If a gang of Russian mobsters kidnapped you and
your friends so they could broadcast your slow and painful torture online, what would you do?
Turns out we crossed the wrong group of guys, and they’re not gonna rest until we learn our
lesson. Oh, and just to make things worse, our idiot friends had to drag us halfway across
the globe to do an escape room, so we’ll be completely trapped in a foreign environment while
a band of violent criminals hunts down like dogs. Good thing we’re planning on live streaming
our current location the entire time.
I’m going to break down the mistakes
made, what you should do, and how to beat the Russian Mafia in NO ESCAPE.
Cole is an influencer, the insufferable kind, so basically just an influencer. The brunt of his
content pretty much revolves around him reacting to his own crazy experiences while low-key flexing
his immense wealth on his audience of mindless bug people, and this current endeavor is no exception.
This time around, they’re heading to Moscow to partake in some super high-end escape room, but
of course, not before getting chocolate wasted out on the town with their well-connected and even
wealthier friend Alexei, who’s joined the party as their spiritual guide to all things Ruski.
Eventually, things start heating up when some of the local wildlife takes a liking to Cole’s
special lady friend, Erin, forcing Cole to pry himself from his two biggest fans and act like a
man for a few seconds, only things don’t really go his way. And Alexei’s world class de-escalation
skills don’t help the situation either.
Nice one, dude. You brought an embarrassingly
small knife to a gunfight. Lucky for us, Igor and Igor showed up to take out the trash before
baldie clacked off an international incident.
This whole debacle is a great example of knowing
when to commit to violence. Erin was actively being assaulted at that point and Cole starts
pulling her away by the arm like a stolen teddy bear. If you’re going to do anything at all in
this situation, blast that sucker behind the ear with an overhand right and then light the
other one up while his hands are full. Anyone with eyes could see that these guys had already
launched an unprovoked attack, so approaching them with anything less than Doom Slayer energy will
only result in your dumbA getting choke slammed, which is exactly what happened.
Of course, things never should have gotten this bad in the first place, because Alexei’s
bodyguards should have already been in the room GUARDING OUR BODIES. Why on earth would you
keep them out of sight in a place like this, especially when it’s frequented by the kind
of people that would try kidnapping random women in front of God and everybody.
Speaking of which, those two nutjobs clearly aren’t over this as evidenced by the obscene
gesture Igor number 3 makes on his way out. Yeah, something tells me that’s not the Russian
symbol for peace and forgiveness. Oh, yeah, he also tells us all we’re screwed in English,
so that’s a pretty good indication.
Anyway, why let a couple bad beets spoil the
whole borscht. After all, Moscow’s a huge city, so what are the odds we’ll run into them
again? Well, here’s the thing. Cole, ya know the guy who’s so famous a couple random
Russian chicks sniffed him out immediately, is planning to live stream their go at the escape
room tomorrow night, meaning anyone who knows who he is and how to watch will know exactly where to
find him, and when he’ll be going in and out.
Now, ordinarily this wouldn’t be that big of a
deal. After all, it’s just a couple random, wasted low lives who’ll probably abandon their mission
of revenge once the hangover sets in, but even Alexei is afraid of these guys, and it’s implied
that he pretty much owns the cops. Meanwhile, he tried talking Cole out of intervening as they
were forcing themselves on his girlfriend.
I’m not saying we ought to bag this entire op and
flee back to Burgerland where they can’t get us, but how about we just record this one and air
it simu-live after the fact. It’s not like anyone would be able to tell the difference,
and it’ll help ensure no one can monitor our location in real time. Either way, we should
have Alexei tell his goons to bring more than just a couple crappy Makarov’s in case things
get crazy. We all know the bad guys will.
The following night, Cole and company get
chauffeured out to a nondescript warehouse out in the industrial district, basically the
perfect place to make five obnoxious tourists vanish off the face of the earth. Yeah, live
stream or no, I’m sending my location to a few loved ones stateside and establishing a check
in time, just in case the Russian version of an escape room involves organ harvesting.
