[Music] The other day in my live Q&A for
my members, I was asked, "How can I get re-regulated after getting dysregulated?" And what
I assume the person means is that they want to get back into the safe and social state of their
nervous system, the parasympathetic response, where you feel relaxed and calm and you can
think clearly and connect with other people. I'm also going to assume that you already know
a little bit about the nervous system, that you understand the fight/flight/freeze response
and about the shutdown response. And if not, go check out my video on the three states of the
nervous system. Because if you're asking about dysregulation you understand that we can't just
think our way into changing our nervous system, you know about using the powerful tool of the
body to regulate the mind and the nervous system, and you already know about how to use body-based
skills like deep breathing and the yawn and the body scan and mindfulness. And if you don't, you
should take my free Grounding Skills course. So right now, just take a really slow breath. Make a big yawn. Gently tap your face. [Music] These are the basic skills to regulating your nervous
system. I'm also going to assume that you know about the skills to slow things down, that you've
already tried writing about it, that you've tried going for a walk or exercising and you've tried
talking with a safe and understanding person. So I'm going to assume that the person who
asked these this question has already tried all of these things and that it's not working.
Now, these skills work the majority of the time, but not always. So let's talk about what to
do when these skills aren't working. I love doing this work. I love troubleshooting
together with my clients to figure out what are these obstacles that are getting
in the way of mental health? So there are at least three reasons why you might be
having a hard time regulating your nervous system despite your best efforts. So let's
explore them and their antidotes. [Music] Okay. So number one: Your nervous system is like a
muscle. When you're chronically in dysregulation, when you're chronically stuck in sympathetic
state, your sympathetic muscle gets stronger. So if you experienced trauma 20 years ago and you've
been anxious for 20 years, it's like you've spent 20 years just exercising that anxious muscle, and
the calm parasympathetic muscle has atrophied. So it might just take a little bit more practice to
strengthen your ability to regulate your nervous system. So if this is the case, I'd recommend that
you practice just a few more minutes each day. So if you go from being in the parasympathetic state
for one percent of each day to two percent of each day, that's progress. Set - I would say just set
a goal to practice these skills for 10 minutes a day if you can handle that. Or if that's too hard,
do five minutes a day, or two two minutes a day. A few other things you can do to help, you know,
exercise that parasympathetic muscle is to use something like the Insight Timer app, and that's
going to give you these random prompts to soothe yourself, to practice, you know, to exercise that
muscle. You could also use a habit tracker like my free download or an app like Habit. When it
feels disheartening to learn that trauma changes the brain, don't forget that healing changes
the brain too. Okay. The second reason why you might be having a hard time getting regulated
is you're not safe. And what I mean by that is that some action needs to be taken. Our nervous
system is super smart and super good at bypassing the logical part of our brain to alert us to
dangers. Sometimes anxiety isn't a disorder, it's just a message that something needs to
change. So I recently got an email from a woman who had been diagnosed with a half-dozen disorders
over 25 years - anxiety, depression, psychosis, bipolar, panic disorder, borderline personality
- and when she finally left her abusive husband, most of these symptoms went away. The problem
was not a mental disorder; it was a situation that needed changing. Sometimes action needs to
be taken, and your body is going to keep sending that message until you get it. So are you stuck in
the fight/flight/freeze response because you never say no to assignments at work? Because you believe
you're worthless? Because you feel like you have to please everyone else and keep them all happy,
that it's your job to regulate other people? Are you stuck in the fight/flight/freeze response
because you're staying in a toxic relationship and you need to set boundaries? Emotions aren't just
like bad things that happen to us; they're meant to motivate us to take action. Now, sometimes
emotions do lie. Right? Sometimes they make us feel like we're in danger when we're actually
safe. But - and and in those situations we need to regulate our bodies, use these self-regulation
skills. But sometimes these emotions are truthful and we need to take action. Okay. Reason number
three why you might not be able to regulate your nervous system is you're forcing it. You're
trying to practice willingness in a secret attempt to make your feelings go away. You're
practicing deep breathing in an attempt to force yourself and your body to calm down. Now, I talk
about this cycle in my three videos that I made about panic attacks. The main idea is that when
you have a physiological sensation and you say, "It's not okay for me to feel this regulated. I'm
not okay. It's not acceptable if I feel stressed. It's not okay for me to have a fast heart rate.
This is dangerous if I'm breathing fast." Right? "I have to make my breathing slow down." All of
these thoughts send the message to your brain that you're in danger, that these sensations are
dangerous. And if if you send that message to your brain that "Oh, I can't handle feeling this way,"
that's going to accentuate the cycle of being dysregulated. So you feel stressed, and then
you beat yourself up for feeling stressed, and that makes you more stressed. Now, the antidote to
this is to allow yourself to feel; to let yourself feel uncomfortable, uncertain, vulnerable; to let
yourself stand where you're standing; to be where you're at. It doesn't mean that you're going to
feel this way forever, but you have to start with where you're at. So true willingness to feel your
emotions means that your default setting is to use acceptance as a launching point for change, not
the other way around, not saying, "After I change, then I can allow myself to feel." And people have
this tendency when things are really painful to try to speed up, to make it pass faster. But
with emotions, trying to hurry actually prevents you from doing the one thing that does work,
which is slowing down and sitting with them. So just to summarize: If the problem is that you
just need to build up your parasympathetic muscle, set a goal to practice body-based nervous system
regulation a few extra minutes a day. If there's actually a problem that needs to be resolved, take
some action. And if you're forcing it, it's time to give yourself just a ton of compassion around
being dysregulated. Slow down and create some space for you to feel what you feel without trying
to force it to go away. With practice and the right approach, you really can unlock your nervous
system, strengthen your parasympathetic response, and foster a greater sense of safety and calm. I
hope this video helps you get better at feeling. Thank you for watching, and take care. Oh, and
as a side note, if you'd like to buy this shirt, my friend Nikki has made a um shirt company, and 50% of the proceeds go to helping teens get
therapy services and outdoor experiences that they wouldn't otherwise be able to access. So
check it out in the merch shelf below. [Music]
