5 STEPS To Master The ART OF SEDUCTION Today! | Robert Greene & Lewis Howes

you have to buy into the fact that you're usually bad at dealing with people you're not seeing who they are you're seeing reflections of your own your own fantasies or projections you have to admit that you're not good at dealing with people and you need to improve if you understand that and you want to change and you're motivated to get out of your shell then [Music] how do we understand the strength of someone's character whether they're toxic whether they're they have high values besides this you know the things that we can see of like okay they broke their word or they're negative or things like that how do we really determine someone's character well the first thing you have to do the most important thing is to realize that determining people's character is the most important thing that you have to do in judging them so normally we think if someone's very charming that that's great or if they're really good looking or if they're very successful so if we're looking let's say we're looking for a business partner or a romantic partner or a colleague to work with we're going to base our decision on those kinds of appearances like people can be very good at deceiving you with being very charming and flattering or they have a brilliant resume and you'll be seduced by that and what you want to do the first step in that law is to say no that's not how i'm going to judge people my main value is their character and the strength of their character and character is something from deep deep deep within the word character comes from the greek khairos which means to carve and character is something really deeply carved inside the person it's who they are at their core it creates patterns of behavior that they can't even really control it's who they are genetically it's who they are from the early values of their parents so you want to connect to that you want to see that it's not immediately visible to you because people will disguise their character you want to see that you want to value it more than anything else and what you want are people with strong character and what that means is people they have an expression for metal they call it tensile where a metal is stronger if it can give a little bit and it because if something is too rigid if it breaks it breaks so you want people who are adaptable who can be fluid who aren't weak because that metal isn't weak who have an inner strength and a core to them but they can bend they can learn they can adapt they can change you want to see people um who are empathetic you know who who know how to get along with other people so if you have two people to choose and one has a glittering resume but the other person understands human nature and is superior in a social sense and can also has a good work ethic you choose that other person you don't choose necessarily the person with that glittering resume um and so the one one of the things you look for are patterns in people in judging their character because people reveal themselves in the past they reveal who they are through their actions they try and disguise it but they reveal it so i say in that chapter nobody ever does anything once so let's say you have a friend who does something kind of nasty to you they talk behind your back then they'll say oh robert robert that was just something came over that isn't me you know i'm sorry about that that just happened circumstances made me do that and you'll be likely to believe them but the fact is if they've done that once they've probably done it many times if people gossip and you hear them gossiping about other people they'll probably eventually gossip about you so you want to be able to look at people's patterns and look at their past and see trends and understand that if they've done certain things in the past they will continue to do them because we humans have compulsive behavior we are compelled to repeat the same mistakes over and over and over again how do we how do we um stop that pattern if we recognize it within ourselves my character's been off i've been doing something you know for years a certain way that i don't want to do anymore how do we do it so we can strengthen our character but also say you know what i believe this other person can have a stronger character through breaking a pattern or is it just not possible of course it's possible at the end of every chapter i show you how you can turn this potentially negative quality into a positive quality so when it comes to you and your own patterns you have to first realize that you have these patterns before you can even begin to break them so awareness yeah honesty this book about awareness and being honest with yourself if you don't admit that you have these patterns then you can't possibly break them i know in writing books i have two terrible terrible patterns like what well stressing so much over things that aren't that important obsessing stressing obsessing um i take note cards for everything that i read all my research and i take way too much too much information i have like thousands of them writing i have to stop and i say stop being so such a perfectionist it's it's like you're wasting your time it's been book after book after book i'm very aware of it and i'm very aware of breaking that pattern but you have to see it and be honest with yourself in order to break it you know right so that's the first step is is seeing the pattern and then not struggling against it not trying to be somebody who you're not but find a way to use that pattern to use that problem to your advantage similar to what ryan holliday wrote in his book the obstacle is the way i have an example in the book of an actress joan crawford from the hollywood classical period and she had a very troubled childhood didn't know her father her mother beat her men abused her etc and she managed to take and it was creating terrible patterns in her life and she found a way to turn that around to use all of those disadvantages and make them make herself much stronger and very powerful perform by bringing all of the pain in her childhood into her acting by becoming so focused on the director because she had been abused she was very sensitive to other people she used that sensitivity to focus on the director and other actors to be in tune with them to connect with them to build a relationship essentially yeah she was very aware of her own weaknesses and her own fragility and she was able to use that as a strength um so with other people it's never hopeless i mean some people are toxic i talk a lot of they're about toxic characters people those are the kinds of people who can't really change their patterns are too ingrained and we've all met people like that we've all had to deal with the narcissist who's so deeply self-absorbed there's nothing that's ever going to save them or pull them out of that that's self-absorption unless they have like a near-death experience or they have someone close to them that's true you know something that's true big awakening that's true or they get sick or whatever right you're right that happens that does happen sometimes sometimes it does but you have to be honest that there are people out there you can't be naive there are people out there who are toxic who are dangerous who can ruin your life you hire the wrong person and i've dealt with a lot of in my consulting with a lot of people who hired a business partner who ended up sort of taking the business from them very common scenario you have to not be naive and recognize these toxic types and often it's best not to try and change them because trying to change them entangles you in a lot of their drama and it just it's just never going to happen you might be trying for years and wasting your time and energy but you know people have to be able to to change themselves you know they have to be motivated you can help illuminate some of their patterns and their problems but it has to come from within yeah now you talk about the law of self-sabotage yeah and you know we could self-sabotage ourselves by attracting toxic people but also what are other ways that we sabotage ourselves well um it's this is a chapter about your attitude in life right and um the point of that chapter is related to human nature is none of us see the world in the same way so you and i could go watch a movie it's the same movie that we're watching i love it i see something you hate it you see something else you don't experience it the same way we're watching the same world the same reality but we experience it differently everybody you meet is experiencing their world differently than you are so you have an attitude that colors what you see and some people have an attitude that tends towards the negative and i describe a negative attitude to something that's closed so you're not open to new experience you're trying to close that lens you once you have certain beliefs certain ideas about life and you're not willing to change them right because that gives you a sense of security and so you want an attitude that's expansive where you accept people you're not always judging them you're not negative about them you understand that people that can't necessarily help who they are um you're open to change you're open to being to having adventure and that kind of attitude kind of gives you a certain degree of freedom so that the worst thing that happened to you and you're able to transform that into something good so um your question was how do we recognize when we're sabotaging ourselves and what's the things we do most to self-sabotage well um if we have a setback or a failure in life which is inevitable do we do one of two things do we analyze ourselves and see what we did wrong and how we could change ourselves or do we immediately look outward and blame other people that person screwed me society doesn't like me because of these circumstances i'm i'm screwed and i can never help it it's the world it's not me that's a self-sabotaging pattern of behavior because if you're always pointing fingers at other people and blaming them you're never going to learn from your experiences and you're going to end up being quite bitter so that's probably one of the most the main sources of a self-sabotaging so you could easily say this stupid bee that stung my neck that caused this blood clot and this high pressure in me i blame the bee for this you know stroke that i had screw you b or you could take responsibility and say well what did i do to my health leading up to the bee sting you know for years and taking full ownership and responsibility that's what i'm hearing yeah that's what you're hearing yeah that the the story and the perception around the experience the way you see that movie playing out well having a positive attitude around it and being and reflecting about you the role that you played and what happened so we can't we're not in charge of everything that happens in life there are circumstances that are beyond our control right but a lot of what does happen to us is something that we do that we are responsible for there are amazing studies about the role of attitude and what happens to you in life so they have this thing called the pygmalion effect teachers who treat a student as if they are smart and going to do well those students end up doing well right so how you treat people how you think about yourself has a great impact on what happens to you when doctors prescribe a new medication there's always the same trend that when a new medication has been invented the success rate is like 80 percent because people believe in it because it's new and then like two years later it starts going down because it's not yeah it's a placebo effect so if you believe something is going to work if you believe that you are great and you you deserve good things that you are a good student you will end up making those things happen so how you look at yourself will often determine what ends up happening to yourself so if you're talking about what what causes self-sabotage if you go through life thinking god i'm not really that good you know there's something wrong with me i don't really deserve good things i don't deserve to have a lot of success or to have a lot of money people read that off of you a major theme in this book is that we are masters at reading people's body language and nonverbal behavior so when somebody feels that they don't deserve things it's kind of an off-putting quality in them and it pushes people away so you create self-fulfilling dynamics by how you look at yourself and your attitude i had a chapter in the the 48 laws of power called think like a king to be treated like one and there's a story of christopher columbus who came from dirt poor poverty but imagined that he was royalty and by imagining that people started treating him like that and as they treated him like that he felt even more kind of greater about himself and he was able to to convince the king of portugal to give him these ships when in fact he was sort of a mediocre ad captain so your attitude and how you think about yourself sort of determine how people treat you and what happens in life yeah i you know i always say that we're either you know life's an enrollment game and we're either enrolling people in our vision or unenrolling people by the way we're showing up our energy our language what do you mean by enrolling i'm enrolling you to come on my show yeah and getting you to come on my show because of the energy i put out the relationship we have and the connection the platform or i'm unenrolling you by by the way i've treated you over the last six or seven years but yeah the platform being out of integrity or not doing that well you're not going to be as excited to want to say yes yeah you know we're we're influencing people all the time you are influencing people right yes everything you do people are reading and they're either saying i like that or i don't like yeah or i'm indifferent yeah yes it's like i'm enrolling you yes or i'm not enrolling you as a no and you talk about the you know the chapter that i really like is um about seven number seven where are we out here where am i out here where are they people's resistance no okay where are we at the person the persuasive one yeah seven is that one yeah right here the five strategies to becoming a master persuader that this one yeah right here seven yeah well you louis don't need to read that chapter because you already have that kind of mastered but i think people need to understand this yeah because i think what we just talked about right there is probably one of the most powerful parts of this whole book in my mind and in life is are you enrolling people in your vision in in being the king or queen and getting the ships that you want are you are you stepping up and enrolling people and getting people to say