If you and your annoying coworkers found
yourselves hunted by masked hypocrites using the weapons you mass produce to seek
revenge against you, what would you do?
This team of miscreants has arrived in
eastern Europe to attend a totally optional, not at all mandatory team building retreat for the
arms manufacturer they work for. Unfortunately, they get stranded by an angry bus driver just
inside the territory of an armed militia with a grudge against their company. If they want to
make it out alive, they’re going to have to work together to endure the mines, traps, and bullets
of their assailants…as well as the awkward, creepy, sycophantic fumblings of their boss.
I’m going to break down the mistakes made, what you should do, and how to beat
the MASKED MILITIA in SEVERANCE.
A fat strong American lumbers after two
blondes in the forest. They look terrified, and doubly so when the ground suddenly collapses
beneath them, trapping them in a deep pit.
Well, we know the American
didn’t dig that himself.
Dude pauses just long enough at the top of the
hole to hear the girls beg for help – turns out they were ALL running…from someone else.
He apologizes and continues trucking…
Keep up those steps, big guy, you’re doing great.
Back in the pit, the girls crank this baby up to
PG13 as they strip trying to cobble together a ladder using their clothing and a stick. Turns
out their jeans and crop top coats just didn’t provide enough fabric.
I love this movie.
But no, your elastic triple D bra isn’t going
to help here and you don’t need it anyway.
Use that stick to dig handholds out of the
dirt this pit is made of and get outta there
Back with our American friend, he steps on a
trip wire and gets hog snared…He’s too winded to fight when an unseen assailant
guts him with a hunting knife.
At least you don’t have to jog anymore.
We cut to a rented tour bus absolutely mad ladding it through the Eastern European countryside. It
contains all the best people – office workers for the world’s leading arms dealer Palisades Defense.
They’re from the London office, and already sick of watching a commercial from their Elon Musk-like
overlord George played on repeat on the bus tv.
This team was hand picked for their
masterful archetypes. We have:
Richard, the brown nosing manager.
Billy, Richard’s twofer executive assistant.
Steve, the resident idiot, who’s ordering
himself a Balkan beauty with his impeccable mountain bus wifi, smoking in the bathroom
AND getting lit up on Mario’s mushrooms.
The hot coworker Maggie, who’s pretending
to work. Or even worse, actually working.
Gordon, the brown noser’s brown noser.
Jill, the resident social justice warrior
And Harris, the character who
definitely quiet quit six months ago.
Apparently, they’re on a crusade to spread
the gospel of the AR-15 to Eastern Europe…
Suddenly, the driver brings the bus to a
screeching halt. There’s a downed tree in the road. Richard commands the driver to take an
alternate route down what looks like a dirt road.
How ‘bout NO. You’re in the vehicle
equivalent of a train car with stripped suspension. It can barely do THIS road well.
Even the driver’s immediate answer is no – he’s heard “bad things” about that route. Richard
tries to put his foot down…but all that does is inspire the driver to unload all their stuff
and leave them in the middle of BFE nowhere.
This dude has ZERO chill. We all know none of
these people speak his language…but he doesn’t even try to tell them WHY the route they
want to take is dangerous. Maybe telling him several other busloads of people have gone
missing would help change Richard’s mind.
Or, how about you use the “road that will not
be named” to turn the bus around and go back down the mountain to an alternate route,
if this is such a problem for you? Look, I try not to dabble in stereotypes…but
maybe you shoulda gone for the bribe instead of relying on Richard’s level
one charisma to see us through this.
Billy tries to convince Richard that the distance
to the lodge they’re trying to reach is WAY farther than it appears on a map.
Bruh, seriously?
We’ve ALL had a terrible boss like Richard.
AND we’ve all wanted to abandon them in the woods. Now’s your chance, Billy! Run!
Annnd…the bus driver leaves them there. I don’t want to make blanket statements
about other countries…but I feel like most places frown on abandoning tourists in
the woods. Not a good look on TripAdvisor.
Now alone, they hear a strange
sound coming from the forest.
Maybe Winnie the Pooh’s on holiday from
murdering teens in the 100 Acre Wood.
Not when they’re packing what
Palisades Defense is selling, which is more than I can say for these coworkers
- despite working for one of the world’s largest arms dealers NONE of them brought weapons
of any kind. Not even a sharp pencil.
Richard directs them all to follow him down
the dirt road, but Maggie’s quick to say they should stick to the road they were already on.
YOU ALL KNOW HE’S A MORON. And you all punched your time card the second he got you kicked off
that bus. Just remind him you’re on paid overtime and he’ll be begging to leave you behind. At
which point you can do the CORRECT thing of hopping over that tree in the road and continuing
to your final destination along the bus route.
