How To Live After Divorce Or Separation ❃Myles Munroe❃

what I want to deal with tonight is how to live after divorce or separation how to live after it now those of you who are young people in this room today and you have not gotten married yet this is probably going to be one of the most important sessions you've ever been in because you are going to to experience the danger of of the divorce and separation you can learn the turmoil of it you're going to learn the tremendous pressure problems distress and hurt that you experience if you go through it those of you who are married and happily married this is going to be a very crucial session for you because you are going to discover how you can solve once and for all any consideration for separation you're going to stop thinking about it after tonight you're going to learn to deal with all your problems and face them head-on no matter what you're going through you're going to accept that look it's better to be in this mess than to be out of it now you're going to you're going to see why those of you who who have been divorced you're going to understand a lot of your feelings and it may explain is in a very interesting way people experience things we can't explain what they are experiencing and the most typical thing in life to do is to experience something and not understand it and so if you have been through a divorce or maybe you are even in the state of separation the feelings that you have and the difficulties you go through you're going to learn how to identify them and deal with them and finally I'm going to talk to all of you who claim that you love the world in Jesus name that you care about people now we know that there are some churches for example a great church is a bit like the Catholic Church who are not necessarily persuaded about the issue of divorce as being acceptable and so in many many cases they have difficulty with this subject there are other churches who have difficulty with remarriages among divorcees and that's a great feel logical discussion for many seminaries then there are those who believe that once you've been divorced then you are a failure you are a second-class citizen a subhuman and you'll never be able to stand up on your feet again and look life in the face as a perfect person anymore then there are those who say that divorces taboo if you ever get a divorce your friends leave you your church reject you you can't minister for God anymore you can never take the position of a ministry whereby you can be expected to carry out the job of a minister and so people have all kind of attitudes toward divorce if you are separated people tend to look at you as a half a person something's wrong with you and that you have to almost apologize or be who you are now well I've got good news for you tonight you're going to be set free from all that stuff you are going to be able to counsel tonight anybody who's been divorced going through a divorce or considering it now you know as you've indicated somebody who has been through a divorce either a family member or maybe even a very close friend or somebody associated with you and that's good you can help them one of the things that we mentioned last time that I want to pick up on is the fact that God first of all does not encourage nor enjoy division God is a God of unity he's a God of peace is the god of cooperation and as a matter of fact the very spirit of God is a spirit of unity so God is is not for anything that is divisive God is not in favor of broken fellowship in any way in broken relationships in broken bodies and broken lives and broken homes and in broken Minds God is in the business of bringing people together now God is not the author of destruction we know that so anything that destroys is not authored by God alright so we know that we also know that God is not the author of anything that kills nor does he come to steal anything that brings us peace and joy life abundantly we talked about divorce as being something that is almost military and the word that is used for divorce in the bible is the word that we try to describe it the word apostasy on and is when we get our word apostate from and it literally means to defect and to defect means to fall down or to release a commitment that you once made unto death this word defect is always used in military terms because it's always in reference to a soldier commit himself to die for what he committed himself to fight for so when you get married the first thing you need to remember is that it's like joining a war doesn't mean you're your neighbor or your spouse is against you but what it means is that when you come together in marriage you must remember that there is a war on to destroy you now we repeat it you are not each other's enemies but there's a war you just entered and the war is life and life is out to destroy you and Satan instigates everything to destroy your marriage so your marriage is not the war your marriage is in the war and you assign yourselves to each other to be soldiers until death do you part like any other soldier now if you relinquish that commitment that's called apostasy on or defection when any and it whenever anybody defected the result was what they shot him now who shot him not the enemy for the ones he was fighting with it shows you how serious it is to commit yourself to somebody else it means then and I was making this point in our marriage seminar last year in the industry of vows and we tried to share the difference between a vow and a promise a promise is used when we talk about engagement but of all is youth when we talk about marriage and when of always made the Bible says that a vow is unto death and that doesn't mean that you necessarily kill a person or anything but the reason why I've always so serious to God and God says don't make it if you're not going to keep it because a vow is under death now what that means is if you make a vow and you break it you are not making a vow to people and I want you to write this down promises are made to humans vows are made to God that's important to remember in marriage so you can promise anybody anything and break it and get away with it but when you make a vow that's to God and his regardless of always and you find the Ecclesiastes chapter 2 very clearly it says that a vow before God it's better not to vow at all than to break of all you've made why because evolved is unto death now here's with the death means the death means when you make a vow you have given God the right to kill you if you break it so the death is not in reference to when you die the death is you are giving God the right to allow you to die if you break the vow now you can find this very clear in the Old Testament when they prove when when they when they break vows God is mercy if it wasn't available something happened so vows are made to God now that's serious in a marriage because that's in reference to a commitment between two humans when you go before the church altar the reason why we normally encourage people to go before the church altar is not because the minister has some magic that he works to make a marriage work matter of fact most marriages that don't work start in the church but what happens is when when you go before a church what you are doing is making a vow before God you are acknowledging that this building is set apart for the worship of God and it's in that place that you come before God symbolically to make a vow to another person now the vow is not made to the person please make a note of that if you not marriage please listen carefully valves are not made to people they've made to God so you can say a promise to your spouse put your ball with the dot are you giving God the right therefore to pass judgment based on your very own justification let me explain what I mean when you make a vow before your