yeah and i think that it does show a little bit that you know and there's also these are also i don't know how conclusive these studies are but women when women cheat like women leave the relationship they're more likely to already have someone that men don't often leave until their female partner pushes it to end like in a marriage or something yeah i just i hate to talk in like stereotypes like this because i think it's a case-by-case basis but i do think that cheating is yeah common for for everybody and it's not necessarily because the sex isn't great again there's a lot of other reasons why people cheat and what i talk about a lot is what i would love to see is i think monogamy works for so many people monogamy is great till death do his part great work together forever but for many people it just isn't and i know and people think oh that's so crazy if my partner was sleeping with someone else i'd go insane well it's not for you but for some people they they don't think it's okay or they don't know how it would work but i know a lot of people in really long term open relationships and it doesn't mean just go bang someone honey i'm not coming home tonight i met someone really great at the bar it doesn't work like that it's like okay so these are my because okay let's go back to the yes no maybe maybe i really want to be spanked or tied up and you're just like i don't feel great about that i grew up at a home where there was a lot of i'm like okay how would you feel if once a week or once a month once a quarter like i think everyone needs to sex we'll talk about that business plan for your sex life but once a quarter i went out and i did this thing and then what what do you want fulfilled and you just sort of have and the people i know in open relationships and there's all there's like swingers and there's threesomes and there's just all different things they practice this rigorous communication and they talk about everything and they don't sure they get jealous but then they sort of learn to sort of transcend that because something happens called compersion and conversion compersion is when i actually i'm i actually get pleasure because i love you so much that you you had pleasure really absolutely this is what happens if that's like transcending jealousy into compersion never heard of it your pleasure i love you so much and i trust you and i'm glad you went and got spanked tonight i'm glad you went and you know that's like a whole another elevated human right there not even yeah how do you how does someone train i mean i feel like on both sides men and women it's hard it'd be hard for men to allow that to happen to their female partner and i i think the fear of i won't speak in every woman but i think the fear of abandonment for a lot of women is is high and if you're going to go off and have this crazy wild experience with some younger or hotter or whatever girl like will you still want to be with me is it safe and secure that happens for many people but i should also clarify that when these open relationships work they don't start open you are on a really solid place i have so many people calling to my show and say we've been together 10 years and we've opened it up in the last five years we've been swinging i i don't most people that i know or that call in that my listeners they they had a really solid foundation and they talked about it for months they have rules they have boundaries like there's no kissing there's no sleepovers if you're with somebody it's only once and since you and you you have a contract is that the way it works for most no there's no most i hear everything some people want the person that they they want the same person really some people don't they want it can't be anyone in our town it can only be when you're traveling it can only be our neighbor and nobody else it can only there's no kissing you can never sleep over you can only sleep over but then don't come home because you know i mean it's wow but you get to but you might and when you start at an open relationship journey you and you get to um just like it can be messy at the beginning but you're like oh that didn't feel good to me but you are like i said your practice you both want this for whatever reason you came to because we want more variety or actually turns me on to see you with another person like a lot of and you'd be surprised probably your neighbors there's people that you wouldn't believe likely yeah a lot of men like watching their female partners with another so many lewis and i'll bet you a lot of your listeners are like yeah i'm into it it's called cuckolding it's called cuckolding and it's buckled uh-huh and it's way i mean i'm telling you people all over the country they called to my show and midwest and all over yep i mean i'm from michigan you have a lot of listeners like we cuckolding is the act of a of a man it's typically a man who gets his primary turn on or one of his main tournaments is watching his wife have his partner have sex with another man i know not for me either not just like this in their dna it's like this is a turn-on for me there's a lot of different reasons so you i hear it i mean i and i you know the thing about my show is like no zero judgment i've heard everything i'm open as long as it's safe and consensual but i think that that's so a lot going back to why we cheat it's like maybe we have a deep desire and either we're too afraid to bring it up or we brought it up and our partner was like no i will never allow that i will never allow it and then you're like well this is part of my core erotic blueprint this is my like erotic theme this is what this is a really main source of my arousal and you're saying no no you're shutting it down it's really hard and then so how do you live with that if you want to be with someone you love this person you want to create a family and a life together you want to live by you want to make them happy but you also want to make yourself happy how do you do both um well there's so many different pieces of the puzzle is it okay to shut down a desire yes if you're okay with to be with someone else and you say okay i'm gonna accept this it's not acceptable in this relationship all the time so i'm gonna kill this part of me and is it a kill or just like a let go of this desire yeah yeah no because that kill is like oh it was a deep part of me but if it's like you know what if i never have sex with another person uh outdoors right i could probably live with that because this person is all these other things but it's usually not that black and white yeah the riches of the connection and the love and the relationship and what we've created yeah it's not worth ruining it's not worth ruining for this fantasy once a year yeah right yeah interesting so but things can work if we i just want