The High Price We Pay for Our Fear of Loneliness

it's not hard to understand the fear of being alone the empty apartment after work the eeriness of Sunday afternoons the sense of exclusion during the holidays we know the Agony's of being on our own very well what's far less well understood is the enormous Lehigh price exact 'add on the other side of the equation the fear of being alone is perhaps responsible for more unhappy relationships more throttling of psychological development and more pent up misery than almost any other it is by any reckoning one of the single greatest contributors to human misery and the driver of some of our weightiest and most unfortunate decisions if only we were able to get the costs of what is for the most part a simple misapprehension clear in our minds we might save ourselves a substantial portion of our lives we can pick out at least seven unnecessary penalties for a start and most obviously people who are afraid of being alone makes some very wrong choices around the company that they keep they have no option but to privilege anyone over the appropriate one they don't have the strength to be able to hold out as one must for the 20th or 200th candidate the only souls with any realistic chance of ending up with a partner they deserve are those who've properly reconciled themselves to the prospect of perhaps never being with anyone at all being with not quite the right person sounds almost bearable but extended over time like a proverbial pebble in a shoe slightly wrong ends up indistinguishable from entirely horrific every beautiful location we travel to together will be ruined every promising moment will be trampled upon every success will be compromised what may begin a slight fractious Nisour tedium winds up as cataclysmic irritation self disgust actual misery broken finances and the kind of excruciating loneliness that ironically merely and innocently being on our own would never have the power to generate furthermore when terrified of loneliness we have no strength to argue for our needs within any relationship one is always at the mercy of the one who fears loneliness less partners develop an advanced sense of the person who has nowhere else to go it's no use stamping our feet after an argument and saying I've had enough when in reality everyone knows that we will never have had enough so scared a week of having dinner on our own we can't now imagine ever knowing how to change the dishwasher fluid alone walking into a party by ourselves or taking the initiative to send our nephews birthday presents so used to have we become to using the other person to compensate for our weaknesses we experience none of the bracing but also educative pressures visited upon the single who have no choice but to overcome their inhibitions those brave souls who have to learn how to garden go on holidays in the mountains endure empty weekends call up their mother or cook a chicken and thereby achieve the resilient competence upon which true social discrimination and liberty rest for those who have to lightly signed away their freedoms there are sure to be constant and searing reminders of what they foregone every party and every walk down a busy street will provide evidence of what might have been all those potentially fascinating charming members of humanity they have now forever been disbarred from getting to know because they were so unnaturally scared of having a bed to themselves for a few more years it isn't just other people we won't get to know it's also ourselves the constant presence of companions stops us from making friends with our own minds and exploring our feelings and ideas in a way that only extended stretches of solitude allow we use another person to distract us whenever any slightly painful or challenging internal matter comes into view that ends up being so much we won't ever really feel or understand about ourselves so many big questions about our careers and our ultimate purpose that we will ignore because there was always someone else on hand to chat to about what to order in for dinner worst of all we might not even be actively miserable after a while we'll grow used to cozy mediocrity we won't be curious or Restless we won't dare as the single must to go up to strangers and risk our pride we'll stop learning will believe that we've answered our needs completely but only on the basis of suppressing our knowledge of what our needs really are to start to correct everything that stems from this ridiculous fear of being alone we should from a young age learn that being alone never means there is something wrong with us just that we are being appropriately patient until what truly satisfies us shows up if indeed it ever danced we have a choice we have not been punished we will never learn the true promise of community discover our own interests or hold out for the connections we deserve until we make a genuine peace with the prospect of a life by ourselves our online shop has a range of books and gifts that address the most important and often neglected areas of life such as finding a good enough partner and mastering the art of confidence click now to learn more

Channel: The School of Life

Views: 1,091,100

Rating: 4.9411345 out of 5

Keywords: the school of life, schooloflife, education, relationships, alain de botton, philosophy, talk, self, improvement, big questions, love, wellness, mindfullness, psychology, how, to, hack, loneliness, fear, anxiety, break ups, how to be single, lonely child, El alto precio que pagamos por nuestro miedo a estar solos, PL-SELF, उच्च मूल्य हम अकेले होने के हमारे डर के लिए भुगतान करते हैं, 我们为孤单的恐惧付出的高昂代价

Id: EYncNbM9HMs

Length: 6min 14sec (374 seconds)

Published: Wed Jan 01 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/baldiemir]

I don't know what to believe from this channel. Some videos feel accurate while others go beyond a stretch.

[u/Caveman100000bc]

"School of life" is not scientific

[u/BoozleMcDoozle]

r/lostredditors

[u/Millerbread]

Man I had to unsubscribe and stop watching School of Life last year. I really enjoyed a lot of videos but the more content I watched the less and less I liked them. Sometimes he's just stretching his philosophy so thin it's hard to follow. It's so pretentious and wishy washy I wanted to stop.

[u/Disappointless]

I don't understand all the negative comments, I liked the video. Sure it's not from Kurzgesagt but it's a nice different point of view on a subject that Kurzgesagt has covered earlier.

Although the content of the video seems rather subjective, I do agree with some of the views. People around me seem to rush into relationships and look at me weird when I say I'm not really looking for a woman. It's not that I'm not open to it, it's just that I don't feel the need for a relationship right now. I'm very happy with my life the way it currently is, so while open to it, I'm defenitely not actively looking for it. Then they just call me gay and all that shit. It almost feels as if some of them have girlfriends for the wrong reasons (which is to just meet expectations), which is unfair to both themselves and those they are together with.

I liked to see this view on a situation that I could relate to, so thanks for sharing.

[u/chickpea-bean]

I don’t understand the dismissal of this video. I get it’s not particularly scientific in anyway, but I personally find it great. Learning to be comfortable with yourself and by yourself is difficult! I agree with the ideas put forward. If you can’t enjoy life for all the wonderful things it is, without a partner, do you really enjoy those things? It’s not about wanting to be alone forever it’s learning to be happy with life itself and not allowing a person to cloud your self discovery or thirst for knowledge. I am young, but with an ex I had no idea I was in a manipulative relationship. I myself was clouded from my OWN mind and was conditioned to believe I was the problem. I think back to it often and haven’t wanted to be with anyone seriously since. Not because I’ve sworn off ‘love’, but because I just don’t think I’m capable to find it at this young age.

[u/brockington]

40 seconds in and I smell bullshit. This isn't anything related to Kurzgesagt.

Hot garbage.

[u/brockington]

Why is this here?

[u/RC-01138]

A low price to pay for depression