wife brother what did you say to your wife you said I promise to love you and to cherish you and to be a husband until you watch your words until death do it part now who said until they're not God you so a vow is built into a vow is also the penalty and the penalty is established by the person making the vow is the serious stuff is not accepted by God but by the person making the vow so when you tell God you're talking to God now you're not talking to this pretty girl you marry you're talking to God brother you saying God I'm going to marry this girl be a husband to her I'm going to cover my protector cherish her and live in a rest of my life until death do i baught God says taking notes fine got you recorded Tommy everything's in order so you just gave God license to give you the penalty if you violate a vow so God is for the commitment of eternal marriage on earth until death either death either one of the death you wish even the natural one or the one that you bring on yourself now this word defection is serious God made no provisions for divorce in Genesis 1 & 2 there's no provisions for it which implies that God never intended for marriages to break up isn't that something he never made provisions for divorce there's nowhere in God's commands where there is an escape hatch out of marriage so before you get in check and make sure you don't want to get up divorce is there for man's invention not God divorce is the product of man not God marriage is not design for divorce please write the down your note marriage is not designed for divorce now tonight we're going to be dealing with the problem that results from a separation and be that by official divorce or by the divorce based on just simple separation divorce in Scripture was invented by Moses and Moses came up with the idea of divorce because of man's hearts not being raped Moses had a concern he had a very large group of people he was responsible for it is said the group was between 3 and 5 million and he had to take care of these people for over 40 years in the wilderness you know how it is Bhangarh the church in that big butt over 3 to 5 million people in one place one man responsible for all of them that's a serious consideration they're getting married and trying to live in these tents all over the place and one of the problems that arise is that people begin to fight how many of you ever had a fight in your house let me see your hands you know homes have a lot of fights some of them are small and some are big some are subdued from our very technical others are very physical people fight alright now we use the word fight and fight sounds so terrible but you know it really means you you have a disagreement right you have basic problems that you try to solve and sometimes you can solve them intellectually so you will breathe you know you sort of go to pots and pans and people have problems in the homes but Moses I think you with these problems and Moses problem was so bad that the people began to fight each other to the point where they were about to kill one another I'm even know any of those things in your neighborhood in your neighborhood right now it may be somebody who is having a problem in their mark you could hear them down the street crossing and throwing bangs and running in the house and throwing their clothes out in the yard and you know breaking up the cars and I mean just dumping the type right lorne and y'all know I'm talking about people fight but that's the way Moses with experiencing a problem and Moses came to the night they even say what I'll do since God has no provision in his laws for divorce or defection he said before these people kill one another I am going to introduce a policy whereby they can part themselves away from each other in a manner whereby they can fight themselves by themselves and so he came up with a side of divorce he says now in order to do it legally and God has made me an authority he says in order to illegally what you need to do is get a bill of divorcement a legal written document from me Moses says and that will legalize the separation well that was the setup and God didn't disagree with it but neither did God sanction it God just looked at it as Jesus would have said it when they argue achieves about divorce she just said what did Moses command you and the answer was he didn't eat the mana to write a bill of divorcement why did he command that he said because of the wickedness of your hearts our hearts are so terrible the people said that most of the do something to save us from ourselves she said you're right he says but in the beginning it was not so God never had design in marriage but he bought because he made them male and female and therefore for this reason should a man leave his mother and father and cleave unto his wife and the two shall become one flesh right and therefore whom God joins together let no lawyer put asunder amen or no third party come in there and mess things up so we find teasers been explaining and separating God from divorce again he's saying our divorce is real and it happened and it is a real situation in life and I'm not against it Jesus said but it's not God's perfect design for man you understand that now why am I going this far back because there are people walking around today who are so high-minded in their religiosity and their stupor that they believe that most people are no longer full human there are churches who never talk about divorce because the minister doesn't know what to say there are churches who never teach on divorce and they got over 50% of their congregation divorces there are thousands of people right now watching this television program who are hurting and hurting and feel so depressed and so isolated so lonely and even the church can help them because even the church don't know what to do with them how many people have gone to churches looking for help after divorce experience and the church isolate them just like their spouse did it's it's hurtful to go through a trauma like that and even the people who claim to have the love of God can't help you well this year is the year of the family and we're going to deal with the hard stuff we're dealing with this issue and I want you to sit down and listen to it because it affects your life it affects your family it may even affect you personally as a result of you going through a divorce and maybe you can save you from one if you understand how much of a traumatic experience it is there are more divorced people in our country in the nations around the world now than they are married and I'm sorry to say that in America it is now a statistic that out of every three marriages one ends in divorce that means sweetheart that you're you're a CEO is pretty much against you for every three marriages one ends in divorce in America you're talking about thousands of marriages every weekend and what is it in the Bahamas I'm not sure what I believe it's very high they say that the divorce courts in our country are backlogged with lawyers trying to keep up with what's going on because people are coming in as soon as we tie somebody on Sunday on Monday somebody's getting the knot cut what because this is a real problem and because of the problem that no one likes to deal with we like to say well it doesn't really happen it isn't real just imaginary now you'll be okay and somebody who's gone through a divorce goes through hell on earth believe me now there are three kinds of people that are hurt the same way a divorcee is hurt the first kind a person of course is a person who's separated but not divorced the person who's been together with somebody for many many years I mean getting a history my might gentlemen can you fix this people who have been separated but they're still married rather than just speaking you'll be able to record it in your own notes and share it