How to Feel Like a Man | The Art of Manliness

Juggalos hi there brett mchao from the Art of Manliness calm since starting the Art of Manliness nearly six years ago I've interacted with thousands of men from all over the world and one thing that I've learned over the years that many grown men out there simply don't feel like men now I'm not talking about feeling like a man in the cartoonish hyper masculine sense rather I'm talking about feeling like a man in the sense of that quiet confidence that comes from moving from boyhood into mature masculinity many of the guys I've talked to particularly the ones in their 20s and 30s have confessed to me that they still feel like a teenage boy except now they're just walking around in a grown man's body because they don't feel like mature men many of these young men are putting off adult responsibilities like careers families and civic involvement until they can look at themselves in the mirror and say I'm a man in the meantime these young men drift in securely through life wondering when they'll finally start feeling like grown men now these young men feel lost because they're following modern conventional wisdom on how a person becomes who they want to be convince them tells us that before we do something we first need to feel like doing it or feel like the kind of person who would do that sort of thing doing otherwise would be inauthentic or something like that and in order to feel like doing something so the thinking goes you need to get yourself in the right mindset or go off and find yourself or discover your deep inner truth or some other we would think like that so young men following conventional wisdom drift through life waiting until they feel like a man before they take their place in the circle of men they believe that some magical moment in the future they'll suddenly feel like a grown man and once that happens they'll finally have the motivation to start doing manly things but the problem with conventional wisdom on how a person becomes is that it doesn't work at least not very well nine times out of ten you won't magically start feeling like a man by simply thinking about becoming a man so how can you start feeling like the man you've always wanted to be by following the advice given by both ancient philosophers and modern colleges to feel like a man you have to act like a man several ancient cultures and religions taught that the way to belief and personal identity was not through contemplation but rather through action they understood the power that our outward actions have on our inner psyche here's an example according to the Torah when Moses to the top Mount Sinai and presented his people to stone tablets with the law of Jehovah inscribed upon them the Hebrew spoke in unison and I'm probably going to butcher this Nasia Venetia which means we will do and we will understand basically the Hebrews covenant that they would live the law first in the hope that through living the law they would eventually come to understand it today this statement represents a Jewish person's commitment to live all the law of Moses even if they don't fully understand the reasons behind each commandment modern rabbis teach that no say of a nitch mom is how one comes to understand God and his laws for men by living the outward ordinances a change happens within the Greek philosopher Aristotle taught something similar in his Nika McKean ethics in the Nicomachean ethics Aristotle lays out his idea of the good life and how to obtain it for Aristotle the good life meant living a life of virtue and unlike some Greek philosophers who believed that virtuous living came only from pondering upon the virtues Aristotle believed that understanding wasn't enough to become virtuous you had to act virtuous he said this on the topic but the virtues we get by first exercising them as also happens in the case of the arts as well for the things we have to learn before we can do them we learn by doing them for example men become builders by building and lyre players by playing the lyre so too we become just by doing just acts temperate by doing temperate acts brave by doing brave acts virtues don't come through simply thinking about them you have to exercise them and Aristotle's promises this if you want to virtue act as if you already have it and then it will be yours change comes through action act first then become the patron state of manliness Teddy Roosevelt also lived by this principle of acting in order to become he said this on the topic there are all kinds of things I was afraid of at first ranging from grizzly bears to mean horses and gun fighters but by acting as if I was not afraid I gradually ceased to be afraid thanks Teddy Teddy wanted to be fearless even though he wasn't instead of sitting around and thinking his way into courage TR put himself into dangerous and uncomfortable situations and acted courageously eventually he became the man who led the charge up San Juan Hill and journeyed down an unexplored River in the Amazon Roosevelt took action in order to become the man he wanted to be modern psychologists have a theory on why acting to become is such an effective way of changing who you are and how you feel about yourself it's called cognitive dissonance when there's a conflict between yourself perception how you're actually behaving you experience dissonance or tension in your brain and your brain doesn't like that and so your brain moves to close the gap by shifting how you feel about yourself to match how you're acting so here's the bottom line if you don't feel like a man you simply need to start behaving like the man you want to become and eventually just start feeling like you're that man act as if fake it until you make it your brain will eventually align your attitude and beliefs about yourself with your new behavior if you're ready to start feeling like the man you've always wanted to be today's the day you begin that journey like any journey it's nice to have a map so here you go step 1 figure out what sort of man you want to be healthy contemplation is still part of the equation here after all it's not enough to know you need to act you also need to know what actions to take what should we start doing where do we hope our actions will lead us so begin at the end ask yourself what sort of man do you want to be calm maybe you have a personal hero or a grandfather or a mentor who personifies your ideal version of manhood once you know what kind of man you want to be study and contemplate how that sort of man would live his life what would his daily routine be like how would he dress how does he treat a significant other and so on and so forth step 2 start doing the things that sort of man would do even if you don't feel like it once you know what sort of things your ideal man would do start doing them and here's the most important part do them even if you don't feel like it some of the stuff you'll have to do will be hard some of it will make you feel uncomfortable or awkward and some of it will make you feel like a phony ignore those feelings that's just what author steven pressfield's would called the resistance know that with time your new manful actions will transform the way you feel about yourself you will begin to see yourself as a man step 3 we dial a guitar for the rest of your life even when you go through a rite of passage that really transforms you and puts you on the right path you can't rest on your laurels becoming a man is not a one-time decision or event it's something you have to choose every day in fact becoming a man is a lot like shaving just because you do it once doesn't mean you're done you still have to wake up and do it again in the morning unless you're growing a beard we dial a guitar is a Latin phrase which means the manly thing is being done is being done always and forever ongoing take that as your motto for manhood I promise you as you start acting like a man you're gonna feel like a man until next time this is Brett Mackay telling you to stay manly