people to know what is possible and and again none of this is for everybody but it's it's not prescriptive but monogamy isn't for everybody that's why half the people cheat that's why half the marriage is ending divorce even though we're delaying marriage and getting married later later um and sex is often an underlying like if you don't still have that connection in chemistry even couples and couples are going to go through it like i i think as long as you're you know it's not always going to be great relationships look like this especially long-term relationships but the couples i know that make it work they always come back to they have they still are having sex like they're really because typically maybe sometimes there's one person who doesn't want it as you know like i said but they make it happen or they don't want to have as much sex but they they figure it out because they know that that is the glue and people will tell you differently like oh we're best friends we've decided we never need to have sex again and we're just going to be we love we have love our family love our house if they're not having sex eventually that will catch up with them and they will be miserable or one person will want that desire something like that they'll want it do we have to we we are we are sexual beings you people having sex i mean i have like an 80 year old called me in the show the other night and he's got three women and who she grew up i mean it's a different world right now you know my mother watched my master class and she's 77 and she's like you know emily watching your master class i was really inspired i actually shaved my leg she's in my stepdad for 35 years she's like i realize i've been kind of lazy during quarantine and i shaved my legs i'm like mom i'm so glad you're inspired because we always need to remember that that's you know they're very happy they have a wonderful relationship but you know he's 85 she's 70s but it still is important because then otherwise we're roommates what's the that's a lot what's the craziest story you've heard in the last 15 years of doing this work where you were just it shocked you you're like no this is like you've heard everything nothing's off limits you're you're you're welcoming people sharing crazy stuff all the time to make it more normalized so what is the one or two things that come to mind that was like wow i get asked this question and then whenever i get asked it i say i really need a better answer because to me nothing is crazy but i can tell you something that happened and again i usually this happened recently um do you mean like a crazy sex actor like we'll hear something okay so there's a couple this woman called into my show and she said she had a crush because a lot what i love about what i do is because i people can call in and then they call back and like well hey this work this didn't work so like we're all like the community we're all in it together sort of helping each other so she called and she said i don't know what to do i have a crush on my this is kind of we're gonna need to on my ex-husband's wife a woman on the woman she's like i just we have this connection we spend a lot of time together because she's essentially raising my kids she's been with my husband we're at the park together with my kids we're this and i think she feels it too that is crazy and she said and i even told my husband because she's remarried she's like i even told my husband that we have a thing and and and he said you know you know he was kind of okay but like thought it would be you know so then she calls back a few months later oh so then yeah she comes back a few months later and says you'll never believe what's happening and this happened during quarantine she said don't tell me they both got divorced the wife the girlfriend left her ex left her husband her ex-husband and now the three of them the husband the the wife and then the ex-wife because she said to me on the first call she said the ex-husband's wife left the husband to go for his ex-wife so the two ex-wifes are down together and the husband and it was told this might sound like the new husband not the ex-husband yes the new husband the ex-husband is alone and sad oh my god she's alone and sad and the other crazy thing is is that the the woman was like i feel this woman that i have a crush on she's married to my ex and this this is a whole nother show but she's like the same it's he's my ex-husband is an [ __ ] or jerk you know everyone thinks that but he's doing the same things to her and and they're almost bonded together because of the experience because people do listen we're all gonna repeat patterns if we don't work on ourselves we don't heal it we don't heal it you got to heal the trauma that's just going to keep going so he was like he was controlling he was ocd judgmental all the things so she would complain to the other girl yeah about what the ex-husband was doing to her and they were like yeah he did that to me and they were connecting and they were like oh it's over a period of yeah exactly or just yeah it was a period of few years so i mean at the end i'm like yeah then your ex your the ex-husband needs to know to go do some work you know anyway that was a pretty entertaining that was a pretty unique husband was cool with the yeah see this is where i'm tanya lewis that people are they're they're open to things that you think were the women having a relationship by themselves no the man sometimes joins but they all have an arrangement they sleep in the same bed the secret is not the first call i've gotten not about the throttle as a whole you know anything wow yeah i mean i know i it sounds yeah that was pretty like like we're like following along with our journey and i'm like she called back six months later and this is what happened so i think of what i hear that so but to me louis everything is like i've heard everything i don't think that any people people what i love is that people feel safe to call me and it's like it's all okay as long as it's you people have certain okay so here's someone called him this is my this isn't crazy but this you just might find this interesting this was last night her husband has a cutting fetish a fetish is something different than a fantasy or a kink that's required for arousal like people have a latex fetish or a um a foot fetish like it's almost like so you need the fetish in order to be aroused or you won't be sexually aroused i will not be at my best arousal state unless there is you i can't fight beside your feet i got to massage your feet they have to be somehow involved in our arousal otherwise maybe you'll be turned on but not fully turned off fully turned on that's a fetish that's like a and you could be like oh i kind of like feet sometimes we do that so that's the difference