I Had Everything & Still Fell Into a Pornography Addiction... 😔(Testimony)

in the height of my lust when I was going through  fornication and pornography something that I   always knew that I wanted in the future was a  wife and a family regardless of how many women   I had slept with regardless of how many times  I would watch pornography I knew that I wanted   to be a husband to one woman I wanted to love her  the right way at the time I didn't know that that   was the way that Christ loved the church I looked  at my father and the way that he loves my mother   I looked at my grandfathers and the way that  they loved my grandmothers and I knew that I   wanted that I knew that I wanted a good marriage  I wanted a um loving family and I wanted to lead   and love well as a man and so I knew that in  order to achieve that my lifestyle would have   to change currently and I would just evaluate  myself in a spiritual mirror in a sense and I   would look at my spiritual reflection and I would  say to myself you can't continue to live like this   I was a kid that you could say kind  of grew up in the American dream   um I grew up in the suburbs nice house safe  neighborhood um good upbringing I knew all   four of my grandparents um my mother my mother and  my father were both in my life they loved me well   um they weren't perfect like no human being is  but they did the best that they could in raising   me and loving me and showing me who Jesus was my  father was and is currently a pastor of a church   and so I was exposed to church all of my life  whether if I was in the world or if I was saved   I remember when I was a kid I would go to church  I didn't understand what worship was I didn't   understand what praise was and I honestly didn't  even know who Jesus was I just knew that this   was a person an entity who represented good or  something positive the opposite of Darkness right   and so I'm remember um I I always consistently  flash back to an image of my mother praising my   mother is a very expressive praiser my father when  he would preach he's very expressive um they're   both loud um and so my mom was just screaming and  shouting Hallelujah and I just remember watching   her and I I just did not understand at the time  and so I would have those consistent deposits   of going to church with my mother and my father  throughout my entire childhood and so you know   they never forced me to live for god um I believe  that their heart posture was this is what is being   presented before you and you have to make the  decision and so with that um like every normal kid   in society kids want to be cool kids want to be  accepted kids want to fit in with the crowd and so   um from I would say around kindergarten to fourth  grade I would say that I was just doing my thing   I wasn't really you know engulfed in wickedness  to the degree that the enemy wanted me to but   fifth grade was that Mark for me and I remember  it specifically because how the devil did it was   he did it in increments so one thing I noticed  was from the transition of fourth grade to fifth   grade fifth grade was the first time I would  use profanity passively and so from from the   time I was born to fourth grade I never cursed I  never said a word of profanity regardless of how   angry or frustrated I was even if I heard kids  doing it I never did it but fifth grade was that   moment where I crossed the line of using profanity  profanity Loosely didn't care how I said things or   what I said and so it was stepping stones and I  would just consistently try to fit in I started   to listen to music outside of gospel music and  that also wasn't my Norm either so I I literally   did these things just to be cool and then when  I was in sixth grade I heard one of the people   that I went to school with talk about pornography  and I didn't watch it at the time but it was just   the fact that it was it was in my system and so  I don't remember the specific time but I know it   was after that moment it was after sixth grade  I remember I was in the car with my mom and it   was weird I just didn't understand why there was  just such a burning desire to investigate certain   things and so I remember I was in the car with her  and I started searching on YouTube kissing scenes   or sex scenes in movies I would just look at it  and I was excited I wanted to investigate and   I remember I kept scrolling on YouTube tube and  there was a scene that was available on YouTube   and it but it wasn't a scene of a movie it was a  porn scene and so it wasn't the full clip you know   um but it was two pornographic actors you know  doing what they were doing and it gave the link   to the website and so I didn't do I didn't look  at the website in with my mom in the car because   I was too scared to do that so immediately when  I got home I searched up the website and that was   the first time I had like watched porn for real  for real like the very first time and I remember   um where I was and what was going through my mind  and I I wasn't even sexually aroused by it I was   just curious um and I just kept looking at it and  continuously looking at it more and more and then   as hormones begin to grow I started to become  you know more and more sexually aroused and so   I remember um it got to a point where I would just  watch it consistently but then watch it turned to   touching and so you know when I look at my life  and how I was introduced to sexual perversion   um it just shows me that it was just something  that the enemy had for me I wasn't touched   inappropriately I wasn't coerced to do anything  I literally just had this flaming burning desire   um to fulfill in a lustful way and so I remember I  was in my basement and I was watching pornography   and I just started touching myself um nobody  taught me how to masturbate it was literally just   something that I did when I figured out how to do  that and I ended up um receiving an ejaculation or   an orgasm I would just then it was it just turned  into a greater level of addiction and addiction   and so I literally would watch pornography  before school after school every single day   from the beginning of seventh grade to I would  say the beginning of my freshman year in college   every day consistently and so and that time I was  still going to church and there were things that   were happening in my life while I was while I  was partaking in this lifestyle when I looked   back it shocked me I remember I would go to  my mother would always drop me off at high   school and she would say remember who you are and  whose you are and so these these were the kind of   deposits and the things that stuck