yes to you yeah or your dreams or hire you or date you or marry you yeah or are you not showing up in a way that people want to say yes to you right and i feel like key question my whole business has been built on getting people to say yes when i had nothing you know i was on my sister's couch ten years ago yeah no money yeah no skills no degree and it was an energy that i had to learn how to just get people to say yes and yeah more and then building momentum around that um so i'd love to talk about this becoming a master persuader and the first thing you talk about is which i think most people aren't doing you say is to deepen your listening and get a better listener most people don't have the patience to care about someone else they're so concerned about what they think about them well people always talk about being a a better listener and their advice is usually very weak i mean it doesn't ineffective because okay i've become a better listener yeah i'll try that but it's very hard to overcome certain patterns so i try to tackle the question of why is it that you're not a good listener and at the root of that is you're more interested in yourself than you are in the other person you won't deny that you will say oh no no that's not me that's not me i really like people but the truth is you're more interested in your own thoughts and your own ideas things that you're so certain about your own experiences than about that other person and what they're saying what's going on inside them if you can flip that around if you can actually feel the motivation to get inside louis and get inside his head in his experience then you will suddenly will become a better listener that's the key not just telling people to listen more the key is the quality of the listening and the emotion involved so if i feel i want to get inside that other person inside their life then suddenly you will start listening what will make you interested in other people well first off is the idea you don't know them normally when you're let's say you're on a first date with someone or you're just meeting someone you have assumptions about them you create a simplified version of who they are and that's what you think you know and that'll stay with you forever instead you want to think that person is more interesting than i imagine i their first appearance isn't really who they are they're like a book that i could read we love going to movies and getting inside other characters and what motivates them being taken along for a ride think of the people that you meet in life as a character in a movie you want to know what motivates them they are more interesting than you think they've had traumas they've had problems from their early childhood they have fantasies they have a shadow a dark side to their personality they're not revealing they're more complicated and interesting than you think so if you're motivated to understand what makes them tick their experience suddenly you will start listening yeah so that's the key to me and it's not easy why is it so hard for people because for me it's it's been an easy thing because i've used my insecurity of not feeling like i was smart enough growing up because i was one of the poorest students in school yeah so i was like my voice doesn't matter as much let me just ask smart people what they think right and it became a huge advantage for me right because i've learned that being the most interested person in the room you become the most interesting well the key is really so much in the book is are you motivated to change yourself do you want to become successful in life this book is trying to realign your priorities and how you look at the world normally your focus is on yourself and on your work and the techniques in your work you know the the skills you have to master and i'm telling you the key to success in life is people we're a social animal you know we're like dogs or wolves or whatever chimpanzees we're a social animal and how we interact with people will determine how far we get you can be brilliant at hacking computers or whatever but if you're terrible with people your life is going to be hell so you are you motivated to become somebody supremely skilled at understanding and working at peop with people that's the whole point of the book you have to buy into that you have to buy into the fact that you're usually bad at dealing with people you're not seeing who they are you're seeing reflections of your own your own fantasies or projections you have to admit that you're not good at dealing with people and you need to improve if you're that if you understand that and you want to change and you're motivated to get out of your shell then you can make that leap i'm a big advocate of baby steps you're not going to suddenly transform yourself into bill clinton overnight right right remember every thousands of people's names and yeah or suddenly become a great listener so every day you give yourself little tests so you have now lunch with this person who you normally find kind of boring all right for ten minutes i'm gonna i'm gonna shut off my internal model and i'm gonna force myself to listen to them and i'm gonna glean some information some nugget about their character that i never understood before i'm going to ask them about their childhood i'm not going to be like cl it's it's not going to be that kind of inquisition where i'm asking them you know penetrating questions but in a relaxed mood i'm going to find out about something that that really motivates them or something deep or some traumatic experience they had you force yourself day by day to take little baby steps in which you try to learn something about people that you didn't know before yeah and get interested in them in their experiences [Music] what do you think is the greatest skill or a couple skills that any 20 to 30 year old kind of in their 20s should be learning how to master today from the skills of psychology the skills of human nature the skills of understanding people which skill should that be the the the best thing is to be able to get inside the minds of other people if you develop that skill the sky's the limit nothing will ever stop you because people are like a mystery they wear a mask and you don't have any idea what they're thinking and i have this metaphor in human nature which i never wrote but imagine a device was created in which some app that you could not know the thoughts and feelings of the other person do you know the power you would have um be insane okay you're not i can't give you such an app i can't invent that but you can develop half of that power by becoming someone of insane empathy and it's not easy and not everybody's born the same way but it begins with one very simple step and that is normally you go around more interested in your own thoughts and ideas you're thinking about your boss you're thinking about your girlfriend or boyfriend you're thinking about this person who said this that or the other and you're locked in your head and it's like a record like in the old final days going around and round around the same grooves right and even when you're sitting there talking with someone on a date or something you're thinking about yourself you're still in there right because you find yourself more interesting than the other person and it's very human and i'm not judging it but inevitably you think your own dramas your own ideas your own problems are essentially more interesting than the other person so if that's the that's your starting position you're naturally going to be more absorbed in yourself you can just switch it around and you tell yourself the other person is more interesting than me their life their thoughts their ideas it's like an undiscovered world it's like going to tahiti or something and visiting another culture they have experiences you've never had they have a world that's not your world it's fascinating why do people love movies they love movies because they get to go inside other people's characters and they get to vicariously live in them it's voyeurism you can have that in everyday life if you switch that thing where you're more interested in other people and so when you listen to them you're not listening with the idea of do they like me are they thinking about me what does it have to do with me i'm sorry using that voice please you know blah blah blah blah kind of a windy voice what's it about me me me thinking just in a zen way absorb yourself in their words and their energy and think about what what they're saying what's the subtext behind them what's the body language revealing what is it that motivates them what is their inner life like i can't get inside lewis howe's thoughts it's impossible but i can get inside your moods and emotions because we humans are very susceptible to the moods of other people we can feel them so i can start to if i'm open enough i can understand the tone in your voice i can understand the subtext of what you're saying and i could pick up the emotion behind it and what you're intending and once i do that well then if someone says something i don't have to take it personally because now i understand that it probably comes from other things that have nothing to do with me yeah or i want them i want to persuade them to help me on a project well now i know what their world is like what their spirit is what their problems are i'm going to mold what i'm saying to plea to get them interested in my idea doors open up to you left right side the whole universe opens up to you once you put you're able to put yourself in the mindset and the point of view of other people enter their spirit that's the single greatest step you can have so you're about to start your first job and you're all insecure and you're all worried about you and what people think about you try and make it's not easy it's not natural try and make that switch and don't think about yourself and try and figure out what is your boss like what is he or she what are they what is motivating them what are their insecurities what are their doubts what is this person feeling that and suddenly you're going to navigate this social environment in a much different level i love this this is powerful i think so to get in the minds of other people would be the greatest skill by far and the way to do that i'm hearing you say is through empathy through asking interesting questions through listening no it's taking this one step which is other people are more interesting than me i love going to see movies that other person is like hannibal lecter i'm sorry that's not that's not a good choice sure could be but or they're like this other character in some other movie i don't know choose whichever one you want right beetlejuice there you go okay wow that was a long time ago yeah i'm just thinking of a fascinating character they're like that they have a they have stories they have drama right their childhood was probably weird they come from a culture from a city from a background that's not your city or background and to try and understand it now some people are harder to do that with than others there are people out there who are like just total you don't really want to have to get into the world right you feel like you're getting yourself taking a shower of mud or something or excrement or whatever you don't want to get into the world but even then it pays if you've got a psychotic boss it pays to get inside their mind so that you can don't take things personally so you can understand where they come from so even with horrible people being able to understand who they are will will prevent you from taking everything personally so having the understanding that other people are more interesting than me having that framework in your mind allows you to look at them differently or as interesting right they have stories to tell they have a life that's that's fascinating they're like a character in the movie i want to understand it and asking questions allows you to understand it you have to be careful with questions because if you're so obvious if you're going tell me about that yeah so did you did you love your mother did your father yeah yeah yeah so how do we get to know them without being intrusive well it's an art so um you know people love to talk about their childhood right and their successes and yeah yeah but i found like childhood is the main thing everyone has this kind of emotional attachment to their experiences as a child to where they grew up to their parents to their family to their earliest friends it's got all sorts of emotions surrounding it that are very potent and uncontrollable so a very kind of slip in question about someone's childhood and then asking a few leading questions and letting them do the talking so if you're peppering them with questions you look like a lawyer or someone who's or someone like me who just interviews people for a living right so you want them to do 90 percent of the 90 that it's obvious what you're doing 80 or so people love to talk right if they do 70 of the talking they're not even aware that they're doing that but you're letting them talk you letting them be the star but you find a foothold into their what excites them and you get them to talk and open up about their childhood and then occasionally a question and then occasionally you go into your own life to sort of show oh yeah you had that i had something very kind of similar mirroring people is a slightly manipulative trick i don't adopt that and i talk about that in seduction but it's very powerful they start telling you things about their childhood that are powerful you go yeah i had something very similar and you probably have had something similar yeah that's a really potent way of connecting to people but you've got to be subtle it's an art to getting people to talk and open up to finding that thing that lights their face up that gets them excited you know mm-hmm yeah i think uh the book influenced by chaldini i don't know if you've studied that book but just likeability allows you to is one of his main i think it's seven or eight keys of influence but he talks about likability and the more someone can see that they like you through mirroring or through yeah we have one thing in common makes them like you more so finding that commonality social proof there's like a bunch of other things i can't remember all seven of them but yeah likeability is one of the biggest things it's one of the reasons why i'm just always trying to have fun and just be playful and kind of ease the moment for people so they can feel like oh this is relaxing and fun and playful well i must admit that's why you're a good interviewer and i know that because i've had i've been with many bad interviewers who are kind of tense and nervous and defensive and they're insecure right and they make you feel that way and you but you have an energy that kind of brings