This is Julien and I'm here in Tel Aviv, and what I want to talk
about in this video here is a problem that far too many people have when socializing, which is running out of things to say. Getting caught up in your head, analyzing, micromanaging, have those awkward little pauses where you just fucking freeze, and how to break out of that. Okay, five tips to never ever
run out of things to say, five tips to keep a conversation going, let's do it. (energetic electronic music) - So tip number one: Don't focus on what you're saying, focus on how you're feeling, okay? Whenever I'm interacting with someone, of course the conversation
has to make sense. You can't just make random noises the entire way through, but it's much more important to tune into how you're feeling; the vibe, if you will, the sub-communication because that is much more important and once you realize this, it takes so much pressure off having that perfect conversation, the perfect words, the perfect verbals, and you can just talk and talk, flow and flow forever. We're all so surface-focused. We think that we're
going to attract people by talking about interesting things. What is something that's interesting? What's interesting?
What defines an interesting thing? - [Audience Member]
Something that you like. - Good job
(audience laughing) in the back.
(audience laughing) Okay? No, it's true. It's what you find interesting. If you're interested in something, it becomes interesting. There's no universal rule
of what is interesting. There isn't. It's like, "Oh, I guess the topic of--" No, no! Every single topic is boring to someone, and every single topic is
interesting to someone. Okay, and it really depends
how it makes you feel. You could literally be into mathematics, and if you go up and talk to someone, you're like, "Hey, two plus two, man, best fucking equation, four," that'll draw people in
because you're so into it. It's like if a friend comes up to you and they're like, "Whoa,
did you see that movie?" You're like, "What movie?" You don't even know what fucking movie. You're like, "Dude, I
just bought new bedsheets. Check this out, bedsheets!" It doesn't matter as
long as you're into it. So instead of being so concerned about the other person, like, "Oh, what's an interesting thing to say," what do you find interesting? Even deeper, it's what
do you find funny, okay? You want to press three buttons, and I talk about this quite a lot, there's three inner buttons, three things that we're all craving; fun, carefree, passion. Whatever you say, try to link it to one of those buttons. If you find it funny, that's good because then you'll start laughing, generating some fun, and that's what everyone's missing. You look outside, everyone's just so sad, so fucking sad, so bitter, so down. It's rare you walk in the street and you see someone like-- That's, like, strolling down the street. Everyone's like-- No, no, everyone's like this, like-- It's crazy, that's what you see. Walking in the street,
except with iPhone 3s. Nonstop, okay? It's to the point where you even feel uncomfortable without your phone. If you're standing without a phone, people stare at you, it's like, "What the fuck, that person
doesn't have a phone?" You feel very naked. So everyone's down. If you just generate some fun, you'll draw people in because everyone wants to have more fun. Everyone wants to stop caring so much. They want to feel at ease, they want to be more carefree. Everyone gives way too many fucks. Stop giving a fuck, go first, and they'll be drawn to you because that will transfer onto them and every time they're around you, they feel a little bit more relaxed, a little bit more at ease. I'm sure you all have friends who give less fucks than you, right? Or at least one person
in your social circle, and when that person is around, God damn are things more
fun and light, right? Like, "Oh, I wish that person's there. If that person was here with us, oh my God, we'd be way more relaxed." Generate that yourself. And the third is passion. No one is passionate anymore, everyone's just, "Meh, whatever." Be excited about something, what excites you? So in terms of what you're saying, fuck the words, they don't matter. Focus on the vibe, on
what it makes you feel. If it's something funny,
say it, whatever it is. It could be the dumbest joke. You could even find it funny that you're saying something boring. You could talk about the most boring thing in the fucking world; if you find it funny and amusing, it'll become interesting. Okay, fun, carefree, passion. If you're too worried about the words, you're screwed, okay? And on top of that, people are looking at the deeper layer, they're not looking at
the words you're saying. For you to get to know someone, of course, say 10%, 20% of your attention is on, "What is being communicated here," but the other 90 to 80% is, "How do I feel looking at this person? What's the vibe?" It's similar if you're-- It's the same as if you're
going to hire someone. Are you going to hire someone
just based on their resume? Like say it's a very, very important task, you're like, "I need the
best of the best for this, let's look through some resumes. Oh, him, hired, done." No, you're going to read
through the resumes, of course you're going to be aware of it, but then you're going to