Before going in, Alexei sets the mood with some final words of encouragement. Having
experienced this operation firsthand, he assures everyone that no matter how insane
things get after walking through the front door, they’ll never actually be in any real danger,
and while we haven’t seen or heard anything that would make us doubt this notion, how many people
have died doing something “pErFeCtLy SaFe?” Yet another reason why forking over our cell phone
to set up the live stream is a bad idea. Just send us the .mp4 when this is over, and we’ll
figure it out. No way I’m giving up my comms, GPS, mobile banking, flashlight, translator,
and Raid: Shadow Legends in some far-off foreign odd-scape filled with bears and mobsters.
Once inside, Team USA gets a brief rundown of the situation before a couple more
Igor’s in gulag cosplay bag them up and bring them to their starting positions.
The instructions are fairly straight forward, Cole will have to rescue his friends one by
one before the time runs out or they’ll all be executed. No reason to ask what that entails,
right? Nah, the only thing Cole’s concerned about is where to find the nearest camera
so he can phone in more wild reactions.
Let the games begin.
Right off the bat, it’s pretty obvious this is not your typical escape room.
Most apparent is the lack of a clearly marked emergency exit, which while par for the
course in the stateside equivalent, might only be considered “optional” over here. The door
leading back to the starting area is also locked, so we’re genuinely at the mercy of the organizers
unless we can find a way out on our own. I’m sure this is usually the part where they mention
the $250,000 price tag on this thing.
That said, this first room seems
pretty straightforward. Locked door, dude on a slab, X marks the spot. Not sure
what the piles of clothes are all about, but they could very well just be a red herring
meant to run down the clock. Regardless, we don’t exactly need Jigsaw to talk us through
this one. Just grab one of the generously provided cutting instruments and get to work.
Of course, if you’re like Cole, you’ll probably want to make sure you’re not about to carve up
a living person. Slashing the carotid artery ought to take care of that. Okay, all right,
I guess you could also listen for a heartbeat and/or place your hand over his nose to feel for
breathing. Realistically, this has to be a very *ahem* very realistic dummy, that is
unless Russian law surrounding organ donations prioritizes tourists traps over actual
recipients. Still, if you’re concerned at all about slicing into the real thing, just make
a small cut on the arm and smell the blood. As long as it doesn’t have that characteristic
metallic smell, you should be good to go.
Obviously, Cole sees right through this thinly
veiled gross-out ploy and dives right in, and sure enough the key is right where
it’s supposed to be. Awesome. One down, who knows how many to go. Probably a good
reason to head straight to the next area instead of wasting time chatting up your
friends about the set dressing. Fortunately for Thomas and Dash, the next challenge
is just as simple as the first. Here’s Cole breaking it down for his audience
of eight year olds and imbeciles:
And yet you’re standing around doing nothing
while your friends bemoan their rapidly dwindling lifespans. I mean, is it just me, or do these
torture devices seem like actual torture devices. The spikes on that Iron Maiden look dangerously
sharp, even if they’re just made of plastic, and Thomas is outright telling you he’s in
pain as that rack gets tighter and tighter. In that case, might want to get a move
on before you lose monetization.
The good news is that it’s just basic trial
and error, complete with audio cues to let us know whether we’re putting each gear in the right
place. Only strat for this one is working faster, but with as much time as Cole wasted going in,
just about anyone else could have done this all blindfolded. Now that I think about
it, maybe the reason they claim this is all perfectly safe is because they’ve never
had a client as stupid as Cole before.
Oh, well, onto the next one, and what a
surprise, another stumper. All we have to do is move the cursor through the maze and we’re
done, with an interesting penalty for error.
Shocking.