out that part of at least for me that's good yeah that likes to yammer how does someone not be insecure an interviewer a someone trying to get a job when they're doing an interview with their potential boss when you're with someone who's you're inspired by or higher status or not on a influenced position how do you not be insecure or nervous okay one simple answer i mean there might be exceptions but it's pretty simple do your homework be prepared so if you go into an interview you're naturally nervous but if you've prepared prepare the out of it you research that person you know who they are you know what the company is like you know what the position is why the other person was fired what they're going to need from you you're going to feel a lot less insecure and if you just kind of go in and wing it right okay so if you're on any kind of project i talked in the war book about alfred hitchcock the film director and my wife is a film director it's a nerve-wracking task you've got an army of 80 people who are all ge and insecure and ego ridden etc they're all secretly hoping you fail so they can be the director yeah okay it's a nightmare right and hitchcock would like people were astonished she'd be on the set she'd be falling asleep oh oh really okay yeah yeah go ahead he was like buddha he didn't care he was never upset or anything people how could that be directors are the most nervous bitter people they're so control freaks it's because he prepared every detail he knew beforehand he knew every shot that he wanted what the clothes look like what the colors how the framing would be he's storyboarded in exact detail and he said that by the time the film was being shot i was bored because i knew everything that how it was supposed to be so he could be calm because he was so well prepared so if you do your homework it's maybe not going to get rid of all your insecurities and all your nervousness because the degree of nervousness is okay because you have to understand the physiology adrenaline is a very powerful emotion and feeling a little bit of doubt and a little bit of fear will drive you and keep your eye keep you awake and alert so you don't want to be so confident that you'll just do anything you want a little bit of tenseness yeah but if you prepare and you and you've anticipated the situation it will get rid of 80 of those doubts that you have we were talking about before and i have a couple of questions for you we're talking about before self-doubt before we started recording and i'm curious your thoughts on doubt doubting ourselves and how do we train our minds or our bodies or our life so that doubt doesn't keep us from accomplishing with what we want or keep us from trying something we want because i think a lot of people don't do something because they doubt themselves so much from the fear of failure or the fear of success or people judging them what's your thoughts on this well the main thing is is you have to try something you have to do something right and of course if you're full of doubt and insecurities it's going to be very hard and so what separates the person who is going to learn is on the way to success from somebody who won't will be that person who's 22 23 they tries it they do it they take that job and they write that thing or they do that whatever it is that the other person maybe wouldn't try because they're not afraid of failing right so a certain level of you can't control that because some people are born that way i don't know if they're born that way but something about them in their dna has given them that drive but if you don't have that drive if you have your insecurities understand pain is a very powerful motivating factor but if you're 22 and you don't try something you don't feel the pain so why not and then you're 23 then you're 24 you're not 15. then you're 28 you're still not feeling then you're 32 you're starting to feel a little depressed and you're 35 man and you're 40 you're picking up the bottle you know okay so understand that you're 22 that life is very difficult and that you're gonna you're done a path towards something really really bad unless you get your act together and try that first thing because what happens people have studied fear and it's very important and i know back in 2001 i was in vienna austria and i was watching i was in a theater i was in the middle of this this very packed audience and there was a fire and people were panicking and running around and i got such a sense of claustrophobia it killed i was like aha and from then on i couldn't get on an airplane i couldn't get in an elevator i was like developing major claustrophobia right and then i went i saw a therapist and she said you got to expose yourself you got to go back in that elevator that's so true you got to go back into that airplane and then you realize it's not so bad and you'll get over it but avoiding it you'll never get over the fear so take that first step do whatever it is that you thought you couldn't do and don't be afraid because that is the most important moment in your life and then you realize it's not so bad okay people are making fun of me i failed but they never tried anything i at least tried it and i have an idea for my next but it wasn't so bad you know but if you never make that first step i don't care the wisdom of solomon won't be able to help you right you'll always be stopping before you can so you've got to be have the guts to make that first step and then the doors will open for you it's what i'm hearing you say is it's an experiential event it's not a theory of okay let me think my way out of the fear the insecurity of the doubt it's like no i have to practice this and experience the feeling of i failed or someone laughed at me or i tripped and fell whatever it is you've got to experience it you have a good way of summarizing what i'm saying because you said it better than i did well this is something i've been fascinated by because i think so many people are doubt themselves and their doubt is what keeps them from going after what they want getting into the relationship they want getting out of the relationship they want you know getting the job all these things and they're afraid of failure they're afraid of success and they're afraid of people's opinions or judgment when they take this action and i i tell people that the simplest thing you can do is write a list of your biggest fears and insecurities circle the top one the one that scares you the most and then do that until you feel at peace with it or at least so you can embrace it essentially become batman of that fear right and live with the bats of that fear that insecurity where then it becomes a powerful thing for you and this is what i did in my teens and 20s from being terrified of public speaking and i went to public squeezing class every single week until i felt like wow i feel powerful up here not powerless right and i did it with so many different things that i was insecure about until they became skills as opposed to fears and insecurities i think and so i love that you said you've got to expose yourself to the fear you've got to re-go into the elevator go back to that theater that had the fire right and breathe and feel comfortable so you can live your life and then we go back to the thought about you know that question could it have been worse yeah well think of it this way if you don't try that thing it's going to be a lot worse for you down the road you're going to never get anywhere and and you're going to the pain will be intense in 15 years you're not feeling it now but have that hindsight to realize that the worst thing in life the worst feeling of all is to see that you wasted your potential that you had dreams and you never even tried them and then you're in your 50s your 60s you're facing death why was i alive i didn't do it i could have done this that or that never even tried remind yourself of that you know they used to have emperors in in ancient rome would have a slave walking by them and whispering into their ear you're going to die you're immortal you might die tomorrow you might die tomorrow right and that was like a reminder of their mortality and they had to not get so up wasn't wasn't that a story from marcus aurelius where he had someone talk to him and say you're just a man or something or might be was that who was i can't remember but someone had someone just say every day you're just a man right the more powerful he became yeah to kind of keep him more grounded right you're just a man or you're going to die or just have that whisper you're going to fail you're going to you're going to be you're not going to realize your dreams you're going to waste your life you're wasting your life you're wasting your life you're wasting your life you don't want to feel that way i know like it's hard it's i'm coming from a position of privilege and i don't deny that sure but i was not i didn't have anybody help me i all my success was pretty much on my own i worked really hard but i can tell you this that prior to my success i was really unhappy i was really unhappy i was very depressed i even had moments i was suicidal i felt like i could do something but i wasn't able to do it and then the ability to like write my books now i don't have that feeling anymore and it's the greatest thing in the world to not ever feel like you know that that doubt and that depression it's like a constant exhilaration it's amazing i i finished it i wrote that book i did it you know i i can feel good about myself and i want other people to understand that you may not it doesn't have to be a grand project but it has to be something that makes you feel like you know because when you're a child you have these dreams everybody had these dreams you're going to be the best basketball player in history like me like i thought i was right you know a jewish kid's gonna be a great basketball player okay you know or i'm gonna be the best this i'm gonna be a great writer would be the blah and then you get older and you lose those dreams and it's very depressing it's very debilitating and you want to keep some of that child within you alive and some of that ambition some of that desire to achieve something great and having ambition is not a bad thing it's a dirty word today because people think it means you're selfish but your ambitions can be towards achieving things that help people as well what's the greatest fear for you now that you haven't yet conquered or overcome or insecurity that you're still dealing with i don't know lois you know um i i haven't believe it or not a tremendous fear of failure like um still after all these massive hits and millions of book souls and every time you get a i'm neurotic and i don't do that every every book is a hit and just changes lives well it's because i don't know it's from my background i come home with straight a's and my parents would go okay so what what's next okay so it's instilled in me some way i don't know why but so i'm writing my new book my first chapter and i'm going this isn't working it's it's too intellectual it's not going to hit people it's not relevant to their lives i have to change it i have to change it if i write the book like this people are going to laugh at me and i go through that every single time in every single book now i'm able it's kind of a split personality because in the back of my mind i know i'm kind of playing a game but i still play the game and it keeps me motivating it keeps me working so i must say i'm still deathly afraid of failing my readers and of them being disappointed in me and going i thought robert was this great writer and look he's put out this man what's wrong with him he's getting old and soft i'm still afraid of that [Music] how do you manifest and attract a partner that you want to be with that has those three keys the the connection the attraction and the balance that you feel like is the one could be one of the ones how do you set yourself up to attract that incredible partner so one you got to be yourself so finding yourself is number one all right you can't connect with someone if they're connecting with the fake you all right that's a false connection so you have to discover who you are become confident in that stand strong in it now who is drawn to that person you know it's real all right and so that's where we begin two you need to exude positive energy all right to me and this is i think this is very important for women all right because the reality is that it's men or the type of men that a lot of women want aren't going to be drawn to a negative woman no there's millions of good women but that doesn't mean they're positive women all right and it's that lack of positive energy that holds them back more than they realize yes and just like even just saying negative things throughout the day they might be a good person but if they're always complaining or negative exactly and not even just what they say again it's how they're coming off because their energy their body language yes it's like so look at it like this i tell people all the time it's not what you say is how you make them feel all right so you can say all the wonderful things you want but if in your presence they don't feel at ease they don't feel peace they don't feel that positivity that's still going to throw everything off if you say nice things but you have a frown exactly what's the point exactly exactly and what what a lot of women aren't realizing is that their energy is off because they have walls up they're so scared they're so uh fixated on protecting themselves because they've been hurt in the past exactly having healed from those things but i tell people all the time the same walls give up to protect you are the same walls blocking your blessings all right so you don't realize you're restricting your ability to love and be loved because you're walking fear all right you can't walk in fear and expect all these wonderful things to happen it doesn't work that way even in business the ones who succeed are the ones who put the fear aside and say i'm gonna have faith and push forward no matter what no matter how it looks in front of me no matter how many people tell me you're doing the wrong thing get a regular job whatever no you believe what you need to do and you push forward past that fear it's the same thing with relationships you have to push forward in faith not fear if you want to receive that great relationship and so yes this can happen with men as well i don't want men thinking they can carry around much of negative energy and they're going to get a great relationship but i do think it shoots women in the foot more because here's the other thing that people don't talk about a lot and some people may not like this i'm just going to keep it real yeah for sure it pulls women away from their feminine energy and they're not positive when they're not