with me and so  um I remember even in high school I would go home   after masturbating and I would go to my basement  and I would turn on uh worship music and I would   lift my hands and cry in the presence of God I  didn't know that's what it was at the time but I   just felt this urge pulling me into the basement  where nobody was watching um and I would just   listen to gospel music and just cry I didn't say  anything about Jesus I didn't say anything about   God but I would just cry and listening I would  consistently listen to worship music and this was   literally all happening I'm remember I would go to  youth conferences and people would ask me to lead   prayer on stage as I'm just living any kind of  way and people would come to me after and say oh   wow like that prayer was so powerful and I didn't  really take anything of it because in the back of   my head I I know that I'm not living this life or  living for this God that I'm praying for for real   and even the understanding that I was not living  for him didn't really bother me either and so   um when I was in high school while I was watching  pornography and addicted to that there was also   still a level of insecurity that I had because  I was a virgin as I said earlier kids want to   fit in kids want to feel like that they belong  you know and so um I remember when I lost my   virginity I felt like I guess you could say a  champion I felt like I accomplished everything   that I uh could have accomplished in life but Lord  knows that it was the beginning of me going into I   guess you could say a tunnel of depression suicide  um anger rage and even rejection I felt so alone   and as I said in the beginning I was somebody who  one could say had the perfect life I had parents   who loved me I had a nice house I had Financial  stability I never missed a meal my parents never   struggled I could have had whatever I wanted  and I'm blessed to know that but in the midst   of having family in the midst of having security  financially in the midst of having a nice warm   home to go to where I know that I would be loved  and cared for I still felt alone and I remember   even in that house I was alone by myself and I had  the biggest temptation to take my life I remember   I was I was calling people and they couldn't  answer me they did not answer me because   they were unavailable I don't know if they were  busy but I remember I called the closest people   um to me in my circle at the time and none of  them were able to answer and things were just   um happening I guess in their lives  and so in that moment I felt alone   um I literally was contemplating jumping off of  the deck of my house and just taking my life there   because I just felt so empty and I just didn't  know what to do I didn't know how to get out of   this place it just felt so hopeless and so I would  go to parties and I would hang out with people I   would have friends I would laugh and I would joke  with them when we would go do our Hangouts and   stuff but I just felt so empty by myself and  so do you know where uh not even looking back   where that was coming from or where that was  stemming from that that feeling of just alone   I believe it came from the fact that I was  just leaning into things that could only give   me temporary satisfaction I know it's cliche but I  needed the Lord and so I didn't know that I needed   him but I was continuously reaching out for things  that couldn't give me what I needed and so they   they instead of healing the deficiency of my Souls  they were emphasizing them they were increasing   them and so it just got worse and worse and worse  I remember there would be days I would wake up   depressed didn't know why emotionally unstable  didn't know why fresh just just frustrated   and I think what I would consistently just not  understand was the fact that I had these people   that loved me it wasn't like I didn't it wasn't  that there weren't people in my life that did   not love me I told you that I knew all four of my  grandparents and all of them expressed their love   for me and even when my mother's parents passed  away I still had my father's parents who shouted   me with their love that took me into their home  every summer would buy me stuff spoil me would   consistently just talk about how much I was valued  and how much I mattered yet I still did not feel   that for myself so there was a disconnect because  I had all of these people who had weight it wasn't   like these Were Strangers these were these were  my family members this was my mother my father who   birthed me and raised me from since I was a little  boy going into a teenager telling me that I matter   telling me that I am loved telling me that um I  have hope and I have a God has a plan for me and   I didn't believe any of that I remember it just  continued to get worse and worse and that's when   you know the fornication started to get more and  more um frequent I started to find validation in   women in in the women that were willing to allow  me to sleep with them or that thought that I was   attractive but what I always noticed is regardless  of how broken I was or regardless of what kind of   of sin that dwelled in my life at the time there  was a line that I did not cross there there there   were and when I say a line that I did not cross  I'm specifically talking about the way that I   choose to think or the way that I choose to have  thought and so these actions were wrong and I   knew that I never once Justified My Lifestyle so  when I would go and have sex with um girls I would   know in the back of my head that this was wrong I  didn't read the Bible at the time so I didn't know   that the Bible said that fornication was wrong  but inwardly I knew that it was wrong it would   get there were times where I would skip church to  go have sex with girls and at that time you know   I was also thinking of the fact like wow I it was  a subtle thought in the back of my head like wow   I'm a pastor's kid you know my father is out here  preaching the gospel every Sunday ministering to   God's people and his son is living like this and  it was just a subtle thought in my mind and I was   just I knew that it's funny I knew that there was  better but I just didn't want to pursue it and   it was it was a form of I don't know I can't even  formulate the words but looking back at it I just   know that I was confused I just know that I didn't  have any direction I just know that I didn't   um I just knew that I was lost one of the things  that I take with me all the time when I reflect   on my testimony is the fact that in the height of  my lust when I was going through