Yeah, at this point, I think it’s safe to say they lied about the danger level
of this thing. It’s possible they were planning to hit the e-stop before Thomas and Dash were both
eviscerated, but in this case, Sam is actively being tortured. That said, I still don’t think
we’re actually getting SAW’d right now. Yes, the stakes are freaking bonkers, but these are the
same people who invented slap boxing for Christ’s sake. I can only imagine this kind of equipment
is standard issue on any Russian playground.
And then there’s the puzzles. You’d think if they
were trying to kill us, they’d at least make them somewhat difficult to piece together, but I mean,
just look at this bullcrap. It’s the kind of maze you’d find on the back of a cereal box. The
only difficult part is not touching the sides, which could be easily overcome by carefully
guiding the thing with both hands. Seriously, dude it’s like you’re trying to shock her.
Nah, this whole thing just doesn’t add up. They let us live stream everything right up to
the start, including all their faces and the outside of the building. Why would they
do that if they were planning to kill us, which is exactly what we’re led to believe
would happen if we didn’t act quickly.
Either way, we should try pulling the plug
before things get any worse. Best case scenario, they stop everything immediately and
let us off the hook. Only problem is, they never actually told us we could call
it quits whenever we want. In that case, we should try and force their hand in the matter,
and the only way I can really see to do that would be by faking some kind of medical emergency.
To that end, I’d have Sam collapse and fake a heart attack since she just had the absolute PO
shocked out of her. If there’s any legitimacy to this outfit at all, they’ll cut the act
immediately and rush to her aid. Otherwise, well, at least we’ll know the
totality of how screwed we are.
And speaking of screwed, this next stage
really kicks things up a notch.
Chill out, dude, she’s obviously
fine. Not for long, though.
Fortunately, we’re looking at yet another
life-threatening situation with a painfully simple solution. This time it’s nothing more
than a fifth-grade level logic problem. So, yeah, she’s basically screwed.
Nah, I’m kidding, they’re not that stupid. Well, not Thomas at least. All we have to do is measure
out four liters of water using two jugs marked at five and three liters respectively. Now,
before we continue, go ahead and solve this one down in the comments, that way we
can all have a good laugh at your expense if you somehow manage to get it wrong.
Okay, pencils down folks. As Thomas points out, we just need to use the five-liter jug to fill the
three-liter jug, thus leaving the former with only two liters remaining. From there, we dump out
the three liter and pour in the remaining two, thereby leaving a single liter of empty
space in the three-liter jug. All that’s left to do now is fill up the fiver and use
it to top off the three, thereby leaving us with exactly four liters. Piece of cake.
However, this is where the latest phase deviates from the others, as solving the puzzle only opens
the cell, without actually shutting off the water hazard. That said, it appears to be by design,
as the organizers left us some step ladders we can use to reach the top of the tank. Problem is
the valve handles sealing the hatch are supposedly rusted shut. Although if I had to guess, it
probably has more to do with the fact you morons are turning it to the right! Like, I get
there are plenty of things out there using left hand threads, but maybe at least try the standard
approach first before going the other way.
Ultimately, Cole makes the executive
decision to the end whole thing here and now, but neither Alexei nor the organizers respond over
the intercom, so, yeah, not good. At this point, anyone that still has their cell phone should
dial 101 and get EMS on the way, or at least try to. None of us actually speak Russian, and with
only around 11% of Russians speaking English, Erin will probably be blue by the time they send
someone to help us out. Of course, as fast as that thing is filling up, there’s literally zero chance
someone would be able to make it here in time anyway, so no matter what, we’re going to have
to be our own first responders right now.
In that case, I’m grabbing one of those heavy
metal gears we used back in the second room and smashing the crap out of the pipe feeding into the
box. At least if there’s no more water flowing in, we’ll have more time to work on the hatch. At
the same time, if I’m Erin in this situation, the very first thing I would have done upon
seeing the water run in is ball up my shirt to try and jam up the waterworks.
