I’ve Always Been Shady | Joey Diaz

I mean was it hard for you to like stop looking for okay here there's the next drug deal there's the next or I could steal there and then I can make like to turn that off that mechanism off in your brain just because you look you've you work that muscle the same way you work to did too okay well I got the longest yard even at that point if you come to me insanity than a ball ID so do you want me to [ __ ] you and tell you I went drunk no in 2004 you came to me and said I need to buy a quarter ounce of coke and I knew you I gotta take it to my brother he's visiting out here from Boston and the guy he worked for what's a half ounce of coke Oh in a heartbeat that's two hundred in my pocket and a grandma blow why wouldn't that's three bills for just taking a ride but when I stopped doing coke it was the funniest thing three months later people coming to me with cash white people always thought I was shake it shake it what's that word shady shady so they were always like I'll give you half now and half when you come back that type of [ __ ] or you know I was always one of those things when I stopped doing coke ninety days later I'll never forget one day sitting in the park like the comedy store I went to do comedy obviously and somebody came up to me something know well for a long time and in their hand they probably had a thousand bucks and they said to me can you get me this much coke the next three days I have relatives in town ten years ago I would have taken that [ __ ] money them to meet them there tomorrow at 6:00 and next year I would have a sudden gig in Pittsburgh and I'll give them the money in a week and I know blow that's the type of guy I was I give you the money back but there was gonna be a couple days where I disappeared I don't know what happened my phone got lost the pager got swallowed by the parent you know I was one of those dudes you got your money I always gave everybody that money back you know oh I give them the coke back and take a big chunk of cut coke out of it and they call me and go Joey what is this oh that's the way the guy gave it to me well I gotta give it back to the guy I can't give it back to the guy the guy went back to Vegas you want to drive to Vegas now the kids stuck with it I would do something shitty that way wouldn't stress you out when people were like where's my money where's my Carl glide on look at me do I look stressed out no no towards the end give a [ __ ] from I didn't give a [ __ ] for a long time like after I got divorced I told you I bump into that dude they gave me the two pounds for the the $8,000 at that time and I had another guy that gave me membership for the Mafia he gave me money and I signed him up too like a man application and I thought what a mallet I mean this is the dumbest thing ever you know that kid was calling me till about five years ago hey I live in San Jose I never heard from those people but I did give you two grand I don't know what happened listen to me I'll call you when I get the sand was there and I never call that's how crazy I was I stand out with this dude Mike running and I learned to him well my mother died I started hanging out with him like in 1980 and from 80 to 80 [ __ ] three it was an education because he really didn't give a [ __ ] oh he would walk behind the store take cigarettes and walk out of this floor right in front it was our friend store and then look back not not even acknowledging and my friend pulled me over and his brother and said but what's up with Mike Ronnie just comes and he it takes cigarettes along sir there's some people like that don't [ __ ] give a [ __ ] I'm so jealous of that I'll never forget him betting with a bookie losing and saying [ __ ] that guy and the guy saying come on I'm gonna beat you up come over and beat me up huh [ __ ] you and your [ __ ] 300 our bet [ __ ] you [ __ ] you and I learned a ton from him cuz those [ __ ] use work from time to time you got to tell somebody go [ __ ] himself from time to time so they work towards dia this is story one time I was in Seattle I was living in an office above Josh Wolf's bar Josh wolf had a Lobo logo and this is 1996 and what I would do is I would find grapes in those days I had a sports betting service I got this [ __ ] phone company to give me credit with no deposit they are gave me an 800 number and a phone line with I don't know how unlimited 10 minutes 10 cents a minute I don't know what this company will they came from I've never heard from them again this is 1996 this new cell company or didn't feel like a $10,000 bill so oh oh so I had a 1-800 number so you call me and then I had two different numbers to call out and what I would do