so this woman called in she's been with her husband for 17 years i believe she was in um ohio and she said yeah i know right from michigan right exactly so she said um haircut fetish and problem is we're in quarantine and i'm not getting my hair cut as much and my hair was really short and now it's growing and i like it and my sisters like it but i love my husband so much what do i do and it was just interesting i had i had heard that one once before but like she's like the haircut she said but i see it he cuts it he well usually someone else cuts it but he comes and she goes and i see he's never as turned on as he is when i'm getting a haircut oh my gosh so she can't grow her hair out of here can't grow her hair she's like what do you buy wigs i said why don't you go buy a bunch of wigs and you could also take it to the next place and be like not only am i blonde tonight in this long hair but i'm also going to dress apart and become my alter ego like these are things that couples do to like kind of it's kind of hard to wear a wig i once had a woman tell me she was working at a department store i think i was like somewhere like in new york buying something i mean because everybody as you can imagine opens up when they hear what i do they're like oh let me tell you something and she was probably 65 years old in bloomingdale's work in the makeup counter and i was buying something and i said i'm going out to a conference or something should what do you do i said i'm a sex sex doctor sex therapist she said honey i got the best advice for you i said what what because i always want to know she's like wear a wig and and i was like hmm and what she meant what she was saying is we we all crave variety we all want something different we it's going to happen after a while if i if i give you this chicken every single night for dinner you'd be like can we please order a pizza and so if every night and then you just kind of surprise your partner and you're wearing something different and you sort of plant a role play and my all this might sound kind of silly or oh we would laugh fine laugh sex is fun and funny and then you get into a different maybe you could maybe some couples or people called in and said yeah i took your advice i i dressed as something different and i actually was able to channel like my insecurities i usually have i felt different i felt sexier i felt like i could take control because i wasn't me and my partner could sort of connect with me on a different level and so these are just i have so many of these different hacks it's different for everyone but you know just don't give up on it you know give up what are you about someone's what about if someone's struggling with orgasm how do we not force another gender women or men both yeah what if both are like i'm just not able to have an orgasm anymore it's harder and harder and i no matter what i try are they overthinking it i don't think that sex should be all about orgasm we place way too much emphasis on orgasm i mean it's important but what i've found is there's a lot of different reasons why we can't orgasm and that's also there's like 20 different reasons it could be you're on medication you're stressed out you only can orgasm when you're alone but with your partner you haven't showed them what you like yet you have pain for there's a lot of different reasons shame you have shame you have pain and shame and so there's a so if you can't orgasm which which now can't orgasm or like okay so i it is different for the gender so we could break it down i mean some women orgasm like i don't think there's anyone who who can't have an i think we can always have an orgasm but we just don't haven't gotten there yet but very few people like can't anymore maybe they can't during penetration but you know i have to you know i have to say this every day and people are shocked that only 20 of women orgasm during penetration it's crazy 20 and it's because your penis is nowhere near clitoris and there's not enough arousal in foreplay and there's not enough touching and or maybe my love language is words and i need you to tell me all these things about me and i need you to slowly kiss my neck and warm me up but when we just go right for penetration no way will i have an orgasm and most women orgasm from mouths and fingers and hands and toys not a penis so and then for men who can't orgasm it's typically other things it's usually do not do what you're going to go off on at all sure okay i mean you know go for it men can't orgasm because is it loss of testosterone is it stress everything testosterone stress as men get older they lose testosterone but it can also be because they're used to masturbating to some to porn so when they're alone they use a certain grip if they don't have the same attention yeah it doesn't orgasm yeah but you can figure it there's hacks to everything louis you can hack your sex life what is mindful masturbation masturbation mindful masturbation is a great practice for discovery and learning to um slow everything down yourself or with someone else you could do it either way that's mutual i love mutual how about a mutual mindful masturbation mutual masturbation is the next thing there you go um mindful masturbation force what do you say the fourth step was exactly right there you go write down um the so what i love about mindful masturbation is you actually go into it with the goal of not orgasming the goal is to explore the goal is to take time you take half hour whatever it is you lock the door you know the kids are coming in your roommate and you just get curious and you set the atmosphere like you're on a date with yourself whatever it is that gets you in the mood you light candles you play music and you're just like i'm gonna get curious about my body and what feels good to me because we have so many nerve endings on our body that we don't even just we all know the primary erogenous zones but there's like like the nape of your neck you know your inner thigh your you know just inner elbow like for many women like there's just men yeah like right here like this part can feel really good to touch and then you just sort of get curious and you realize there's a lot of breath work and you breathe i mean breath and meditate breath and masturbation that's why i say meditate masturbate manifest but there's a lot of things that are breathing that are so important with sex you just kind of breathe and you just sort of pay attention to all the sensations of your body you can essentially tease yourself or edge yourself and then you just sort of the goal of it is to be mindful and curious about what feels good to you now i'm cool if you have orgasms and you go for it but the great thing about it is a lot of us just assume that the way we orgasm now is the only way like i only had an