fornication and   pornography something that I always knew that  I wanted in the future was a wife and a family   and regardless of how many women I had slept  with regardless of how many times I would watch   pornography I knew that I wanted to be a husband  to one woman I wanted to love her the right way at   the time I didn't know that that was the way that  Christ loved the church but I looked at my father   and the way that he loves my mother I looked at  my grandfathers and the way that they loved my   grandmothers and I knew that I wanted that I knew  that I wanted a good marriage I wanted a um Love   loving family and I wanted to lead and love well  as a man and so I knew that in order to achieve   that my lifestyle would have to change currently  and so there were these consistent one would say   come to Jesus moments where they were real subtle  and I would just evaluate myself in a spiritual   mirror in a sense and I would look at my spiritual  reflection and I would say to myself these are   things that you know you want this is a lifestyle  that you know that you want in the future and so   in order to achieve this in the way that you want  you can't continue to live like this so whether   if you choose to stop whether if you choose to  continue just know what you say that you strongly   want and desire cannot coexist with these habits  and so I I would consistently still go to church   day in and day out but what I what what would  consistently happen to me still was there would   be times that I would go to I remember I would  go to these conferences these youth conferences   and I would just cry under the tangible power of  God and I didn't I didn't understand why because   at the time I didn't even understand the love  of God like that I didn't know that God could   love me so much in the midst of my sin even though  knowing how he feels about it that he could touch   me so tangibly I remember there would be days  it would just be randomly I would just cry and   weep when I would listen to gospel whether if I  was by myself whether if I was in church whether   if I was at a conference it just seemed like God  had his way of still touching me and regardless of   whatever I was in and even when I wasn't really  interested in pursuing him he still touched me   I genuinely believe that it was the prayers of  my mother my father my grandparents that really   you know kept me because there were small  deposits that I would hold on to even in   my lifestyle of wickedness and so fast forward  After High School well during high school I'll   even say this I struggled a lot with insecurity  as well insecurity with my physical appearance   I was bullied a lot I was made fun of a lot and  that really broke me down and that was one of the   things that fueled my desire to fornicate it was  because you know these guys think that I'm soft   or they think that I'm lame or they think that I'm  a nobody so let me show them let me prove that let   me prove to myself and to them that I have a level  of Swag or a smoothness to me simply because of   the fact that I'm sexually active now and so that  was simply because that I didn't have an identity   that's something else that's just interesting  to me about it once again is I know I said   um the value thing but even identity how the  enemy would try to steal that you know and you   and you really honestly operate an identity theft  because I was told consistently once again who I   was like this is somebody who is not abandoned  I was not abandoned people were not at my My   Father Was Not absent at all my mother was not  absent at all I was consistently reminded day   in and day out about my identity of who I was  my mother I literally remember before I would   go to school sometimes my mother my father and I  we would pray before I would leave school and my   my father and my mother they would cover me  my mother she would give me three kisses um   usually every day she would give me a kiss on the  forehead kiss on the left cheek kiss on the right   cheek father-son Holy Ghost and when she would do  that it would just be you know me remembering and   hearing but I I realized once again even though  all of that was consistently happening in my life   for some reason I still did not have identity I  still didn't realize that I myself had value and   meaning where your parents aware of everything  that you were dealing with from the addiction   to the identity problems and just everything  that you would dealing with in the background   they knew about the addiction I don't think that  they knew about the whole identity thing because   in their eyes probably they said yeah we're gonna  make sure that Jesse knows who he is um I'm glad   that you said that because I'm actually reminded  of a story where my parents they loved me so well   um I said earlier that when I would go to when  I would go to school every day before and after   school I would masturbate and watch pornography  one of those days I ended up watching pornography   and in the middle of the ACT my phone glitches and  I get a virus on my phone and so the scam says you   know you have to pay 500 and I knew it was a scam  because I heard about it I know how these things   work but the problem was is I knew that in order  for me to get out of this I had to tell my parents   because I didn't know how to I mean I took the  battery out of my phone that didn't work I put it   back in turn it off turned it on and I said okay  well I have no choice but to tell my mother and   my father and they just so happened to be in the  room together at the time I remember going into   their bedroom and I looked both of them Square in  the face and I said Mom Dad uh do you know what   masturbation is sitting here acting as if they  don't know and they said yes we do and I said well   uh do you know what porn is and I remember I was  so nervous like I I was so nervous because I'm I'm   like you guys are doing everything that you can  in your power to raise me right and your only son   is sitting here getting ready to tell you that he  has a virus on his phone from watching pornography   and we now have to take it to the atnt store  to get it fixed so when they told me that they   knew what pornography was I confessed to them  and I said hey Mom Dad I I've been watching   pornography and my phone shut down and there's  like a glitch in it and so I can't get out of it   it's a scam so I was just wondering if you guys  would be able to help me with that and my father   asked me for the phone he said let me see it and  when he did that I gave it to him but I felt so   ashamed I think this was it was this moment where  I