How to deal with NOT getting CLOSURE after a narcissistic relationship

hey everyone it's Dr Romy welcome back to this YouTube channel on narcissism narcissistic relationships healing from narcissistic relationships and all the questions you've got one big one is always around closure right ah closure it's funny when I think about closure one of the first places I go are movies television even books we read right I think so many times part of the reason we get drawn to certain stories is that there's a comfort when at the end of the film there's closure the villain Goes to Jail the bad guy gets shot before he can shot shoot someone else the person who struggled wins a prize or or has the happy ending or whatever it may be right and I honestly think the reason those films are so entertaining is there's a tension that goes away for us we're like justice is served right and and it's why sometimes we can even watch the same movie over and over again because there's a real tension reduction that comes from and this story ended just the way I wanted it to end what we don't do well is when a story film anything ends in sort of an unjust way and any of you who have ever sat in a focus group where they're trying to decide multiple which ending they want for a film a classical example would be that if I I remember reading articles about Pretty Woman and originally in Pretty Woman they were actually not going to have the man and woman come together which would have been a far more realistic ending even more realistic it would have been that the woman Julia Robert's character ended up sort of strung out on drugs and and probably died prematurely not the ending people wanted so they end up together right but so sometimes writers are even made to sort of shift endings even when they're based on books they will change the ending to make it more movie palatable right and I know this personally that for me a real healing like when I'm really having a bad day I will pick up what I consider a just TV show or a just book or a just movie so I can see the Justice happen at the end because it will actually calm me down so that this I'm giving this all meant to say we love us some closure guess where closure almost never happens narcissistic relationships and there's a lot of reasons for that one of the key ones is that they never really apologize right we see this happen in the public the public sphere all the time celebrities give apologies that were written by moderately literate publicists and in general they often don't reflect on the pain of the person they a they they harmed it's like I'm sorry and I know I did something wrong and I need help but never like and I harmed someone right because there's probably in addition to that silly publicist an attorney saying well don't don't say that don't say that right so these aren't sincere apologies whether it's a fancy famous person making some sort of public apology or whether it's just a regular person in your life getting a sincere genuine apology from a narcissistic person is impossible and the reason is to be able to apologize sincerely you actually have to be attuned and plugged in to the pain and the harm you cause to another person and then be willing to see your role in it and then commit to not doing it again and still acknowledging their pain that's a lot of then and a narcissistic person is simply not capable of it which is why an apology from a narcissistic person feels like empty calories and you don't feel closure at the end at the most of it it almost feels like their mother sent them next door to come apologize to you it doesn't feel like it's authentic it feels like a third party told them to apologize the workplace required them to apologize but it's not coming from them so we don't get real apologies the second thing is and adding sort of building on that you don't get any real accountability now obviously a good apology is based on real accountability but there's never a responsibility taking there's never accountability taking by the time it's done if you really were to peel back the layers of the onion of your narcissistic conversation especially if something went wrong and they're responsible for why it went wrong or they're responsible for the harm you'll still see that the odds are is that they never fully took accountability or responsibility and again it's very difficult to have closure if the person who was responsible or accountable for something going wrong didn't take responsibility for instead they make excuses or they're defensive or they push back that there's no closure you may still be hurt if something happened but if someone took accountability or responsibility at least you don't feel gaslighted at least you don't feel like you're losing your mind and that right there just that sense of like okay there's not something wrong with me they did take respons ibility I'm still incensed but they owned it now you get to feel sane and and that at least is a step closer to closure so you have that piece of it a big contributor to the lack of closure though frankly is that they narcissistic people seem to move on into new lives like that okay so let's use the intimate partner kind of an example by and large when a narcissistic person ends a Rel relationship with you they've got their new Supply teed up they do and I'm not saying that non-narcissistic people don't do this too sure but narcissistic people almost always do they're not going out into a world of no Supply so they're going to make sure they've got whatever it is they've got set up is sort of set up