How To Completely Lose Social Anxiety - It's Quite Shocking

hello my name is noah elkrief and in this video i'm going to help you to lose your social anxiety so no matter how intense your social anxiety is whether it's just that you feel stressed around certain people or it's gotten to the point where you can't talk to anyone or it's just crippling social anxiety and maybe you think you have social anxiety disorder or something along those lines this video is for everyone this video gets to the core of why you have social anxiety it will explain what social anxiety is fundamentally in a way that you've never heard it before and it will help you to completely lose your social anxiety if you really get what I'm saying right it's not about losing 10% 20% this when you really get it as many people do you will lose all anxiety around people in every situation right so the reason why most people when they have social anxiety they can't get rid of it is because people try to use willpower you know effort practice to get rid of social anxiety the reason that doesn't work is because that doesn't get to the core of why you feel it so it seems as though we have anxiety around certain people or in certain situations and it's caused by the facts it's caused by being around people but if you're in a situation and you have social anxiety the way to know that it's not created by the facts is because some other people in that situation don't have social anxiety that means it must be created the thoughts in your head and not the facts otherwise everyone would always have social anxiety in that situation but in addition to that even you in some moments when you're in a situation you have social anxiety and in other moments in that situation you don't you forget about it for a moment so you can be in that same situation and sometimes not have social anxiety then it must be the thoughts in your head and not the situation itself another way to see that it's your own thoughts is if you look at you're sitting in a room by yourself and you're about to go meet with people or you're you're going to have a talk in front of people in a couple of days you can have social anxiety right now by yourself if you just start telling stories in your head about the situation and what might happen so now if you're clear that social anxiety is created by thoughts and not by facts then we can move on so what creates social anxiety simply the idea that it would be bad if someone had a negative opinion about you it would be bad if something happened is what creates all anxiety the thought it would be bad if something happened so when most people most people do realize that it's just their thoughts that are saying it would be bad if someone had a negative opinion about me and then when people see that they often think it's so silly but why can't I get rid of it why is it why do I feel so intensely scared after someone's opinion does it make sense it's so silly it's ridiculous but it's not it is fundamentally but you in order to lose your social anxiety you have to see by a negative opinion is hugely important for you okay that's the part that people don't get they don't understand why negative opinion has such an impact on themselves all right so in order to lose your anxiety what we are going to do here is to show you why a negative opinion has an impact on you and how to make it not have an impact on you because when a negative opinion doesn't have an impact on you then you have nothing to be afraid of which eliminates the anxiety from the core of it okay so now here comes the the main part of the video and to start off in order to lose your anxiety you need to understand what a self-image is you may have heard that term before so basically a self-image is the answer to the question describe yourself to me who are you right if somebody wanted to know who you are after you are dead what would you tell them right or what would you put on a dating site who are you right so that consists of what you think your personality I am nice I am mean I'm smart I'm stupid I'm successful I am failure I am interesting I'm boring outgoing shy any of those types of things I am happy sad stressed calm any of that so it's basically a story in our head a story in our head of who we think we are and there's a picture usually to go along with it and it consists of memories images and and all different types of ideas of who you think you are okay but the key thing to understand about that is it's not real all right where is any of that in this moment who are you where is success or failure right now in reality in this moment where is happy or sad where's nice one means selfish or unselfish good mom bad mom good at your job bad at your job accounting lawyer unemployed where is that in reality now other than has a thought in your head where's your nose now where is nice on me and smarter stupid it exists as a thought it's not real and since it exists as a thought it is incredibly fragile so why does it matter that the ideas in your head or fragile it matters because anything can impact it so why do we care about someone's opinion because in order to think you are nice you need others to tell it to you in order to think you're good at your job you need others to tell you so if you have an identity I am a good mom or good at my job then when someone compliments you it reaffirms that story in your head yeah I'm good it confirms it it strengthens it it makes it stronger it makes you feel it more I am good at my job right or it improves it I thought I was good but now I feel like I'm really good so a positive opinion confirms reaffirms strengthens our positive idea of ourselves or a positive opinion further improves the idea of ourselves