Unfortunately, by the time Cole figures this out, it seems Erin’s already
swimming with the fishes.
Oh, never mind, turns out she’s okay.
Well, thank God for that, because there’s no way any of these bozos knew what the to
do next. Heck, Sam wanted Cole to start CPR without even checking her vitals. Also, according
to WebMD, it’s just chest compressions for adults, and naturally that’s only after you’ve
established they don’t have a pulse.
Anyway, getting back to the matter at hand, now
that we’ve solved all the puzzles and recovered the last of our friends, we can use the key
Erin was holding to let ourselves out and end this nightmare, that is of course, after we’ve
savagely mashed Alexei’s head to a quivering pulp with one of those giant gears.
Sadly, we may never get that chance, as the entire operation seemingly flew the coop
before we made it out, although by the looks of it, they didn’t get far.
Aw, man, how did he find us?
That certainly explains why Alexei and them
quit responding all of a sudden. Oh, well, none of that matters now that we’re all definitely
going to die. Not only are they taking us to a second location, we’ve already seen their faces,
AND they have a bone to pick with us. Besides, they already smoked Viktoria and both our
Igor’s. No sense in stopping now.
Of course, there’s also the slim possibility
this is still just a part of the escape room. Think about it. One of the last things Alexei said
to us was that no matter how real it gets, it’s only a game. Yes, I know, so is Russian Roulette,
but given everything we’ve been through so far, is it really out of the question that they
might fake an execution or two to keep us on edge? Just take Viktoria’s death for example.
That looked fake as heck. Only problem is I can’t tell whether it was supposed to be that
bad, or if the studio simply blew the entire budget on anatomically correct dummies.
Obviously, we shouldn’t jump to that conclusion while our lives might be at stake, but it would
certainly explain why Big Igor had his goons place us in an easily escapable jail cell and
then leave us alone immediately. I mean, just look at these handcuffs, for Christ’s sake. You
mean to tell me these dudes can afford G-wagons and automatic weapons, but they couldn’t scrounge
up an actual pair of modern handcuffs. Heck, even zipties would have worked better. At least then
he couldn’t have just bashed them against the bedframe a few times to cut himself loose.
Oh, and then there’s the totally secure grate covering the perfectly man-sized ventilation
shaft, and what do you know, it’s not even bolted in place. Again, it’s far from the worst
we’ve seen on this channel in terms of villain stupidity, so this really might be the best
they got, but if someone was going to fake a hostage situation to make some brain dead
TikToker feel like an action star, what exactly would they be doing differently right now?
Okay, rant over. All we know for sure is that we have a way out, so we should definitely be taking
it. Cole is at least smart enough to put that one together. Unfortunately for him, the ducts run
right alongside the set his hosts are using to film a live stream of their own.
Well, say goodbye to your piano career.
Yeah, it turns out these guys heard about all
those dark web Red Rooms that don’t actually exist and thought it sounded like a solid business plan.
They’re not just going to murder these morons; they’re going to monetize the mayhem by airing it
live for an audience of blood thirsty psychopaths with access to daddy’s credit card. Although, if
that’s the case I gotta wonder why they’d totally blue ball all their paying customers by blocking
the camera during the best part, ya know the splatter of blood and sinew, and pieces of bone,
not to mention the mix of horror and agony on the mark’s face as he’s violently disassembled.
Come to think of it, they did the same thing with Sam’s execution when we were still back
in the jail cell. What, are you streaming this on YouTube? There’s no way in heck I’d be
shelling out for such garbage cinematography. At least throw on a GoPro or something, come on!
Also, why wasn’t there a camera back in Cole’s cell? You went through the trouble of setting
up a TV so he could watch it all. Why not spin that into a reaction video: “ANNOYING DOUCHE
REACTS?” Dude is the main attraction after all, so I’m sure people would love to watch him
emotionally disintegrate at the sight of friends and loved ones leaving piece by piece.
