I Was Only Gone For A Minute, How Did This Happen?! (Reddit Stories r/AskReddit)

what was your I was only gone X minutes what the heck happened story one night I was on my own and decided to make a nice meal for myself I spent about half an hour preparing and baking a delicious chicken breast with sun-dried tomatoes and brie cheese so I got everything ready set up my dinner and my beer on the coffee table and sat down to eat and watch some TV at this point my cat walleston and sat on the couch next to me then he dropped something out of his mouth next to me I turned to look at it it was a snake crap ok no big deal it's not a big one so I got up and grabbed some snake wrangling tools a dustpan and brush and scooped this little guy up I walked out the front door and tossed the snake back into the bushes hoping the cat won't go after it again I was gone for about 15 seconds I came back inside and my dinner was gone the cat was under the table hunched over a half-eaten chicken breast and growling every time I came near and that's the first time my cat distracted me with a snake in order to steal my dinner I left my two-year-old twins for two minutes they were happily glued to the TV and I thought it was the perfect opportunity to sneak to the kitchen and finish making my coffee they continued being quiet and I found it strange as they normally come and follow me when I leave the room I came back and there was soil scattered all over my carpet one was feeding the other a plant first baby wife has never left our little girl but decides to run an errand leaving me dad alone with her I assure wife all will be well in her short absence kid is sleeping in my arms all is quiet give wife a kiss and she heads out the door walk back to sofa with sleeping kid notice kid could use a diaper change set baby on changing table I take off old diaper baby wakes up proceeds to erupt with a volcano of projectile diarrhea it's all over me changing table wall I panic pick up baby still hemorrhaging an unending spray of baby turn mist take her to the kitchen sink and flip on water water is cold set baby and sink baby screams like a demon wife opens the door forgot her purse crack all over the walls and floor desperate crap covered husband wrestling with desperate freezing crap covered baby wife was gone maybe 90 seconds maximum back in 2008 when everyone was getting $600 tax rebate checks in the mail I left mine unopened on my coffee table went to use the restroom and when I got back I saw the envelope chewed in half and my dog nowhere to be seen somehow my miniature dachshund puppy got up on the coffee table picked through all my other mail to find this specific one chew it up and run under her bed all in about one minute I had to tell the IRS that my dog chewed up my rebate check which was funny my parents Dalmatians did that to them before I was born they ended up having to pry out pieces of the check from one of the dog's mouth one which was wrapped around his canine with the tax return check amount on it according to the IRS folks it happens all the time first day of summer break after grade seven I went to a skate park with a few friends and one of their dads drove us all he went to get a coffee and said don't break anything until I get back and I did not listen I went down a quarter pipe and broke both my radius and ulna on my first try he got back and I was sitting on a bench holding my crooked arm I'd have been annoyed if that were me all the man wanted was to sit with a nice cup of joe and watch kids hurt themselves when my daughter was around three and a half I picked her up from daycare on my way home from work walked into the door and set her down in the living room to play while I put the mail I had grabbed on the way into the house on the table in the kitchen which was less than ten feet away I dropped the mail on the kitchen table turn around and walk back into the living room and she's butt naked it was literally less than five seconds I'm still amazed when I think about it I can't even get my shoes off that fast Comcast and FedEx both left had just missed you on my door when I was gone for five minutes to shower during the latter quarter of a five six hour time frame they may well have come and just left the notices without even knocking I've caught both UPS and FedEx at different points stop get out with the form stick it on the door and run back to their truck I experienced being hunted by tow truck in Chicago a friend and I were delivering a couple big monitors to his apartment we pulled around behind the building but he didn't have the key for the back door so we quick ran around front can came out the back door of his apartment to see the car gone like not going or the tow truck loading up the car it was gone we couldn't have taken more than 90 seconds tow drivers can hook a car and be gone in like 20 seconds I grew up in the country one day in high school I came home made myself a snack and then went back outside to eat my snack on the deck when I got home the yard was empty when I came back out there was his evra in the yard and that's how we found out the new neighbors ran an exotic animal petting zoo and that they weren't very good at it they lived there for a couple years and we got really nonchalant about that zebra getting out my grandma came to visit once and came in all in a tizzy about it I think it was even more shocking when our response was basically that dang zebra again my grandmother lived in the middle of nowhere but had a couple neighbors one decided to raise alpacas you have not lived til you have seen an overweight redneck animal control officer in shorts chase after an angry alpaca with a catch Pole for like an hour twice I was in middle school I went to the bathroom because the lesson was boring me out of my mind you know I was 12 and stayed there for 10 minutes while I was returning to class I saw two cops dragging two of my classmates they were handcuffed and visibly terrified found out sometime later that they were arrested for drugs and the cops came in the class and handcuffed them right there first year high school my friend did the same thing ten minutes of bathroom break when he came back the teacher was Tinky from his laptop there was a lot of screaming I was boiling water on an electric stovetop seemed safe enough left for 30 seconds came back entire stove was on fire were two foot flames someone had left some oily food fall between the burner and the tin file we keep underneath another 30 seconds and the kitchen would have caught fire I live above the pizza place that I work at I'm also full-time in college last night they called me and just for an hour or two to help clothes no big deal after