Instead, they follow him like rats behind the
pied piper…to their obvious doom. Even if they DON’T run into a bear or a crazed killer who likes
to chase a couple of laides through the woods, they’re gonna get SUPER lost.
Steve IMMEDIATELY shroo’s his way off the beaten path to take a leak,
forcing half the team to go in and find him. Steve tells them there’s a masked guy in
the woods, but they assume it’s the skittles and poor Billy is assigned to be his keeper.
Billy – not paid nearly enough, I tell ya.
And Steve’s too zonked out to notice
he’s giving a corpse a shower.
Back on the trail, Maggie ties Steve
to a leash, which is the most sensible thing anyone on this team has done yet,
and a few minutes later, they arrive to a condemned house they mistake as the lodge
where they’re supposed to meet their boss.
Steve reminds everyone there’s someone
in the woods before they shove open an old rusted fence and waltz right in.
If my boss brought me here, I’d assume we’re fighting to the death for the last
corner office. Or getting liquidated.
Richard refuses to believe this isn’t the right
location for their team building weekend even when Jill points out the invitation letter
specified luxury lodge accommodation. Nobody notices Steve hallucinating in the corner.
Harris and Gordon split up to find the generator. Gordon enters his suspense generator phase while
Harris uncovers weird case files in the basement.
By nightfall, the entire team has moved
off to their respective corners of the building when Richard is woken to
sounds rattling through the house.
All right, I just realized what’s
scarier than a maniac with a knife – a guy in middle management with a knife.
Turns out it’s all a nightmare, but…
I rest my case. Give me a normal killer any day.
In the kitchen, Bobby pours over the documents Harris found in the basement. Local
asylum records…with odd connections to their company Palisades Defense.
Dinner comes with a silent movie. Harris tells them that before the first world
war, strange reports by the locals about the asylum in the woods forced authorities to
investigate. But when the investigator arrived, he realized too late that the patients had
taken over the asylum and locked up all the doctors. They killed the investigator, forcing the
locals to turn to Palisade Defense to neutralize the threat. The asylum was bombed with nerve
gas until everyone was dead, save a single patient who swore revenge against any Palisade
employee that dared enter the land again.
Jill corrects him – his story IS partially
true, but only partially. Facilities like these were used after the fall of the Soviet Union
in the 90s to try and rehabilitate war criminals, most of whom were eventually put down
by Palisade weapons. She says they don’t want revenge, only to survive.
Storytime ends when Steve bites down on what turns out to be a human tooth with
gold fillings. Everyone turns on Gordon, who explains he found a pie and cooked it thinking
it was a welcome gift. From whom? Sweeney Todd?
In the middle of the night,
Jill uses the bathroom..
The others come running. Fortunately, only Richard is dumb enough not to
believe she saw something. Billy, Harris, and Steve venture outside to check and
discover platforms connecting the trees overhead…
looks like hunting stands, but why so
close to a house.. And why are they all connected.. Hmmm… Too early to say why, but
screw this place. Come morning, i’m going home.
But, my guys…you wanna maybe grab a knife or
something before going outside to check on a masked man? You’re in your pjs, unarmed, with a
dollar store flashlight. If you CAN see him it’s because he wants you to…and you’re about to die.
Plus, you just left the door to the lodge wide open for anyone to sneak in and hide until
they can slit your throat in your sleep.
Back inside, Jill says she’s leaving. Harris
says they’ll wait till morning then climb up the nearest hill for a signal to call for a
car. Richard warns them that if anyone leaves, they won’t have a job when they return to
London. Jill doesn’t care. The next morning when she hasn’t changed her mind, Richard takes
credit for Harris’ plan and sends Harris and Jill to scale the mountain to call an uber.
Meanwhile, the rest of them are going to do some team building by playing paintball.
Why don’t we play Monopoly while we’re at it?
Harris and Jill head off on their mission
– DOWNhill, might I point out – and stumble upon the ruins of their tour bus along the road,
and their bus driver torn to shreds by a nearby pond. They jump in the bus and race for camp.
Back in the woods, paintball plays out pretty much how you’d imagine…until Gordon steps
on a bear trap that skewers his left leg.
Would you look at that – the team
building they needed after all.
Maybe…and I’m just paintballing here…how about
you find something to wedge INTO the bear trap to stop it from springing back on his leg.
Better yet, WORK AS A TEAM to get him free. The bear trap has three sections – the jaws,
which are wrapped around his leg, the pan, which he stepped on, and the springs, which
sent the jaws into his leg in the first place. To free him, they need to put pressure on the
springs with their feet while Maggie balances him so he can remove pressure from the pan
and lift when the springs are secure.
Instead, they fail so spectacularly
THEY AMPUTATE HIS LEG.
They realize the ground is LITTERED with bear
traps just as the bus speeds in out of nowhere.