orgasm this way and i'm never going to try anything else and this is a great way to discover like can i have a nipple orgasm how does it feel yeah what's it happen what's a nipple orgasm a nip gasm very common but a lot of women don't even know they can have just having like pleasure yeah and you have an orgasm yeah zero arousal zero touching the genitals yep in fact there's a there's the sensory the the the same region of your brain it's called the the sensory cortex the general what is it called the uh oh my god my brain the something sensory cortex of your brain the it's it so your clitoris and your nip you didn't say clitoris yet your clitoris and your nipples are both they both send brain weight patterns to the same part of the brain so your arousal is stimulated this this part of the brain so it is similar to so the nipples and the clitoris so sometimes you could do both at the same time but women don't often they think it's not possible they think they can only have one orgasm majority of women can be multi-orgasmic really yeah how many other places can women women have an orgasm nipple nipple is this allowed for yourself we've never talked about this stuff but where else dude well this is good yeah open it up listen people need to know what listen my whole mission is to get people to prioritize their pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex so this is it we need more pleasure let's talk about it nipple orgasm yes i mean there's some women and they might even know this but then their partner maybe they never explored on their own during mindful masturbation or and use some lube get get just get curious about it and maybe after you already have an orgasm you can then your nipples be more sensitive and then you can have another orgasm i mean i'm not saying it's for every woman but they're pretty common there's a nipple orgasm there is an internal orgasm an external orgasm there are what's the difference between internal and external well some people call it the g-spot uh-huh oh you mean ant gotcha internal placement for men prostate the prostate is i'm telling you for men you have an orgasm through the prostate oh yeah oh my gosh very sensitive huh yes no lewis it's like a lot of men like i know it's for exiting makes me gay like a sex act does not make you gay but what happens is the the prostate it's kind of like the the male g-spot and it's an internal there's kind of like the same way you find the internal we could get back to the g-spot but for many men using a finger using a toy and just exploring there they have the most intense orgasms yes we didn't you didn't oh i should have brought you a natal toy okay there you go so yeah and so what i love is in the last 15 years like what i've seen is it used to be like straight men were like nope nope and then now they're kind of like oh i hear what you're saying absolutely yeah it can help men who have premature ejaculation or men who can't orgasm like that's always going to do it and the men that i know that have experienced it they're just like it's next level orgasm it blows their minds okay so your partner needs to figure out who what's what's more of a challenge for most men from your understanding and your show and experience premature ejaculation or unable to ejaculate or taste delayed ejaculation exactly what did we call it what happens what's more frequent um i would say i hear about premature ejaculation more often what is premature is this in a minute or less a minute or less yep i don't even know how you do that yeah good so this isn't your fault yeah it's it's really hard especially with the same person for years no dude i was with someone i i wonder if this is why i do what i do but when like a very long time ago 20 years ago before i did this because i didn't this was my like second career i i was with somebody who's like premature ejaculator for like two years yeah it's very every couple minutes shut up yeah every time for two years i know i was focused on other things i wasn't as i wasn't where i'm not i mean i was like i didn't know what it was that's crazy so it's very common so what was your question about it why do you meant oh is it or why or how do they what is more common premature or delayed nature's more common really but i hear more and more delayed lately too and delayed's trickier because they just don't know why but sometimes they can when they're you can solve all of it you can get through all of it we can get into all of it if you want to guide the strategy for which one for uh premature what's the strategy that a man and a woman could take on to support it delaying five to ten fifteen minutes there's a few things and we have a great downloadable on our site that's like a premi a guide to this it's called guide to edging and this goes back to mindful masturbation for a minute because for many men what i would tell men who are premature ejaculators i would say do some mindful masturbation meaning you you need to start to understand your ejaculatory control so when you're masturbating because usually men who are premature ejaculators don't have the same problem when they're alone so one thing i say is to edge yourself meaning when you feel it hold it back hold it back you get to a 10. so 10's orgasm one is i'm sleeping whatever then you get to an eight and then you bring it back down and then you keep doing that so you get to sort of start to understand it's like training for your training it's literally training um men could do strengths in their pelvic floor men can also do their kegels if you do come too quickly or you can't get there before your partner you know a lot of times it's anxiety it's a pattern so you know everything is patterning our response or react in our life like how we to go through life our reactions to things are our traumas it's all patterns the same thing happens with your ejaculation so if you're a guy who maybe it was just one time it was the first time you had sex you got there too quick it might now you're so nervous the next time you have sex it keeps happening have we got to break the pattern or it's the other way it it does you hold it for an hour delayed ejaculation because you're embarrassed or whatever yeah yeah you're afraid someone's going to walk in and you don't ejaculate so so this is all also work dealing with your anxiety working on like what what is it are you on medications you know what's happening but if you do come to circle back to that too quickly um just take the attention off yourself and give it to your partner i'm sure like if you're with a woman she'd love you to go down on youtube yeah focus on it but when we take it off of ourselves and we can kind of we're giving then you like oh i can go again or you know that's right um what's the biggest challenge you've faced in the last 15 years