but on the other hand a negative opinion an insult right a criticism worsens our opinion of ourselves right so if we think I am good a good mom and then someone insults us for not spending time with our kid or for being on our phone while we're with our kid well then our idea of ourselves I'm a good mom slightly worsens or if you think you're a good mom and someone insults you it pokes holes in that idea right or you think you're nice or caring it pokes holes in it it was strong I'm caring I'm good mom I am nice I'm smart but when someone insults you well then a little question comes in am i it weakens a little bit so the opinion itself that you hear doesn't actually directly affect you what affects you is your belief in their words okay I'll say that differently so that you get it or maybe I'll give you an analogy right so if let's revisit analogy actually but it's something to help you understand it if you just perform right or give a speech or talk in front of people and you think they love it you think they agree and they think you're smart or they think you're funny whatever it is for you how do you feel you feel nice yeah they love it even if they don't right so if they don't love it if everybody in the crowd hates it but they clap and you interpret that clapped I mean I am good they love it then you feel good it doesn't matter whether they actually love you or not whether they actually think you're great or not if you believe that they think it you feel fine right if your friends come up to you and say you did a great job but underneath that they're thinking oh my god that was terrible if you believe it when they say you're great you feel great right it's not your feelings are not created by their opinion it's created by the opinion in your head the belief in their words right it's somebody if somebody if they all think that you're great right when you perform but you somehow interpret they're clapping to me it wasn't loud enough they would have given me a standing ovation or I didn't see their facial expressions to be excited you can feel bad even if they stay love you and think you're amazing you're not directly impacted emotionally impacted by their opinions you're impacted by the thoughts in your head maybe I'll say that differently I'm not sure that was easy to understand around if you walk if you walk down the street some random stranger who looks like a not a credible source of information comes up to you and says you're terrible at your job how do you feel we probably feel nothing because he doesn't know what job you're in or whether you're good at it or not but if somebody else let's say your boss says you're terrible at your job or your coworker how do you feel well you probably feel bad sad hurt disappointed angry but in both situations you heard the exact same words you were terrible at your job exact same words so if the words themselves impacted you then you would have the exact same emotional impact in both of those scenarios but yet that wouldn't be the case so why not because in one set scenario you didn't believe what the person said and the second scenario you did so the reason why others opinions impact us is when we believe them to be true we feel it and when we don't believe them to be true we don't feel it and the reason why social anxiety is so common in our society right is because no even if you have an incredibly positive self-image you were you still worry about others opinions no matter where they have a negative self-image or a positive self-image you are affected by other's opinions you have a negative self-image you look to others opinions to improve your idea of yourself to go from stupid to smart failure to successful from unhappy to happy from unlikable to likable ugly to beautiful right so you look to others opinions to tell you that you're great at your job to tell you that you're nice to tell you that you're caring right to improve your idea of yourself and if you have a positive self-image right you think you're amazing you think you're wonderful at your job you think you're all these things you have to maintain it it's not real it's not stable it can't be held in your hand and just held on to I know I'm good I know I'm smart I know I'm caring know you believe it I know this is a hand you believe you're smart nice care and good at your job good mother good any of those things so others opinions if they insult you if they break up with you if they reject you if they fire you if they criticize your project and all of a sudden your idea worsens or isn't so so positive whether it cast doubt in the positivity so you have to worry about others opinions to give you an analogy it's like you have us if you have a small house a negative self-image you need the help of others in order to improve it in order to build the house to be bigger so you have to worry about what others are doing and having a positive self-image is like having a big house but you have to worry about others tearing into them both of which create anxiety so if positive self images and negative self images both worry about others opinions what chance do we have of losing our social anxiety are worrying about others opinions well the cause of this issue you could call it the cause of this anxiety is simply a misunderstanding a confusion that the story in our head is who we are right the imaginary idea I am nice I mean I'm caring I'm on keyrings I'll go and try any of those stuff as as who we are as an idea its imagination confusion to illustrate this is a joke that I heard from Seinfeld and off you know Seinfeld is a comedian from New York so I like a man he tells a joke which is what is it it's oh yeah do you know what the number one fear in America is