really felt what condemnation was it was that   moment right there where condemnation came alive  to me um and I really felt the weight of sin even   though I didn't know of the Savior yet and so  um my father he he asked for the phone and I was   nervous to give it to him because on the glitch or  on the virus it took a picture of my face while I   was doing it and so when I looked at it I said  this is embarrassing this is humiliating when   this is over nobody's ever going to see this not  even my parents I didn't want my parents to see   that so the fact that another human being saw that  image of me you know on the phone even though it   was my father I just felt so ashamed I remember  my father and my mother my mother was just there   listening and you know because my father I was  assuming was speaking on behalf of the both of   them on what they felt I mean my father looked me  dead in the face and he said you are not an animal   and we do not look at you in disgust  and we love you you're our son after that I I felt so ashamed um shame is such  a powerful thing because I went to a high school   I went to an all boys high school where dang  near the whole entire School watched pornography   it was something that was talked about openly  amongst us because that's just what guys do right   and for some reason I felt ashamed to pull  my phone out the plan was to go to school   and my mother was going to pick me up and we were  going to go to the ATT store I remember literally   hiding my phone because I would carry my backpack  in school and I remember hiding my phone because I   didn't want anybody to see that and make fun of me  I didn't want to be the clown of the day because I   got a virus on my phone from watching pornography  even though everybody else was doing it which once   again emphasizes the shame and I even remember  uh when my mother picked me up and we went to the   ATT store she took my phone and she got outside  she she went she went into the store and I told   her I said Mom I'm not coming in I'm not I'm not  coming in because the the phone was you couldn't   turn the phone on or off like the screen was just  there the pornographic images weren't there but   the the glitch the virus was there so you would  have seen my face you would have seen the what I   guess you could say I would have gotten fined  for you would have seen my phone and you would   have known that I was a consistent Watcher of  pornography and I didn't want that to be exposed   to people that I didn't even know let alone my own  father and mother I think what also spoke to me   as well is she didn't care that that was me even  other people possibly seeing me she didn't care   um and I think that also spoke volume to me as  well the fact that even though I'm not coming in   to the store with you you you're holding this  phone that is evident that I've been watching   pornography and you know I look like a goofball  in a sense because I get a virus and you're not   ashamed as my mother as somebody who raised  me you simply are just so you're solution   oriented and you're saying okay we're just  gonna get the phone fixed and you know we'll   deal with whatever we need to later that story  holds so much weight in my life because and at the   time at the time I did not know what was happening  but I know for a fact as I've walked with Jesus   that story was a foreshadowing of what God would  handle me or how God would handle me and how God   would teach me how to handle others fast forward  to college I got accepted to the College of my   dreams everything worked out God was faithful  I remember I was crying on the airplane back to   um New York because that's where I stayed and I  went to school in North Carolina when I visited   the school and I found out that I got accepted  I remember crying on the plane because I was so   grateful to God so I would still consistently  have these moments where I would be expressive   towards my gratefulness to God that doesn't  necessarily mean that I was living for him but   I think when I look back at the story sometimes  I'm still shocked on how much I was able to feel   him in those moments because of the way that  I was living and because of how holy he is   I go to college and I continue my lifestyle but  I met one of my best friends the orientation not   during the school year but during the orientation  which was like the first couple of uh weeks before   we started school and I remember I met him and  it's literally a lifelong friendship now he and   I literally run a Ministry together he was saved  when I met him I was not saved at the time I was   not living for God at the time he knew who  I was called to be but I just did not know   and so I can just continue my lifestyle  and I remember one day there was a shift   a crazy shift in my life it's funny because I  I ended up fornicating with this one girl and   I didn't know what soul ties were at the time  nor did I know that they exist and So what had   happened was is I ended up having consistent sex  with this individual and a soul tie took place   and um I found out that they were involved  with another individual and I was hurt by it   even though her and I did not have any commitment  lined up there was no definition to what it was we   were just one could say I guess friends with  benefits or whatever but there was something   in my heart that felt that she was more than  my friend and so I remember when I found out   that she was involved with another person I was  hurt and so that was another sobering moment to   me because I recognized and I didn't know at the  time how Christ is with us as a people and so that   led me to kind of cut off the whole fornication  thing but not because the Lord told me to simply   just because I didn't like what it could lead  to and how it could possibly make me feel again   I remember when I cut that off there was a one one  could say a spiritual Mentor that just came into   my life I would see him in passing in my dormitory  and we would just talk about Jesus and so the   thing was with me is whether if I lived for God  or not I knew the language because I grew up in   church so some I grew up Baptist and so have you  ever been to a Baptist Church if you're gonna know   anything you're gonna know the Bible you are going  to know that book and so I knew scripture for days   man I'm talking I would pull versus sometimes and  I would just say things when I would pray or even   when I would talk to people and sometimes I'd be  shocked at the fact that I knew these verses so   I I had the churchy language I had the churchy  lingo but this is now where we're stepping into   where