is I had a guy in San Diego that had a huge sports betting company but he only signed you for the season okay a lot of people like why am I gonna pay you at 3,000 for the season but if you sucked the first month and I'm stuck with you that's why I come in I would he would give me your name like call you know Lisa ad people of Bamba here you know people obamas not really Pete but I'm not I don't have time right now Pete listen shut the [ __ ] up I got your name and number from my friend he says you want a role for the year I don't want to sign people for the year the type of play I am in one [ __ ] month you're gonna get so much money you're not even you don't even want to know me no more but I can't I got a lot of customers I let make up some cockamamie story and I'm gonna sign them for a month two thousand two hundred and fifty dollars for the [ __ ] month unlimited if whenever I get you get if I get Chinese ping-pong if I get to [ __ ] go fish than a wrestling in a park and [ __ ] Chicago you're gonna get that the winner of that [ __ ] that and I'd sign him for the month for unlimited picks I'll limit of picks and I give them three picks a week cops they'd be calling me for seven [ __ ] you three we're gonna make money I'm gonna give you one on Saturday one early and then the winner of the Sunday night game of the total do you have any sources were you just picking them for yourself add some sources bigger than myself I knew some of the football players in the C log so that asking creepy questions looking good at practice I had asked him you know when you played against these guys how was the defense at the hit hard what do you think you know stupid thing not enough to make you bet money on it to be honest that way that's yours oh yeah I like I just I never I wouldn't even know every time we talked about the sports betting I can't imagine I can't believe you got people to pay just for like your what do you think is gonna happen what this time yeah but when I worked for a service they had real information they would have people and reps and [ __ ] like that oh really so they would actually yeah they they the reason why you paid them is because when I worked for the big company I worked for he had people Wow he had coaches and different players and you know he just had people it was they had a I forget what college it was for but like two or three weeks ago they had an assistant coach who wasn't even at the school anymore I think it was a what's the one in in Texas it's a D whatever it is I think I think it like me he was giving offensive game plans to other coaches it was I can't it's crazy that's it the toy you need so I wouldn't I didn't know those type of people I knew the type of people that would tell you that the quarterbacks in these [ __ ] up there's no injury report on it oh something gets hit once or twice it's gonna be bad you know he's not gonna be able to throw that far like different things that you knew that nobody else know and then during the game you look like a hero uh yeah his knee hurt what I tell you is [ __ ] you follow me that's the information that impresses people he was out on that is his god forbid his somebody he knows got hit by a [ __ ] train his mind's not been there for the last week that type of [ __ ] I know it's not available anymore but was numbers just the easiest thing in the world because you didn't have to have any it was just picking numbers you were literally just writing numbers down yeah that's it numbers are still available but it's a one-man operation and it's got to be in ethnic neighborhoods oh you think they still do it yeah yeah they still do I know for a fact they still do it if there's numbers and people have dreams it's a great racket yeah that replaced the only thing that [ __ ] it up was you know one of the Lala's and stuff came him but back to the story I was telling someone in this office I'm probably pulling down 800 a week on this little scam I got upstairs which ain't bad people sending me money to a Western Union and I would get you to go up there or I would pick the money up you can only go to Western a few times under your name so I would go one time I'd pay you a hundred to go with me I give Josh Bull 400 to go of me Gavin honey to hold me Brody I want you to go with me and I'd send the money to their name oh [ __ ] I forgot for me and just give me the money at the comedy club later there's one right here I knew all the Western units I knew where they all were so I never knew what Western teams were for never knew had anyway my money you could send it to me on PayPal yeah oh Jesus I'll even have to go to Western Union now you want the information give me a PayPal account set me 300 