This is an absolute failure to capitalize on killer content, much like how the Big Bad’s
henchmen completely fail at basic room clearing. All you have to do is keep one man back to cover
the left side of the barrier, while the other man sweeps wide around the right side. This way
the target can’t simply run the okiedokie on your butts until he inevitably finds something
he can use as a distraction. I know, I know, this doesn’t prove anything, but God, it all just
seems a little too easy, don’t you think?
Now, for the next obstacle, Cole has to make it
past this big red door, which just so happens to have the same Ruski writing on it as the note
the chauffeur passed him earlier that day, and would you look at that, he gave him the
door code. Yeah, that’s super helpful and all, but why not also leave a warning on the note
so he never even has to use the code in the first place. And I don’t mean your typical secret
helper bullcrap like “you’re in danger.” Literally write this down verbatim, “The escape room is a
trap. You’re going to be kidnapped by the mob. Leave while you can.” Clearly, he knew this
was all going to happen, or he wouldn’t have left him the door code to begin with.
Oh, well, I guess now’s our chance to ask him about it since he’s conveniently waiting for
us on the other side of the door.
Wha… who do you think? Ugh, ya know what,
never mind. Just shut up and take the car keys before you find out the hard way.
Real or not, this is 100% our best shot at escaping this nightmare.
Bro, screw your friends. As far as you know, two of them are already dead, and the other two
are well on their way. Besides, these guys have guns, numbers, and power tools, along with a
proven willingness to take human lives. You have literally none of these things. Take
the keys, drive like heck, find a phone, dial +7 (495) 728-5000 to reach the US Embassy
in Russia, pray you can get an emergency passport made within a few hours, leave the horrible place
forever, and buy a new entourage stateside. Let the state department hand this mess, and
by that, I mean ignore it completely.
Nah, let’s face it. We all know Cole’s
going back in there. All we can do now is hope there’s anyone left to save. And
sure enough, it’s not long before he finds Thomas curled up inside another one of the
cells, only there’s a problem. Somewhere along the way Velma lost his glasses, leaving him
functionally blind to the point Cole will have to guide him by the hand the rest of the way.
Yeah, that’s a negative, dude. If this is legit, it’s nothing short of a miracle we were
even able to make it this far by ourselves, and now we’re supposed to babysit this guy
too? Forget it. Dude’s going to stumble on literally everything between here and the exit
and give away our position, which he does almost immediately. I’m not suggesting we simply leave
him where we found him, but why not sit him down somewhere out of sight while we try and bring
back help. Under the drainage grate seems like a pretty good option provided he can keep his
mouth shut. And if we don’t make it out, well, then he probably wasn’t getting out anyway.
Of course, had we taken this approach, he couldn’t have totally saved our life
with this noble sacrifice play.
Dude. This stuff’s totally fake, as in,
we’re still in the escape room.
Not because Igor ran at us while shooting like an
absolute mutant—we’ve seen that plenty of times out of actual horror villains—and not because
Thomas could suddenly see well enough to shove us out of the way with impeccable timing. It’s fake
because this guy had us dead to rights, trapped down a narrow passage with no way out, and he
chose to unnecessarily end his own life by running in to tackle us over the edge. Like it didn’t
matter whether he hit Cole or Thomas. There’s no way he could have possibly stopped himself in
time to avoid falling down the elevator shaft, something he wouldn’t have been concerned about if
he knew there was a stunt cushion down there.
I mean, are we really supposed to believe butcher
bro was so dedicated to his job he’d throw his life away for no reason when he could have
casually walked up and shot us both to death. Oh, and it turns out that revolver he was using was
only loaded with the three rounds of ammunition he expended in the process. How convenient. I
guess the Russian mafia is really tightening the belt these days. We should absolutely pop the
cylinder and examine the shell casings to see if they’re crimped like blanks. That would pretty
much seal the deal, as far as I’m concerned.
That said, if you’re still not convinced,
then get a load of this.