it's the fear of public speaking do you know what the number two fear in America is it's the fear of death that means for the average American if they had to go to a funeral they'd rather be in the casket than giving the eulogy so but it gives you a little bit of an idea of the confusion that we have so I'm going to illustrate why that's the case all right but first let me give you another example if you were in the jungle and a lion was approaching you okay we're attacking you we're running after you or whatever how would you feel what you would feel afraid fear right your heart would be pounding there'll be pressure in your chest you would feel tension in your chest right fear anxiety that responds in your chest now if you had to go speak in public in front of a thousand people or something along those lines what would you feel you would most likely feel the exact same feeling in your chest the feeling of fear the same intensity the same everything for most people that's the case especially the ones who are probably watching this video who has social anxiety so why is that why are we as afraid of a lion or as afraid of people it's opinions people in an audience as we are of a lion attacking us and it simply comes down to one little confusion and that is the story in my head is Who I am so when we're speaking in front of people were afraid of losing the story of ourselves we're afraid of getting hurt so why are we scared of others opinions what is it why are we so scared of it is the most important bit why are we scared and there's three fundamental reasons three okay one when you tell a positive story about yourself you feel pleasure when you tell a negative story about yourself you feel sad depressed ashamed right so where scared of others opinions because when they tell us something positive and we believe it we feel good and when they tell us something negative when we believe it we feel worse about ourselves feel hurt sad depressed etc right so you're scared of others opinions because your happiness is based on others opinions your happiness is based on your own self-image the story in your imagination creates your fundamental happiness right at least the way you've been living it doesn't have to but the way that 99.999% of people live the happiness is based on the self-image in their head so you're scared of others opinions because your happiness is on the line you see that if they tell you you you're terrible and you believe it you're going to have a feeling response feel worse about yourself the second reason why we're afraid of others opinions is because we're afraid of losing who we are let me explain what that means because it's really shocking really shocking so if you have a story I am successful or I let's go with I am successful and then people insult your success and say it means nothing look at that person look at that person you can lose the story I am successful and if you think that's who you are you lose you you say maybe it maybe I'll give you a different example if you're in a job and you think you're an accountant if you lose your job who are you now I was an accountant Who am I now right and where if you think you're a mother and then your kid goes off to college Who am I now no longer a mother I don't have a purpose on Who I am so what happens is we're afraid we believe the story in our head is actually we are I am nice I am caring I am good I'm a good person I'm a liberal I'm a conservative I'm a Christian I'm an atheist I'm on something we think that's really who we are and so we are afraid to lose it like we're afraid of losing our own body you're afraid in the audience when you when you go to speak in front of a thousand people what you're afraid of is losing the story of you if you think you're really knowledgeable I'm someone who's knowledgeable about this topic and then the people in the audience don't agree with you and don't buy into what you're saying all of a sudden maybe I'm not so knowledge well maybe I was wrong all along you lose the story of you and you have the same fear of that as the fear of death right if you think I'm funny if you're a comedian you go up in front of a thousand people to to perform you have an identity I am funny if they don't laugh maybe I'm not so funny and you lose the story of you and we're scared of losing the story of us I have funny we think it is part of who I am so we're afraid of losing that like we're afraid of losing an arm we think it's part of who we are it's the same fear nobody's afraid of death people are afraid of the end of the story of themselves as you hear that you're not afraid of death because you don't even know what death is what you're afraid of is the end of the story of you and that's the same fear that is driving social anxiety you're afraid of the story the end of the story of you the losing of a part of you and others opinions if you hear it enough it will do that right if you think you're smart and then you get fired or someone rejects you or whatever or it disagrees with you or you make a mistake boom there goes up smart if you think you're beautiful and there are few people walking down the street insult you or don't look at you the way they used to or you get broken up with maybe I'm not so beautiful every idea you have in your head no matter how strong or real you think it is it is completely fragile fragile and susceptible to change and you're afraid of that because you think that's who you are did you get that you think it's who you are we'll get into how to how to deal with that later the third reason why we're scared of others opinions is because we go through life with an underlying sense of insufficiency okay we go through life with this underlying sense of