positive and when they're holding on to these fears and have these walls up and it's the feminine energy that makes the woman so powerful that is what that's the tool that is at her disposal that can make the world her oyster all right but women have become very detached from their femininity and the thing is this if you a lot of them will say they're not feminine they're just not that way i dispute that in most situations no you become detached from it you become uncomfortable with it due to again a lack of healing and due to experiences in your life now if you are more masculine so to speak and you are happy that way that by all means continue to live your life as you are but if you're not seeing things work for the way that you want them to and you're in that energy that more masculine energy or more further away from your feminine then consider making a switch consider at least trying it yeah see the difference and what i found with a lot of women is that not only is it beneficial to them as far as uh relationships wise it's beneficial in the quality of their life for their health their health their peace their work you name it i have a client she's a a doctor at a big hospital and when she came to me she was frustrated with relationships ready to give up on men nobody liked her at work she was just a hard tough manager so we worked on her energy we worked on healing we got her energy we got her to embrace more feminine energy she would swear by it right now in one month her whole hospital started to love her wow now they're all helpful whether they were women or men men started coming out the woodworks all right let me get your number girl at you girl yeah she ended up meeting her soon-to-be fiance on the airplane two months after we started doing the coaching so what were the shifts that she made every single day like what was the things that she said okay i'm gonna not be this way i'm gonna start trying this it was just it was one being more conscious of your energy i think number one we have to be mindful of the energy we're giving off we become so distracted by our issues that we're facing in the world by our responsibilities we're not always in tune with what we're giving off so to give an example and this is just a small one even for me as a man i work out a lot when i come out the gym i started to notice i'm very tense my face is you know hard exactly so i've learned to when i walk out the gym take a deep breath relax the body relax the muscles and the energy completely changes all right because yes you can become very intimidating as a man just like you can become very intimidating as a woman and so you have to be mindful of are you making yourself more approachable are you allowing people to feel more comfortable being around you and so that starts with being mindful of it being conscious of it and one great way to do that is get an accountability partner all right absolutely tell someone who who has the ability to be positive because you don't want to pick a negative person to be your accountability partner it's gonna throw everything off but you pick a positive person and you say hey listen whenever i'm being negative whenever i'm giving that bad energy let me know because now when they tell you you won't always realize when you're doing it at least not at first but once they start calling you out now you become more mindful of it now you can take hold of it and control it and now you master what energy you're giving off at certain times and that changes everything wow when someone feels like they found the one and i've heard this a lot like i know this is the one i or i thought they were the one and then it didn't end up working out and they want to get married they've decided marriage is for them they want to be life partners what are a few of the conversations that they should have to not know for certain but know for better certain that this is the right decision this partnership is the right decision to move forward in a long long-term committed relationship as opposed to just maybe the infatuation behind it or the initial connection or the attraction what are a few questions they should be asking each other that maybe they haven't asked yet to know whether or not they're setting themselves up for that successful long-term relationship okay number one how do you envision your role in marriage all right people don't go in finding out what the expectations are before they get married they have this assumption that we're just going to transition from how we are in a relationship to being that way in america no no no no no because a lot of times things change and and the level of expectation raises now in marriage you also have some people who may think for example you may have a man out there who thinks okay my job is to court you when we're boyfriend and girlfriend when we're married when we're married i'm gonna do all that work anymore now i'm your husband i've given you the ring satisfy me make me happy you gotta find that out because you're setting yourself up for failure if you don't realize he thinks he gets to take time off now that he's married you or he may think as long as i'm paying these bills don't ask me for anything else you got to find out so we need to ask what do you should be asking that yeah both of them should be asking what how do you perceive your role in marriage what are your expectations from me in marriage let's find out what we need what we're expecting from each other number two making sure our values are aligned all right so whether that be spiritual whether that be even financial values whatever those things are let's make sure we're on the same page about it and if we're not in the same page are these things we can balance out and work out all right so for example if let's look at it from a financial perspective if i'm a very frugal man yes and this woman is a spender [Laughter] i have friends in this situation and it's not good exactly and i'm sure they may talk about it in advance you want to talk about these things and say okay how do we view this what are your what are your expectations as a spender are you someone who thinks well i gotta be able to spend some free money every month yeah i gotta go shopping every month what is it let's come to an agreement beforehand that we're both comfortable with but let's understand what we're walking into here all right again we don't talk about these things we just assume oh because she's not asking for money now she won't ask for money later and that's not necessarily true right let's find out what are we expecting do our values align in marriage um i definitely think number three sexual expectations i think that needs to be discussed and understood um and again it's all about compromise if a compromise can't be found so it's not saying okay well i expect it four times a week right you know he or she says two times a week and now we're just going at it no well then maybe we go with three times a week yeah but we make sure the compromise is something that we can both be happy with don't when you compromise on something that you're not gonna be happy about you're not compromising you're sacrificing and those sacrifice can be good in some instances not when it's very important to you or it's going to be important enough that it would cause you to wander if you're not getting it never sacrifice something that's going to make you want to look at someone else in your marriage all right so if you need three times a week to be happy and satisfied make that very clear don't agree to two yeah and then yeah exactly and now you're entertaining other people because you never set that expectation another expectation as we talked about earlier with attraction is how we keep ourselves up physically i do think what if i just gained 60 pounds in seven years and is that okay since we're married now listen people need to be honest so like i tell some men if you can say you know what if my wife gains 60 pounds i don't care i'm cool with it and you're going to love it with the same energy and desire that you did 60 other pounds ago great but if you can't maintain that desire that passion 60 pounds left you need to make that known now you can't be afraid to say well that sounds too shallow oh so would we rather be shallow now or have a disastrous relationship later have you cheating on your partner because you weren't willing to be honest in the beginning all right same and women too because the epidemic that's happening is women are less honest about their attraction needs so to speak all right really so whenever we talk about attraction letting yourself go i think people automatically think of the woman letting themselves go but a lot of men have let themselves go and have fallen far from what he looked like when they first got married but she's not always being as honest and straightforward about that one reason may be because she doesn't want the pressure on her so that's that's one issue right there or she may be afraid of his ego and and think it's too her agile exactly and doesn't want to say anything but again if you can't maintain the same passion and desire with that fall off you've got to be honest about that so he understands because what happens is this so let's just use this example he lets himself go he lets himself go the sex falls off all right and the sexes fall off because she's not as attracted to him anymore but she's not being honest about it now when she does say anything about whether it's his weight or whatever the case may be he's gonna think you're just making excuses you're just trying to give a reason not to have sex rather than embracing it as this is the reality of what's holding us back however if we had this conversation from the jump and you were honest about this then i always knew this would be an issue now when you bring it back up it's gonna be like yeah you did tell me wow it just happened so now it's gonna be easier for me to embrace that and actually do something about it and have the recognition and awareness about it because you'd already talked about it exactly you do a lot of these events and workshops for you know hundreds of women at a time are women opening up in these experiences when you're connecting with them and saying yes i do lose the attraction like appearances are important to me or or is it not as important and you're from the events that you've done with the women you've talked to what is the feedback on appearance and looks so i will say this when it comes to appearance looks and sex women aren't as vocal and transparent in a group of people really yeah but one-on-one with you one-on-one different story so same thing like using the sex example if i ask a group of women are you getting orgasms regularly there's going to be women in there who lie because they don't want to feel inadequate they don't want to be the woman who doesn't raise their hand and say yes i'm giving it good so they're going to be hesitant or not know how to answer it but if i ask in private now i'm going to get mixed real truth yes and now she's going to be very clear about loss of attraction lack of sexual satisfaction and all these things so that's why people have to be careful because i think sometimes we're assuming these issues don't really exist because we're not hearing it in that group setting don't be fooled some women just they feel more comfortable privately expressing those things and i've heard it enough times to know this is real and again you just have to even if you haven't heard it enough times pay attention there's a reason why we're seeing people fall off in marriage there's a reason why we're seeing this disconnect and even when it comes to infidelity there's a great focus on men who've cheated but there's a lot of women who've cheated a lot of women and it's not always for emotional reasons it's for sexual ones too so again my my thing is not to sit here and say well it's about who does work it's about okay how do we fix this how do we make this better and we have to accept that yes there are contributing factors to why we see failed marriages why we see infidelity why we see disconnects in our relationships let's address the underlying issues and be honest about it so we can get this on the right track wow are there any um relationships that you're aware of that uh have open relationships that are successful or do you think it's very hard because more and more with the burning man seeing you and all these people exploring these things what's your thoughts on you know open relationships or you know being together but also having multiple partners so i'm gonna be honest um i i'm very skeptical of open relationships now i don't want to sit here and say it's impossible for it to be successful because i haven't met everybody and i haven't studied it enough but i have studied it to a certain extent and from what i have found is again a lot of open relationships stemmed from one the perception that one person can't fulfill me and since one person can't fulfill me why not have more than one all right and to me find the person who's experienced that deep and genuine connection they don't have that perception because they had a moment in their life where they met someone that they thought this could be it i could put my all into this and i would be happy with this one person if you haven't experienced that connection of course there's a natural progression to thinking well maybe it's not going to work with just one can i entertain multiple if i can even handle multiple the other thing is i do think it also stems from a lack of successful monogamy and when i say a lack of successful monogamy i don't necessarily mean that they weren't able to maintain monogamy it's like okay if i get in this monogamous relationship and now i get cheated on or i've had multiple relations where i've been cheated on i may start to think what's the point of trying to be monogamous anyways exactly why not just get an open relationship which one allows me to not be so vulnerable to one person i now have more emotional control and what you'll find in a lot of situations is there's still somebody running that show and what i mean by that is one of the people are running a show exactly and they're running it in a way that it's protecting them all right so i met a woman one time she was into polyamory and she said well her ideal polyamorous relationship was a man and a woman but they're not allowed to have other people all right so it's like you're trying to control this environment for your sake all right for your protection so that means there's something deeper going on here so to me i i just tell people when it comes to open relationships if you really believe that's your thing fine i'm not here to tell people that they can't live their life that way but i just want you to make sure you've healed from everything first if you heal from