How to SPOT if someone is in a narcissistic relationship

everyone it's Dr romeny welcome back to this YouTube channel on narcissism and healing from narcissistic relationships you know it's always a question even this one's actually one therapists will like a lot too but is sort of talking about a kind of tell on whether a person's actually going through a narcissistic relationship so so much of what I have learned about narcissistic abuse narcissistic relationship frankly has come from being in the room with clients and talking with large group of groups of people who are experiencing narcissistic relationships I also pay attention to the public conversation about people in narcissistic relationships and sadly I do see that a lot of people who are in narcissistic relationships end up facing and having to endure a lot of doubt about their experiences within their relationships with various sites out there and social media accounts wondering if people who are in narcissistic relationships are just playing the victim and are just walking through the world just calling everyone out as narcissistic just because they're disappointed by someone or angry at them like things like you won't do what I want you to do so I'm going to call you a narcissist that kind of thing right so do some people use the word the term the label of narcissism or narcissist or narcissistic as a hammer and do they use it inappropriately absolutely that's the era we're in we're never going to create a world where everyone's going to use the damn term right but here is what I have noticed at least in the therapy room and in conversations and question and answer sessions that I do with folks because it is something that really jumps out at me about survivors of narcissistic relationships ready when a person who's going through a narcissistic relationship is talking with me their opener is almost never that my fill-in the blank is narcissistic my wife my husband my partner my mother my father you get it right it's almost never in fact when a person's actually going through a narcissistic relationship here are the openers I most often here they'll say I'm having trouble with my relationship and I'm so anxious about it I don't know what to do or they say nothing I'm doing seems to work these days or they say things like I feel like I'm stuck in my 10-year-old self and I want to get out of my way but I don't understand what's going on or just I don't understand what's happening some people say I feel crazy and I wanted to do something about it other people say my partner keeps telling me that I'm the problem and told me to get therapy others say I feel like I'm always complaining or I can't get it right and I want some help or I'm worried that I have borderline personality disorder or maybe that I'm not the one who's narcissistic or is there something I can do differently or I'm anxious all the time and it's driving my family nuts so so sit with those things that I just say cuz that's what I hear in the room people who come in confused wrecked upside down wondering if they are the problem what I almost never hear is that someone plops down in my room and says my husband's a narcissist or Dr Romany let me know how to deal with my narcissistic mother or someone else saying H how come everyone I meet is narcissistic we may get to that point over time but that's almost never the opener it was interesting this question originally came to me through two therapist they asked me well if a client comes in to talk to you and just says that the other person is narcissistic isn't that putting them in a passive position and that question was what reminded me that if a person is well into beginning to understand that someone around them is narcissistic whoever it is help healthy people who know this their main issue is still going to be anxiety guilt grief confusion and that heaviness of slowly recognizing that there isn't much they can do about it and all of the grief and the complex reactions around that nobody is ever happy to find out that someone they love is narcissistic and as more people understand more about it it's a heavy thing to recognize because we want to believe the best about the people we love we want to be from loving families we want to be in loving and trusting relationships we want to work in safe workplaces that's what we want and people aren't saying oh yeah got it Mom's a narcissist yeah I figured it out nobody's doing that nobody's happy about this when a person recognizes that a person close to them that they love is narcissistic and explores that for example in therapy what tends to follow is even more self-doubt more blame more shame as though by blaming ourselves there is still that outside hope that it it's us that we aren't seeing it clearly that we aren't giving them enough chances remember I know a nice lady who wrote a book called It's not you what gets tricky and I do run into this is when the antagonistic and narcissistic people use the label for other people because quite frankly those are the folks who have quite regularly come into my therapy room and said everyone around me is narcissistic and that is their opener or they'll say things like nobody is ever fair to me or not nobody's nice to me or I do so much for people nobody appreciates me and that's when I may my head a little and ask more pointed questions in a way knowing someone is narcissistic is the best worst thing you could learn it's important because otherwise you could easily sacrifice your entire life trying to please an unpleasable person however it's also devastating because the vast majority of people navigating and healing from these relationships are compassionate kind patient empathic people who just wanted to be part of a balanced and loving relationship nothing more and to learn about personality Styles like narcissism and what it means about a relationship going forward sure it clarifies what's already happened in the relationship but losing hope about someone you love something you belong to about the future all of it is Devastation so and pointedly I say this to any therapists out there who are watching this and who wonder is the narcissism label something people are just using to get a free pass my question would be a free pass to what there is no narcissistic abuse reparation fund out there people who go through narcissistic abuse actually don't always get a lot of sympathy from other people and offer and are often questioned shamed and lamb basted for even pondering if someone they care about or love or in their family is narcissistic maybe it's the free pth to not having to take responsibility but yet that doesn't hold up because the majority of survivors blame themselves endlessly so it actually seems that most survivors of narcissistic abuse are really good at taking too much responsibility nobody wants narcissism in a close person around around them to be true in their lives it would be easier to learn that a person you care about who may be treating you badly actually has something happening for them that's manageable an illness like depression or something like that but when it is narcissism it's an important piece of information that can help set someone free whether they stay or go and get them out of the imprisoned Loops of self-blame and it's not easy and trust me the folks going through this are not going through the world and saying everyone's narcissistic by and large long-term narcissistic abuse undercuts our sense of trust in ourselves and our perceptions we'll typically doubt that we are reading situations clearly and correctly and second guess ourselves in social situations all the time we may feel in our bodies when we are around these patterns but even then we'll even doubt those Sensations and pathologize ourselves so to the folks out there who think oh come on isn't everyone a little narcissistic no or are all of us saying everyone is narcissistic actually the people who are going through narcissistic abuse the worst are the ones who are least likely to say it's happening to them I hope it's helpful and thanks again

Channel: DoctorRamani

Views: 33,719

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Id: YHWWRsGKnFc

Length: 9min 57sec (597 seconds)

Published: Wed May 22 2024