lack the sense of something missing the sense of I am not good enough for most people they're not a waiter that it's there you might be disagreeing with me as I speak no I don't have a sense of something missing I feel okay but the thing is is this the reason why most people aren't aware of the sense of something missing the sense of lack is because we never allow ourselves to be by ourselves with no distractions take a look for yourself in every moment you're never with your own thoughts with your own feelings you have to be with friends and work on the internet listening to music watching TV you can never just be by yourself with no distractions most likely some people do right but if you're never by yourself you're not aware of how you feel anytime you feel something's missing which is or sadness or anxiety or anything we immediately try to escape it you don't admit it but the way you can tell that you are operating from a place of there's something insufficient there's something not complete about me is because you go through life constantly looking for something to complete you to make you better self improving I need to improve myself why because you believe something is insufficient about you now right why do you need a partner to complete me why do you need us a promotion to be better about myself why do I need to be productive in every single second because I'm not good enough now if I'm not productive it's a waste of time why is it a waste of time because I'm not good enough now everything you do is based on the fundamental premise the fundamental unconscious assumption that you are insufficient so how does tie-in with social anxiety because you looked up others opinions to make you feel good enough in worthy lovable and whole right we go through like life looking for love and approval to make us feel worthy and lovable and likeable and whole to complete us right but no matter how much love you get no matter how many compliments you get you don't know that you're complete you don't know that you're lovable it's a story in your head I'm lovable people love me but that's not a real that's a story it's a thought it only exists when you tell a story in your head at any moment that your attention is with me on TV on other thoughts there's no love ability that is a thought so now how many positive opinions you get it always feels like there's something missing and you always need confirmation reaffirmation if you're married or in a relationship do you only need them to say I love you once and then you know it to be true you don't know they love you who that's why you keep needing to hear it over and over and over again you want to keep making sure I'm still lovable I'm still okay how do you know it to be true you don't so we look to others opinions to make us feel whole and worthy love them and we're scared of others opinions because if they don't give us the love and approval that I will always be insufficient and unworthy and that's a huge thing so of course you're going to have intense fear anxiety about others opinions does that make sense do you now see why you've had such strong fear about others opinions it's not something silly a little it's a huge thing to our mind so what do you do about it how you get rid of those fears but before we get into how to lose that fear I first want to just explain a few other ways that having a self image creates suffering in your life so when you have a negative self-image right it has you have the pression worry about others opinions you'll always feel the need to be productive because you're trying to get better right you feel ashamed you're judging yourself you judge others you have goals right but as long as you have a goal you're comparing the goal to this moment which means this moment is insufficient and lacking and if you have a goal you believe your happiness is on the line right if you achieve the goal when you'll become complete and whole and happy and if you don't complete the goal or achieve the goal you'll never be happy or at least won't be as happy so there's a lot of fear and anxiety about achieving your goals and if you have a really positive self-image well then you're worried about losing things right so you have to worry about losing your success they have to worry about losing others positive opinions or maintaining them but in addition to that if you think you're smart smarts not real right smart is relative if everyone has the same smartness then you are not smart you aren't normal so therefore in order to believe I am smart I have to judge everybody else to be stupid I know at least a lot of people to be extent in order to think I'm a good person I have to judge others to be a bad person in order to think I'm a good mom I have to judge others to be a bad mom I were to think I'm good at my job I have to judge others to be bad at their job and judging others creates annoyance resentment disappointment hatred and just separation from others we don't feel loved more connected dollars we're constantly judging I put in addition to all of that when you have a positive self-image you still feel lacking you still feel incomplete because you have all these other thoughts that causes suffering and even the positive story about yourself since it's not real it is not satisfying it is not fulfilling right if you imagine a really beautiful house okay really beautiful safe secure house can it give you comfort and security in real life no because it's not real so which I already ideas you tell yourself my life has purpose my life has meaning I am good it's not real you don't actually feel anything in real life you feel that the thoughts that you tell yourself but it's never enough but don't believe me look for