everything and you still feel like this is for you do your thing do your thing but you might be surprised what's going to happen when you uncover it and address some of these past traumas and issues you may not be so so inclined to want to be in this open relationship anymore and again i would still argue that if you meet that person you have that amazing connection with it changes the game right and it will it can completely throw you for a loop because i've seen people who were once into over relationships and completely shipped to monogamy because they met that person it was like i never thought this could happen but it's here and i want it i'm going for it wow that's powerful insight what about in a relationship that's you've been together for a long time we've been married together for a long time and it just feels like it's not working and you're talking about divorce and both of you aren't happy you've got the kids you've got the home you've got the lives together and both of you aren't happy right and you've like addressed this and talked about it you've tried different things they haven't worked maybe is there a way to rekindle those three things and find that connection again maybe maybe you've lost that attraction and that balance uh is that even possible in these times or is divorce the only way to try to then go find true happiness or connection somewhere else if a true connection ever existed in that relationship then it can be fixed but that's the key did it ever really exist and we've got to examine that because again yeah many people have been living off the fantasy of their perception of things what they wanted to believe it was and and wanted to hold on to this feeling of being in love but in reality they were involved in an unhealthy attachment to this individual so we have to go deeper and find out is that there so if the connection was there yes we can work on everything else we can get things on track it's going to cause it's going to create a lot of uh deeper emotional discovery so to speak as far as finding out okay why is there a disconnect now how do we fall off of track how can we now correct these specific things because there's very specific things that need to change are we both willing to put in that work all right and if if both sides are willing to do that then it absolutely can work now if there was no connection you had divorce you get a divorce yeah divorce sooner or later i'm a man of god and i would love for everyone to be able to stay married right but even when people have been convinced that you get married you stay married forever this even if it's a religious thing or you feel like the pressure of society like here's why despite those things you don't stay married especially when you have kids so so many people stay married because of the kids right but if you can't create a positive environment at home you are damaging the kids worse than you would in divorce divorce isn't in my opinion the greatest struggle for the child it's the it's lacking the understanding of what just happened here so if you've been feeding your kids all these years that mommy and daddy love each other and everything's all good despite our this moment why are we gonna exactly so now one day you wake up we're getting divorced the child is confused and the thing is we're not honest with the kids about why this happened what went wrong we're not saying yeah you know what we knew a long time ago we weren't best for each other we're not giving them the honest truth for them to learn and not make the same mistakes repeating their pattern exactly what the child now thinks is you can't trust love wow you can't trust marriage because you can love each other and one day now it's over and now they become dysfunctional or they now have dysfunctional relations because of their skewed perception of things because they lack clarity in understanding what just happened here but going back to divorce versus staying together again what a child needs more than anything is a positive loving environment if you can achieve that together great if you can't you are better off apart wow because when you speak to adults now adults who are struggling today grew up in dysfunctional households and it didn't matter if it was a one parent or two parent household i felt eventually exactly dysfunction is dysfunction yeah and we pick up on these things no one is that great of an actor that they're hiding it from their child the child sees the problems and then you don't even realize you neglect the child in certain ways because you're dwelling in your own issues your own uh struggle there are women right now who have mommy issues or they have what i call i don't want to be my mother syndrome when they saw their mother allow herself to be treated poorly abused suffered through a horrible marriage and the woman is like i don't want to ever be that and now because she's holding on to that she either becomes her mother or creates other issues not trying to be her all right so it still creates a negative cycle of dysfunctional relationships all stemming from we stayed longer than we should have we try to hold on to something that we can't work my thing is this even for those who are spiritual if you're gonna say we're not supposed to get divorced because of god well god didn't say act of fooling the marriage at the same time like what's the point exactly how are you glorifying god or your spiritual beliefs by staying in a negative marriage for the sake of staying you're defeating the purpose the purpose is to have a healthy happy union to raise healthy happy children if we can't achieve that together it's time to go i mean i wish it could be different but that's just the reality of the world we live in because too many of us have made the wrong decision in who we married and we have to accept that i'd rather you accept that now go through your healing process and both of you can find your happiness and learn how to coexist as co-parents and again creating a positive environment in that co-parenting relationship because i don't want you to be co-parents and still be dysfunctional exactly again defeating the purpose all right i i want you to get away from each other so you can find happiness not be more negative yeah heal move forward yeah exactly be happy be happy for them if they found someone else i know that's tough for a lot of people but be happy if they're at peace you find your peace let the children see happy healthy relationships not just with other people within yourself stop showing them a miserable father or mother they see it and they hold on to resentment i can't tell you how many i won't say every but i want to say 90 of clients that i've seen and i would argue that if you spoke to any therapist or coach out there the majority of people have issues stemming from their parents growing up in that household yeah or their environment exactly their parents or their environments yeah exactly and it's just always a dysfunctional relationship relationships is the backbone of society when we allow that to be as dysfunctional as it is right now that's the reason why we have all these problems yeah we fix that man this world becomes a hundred times better place to live yeah [Music] easily why are we lying to ourselves so much because it is shameful and a lot of times we hate that we got there we got ourselves we hate ourselves that we got there how in the world did i get to this place how do i need these pills to go to sleep or to wake up how in the world do i have to keep kissing their butt to steal work at this job like this is not me this is not who i want and so because we have disdain for who we have become it's like if we acknowledge it that reinforces that we're actually there and maybe we can't live with that and so it's this vicious cycle of faking to make it and that's why a lot of people say you gotta fake it till you make it i'm like no no no no no face it so you can make it be real so that you can actually move on to there and a lot of people are delaying the inevitable you can't hold up a facade forever no it's gonna come at some point it's gonna crumble the sad thing is a lot of time it crumbles when it has more people to damage oh a lot of times almost always right yeah a lot of time it crumbles now i have three children and they're in relationships and now everything's dependent on me and i've built this empire um um of podcasting or business or um fitness and now i'm in this space and place that if i'm honest it'll cost too much may i submit to you if you're not honest it's going to cost you too much yeah i'm i'm already online let me stop so how to uh have you have you had to heal in the last 10 years your relationship from stuff that happens every year or is it only stuff from 10 years ago that you guys have to work on bro you know the answer to this question man i'm a flawed man yeah my wife is a flawed woman um we serve uh an amazing god we we're people of faith um but he knew we were gonna mess up and there was there was there was uh room in the plan for imperfection like that's what i always tell people because i'm a pastor and people know i'm a person of faith and they think i'm just going to throw the bible at them all the time and what i tell them i was like no no just first look at my life like i've experienced amazing grace and now i have to extend amazing grace and i have to receive amazing grace because i'm still gonna mess up my wife had to forgive me for something but before i came up here you don't understand like this is a daily walk but that's why i tell everybody the beautiful thing about journey if you can get this stuck in your brain and in your heart really is that this life is about progression not perfection i know culture sells as perfection i know your parents may have wanted perfection from you i know you've probably required perfection of yourself but that is the wrong metric this is about progression how much did you move forward from yesterday to today or how much did you move past i know you wanted to cuss them out last week but you only said one cuss word this week you know what i'm saying or last year it was about um being successful you didn't take any breaks but this year you actually took a few days and and had soul care and self-care and spiritual enlightenment and getting back in your place of faith like how did you progress and i think for me in all of my relationships especially the one with my wife the one that i'm in covenant with um i have to know that i'm gonna need grace because i'm still figuring it out right like there's nobody anybody on earth that says they're a relationship expert are liars nobody knows everything about all relationships we're just trying to share from our journey and truth that we've experienced and um i know for me that in the journey that i'm in right now i make a lot less mistakes than i made 10 years ago right because i've progressed but am i going to make more mistakes the next 10 minutes probably you know what i'm saying and so it is daily and yeah there's tons of healing that has to happen from every lie from every deception from every um wrong word that was spoken i tell people this because a relationship is all about trust and this is the thing that people don't really factor in you can spend decades years months building trusts but this is the truth trust is lost in buckets but gain back in drops yeah so you could have an entire five gallon bucket of trust built up yeah but one thing that you never said you would do you do and the whole bucket goes out gone and now you have to come back in every day drop by drop drop by drop you don't get a uh of trust built back up and that's where most relationships fail is because they lost the trust and they were not diligent enough to build it back up because it takes a lot of time but the problem is you have history with that person and a lot of times they would rather start over with somebody else to do the same exact thing instead of going back and yeah it sucks yeah no didn't we talk about this you know i don't you know oh come on but no this is valuable and i'm the one who tipped this thing over and so i'm gonna be the one to be consistent enough or disciplined enough to put those drops back in what's been the biggest lesson for you in the last 10 years of putting drops back in over a decade plus with your wife what's the lesson you've learned as a human being through that discipline through that daily drop yeah after breaking trust yeah back in the past yeah yeah um trust is way more valuable than money trust is way more valuable than connection trust is way more valuable um there's a book that i encourage everybody to read it's called the speed of trust and um it basically the premise is that where there's trust everything um takes less energy yeah it takes less money and it has better results but where there is no trust it takes more energy it takes more money and there are minimal results yeah and you can apply this to business relationships you can provide to your family and i think our culture is one that doesn't trust we you prove to me and and and at the moment that we don't um go into situations with trust there's this disconnection that doesn't allow people like the vibes not right or all these different sayings i think for me i've learned that trust is probably a higher commodity than anything else my greatest relationship me and my wife natalie don't have to be doing anything but when i'm in a bed in a hotel with a woman that i fully trust it's more satisfying than any platform i've ever been on wow it's more euphoric it's more when i can say something and somebody believes me and i don't have to prove it to them but they know what i'm saying is real that's amazing feeling oh what are you talking about name the places you get that name the places you to make presentations to make people you pay believe you come on let's let's be honest like because they're still not full of trust there but when you put in so much trust that that person your yes is a yes and your no is a no and then people trust what you say yeah when i told my wife that i was going to take care of her and i would never hurt her again and to be able to now 10 years removed we just did a 10-year val renewal and we went out to the sand desert and now it was me and our three kids and we're sitting there and glass runway it's on youtube and we just like it was just the most beautiful thing to look into our eyes and say the words unscripted that came from my heart and to look at her and knew they were hitting her heart and she fully trusted what i said you can't tell me nothing like nobody like there's no feeling like that and the sad truth louis is most people will never feel that they will never know what it is to have another human being with your flaws with knowing the worst about you i can't hide from my wife she knows everything