he's not just the god of my mom or my dad  but he's becoming the god of me and so when I met   this um young man who in a sense discipled me for  a quick season um we just started talking about   Jesus but I didn't um I didn't make up in my mind  to follow him yet um but it it was just the fact   that he and I were discussing him that I believe  God was using as seeds um and deposits for me to   get a radical yes from my life and so I remember  one day um during our homecoming now this is how   I know it's God because our homecoming it's  considered one of the most wildest homecomings   um when it comes to college life it's it's it's a  big thing the whole city the whole state of North   Carolina honestly gathers people drive hours fly  from Nations um States you know wherever they come   from whether if they're alumni or if people just  want to come they come I didn't really do anything   I stayed to myself in my room but on the Sunday  that the homecoming was getting ready to end so   how it works is there's a gospel concert every  Sunday after homecoming activities so you have   the whole week where you know the parties and  all that other stuff but then on Sunday they   have a gospel concert where the gospel choir  sings and they bring in an artist who comes   in and performs and so that Sunday I remember  I was getting ready to fornicate again with   a young woman that I was entertaining before we  started college we kind of just fell off and then   came back so we started um talking again and so  she invited me to her room and so I ended up going   to her room and this was the Sunday that we were  having that gospel concert I ended up going to her   room but something occurred in my life that has  never happened before and I know that this is a   supernatural experience she um was unclothed um I  was in bed with her but my body was not responding   at all and I was kind of scared honestly I was  very scared actually because I'm I said this   is not this is not how I operate this is not  how I work why is this happening so after that   when I realized that my body's not responding to  this form of Temptation supernaturally I hear um a   voice and I have an inclination to leave the room  which is also something that has never happened   to me before and mind you I did not give my life I  did not rededicate my life to Christ yet like the   Lord was telling me leave like leave don't don't  stay here and I remember I turned away from her   um I turned away from her in the bed and I faced  the opposite direction of the wall and I was   looking at the wall and I just had this wrestle  in my mind for about like five to ten minutes I   and the thing is I really I really wanted to  fornicate that day like I want I was I was I   wanted to lead into temptation but physically  I literally could not and the torment in my   mind of staying in that room was just too great  so I ended up leaving immediately when I left   I'm talking like when I left her dormitory  and the door closed I received a phone call   from the guy that I told you about my mentor my  discipler and what he says to me he says Hey Jesse   um I have this free ticket to the Kirk Franklin  concert do you want to come and if you come don't   worry about gas don't worry about rides or  anything because I have a car and I have gas   just come and I'll take you and I'm like wow  okay so this is the initiation where I start   to develop my history with God and so I go into  my uh dorm room 117 Curtis Hall I go into my dorm   room and I call my mom and I told my mom what  happened I said mom like I was getting ready to   um have sex with a girl and for some  reason I just couldn't and I left   um I felt like I Heard a Voice to leave and I told  her I said and then immediately after I left you   know somebody just calls me and says hey like you  want to come to the Kirk Franklin concert and she   just you know she knew what the Holy Spirit was  doing in that moment and so she was happy for me   she didn't say too much though because I think she  still carried the posture of if you're gonna make   this decision let it be your decision so um when  I get off the phone with her as I'm changing and   getting ready for the concert the Lord says to me  Jesse if you follow me if you obey me I will take   you places that you thought you could never go  I will open doors for you that you thought you   would never stand in front of and so in that  moment I gave my life to Christ literally in   that moment and I said okay Lord I will serve you  for me it didn't take much I felt like that was a   sign and even still as I was growing in the faith  I did not know that that was a prophetic sign of   what God was going to do and literally what he was  doing in the moment because I didn't have a ticket   I didn't have access I didn't have any money  at the time I was a college kid somebody calls   me says here's this ticket that was paid for I  didn't pay for it and says hey come in my vehicle   I'll take you and so I remember from that point  on I made a conscious choice to serve the Lord   Jesus after that about two days after I just  didn't I just didn't realize how real God was   um because even after that those little deposits  I remember earlier I said I didn't understand why   my mom praised so hard why my father preached so  hard but in the midst of these circumstances that   I was having in my life I began to understood  and it went from a place of me spectating to   participating now and so my praise became radical  if you know anybody who knew me when I got saved   I mean I didn't care what I looked like if Jesus  was in the room my dignity went out the window   um whether if I was crying snotting whether  if I was jumping hollering it didn't matter   if if God was there he was going to receive  praise and worship from me and I just made   that conscious decision and there was so much  freedom in it and so um I remember I was in the   cafeteria and the Lord told me he said you need  to get tested for sexually transmitted diseases   and I said first off I can't believe that you  said something like that to me because I expect   you to speak in the language of thee thou and  theyest and all that stuff but the fact that   you God the creator of the universe is telling me  go get tested for sexually transmitted diseases I   thought I had something I thought I had AIDS I  thought I had HIV honestly because what it what   is your mindset when somebody who is all-knowing  and all wise tells you to get tested for sexually   transmitted diseases obviously it means that you  have it right so I I said okay Lord I'm in the   middle of eating a burger the Lord interrupted