sexually that you've had overcome from me what have i personally the thing you've had to overcome the most that you struggle with oh god i struggled with everything no i didn't i was like okay i'll tell you how much time do we have lewis you know they say research is me search research like you you i believe that we get into like you started this podcast right to learn from of course people right of course and i found myself not that satisfied with sex very like confused i was like everyone's always saying when you have sex it's going to be amazing and i thought everyone was having orgasms all the time and i wasn't and so when i started the podcast i was not a sex expert i just was curious and i invited a bunch of people over and interviewed them about their sex life and i came to find out that most women weren't orgasming during penetration and there was like you know all this stuff so what have i learned is i've learned how to i have multiple orga so these are like my channel i could have so many orgasms before you couldn't i could have one right yeah i couldn't have i never had one with a partner and now i still never had one with a partner no no sorry not i wasn't as much maybe just a few times but during penetration it wasn't as easy let's just say it was it was but now i know exactly what i need to do and how to communicate it so i think i ca i got what i what i've learned is i'm just i'm better at everything communicating with my partners i used to just think that sex was about pleasing men like i thought it was about my partner's pleasure and if they were satisfied it didn't matter if i was satisfied and i've just i've learned all about my body i've learned i've done everything that that i tell people to do i've tried myself and i've worked through so just being more communicative more open more experiential um i won't yuck your young you know how someone won't yuck maya might like that's what we say in sex a lot like if i'm like oh i really like this if my partner's like i really want to be tied up i won't be like ew you know i'd be like oh okay tell me more about that because then we're just we already have so much shame and maybe trauma going into sex that we have to just be supportive loving partners so i think i'm a much better lover like giver and receiver i just i understand no one knows anatomy no one teaches us about anything you know so i just shut the guess and figure it out along the way right i mean sex education in america it's only 17 only 17 states require it to be medically accurate if they teach it at all i think i saw like one video when i was in middle school or something and that was it yeah it was probably horrifying like don't get someone pregnant don't get an std have a nice life yeah that's not that's that's it it's like okay figure it out but what if they taught pleasure what if they talk consent wow game changer how does a woman for women who maybe struggle having one organization how do they have multiple orgasms if they're thinking ah this is never going to happen for me never happened for you but then you learn how to do it what's the what's the process is it psychological is it everything sex is always everything it's always like psychological and emotional you need a good space and hormones like what time of month is it you know that's the other thing that we don't and i cover so much of this i mean i've done as you know like probably like you thousands and thousands of podcasts on all of these subjects but it's like so multiple orgasms for women here's the great news is that women have the clitoris right and the clitoris has eight thousand nerve endings twice that of a penis okay just take that information and the only reason it exists is for pleasure no yes it doesn't exist for any other reason no other reason to be pleased to be pleased well maybe to give us an incentive maybe with like you know evolutionary speaking so we would be into sex so we could have pleasure and an orgasm but also the the the clitoris isn't just about the little like bud at the opening of the vaginal opening it actually has legs called krua that extend behind the internally so they're sort of like where the labias they're sort of behind the labia internally so so for a woman to have an orgasm typically it's out external right like so they're going to use their fingers or they're going to use a toy or their partner is going to do something to them go down on them or and that's a great way to have a first orgasm and so our refractory period is a lot quicker than men refractory period mean time that you can get up and go again like for many men they ejaculate and they're like i'm out you're tired all the energy's gone done like tomorrow 24 hours like maybe saturday for women if we just just knowing this i love this because i just love to give women permission and i nothing again everyone's different but what i've found is that it's possible and so then maybe you have an orgasm whether you're with yourself or a partner and then you just continue to breathe and maybe you you for some women after they have a external or uh clitoral orgasm there they start to become their nerve endings inside their it's their becomes more gorgeous right more swollen with blood their labia their clitoris internally we start to swell because of the the erectile tissues and everything just starts to swell and you get more aroused but maybe it hurts to still cut you just want to need a beet so then you start to maybe this is when you go and play with the nipples or you start to play with your labia and you you know use lube use your fingers use a toy there is nothing shameful about toys it's just amazing think about it if you have eight thousand nerve writings like why not in all these pleasure zones on our body why not just play with temperature hot cold vibrations so anyway maybe bringing in a toy or touching yourself in a different area because once you've kind of lit that match of the clitoris of the clearling everything else is more aroused the blood's flowing you're like turned on and so maybe it's a matter of like rubbing your labia bringing in a toy putting a finger inside and then you're just breathing you're breathing through the experience and you're not already checked out because we talk about patterning a lot of women assume like i'm done i'm out let's go to dinner but if you give yourself time and permission to see what's possible it's like a game changer like i have people all the time i'd say everyone who's worked for me like i've had so many interns and people over the years sometimes like i'm having multiple orgasms oh yeah they still tech i guess what i had a vaginal like yeah i mean that's because i i be like get 50 pounds of sex toys in the office too a week and i'm like your job is to try this toy but they come in and they