I Rented a Raccoon to Simulate Having a Child

hi I'm William and this is my wife caretaker last week she told me she wants to have a kid but how am I supposed to know if I'm ready to be a father having a child would change my life forever maybe making it worse I do need to start considering it now though because my balls are less than a decade away from disintegrating into dust but what do my balls have to do with raccoons well I've heard they have a similar intelligence to a human toddler so I'm going to speedrun Parenthood by renting a raccoon and at the end I'll tell caretaker how I honestly feel about having a kid and I'm not gonna rent a kid because the first thing I need to do is find a raccoon maybe God will let me borrow one a hit hey buddy you ever lived inside a house before it's cold outside it's warm inside you want to come inside no biggie I found one on the seventh page at Google this is Oliver he's two years old and his favorite food is almonds his owner agreed to bring him over to see if he'd be a good fit he seems pretty chill for a raccoon so I closed my eyes and typed in my credit card number completely wrong because my eyes were closed they'll be back tomorrow to start the simulation and before leaving she gave me a warning you'll need to child proof the house child proof my house I need to child proof myself you're looking at a man who wouldn't hold your baby even if you were sinking into lava nice but the bigger problem is I have no idea what a parent even does step one you feed the kid step two they they poop and pee step three I don't know no one tells you what this one is in step four they go to college Jesus draw the rest of the owl Christ a hundred years ago a dad's only job was to get drunk and inflict permanent psychological damage on the family when did the rules become so complicated they're not smart like they can't do math good but they're smart enough to make your life a living nightmare just like real kids I'm not gonna put this all right I'm going to bed now see in the morning [Music] it's working I have a son I'm a father is he going to claw our eyes out I hope not Oliver is a very good boy As Long as You Follow some simple rules one don't restrain him [ __ ] you're too fat for it two don't take anything away from him and three what are you doing what are you doing you're freaking me out third one was you might be asking where Jimmy Neutron is I knew he wouldn't get along with my raccoon Sun so I kicked him out last night don't worry I gave him a gun all right he just wanted to eat the toothpaste like father like son my boy then we went to the kitchen no no the kitchen now we're supposed to go to the kitchen I'm going to make him the same breakfast my mom made for me when I was a kid maple bacon in the cheapest pancake mix you can find I'm even going to juggle the eggs one two one oops oh look who decided to join us I'm making you breakfast and you're you're eating egg off of the ground I'll make you pancakes if you behave I have a feeling you're not gonna get pancakes you've been preoccupied with some water that's the same trick my mom used to use back in the day too just trying to sink on keep me going for like three hours have you ever told you about the breakfast my mom used to make me on Fridays I hadn't realized it yet but Oliver was trying to escape and we were about to have our first argument as new parents no this is fine you know you deal with him that's part of this is multitasking you have to work as a team to make it work okay know what I'm supposed to do you're supposed to watch our child I mean a child I don't think he is incredible breakfast is served wait come back oh you want to go to you want that side of the table okay yes yes he's eating the breakfast I made for him I feel like I've I've succeeded as a parent uh you hungry I'll get you a plate okay you know your protein some orange juice and you also get some orange juice that's my glass okay no drink your orange juice I'm not trying to be an overbearing parent but if you give kids the option to eat whatever they want they die of malnutrition it's a part of a complete breakfast part of a complete breakfast can I have some hot sauce no you get your own hot sauce I'm busy okay he just wants to escape I'd say this is going so he already has a name but he doesn't respond to us I figure we should give him a new name you don't like Oliver no I don't not like it I just like Oliver and Company I feel like that I you don't feel bonded right yeah gobbler naming gobbler no Oliver gobbler no no it's gobbler all over it's kind of the same kind of Oliver so we call them gobbler I'm gonna go play with the I'm gonna go play with gobbler I'm playing with gobbler the first step to ensure my son doesn't become a degenerate is to make him do chores he's not strong enough to hold the plates but he can lick the chunks off before I scrub them you finish eating all the eggs off of that pan and I'll do the dishes over here okay yeah I decided to clean the dishes myself because I have a business meeting soon caretaker is leaving for a bit so it's up to me to keep gobbler occupied my plan is to keep him entertained with the one thing children can't keep their hands off of a gun foreign there you go don't eat it all at once okay I'm gonna go do my zoom call and uh yeah you got it yo can you hear me hello yes now I can hear you how you doing good how are you good thanks for uh thanks for talking I'm just you know I had some uh some ideas cool is that a raccoon foreign [Music] yeah it is sorry there's a thousand other rooms in this house you could be in but you chose right behind the camera how did you get that I rented it [Music] that's awesome what's his name gobbler cool but uh yeah no I says this is embarrassing I'm so sorry I don't care I think it's interesting are you making a video where you just are calling people and seeing if they know sorry the the idea for the video is um the renting raccoon to see what it's like to