yourself right if you feel enough forget this video right but I have never ever come across anyone no matter how positive their self-image is it wasn't suffering I fall into that category I used to have such a positive idea of myself I used to think I was smart cool fun all that stuff and all I did was worry about others opinions and worry about how to make it better that was it and I had incredibly positive stories myself so the reason why I tell you that the reason why I'm explaining all the suffering that comes from having a self-image is simply because the answer for how to be anxiety free in every situation around anyone is simply to recognize that the story in your head the self-image is not real and is not who you are so what we're going to talk about in the rest of the video right is how to lose your self-image how to lose what you have to lose all of it you can just lose you can take it as much as you want take it as far as you want if you only have anxiety in one situation around one particular issue you can question that part of your self-image right if you want to lose all of it you can question every component of your self-image it's completely up to you there's no moral issue here like you should want to get rid of all of it no it doesn't matter it's completely up to you but basically when you lose the self image when you recognize these stories of you aren't who you are all of a sudden you're free all of a sudden there's the sense of lightness sense of peace sense of completeness love connection there's no more suffering at all not just losing social anxiety at all right but don't believe me testing test for yourself try what I'm saying and see what happens don't believe me that I'm free don't believe me that I'm at peace look for yourself try it if it's possible is it worth the effort just to discover this is not about believing anything I say I'm going to give you exercises for you directly discover for yourself that what you thought was you is not real not true not who you are okay so now before I give you the tactics for how to lose bits of your self-image I just want to let you know that you can lose your self-image and still become quickly functional at peace interacting and everything else right after I lost my self-image in one moment in 2009 somewhat by accident right I didn't break down each of the components it's just left in one moment boom when I lost myself I mentioned I was a corporate strategy consultant I was advising c-level executives on how to grow their business right analyzing data using Excel and PowerPoint and research I was still able to do all that without keeping the idea I am successful I am good I am better than others I am smart you don't need that in order to be fully functional and happy and everything in fact all that stuff gets in the wet right so you can lose your self-image too or any part of it that you're interested in and all it takes is an openness and a willingness to ask the questions right so if you want to be free of social anxiety if you want to be at peace what you really want is to stop believing the stories in your head to be you because as long as you believe the stories in your head to be you you're going to fear the worsening or loss of those stories right as long as you believe the stories in your head to be you you're going to fear losing them and you're going to fear the worsening of them or the fear that they'll never improve now we're going to do an exercise where I'm going to give you seven different ways seven different tactics seven different questions exercises to lose pieces of your self-image that you want to lose you can apply it in any way at any time that you want but let's start off with doing the exercise right here right now while watching this youtube video so to start off I want you to answer the question for yourself who are you describe yourself to me describe yourself to someone as if they had no chance of ever meeting you it's a note you're leaving behind when you die who are you so what most people put his things alone a lot oh and I want you to write this down if you can if you're willing if you really want to lose your anxiety you have to put in some time and energy into this you do this is not a quick fix it is a permanent long-lasting complete fix but it is not a quick fix you're going to have to put a little time into it especially right now so pause the video get a notebook get a pen or are you squared in the digital age now so you can open up Microsoft Word or notepad on the side and type up the answer who are you nice mean good person bad person selfish unselfish happy sad stressed comp Republican Democrat liberal conservative single married interesting boring outgoing shy who are you write down whatever you think you are so now if you haven't already posted and written that down pause it now write it down because now we're going to go into the questions so the first question is is so I want you to pick any part write any part of what you wrote down now a part that you want to lose a part that you feel is creating anxiety for you I'm good at my job I'm good mother whatever whatever your social anxiety whatever your social anxiety comes what story are you telling pick that part okay and then look who are you right now you are here right now who are you right now in reality in this world we're in not in your imagination where is your nose here that's my nose but we're a success or failure can you find it can you show it to them where is good mom or bad mom where is good at my job bad at my job where is how going or shy right now you are here right now but where are these qualities if they are not here then they are not you if you can't find them locate them in the