want to meet the person to get a feel for the person. Is the person grounded? Does he look certain? Does she look certain? What's going on here? The same in any interaction. 10 to 20% is on the words, the rest is, "How do I feel?" Tip number two: Lower the bar for what you have to say. You know, we try so hard to just say the perfect thing, the really cool thing, thinking that will impress people when, in reality, even if you actually do manage to say that really cool thing, the bar's really high and
everything you're saying is just fucking perfect, you won't seem that cool. In reality, you will seem very try-hard. Okay, it's much better
to just lower the bar, or even better, destroy the bar. Have no bar, have no
filters, and just flow. If everything you say is fucking gold, you just look way too try-hard. It's like, "Whoa, this
person must really care about my opinion, holy shit." Okay? If you say everything that's perfect, it's way too try-hard
so lower the bar, okay? And that'll help you
feel way more at ease. If your bar is so fucking high, even if you actually manage to say everything that's perfect, like, "This is good enough, all
the rest is not good enough. This is good enough, not good enough," even if you say it, it
looks way too try-hard. Lower the bard or,
ideally, get rid of the bar and just let it all out. Okay, you all have something to say, there's that little voice yapping about, probably even right now, let it out. Even when you run out of things to say in a conversation, it's not like your mind goes blank or like, "I'm present to the moment, I am enlightened now," no. That voice is still going
around and around in circles. Unless you come to
Transformation Mastery Live, in which case it might go blank, okay? Verbalize it. Okay, lower the fucking bar. Tip number three: Enjoy running out of things to say. Now, this can sound confusing because the whole point of this video is to not run out of things to say, but guess what, when you enjoy running
out of things to say, there's no longer that worry, that resistance, that dread around it, and you don't run out of things to say. Check it out. I personally love, love, love it when I run out of things to say. You can get better at it, of course, by lowering the bar but there's still some times where you just kind of blank. You can have some go-tos, okay? Like you can blurt out random words, like whales, "What, whales?" Like you can literally say, "Whales." (audience laughing) Or, and this is my favorite, just move your lips and make a sound. (audience laughing) For real, and words will come out and you'll be surprised by what comes out, and that's the exciting part of an interaction for me. It's like when I run out of things to say, I'm like, "Oh, fuck, let's make sounds and move lips and let's be surprised," and it's literally like I kind of zoom out and I'm watching myself, I'm like, "What is he going to say next?" That's when I surprise myself, I'm like, "Holy shit," and you just move your lips. Babble-dick, there's a dick. Babble-dick, that's me moving my lips and making a sound, babble-dick. Shimmy-shoo, what the fuck is-- Babble-dick shimmy-shoo, and the other person is like, "What," and now you can laugh and build on that. Babble-dick shimmy-shoo. You run out of things to
say, babble-dick shimmy-shoo. You run out of have things to say, whales. You run out of things to say, condoms. You run out of things to say, sex. "What, what did you say?" "Sex," and then just
keep talking about that. Tip number four: Focus on a wide range of topics as opposed to just one topic and going really in-dept on it. You know, we try to find that perfect topic to just milk and think, "Okay, what else can I say about this? What else can I say about it? Oh my God, there's nothing
more to say about it." Talk about a lot of things, okay? And guess what? Even if there is no logical connection between those two things,
even better, okay? It makes it interesting,
it's unpredictable, it creates an emotional
spike that makes it exciting. Okay, so focus on a wide
range versus one thing and just milking it and
becoming that one-topic person. Talk about a lot of things. Go from this topic to that topic to that topic to that topic. If there's something you
really love, then yeah, keep talking about it for a little while, but don't go one way. Don't be that one-topic guy, okay? And we think that if we talk about a lot of topics, there's not much comfort that is built, but in reality it's the opposite. There is a lot of comfort built when you talk about many topics. Why? Because comfort is not in the words, okay? It's in creating a certain
vibe of togetherness. How do you create comfort? By going through different
environments together. The more environments
you go in with someone, the more comfortable you're
going to feel, the more trust, the more of a bond there's going to be. You don't even have to
talk to that person, like if I put, say, you and you, like two strangers, and you go do this obstacle course mission thing, and you're not allowed
to talk the entire time and the mission is like a week and you're helping each
other out and shit. At the end, although you don't know each other's names or