have a kid wow cool YouTube is my full-time job but I'm worried a child will take that away from me so I decided to try filming a video for my second Channel while also keeping gobbler under control garage tour I haven't really done a garage tour since I've been in this house and it's it's been a mess I've been sort of embarrassed of it and even better this is garage tour with a raccoon gobbler Wanna Give us some information about what's going on here yes I'm talking to you a bunch of miscellaneous crap it's got a buff Pikachu that I printed and was gonna paint but I never painted it um those are it's a YouTube play button that I never opened that's uh just a normal desk fan I was not able to keep gobbler under control when given the chance he immediately starts climbing and the handlers then had to intervene to keep them from hiding somewhere they couldn't reach that's fine fine don't worry having a child is either a living nightmare or this raccoon is not a great substitute for a real kid my plan was to surprise gobbler with this Raccoon costume I made I even had to fix the tail with some 3D printed Parts because the seller didn't include any way of attaching it you see the tail look at then you can unplug it and then you can plug it back in ta-da look at that fixed it what do you think of that Mark Rober but he hissed at me I thought maybe if I dressed up like you we would no he doesn't he doesn't like the costume he does not like my costume I'm trying to enjoy being a parent but all I can think of is don't piss the raccoon off I spent the past week building this wooden dumpster for him and he hated it you wanna you wanna test out your new bed like it you like your dumpster oh my God he knows the point of building it was to go on the inside not on the outside of it that's fine I bought this cute raccoon book but it was a total scam he climbed inside for to eat a bite he climbed inside four to eat a bite what where'd you get this book I got on Amazon or should you pay for that book this is like ten dollars he climbed inside four to eat about Ruby fell and the bees gave Chase ow you stung me get out of my face you took our honey it's not your place steal our honey you get the worst yeah I want to put this book where it belongs in a dumpster nah we should start burning books more what do you think at this point we're only throwing him a birthday party because the guests are already on their way and I pay the deposit for the cake I'm just gonna go to the grocery store really quick to pick some stuff up Chelsea's dealing with him right now gobbler is in her hands gobbler is a horrible game Oliver I don't know I feel like was this a bad idea is this anything like a kid at all I feel like it's kind of like a kid just it's a raccoon am I doing a bad job as a parent like what does doing a good job mean place your item if you have your 30 dollars it just feels like I'm going through the motions of being a parent for no reason gobbler doesn't seem to appreciate any of it all right Chelsea what do you think of my minion it looks like it it doesn't it it looks I've I've had enough of whatever that answer is goodbye it's a minion it's not among us Among Us sucks Minions rule I I would never let my son play Among Us [Music] I planned an entire day for a raccoon but he just didn't give a crap I honestly don't know what I expected we're saying out loud now seems pretty obvious I mean we had to ask everybody to sing quietly so we didn't scare them happy birthday to you happy birthday to you this isn't real it's just a bunch of morons singing happy birthday to a raccoon and it's not even the raccoon's birthday he refused to eat any of the cake and the only way we could make him touch his presence was by hiding almonds in the wrapping paper all he wanted to do was hide under the table and eat Cheez-Its off the ground I don't know man I knew this was stupid from the start but I was really hoping to get some idea of what having a kid was like but all I got was this weird YouTube video and it destroyed house I wonder what I was like as a kid [Music] [Music] happy birthday to you happy birthday to you birthday near where I am happy birthday [Music] you don't want any birthday here so going to Chuck E cheese are we still going to Chuck E cheese maybe being a parent isn't about things going right but learning how to deal with things going wrong I doubt it was my parents plan for me to smear poop on the walls or flatten my nose when I face planted into the concrete floor but what do I know I'm just an idiot who rented a raccoon thinking it would behave like a child oh but am I ready to have a kid [Music] um I don't know maybe this is my cat Jimmy Neutron I paid five dollars for him and have used him in a bunch of videos I hired a team of scientists to cut him up into 2 000 pieces without killing him but they failed but why am I doing this because I want to sell you my cat to give everybody the opportunity to be a pet owner but I can't give you an actual piece without killing him so instead of sending out chunks of Jimmy I've created a frame certificate your name goes here my signature goes here Jimmy's signature goes here and your unique cat chunk goes here maybe you get this piece here or this one here maybe even an eyeball or his butthole your certificate gets framed boxed and sent directly to you this is an actual real product I'm doing this all by hand because I'm an idiot cat Warehouse has also plagiarized one of my favorite shirts but we changed it to a raccoon so it's okay and if you're too fiscally responsible to buy any of my crap I'm giving away 20 50 gift cards all you have to do is follow cat Warehouse on Instagram and leave a comment on this post I am a business God

Channel: William Osman

Views: 5,167,792

Keywords: laser cutter, william osman, crappy science, peter sripol, simone giertz, allen pan, colin furze, thehacksmith, michael reeves

Id: 6O9E8xRazTc

Length: 14min 14sec (854 seconds)

Published: Fri Dec 16 2022