with somebody as if you can't see this particular board please get to a place where you can see it I really want everyone to have a chance to look at this information now first of all I want to tell you that this session is called life after divorce and separated sit up with me life after divorce and step I say life free love after divorce and separation I see it again right after divorce and stuff I show up like one more time right after divorce and separation say it again all right that doesn't sound too right does it life even you can go on living after they separate themselves from you or divorce you can you go on living of course you can now what is the result of separation and divorce there are three major traumatic experiences the Bible talks about them the first one is a broken heart ever heard that is in love songs but listen a broken heart is a real thing we're not talking about that machine in your chest that although that pumps blood that doesn't break all right that gets crawled up sometimes and you have a cataract arrest or something carry out the rest but you do not raise a cataract same thing it covers up a broken heart is a real experience now the Bible talks about a broken heart I want to prove to you that God knows that your heart gets broken now in the book of Luke chapter 4 verse 18 is actually the first Scripture that Jesus quotes and is the first one that he uses to describe his ministry and in this picture he mentions this statement he says the Spirit of God is upon me and he has anointed me to preach the good news everybody say good news now guess what anyone with a broken heart God has good news for them amen he says he got knotted me to preach the good news to the poor what's this to bind up the broken hearted glory to God in other words he starts off his laughter preach he says now read a heart that broken God is is emphatically stating that people do have broken hearts now there are many many ministries in this country and in America and in Canada different parts of the world many churches great churches with great histories who are ignoring the brokenhearted when you've been through a divorce the first experience is a broken heart what is a broken heart you know the heart is the center that pumps life to the rest of your body as your physical heart do you understand that that means without your physical heart the rest of your body will die because your blood takes oxygen and nutrients to every part of the body so if you shut the heart down the body quits so a broken heart in the sense that Jesus used it is something that stops you from wanting to live I want you to analyze your your feelings when you've been jilted you remember the feeling you had when you were jilted or when you were separated from your husband or your wife or when your divorce papers came through you remember the feeling when you had their first meeting about separation and he said to you let's get a divorce or you said to her or to him we're going to get a divorce you remember that feeling that was the feeling of I can't go on anymore now you may have survived that feeling but it's a very real experience and Jesus came to bind up broken hearts now the second thing that happens when you go through a traumatic experience of divorce or separation or losing someone who you love is what we call a crushed spirit sacredly a crushed spirit now this is a very biblical statement a cross spirit I want you to turn with me to this book of proverbs chapter 18 and now we want to read this passage of scripture about a crushed spirit and it says in verse 14 of chapter 18 of Proverbs beautiful words but sad as well it says a man's spirit sustains him in sickness but a cross spirit who can bear it that means when your spirit is crushed it's the next step is suicide it's the most unbearable experience you've ever had a cross spirit now a cross spirit is actually the same as a broken heart in the sense that God uses it I want you to look at this third one the third thing that happens after you separate divorce is a painful soul now what's a soul your soul is made up of your mind your will and your emotions I want you to write those three things down those three things go into trauma when you go through the wall or separation or you lose somebody who you love your soul becomes painful your mind can handle it memories begin to haunt you remember the memories those of you being through a divorce are you separated memories of the first day you were married good memories come and bad ones to your mind can't handle that the difficulty of adjustment then your will your will begins to fight can I put up with the pressure or should I give in and go crazy and then your emotions oh my god what a tremendous blow your emotions take when you go through a separation well probably 1513 gives us some insight into a soul that has been torn and it says in verse 13 our happy heart makes the heart cheerful ready for this but heartache crushes the spirit what does not a crush heart ache cross the spirit this is where this is effective now when your heart is is broken that is your center of life has been disturbed you almost have no desire to go to work hello you don't want to eat you don't want any children around you heaven help you you don't want to see no body including your parents eventual divorce you don't want to see no body you don't want to see nobody you just want to lock up and be by yourself unless you die now what is that in the indicating the center of life has shut down there's no desire to live that leads us to the final one and that is if you are not able to make it through the heartache a broken heart a cross spirit and a painful soul then you resort to destruction of life now when I say divorce and separating and end in destroying your life I'm not only talking about physical suicide there are people who go through mental suicide I just quit living people go through emotional suicide they never have a relationship anymore with anybody that's an emotional suicide that people who go through a psychological suicide where they believe everybody's out together because they've been through one bad experience well I want you to read this verse of scripture with me proverbs chapter 17 verse 22 and it tells us what happens when a spirit is crushed that leads you to destroying your life it says a cheerful heart is good medicine have you noticed all of these scriptures start off with cheerful hearts that means it's most important thing for you to do in life is to have an atmosphere of joy in your life because it counteracts any destructive element but the divorce goes on to say a cross spirit dries up the bones now did you get that when a spirit is crushed it drives up the bones I want you to underline the statement dries up the bones put in your notes dried up the bone and then put next to that the factory for blood your bone has a cavity inside all of your bones and inside that cavity is what they call the marrow the Mallo of your bone is the organ it's an organ and it reproduces blood cells that's where blood is made now what does the Bible say of a blood life of the body is in the blood so if life is in the blood then the most important organ in your body is the bone marrow hello that is why any disease that affects the blood is termed terminal if you got a disease of the liver they cut the liver off if you get disease of the pancreas they cut that out if you get a disease of the heart they patch it up but even put a new one in but if you got disease the bone marrow they try and transplant it but the chances of success of so rare and they normally give you over to terminal illness you will die now notice what it says here it says a crush spirit begins to work on the very source of your life it dries up the now let me explain to you a serious disease if you are not able to handle the