Channel: Art of Manliness

Views: 621,641

Rating: 4.953743 out of 5

Keywords: Art of Manliness, Mens Interest, Mens Style, How To

Id: z5Xyk3iQTJE

Length: 7min 59sec (479 seconds)

Published: Sun Aug 10 2014

Reddit Comments

[u/rand486]

tl dw; Fake it til you make it.

[u/RozCheck]

This is similar to how I decided to stop smoking and stuck with it. Before, during, and just after college, the way I viewed my identity was as a hard-drinking, smoking, band guy - but after a few years in a professional job, I realized that was not the self-image I wanted any longer. I tried to reframe my self-concept as a hard-working, healthy, and successful man. So when I soon thereafter quit smoking, it felt right because it was no longer an aspect of my identity. It wasn't easy by any means, but once I got over the constant craving and relearned how to enjoy activities without cigarettes (like coffee, driving, waking up...) I never looked back.

[u/NicetoNietzsche]

This is easily the most needed and most overall helpful EMSK post I've seen yet. Not that others weren't useful, but "feeling" like a man is an issue that is not addressed nearly often enough.

[u/Rocketbird]

I liked this! He mentions you can't think your way into courage, but then later says healthy contemplation is still a part of being a man. I'd like to clarify on that, saying that through meditation I learned to recognize which of my thoughts were useful and which were not, allowing me to become better at facing my fears upon realizing that fears were simply projections into the future and there was no way I could accurately predict the future every time. If there was no risk of bodily harm or injuring another person, fear-based predictions are almost entirely useless.

That said, "being a man" changes over the generations, and so some of the stuff (like his goodbye salute thing) seems kind anachronistic, the same way geeks wearing fedoras sixty years too late isn't a throwback but more an obvious imitation.

Lastly, I'm on the fence about the whole Hebrew example. The idea of following laws before understanding them had never occurred to me, as it's a kind of herd mentality that discourages independent thought. I suppose you could follow at first, then as you develop your own opinions choose to accept or discard, and so maybe questioning everything right at the outset isn't a great M.O., and should be replaced by following then improving afterward?

Either way, great video, gave me lots to think about (and act upon!).

[u/gaydogfreak]

i needed this thank you

[u/NicetoNietzsche]

Who is your ideal male role model? Mine is Jed Bartlet.

No one said it had to be a real person.

[u/redjonley]

Can someone drop a list of manly men who someone would want to be.

[u/Elethor]

This is great. I had never really thought about it, but this describes me very well. I think I have some work cut out for me.

[u/5aggregates]

"Happy People: A Year in the Taiga" http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1683876/ (it's on Netflix) is a great movie about trappers in Siberia. These guys don't just feel like men, they are. Tough. Honorable.