How To Stand Up For Yourself Without Being A Jerk

Joe Rogan has the most popular podcast on the planet and I think a huge portion of that can be credited to the fact that his audience respects his authenticity especially in the face of conflict so in this video we're going to talk about five things that you can do which will command respect in those tough situations without having to act like a jerk now the first thing that Joe Rogan does that cannot be discounted is that he is a trained fighter he knows how to defend himself physically so he's more likely to speak up around people who act violent then you might be if you were afraid of getting hurt when a lot of us see the sort of terrible behavior we may not want to speak up we fear that someone is going to get in our face and escalate things to a level that we don't want to go and a big value of knowing martial arts is not that you go around picking fights but that you feel more comfortable saying what ought to be said knowing that in the worst-case scenario you can protect yourself which is exactly what happens here the guy who is dating this woman gets into a shoving match with Joe and rather than knocking him out cold Joe simply puts him into a Thai clinch so that no one gets hurt and hopefully the guy learns a lesson but physical confrontations are the exception usually were more afraid of the social consequences of confrontation Joe is okay though if people do not like what he says he believes that honest conflict has more social value than dishonest harmony and that means that he's going to risk upsetting people being yelled at or being despised if telling the truth requires it take the Carlos Mencia incident several years ago Carlos had been stealing jokes for less famous comedians for years and it was an open secret in the comic industry almost no one did anything about it until Joe Rogan walked on the stage with Carlos and started chewing him out in front of a live audience all the other comedians who valued social harmony as paramount kept quiet and just whispered about Carlos behind his back but nothing changed and Mencia got more famous off the work of these other comedians it took Joe standing up in front of an audience that started out not very receptive in order to actually make a shift and to be clear Joe had to do this publicly because when he would ask his comedian friends to speak up about what was happening they didn't even want to say it on the record that's what happened with Bobby Lee for instance in this next clip anyway it's good to see you like you are afraid of confrontation this can be a tough but critical mindset if you want to be authentic and command respect the intermediate stages of confrontation are usually not fun sometimes people will yell at you and you're likely to feel very uncomfortable you're usually not going to want to bring the issue up whatever it is but if you want to stop a particular behavior and you want to win the respect of everyone else who is thinking the same thing but is afraid to say it you must speak up now the same thing applies to telling friends difficult truths in this next case Joe's friend Brendan Schaub was a heavyweight UFC fighter who had looked very sloppy in several fights and whose lack of technical ability was liable to get him hurt now as a fighter Saab wanted to continue past all obstacles but as his friend and an analyst Joe knew that the difficult honest truth could wind up saving his friend from serious physical consequences it's not that you don't try hard it's not that you're not dedicated it's not that you're not disciplined it's not that you're not intelligent there's that other people can do that you can't do if you had a wrestling match which came Velasquez how will you think you do straight-up wrestling yeah I think people be surprised really you think so mm-hmm I think you'd be surprised mmm I really do I think you do I say that as a friend and a guy who loves you this was a hard conversation essentially telling your friend that you don't think he has what it takes to achieve his dream during the podcast Brendan wasn't tears and you're only going to have the courage to begin these tough conversations when you accept the fact that being nice and avoiding harsh truths isn't necessarily kind and it's not being a good friend encouraging Brendan's dreams could have wound up with him getting serious brain damage so telling the truth and upsetting Brendan in the short term was actually the caring move from Joe now this isn't to say that you should just blurt out every mean thought that you think if you're going to be confrontational you want to do it appropriately so how should you handle these conflicts well we actually have a full bonus module on this topic in our course charisma University that module goes far beyond what I can cover in this YouTube video about handling conflict charismatic aliy making the other person respect you more for bringing up these tough issues so if that sounds like something that you're interested in definitely check out charisma University if you want to be more confident in those situations but for now here is what we can see from Joe first off it's often a good idea to acknowledge that you don't enjoy the conflict and that the person that you're speaking to may not either this is particularly useful for situations where you're entering into conflict with someone that you're close to take the conversation with Brendan Schaub as an example this is hard for me to say because I love you as a friend you know it's hard for me to say but this is just a reality the guys who are at the top of the [ __ ] mountain they're performing at a different level than you so it sucks right it sucks for me to say it it's if I don't like it coming out of my mouth I don't like it and the reason why I don't like it is because I love you as a human being whether someone is doing something that is upsetting to you or you're just worried about them a great phrase to kick off a potentially confrontational conversation is this you start by saying look this is something that I've been wanting to tell you but I've been uncomfortable about it and I haven't wanted to say it that sentence opens the other person up and makes them less likely to jump down your throat if the news is on the harsher side the second tip is to allow for nuanced truth oftentimes when we are in conflict we feel as if we disagree entirely or not at all so when someone says something we disagree reflexively rather than listening to what they say and agreeing where possible like this for sure you beat Gonzaga's good fight yeah you you're a very good fighter that's not what the the issue is the issue is can you become a champion if you can't become a champion are you comfortable with getting knocked out three or four more times take Eddie Bravo's conspiracy theories for another example Joe doesn't just say that Eddie is dumb and that every case of his doubt is stupid instead he disagrees with very specific issues that he raises and in this case it's Eddie's belief about a flat earth cover-up when you start thinking that the world is flat the dinosaurs aren't real all this nutty you believe and you just jump into it with the problem is it discredits all these other things that you believe that might be real hmm because the other things have some validity to it you just haven't looked into similarly you want to that as certain as you are in your perspective your opinions and your perceptions are fallible so avoid statements about being absolutely right and instead speak like this it's totally yes you could do it you're a big guy man you hit hard you know if you land the right shot at the right time but if I was objective and I was standing outside looking at it from the outside and I had a bet I would have to bet on him couching your statements like this keeps you from devolving into pointless is what you're saying objectively true arguments because like it or not the other person cannot deny your opinion about the facts or where you would decide to place your bets on how things would turn out which brings us to the third point and that's that whenever possible you want to confront a particular behavior and not a person in the heat of the moment it is easy to forget that you don't disagree or hate anyone entirely it's impossible what you have an issue with and maybe it's a huge issue is a particular pattern of behavior so that means that you want to avoid saying things like you're a jerk which are blanket statements and instead stick to speaking about the exact behavior that you take issue with [Music] this mentality leads to Rogen's fairly unique ability to like someone as a person completely separate from their political or social views now this is the case with Alex Jones who Joe is known for years despite the fact that he disagrees with a lot of what alex says Alex Jones I love you buddy for real but you say some silly that's where this all comes from doesn't mean I don't love you you'll see a similar pattern of validating the person while objecting to specific behaviors when Joe speaks to Owen Benjamin about what he writes on Twitter I wanted to talk to you about social media okay because I I love you me too I think you're very good guy I really do you are the worst representative of yourself on social media the point is that when possible realize that you don't have a conflict with a person but with a pattern of behavior and if you begin to think that you are in conflict with an individual you will dig in your heels and make things worse you're likely to conflate the person with their ideas and when this has happened in some of Joe Rogan's podcasts they create some of his worst moments couldn't care less people wanna smoke joints you're an ideologue buddy really that's an ideologue position by saying leave it to the state yeah you're locked in man really bullish about Colorado and traffic deaths should we go you up with this too so remind yourself what particular behavior you are trying to change and realize that any name-calling beyond that is only damaging the respect that you were building by having the courage to confront the issue in the first place now like I said if you really want to master those moments of conflict in your life which can be pivotal for how people respect you we have a full module on conflict in our course charisma University and if you want to get a taste of what that course is all about I've set up a video which discusses the four emotions that lead to an amazing first impression consistently if you nail these you dramatically reduce the risk that you're actually going to get into a conflict like this in the first place since the other person is going to think so highly of you and it's not like you're definitely going to get in conflict if you miss these opportunities but you are more likely to just be ignored or forgotten during that first impression so if that's something that interests you click the link in the description drop your email and check that video out today also if you've enjoyed the video and you haven't yet done so make sure to subscribe to the channel and hit that notification bell I know actually last week we were an hour late and getting the upload up so if you want to make sure that you don't miss it when it does go live hit that notification bell it's super helpful anyways hope that you guys have enjoyed this video and I look forward to seeing you next time