ask me questions i really really like them we don't we don't talk because we don't well first off not only don't we talk to our partners about it but we don't even talk to our friends about it women really women don't talk about it barely they're like i had sex i didn't have sex but now i think it's changing what i hope is it's changing and that more women are talking about masturbation but if you think about like american pie like all the movies growing up men are masturbating it's like a thing that they do but women good women like don't or or we grew up in a religion where it was shamed you're not supposed to masturbate so but but masturbation is the key is the key to figuring out your body what feels good like whether it's mindful or you hadn't quit it i don't care how you do it but masturbation is just important whether you're in a relationship or out of a relationship because that's so that's what i learned in 15 years i masturbated but i didn't really like do the discovery process and now i just sort of i get it i know like we are all walking around these incredible bodies with so much possibility and we just scratch the surface right we don't even know no one tells us why do you think religions or parents have made masturbation a bad thing for kids and people i mean religion i don't even mean that's just because you know i think control over women's bodies and energy and and it should only be for procreation and i mean there's i mean it goes back i think so much about sex and religion are tied up and you would know more than i would because i know you grew up in a i mean i don't know what you're let i mean i do i mean i do know i do know that it's just like it's control so saying that you can only have sex in a way that could have more kids are going to benefit the church or that you know that sex is sinful and wrong and i think if you go back to like adam and eve like eve was a temptress like she made him like bite the apple and that that's her fault right right so i feel like a lot of it goes back to shaming women and our bodies and the whole the goddess and the there's a lot of reasons why now parents though i could talk about we don't have to get into religion but parents what i can tell you is it's because they don't know either so they don't understand it so they're scared of it or they think it's wrong or oh god my kids when i try to talk to my 15 year old about sex they just go oh mom i don't want to hear it but like that's because we don't do it we don't ever talk about it but there's only there's a few countries like in the netherlands um not many where they they actually start teaching consent and sexism when kids are five they're not saying go out and have sex here's what you do it's like your body your temple consent here's the body parts they even teach them like in third grade if you start to get feelings for somebody with the opposite sex they talk about it they talk about orgasms normalize it they normalize it yeah they don't make it like a scary thing we make it really scary and so our parents are parents of kids or they don't understand either but i've had a lot of great breakthroughs a lot of my listeners are like i finally did it i talked to my daughter i talked to my son it was weird but because it's okay for a parent to say you know what my parents didn't talk to me about it this conversation is uncomfortable for me too and i'm still discovering and learning but um i want to tell you like here's how your body works or i want to listen to this podcast read this book together let's learn together it's not shameful you know it's just we're setting kids up not for success we're not setting them up for success yeah sex sex success sex us what's one thing you wish men would understand about their female partner uh more and one thing you wish women would understand about their if they're in a female male relationship it's a good question that would help them thrive better and and be more compassionate and loving and such a good question okay one thing i think that men i want to tell men that she comes first there's two things that popped in my head literally she goes first literally she comes first there was a wonderful book written by dr ian kerner i think it just had its 20-year anniversary and it's called she comes first because men are going to orgasm and then they're done they're done yeah women are think of it this way women are slow cookers and men are frying pans you get aroused you're ready to go women have more of a responsive desire a spot we respond we need to be warmed up you got to heat us up foreplay foreplay's not just like a light suggestion it's actually a requirement for many women again we're all different but we want to whether it's even words or i needed a massage or a bath for like we have to take a while to get warmed up so i would say that um figure out so that's just i mean she comes first is it is because you're gonna it's gonna come back to you like the more that you understand her body she's gonna come back she's not gonna be like oh i'm not gonna please you and i think just the way you look at this is this is where i can say that we are very different the way we get aroused is different for men and women so i would say um the one thing i want you to know is that she's you got to focus on you know i think i would yeah i mean that's what else you guys think is a lot better yeah just yeah focus on her first and then find out like what what turns her on and talk about it okay so for women i think for women what do women what do men want and need more from women that you're hearing they're not getting i think that men need more attention they want you to this is again we're talking heterosexual relationships they want to know that you're into sex they want you to initiate they want you to lead sometimes and they want you to to be you know i guess i'm just thinking about men who come to me usually it's about their penis they're worried about their penis size they're going through all the things and then the pro yeah they're worried about they're so ben worries so much about their penis yes really yes and i'm telling you that women do not it's because i remember what i said not about your penis if you're a good lover and you do all these things it's really not about that so i think that what men need is i think they want to know that their partner's into sex it's that she's not just doing it to get it over with that she's actually enthusiastic and then she cares and she cares about his pleasure and and that sometimes maybe she'll you know initiate or have ideas about it or what do you think i'm trying to think that's a great question because mostly it's about men worried about themselves themselves but they need attention from women enthusiasm and participation i think so yeah i mean i'm trying