Communicating in Conflict, Loving on Purpose with Danny Silk

[Music] when you think of confrontation what normally comes to mind i used to think of disconnection i used to think that confrontation was an invitation for you to see your way out of my life however confrontation is just the opposite it's actually an invitation to strengthen the relational bond between you and the person you are needing to have the confrontation with it gives you the opportunity to bring to the surface what the other person has forgotten about themselves it also gives you the opportunity to exhibit self-control ask good questions and show that you can be trusted in situations that are uncomfortable or hard in the end the goal of confrontation is to restore connection when you come into confrontation connection should always be the goal in this session danny gives you some practical ways to successfully confront and love is conflict derailing your connection do you know the priorities to keep while communicating in conflict i want to talk to you about communicating in conflict when stakes are high and connection is a priority communicating in conflict is one of the most challenging things that we do as humans it's so filled with anxiety even before it starts we can just think about a disagreement or we can think about how someone has hurt us the disconnect is what's creating this anxiety so rather than looking at the priority of reconnecting we classically look at trying to resolve the issue that creates all kinds of problems because of the fear because of that disconnect the anxiety is just off the hook so let's talk a little bit about what are some of the the goals that we keep the priorities that we keep while we are working through conflict i mentioned earlier in our communication talk that having the right goal is a priority you set agreement in front of you and you've now challenged the person to an argument establishing understanding as the primary goal lowers anxiety this is going to help you so much it's going to help you to be the best you that you can if you'll pay attention to your style while you're communicating you know if you if you forget that there's another person and you get aggressive anxiety is going to climb choosing to be passive and pretend like you don't exist increases anxiety maybe not in the moment but over time and passive aggressive chocolate dragon doesn't work remember to stay assertive two powerful people working together to meet the needs of each other and the needs of the situation we're inviting honor right into our conflict when we both have a high commitment to respect and responsibility as we communicate remember to prioritize the connection remember that a broken connection needs to be restored commonly we're going to try to communicate without restoring the connection without getting i love you very much flowing back and forth so prioritize restoration of the connection before you try to resolve the issue see understand that when you're disconnected that anxiety is bringing out the worst in you it's bringing out the worst you you have it's doing the same thing to the person you're talking to so in that disconnection please realize we've got to get the i care about this relationship message flowing before two reasonable people are going to show up i mean that's the best chance you have you can't guarantee it but you can guarantee for you to get your love back on to have the goal of connection to to look at the person like i choose you that piece you're moving towards my goal with you is to reduce the anxiety and so i'm working on that first so if i know the love language of the person i'm serving them i'm i'm i'm affectionate towards them i am affirming them whatever it is that i need to do to help send the message i value this relationship this is what i'm going to do to help reduce the anxiety is i'm going to send the message that i care i care about us i care about the results i care about our team i care about our marriage i care about our family i'm sending the message to restore the connection before i seek a conclusion or even in some people's mind justice you're not going to get it you're not going to get listened to if we preserve the disconnect as information is flowing back and forth and i'm learning how you feel and i'm learning what you need i begin to prepare myself to adjust because you need something different than i do you're feeling something that different than i do so i've actually come to this conflict resolution with a a heart of a servant i'm going to adjust as is necessary i'm not going to assume that you're the servant first i'm going to assume that i'm the servant first and we are on a quest we are we are working together to meet the needs and if i if i have to be the first one to find the need the unmet need then i'm the winner because the first one to get to the unmet need wins i know how to help reduce anxiety which helps our conversation so i'm listening well and i'm listening for what is it that you need from me what is it that would best serve bringing out the best in you because that's who i want to talk to i want to talk to the best you that you have so i'm looking for another tool another move that is going to help reduce our anxiety i've come to this conversation with the attitude and the priority of being ready to adjust as i learn as i understand what is that you need for me and i understand the power of our connection in having a connection we actually can exchange the truth it's through this persevering connection that we are able to show each other each other i know that there is a a strength of connection that i need in order to put a demand on the relationship so if it's a if it's a a conversation with my teenager they want to go out with a bunch of friends that scare me i have to have a pretty strong connection to influence somebody who's going a completely different direction than i want them to go if i have this flimsy connection it's going to snap easily over very small requests so learning to prioritize the connection just in life helps me to be ready for moments when i'm going to have to put a demand on this relationship i'm going to ask you for something that maybe you're going to dig deep to provide this is what focusing on keeping and strengthening the connection does when conflict arises it doesn't just throw us overboard because we have this fragile relationship in many of the conferences that i do i'll i'll have a box of tissue and i'll pull out this tissue and i'll i'll walk up to somebody i'll say hey grab onto this and don't let go and then i say something like uh where do you want to go to dinner they go i don't care i say how about italian and i pull and the and the tissue breaks because it's very fragile and the the illustration is we can't even disagree about where to go for dinner without injuring a very fragile relationship then i take the strap off my computer bag and i give it to them and i have them wrap it around their wrist and i wrap it around mine i say don't let go and don't get out of that chair i usually pick somebody smaller than me and i say all right i know you want to go hang out with your friends but i'm really scared of your friends and i start pulling on this and i say things like i need to feel protected and i'm walking away and i've pulled them out of the chair and i'm pulling them across the room while they're resisting me and i can only do that because of the strength of the connection if i fail to strengthen connection before going into a conflict living that place of connection then i i really can't put much of a demand on things because it just disintegrates before my very eyes so pay attention