Channel: Charisma on Command

Views: 8,034,863

Rating: 4.7935991 out of 5

Keywords: charisma on command, charismaoncommand, joe rogan, brendan schaub, joe rogan experience, jre, ufc, comedian, jokes, stand up, self improvement, confidence, charisma, fight, carlos mencia, Charlie Houpert, CoC

Id: GFphNr0FK-0

Length: 11min 27sec (687 seconds)

Published: Mon Sep 24 2018

Reddit Comments

[u/Asmodeus2012]

Why does everyone think that those in charge of society have all but tried to outlaw anger from our discourse?

Because when real truth is spoken, it is most often and most fluently spoken in anger. The mother-tongue of honesty.

[u/redditrisi]

Values honest conflict over dishonest harmony?

Why is he not more concerned with Democrat Party unity?

It's almost as though he's not a Democrat!!11!

[u/martini-meow]

Comment about honest conflict at 1:45 in the vid.

[u/martini-meow]

Taking a different angle, being all educational and stuff, Irami Osei-Frimpong, a.k.a. The Funky Academic, cautions against false unity:

https://thehill.com/hilltv/rising/525331-funky-academi-unity-and-division-are-manufactured-by-those-in-power (with 2 minute clip)

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=YUY9hR8xD_o 11 minute clip, more depth, with thought provoking questions about "unity" being weaponized against the poor.