a full school day and going into work for a bit I was exhausted I walked up the stairs and into my apartment there was new decorations everywhere my furniture was gone and my bedroom door was open I screamed holy Frick and kicked open the door to see who was in my room I was only gone for an hour how could someone move in and move out all my crap as I made contact with the girl laying in bed watching Netflix I realized I was on the second floor not the third floor the apartment below me has the exact same layout as mine and this girl happened to have her door unlocked like I usually leave mine multiple roommates I simply said oops wrong room and ran back to my room I'm going to go down today and apologize for scaring that poor girl half to death at 11:00 p.m. if the three rom-coms I've watched in my life have taught me anything the two of you will fall in love fight over something and then get back together some time later to live happily ever after a good luck I was asleep and woke up to the sound of my husband shouting frustratedly at his son who was 16 at the time comma you've just waded through knee-deep water out through your bedroom and down the hallway you tell me mate why do you think the Wi-Fi isn't frickin working I smiled for a second before I realised that oh crap our little bungalow has flooded sniped upstairs for a pee was gone no more than two minutes came back down to find my daughter had shat on the living room floor and was gleefully stomping it into the carpet it's a muddy puddle daddy freaking puberty went to work one day I literally lived right across the street from my job so I walked to work each day by the time I got to work my boss told me I needed to go back home it was an emergency apparently my power had been cut off my stepdad had flipped and scared the crap out of my siblings and attempted to kill my pregnant mom Conner attempted to kill my pregnant mom I think I need to know to know how this all shook out when I went to the bathroom for the first time during calculus holy Frick was that a mistake my ex drank too much white wine one night after we got back to my apartment I quickly went down the street to grab him some Gatorade or whatever I was gone maybe ten minutes tops my brother calls me up we live together at a time while I'm walking back and angrily tells me you need to get back here now no details about what's wrong or anything so I walk into the door of our apartment to find my ex pass out completely naked he had clothes on when I left on the floor between our bathroom and kitchen - my brother pointed ominously toward the bathroom in the 10 or so minutes I was gone my ex had somehow managed to smear crap all over himself and every surface in my bathroom we are talking everywhere the sink the shower curtain the back of the door the walls the toilet even his hair and face all covered in shitty handprints it took me the rest of the night to to bleach the heck out of everything I've never seen anything like it in my whole life and it haunts me to this day the next day my brother and one of his friends taped newspaper all over the walls and floor in the bathroom because clearly my ex wasn't housebroken stupid ex was offended it was hilarious I was watching TV and went to my room to get my phone charger I was gone maximum two minutes when I got back a goat was on the coffee table it scared the crap out of me where do you live where goats just appear on coffee tables a little over a year ago my now husband and I were prepping for a move and needed to take a handful of garbage bags to the dumpster in our apartment community we patted each of our dogs a seven-year-old mini schnauzer and a 16 year old rat area two small dogs this is very important later on on the head and headed out less than five minutes later we come back both of the dogs meeting us at the door with wagging tails and big smiles all seems perfect until we round the corner into the dining room one of the dogs pooped clear up two walls about four and a half feet up across about six feet wide worth of wall I was laughing too hard to clean it up the husband saved the day and cleaned it up but with such force and distance we can only imagine the absolutely gut-wrenching noise that dog still not sure which one had to have made made when it did it's big business we were seriously only gone five minutes we now refer to it as the poop inning of 2015 the best part of this is the inclusion of the year as if you need to distinguish it from previous poop earnings left the mailroom to go get my wipes to clean off the scanner glass was gone three minutes came back to find the entire mail room coated in toner and a toner covered co-worker just standing there looking confused and alarmed never even asked just went to get our boss to go deal with it this visual is amazing the co-worker standing there in shock Brazil suddenly conceded five goals left the gym got in my car turned on the radio two more goals got to my house three more my dog followed me to the door and then I shut it wasn't there for about 45 seconds then opened the door to find puddles of dog diarrhea all over the living room Hannah has same with me my Great Dane was house trained and never messed up at all walked out to the garage to get a screwdriver came in two huge puddles of dog crap he was trying to hide under the bed turned away from a closed pizza box to get plates turned back and my cat was running off with a piece I was having a big steak and a martini while watching a James Bond marathon put my fork and knife to the plate to cut off a piece with my eyes still watching TV here cling to look up to see my cat dragging the whole steak across the carpet the steak was ruined when I took it from it he hissed at me for the only time in 11 years little bastard can go to heck that was a good steak you have been visited by the IT lizard upvote or experience bad internet foreign month if you are new to the channel you can subscribe I publish new videos every day until then check another video or don't either way have a great day you magnificent people [Music]

Channel: Updoot Everything

Views: 59,571

Rating: 4.8949099 out of 5

Keywords: #updootst, updoot, reddit, r/askreddit, askreddit, ask reddit, r/, \r, r\, best of reddit, reddit stories, reddit story, top posts, funniest posts, funny, funny posts, funny reddit stories, funny askreddit, reddit funny, askreddit funny, askreddit stories, reddit stories 2019, people of reddit, sub, reddit cringe, memes, comment awards, dankify, toadfilms, updoot everything, updoot reddit, chill, story, stories, what the heck?, what happened, gone a minute, missed

Id: ZtLjiRNacuE

Length: 13min 24sec (804 seconds)

Published: Tue Jul 09 2019