results of a divorce or separation you will eventually die we're not talking about just physical death we're talking about starting off emotional death psychological death intellectual death mental death and then eventually you begin to end up with social death you know you just quit keeping friends that's social death and you you you will begin to end up almost to a point where you begin to shrivel up physically and of course if you are of the extreme you blow your brains up or take them pills or jump out of a window where you do something that takes your life but as you can see anyone who goes through the trauma of separation or divorce they face some serious thing now what if the Bible say about a crush spirit who can bear it the god god is saying listen I want you to get this statement very clearly in your mind the statement who can bear it is telling you and me that there are people who are faking it now hear me good I've run into people said oh I don't care if you don't like me anymore I don't care she did want me I don't care if you left me oh come on you lyin if you have been involved emotionally you got a kid the Bible says a crushed spirit no one can bear it you don't walk around say well we've been married 20 years right knew was gonna break up anyhow so he could go to head let me tell you something you livin in hell and you don't want to admit it I'm going to prove you that one of the one of most dangerous things that happens in a broken relationship is denial people deny that it happened or deny that feel it but I'm telling you the Bible is right when it says that a cross spirit no one can handle it you need help you hear me you need help if you going through a divorce experience of separation or you've been through one I don't care all you say I hang in tough you just hang in tough I'm going to show you from Scripture but the Bible says to do with a cross spirit and it's amazing what it says to do you need help all right now when you seen all this pain and the problems here I want you to turn to Psalm 43 verse 5 for a know hear from the Book of Psalms and I want to talk about this painful soul Psalm 43 and in those of you at home are listening to this cassette tape I hope you have your Bibles because it's going to be a blessing to you if your mother went through a divorce or your father went through a divorce I'm going to show you what they went through and some of you who are children that grew up in a divorced home you couldn't understand what wrong with these adults why are they acting so childish why is my mother so where all of a sudden how come my father is acting so strange I'm going to show you what they were going through now in the book of Psalm 40 43 and now we want to read this together if you will out loud because I think it's going to be a blessing to you just to hear what the Lord Lord's words say about the soul verse 5 let's read it together in that a beautiful scripture it says his soul talking to this part of your body the mind of will and emotions he says why are you so downcast or my soul why you so depressed that's the word for downcast I'm depressed listen people who go through separators and divorce they are plagued with depression and David found a secret to get rid of depression he says first of all admit it why are you depressed oh my soul this guy wasn't trying to be spiritual well good Lord is my god bless you depressed you not bless you depressed but I'm blessed oh you're depressed now admit the problem first I'm depressed okay now he says why you so disturbed within me I am uncomfortable I'm not happy god it was I found an answer for depression he said put your hope in God hallelujah listen he put your hope in the guy and he jilted you he put your hope in the girl and she quit he put your hope in the marriage bow on a didn't hand handle it it just fell apart God says why not try me I'll never leave you neither forsake you when they quit I'm still with you but you had your hope in the wrong person and what David was praying and the only way you can experience great depression if your expectations were disappointed David in the same book talks about IX but expectations should be of the Lord only hallelujah it's a blessing all right I want you to look at this second aspect I want to deal with the night and that is how to recover from divorce or separation now whatever category you in if you know somebody who's divorced I want you to know that this is some of the things they go through now those of you who've been going steady with somebody for a long time on you it's one fell apart this is what you went through if you are married but separated nuan covering some traumatic experiences still this is what you went through the first thing I want to ask you is where are you in your recovery process one of the first stages that people go through is avoidance did you avoid your divorce now if you avoided your divorce you do it in two ways you do it mentally and emotionally if you divorce if you go through a separation or divorce or if you break off relationship with somebody one of the first survival mechanisms is to avoid it now to avoid your divorce means that you refuse to talk about it you mentally block it out you you almost live as if it didn't happen you avoid people who want to ask you about it you avoid situations that remind you of it even avoid going through some streets or go into certain restaurants used to go to even avoid go into the certain churches that used to sit in together this first reaction is a serious one people avoid it the second mechanism people use is xscape did you expect your divorce how do you escape a divorce by going into another quick relationship some folks get married quickly after they get a divorce that's the most dangerous thing you can do we're going to prove that next week but people are xscape the hurt by trying to pack it in with another relationship that's a very dangerous thing to do and if you are considering it stop there's no escape from the real feelings of trauma the only way to deal with trauma properly is to look at it in the face and and face it head-on and don't try and escape from it the third way that people try to deal with separation and divorce and trauma is they deny it ever happened they deny the divorce you deny something that happened to you well you just simply mentally block it out and say it didn't happen and people do it all the time in one of the ways that people justify this is by pride we're going to prove that next week show how people use their pride they deny what happened you know you always walk around say boy it will never happen to me and then it happened to you now what are you going to do and it happened to you well you deny it so you can provide literally finally people do the fourth thing I have listed here that is they learning to face their divorce now there are people who have been divorced for 10 years 20 years separated for 30 years and they still haven't reached number 4 they not accepted it that it happened that people who still walking around believe in their marriage they carried a name and they hang on to this thing and and you know and if you a divorce and separated you still marriage don't get me wrong hang onto that name and legally new marriage before God you married if you were divorced then you no longer married but if you are separated and still married you still married okay but you must accept and face your separation but if you divorce you must accept your divorce if someone jilted you say hello if somebody left you for somebody else I'm talking about boy friend doing it right now then you gotta accept it happened don't keep calling on the phone and send them notes and send them cakes hey it's over all right now how do you accept an experience that's dramatic the first thing you do is you accept the fact that you got to walk