my  meal and so um I think either that same day or the   next day I went to the Health Center and when  I went to the Health Center I said hey I want   to get a test for sexually transmitted diseases  so like the needle and you know urinating in the   cup and all of that when I was in that room or  when I was in that Health Center I was in there   probably about like 45 minutes but it felt like  I was in there for hours like for hours at a time   because when I was there I was reflecting  every girl that I slept with every girl that   I did something sexually with every time I watched  pornography every time I felt a push from the Holy   Spirit to go into another Direction when I was a  teenager and did not decide to listen every time   and so once again as it was when I was confessing  my pornographic addiction to my parents once again   I understood the weight of condemnation but this  time I was saved so in addition to feeling that   condemnation I understood how much I needed the  blood of Jesus I understood how much I needed   the power of the Gospel in my life I understood  how much I needed a savior I understood how much   of a sinner I was and how unclean I was and  how I needed to be clean and made whole again   and so I remember um I was so nervous I was so  fearful and I remember the nurse or not the nurse   but the health worker when she was taking my  blood my arm was shaking like literally it was   twitching because of how nervous I was and so  she looked at me she said what's wrong with you   and I said you know I have um a sexual pass  and you know I want to change or I'm going to   change but I just want to know I just want  to make sure that I don't have anything   that Health worker looked at me dead in my face  and said you're fine you don't have anything   I said woman are you crazy and I did it I didn't  know this so this is the thing in my walk with   Christ I was never opposed to the supernatural  but I never been exposed to it to a degree like   that you know when she said that I said oh  okay how did I I really didn't even combat   it mentally in my head I'm like this woman is  crazy she doesn't know a lick of what she's   talking about because the results didn't even  come in yet so how in the world could you know   I don't I didn't know at the time that the  Holy Spirit can tell people things about you   I remember I left and she said you're you're  gonna get your results in about a week to two   weeks or something like that I get my results  three days later and I remember exactly where   I was standing where I was I was standing in  between my dormitory and the dormitory of the   girls that I was planning to uh sleep with during  that gospel uh during that gospel concert I stood   in the middle of that they sent me an email and  um when I read it I was negative for everything   gonorrhea negative HIV negative HPV negative  AIDS negative and when when I when I read it   I just looked up to the sky and I know I told  you that I grew up in the Baptist Church and   so we would know scripture like the back of our  hand and so one of the scriptures that I would   hear is there are now there is now therefore no  condemnation to them that live in Christ Jesus   and so that was the scripture that immediately  came to mind I know I told you that I gave God   a yes in my dormitory but when he did that for me  oh I gave him a crazier yes it was like somebody   flipped the switch in my life and for me I know a  lot of people they you know they came out of that   lifestyle and they have you know STDs and there's  no shame to them but specifically for me and my   testimony that was God's way of expressing to me  that the condemnation and the weight of my sin   had no authority over me anymore and so from then  on I started to just serve god um when I started   to lean into God I didn't dream like as much  before I before I was saved when I gave God a yes   dream life skyrocketed I'm talking I'm having  dreams about things that God is showing me in   the future I'm having dreams of myself preaching  in front of hundreds of people in a big church I'm   having dreams of my parents getting filled with  the Holy Ghost uh with the evidence of speaking   in tongues I'm having I'm having dreams of uh  people's lives and intricate details of their   lives I'm having prophetic dreams I remember  one time my very first prophetic dream that   I had I had a dream that I got into a car  accident in my vehicle with somebody else   riding shotgun next to me the exact details where  we got rear-ended and the person looked at me and   when they looked at me they opened their mouth  like I can't believe they just hit you and so   that same day I got rear-ended with that person  in my car and they looked at me and they said   I can't believe that they just rear-ended you now  I didn't know that I had a gift um but like this   was something that was consistently happening so  after that person said that they looked at me and   they said Jesse you're a prophet and I did not you  know entertain that I'm just like wow this is very   interesting okay um just kind of left it alone  just kind of left that in the dust and I just said   I'ma just walk with the Lord and go about life  like I said there were a lot of things that I was   not exposed to but when God started introducing  me into the culture of the supernatural I was at   a conference so the youth conferences that I used  to pray at when I was not saved they had another   one after my freshman year of college the summer  after my freshman year I was in a conference in   Fayetteville North Carolina and there were  there were a bunch of young people that went   to the Altar and I remember the pastor who was  preaching at the time he said stretch your hands   towards the Altar and pray for these individuals I  don't remember what he was praying for I think he   was praying against uh the rejection or something  in regards to Soul trauma or Soul healing and I   remember I stretched my hands towards them and I  began to pray and when I began to pray I started   to speak in tongues supernaturally nobody touched  me nobody laid hands on me I remember I started   to pray and uncontrollably I started to speak in  tongues I could not stop it um and even when I   tried to when I closed my mouth immediately when  I opened my mouth it began to happen again I've   never experienced something like this before so  I didn't know what to do but I just let it flow   also God would increase his tangibility upon me  at a greater magnitude so when I would feel God   in a room I would feel this strong heat in my  belly it was a supernatural experience it felt   like there was