real world they only exist in your imagination so where is a tiger right now where as a dragon right now where you look for them in the real world if you can't find them they only exist in your imagination so what's the difference between a dragon and good can you find good anywhere can you find any evidence through your five senses of goodness something good about you something bad about you where show it to me what is the smell what is the shape what is the size what does it feel like there is nothing good or bad about you that is a story in your imagination which as zero evidence in reality in this moment now it's not here it's not you right you can see the knows but is this nose pretty or ugly it does it there is not pretty or ugly it doesn't exist pretty or ugly we tell our imagination it's pretty ugly and then superimpose it onto reality this nose is pretty ugly pretty or ugly exist and imagination knows exists in reality you can find nose but you cannot find pretty ugly so who are you right now whoever you think you are only exists as a thought when you don't tell that story it is not here you may thinking but it was there before well if you ate a slice of pizza yesterday the pizza was right there in front of you but where is it right now it was real maybe right a day ago but it's not real now it's not here it only exists in your imagination and if you are here and it is not here then it is not you okay that makes sense you get that it's about discovering what is real the difference between your imagination you are the second question is are you you in every moment are you you and every moment something is there in every moment something has been there in every moment of your life you you have always been there right in the midst of happiness and sadness you're there in the midst of both and then it's about going and shy you're there in the midst of both in the midst of caring and uncaring good not bad mom good a job at a job you're there in the midst of both so who are you if you think I'm a happy person or maybe you think you're an anxious person a stressed out person but in some moments are you not stressed out of course so do you disappear at those moments are you no longer you when you're not stressed no you are still you you are still there you still exist so if you are there whether you're stressed or not then you can't be a stressed person that is it that is an experience that you are aware of and one moment you are aware of stress and one moment you are calm but if you are aware of it is it's not you if it comes and goes it is not you because you are here in every moment right you are here in every moment so whatever comes and goes can't be you sometimes you're out going sometimes you're shy well then you aren't either in some moments there's more or less outgoingness right but you were there it's the both you can't be anything that changes because you are always there you are always there in other words something is always there that never changes when you were five you were you when you were ten you were you so who is that qualities were different personality was different who are you what remains the same as things change the third question is can you think of a few reasons or examples as to why the opposite might be true you see what happens is our idea of ourselves is based on selective memory selective interpretation and perspective so if your identity is I am a good mother you forget all the bad moments you just picked the good ones you see you go when you prove to yourself I have a good mother you think of this moment in that moment in that moment when you are good but without the other moments can you think of some other moments when you were the opposite if you think you're a terrible mother can you think of some moments that you are a good one if you think your stress can you think of a few moments that you weren't so how do you know your that instead of that if you think you're caring can you think of moments that you weren't so how do you know you're caring or uncaring if there were some moments when you were both right but it's also based on your interpretation you see because maybe you did something really nice really will acted unselfishly you gave something to someone you give your time to someone you think that makes me nice that makes me good but why did you do it maybe maybe you did it just to improve your idea of yourself just to think of yourself as a good person well then is it selfish or not caring or not you see or maybe you look at an event let's say you failed in something an exam right or you got fired and you tell yourself I am bad I am a failure but is it possible to interpret in a different way as if I failed because something was going on in my life at that time or because the teacher wasn't you know a lot of people fail and the teacher wasn't that good or whatever or I can think of examples when I didn't fail so am i a failure think of a few examples as to how the opposite could be true and you'll discover you don't know which one you are because there are always plenty of examples or plenty of interpretations or plenty of memories that you can find as to when the opposite was true for anything on your piece of paper on your computer for the things that you think are who you are the fourth question is could somebody else think the opposite so you think you were a success could somebody else think you're a failure you think you're nice good someone else think you're mean you think you're good at your job kids only think you're bad you think you're interesting could someone think you're completely uninteresting any idea you have about who you are somebody else could think the exact opposite you think you're ugly someone