through it all the way under walk foot all the way means you gotta stop and start from zero this thing happened now let me put my life back together let me get my balance back let me get my vision back let me get my identity back let me get my perspective back let me get my person back let me get my rights back let me get my home back let me get my emotions back honey there's a whole lot of work you got to do all you can run from it and escape or deny or avoid but you got to go through it Psalm 34 verse 17 will be read sign it sound 34 verse 17 here's what it says to do with trauma oh it is the blessing for you then love this Psalm 34 helps us to understand how we can go through a traumatic experience like divorce or separation or somebody leaving you verse 17 says the righteous cry out and the Lord hears them he delivers them from all the troubles everybody been in trouble the Lord is close to the one brokenhearted I love that the Lord is close to who brokenhearted man I read that the other night that just bless my socks off I said God to me when somebody's going through a divorce you are nearer than you ever were he said yet but that's the time when you feel he's the father's huh he is near to the brokenhearted when that girl chips you brother go to God hallelujah when that guy dumped you you should have gone straight to God why God love broken hearts Jesus said I was anointed to Mendham pocong hearts there ain't no psychologist that can handle your heart I swear that's true you might as well go to God amen I've never met a psychologist like a deal with a broken heart but God says I am netted a broken heart and verse 18 he says and I saved those with a crushed spirit hallelujah underline the word saved writing your notes and put next to it hold WH o le the words saved from the word salvation which means to make whole again God doesn't want to patch you up to be a half-breed God doesn't want you walking around saying well you know I used to be married God wants to go around saying I am totally single even if it is again he wants to make you whole again he wasn't make you a whole woman again on a whole man again no matter what you've experienced he came to bring save salvation wholeness back to your broken heart on your cross spirit hallelujah look at verse 19 the righteous may have many many many troubles but the Lord delivers them out of how many all of them some folks is but once you've been through divorce you always stuck with the stigma God is not with me I fix all of it hallelujah get a lot of handy the fixer-upper no matter what you've been through God is a good god he stays close to the brokenhearted and he fixes the heart and he does a complete job he takes care of everything with a broken heart and a cross spirit who never feel you got to sell yourself cheap to get over your hurt hello don't live in anybody in any bed to try and find some peace of mind you better find God I Davis says when I my soul is crushed I will hope in the Lord why God he is a heart fixer verse 20 says he will protect now watch this all my bones what do we say with the bones that's where the blood is that's where the source of life is and he says God will keep your life going hallelujah God will get to the mouth and if they keep on living it ain't over you know when you've been through a divorced man it feels like it's all over some you know what it is separation you were living together for 20 30 15 10 years and all of a sudden in separate houses you don't hear her voice anymore his voice is no longer in the home decided a bed is empty what a strange feeling the cups are no longer two but now one on the table all the time he the only set place for for fretting them out of the kids in UNAMI its trauma the Bible says that's okay God is close to the brokenhearted and he will keep your life going he would keep the bones functioning he would keep the organ of blood supply going listen to me you're going through a struggle with your marriage you feel like God I ain't gonna survive this this is for you today no matter how he's treating you God is after broken heart I am convinced that some time we quit too quick God's a heart fixer the last line he says he who blesses my spirit he says and not one of your bones will be broken God's talking about destroying the source of your life he says no matter what happens if they try to break your heart and in the same time break your bone he says they may get your heart but they're gonna get to your boom I am going to stop your bone from being broken I'm going to keep your sauce intact your heart might be a little crushed your spirit may be a little bruised put your source of life I'm going to keep intact you're going to come over this situation you're going to make it through the trauma you're going to get over the depression God is saying because underneath all that hurt there is a life-giving functioning source that is from God amen turn to somebody and says this is good say you can make it after you being hurt you know the name of this the name of the series that we're dealing with is life after divorce and separation you can live after it's all over here I'm saying when it's all over you can go on live it praise the Lord don't jump by the no windows take no pills and shoot no drugs just go to God who says fix her up my heart's broken she left me he told me off he walked out took his suitcase but God I still got my heart it's in pieces but here's my heart God is a heart mender he's a hard healer and he's a boon keeper I love God amen he encouraged now I want to talk to you then about the stage as a person goes through when this heart is broken when this separation takes place the tremendous burden and trauma and loneliness and depression they go through here are some of the things that people do when they go through a divorce or separation now if you are divorced you can look at any of these things I'm going to list and you could snore J head and say yep that's me and you are at one of these stages now there is a stage I want you to get at and we're going to deal with that in our next session but these are some of the processes people go through in dealing with the trauma the first one is withdrawal into self when people get hurt most of the time they become introverts they withdraw into themselves now this is dangerous because isolation can make you a prisoner to yourself they're people who have been hurt by somebody who they love very dearly either husband or wife a girlfriend a boyfriend or somebody they were shacking up with you know all these weird relationships we got common-law husbands and all these great things we got that are not godly and somebody was to walk on that situation and you separated people normally go into this strange thing of withdrawal they isolate themselves now proverbs 28 verse 25 I want you to read there with me and let's see what the Bible has to say about isolation proverbs chapter 28 verse 25 this chapter is a beautiful chapter very encouraging for those who don't have any friends it tells you how to handle the friendships but in verse 25 are some words that you need to you need to get in your spirit a greedy man stirs up dissension but he who trusts in the Lord will prosper he who trusts in himself is a wife Jayda he who trusts in himself is the what a fool I'm read it again he who trusts in himself is a fool but he who walks in wisdom is kept safe that means if you isolate your service as well I've been hurt no one understands me and nobody cares about me I'm just going to be to myself and stay to myself and I don't want to see nobody don't want to talk to nobody I just isolate yourself you come to work you sit quiet you go to home you lock up in the room hello you go to restaurant you choose nicely the table you come to church you you'll sit in the bathroom you do all kind of thing isolation the Bible