literal fire in my belly and I  could it was just when I knew that I felt the   presence of God and the anointing was strongly  in the room and then even in the midst of that   like I told you I had dreams of family members  speaking in tongues I had dreams of my mom healing   a blind person you know going up to somebody who  was blind and saying open your eyes and see and   that person seeing and stuff and so um God was  just really showing me um what it was to move in   the Supernatural and to really expose me to that  lifestyle and so I remember um during that time I   had an encounter a very Vivid encounter um that  was that was higher like much more tangible and   real to me I remember I was in my house back home  because this was my sophomore year we got kicked   off of school because covid-19 had hit so we had  to do school online and so I remember I went to   sleep and when I went to sleep I get snatched  out of my body so it was like go to sleep boom   somewhere in the spirit realm and so I'm in this  place and I'm not in a room because I'm floating   there's no wall there's no ceiling and there's no  floor but I'm floating I know I'm floating and I   don't I don't see him but I hear his voice it was  the voice of the Lord Jesus he said one word to me   he said and I'm going to imitate it the best  way that I can because it was like it was as if   he was yelling but Whispering at the same time  it's just mysterious and he said to me he said and I remember after he said that I felt  this downward motion back into my body from   wherever the heck I was and I'm back in my body  that encounter was probably about five to ten   seconds long and it it happened right when I went  to sleep and when it was over it was morning time   and I woke up and so I knew that that encounter  marked me I didn't know specifically how or   um what took place during that I know that I was  labeled as something that I didn't really have   understanding for and so the the funny thing is  that person that I got in that car accident with   they called me a prophet way before that happened  but even before this encounter people were calling   me that I never called myself that I didn't go  and uh flaunt and be like hey I'm a prophet like   or anything like that because I didn't know the  logistics of that office that got ordained but I   knew it was serious and I knew you don't just you  don't just go around saying something like that   unless you are sure that God tells you and so I  said okay Lord like if this is who you have called   me to be and this is your plan for my life then  as I follow you and as I obey you're going to make   it happen and so after that people started calling  me that like on Instagram people started saying it   like profit and this and profit that and I'm like  stop calling me that like I'm just a young man who   loves Jesus as that happened I started to grow it  more and more in the faith my praise just became   even more intense more intense and more intense  and so I remember while this is all happening   flashback to freshman year I ended up getting in  a relationship romantically with someone that the   Lord did not initiate me to start I'm the one  that started it I went up to this person I said   hey like I want you to I want to be your boyfriend  can you be my girlfriend and God didn't tell me   anything I remember I literally prayed to God and  I asked him Lord what do you think about this and   he didn't respond and so I I took that as a yes  because I wanted what I wanted and so here I am   falling back into sexual sin again I  remember one time I led prayer at a   church and then the day after I got a plan B  because of what had happened the night before   and so and this is this is this is after Christ  this is after I started really serving the lord   um and so I felt I felt like such a hypocrite  the shame you know the weight and I and and I   realized you know there's a there's an old song  that says the safest place is to be in the will of   God and so I realized the the dangers of stepping  outside of his will but what I what I remember   consistently is when I reflect on this moment I  think about the time where my father and my mother   discovered my pornographic addiction and how they  handled me in the midst of all of that God was   still touching me I was still growing spiritually  I was still having encounters with him he would   still show me things in his word and even in that  one area where I was in a sense being rebellious   and disobedient God was still merciful to me  until I had the courage and the willingness to   disconnect from that relationship and even after  I disconnected from the relationship the condom   nation was still there because in my mind I said  Lord I can't believe that I rebelled against you   for so long I can't believe that I ignored your  spirit for so long I can't believe I was crying   out to you praying consistently reading your word  prophesying to people and still rebelling against   you in my heart concerning this specific area in  my life I can't believe I did that and it was the   fact that the Lord still was merciful to me that  just blew my mind and he it was almost like once   I repented and I mean that's that's how it works  like once I repented he didn't bring it up again   I brought it up you know when I would when I would  go to prayer and I would um talk to God about this   God would talk to me about it because I brought  it up he never brought it back up to me after I   repented and said Lord I'm sorry I still want to  follow you I still want you to lead me in my life   and so that really blessed me knowing that the  fact that God would still touch me tangibly that   and and he would initiate the touch there would be  times where I would feel so condemned I wouldn't   even want to pray but his presence was so tangible  in the room and he would touch me he would tell   me that he loved me he would he would shower me  with his love with with um his acceptance you know   even though I was dealing with condemnation and  I felt disqualified from his touch and so after   I after I disconnected with the person it just  skyrocketed even more um because now there were   no distractions and I knew that I was in the will  of God and so more opportunities opened up for me   to you know express my gift as I healed and as I  matured in God I learned more about the nature of   Jesus I was able to really submit and understand  what it was like to be like him without any other   distractions and so I was simply just growing  with god um and and understanding how he felt   about me and on understanding who he destined me  to be I just continued