so they're getting it all set up and then they will make I'm I'm just sort of mentally kind of going through 10 to 15 narcissistic breakup stories I've heard recently every single one of them had new Supply lined up and so well that's the opposite of closure when you see that you've been left many times you feel completely taken out by it you're kind of surprised by it you still thought there was something to talk about and then you come to find out they're already in someone else's arms and you're like oh now it all makes sense no closure now just rage and grief and more rage and anger on your part of oh my gosh and then there is no apology no accountability and my favorite is when it's clear clear there was an overlap the narcissistic person doesn't just own it and say yep I did that you're broken up now and they won't own it and they will literally double triple and quadruple down on the idea there was never an overlap there was never an overlap folks there was an overlap and so you don't conveniently break up with someone on a Monday and find your new person on a Tuesday that ain't how the world works so that idea that they could just move into something like that and you're struggling and they're not taking responsibility and they're not even coping to the truth that is VE a very difficult circumstance under which to find closure and while that's in Intimate Relationships we see the most um the most sort of clear example of that even in family relationships when it's very clear a family member did something harmful or cruel or you know or deceitful or betraying or any of that and the family still rallies around them it's hard to feel closure in those circumstances I've even heard people say where they've seen sort of marriages where the narcissistic partner far outlived the non-narcissistic partner and they'll say I this doesn't feel right to me I have no closure like this doesn't feel fair when we don't have closure things feel unjust they feel unfair and they feel unsettling like as though you're never quite comfortable like this just doesn't feel right it feels as though the narcissistic person in a way is getting away with something and that's the languaging I hear from a lot of people who will say I just want closure on this and it's a tricky bit right because when you think about other relationships when we've had closure it might be that you had the goodbye conversation and while you might have been sad with healthy relationships when you break up sometimes you end it because you're you live too far away or your lives are too different or the timing was wrong that can feel like closure when you say gosh if this had been a different time it would have been so different and I'm so glad I met them but we couldn't make it work that then we don't feel as tense and fractured and that that that nagging unjust unfair sense that can really fuel a lot of rumination do people ever get closure in narcissistic relationships sometimes but the as I've often said sometimes you get your closure either when you no longer need it so much time has passed that when you find out that the new person left them or the new person cheated on them or they lost all their money or whatever it is you're sort of like I just don't care anymore whatever who cares and so there might be a tiny bit of closure but honestly you needed all that news probably many years before so there might be sort of a an ending that comes down the road that you hear about every so often that ending might come sooner so someone's not waiting so long so you're healing and growing and then um you come to find out maybe six months after a breakup that the narcissistic person's trying to Hoover you and you come to find out they're hoovering you cuz the next person saw what a piece of you know what they were and ended the relationship with them that can certainly help with closure but folks I know it's hard to hear this but the closure comes from you're not having to deal with them anymore and when you stop to think about the bandwidth the time the the lightness the freedom that comes from not having to deal with them anymore while it can feel terribly unfair that they get to move forward you got to remember you're living under a very different Playbook than them for them relationships are shallow they exist to validate only them that they are superficial that they're associated with status that's not what you signed up for so when they find something quickly when things work out for them quickly it's often because their idea of something working is much more shallow than what is Meaningful to you you're not playing the same game you're not living in the same way but I get it I get it and if I had one wish is that every Survivor would get closure a lot faster but I'll tell you though let me put this in as the punchline of this video I'm not so sure that would be great either because I got to be frank with you if some people their narcissistic person got their sort of comeuppance too quickly because you may not have had a chance to heal yet you might have taken him back too oh I feel bad we see like they'll be so happy to be with me again maybe we need to tough it out for a while so we heal so by the time the narcissistic person gets kicked to the curb and might come crawling back that you're too strong to take them back and let me tell you there's no closure that feels better than that good luck

Channel: DoctorRamani

Views: 38,627

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Id: TdTyAlA-4d4

Length: 11min 20sec (680 seconds)

Published: Mon May 27 2024