that i do she knows when i do take showers when i don't take showers she knows when i leave the toilet seat up or when i put it down so you know like so in the most vulnerable place she knows when i do my workout and when i don't like i can't hide from her i can hide from people on social media i can hide from people that are that i work with but from her i'm vulnerable and to know when i speak she trusted it was well worth everything that i had to do and what happens if you are a hundred percent in integrity with your word you're following through you're being honest you're showing up you're delivering in a relationship but the person doesn't trust you yeah after years yeah and you're like you have access to my phone yeah these right passwords you you know where i'm at 24 7. yeah and you still don't trust me is that still my responsibility or is that the other partner's work they get to do so the beautiful thing about the story that i'm telling you i'm telling you from my side yeah but if you were to talk to my wife right now there were things she had to do on her own during this whole process or she wouldn't have made it she wasn't sitting there like prove to me that you were no there was self-discovery she was going on do i want to stay in this relationship is this worth it what do i bring what do i have what am i worth and that's why i tell people all the time no matter if you're a couple you're still single like even though you're in a relationship you still have to be single enough to continue to improve a lot of people stop improving once they get in a relationship like i got it what else do i need to do i made it and all that other stuff but when you are in a relationship there are still two very single people that need to work on their communication work on their insecurities work on their ability to communicate work like and if you stop developing your singleness in marriage or in relationship that relationship is headed for at one po one point for somebody to be on another level and be like this is not what we signed up for hey i thought we were partners i thought we were we were doing this together i thought we were growing and going towards this together and that's why i encourage people all the time like what have you brought to the relationship lately like what skills have you improved in what has your emotional intelligence gone to another level has your spiritual awareness gone to another level has your faith going to another level has your have you learned a new language so when we go on our vacation two years from now we don't get swindled at the you know like what are you bringing to the relationship and i just would encourage every couple not to focus on because when i say this a lot of times they'll be like see you ain't brought none to the relationship in three years kathy like hold on hold on a second like no ask yourself what have you brought to the relationships and if you both are asking yourself that's part of the reason we wrote that um this book taking your relationship from good to great because it allows people to evaluate where they're at spiritually emotionally and then be able to say what do i need to change how do i need to do this and that's the only way that you can go from good to great in any relationship my friend matthew hussey talks about this he talks about relationships from women on how to really attract the right man in their life the right partner and he said to me one time you know if you want to find a great partner make a list of all the things you want from them and then become that list yourself whatever you want someone else you need to become that first and really add that value to them as well yeah it's kind of like what i'm hearing you say is okay after a year two five ten years you have to keep becoming that list yourself to to keep that partner excited or engaged and trustworthy and connected and both parties have to be working on that list exactly now i i have a little different perspective on the list because sometimes the list limits you who tell me more like so i tell people a lot of time because specifically a lot of my sisters a lot of uh they make this now they got this he got to be 6'5 he's got to have this amount of money because they becoming the things that they want from the qualities not the the things the qualities yeah and that's the thing sometimes i do believe that there are certain things that you need to be able to um lay out and really ask yourself am i becoming those things i don't think though the package always comes the way you think it's going to work true and so a lot of times like six five sheets and and and all kinds of things even some of the qualities because the thing is i tell people this you write down what you want i believe god factors in with your mate what you need to do see the problem is like if you ask natalie i'm not what she wanted what does she want she wanted uh some big uh hispanic uh uh model for the lotion like she wanted somebody you know what i'm saying the typical yeah beautiful but what she needed was me and and when you look a lot of people make these lists at the beginning of their list but somebody needs to start a podcast interviewing couples who actually made it right so somebody you maybe need to do a series of relationships who lasted for 40 plus years that thrived that's why not that stayed together they're not resenting each other and not that were business partners right that thrived because if you ask a lot of them which i did a lot of research writing relationship goals the book when you ask them most of them did not get what they wanted on their list they got what they found out they needed and the honestly the things that i need i don't ever write down on the list because i need somebody to help encourage me when i want to go have ice cream instead of stick to my diet i don't write that down on the list i just write down i want somebody supportive well in my mind when i'm writing that down on the list i'm thinking support me on whatever i'm feeling at that moment maybe not support me and what i've decided in a different moment and i need that but it's not necessarily that i want it and i found out that a lot of times when you rip up the list and start becoming the best version of you that you can be you will then begin to see that i am now worthy and worth being with somebody who's worthy and worth being with right and you don't settle for a lot less and that's why i called it a relationship goal i know it's a proper a popular um term um in in culture but i said people aren't doing good at relationship is because they don't have aim like they're they're not aiming at a goal that actually is going to produce the the greatest end for them and so that's my whole thought about it i do believe you got to become your best version your best self but then when you do that a lot of times it creates an entitlement in people that they will they will dismiss the right thing because of the wrong package and what happens if you continue to be your best version year after year and the other person's not willing to go on that journey is it is it until death do we part even if they're constantly pulling you down and saying i'm not going to work on myself yeah you do all the work i don't trust you even if you're 100 honest yeah is it you know is that there's all there's always provision um in a relationship especially when there's infidelity and there's different things that have happened that there may be this may be an unhealthy situation that we that we can't um progress in i honestly feel though a lot of people give up too soon on that yeah nothing good um ever comes out of the easy way there is nothing great i'll say great that comes out of easy if it's gonna be great there's gotta be some work that goes into it some pain so there's gotta be some pain there's gotta be discomfort there's gotta be do i gotta do this again are we still talking about this and i really do believe in our um society today that we rush into things because we know how easy we can get out of them instead of taking the time that's honestly why our written books and done series and millions of people have watched it because i'm trying to convince people like hey like take this seriously it's not just like uh oh we met at the bar we hooked up uh we lived together now we should uh um make a life together and i'm not saying that um people haven't been in relationships that have worked like that i'm just saying that if you had to take a test to get a driver's license and and and be able to drive legally in your state it's easier to get in a relationship with somebody build a marriage have kids that are going to affect the rest of us with no actual preparation no training no training no required reading no counseling no honesty like no like hey just before we get married let me tell you how much debt i'm in hey just before we get married let me tell you that your friend and that friend and i slept with all of them just before there's no requirements and that's why i'm saying if if we don't put that in and build that into the relationships we want how can we expect it's gambling it's like maybe this will work or maybe it won't i think we can be more intentional on setting a real goal and i believe those goals need to be um put on principles that have lasted in faith that can last for a long time man what are the main principles that every relationship should be founded upon bro i wrote a whole book about it i'm gonna give you three three let me give you three of them the first thing has to be transparency yeah about everything everything like i had this thought yeah i looked at this i did any idea so so i don't i'll say this you have to be wise because you you have to depending on the layer of relationship you're in right now if you just meet somebody today and you don't even know if you want to be with them i don't think it's wise that you you you tell them everything but i do believe that there's a difference between transparency and honesty and many people have um adopted the um thought process and the philosophy of being honest but not transparent honesty is is when you ask me i'll tell you the truth but until then but until then i'm i'm hiding something yes and a lot of times most of us don't get asked the questions that we need to answer because those questions are scary oh my gosh they're scary to ask and you don't want to know the answers and you don't want to know a lot of times and and then it automatically if the person is not emotionally um um secure enough then they're like what you don't trust me like there's so many different things that are there and that's why i always ascribe to the philosophy of being transparent you don't have to ask me i'm going to offer it up i'm going to tell you hey this when you when you talk to that guy at the restaurant that made me feel some type of way and it made me really start thinking about the insecurities of my last relationship and why we broke up and i'm not asking you to solve it at this moment but i'm letting you know how that made me feel and um i'm just gonna process with that there's no question that your mate could have asked to get that um um response that genuinely because then they'll say something like this are you okay yeah i'm fine and the truth is no you're not but i don't emotionally know how to let you know that that honestly it wasn't really what you did it's what i've been through yeah that triggered something in me and now i'm insecure about what i know i have but it's because of what happened to me like sure but that takes being transparent and what i've found is when i'm transparent it honestly provides more empathy from the other person to be able to man i'm sorry you felt that way what can i do and like that then is deepening that relationship more than it is creating a wedge between it so i would say number one transparency has to be the top thing that you have in a relationship i think that you need to have um common faith goals i think for me um a lot of things that i found in relationship is a lot of people like each other but what their their faith is founded on are two totally different things and i think you should be equally yoked in the are equally compatible in the things that you believe and and when you do that it's more easy it's easier to have conversations about how to raise children finances it's easier to be able to go to for me and my wife um we're christians that believe in the bible and so there are certain things that we disagree on and then we can go to the bible and we're like okay but this is something that we believe together let's wrestle through this let's work through this let's how does that make you feel let's ask somebody there are so many problems that have been solved because we believe the same things um foundationally in our faith and i'm encouraging people a lot of times that when you do that it creates a foundation that moves past emotions a lot of times that triggers yeah it's just like well i can't get it and i can't get it but then when you go to certain thing love is patient love is kind love keeps no record of wrong damn first corinthians 13 is jacking me up right now love love offers forgiveness love oh love is long suffering like these are words that we have adopted from a book that we believe has truth in it and principles to live by and because we're on the same level in that faith it corrects us sometimes when we don't want to be corrected and that's where um i tell people the bible is one of the only books you can read that when you read it it reads you like and and for us that has helped us and so transparency having strong faith foundations and then the third thing that i would say is fun yeah if you cannot have fun with the person that you're in relationship with good luck like because there's certain things life is hard it is hard there will be trouble it's promised but but if you can find somebody to look at in the in the darkest part of the valley and life and laugh with them it happened to me and natalie on the plane yesterday i told you before um we brought two of our daughters with us and they're seven and three years old and we're on a plane from tulsa to la three and a half hours you can imagine all the fruit snacks and the ipads and all of the different things crying just the whole nine and my wife is pregnant right now so put that on top of it so and she's trying to eat and i'm sitting in the chair next to her and something drops off of her plate and i can just i can see the break down right down up just right up ahead like a movie and i just look at her and just start laughing and she sees me and she breaks out and for 20 minutes laughing we are dying on the plane not because everything's good because we have somebody to be through and go through everything with us and that joy i mean literally we got off the plane