could think you're beautiful you think you're boring someone could think you're so interesting you think your life is a mess someone could think it's completely under control whatever you think someone could think the opposite so how do you know your perspective is somehow true it's like going to a movie and saying that movie sucked and then when someone says it's good you say well you must be crazy because it's sucked no that's your perspective it's not actually the movie the movie didn't suck your idea in your head said it's up or instead you could go to the movie and say come out of it and say I don't really enjoy that I when someone says I really did enjoy you say huh look I guess we have different perspective the movie wasn't good or bad we just each relate to it differently so you think you are pretty or ugly nice something but you are not everyone will have a different perspective on what you are a different story of who you are none of which is actually you just because I think the movie is boring doesn't mean it is just cuz I think the movie is funny doesn't mean it is the movie is separate from the perspective the fifth question is were you you before you had whatever you think you are now so if you think you're a stressed person or you you before you had stress were you you before you were a mom were you you before you were an accountant were you before you were a helper were you before you were something whatever you think you are there was most likely a time when you were not that before you got it so were you not you before that you think this is now you but you were you before that there's something that's there that was you before that during it and afterwards if you lose your job are you no longer you you stop being a mom are you no longer you if you lose your stress are you no longer you the story of you has changed yes but you are not different you see if you think you're a lawyer because you're doing this all day no that's just how your hands are moving you are not a lawyer you think you change if you do this become a customer service representative whether you're doing this for this your hands are moving you don't change based on how your hands are moving your job changes but not you you see the difference if you lost who you think you are would you still be used yes you would of course you aren't they're in the midst of everything the sixth question is who is aware of the story of you so when I asked you who are you you go into your little imagination and you say well I am nice I am boring I am shy I'm stressed I'm a liberal I'm a well-traveled person I am all this stuff but you're looking at that story you're looking at it say I am this but you're looking at the thoughts that are telling you who you are you're looking at these pictures in your imagination who are telling you who you are you're looking at these memories write these stories but you're looking at it so if you're looking at the story then the story can't be you that makes sense if you are looking at the story the story can't be you if I'm looking at a picture I am not the picture I'm the one looking at it so if you're looking at the story oh I see a memory of when I was dressed nice mother job is that I'm looking at it it's not me so who are you if you are looking at the story the story is not you the seventh question for how to lose a piece of yourself image is are you to blame for whatever good or bad you think you are so if you think you're successful how did that happen if it wasn't up to you or you in control over that where you think you're a failure were you in control of where you are born were you in control of who your parents were and how they raised you were you in control of your early life experiences what teachers you're at with society talk to of course not you weren't in control over any of that were you are you in control over your intellect your memory any of that to take credit for your intellect instead it is like if you have a a competition of cutting down a tree let's say I don't know why that's the example that came to me but each one is given a chainsaw each one are given a chainsaw and each one is different quality chainsaw if you cut down your tree the fastest because your check your chainsaw is ten times better than the other ones are you going to take credit for you winning the competition no because someone just gave you the chainsaw you didn't you didn't create the chainsaw so if your intellect is sharper than somebody else's doesn't mean you are better you just have a tool and a sharper at your disposal right but you didn't create the intellect it was given to you or why do we pursue certain things if we pursue success if we pursue this pursue that why do we pursue what we pursue because someone taught us that will make us happen or we just liked it but why did you pursue it you don't know if 10 songs come on the radio in a row you would like one more than the other each one you'll have a different feeling about why why did you like this one instead of that one it's not up to you you didn't control that how much effort you put into something is that up to you what you put effort into is based on what you value right when we value our happiness more than anything else so we put time into what we enjoy or what we think will make us happy and we don't put time into it doesn't make us happier we don't think can make us happy but most people aren't aware that achieving their goals can't get rid of the thoughts in their head right so can't make them happy and most people are aware when they're procrastinating or not doing something they're really avoiding the thoughts that pop up when you do it when you do that thing you're procrastinating doing so