right now on PayPal that's it that's it so I got this guy here's where it gets ugly I was making money off guys call him up like I would be on the road and on Sunday more is that to get up early and call people on a dime on a pay phone with [ __ ] quarters because I was on the road I didn't have my energy lumber I'd have to call people do I hate Pete what's going on listen Joey I'm on the [ __ ] Road I'm on my way to Chicago I'm sitting in the [ __ ] box with the owner like I just [ __ ] and really you're doing comedy and you know I can Portland Oregon is a [ __ ] whole town I guess a woman getting beat next to me [ __ ] and like it's my hair on fire and I'm telling this guy on the phone I'm in the [ __ ] rich I got a butler his name is Charles he's massaging my anus you know [ __ ] like that meanwhile I'm in this [ __ ] dump and I'd say you know I sent you the information I'd have him Western you to me more money and have people pick it up for me I'd call Brodie whatever way you I picked up that morning I'll see you Monday night at the [ __ ] comedy club and then I would dispatch my my games but anyway I'm gonna bar one night and I start talking to this guy and we're talking back and forth next time we have Josh on he'll tell you I think we discussed it one time and we're talking about sports pop up I'm the guy goes I don't have a bookmaker I go well it's your lucky day I got a bookmaker and I did this for years I did this with dump uh with my ex drug dealer Oh No yeah I just do this all the time I just call you out and put a bug in here but with this guy he I told my gate I could call him bets fee and have to feel weak so I'm going to do [ __ ] to the bookmaker this guy was the kiss of death he was giving me a thousand to 1,500 every week and sometimes I wouldn't take his action so sometimes he called me if I didn't like the game I go listen he's had a [ __ ] game [ __ ] I want to get the next date call me mad god damn it I knew I could then when he'd call me and if I liked the game in fact he'd call me first and if I like let's say Dallas and they were playing the whose dad was playing next week I that Candace has a plank in the city no Kansas is AFC team Dallas is the balusters playing Green Bay oh you're right dad I'm in this [ __ ] room and you're the sports guy let's say Dallas is playing green by next week Dallas I don't know if Dallas I don't know what this I'm just making this up let's say Dallas is playing Green Bay in Dallas and Dallas is giving four points I love Dallas I would cook when he called me and asked me who I liked I'd pitch from Green Bay uh-huh oh yeah Green Bay stuff in fact I'm gonna bet a thousand on Green Bay myself well you reckon winner just so he will like he'd know with you know he lost for three we he would pick a winner but by that time he'd be nine hundred and he went 400 he still owed me the juice and the original $50 so I would get I was getting them every week finally me and me and Josh are going to Moscow Idaho we're leaving and I got to meet this guy this guy was my gas money this guy was my gas money we had no money the plan was to meet him really go out have a big hearty lunch an uncle Joey and fill that tank up and get a bag of wheat to drive to go like doctors we get down there I'm gonna collect them the other guys like no I'm not giving you the money this is like the fifth time in a row I've paid you and I still haven't met the mob guy and I'm like listen you don't want to meet nobody right now I need this [ __ ] loot and we argued for 20 minutes on the street he was yelling at me I'm not giving it tested I'm not gonna argue reno either you give me the money or you can't put no more bats in and by two weeks I got a knock on your door and I'm not threatening I'm just telling you what it is with these people I did you a favor and now you gonna do this to me now I gotta go pay the [ __ ] twelve on your field and I walked in the bar and three minutes later he came in okay I'll give you the money but next week I want to meet the guy and that was the last bet I took from absolutely all Joe that's when you know to take your yeah that was it [Music] you

Channel: Joey Diaz Clips

Views: 708,859

Keywords: Comedy, Mixed Martial Arts, Tom Segura, Eddie Bravo, NFL, Ari Shaffir, Funny, bert kreischer, Lee Syatt, Bobby Lee, doug stanhope, Joey Diaz, Brendan Schaub, Boxing, Bill Burr, UFC, Jon Jones, Theo Von, Jim Norton, podcast, Ron White, the church of what's happening now, Interview, Nate Diaz, Joey Diaz Stand Up, Joe Rogan, Conor Mcgregor, stand up, MMA, Ultimate Fighting Championship, Felipe Esparza, Dana White, joe rogan experience

Id: y-98ouIujmE

Length: 14min 42sec (882 seconds)

Published: Wed Nov 13 2019