Maggie tells them they need to keep
Gordon’s severed leg cold and, well…
Harris speeds the bus down the path, too fast to notice the
spikes someone tosses across the road. The bus flips before coming to a metal grinding halt.
Jill’s the first to wake, with obvious head trauma. She’s disoriented, numb, and confused.
She clambers out of the broken back windshield and sees Harris has been ejected. She carries on into
the woods, oblivious to the man with the machete who steps forward and Marie Antoinette’s him.
Look, I get this whole bus crash thing might’ve been a bit disorienting.
However, I’d also think my base instinct wouldn’t be to wander off, separating myself from the
rest of my group. Not that they are going to be much help, but at least they could watch my
back so I didn’t get my head lopped off.
Jill wanders a little farther until
reality hits her like a Mike Tyson punch.
A little too late.
In the bus, the others stumble out to deal with their assorted problems.
They realize Harris is dead and Jill is missing. Billy tries to make a plan.
They help carry Gordon down the road, oblivious to Jill only a few feet off
the trail, tied and gagged to a tree.
The masked maniac douses her in gasoline…and when
his matches won’t catch, he uses a flamethrower on her. Not much that could be done here
besides not wandering off by yourself..
The others reach the lodge. Maggie wonders
if the stories about this place are true, about insane war criminals targeting Palisade
employees…but good little bootlicker Richard won’t hear of it. Arms companies have NEVER
done anything immoral in their whole lives.
Billy rallies the troops to board up the house.
Boarding up at least one floor of this building is a great temporary solution, considering
the man outside isn’t your run of the mill mountain murderer. If the files are right, he’s
a war criminal trained in the art of combat, which means we need to outsmart him with
limited resources and using the knowledge of his background to our advantage.
Pull down deep into your Seven Days to Die gameplay knowledge and build a quick horde
night setup. Board up all windows and doors save two access points. Find a spot where the
floor creaks, or you can lay pieces of garbage that make noise when moved down in front of one
of the access points. Make it look appealing, but also challenging to get through. Leave
the second access point seemingly un-booby trapped. What this should do is lure the killer
into a false sense of superiority. He can look at the unguarded access points as bugs in OUR
system, not the features they actually are.
Then, wait for him. Eventually, one or
both entry points will turn into death funnels. Arm yourselves with wood, metal bars,
anything heavy that can pack a brutal punch, and wait for him to attempt entry. When he
does – end his reign of tyranny for good.
Instead, they half-A it and Steve
doses poor Gordon with a pilly
Ugh god, it’s hard to watch. X may cause TEMPORARY
tension and pain relief, but it can also cause a whole slew of physical issues that will KILL a
dude who just got his leg chopped off. Initially it’ll constrict his blood vessels, but when it
wears off, his veins and arteries will dilate, sending a cascade of blood toward a wound that
is probably not tightly tourniqueted enough.
It can also cause low sodium, resulting in
muscle cramps. Can you imagine having your leg chopped off and then getting
a Charlie horse. No thank you.
Not to mention, dude you have a
wand dangling from your lips. Give him that instead. At least he won’t be
bouncing off the walls with his stump.
Hours later, the true killers kick
in. Boredom and tiny bladders. Billy tells everyone he’s gotta go, and breaks
the seal on their super secure bunker to do it.
A silent assailant maxed out on
stealth buffs creeps in behind them.
Guys…hey guys…you wanna…
Maggie suddenly says they need to leave Gordon behind to go for help.
He’s already one step ahead of you, Mags.
Super considerate of the killer
to eliminate the problem for you.
Gordon screams from the basement. The others
realize the door leading there has been unlocked. Without weapons or anything
to defend themselves, they head down.
CAN YOU PLEASE go back upstairs
and grab literally anything. Heck A BLANKET you could throw over his head to
disorient him is better than NOTHING.
Nearby, the asylum killer begins torturing
Gordon. As the team ventures in deeper, they stumble upon a row of cells. A door bangs.
Maggie and Billy approach the torture dungeon, Richard runs and Steve lingers in the
middle waiting to see what he should do.
I don’t blame any of them for their reaction.
What I DO blame them for is bringing jack all with
them. If even two of them had brought weapons, they could have outnumbered this guy
before he could gain the upper hand.
Billy opens the door. The killer turns, revealing
he’s carved the symbol for Palisade Defense into Gordon’s chest. Suddenly, he blasts at
them with a shotgun, sending them running.
This is why we don’t go into
murder dungeons unarmed.
Billy and Maggie hide, only to discover
Billy’s been shot in the chest. He protects her to the end. It shoulda been Richard, bro.
Richard waits for Steve to pass by without revealing himself, then bolts into the forest,
leaving everyone else behind. He doesn’t make it far, stepping on a landmine along a dirt road.