to think i mean i feel i feel pretty good in my relationship right now i'm trying to think of past relationships that weren't working sexually maybe but and i've also not been like married in a long term after you know a few years in a relationship so i'm not sure what that looks like 10 years down the road once you've had kids and what the needs are i feel like they're going to shift a lot of time yeah but that's why i want people to get ahead of it because if sex talking about sex becomes just like you're talking about where are we going on our summer vacation how are we going to raise our kids what religion what are our values sex becomes part of it so it's not awkward it's just like oh baby we haven't had sex or what let's do like you just it just becomes part of everything like when you're not feeling like you're taking care of yourself nutritionally you're like i gotta get better i gotta eat more greens you know so that's i feel like we could get ahead of it if we covered that we don't wait until there's a crisis is there anything we shouldn't say when we're courting someone uh in the first few weeks of dating them is there anything we should not talk about when it comes to sex should we not say in the first night you know this is my sexual fantasy are you either in or it depends on the partner i think that sometimes okay so where we're at now and today in 2020 i think that since i'm telling you that most people have never talked about sex and they probably have some judgment around it and shame and it's hard for them or trauma that if you just met someone and you're out for a first date you're like i just want to be clear that i this is my fantasy and i'm really into bondage are you down now that might okay so it could go two ways you might it might be great because if you're with someone who freaks out and she runs out the door it's good listen she's saving you a lot of time if you brought it up it's probably because that's something you really need but i think like everything it's like some people have like over share they do too much i just think baby steps is okay so i think it's okay to say you know are you someone that do you like pleasure do you like sex do you you know but i don't know that you lead just like i don't think on the first date i should get into all my like trauma my childhood stuff like let's get to it's not like you know what i'm saying we want to bait like everything you got to like get to know somebody yeah but i don't know what it wouldn't be but i think i think i think mostly we don't even talk about it this is the problem that we i don't know what you shouldn't say i hate to like tell people i don't know i think you got to feel it out be honest yeah you got to feel it out but don't wait too long i think that right when you have sex up with someone is the time to start talking about it so how was that what do you think like what would you like more of do you want yeah it's not like seemed like when we were having sex you're about to orgasm but did you a much tell me what you like what feels good to you did you like when i was doing that not in the bedroom this is like the next morning at breakfast not right after was that for you i thought it was so hot when you were doing this thing and that felt like it felt good did that feel good i mean just but not in the bed right at five minutes afterwards no i promise someone's gonna get hurt or emotionally so i think they do they do i mean i know so but i mean it depends if you're in a long-term solid place you guys get to decide i'm just giving you what i've seen worked over all these years we've got amazing show sex with emily that talks about all these things and has lots of great questions from listeners calling in you also have a master class master class yeah that just came out that people need to get so yeah we have a couple's course coming out in february it's called i it's i don't know what it's called yet but it's really like all these conversation starters for couples it's exercises for couples too wherever you're at it's a lot of things i'm talking about like to set the spark like it's first uncovering your roadblocks like what are the three areas where you're not communicating clearing those out and then you get i walk you through how to communicate about sex it's just had all these different steps in it there's it's like my best stuff in there i'm very excited about it i don't have a title for you it is it is but also on my site right now which we have a bunch of downloadables guides and quizzes yeah all free your stuff's free at your site sex with emily.com the podcast has sex with them when we need the master class what's the math class called it's called emily morris teaches sex and communication let's bring it and then i have a show on siriusxm five nights a week which is separate you're a machine machine five to seven pm monday through friday it's live it's the only call and show for with about sex i mean about anything then you have a podcast that's different yeah wow busy it might be different when this comes i mean who knows what happened but yeah we negotiate my contract's up so i'm like trying to figure it out yeah but lots of things over at sex with emily.com you can get access to that i've got a couple final questions for you okay and people can also email me with questions feedback get sex feedback they get on your show by asking questions somewhere yeah they can call in and call them they call into my serious show and then now we also do it so just call in and or email me they call into sirius and then we can put that as soon as we put those into the podcast something just go to my website and you'll see how you do it but they can call or email our social media you know i get hundreds of questions a day everywhere that's fun super fun that's fun i love my job couple what do you wish more people asked you that they don't ask you about sex huh it's a good question what do i wish what's the thing people should be asking more of that that's that's a great way to put it i think that people should be asking about i wish that people got more curious sometimes we just put people always calling like my partner blaming others and i wish that people got more curious look at the mirror first yeah i wish people got more curious about themselves and they weren't trying to fix other people but they were like he won't do this she doesn't do this they don't do this it's like yeah take a look at the mirror exactly yeah yeah i wish we started there and i wish that people just thought more about their own pleasure because if we all understand our bodies we're much better lovers to each other that's good uh this question is called the three truths i ask everyone at the end this question so it's a hypothetical question imagine it's your last day on earth