Wow, if it isn’t another execution with someone’s
back obstructing the view. I guess now we know why they did the same thing with Sam and Dash.
Still, that’s not what I’m talking about here. As you can clearly see, Alexei is not only
still alive, he’s also running this crapshow, which means he either killed his girlfriend
and two of his goons just to screw with us, or they’re all still alive, and that whole
thing was just meant to scare us, ya know, more than a gang of heavily armed criminals
holding us at gunpoint already would. Sure, on one hand, I could totally see the
former being true because Russian Mob, but I think it’s more likely door number two.
All this aside, I’ve definitely been wrong before, so we shouldn’t just go tap dancing around the
corner expecting a hug and not a bullet. Instead, we’ll want to test this out somehow, and I
think my previous strat of staging a medical emergency would still be our best bet. If we are
being pranked, I think it’s safe to assume it’s all still being filmed, meaning they’ve probably
wired this place up with far more cameras than we realize. In that case, I’d look for an area
where no one should otherwise be able to see us and attempt to fake a grand mal seizure by
collapsing to the ground and thrashing with all my strength for as long as I could keep
it up. If they have any intention of keeping us safe as Alexei previously stated, they’ll
almost certainly intervene, even if it’s just to stop everything and call an ambulance.
Of course, if it is true that we’re all still in the matrix, it means basically everyone else
but Cole was in on the joke, including Sam, Dash, and Thomas. And judging by all her
extremely fresh and seemingly deep facial wounds that aren’t bleeding profusely for
some reason, I’d say Erin is too.
Yeah, she’s in on it. God dang, dude, what did
you do to all your friends to make them hate you this much. Hmm, on second thought, the list
of what he didn’t do is probably shorter.
Also, if this were actually legit, it would have
been a better idea to rush the bad guy and attempt to take control of his firearm than go fumbling
for loose rounds with all the adrenaline coursing through your veins. It’s probably not going
to happen, at least not before he recovers, and as Cole found out the hard way, what
if the one round you barely manage to feed in in time doesn’t do the job?
Oh, well, good thing it doesn’t matter, because Erin’s definitely still alive, and
much like when he first arrived in this pit, once again the good squad arrives to place
Cole in yet another easily escapable situation, only this time, they’re definitely going to wish
they’d made things a little harder for him. Turns out Alexei was waiting on our hero to reach this
point since the big reveal of his survival, and now here he is, all alone, armed with nothing but
Cole’s cell phone. It’s almost too perfect.
Yeah, saw that coming. Question is why didn’t
Alexei? I mean, he knew Cole bought this whole thing hook, line, and sinker. Obviously, he
was going to beat the living crap out of him given the opportunity. Seriously, all he had
to do here was keep the Igor’s by his side, and the mother of all awkward turtle
events could have been avoided.
Oh, great, you’re all here. Now, each and everyone
one of you can line up to get the exact same makeover Alexei just got. No, for real, even if
Cole could have potentially seen this coming, the fact that they all went to such extraordinary
lengths to psychologically torment him, literally to the point where he’d be made to think his
own ineptitude got his girlfriend executed, is so profoundly screwed up. At least make sure
you’re standing next to Alexei when he shows up, so you don’t trick the poor idiot
into throwing his life away.
The good news is that at least Cole can
say he legitimately feared for his life in this situation. How far that will get him
after brutally killing a Russian millionaire, however, is anyone’s guess.
Probably not far though.
In the end, only Alexei wound up dying. However,
had Cole paid closer attention to the outright absurdity of what was going on around him
during the later stages of the escape room, he might have seen this twist coming in time
to keep from splattering the fool. That said, a far more reliable means of preventing this
would be if the pranksters had thought to leave even a single bodyguard or one of the friend
group with Alexei at the finish line.
For that reason, I think
NO ESCAPE was Beaten.
Moral of the story, know when
to let them off the hook.