Hard to see that coming, it is a landmine after all.
That’s what they are designed for. Hate to say it guys, but there’s nothing that can or could
have been done for this one. Sucks for you, man.
The killer advances into the house and Steve hides
in a wardrobe in Richard’s room. Steve - hide better. Shut the dang door. He can see you.
WE can see you. Everyone can see you. This is like Margaret hiding under the truck in There’s
Something Wrong with the Kids all over again.
After the killer walks by, he notices
Richard’s cheese cutting knife.
Maggie advances up the stairs with the killer’s
machete. The Killer turns, coming for her. She prepares to strike…when the floor gives out. The
Killer aims his gun to kill her, when Richard’s cheese knife spears him in the back.
Maggie grabs the killer’s gun and…
This…is the correct decision…followed
by the classic rookie move…
Never assume the killer acted alone.
I just gotta ask – where were all you guys when your buddy was
getting his brain blown out? You have like 8 guys. Why was torture man alone in the house
by himself? You could have all barged in at once and had a field day in the torture dungeon.
Instead, you let Mags get her hands on a shotgun.
As one goes for his gun, Maggie fires
again and destroys him. Unfortunately, the shotty only held two rounds. Suddenly
out of ammo, they bluff to the edge of the house and run blindly into the forest.
With no ammo left, there’s no way they can fend off the war criminals.
Their only option is to run, and even then their odds are looking real bad.
The armed men chase them deep into the woods. Maggie and Steve hide until they
can run. Richard stops them cold.
It’s one of Palisades’ best selling
landmines, which means there’s no way out except with the grim reaper.
Richard helps them navigate the narrow minefield before drawing the armed
guards to him like moths to the flame.
It should be mentioned that literally every
path or road they’ve encountered so far has been HEAVILY boobytrapped, so they should be
avoiding obvious paths or clearings at all costs.
Maggie and Steve race ahead through
the woods, coming to a stop right outside the actual Palisades Lodge.
We’re back at the beginning of the movie. George was the fat strong American and
the girls in the pit were Steve’s friends.
Maggie and Steve raid the kitchen for supplies…
…as back at the minefield, Richard finally blows himself sky high when he can
take the most killers with him.
After he’s gone, George cracks open the big guns.
A military grade American t-shirt cannon.
George steps outside to fire on
the last remaining gunmen and…
whoops. Does a my bad cover it?
The entire gang takes off running…once again without any weapons to defend themselves.
Maggie runs into a hog snare, but Steve’s ambushed before he can reach her. He tears off the
guy’s ear, before finally jamming the machete into the dude’s devil’s alley. Unfortunately,
Steve’s immediately clobbered by the next guy.
Maggie’s cut down by her own would-be romantic
partner, then beats him with a rock and finally…
Triples taps him with the
biggest rock she can carry.
Employee of the Month right there.
Steve regains his footing long enough to pick up one of their gun’s and waste one guy
before the machete skewered mean-hole tosses the world’s smallest dagger at him.
Maggie spots the flamethrower guy…just as Steve settles down to do a little
spontaneous surgery on himself.
Steve, you idiot. You’re
letting all the juice out.
With no way to locate Steve, Maggie finds a
set of train tracks and sets off running.
Meanwhile, Steve wakes from a sudden nap to see
his friends’ lladder has actually worked…just not in the way they thought it would.
Maggie reaches a work camp overloaded with Palisade weapons before noticing
a phone symbol on a nearby building.
Maggie – spare five seconds to
grab a gun! You know they work! Show some brand loyalty for god’s sake!
The phone picks up on the first ring…and the operator even speaks English…just
long enough to put her on hold.
She can’t wait. She runs outside and
finds the flamethrower waiting for her. She runs into a nearby building as
he lets off a blast. She climbs higher, looking for an escape, but becomes trapped.
In a tight spot, the building looked promising, but without knowing the layout or
that there aren’t more men in there, it’s only a blind maze for you to get lost in.
When the flamethrower arrives to her floor, she leaps down to the ground floor, wrecking
her ankle. She crawls away…as he emerges from the building and is forced to
toss the empty flamethrower aside.
He bears down on her with an ax
as a hail of gunfire rings out.
The machine gun wielding dancer saves the
day with a surprisingly accurate mag dump and Maggie and Steve embrace, alive
and now heavily armed. Together, the four find a boat and row away into the sunset.
Of course, all of this could have been avoided by simply letting the driver go back down and
around the mountain, sticking to the main road once he abandoned us. If we had headed warnings
of a masked man outside more closely, we could have left earlier and possibly avoided some of
this. But once trapped in the house at nightfall, it was a miracle any of them made it out alive.
For those reasons, I think SEVERANCE was.. Kind of Beaten.
And remember…listen to your tour guide.