we don't even control the effort that we put forth but on top of that if you if ten people put an hour or ten hours towards studying for an interview some people will get in some people won't doesn't matter what effort you put in or or ten hours towards an exam it does matter what effort you put in but that doesn't determine the outcome if ten people put in a hundred hours towards golf each one's going to end up with a different level of skill if you put in a hundred hours towards an exam each one's going to get a different score it's not up to you we don't control the outcome of our effort we don't control what we pursue we don't control how much time we put into it any of that sort of stuff you see where if you were meaning in a given moment why were you mean you think I mean I did it but you didn't pick my thoughts into your head and you didn't choose to believe them you automatically believed them and operated on it you weren't even aware of what thoughts popped up in your head or aware of what you were doing if you had a choice being nice or mean you're just nice because it's much more enjoyable if you had a choice of what thoughts pop up in your head you'd never put connect put the negative ones there if you had a choice of how you feel you would always feel happy and never feel sad so you constantly blame yourself for how you feel and how you act as if you were in control so if you think you're a stressed person you think I am making myself stressed but you are not it just happened you were trained to pursue happiness from others opinions and by improving the imaginary story of you so that's how you pursue happiness you didn't decide that you didn't make that happen nobody probably ever taught you that the story of you is imaginary and that you don't have to be impacted by others opinions because it all comes from believing stories in your head so how are you to blame for your anxiety when you didn't control any of the factors that created your insight you see nothing means anything about us but we recognize we're not in control we didn't do it we're not to blame for it if you look outside and you see a car accident you don't feel bad about it because you didn't create it you're not in control over how the cars move the same is true when things happen to you if you fail it's not your fault you did your best and you don't control the outcome if you have anxiety you didn't control the outcome and if something works out you didn't do it I didn't get get rid of my thoughts I didn't get rid of my self-image it just happened if I take credit for that that I'm going to judge others weren't able to achieve it but Shiva said is a better thing so that's it for the seven ways there's many other ways but I'm only going to speak about seven here because you know this video has probably already been like an hour more or less so I hope you enjoyed the video and more importantly I hope it had an impact on you I'm sure that it helped you to see what's creating your anxiety but your the impact that you get from it moving forward in your life right the the relief of social anxiety the relief of all the suffering created by having your self-image will only happen if you really want it really open you really put time into questioning it when you have anxiety or even when you have pleasure from someone's positive opinion question am I to blame could the opposite be true question I'm telling you that the freedom that can come with a freedom that does come if you're able to lose the ideas of yourself or recognize they are not you it is unbelievable I mean it is it's ridiculous I mean that the freedom the peace the wholeness the love that is possible is is is beyond measure it really is I mean don't believe me though and you can look at my face and see it probably but still don't believe it try it you've tried other things and it failed try this try questioning who you are and see what the results are and then take it from there so I'd love to hear from you please if you have a question about this video if you have something you're unsure about or something there's probably things in this video that brought up stuff oh if I do that then this will happen and next like this or that's like that bring it up and say it in the comments because I'm sure that thought popped up for you that thought pops up for others and I'd love to address it so that other people when they watch this video can look in the comments and see that their issue or complaint our problem was resolved okay and you can also share with me if you liked it and it was helpful it's up to you alright so thank you for watching I know it was long I hope you got what you were looking for and I'll see you around bye hello again if you found my video helpful or you enjoyed it I welcome you to click on one of the videos below as you might find them helpful as well or if you want to make sure you never miss another video of mine again you can click the subscribe button over there and if you want my free ebook you're welcome to click the free ebook button over there so thanks again for watching and I'll see you around bye

Channel: Noah Elkrief

Views: 1,328,216

Rating: 4.8190565 out of 5

Keywords: noah elkrief, Social Anxiety, how to, Mental Illness (Disease Or Medical Condition), noahelkrief, Social Anxiety Disorder (Disease Or Medical Condition), Health (Industry), Stress, Anxiety (Symptom), fear, Social Anxiety Disorder (Phobia), self-help, Stress (Quotation Subject), Psychology (Field Of Study), Depression (Disease Or Medical Condition), health, anxiety, depression, Stress Management (Field Of Study), anxiety relief, how to deal with anxiety

Id: qQ-D-8aCRR4

Length: 55min 45sec (3345 seconds)

Published: Fri Aug 22 2014