says any man who trusts in himself is a lot fool that means if you say I'm going to deal with this by myself and don't tell me you didn't say that the Bible says you are AF o Oh L the Bible calls you a fool now if God says you fool if you try to work it out yourself and God created you it means that God did not design you to work it out by yourself I have been noticing something interesting and I'll get to it in a little while but I've been noting that the first thing God said to Adam that God recognized was it's not good for man to be alone you are not designed to handle it by yourself now I know what causes people to become withdrawn it's pride again they don't want to tell anybody they will hurt or they got you know jilted they don't want accept the fact not anyone else' to know that somebody dropped them or or or the situation didn't work out but this is a very serious thing withdrawal into self the second thing that people become involved in it would be called social butterfly say it with me you can almost see what that does when somebody's being divorced or separated and things didn't work out or if your boyfriend or good friend left you you go into either withdrawal or you do the reverse you become an extrovert over extroverted you begin to to socialize profusely to the point where you lose all sanity let me explain what I mean you attempt to replace the pain with people when people are hurting they believe that instant relationships can guarantee relief but I'm here to tell you that instant relationships getting into another one quick while getting into many others quick is no guarantee of relief from the reality of the pain I've known people who have gone through traumatic experiences like divorce separation or they've been abandoned by someone who they love and what they do I to show them that's the attitude spiteful spirit so they go around to every disco in town and take out everybody and sleep with them they go and find everyone with a person takes and sleeps with them that's dumb they every week they help with somebody new and someone ask them well how you doing since your divorce fine can't you see and they're just out there lying to everybody just stay cool you know they're just cool and they just bugging on the floor and crying inside and they're lying they are socializing to try and drown out the reality of the pain your boyfriend left you and you come to the same church you go to don't stay home from church you're being returned you're isolating yourself hey what do you do then pass the vials don't become a social butterfly fly don't just go with everybody else and live in the fair to show him that you could find somebody and vice versa don't become a social butterfly some people get a divorce on the next week they are out with somebody else dating what are they doing they are denying it happen but they're trying to fill up the hurt with relationships the best thing to do when you've been hurt is to find a quiet place and get with God and let the Holy Spirit begin to men Johan let him show you through wisdom how you can regain your composure and let you understand that your value and your worth is not dependent on the other person some of us think that well if you feel I mean if our marriage feel I'm a failure I Got News for you failing does not make you a failure look at your failure and say well I failed in that but I'm still a success and go on and do something with your life social butterflies never make it probably to the 25 verse 28 please turn there with me real quick let's see what the Bible says about social butterflies they do exist in the Bible it says in verse 28 of Proverbs a beautiful scripture read it together with me aloud verse 28 of probably 25 ready like a city whose walls are broken down is a man who lacks self-control the King James says as a spirit a man's further has no control by him is controlled by everybody else if you become a social butterfly everybody will run your life but as a matter of fact I'm concerned about this area right here because it is this area that make people make dumb decisions they began to sleep around with all kinds of people to prove a point that they could get somebody else but you see the folks who they given themselves to they don't know who they're getting they get in somebody who's sick because if you have not gotten to to overcome the hurt and the deal with it properly then all your relationships are superficial in this area you began to use people you use them sexually financially emotionally you misuse people just to get over your hurt and what you're doing you causing more hurt because you're not facing your problem the third stage that people go through is a stage we call stabilization stay with me stabilization stabilization is is an importance I think you to get straight in your mind when you're going through a divorce or you go through a separation one of the things that you really have to deal with is getting a balance between too few and too many people now let me explain what I mean when you've gone through a hurt sometimes you try and drown it out by a lot of friends you just go out partying you just go out every every social event you just sort of try and get lost in the crowd alright now that's social butterfly then some other people would go to too few friends that mean they'd only find people who were hurt like them and stay with them you know get two or three hurt people and then you get two or three free people together you got a hurting situation going on understand I'm saying that's a frightening thing now that means you got too many or too few you have to strike the balance alright don't go around trying to drown your feelings and relationships and don't try and hide within the hurts of others you've got to get a balance where you set your priorities your priorities should not be trying to hide or get rid of your hurt but your priority should be how do I deal with this earth the first thing is I got accepted let me go and find counsel with somebody with the wisdom of God who can help me identify what I'm feeling that's important to make a note of the first thing you should do is set a priority I must find out what I'm going through that's your priority because if you don't get that clear in your mind you start making wrong decisions so we'll get proper wisdom set your priorities and let that counselor give you the priorities based on the Word of God for you to follow and then you have something to live by until you get over the heartache you know how to deal with it that's what you call facing it then the fourth thing that people go through out the divorce is what I call independence see with me independence now independence is when you get custody of yourself back again mostly if you would go to get you go through divorces they normally think of custody of the children custody of the car custody of the house but let me tell you the first thing you get custody of before you get the children or the dog or the cat is yourself and the first thing you need to deal with is you now what I want to share with this our point is that most people get married independence all right I'll repeat it most people get married independence that means they get married because they depend on the person they are not independent before they get married so they got married with a with the attitude of depending on a person those kinds of people really go through trouble if they ever separated because now for the first time in their lives after years of dependency declaration of dependence has been given to them they didn't declare it it's been given to them you've got to now pay your own bills you've got to now worry about the children by yourself you've got a now take your the rent by yourself you got a now plan which way to go to work which route to take by yourself and honey that ain't