to what you're doing throughout the relationship around prioritizing and strengthening relationship so that you can put a demand on it i want to tell you a story about a conflict that happened with somebody i love somebody that i work with actually i'm the boss i'm somebody that has the power to reprimand and to really punish someone for giving me any feedback at all or disagreeing with me i have a friend andy mason uh we worked together on uh doing conferences together and at one point uh i did some things that i wasn't aware of i wasn't aware of how i was affecting him and and this is a great example of someone who is experiencing something completely different than me and is going to show me them it's different than me it could be scary it could feel disrespectful but the interaction is focused on protecting the connection and andy's showing me him and then my response to that he says hi danny in our team meeting today talking about our conference that we're doing together one of the guys who's helping us mentioned that he was going to be away doing a wedding and then your assistant told me that you were also going to be away and unable to attend this conference that i thought we were doing together i felt disappointed that you were not going to be at this event and even more so to hear it from your assistant i appreciate you obviously trust me with this but i feel abandoned in the battlefield with no communication from headquarters i'm not sure if these conferences are yours or ours or you're just nursing them along until you can offload them onto me this is not fun i felt like you had given me empowerment and freedom in this relationship but i still need guidance and direction and shaping to find my way around i'm looking forward to hearing from you on this andy now i'm his boss andy you're fired no that's i'm just kidding andy i'm sorry that you found out this way i forgot about the overlap poor communication on my part i did see this as something you and your wife would be primarily carrying and but i don't ever want you to feel abandoned i'm very much a partner and very sorry if you're not feeling that i have no intention of offloading these conferences on to you but i do expect your leadership role to increase i love you and value our partnership again i'm sorry if this came down this way i understand how you would feel shocked and even hurt by my behavior please forgive me danny p.s good feedback andy thanks so much for your response danny i'd already forgiven you i'm also learning both to communicate how i feel and what i need i'm able to show you janine and others how i'm feeling my default has been suppression and silence that doesn't build intimacy or trust or health thanks for hearing and validating what i feel and not just pointing out my own insecurities and fears relationship is very important to me i don't want to just accomplish something great in these conferences i want to build a strong relationship along the way a friend of mine anthony west told me something the other day that challenged my alignment he said success in the kingdom is not about accomplishment but about relationship i don't want to just build my own thing or build something for you i want to build with you i love you andy this is an example of a process back and forth prioritizing the connection doing a good job of restoring the disconnect sending the message of care to lower anxiety it's it's something that we have to do on purpose with purpose it's not something that's accidentally going to happen i want to end by saying you need to learn to be a good listener if you're going to do conflict effectively establish some rules with yourself you know who's going to start the communication you know it's you can't both talk at the same time that's a collective monologue and you're going to get nowhere there'll be no understanding that comes from just talking over each other make sure that there's a listener in the group there has to be somebody who has the role of it's my job to seek understanding go ahead and tell me about you i will listen or maybe that person will say i'll start listening you tell me about you if you're not sure default to being the listener so that you can create a place where acceptance uh i care anxiety you can see the anxiety dropping because it's it's dropping in you because you you're willing to serve the other person i am willing able to be vulnerable and my goal with you is connection so i will tell you about me i will put the truth and the truth isn't what's going on with you the truth is what's happening inside of me we're going to exchange truth because i'm going to tell you the truth into me you see because i showed you i will let you see me i will go to work to do a good job to let you know what it is that's happening inside here and i'm committed to finding what you need and i'm committed to showing you what i need this back and forth is the respectful interaction that it's going to take to resolve conflict and protect your connection once again it's not going to happen on accident it takes great purpose hurt fear misunderstanding creates incredible threat to us and so to minimize the destruction that those powerful emotions will cause requires that i come to the conversation with a plan the plan is i choose you my goal with you is connection i'm gonna manage me i'll listen first i'll serve you if we need to get the connection back i'll send the message the way you hear it that i care i'm looking for ways to drain the anxiety out of our communication and to resolve this conflict prioritizing our connection because i love you choosing the right goal is a huge key in confrontation connection should always be the goal humility is also essential to confrontation because a humble heart and a servant's attitude will disarm any person this week stop and take a moment to think about your relationships is there anyone you need to have an honest conversation with what will be your goal in that conversation remember you are a powerful person and confrontation is an invitation to strengthen your relationships not weaken them matthew 18 15 says if your brother sins against you go and tell him his fault between you and him alone if he listens to you you have gained your brother let's pray jesus thank you for giving us wisdom to have successful confrontations with others in our lives thank you for giving us peace and understanding and thank you for helping us to see people the way you see them holy spirit help us to have humble hearts and to keep connection as the goal in confrontation in jesus name amen what started as a dream grew into a broadcast tv channel that carries the gospel from europe to the nations a channel that brings the love of christ into each home transforming hearts and minds and igniting revival around the world it is by his hand that god tv is shaping culture through media and changing lives and is by your hands that we've found community and support in the journey join us as we look back and celebrate 25 years of god tv give today to god tv

Channel: GOD TV

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Keywords: god channel video, god channel youtube, god tv videos, relationship advice for women, relationship advice for men, relationship advice for couples, handling conflict biblically, handling conflict in marriage, handling conflict in relationships, handling conflict with family, handle conflict bible, how to handle conflict with parents, how to handle conflict in a relationship, how to handle conflict with friends, danny silk loving on purpose, communicating in conflict, danny silk

Id: 52L_vz4NULI

Length: 17min 57sec (1077 seconds)

Published: Sun Dec 13 2020