and all the other stuff she said i haven't laughed like that in so long and she was just kept laughing about it and those are the moments that i found like i told you a little bit before but our son um mj he's five um he was diagnosed with autism and um this has been the greatest emotional faith journey that we've been on he's five years old still nonverbal i'm the guy of faith i lead a church i i'm a pastor i believe and in my home there's a situation that has not changed yet and it's challenged everything the one thing that has gotten us through or excuse me the three things that have gotten us through the three things i just gave you transparency our faith foundation being the same and being fun i wouldn't be sitting here today talking to you on my way to a fourth child after my wife battling depression me challenging my calling trying to figure out why is this happening at the moment where everything great in my life is happening and it's those three things being transparent about how i felt and my emotions and her being transparent about how she felt and her emotions and having our faith anchored to something that was stronger than us and us having fun that i told you before we came in here i am having the most fun in relationship i'm not faking this is authentic this is the joy that i have to be because we have decided that there are some principles we have to live by that that most people are going to show you in reality television most people aren't going to give you in a blog or a tabloid and it has to be lived out and that's what we're trying to do before we continue this video make sure to subscribe below and turn on the notification bell right now so you don't miss out on these great videos every single day [Music] what's your definition of chemistry connection and compatibility all right so chemistry to me is is the art of getting along flowing with each other all right chemistry can be created it can be destroyed think about it from a team sports perspective you can put players together and they have to build team chemistry so through repetition through practice they can get to a point of having chemistry yes some people have instant chemistry all right but just as it was instant it can also be broken instantly exactly you know we can start to not get along and not flow with each other very easily things can get in the way and again this happens even in team sports or even in the corporate arena where you have team building exercises but then things happen that destroy the structure of the business so that's chemistry that's chemistry how important is chemistry it is still very important it is not the most important and i say that to mean chemistry has to be in every relationship for it to work and flourish but it does not set the stage for everything else all right connection sets the stage for everything else so basically if you have connection you will be able to have chemistry and compatibility but now let's talk about compatibility i believe compatibility is a very logic based structure of putting two people together it's also about we're compatible in the sense that we share values all right so again you can meet someone that you are quote-unquote compatible with you guys share similar values you guys come from even maybe the same kind of cultures there could be a lot of things that make you guys compatible on paper what is real compatibility well to me that is real compatibility so to speak is that yes you guys on paper are a good fit all right and you guys should work but again without connection it won't matter so i would argue that a lot of marriages let's even talk about arranged marriages some of them were built on compatibility well this person came from the right family so we we like this they have a good job they have a good education they would be a good fit here they share the same values but when those two people are really alone with each other it doesn't always hit which is why if you go on an online dating site it can match two people together that are compatible on paper interesting but in person it doesn't always play out the same because what is missing the chemistry or more importantly the connection and sometimes we might be tricked oh we feel the spark of chemistry but you may not have connection is that true absolutely absolutely so you might say oh we're compatible on paper everything we have the same values we want the same things for our life and marriage and kids and where families going to be we have compatibility we have chemistry there's some type of spark here mm-hmm i feel like there's a little something down here yeah we get along and we know how to flow of each other that's amazing but you're saying if we can't find true connection or if there isn't connection can connection be created no and so that's the that's the huge distinction to me with connection connection cannot be created nor can it be destroyed it's either there or it's not wow there's nothing you can do to build connection you can build a stronger bond you can uh create a stronger attachment to each other but that still doesn't mean connection is there and and you see this play out in situations where you have people who could have meet each other right now have this amazing connection something happens where they fall apart they come back together years later 10 20 years later and it's like they never stop talking it just falls right back into place it's connection it's a deeper thing that's occurring there to me connection is your spirit recognizing its match it is something that is happening beneath the surface all right which is why many people who have felt connection you can't always explain it connection does not always line up with the logic of compatibility it's not always oh well it makes sense because of this no no it's just there you just feel something with this person you feel drawn to them it's so much deeper than anything you've ever felt and and consider this you can be compatible with tons of people you can have chemistry with tons of people you do not feel connection with a bunch of people period if we were to survey people who have felt a connection in their life you'd be lucky to find many who can say two times wow the majority will say it's a one-time occurrence that has happened to them all right and and being able to have that again it's very difficult now i don't want anyone listening to be discouraged if they did not end up with the person they had a connection with i'm not saying it's impossible for it to happen a second time but i will say that if you surveyed people you would have a hard time finding that many people that say it said it happened twice when does someone know it's connection and not chemistry because i feel like you might be tricked we have this incredible connection we understand each other we get each other i can't explain it but i feel something that feeling might be also chemistry at the same time right it might be masking yes if it's really connection or chemistry how do you know if it's true connection over man this is desire connection attraction all these things happening at once one can you truly be yourself with that's big all right because again a lot of people they go on these dates they're bringing their representative and the chemistry happens on a surface level with the representatives that both sides are bringing but when you actually show your true self now what happens and a lot of people have not done that with their partner the person that they're getting to know so again you're falling into the hype of the chemistry or the compatibility but you're not discovering true connection being there so you've got to be able to be yourself because real connection loves you at the core all right you can show me all the parts of you i still want you all right number two is can we enjoy each other with no distractions all right again what people fail to understand and this can happen with chemistry is that we're we're bonding based off of the activity or the the things in our environment meaning all right we we love going out together and we do all these fun stuff and we're doing all these things and that's great all right we know how to have fun together but can we be alone in the room no tv no distraction no phone just us and still love being with each other a lot of people can't say that a lot of people are only able to be in their relationship and tolerate their partner and i use that word strongly tolerate their partner because they have enough distractions in life they have kids they have work they have all these other things tv video games man caves whatever exactly all these things that pull them away from their partner that doesn't allow them to face the fact that no you really don't like each other at the court man and and so that is a huge sign of connection that's why like one thing i suggested in one of my books was go on a road trip and it's just a random suggestion but go on a road trip for at least six hours no phone no distraction just you and them talking will you still be happy after those six hours a lot of people can't make it that far in a car ride with their partner all right a lot of people cannot be in a room alone with their partner and nothing else to take their attention so you've gotta you gotta really push those boundaries to see what do we really have here if this is really gonna be called a connection right and your fear is are you able to grow together after 10 15 years is that one of the main things is so it's it's you know it's hard to you know you never you never can look that far ahead you know and we don't know what's in store i may not be here tomorrow exactly it's it's a concern of can we still give that same energy and it's both sides because again i'm not saying i'm not perfect so even though i'm confident that i could do it what if there's something that throws me off you know it's just that yes it as time goes on there's that test of really putting your best foot and bringing that that same energy that you brought in the beginning now again i think i'm holding myself to a higher standard that i think most people do because i think that a lot of people's mentality is well things change things are going to be different it's okay so what you don't go out as much anymore people think like this but they don't realize that's why your relationship is deteriorating right i don't want a deteriorated relationship so when i think about yes can i be with someone past 10 15 years if i accept a level of mediocrity of course but you don't want that exactly i'm saying can we maintain excellence after these 10 15 years romantic exactly and play happiness all these things because to me what is the point of being here if we don't have it if we're not operating at our highest level what about what about the saying that i hear whether this is a meme or this is women saying this online maybe you know the line better than me if he can't accept me at my worst he doesn't deserve me at my best i hate that i absolutely hate it and i hate it because it it has turned into validation for not addressing your flaws and issues all right i agree with it from the standpoint of you've got to be able to handle your partner's worst moments all right because we're gonna all have moments we're gonna all fall we're all gonna do make a mistake it's gonna happen over time that's just the way it is but when you are essentially trying to say i have a horrible flaw and you should accept it even when i want to consistently make you deal with it no that's not going to work for me that's i can't accept that that's not that's not okay and so a lot of people that's what they're turning it into that's you not taking accountability and responsibility is that growth going back to uh okay this is where i'm at i don't want to address it you just have to accept it and or don't be with me exactly you know it reminds me of like once i don't know if they still say it but i know at one time people would say arguing is healthy for a relationship all right i decided i don't know if i agree i understand that yeah i just don't like that no at all can you can you communicate with with we don't agree on this but do you have to argue exactly that's my thing disagreement is acceptable disrespect is not all right so say one more time disagreement is acceptable disrespect is not that's good all right so my thing is yes it's okay and even healthy to have disagreements because we have different perspectives we can bounce ideas off each other we simply have to know how to navigate that and come to an official decision on things when we have those moments but arguing arguing says we are being disrespectful whether our tone is negative the words that we're using you know we're getting loud we're getting angry we're we're basically throwing negative energy at our partner that's not healthy there's nothing healthy about that but a lot of people will say that because they want to validate the unhealthiness in their relationship they don't want to face the issue of i need to learn how to talk to my partner better i don't want to have to fix my tone why do i have to watch what i say because that's what an adult does wow all right grow up you know like i'm sorry to anyone listening to this but that's just real we we can't just think it's okay especially with our partners to speak however we want to to throw all kinds of insults to be disrespectful and think this is okay because what people are not realizing is all it takes is that one really bad argument to plan a seed of negativity that now grows into something worse in the relationship a lot of people's issues are not the issue that they're facing in that current moment it's the culmination of all kinds of things before then it's the build up from that last time you disrespected me or made me feel some kind of way and ever since then i've resented you and now in this resentment i've given you an attitude you didn't know what the attitude was about because i didn't communicate clearly now you're giving me attitude and now you see how it turns into other things now that attitude turns into not having sex with each other that attitude turns into okay uh the way that we talk to each other in in general maybe becoming secretive because now we don't like dealing with each other anymore and what you don't realize is it started from disrespectful arguing wow all right it can also start from some other stuff all right but the arguing is a huge problem for a lot of people and we can't just keep sweeping under the rug so going back to your point about the whole uh take me as at my worst yes worst moment always like this yes once in a while a good attitude exactly consistent negative behavior has to be addressed and corrected so arguments are disrespect but disagreements is okay is that yes this agreement is acceptable disrespect is not yes so you can