How to use anger as a force for good | Marcia Reynolds | TEDxAtlanta

[Music] I don't know anyone who likes angry people the brain sees anger as a threat it's the main reason why we run from what may be a difficult conversation what's even more wasteful we run from our own anger we teach our children anger version early in life be nice don't hit your sister go to your room until you can be civil we shamed children for expressing themselves without trying to understand when I was 12 with no explanation I was moved from the class of smart kids who I'd known all my life to a class where they were already using drugs and alcohol I was lonely confused and angry so angry I stood on my destined screamed at my teacher that didn't go well years later I learned I was part of the school socialization experiments that pushed me down a ten-year hole of drug abuse instead of punishing me for acting out I wish someone would have asked me what my anger was about I was able to get out of that hole go on and earn advanced degrees jump hurdles to corporate management and own an international leadership training and coaching business once after speaking at a conference the woman asked me how I changed my life I struck her off she said I'm not asking to make you feel good I want to know if there's anything I can do to save my drug addict son that's when I realized I had to use my research to break down what I did to regain control of my life plenty of books will tell you you need a purpose deliberate actions and positive reinforcement to alter behavioral patterns while this may be true the secret to initiating change is often in the power of anger the energy of anger got me out of that hole anger was the strong emotional launch that put my desire to change into motion this is because anger taps into the brains circuitry for willingness it fuels the courage to act when we learn how to channel it it's the most powerful engine we have but you can't use your anger if you believe it to be bad or scary if you don't claim your anger the moment it's triggered it quickly hides under other emotions this shift is based on the story we create about what made us angry we get locked in our stories in the emotions attached to them and then we say well I'm not angry we can't even name it our judgment of anger makes us anger ignorant if we feel powerless we surrender in this story we say well there's nothing I can do about it we clench resentment in our hearts and we soldier on full of reasons for tolerating what felt hurtful well I can't say anything I'll be fired it will hurt my team or my children the excuses are never-ending on the other end of the scale is where we get stuck in a negative loop we judge they're jerks and stupid and then we want everyone to agree we're right just take a look at Facebook some people go back and forth between lashing out and giving up they bang their heads against the wall and then they say oh forget it hiding from anger will squeeze you into silence or poison you with cynicism the results can be devastating I stayed angry all my teenage years drugs numb the pain by the time I was 19 I was a full-blown heroin addict and wound up in jail my probation officer said I was a hopeless failure I hung on by complaining a lot and reeling about the inhumanity of it all to the guards that was a waste but I felt I needed to do something about the crappy food and medical care so I convinced my cellmate Vicky to get all her friends to help me stage a nonviolent protest which ended when five male guards rushed in grab Vicky and me drag this to isolation and slam the door behind this I said to her I'm sorry I shouldn't have got you into this it was a stupid idea I'm such a failure she sprung up pinned me against the wall and said failure you should be proud you have no idea who you are you're smart you're strong you care about people don't you give up when you get who you are in here you can do anything out there she was right who were these people who told me I wasn't good enough I'll show them three years after my release I graduated summa laude from Arizona State University it took a wise woman prostitute to give me the recognition and encouragement I needed you see my parents too told me I was smarter than the other kids and when I wasn't I was punished no matter how hard I tried being moved from the smart kids class was the tipping point anger erupts when what you believe should have happened didn't if you don't claim your anger in the moment you have to bring the moment back to know what to do with it right now think of someone who's been bothering you for a really long time got it where are you on the anger scale have you given up thinking there's nothing you can do or do you rant about it endlessly go back to the starting point what was it that you wanted that you didn't get approval understanding respect was the promise broken did you feel betrayed catch the moments take the story out of your head and look at it can you see what actually happened now it helps to write your story down or tell it to a friend or coach who won't tell you what to do tell the story name the injustice declare the ignorant say what it was flat out wrong this may make your face flush in your body tremble yes now you have two options you can keep it and act on it or you can release it from the neverending chatter in your brain the intensity of your anger will show you whether you should keep it or release it what will you mad about not getting is it important to you sometimes we realize our reactions don't match what was intended the school board meant to help your friend did not steal your promotion my parents did love me you can release it releasing it means you choose to feel something else when recalling the triggering event many of my clients work in toxic environments when they feel their rage and resentment bubble up they take out their phones and they look at their favorite pictures it's impossible to be angry when you're laughing or feeling loved now go back to the moment you were triggered can you use humor or love to dissolve your irritation this is how you release it but if what you didn't get is important to you then keep it and use it to activate a change once I was so mad at my boss for only giving me negative feedback behind his back I tried convincing every one of his incompetence one day I snapped why don't you fire me I never do anything right he said you always do a good job I have to tell you yes I need to hear it after a long pause he said yeah okay asking for what we need does not make us weak it's empowering can you ask for what you need or is there a change you're afraid to make set the dates even if you're afraid this is constructive anger now you can catch your anger the moment it's triggered this takes practice but if you know what anger feels like in your body will help you to choose what to do real time is it a punch in your stomach do your shoulders tighten in your neck some people clench their teeth if you choose to keep it and think what is it that you'd hope they would say but didn't what did they do that was hurtful let them know what they said or did that triggers your anger then request how you want the conversation to continue they may get defensive so what at least you won't be mad at yourself for not speaking up asking for what you need put you in control when you stop and look into your anger you choose what to do instead of your emotions choosing for you anger kept me moving even when my resolve was tested through rejections I faced being a felon the jobs I didn't get the people who judged me then there was sexual harassment betrayal by people I trusted and physical damage from drug abuse when hope is compromised anger gives me the power to stand up for the life I want to create stop avoiding anger it's not inherently ugly or dangerous there's a hidden treasure inside when you're brave enough to look at it you will know whether you should release it or keep the energy and act thank you [Music] [Applause]

Channel: TEDx Talks

Views: 70,568

Rating: 4.8816409 out of 5

Keywords: TEDxTalks, English, Life, Behavior, Communication, Emotions, Happiness, Life Development, Personal growth, Productivity, Psychology, Self improvement

Id: owZb9qub-RU

Length: 12min 41sec (761 seconds)

Published: Fri Apr 12 2019