to grow and then afterwards   I ended up getting ordained as a prophet in  in in the church that I currently serve at   now and you know in between that time from the  time that I disconnected from the relationship   I can literally say it was only God you know he  and I under I asked God I said Lord why why are   you progressing me to this um magnitude because  you know my leader and my brothers and sisters   in the faith they would say yes you're growing  so fast you're accelerating and I asked the Lord   I said Lord if if this is what people are saying  why why why is this happening why if you are the   you are the alpha and the Omega so why is it  that time is just going so fast for my growth   and he told me he said because I was obedient and  I was still kind of confused because I said Lord   I really wasn't though like you you've been asking  me for essentially a over a year to disconnect   from this and I did not so what do you mean that  I was obedient when I was looking at the fact that   I was rebelling for over a year and God literally  was just showing me his heart once again he just   honored the fact that I muffled up the courage and  the willingness and the love for him to still obey   and so he he told me he said yes you rebelled  and yes you went against my word but eventually   you came out and the fact that you still did I am  pleased and I am honored God has had a consistent   trend of putting me in places that I did not feel  qualified for putting me in positions putting me   in opportunities that I did not feel qualified  for but when I look back at the testimony or when   I look back at the beginning of the Journey of me  having Christ in my life what I said was he said   to me if you follow me and if you obey me I will  put you in places that you never thought you would   go I would put you in front of doors that you  never thought that you would ever stand up stand   in front of and so to me when I thought about it  I'm like wow Lord you are fulfilling the promise   you made to me when I was 19 years old and now  I'm 23 four years you know in the Lord I haven't   been perfect but I know that God has walked with  me and has consistently guided me through this   process and so even now as I've been walking with  the Lord my praise it just gets more radical my   my shout gets more louder my my excitement for  Jesus it increases every single day because I   simply just think about who I used to be and what  he did in my life and and what he is consistently   still turning me into as a man and I look at it  and I say it was all him it was literally all him   Jesse for for people who are uh dealing with  that pornography addiction which we know is   very much present uh in the church um as people  follow Jesus Christ what can you say to those   people who are watching you and maybe even  if they're not um following Jesus if they're   just dealing with a pornography addiction I mean  dealing with that shame what can you say to that   person uh what's a word of encouragement that  you can give them my word of encouragement is   and I hope they don't misinterpret what I'm  saying you cannot shock God one of the things   that I struggled with when I was dealing with  sexual sin during that relationship and even   um the fornication piece as well after  Christ is I literally thought that when   God saw me that was all he saw and what that  is is because coming out of that lifestyle   it's not about your actions it's about your mind  and then your mindset affects your actions that's   why repentance means to change your mind so if  that's the only thing you'll if that if that's   the only thing that you focus on that is what  you will begin to turn your attention to and   you're more than likely entertain that activity  but when you come from a place of becoming sin   conscious to Christ conscious that's where freedom  is when you when you instead of saying okay like   resisting this temptation it's difficult and you  know all of that stuff which is good you should   resist temptation but you can't do it in your own  strength so you have to lean in the strength of   God so in those moments where you feel weak and  you want to fall say Lord help me keep me he's   not expecting you to be perfect that's why he came  so the advantage that we have is to come to him in   the moment of our weaknesses and ask him to give  us strength to overcome the moment of Temptation   Jesse who is Jesus to you who Jesus is  my everything um I'll say this and I'm   very confident that this is true without  Jesus Christ I would have committed suicide   because he gave me a reason to live I'm reminded  of the scripture you asked who Jesus is Jesus   said in John 14 I am the way the truth and the  life and so Jesus gave me a reason to breathe he   gave me purpose he he's my purpose Giver he's my  destiny Giver he's my hope he's my light at the   end of the tunnel and so I can genuinely say  the fact that I'm standing here breathing in   front of you and I did not fall into the Trap of  taking my own life is because of the resurrecting   power that he possesses he's my Escape Route to  when I felt that things couldn't get better when   I felt that things could not work out on my end  he overturned the odds that were stacked against   me and used them for his glory any last words  Jesse for people who are watching your testimony   we all come from different backgrounds different  placements in life one could say like I said that   I grew up with the American dream both parents  um decent life but I will say that regardless of   who you are where you are the lifestyle that  you are currently in or the lifestyle that   you currently desire to come out of there  is an Escape Route and his name is Jesus   he can reach you wherever you are and I also  say don't ignore the tugs of the Holy Spirit   don't ignore the times where you feel  this Force externally other than yourself   telling you how you should go about life how  you should walk how you should behave what   you should say what you should not say because  that's not a force that's the Holy Spirit and   he he's pulling on you and knocking out your  heart and if you answer it will be the best   decision I'm telling you I'm standing here not  just as somebody who's talking but I'm standing   here or sitting here rather as somebody who is a  witness if you say yes to the knock of your heart   from the Lord Jesus Christ it will be the best  decision that you have ever made in your life

Channel: Delafé Testimonies

Views: 528,132

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Id: KDbKTodzbh8

Length: 59min 36sec (3576 seconds)

Published: Thu Feb 09 2023