anything about each other, you're going to have a certain bond. There's going to be comfort. So the more environments you're in, the more emotions you go through, the more topics you go through, the more comfort, the more
togetherness there is. So go through a lot, and the more abrupt the change in topic, the more illogical, the better. Meaning we all want to
string together this perfect interaction where
if we talk about this, then I'll link it to this
because it makes sense. If it doesn't make sense,
it's actually even better. If you ask someone, "So
are you from Tel Aviv? Oh, cool, what do you eat for breakfast?" That there spikes up the
interaction emotionally. "Are you from Tel Aviv?" "What did you eat for breakfast?" "Is the sky blue?" "What, how does this link to that," an emotional spike. So say things out of left field, "Oh, yeah, you know,
yeah, sports, awesome. By the way, are your parents divorced?" "What, what?" (audience laughing) And it doesn't even have to
be extreme or polarizing, just like, "Oh, that's awesome! Do you like the color brown?" Shit like that. And tip number five: Don't take yourself so
God damn seriously, okay?" It's a conversation. It's not a mission where
the fate of the world depends on you succeeding at this and doing everything perfectly. It's a fucking conversation. Relax, laver yourself,
enjoy, it's not so serious. It's not a big deal. You're not James Bond saving the world in a fucking interaction, you're just talking to a stranger, okay? You think people will
remember you forever, remember this interaction forever, even if you make a fool of yourself with someone you don't
know who you just met, they will forget you
very fucking fast, okay? Most people you talk to, you could do the dumbest shit, you could run out of things to say and be like, "Uh," and just walk off. The weirdest shit, they'll forget you. (audience laughing) They might remember you for like a minute. They might turn to their friends, like, "That was weird, anyway--" Done, you're out of existence. You could come back a week later, "Hey, do you remember me?" "Nope, who are you?" Okay? It's very, very difficult to make a long, lasting impact on someone. Whether it's positive or negative, it's very difficult. We take ourselves way too seriously, we're in the "me" world. "Everyone is looking at me, all about me." You're sitting here in the crowd, "Everyone's looking at me. Okay, maybe they're
looking at daddy up here, but a little bit at me, too." No, everyone's like you,
in their little world. It's hard to pierce through so relax, and once more, the more
carefree the better. And you can just test it, there's always some people, and it's usually a different
phase you go through, who take themselves very seriously, trying so hard to be cool, and you can just sense
the stiffness, like, "Hey," you know? There might be a few
of you in this seminar, you walk in, you're like,
"Okay, let's be cool. Hey, what's up? Yeah, I'm pretty advanced
at this shit, yeah." (audience laughing) And they're very serious and they're like, "Oh, yeah, yeah, that's really good," just way too seriously and it's like, Okay, yeah, you seem quite
confident on the surface, but it's just not a comfortable vibe you wanna be around with, okay? Confidence is not
maintaining this rigid front. True core confidence is just relaxing and being okay with
everything that is you. That's true confidence and
that's the vibe you want. You don't want someone coming up to you super fucking serious because then it even puts pressure on you, like, "Do I have to be serious, too?" So I'm gonna just be
like, "Hey, all is good," and you're like, "Ah,
thank God I can be me." That's what people want. Go first, give them that,
and then laugh at yourself. Even awkward interactions make for great fucking stories. Awkward moments, we hate it, those are epic stories. Epic stories are either
a successful story, you're like, "Yeah, and then
this happened, fuck yeah," or a really awkward story is just as fun. So put these five tips
to use right now, okay? Implement this immediately, and if you wanna go even deeper, because a lot of this has
to do with our self-esteem, our image, the front that we put up, and if you want to permanently eliminate this front, let go of it, I created a program called
Transformation Mastery that takes you by the hand and teaches you how to do exactly that. Just click the link here below, start your deep transformation, get rid of the front,
get rid of all the worry, "Oh my God, what are
people thinking of me," filtering who you are
through this fucking front, click it and I'll see you on
the other side, motherfucker. (energetic rock music) - This is Julian and welcome
to Transformation Mastery. - It was fucking amazing. - This was huge for me. This was so, so important. - This gave me by far the
greatest feelings I've ever had. - It just made me finally
confront my deepest fears. - And we got, like, really deep and I found some issues within myself. - One of the best things
I've seen so far in my life. - What you are about to
experience going through this program is what
completely changed my life on every single level, okay? Be it health, wealth, relationships, higher purpose, you name
it, this is the stuff that finally, finally produced
that true, long-lasting personal transformation we're all after.