many years away from now uh you get to live as long as you want to live but then at one point you got to turn the lights out and you got to go to the next place and you've accomplished everything you want to accomplish you've transformed millions of lives sexually in their relationships you've done all the books the podcasts everything you want to do it's happened uh but for whatever reason you've got to take all of your content with you all of your written word audio video it has to go to the next place so no one has access to any more of this information none of it it's gone hypothetical okay okay uh but you get to leave behind three things you know to be true from the lessons you've learned in life three lessons that you would share with the world based on your experience what would you say those three things for you mm-hmm about my work the three things about just about life like three lessons you've learned in life yeah what are the three biggest lessons you've learned that you would want to leave behind this is hard uh wherever you go there you are can you have any of you like things like that like uh that's not my own but it's just about wait you're saying it's about me i just feel like that's the thing like you try to pull like a geographic and move around that like lessons in your life like wherever you yeah are we are the same you know figure out your own stuff where you're at yeah um mindfulness works meditation works like don't [ __ ] around just do it to me that is a game changer and that so much if you your mind will control you if you don't learn to understand your mind that's true that's powerful okay number three i would just be able to prioritize their pleasure really like like pleasure pleasure is your birthright and we all deserve to have pleasure and we we prioritize so many other things work family home and usually we put ourselves last so that's a good one i've never heard that one prioritize your pleasure it's my mission statement yeah that's great pleasure positive prioritize your pleasure i'm all about pleasure because we don't especially now we need more pleasure and we we're like well i'll get to that once i finish this and what then i deserve sex or then i deserve it give me pleasure however you look at it but i would say uh prioritize your pleasure and um yeah because it matters and if we don't have that then we're just [ __ ] working and dead we're just dead we're put that fetch one should be first that should be the first one yeah yeah well if you were feel good when you're more pleasure in your life whatever that is yeah like what does that look like for you you know just yeah i think of just joy in general like having a joyful life is pleasure for me it doesn't have to be sexual but that's nice too i'm not just talking about because you said not just sex right yeah yeah i could give you my three sex lessons but those i think i already did sure this is great though uh one final question for you emily before i ask you i want to acknowledge you for a moment for the mission you're on i think so many people are suffering from her a lack of sex education a lack of sexual healing uh sexual shame sexual misunderstanding and just hurt and pain around sex and the fact that you've dedicated your life to this for 15 years and you show up every week for men and women and all human beings to help them solve this problem is such a massive gift and so even though uh this isn't something that we talk about a lot on the podcast i thought it was necessary to to have you here and really help people even if this helps one person listening it's worth it for unlocking their shame or their pain to having some type of healing and i know there's a famous song sexual healing but it's you know it's it's important for people that have been locked in a prison of their sexual shame so i acknowledge you for making the uncomfortable more comfortable wait it wasn't so bad for yeah for uh being able to communicate it in ways that people can understand it for be able to create tools and trainings and free things and podcasts and shows and classes so people can consume it and i think it's great that you're that you're doing it so i appreciate that thank you lewis of course of course thanks for having me i'm super proud about you and all the work you're doing too people love you you are inspiring so many people and you do the same exact stuff but if you know around around everything i love the way you interview too it's just very listenable and there's always you're just you're patient you're good at this stuff i appreciate it i appreciate it i appreciate it um but can i say one more thing you could get this or not you were saying about hopefully this will help one person i'm gonna say that i think that since we don't look at this part i believe that when we heal ourselves sexually whatever that looks like we will heal so many other parts of our life sometimes we think that there's other things wrong but we are we are holding on to stuff and once we kind of get into it and that's why the master class is great for that or by say whatever podcast you'll realize that like this was the problem all along but since no one's pointing it out they're like i should change my diet like what about how what's your relationship to yourself and your body and your self-image and and once you heal that you know more pleasure that's good yeah uh final question for you what's your definition of greatness oh my definition of greatness is um be kind and work hard and stick with stick with your beliefs surround yourself with good people communicate your mission give as much as you receive in fact give more than you receive that's a great great greatness good person there you go emily morris thank you so much appreciate it thank you for having me appreciate it it's good to see you if you're looking for more greatness in your life make sure to check out this video right here and also check out our free pdf the three secrets to unlock the power of your mind to help you change your life download it right here i want to be the most understanding compassionate loving partner i can be who doesn't inhibit or limit my partner who supports them

Channel: Lewis Howes

Views: 306,402

Rating: 4.780323 out of 5

Keywords: Lewis Howes, Lewis Howes interview, school of greatness, self help, self improvement, self development, personal development, success habits, success, wealth, motivation, inspiration, inspirational video, motivational video, success principles, millionaire success habits, how to become successful, success motivation, Emily morse interview, emily morse ted talk, emily morse podcast, emily morse impaulsive, build sexual desire, relationship tips, relationship advice, love advice

Id: 9SibHnwpV_E

Length: 75min 28sec (4528 seconds)

Published: Wed Feb 24 2021