always disagree and you can agree to not agree yeah or you can is it right agreed to disagree yeah agree to disagree but you but what i'm hearing you say is that arguing uh saying what's on your mind in an angry exact aggressive way tearing down a partner is never going to do anything good for someone exactly people have to understand whenever someone feels attacked they will defend themselves even if they know they're wrong even if the point you're making is actually solid the way you're coming at them negates their ability to receive it that's why even me as a speaker my focus has been do i want to be heard or do i want people to receive my message all right if i want to be heard i can speak however i want i can be blatant with the insults i can cut people down i can just make jokes of everybody's situation because it's just entertainment i just want to be heard but no i want people to receive it and if i want people to receive it i have to be more considerate more compassionate i have to check my tone i have to be careful with my words and that's why people watch my videos to see i try to be very careful with my words because i want you to receive what i'm saying so if we're in a relationship we have to take that approach if you want them to hear you be mindful of how you're talking to them why is it so hard for people because again they don't they don't want to face the the or they don't want to do the work of correction all right and the work of correction can entail the healing and again facing those issues um it's also conditioning if people have been brought up in households and environments where this is how they talk to each other it's it's very hard to change yeah yeah it's foreign to now speak in a more loving and positive way it's foreign to sit and be quiet and listen all right so now they have to reprogram themselves and that's a lot of work um and and i think also the acceptance of the way you're communicating is wrong people don't like to face that they were wrong they don't want to have to accept that so it's no i have to dig a even deeper hole and and and stick with this whole negative approach of how i do things because know that there's nothing wrong with this or i see other people do it you know they're fine no they're not fine they're not okay you know so i think those reasons just overall they don't want to have to do the work and so they rather make excuses for it so it sounds like again we go back to step one healing if you can learn to heal you can start to improve the quality of your choices dating someone in a relationship or getting out quicker you can be a better more effective communicator in relationships whether you're dating or in a long-term community relationship you can have a better relationship overall with yourself when you heal and with someone else so can you give me a a breakdown a boot camp 101 on how to recognize what you need to heal and then how to start healing that what does that look like for someone okay i need to heal stefan what do you mean by that how do i do it how do i get started how long does it take to get healed okay is this a lifelong journey is this overnight what does it look like all right so first thing how long does it take to heal it's going to take as long as you're willing to put into work healing is not a time thing it's a work thing so when you hear people say time heals all wounds no it doesn't time alone doesn't heal a damn thing all right it can help it does aid in the process but by itself it is no good you have to take certain steps um so when people think well i'm gonna take a year off from relationships to heal why a year and if you're not doing the work in that year that year means nothing and that's what happens to a lot of people they took a year off but what they did was they hid from the world they hid from relationships they went in their corner all right and distracted themselves but they never healed now they come back out of that year and they're still the same person or maybe they're not the same maybe the first few months of dating they're a little different but then they fall back exactly because they never resolved things at its core now in terms of recognizing what to heal uh my first step is it's called the who hurt me list all right so you get a piece of paper you write down a piece of paper who hurt me and now every person who comes to mind you write them down on the piece of paper it doesn't matter how long ago it happened doesn't matter if you think you've moved past it if you think it's not relevant if they come to mind then there's some level of relevance there put them on the paper in about a sentence or two of what they did to hurt you all right this is how we're going to start to locate what you've been holding on to but you really got to go into this exercise very genuine you can't be trying to control the narrative you just got to let yourself feel just ask yourself the question close your eyes let it come out what's the question i should ask who heard me that's it that's it and what it's like i can only think of like three people that really hurt me should it be thinking of like every instant they can think of from childhood of that one comment or should this be this person punch me in the face anybody who comes to mind so i don't want him to force it but i don't want him to under undermine it in any kind of way either just whoever comes to mind put them on the paper because even if there's a situation where you forgot somebody if we tackle the big ones you're not gonna be able to escape the big ones the big ones are gonna come out they're gonna come to mind if we can tackle those then that might set the stage where everything else gets taken care of naturally sure sure all right because now your awareness is going to be there and your level of healing will allow you to see things differently because really the big ones might be the ones that cause the most pain and if you heal that the other ones are just a pattern of the pain exactly and you will also start to perceive those situations differently once you feel from the bigger ones okay so that's step one take take a piece of paper write it out how long should this take a few minutes a few hours depending depending on the person because you know for some people it's going to get heavy it's going to get heavy and that might cause them to want to pause and take a step back but i would encourage them do not like walk away from it completely stick to it but it can be as quick as a few minutes maybe it takes an hour because they may get emotional in the process but just don't run from it um but just just do it don't even worry about the time just do it okay step one step two step two so step two i'm gonna lay this out i usually lay it out but you know what i feel like i gotta do it today bring it i gotta do it today so step two we gotta get things off our chest all right okay and this is where we do the letter writing process so there the there's two parts of the letter two drafts the first draft is the most important this is where we're gonna have essentially an emotional detox we gotta get everything out so let's say on the list is your mother i always bring up mothers because so many people have mommy issues but the world only wants to talk about daddy issues all right and the society has made it to where it's almost wrong for you to tell a woman she was a bad mother or to criticize your mother so we suppress that a lot more than we do our father it's interesting you know so let's say it's your mother and um you're gonna do the first draft and in that first drive you're just gonna let all your raw emotion out i don't care if you curse her out i don't care if you wish death on her i don't care what nasty evil thing you say however you feel let it come out you've got to let the anger the hurt all pour out of you into this letter if you don't know how to start the letter start it with the most damning thing you could say all right i hate you because boom and then just go from there it's gonna start coming out once you uncork that screw that's it exactly and this is where it gets heavier a lot of people may take a lot more pauses in this process all right because again so many people have been suppressing this for so long and again it's like any other detox when you start to detox the bad stuff has to come out first yeah all right and you can't get to a heal place unless you flush out all the negative energy so this is why it's important this is not the draft to be politically correct to to try to frame things in the right way i don't want you to be considerate i don't want you to think about well i did some wrong things to forget all that this first draft is let it rip let it rip let it out and i guarantee you by just doing that first draft you're going to feel better you're going to feel a weight come off your shoulders you're going to feel more peace to you right that's the draft one drop drop two so drive two is essentially now i always tell people all right you finish draft one pray meditate whatever you gotta do just get to a kind of level place mentally calm and now read the letter to yourself as if you were them oh okay and now so put yourself in their shoes and anything that now comes off as attacking condescending blatantly insulting you're going to change it you're not changing the message you're just changing your delivery of the message all right and the importance behind this is twofold one we talked about it earlier people don't know how to communicate without being negative they're tone their delivery is horrible so this letter is going to help you learn how to take your negative emotions and thoughts and now turn it and reword it into a much more loving positive message now loving positive does not mean you won't say some things that aren't hurtful to them or a hard pill for them to swallow there's just a difference between lashing out and expressing how you feel saying this is how you impacted my life this is how i perceive things right then you're this you're that you're this that's the first draft but the second draft is just you're just changing your delivery of the message so by the end of it you have fully expressed yourself but in a more calm loving manner this is going to allow one is going to teach you how to be better in your communication interesting but also this is the part people aren't going to like and and i won't go too deep into this part for those who may have to send it and i would just suggest getting the book to see they got to send them that all right because it breaks all of this down but for those who do have to send it it's going to give you a much greater chance of great things to come from that letter not that that's the focus of the letter the focus of the letter is for your healing so i don't care if you did send it and they never responded i don't care if they said if you sent it and they rejected everything you said in it because the purpose is your release of all those emotions all right and you've got to embrace forgiveness and forgiveness is another piece of this healing puzzle forgiving them and forgiving yourself as well that's the real focus but i have seen amazing things happen because of these letters really yeah people receiving them yes i've seen so these are not these are not letters that you send out that say you're horrible you ruined my life that's not draft one you're sending out draft two which is more of a place of this is how this scenario impacted me yeah this is how you're taking me more of a responsibility as well how it made me feel is that i'm hearing you absolutely yeah because it's very different to accuse someone and attack someone versus saying but this is how i received it right whether you're right or wrong exactly because also understand this hurt people hurt people and and some people reject that because they say well i'm hurt and i never hurt nobody that's a lie whether you realize it or not you have hurt people one example i'll give that comes to mind let's say you're a woman or a man and you were hurt in your last relationship and now you've become guarded now to you you're still operating as a loving human being but what you don't realize is your gardenness is still hurting either the potential partner or someone that you do get with because you're unwilling to give them your whole heart wow all right so you still you're not you're not attacking them maybe you're not punching them or cheating on them but you're holding back exactly and you're still undermining the relationship so you're still hurting them and you're hurting yourself because you're not allowing yourself to experience the full greatness of it because you won't fully dive in because you're scared and you're guarded and that has to be fixed but going back to the original problem i want to make is in that same mode the hurt person does not always realize how much they're hurting you we have to understand that damaged individuals are operating from a very selfish mindset it's i'm protecting myself think about the person who is overly critical of everyone else they're always criticizing criticizing criticizing they're not doing it because their intention is to hurt others they're doing it because they want to keep the spotlight off of them and to protect themselves from criticism so i'm going to hit you before you hit me dang all right so again a lot of our parents the things that they did they did not understand and even if they had some semblance of an idea they're so caught up in their own feelings they're blinded by it so a lot of times this letter basically takes the blinders off when you do it in that loving manner because like i said earlier do you want to be heard or do you want them to receive the message the yelling the screaming the lashing out they heard that because you may have done that with them in the past but they never received you in that moment now expressing yourself in a calm loving manner they can't help but receive you and even those who reject what you're saying trust me it has hit them in a way nothing else has in a relationship you are on thin ice and the sun is coming out because right right right because again what happens is you're not free you're not free you're not actually giving from your heart

Channel: Lewis Howes

Views: 340,784

Rating: 4.8220391 out of 5

Keywords: Lewis Howes, Lewis Howes interview, school of greatness, self help, self improvement, self development, personal development, success habits, success, wealth, motivation, inspiration, inspirational video, motivational video, success principles, millionaire success habits, how to become successful, success motivation, robert greene, robert greene interview, art of seduction, relationship advice, love advice, how to seduce a woman, how to be more attractive

Id: NkT28jang70

Length: 121min 28sec (7288 seconds)

Published: Fri Jul 30 2021