Why Did They End the Relationship?

they've gone and what we need most of all to understand is why what's striking is that despite what friends and well-meaning acquaintances tell us we actually already know why it's because of us we firmly and naturally assumed that the explanation is primarily to do with us and our miserable failings they've gone because we weren't good enough they got to know us better than almost anyone has ever done and then inevitably felt horrified by the truth it's not the relationship that failed we failed but counter-intuitively what seems most obvious to us in our hearts might not actually be true in reality there is a famous experiment in the history of psychology which pinpoints our tendency to project that is to read decisive clear explanations drawn from our minds into what are in fact and big ewis situations in the world the Thematic Apperception tests as it's technically known was developed in the 1930s by the American psychologist Henry Murray it presents us with images of people and asks us to say what's going on in them people tend to come up with quite specific conclusions for example of one image they might say she's fed up with him he's weak and a bit boring and she's just told him that their relationship isn't working and that she's leaving or they might say he's just told her they have to break up and the reason has something to do with their sex lives he's not as fulfilled as he wants to be or a third person might say it seems to be about his parents she wants him to take more distance from them if he doesn't she can't be expected to stay around forever the power of this experiment derives from the fact that the image has by design quite carefully no precise or definite significance they are just actors who've been asked to assume certain poses by the psychologists the stories and the meanings we come up with therefore come from us this is often exactly what happens around our own heartbreaks we may never actually know precisely why the other person left us that shouldn't be surprising however well we know someone they're never fully transparent to us what they say may only be part of what's really in their minds their deeper motives will remain obscure perhaps even to them we're presented with a fact that they're leaving us and on to that we project a meaning but the meaning we give to that fact comes in large part from us holding on to the idea that we don't actually know something is an underused and powerful skill at one of the foundational moments of philosophy in ancient Athens Socrates argued that a huge component of wisdom lies in our capacity to accept our ignorance in certain situations the wise are those who know that they don't know this recognition of not knowing and the reminder of our tendency to project may be helpful in easing us away from the more catastrophic and self-incriminating interpretations of a breakup the lover who furiously told us they never wanted to see us again may in the hidden recesses of their soul have been actually thinking I'm so sad this didn't quite work out I wish I could find a way to make this work you so lovely in many ways but there's something desperate in me that's turning away from your offer of love Oh the person who coldly texts us that's it I'm out maybe scenes be weeping are their own sense of loss and failure rather than as we imagine gleefully celebrating the end of their overextended encounter with us the person who says I wish this could work but just for now I've got to concentrate on my career might actually be quite sincere rather than as we might darkly suppose putting a perlite cover over their contempt for us the acceptance of ambiguity is liberating we're free to recognize that the ending of a relationship wasn't necessarily all our fault there may have been forces at work other than our own inadequacy we're still very sad but the target of our misery becomes a little more bearable we can focus on a deep sorrowful strangeness of love and loss rather than suffering an extended excoriating confrontation with our own inadequacies to learn more about love try our set of cards that help answer that essential question who should I be with you

Channel: The School of Life

Views: 340,385

Rating: 4.9556088 out of 5

Keywords: the school of life, schooloflife, education, relationships, alain de botton, philosophy, talk, improvement, love, wellness, mindfullness, psychology, why did they leave me, being dumped by my girlfriend, being dumped by boyfriend, how to move on from your ex, how to move on from a broken heart, how to move on from someone you love, PL-RELATIONSHIPS, ¿Por qué nos dejaron?, उन्होंने हमें क्यों छोड़ा, 他们为什么离开我们, the thematic apperception test, henry murray, henry murray personality theory

Id: FX751crlmEE

Length: 4min 56sec (296 seconds)

Published: Tue Mar 19 2019