no piece of cake independence is a serious experience for separation you notice be with somebody for 20 years and you always knew where everything was going to be taken care of because they always took care of things and all of a sudden ain't taking care of it no more now you got to build your own house you got to pay for your own car you got to buy your own crow you got a property with your own to face to independence is a reality it's an experience you got to go through when you talk about separation all right so these are things that people go through these are stages with draw rose they become a social butterfly which is the which is reverse to withdrawal or they cannot find a balance between too many friends and too little of the wrong friends or they have the experience this awesome independence all of a sudden now take some of this independence it's a dangerous one too because later on we're going to learn that if you develop the independence to the point where you isolate other people you could become a problem you can become so independent that you violate the very foundation of God which says you need other people there people who's who are become so independent after the divorce or separation that it's it's almost impossible for them mentally to imagine themselves now getting involved close with anybody else I'm going to share with you that that may not be God's answer for you all right and we're not talking about going back into another marriage or anything the possibility is there but this independence has to be realized in a context and the context is before you get married become independent why because you might need it again all right if you ain't stable before you get in honey when that thing falls apart you're going to become unstable twice and that leads to demon tation which is a big word for going crazy alright so independence you get custody of yourself after divorce and separation you finally got to do it all by yourself and that's not easy it's traumatic experience and then we'll deal with this last session and we're going to go on next week but I want to ask you a question now oh where are you now that's not the second post-separation stays I want to deal with this tonight post-separation stage is now there are a number of these we needed to uh to uh to finish tonight and I'm afraid to start the others because they get a little bit technical they get little involved but I'm gonna go ahead and do it someone say good I'm gonna finish it all right the fifth level that people go through and this one is very strange when you go through a divorce or separation or someone kills you right and you really hurt the emotional hurt is tremendous that the psychological scar is very very dangerous and now of course physically you you feel it as well you go through a stage I want to call where are you and who need you and this is called mixed feelings if you've ever gone through a divorce so you've gone through a separation you've gone through this period this is probably probably the most difficult period you have ever gone through this stage right here it's one of the most difficult now I want you to read that out loud for me and see if you could figure with that saying let's go ready go where are you who needs you that makes sense no it doesn't make any sense does it this is the stage you go through after separation where you emotionally miss the person and you begin to long for them I know you've gone through this you almost want to you want to see them you you wonder why they left and why do you leave me like this and you go through this thing and then all of a sudden your moods change who needs you anyhow you know I'm saying you you've been through that just why did this person live I don't need them any oh and then a few minutes later gosh and miss that food and then next bit say where is that fella and say who needed many up and guys go through it too everybody goes through it that woman but I really miss that woman I don't need her any help it's what you call come here stay away in what you call I need you who needs you it's a mixed feelings you go through now what causes the mixed feelings it is the fear of failure nothing explain what I mean this doesn't only happen with the person who you were married to or related with in relationship but this happens to anybody else who attempts to come into another relationship people have been divorced and they've been married for a long time before that they've gotten a divorce one of the things that they experienced dramatically is difficulty in developing close relationships with other people after that it becomes a real problem and the reason is because they're afraid to fail again and so even though they really want to have a close relationship when the person gets too close they push them off all right they're in the process out going away they pull them back all right and the person gets freaked with the pushing off again and after a while the boys begin to have some questions what do you want huh that's right see that doesn't mire person laughing minute now when you be going to share with you next week that this this this mixture of of feeling is a result of the trauma and what it what it is it's it's the confusion of companionship versus marriage this is important statement I just made people want companions but they don't want to marriage the need for companionship is in everybody so even though you've been hurt and you really been torn and your hearts been broken you sitting there going I I don't need nobody where is the it's a strange feeling then you you know you're afraid you meet somebody and you really like them or you know it's a boy I can really this thing might work all of a sudden they start coming on strong and they become a little bit too strong on your memory start going back to when the other person came on strong and you remember where that led to marriage and so you begin to to almost become up you become paranoid I love you yeah won't you marry me wait a while and you've been saying that for 10 years I love you the fella says but you want to get married let's wait a while yeah but it's been 10 years waiting yeah it's great two more you know it's just you cannot get over the fear of failure now we're going to help you with that in this session and in our sessions next next week we're going to share with you how you can overcome that fear and that God has provided the blood of Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit to help you deal with the element of trust you've got to deal with it otherwise you'll never be normal to the point but you can minister to people number six people go through we call panic everybody say panic now smile now let's be honest night it's a real one panic is a serious thing panic is when you begin to feel a number of feelings that you you don't want to admit when panic strikes rationale vanishes ever know what that means rationale is the word for sense so write it down your notes when you going through a divorce or you've been separated from somebody or somebody jilted you your boyfriend left to your girlfriend dumped you your husband walked out on you or you separated you go through this phase of panic now panic is a serious thing because you lose you when you panic you you lose your sense you begin to do dumb things one of the things you do is that you begin to sell yourself cheap you know what I mean by that anyone that back up goes ever heard that that's the Bohemian talk which means anyone who comes you grab one of the reasons why you feel that way because you said questions like one getting old I better get somebody now and it's no longer love it's now convenience that's a serious thing before you know this is this this thing you know I ain't getting no younger so somebody comes with no character no kind of vision for their life no spirit of God but guess what they available and because you panicking you - gone wrong and you marry them because you can't handle the loneliness you call it the fear of being alone all my life so guess what you end up marrying a problem forever I call it committal to solitary confinement you're still isolated but this person is in there and you got somebody who we can hear snore that's what all you got it's not love involved in anything you simply got somebody who could be around all right chronic is a serious thing people go through that after divorce panic alright now what you need to do is to David chronic is the actress of this question are things as really as bad as they seem that's why you deal with the panic situation things are not as bad as you think they're really and you got to deal with with that panic spirit that comes upon you you become afraid I know some of you young women a new young man you know you know I mean you had a relationship going on for two years you know I mean you know legislation to go over two years I'm all of a sudden the thing break up my god and for two of my two of your years with your life you gave this person and look what they did you two years old a little bit of grey show and now good lord so you say boy listen here I gettin old and he left me so she left me for you start grabbing anything that comes down the chute panic who just relax pastor Richard and I have concluded something in life we already choked each other about this we've concluded there's someone for everyone in the world believe me I'm not specific persons but there is someone for everyone Pat there's someone for you believe me there's someone for you okay turn to somebody say there's someone for you now if you marry tell them I'm the one all right now we want to close on this last one and we can pick up here next week the last area that I want to cover is when someone goes through these stages one of the last things you need to to design a gift this is the one you really want to get to this is the one that's healthy it's the stage of openness after you've been hurt you've been disappointed you've been through a traumatic separation or divorce or someone have jilted you and violated your trust you have to get to the place where God can bring it to this point of openness now openness is an honest desire to deal with change and you start making plans about your future you don't look back at the past and spend your hours just sitting down wishing what could have happened you need to know except that it has happened and be open to dealing with the change god what do I have to do the deal with the changes I'm going through and you get instruction you get counsel you get advice listen every human being goes through this experience I'm talking about to some degree even when your dog died who you love a lot you go through this stuff you really do you miss his bark and you got to deal with it you start calling money ain't there you know he forgot he's dead you start buying dog food and you forgot he's dead people do weird things right some of you buy beans with that even but you're mature your marriage you start preparing too much food because you forgot you said too many mats at the table because you forgot yeah you make the bed and puff the pillars because you forgot you just forgot a lot of things well these things happen but openness helps you deal with the future once you're trying to flip in chapter 3 on on Scripture and then we can read Isaiah as our preparation for next week Philippians chapter 3 this is good tonight I hope this is helpful to those of you who have been divorced going through one been through one or you know somebody is going through one take this tape to them and let them listen to it it'll bless them he'll bring them back to who they supposed to be Philippians chapter 3 verse 12 all right now here is something you do when you have gone through the hurt Paul says you haven't already obtained all that she's supposed to be verse 12 you haven't been made perfect either he says but press on to take hold of that which Christ Jesus called you for I took all of you for brothers I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it but one thing I do forget what is behind strained toward you like that word straining press means man things are coming against you you got to press your way through listen now you know nothing is worse than going through a traumatic experience like divorce I mean you've got an you've got a touch bottom when you've been through a divorce you know what I'm talking about those we've been through that separation sometimes you felt so low you say God where is bottom and you're looking up for Paul says even though the pressure is coming against you to kill you and all the stuff akechi say press the only way the pressed is to do what forget he says forgetting was behind pressed toward what is ahead this is what we talking about the future there's life after divorce this life after separation there's life after being jutted you need to get yourself back together take your broken heart and give it to God he's a hard mender take it bone Morrow turn it over to God let them keep him good in your life and reason for living and then begin to press now remember it's a press I'm not talking about something easy here I'm not giving you a get get free relief quick I'm not talking later stuff I'm talking about work but it's possible I'm saying to you no matter what you've been through the virtue of experience you can say to the future here I come you can say the past see you no more and you can begin to press on because there's life after separation this life after he leaves you there's life after she walks up don't quit because somebody quit on you don't quit on yourself because they quit on you you are worth fighting for fight for yourself hallelujah the Bible says that God be for you you are majority Amen you can rip anything that comes your way so you've been through the struggle of birth and divorce and separation and you've been through being jilted I tell you look to the future forecloses by saying something I want to bless you it he says I press on toward the goal to the prize that Jesus holds in his hands listen if you keep trying to patch up the pass you ain't never gonna move toward the future there is life after divorce and there's life after separation and there's life after being jilted but you have to first of all find your hope in God Amen put your hope in God there is hope for you if you got your hope in a hopeful God God is a God of hope and then set yourself Stern and say now it's gonna be rough take a deep breath get ups like it and say now I'm going to press until I hold my hands on to the prize that's in the hand of Jesus notice it didn't say press on toward another relationship hello it didn't say pressed on toward another marriage hallelujah didn't say press on to what another boyfriend no another girlfriend it says get your eyes on Jesus and if you present toward Jesus only push someone in your way press with them glory how they stand upon your feet let's just close today amen that's how you work it give them all a hand for his words in a session today praise the Lord thank you so much for joining us

Channel: Marriage Sermons Myles Munroe

Views: 567,776

Rating: 4.6970019 out of 5

Keywords: Paul Washer, Mark Driscoll, John Piper, Rick Warren, John MacArthur, Bishop T. D. Jakes, Bishop Noel Jones, John Hagee, Myles Munroe, Rev. Samuel Rodriguez, Apostle Ron Carpenter, Bishop I.V. Hilliard, Pastor Bill Winston, Apostle Guido Raúl Ávila, Joel Osteen, Victoria Osteen, Ed Young, Andy Stanley, Bill Hybels, Prophet Manasseh, Craig Groeschel, Charles E. Blake, Bob Coy, Matthew McCauley, David Rosales, Cindy Trimm, yt:stretch=16:9

Id: Oxuw8rocJvY

Length: 75min 52sec (4552 seconds)

Published: Fri Mar 20 2015